A Care Cloth, Treatise · Chapter 9
CHAP. IX. Containing the firſt vſe of the former point.
ANd this troubleſomenes of marriage, giues cauſe of giuing counſell to the vnmarried perſons, as alſo to the married. The former muſt bee aduiſed to vſe warineſſe afore marrying, and to prouide themſelues well for each of theſe troubles, when they doe marrie. The other muſt endeauour ſo farre as is poſſible, to preuent the troubles, and to be thankfull, if his lot hauehave been to meete but with few, or at leaſt, the eaſieſt of them. Now then, thoſe amongſt you that are yet ſingle, muſt be taught to lay this point well to heart, that they may keepe themſelues from an vnneceſſarie haſtineſſe to enter vponupon this ordinance; I meane, before they be called of God thereto; that is, before they hauehave carefully vſed all other meanes of ouer-ruling themſelues. It fals out many times, that raſh and vndiſcreete Youths (finding a little trouble, in being ſubiect to their Parents and Maſters) entertaine a ſtrong conceite, how happily they ſhould liue, if they were married. Hence, hauing ſo ſhallow and ſilly a braine, as not to bee able to conceiue of more, in diſcourſe of reaſon, then they can ſee and feele with their bodily ſences, by and by they runne together, come of it what will, and afterwards wiſh booteleſly, that they had entertained their former eſtate with more contentedneſſe: yea, ſome that hauehave liued long in virginitie, and ſee almoſt all their youngers married before them, and therefore alſo ſet aboue them in meetings, and more familiarly entertained then themſelues (not knowing how hard a peniworth this honour is to them, that hauehave paid for it) are moued with enuie, to become wiues or husbands, and (as if it were a diſparagement for them, to hauehave liued virgins) doe but euen long for an offer, to make an ill bargaine, and ſell away their owne reſt, for a thing of nothing. And there are found alſo in the world ſome perſons, that no ſooner feele a little mouing of naturall deſires to the wedded condition, but that they yeeld ſtraight to their own luxurious fancies, & will neuer be at paines to reſiſt ſuch motions, becauſe they deſire rather to ſatisfie them. Now al ſuch perſons ſhould be perſwaded to take into their thoughts, & to conſider moſt aduiſedly of theſe words of the Apoſtle; Such ſhall hauehave trouble in the fleſh. Marriage is a Roſe indeed, of ſweet ſmell, of goodly hiew; but it wants not its Briars, to fetch blood of their fingers, that are ouereager to crop it. It is a day not all our ſo faire and ſun-ſhine, but that a man may be wet to the skin, with the ſtormes that ariſe in it before the euening. Wherefore before a man reſolue vponupon an entrance into this eſtate, let him lay both ends together, as they vſe to ſpeake; let him caſt all things into the ballance of his iudgement, and then iudge indifferently, and out of the direction of reaſon take that courſe, which ſhall bee moſt for his comfort. Thou are now wearie of being vnderunder the command of a gouernour; If thou be a maid, take heed thou meete not with a worſe gouernour, and more haſtie, though bearing a fairer title; If thou be a man, beware thou meete not with one to gouerne, whō it ſhall be ten times more hard and troubleſome to rule, then to pleaſe almoſt any ruler. It is tedious to thee, that thoſe are now wiues, which were girles when thou waſt marriageable; and husbands which were boyes, when thou waſt growne to mans eſtate; thou thinkeſt it much, that they carrie away the account from thee, and are in ſhew more ſet by. Well, take heed, leſt in catching after ſuch honour, thou ſtumble not vponupon ſo many troubles, as ſhall make thee wiſh again, to ſit at the lower end of the boord, and to giuegive place to thy youngers in ſuch complements, rather then to bee equall with them in ſuch cumbers. Thou findeſt it a warre within thy ſelfe to keep downe luſt; take heed it be not a greater warre, when marriage hath aſſwaged luſt, to keepe downe impatient riſings at the troubles of marriage, or to hold vp thine heart againſt ſinking, and diſcouragement vnderunder thoſe troubles. This eſtate (as ſure as Paul was a wiſe man, and a true ſpeaker) hath as much ſowre as ſweete; as many bitter morſels, as pleaſant; as much tribulation, as contentment: trie it whoſo well, have ſhall neuer find the Apoſtle falſe. Therefore be not a foole, to take vp thy ſelfe with an ouer-greedie thinking of the benefits thou lookeſt for, not troubling thy ſelfe to confider the miſeries alſo, that will affront thee: but looke well to both, and take notice of both, and accept of that, which iudgement ſhall moſt incline thee to, not which paſſion. I confeſſe, brethren, it is a certaine truth, that our Apoſtle hath before deliuered in this Chapter; Better marrie, then burne: That is to ſay, bee perpetually moleſted with an inconquerable deſire of marriage. And therefore I pray you conceiue of theſe my words, as nothing contrarie to thoſe I ſpake in the former point; for this exhortation and that, belong to different kinds of men. If thou beeſt one that feeleſt in thy ſelfe a neceſſitie of marriage, if thou beeſt one, whoſe bodily conſtitution is ſuch, that the beſt meanes wil not otherwiſe keepe thy mind in a well-contented chaſtitie, then lay aſide all the feare of troubles; and pray to God to prouide thee of a fit yokefollow, fellow, and accordingly endeauour (after his counſell, and with his bleſſing) to enter into this eſtate. But if thou find power ouer thy ſelfe, and canſt be maſter of thine owne will, and haſt the ruling hand ouer thine owne affections, ſo as though ſome motions doe ariſe within thee, yet they be neither many, nor violent, nor any, but ſuch, as quickly with a little abſtinence, and feruent prayer, thou canſt quench and keepe downe frō breaking forth into a flame of ſinfull wiſhes or attempts; now doe thou conſider of Pauls ſpeeches, embrace the more eaſie kind of liuing. Gallop not into a brake of thornes, from which thou canſt find no way out; and bee not ouer-venturous to ruſh vponupon trouble. Let not a certaine fooliſh wearineſſe to bee vnderunder gouernment; let not a fond conceit, that it is a reproach to thee, to continue ſo ancient a Maid, or Batchelor; let not a veyne of enuie to ſee others wedded, and thy ſelfe (their elder) liuing ſingle; let not the deſire of accompliſhing thine owne deſires, or of following the example of others; let not a lothneſſe to labour for the gift of continencie; let none of all theſe things, nor any like to them, perſwade thee to flie to marriage; that is to ſay, to leaue reſt and eaſe, and runne vponupon trouble. Beware, my brethren, of accounting that a carnall reaſon, which you ſee to be Gods reaſon. Saint Paul argues thus; Better bee ſingle (if you can without ſinne) becauſe marriage is a ſtate of more affliction.) It is (you ſee) a godly, holy, ſpirituall reaſon, beſeeming the pen of him that was inſpired from aboue, we may well take boldneſſe to inforce it vponupon your thoughts, and to tell you, that you erre exceedingly, if you count it either a weake, or a fleſhly reaſon: for wee all confeſſe, that the God of Heauen vſeth neither falſe nor weake reaſons. You may, perhaps, tell me, that Paul meant it of thoſe times of perſecutions, and not of all times indifferently. But I can certainly tel you, that you ſhall find, he meant it of all times indifferently, though it be principally true of ſuch times. The preſent neceſſitie is not to be reſtrained to the dayes of open perſecution, but enlarged to the diſtreſſes of this preſent life: for elſe the argument had been vnfitly framed for the ſtate of the Corinthians, ſeeing at this time they were not aſſaulted with any ſuch tēpeſtuous weather. Wherefore I will be bold to vndertake, to perſwade all you vnmarried people, Widdowes, Maids, Batchelors, Widdowers, if you can, without the farre greater miſchiefe of burning; that is to ſay, of being carried away with vnſubduable wiſhes of this kind, to keepe you as you be, and not to procure miſerie to your ſelues by a needleſſe change of your eſtates. You may, perhaps, imagine, that the comforts of marriage will abundantly requite the troubles. So all things ſeeme faire afarre off, which are not ſo neerer hand: but if you will be well aduiſed before you conclude, you ſhall find, that indeed the comforts are not worth the troubles. For I pray you, what be the comforts you talke of? A wife, children: theſe two be all, and yet I hauehave told you before, that often theſe two bee the greateſt cumbers of marriage; ſo that theſe are but vncertaine comforts, and may proue otherwiſe. But ſay that they prooue in the beſt ſort; yet I aſſure you, that they are farre too light, to ouer-weigh all the leaden weights of trouble that lye in the other ſcale. If a wife be vntounto thee a remedie againſt ſinne, and a preſeruatiue againſt fornication; I yeeld indeed, that the good that thou haſt by her, doth farre more then recompence all the miſeries that marriage bringeth with it: and if thou hauehave lawfull children in Wedlock, to ſaue thee from hauing miſ-begotten children in whoredome; now thy children doe ſufficiently requite all thy paines, care, trouble about them, and thine eſtate for them. But if thou haſt the abilitie of containing, and couldeſt without danger of ſinne forbeare Matrimonie, I am in mind, that all the comfort which the beſt husband, or the beſt wife, and the beſt children can afford thee, by their beſt louelove, dutie, and good affection, can no more counteruaile the troubles of marriage, then the childs ſmiling and laughing in the morning can counteruaile the Nurces breach of ſleepe all night. If it were otherwiſe, Pauls argument were not good: He diſſwades marriage to them that can containe, becauſe it is more troublous. If it brought comforts beyond the ſingle eſtate, which did exceed the cumbers it bringeth beyond that eſtate, our Apoſtle had made a feeble and ineffectuall reaſon: for who cannot ſay, that what brings more profit, then loſſe, muſt be done, though it bring ſome loſſe? And what brings more comfort, then trouble, muſt rather be done, though it bring ſome trouble. Indeed, you muſt conceiue, that the Apoſtle here doth ſpeake of things, as moſt times, and vſually they fall out; not intending to point at eueryevery particular paire of wedded people, that euer ſhall be; but, for the moſt part, for the far greater number of mē. Marriage is a fea, that yeeldeth more toſſing, then the land would doe by farre. You may thinke then; How commeth it to paſſe, that ſo many doe marrie continually? I anſwere, Firſt, becauſe the moſt are led by example, or paſſion, and doe that in haſte, which they repent by leiſure. And againe: The Lord (that intends to ſtore the World, and made man, not to take eaſe, but to doe ſeruice, though it bee with trouble) doth not afford to moſt men, the gift of continencie. But all thoſe men or women, to whom this ſingular and excellent gift is afforded, let them take their reſt, when God giues them leaue, and not beare a yoke when they may go free.
Some will obiect, that we ſeeme to ſet Gods honour below troubles; for Marriage encreaſeth mankind, the encreaſe whereof, is more to Gods glorie.
I anſwere theſe perſons, That Paul was as carefull of Gods glorie, as they can bee, and yet he diſſwadeth Marriage, and forbare it. And I anſwere againe; That what children ſhall bee borne in the World, or what encreaſe of men ſhall ſtore the World, is one of the ſecret things, that I am not to care for, but may enioy the reſt that God allots me, though thereby I forbeare to encreaſe his number: onelyonly if he call mee to marrie, then am I with willingneſſe to ſeeke his honour in that kind of life. Wherefore againe and againe, let Virgins remember Paul, and keep them where they be; where they hauehave no curſt or vnkind husbands, or wiues; no ſicke or ſtubburne children; no ſlothfull or froward ſeruants; no needs and cares of eſtate to afflict them. And this is the counſell we giuegive to them that can receiue it. But if any for all this, find his need and deſire ſuch, that he muſt, and will marrie: good leaue let him hauehave from vsus, and good ſpeede from God alone; ſo that he take the following inſtructions with him, which are two.