A Care Cloth, Treatise · Chapter 10
CHAP. X. Containing a ſecond vſe.
Vſe. 2 THe firſt is, that hee enter diſcreetely and religiouſly vponupon marriage,For the vnmarried. obſeruing ſuch due care therein, that he may in his very entrance cut off the roote, and ſtop the fountaine of very many troubles. They ſay, the beginning of a buſineſſe being well performed, is as good as one halfe thereof; and the moſt important matter in buildings, is to lay a good foundation. Doubtleſſe it is ſo in this matter of marriage, whereinto he that makes a godly, and wiſe entrance, ſhall find his proceeding to bee much more eaſefull and comfortable, then any aftercare could make it, without this firſt care. Now in ſetting about marriage, wiſdome and pietie both, command theſe two principall things: firſt, that the younger people, ſonnes and daughters, doe take the counſell and conſent of their Parents and Gouernours. Secondly, that they labour to make a due choyce of their yoke-fellowes.
For the firſt, Gods bleſſing is largely and firmely promiſed vntounto thoſe children, that doe honour their Parents; but his curſe muſt needs follow them (by the law of contraries) that ſhall diſhonour them. If therefore a man, in the very Preface, as it were, to his Marriage, ſhall thruſt the bleſſing of God from him, in refuſing to honour, and ſhall pull the curſe of God vponupon him, in diſhonouring his Parents (the chiefe inſtruments of his beeing, vnderunder God, the conduit Pipes, by which God hath deriued all the benefits of Nature vntounto him, and to whom he ſtands moſt deepely, and vnrequiteably ingaged, by the receiuing before-hand, of many and great comforts and good turnes;) how is it poſſible, but that he muſt create a world of miſchiefe to himſelfe? He goes to marrie without, and againſt Gods liking, that goes to marrie without, and againſt the liking of his Parents, onelyonly ſo, that his Parents doe not abuſe their power ouer him againſt the will of God. For it is abundantly plaine by the Scriptures, that God hath committed his power, of giuing a daughter to a ſon, or taking a daughter for a ſonne, vntounto the Parents of that ſonne or daughter, ſaying to the Parents of Iſrael; Thou ſhalt giuegive, or not giuegive thy daughter; thou ſhalt take, or not take a daughter to thy ſonne. Wherefore a childs dutie in this caſe, is not to ſuffer his, or her affections to be wedded vntounto any perſon, before the Parent hauehave ſhewed his good liking; or if any affection to any particular perſon ſhall ariſe in them, then to doe as Samſon did, goe vntounto the Parent, and requeſt their conſent, and helpe. Yea, euen the ſonne of Hamar, an Heathen, had learnt this leſſon, and cauſed his father to be his ſpokeſ-man to Iacob for Dinah. Yea, that child that ſhall find a need of marriage, ought not to conceale his need from his Parents, no more then frō God, whoſe deputie the Parent is in that behalfe, but to craue of God firſt, and then of the Parent, to prouide a remedie for his diſeaſe. Religion and Diſcretion, Nature and Grace, doe all concurre, in requiring of children this dutie, and preſcribing this rule vntounto them in marrying. If croſſes come, whither muſt the afflicted perſon run for comfort, but to Parents and friends? Which, how can he doe, if he hauehave refuſed their direction in marrying? When ſorrowes pinch, what eaſe is there, but in crauing helpe of God? which how can one doe, without a ſting to his ſoule, if in entring vponupon that ſtate, he hauehave neglected the commandements of God? So he ſhuts vp Heauen and Earth againſt himſelfe, that wrongs his Father in Heauen, and father in Earth, by a raſh and prepoſterous ruſhing into Matrimonie, & leaues himſelf no harbor to enter into, againſt a ſtorme ariſe. Be wiſe therefore, and be godly, yee children; let iudgement rule you, and not paſſion; neither giuegive your affections, nor your ſelues, nor follow your paſſions in beſtowing your ſelues, but with the priuitie and good allowance of thoſe, from whom you had your ſelues. Not one marriage in an hundred hath thriuen well, that was not ordered according to this rule; an error (ſuch ſo groſſe an error) in the beginning of an action (and ſuch an important action) can hardly, or not at all, be corrected afterwards.
But, ſecondly, a fit perſon muſt bee choſen with whom to couple ones ſelfe. Though all the griefes of marriage come not from the vices and diſorders of the yoke-fellowes, yet the moſt grieuous, and moſt bitter of them doe. To hauehave a fit yoke-fellow, will preuent many matrimoniall troubles, and will make all eaſier. Now in a yoke-fellow, the maine matter to be deſired, is vertue and godlineſſe; and hee that in chuſing, vouchſafeth that the firſt place, ſhall ſurely bee bleſſed in his choyce: but whoſoeuer ſetteth other, and baſer things before that, doth deale prepoſterouſly and fooliſhly, and ſetting the Cart before the Horſe (as the Prouerbe hath it) can neuer driue comfortably forward in the way that he would goe. A vertuous, godly perſon, will allow no ſinne, will hearken to counſell, will receiue admonitions and reproofes. In a word, ſuch an one hath no incorrigible fault, all his diſeaſes bee curable. But a wicked and vngodly perſon hath a deafe eare, a wilfull heart, an incurable ſoule; nothing wil make him mend his faults. The curſe of God purſues the wicked man, how can any thing, but cumber, and attend ſuch a perſon into the family? Who would therefore admit ſuch a companion, though laden with precious Pearles, or painted with the faireſt painting in the World? Beautie is but painting, age and ſickneſſe will weare it away, why ſhould any man make that his guide in chuſing a wife? No ſouldier would chuſe a leaden ſword, becauſe the ſcabberd is Veluet, and the hilt guilded. A faire countenance will no more helpe to the happineſſe of a married couple, if grace and vertue be away, then a fine Haft will make a knife cut well, if it bee of euill metall. Wherefore follow not the eye, the moſt fickle and fond of al ſences, in a matter of ſo great conſequence, as the choyce of a wife or husband. And ſurely for wealth, what is it but luggage? If wiſdome and vertue bee abſent, it burdens, and doth not comfort? Better a man without money, then money without a man; could the Heathen ſay. Should Chriſtians be leſſe iudicious? Let not couetouſneſſe conduct thee into marriage: It is a blind vice, and will ſurely leade the man into the pit, that will winke and follow it. A vertuous woman is aboue Pearles. Salomon ſaid ſo, that knew the worth of all Pearles. A vertuous man muſt needs be as worthie as a vertuous woman. The holineſſe and good conditions of a companion, are ten times more auaileable for the comfort of thoſe, with whom he muſt conuerſe, then the colour of his skin, or ſtuffing of his purſe. He or ſhe ſhal liue worſe thē poorely, that liueth with a rich Nabal. Parents, deſtroy not your children, by matching them to miſerable riches. Young men and women, deſtroy not your ſelues, by ſeeking a good outſide, but let both parents and children iudge, as God iudgeth, and follow his counſell, that ſaith, Not the rich, not the faire, but, The righteous is more excellent then his neighbour. He takes the beſt courſe, to gaine content in marriage, that chuſeth not the fineſt body, the ſweeteſt face, the greateſt ſtate, the largeſt portion, but the holieſt heart, the richeſt ſoule, the beautifulleſt ſpirit, and the moſt vertuous man or woman. This is the foundation of welfare in marriage; lay this at firſt, thou canſt neuer elſe reare vp a comfortable building. Secondly, in other things (if with the former it may bee), an equall yoke-fellow would be taken, of due proportion in ſtate, birth, age, education, and the like, not much vnderunder, not much ouer, but fit and correſpondent. Thoſe matches doe ſeldome proue but vncomfortable, where this rule is not obſerued. The rich and noble will likely deſpiſe, or ſet light by the poorer and meaner: ſo will younger doe the aged; and there is nothing but miſerie in marriage, if the yoke-fellowes neglect one another. Dauid was hardly drawne to be a Kings ſonne in Law, being himſelfe a meane man in Iſrael. His wiſdome made him not haſtie to ouer-preferre himſelfe. Diſproportioned marriages are ſeldome made, but out of ſiniſter and corrupt intentions, and ſuch intentions doe neuer, almoſt, faile, to bring wretchedneſſe to ſuch, as are led by them. God himſelfe hath ſet vsus the beſt coppie of marriage that can be: he made Euah meete for Adam; ſhee anſwered him, and hee her in age, birth, and all things: hee ſhall ſpeed beſt, that followes neereſt, this firſt preſident of Matrimonie. Wee cannot hauehave a wiſer counſellour, then the Author of all wiſdome; and he is ſurely deceiued, that thinkes to doe better then God. Take therefore a yoke-fellow meet for thee; for the agreement of the married folk, is the beſt helpe againſt all troubles, and this is the ſureſt way to procure agreement. And ſo you hauehave heard the firſt inſtruction, concerning a diſcreet entrance to preuent trouble.
The ſecond follows, and that is as neceſſarie, euen to expect trouble, and prepare for it. When God foretels any thing, wee ſhould make account of it. Future things are knowne to him that diſpoſeth all things; wherefore it is folly to flatter ones ſelfe with hopes, contrarie to his predictions. Expectation of an enemie, is halfe an arming; but ſuddenneſſe addes terribleneſſe vntounto a croſſe, and makes it inſupportable. Say then to, and within thy ſelfe: I find that God doth leade to marriage, and I will follow him; but he forewarnes me alſo, of what I ſhall find in marriage, and I will beleeue him. I know I ſhall hauehave more trouble, then before I had; but by Gods helpe I will beare it with all quietneſſe. And, Lord, ſeeing this world is a world of trouble, and all eſtates are full of briers; now that thou haſt called me to Matrimonie, giuegive (I beſeech thee) a willing and able mind, to brooke well the aduerſities of Matrimonie. Moſt folks runne into marriage, as boyes into a crowd, to fee ſome ſport, neuer forethinking how troubleſome it is to ſtand in a throng; and when they be almoſt preſſed to death by the preſſe of people, then doe they crie out, and would faine get out, if they knew which way. Oh (ſaith one) if I had knowne before, that I ſhould hauehave met with ſuch a deale of ſorrow, I would neuer hauehave married! Why, thou improuident foole: How was it that thou kneweſt not that before? This Scripture was not kept from thee, was it? The Apoſtle ſpeaketh plainely enough; thou mighteſt hauehave read, or heard it, if thou wouldeſt thy ſelfe, Such ſhall hauehave trouble in the fleſh. Didſt thou neuer reade this Scripture? or neuer marke it? or neuer beleeue it? If thou readdeſt it not, it was thy profaneneſſe; if thou markedſt it not, it was thine heedleſneſſe; if thou didſt not beleeue it, it was thine infidelitie: euerie way it was thy folly, not to know before, what God had told thee before, that marriage would bee more full of afflictions, then ſingle life. Now you that are to marrie, ruſh not thus headlongly into Marriage, that you may not afterwards make booteleſſe complaints againſt it. Feed not your ſelues with windie hopes (this feeding will breed no ſtrength;) I hope mine husband will proue a very kind man; my wife a very dutifull wife; I hope I ſhall not breed and beare with ſo much paine and griefe, as ſuch, and ſuch; I hope I ſhall not hauehave ſuch weakely and ſickly children, and ſo forth. Fond body! Where bee the grounds of thine hopes? VponUpon what props are they built? To hope without ground, is to play the merrie foole. No, it is better, as the Prouerbe hath it, to feare the worſt, that the beſt may ſaue it ſelfe, and to arme vp thy ſelfe in this wiſe: Like enough I ſhall hauehave as many croſſes as ſuch, and ſuch: But what if I hauehave? I doe not runne raſhly vponupon them, God leades me, my Parents guide me, I follow ſure directors, God will alſo ſtrengthen mee; and by his mighty helpe, I will goe chearefully vnderunder theſe troubles: for why ſhould not I be ſubiect to the decrees & ſtatutes of the King of this world? If he will ſend trouble, ſhall I murmur? Shall I faint? No, I will not, but ſue to him for ſtrength, and ſtay vponupon him for helpe, and comfort my ſelfe in him, in all theſe cumbers. Thinke of trouble, looke for trouble, reſolue to bee quiet vnderunder troubles, and pray for ſtrength to bee ſo; and then marrie if thou ſee good; then ſhall thy troubles exerciſe and encreaſe thy patience and other graces, not corrupt and ouerthrow them, as elſe they will.