The Amendment of Life, Book 3 · Chapter 3
Of the perticular dutie of the husband to his wife. Chap. 3.
NOw let vsus proceede to the perticular dutie of the husband to his wife. Firſt he is to vnderſtand, that albeit he be ordained to be her head, yet muſt hee not tyrannize and torment her at his pleaſure: for ſuch husbands are monſters in nature. The creation of man doth ſufficiently ſhew that al that is in the head, as reaſon, wiſedome, iudgement, ſight, hearing, and other the giftes and graces of God, do tend to the conduct and happie guiding of the boby: not to torment and caſt it downe. This dutie of a husband doth S. Paul note in the example of Ieſus Chriſt, ſaying.Ephe. 5.25. As Ieſus Christ is the head of the Church: Euen ſo is the husbande the head of the wife. And how? He is, ſaith he, the Sauiour of her body. And thereof he taketh this exhortation. Husbands louelove your wiues: euen as Ieſus Chriſt loued his Church, and gaue himſelfe for it: That hee might ſanctifie and cleanſe it by the waſhing of water through the word. That he might make it a glorious Church, not hauing ſpot, or wrinkle, or any ſuch thing but that it ſhould bee holy and without blame: So ought men to louelove their wiues as their owne bodies. He that loueth his wife, loueth himſelfe: for no man euer yet hated his owne fleſh, but nouriſheth and cheriſheth it, euen as the Lord doth the Church. It is therefore the dutie of the husband ſo to louelove his wife, that after the example of Ieſus Chriſt, hee labour not ſo hartely for any thing as to ſet his wife free from trouble and calamitie, and to make her partaker in al his goodes and honor. To bee ſhort, if the authoritie of the head be vnited with a louelove of her that is his moytie, he will neuer abuſe his dominion. But louelove wil make his authoritie and power to ſerue to the b…nefit, comfort and ſaluation of his wife.
2 Of this fountaine of louelove, ſpringeth the dutie of the husband to beare with the infirmities of his wife, and not by and by to enter into bitternes and wrath,Coloſ. 3.16. as S. Paule alſo noteth, ſaying, Huſbands louelove your wiues, and bee not bitter vntounto them. To the ſame ende alſo doth the admonition of S. Peter vntounto husbands tend, where he ſaith:1. Pet 3.7. Husbands dwell with your wiues as men of knowledge, giuing honor vntounto the woman as to the weaker veſſell, euen as they which are heires together of the grace of life, that your praiers bee not interrupted. This is a notable exhortation of S. Peter: For by exhorting husbands to behaue themſelues diſcreetly, and with knowledge and wiſedome toward their wiues, hee requireth of them two thinges: Firſt, that they neuer ſay nor doe any thing that may iuſtly offend their wiues: as ſome there be, who being prodigal, great ſpenders, or Idle and ſlacke in their buſineſſe, doe cauſe their wiues & children to languiſh in pouertie: Others, who haunting tauernes, doo conſume that which ſhould maintaine their familie: Others, who coming home drunke, doe beate and vexe their wiues, and as it were driue them into diſpaire. Others, who by high and bitter ſpeeches, by threatning and other actions, vnworthy a husband, doe prouoke their wiues, and ſo ſtirre vp ſuch ſtrife and debate, as doe conuert the felicitie of marriage into an hell. Sith therefore that the husband is head, he ought in ſuch wiſedome, reaſon and diſcreation to beare himſelfe, that he giuegive his wife no iuſt occaſion of offence or prouocation: yea he muſt remember that if the head be drunk, the whole body is in danger of weake gouernment, euen of lying in the myre. Secondly, that albeit the wife ſhould miniſter iuſt cauſe of griefe & diſpleaſure, yet that the husband ſhould not thereof take occaſion againſt his wiues infirmities, or enter into bitternes, taunts or trouble: but diſcreetly and patiently beare with her, that ſo they might quietly and louingly liue together.
3 The hurt or weakeneſſe of any one member of the body prouoketh not the head to wrath or bitternes: but rather to compaſsion and an inclination to help it. And indeed whereas God, hauing created woman the weaker veſſell, as S. Peter noteth, did ſo ioyne her to man, it was not to the end that he ſtriuing with ſo frail a veſſel ſhuld bruſe & breake it: But that by gentle & diſcreete entreatie he ſhould quietly enioy the helpe that God hath giuen him. Let him therefore after the counſell of S. Peter ſo reſpect her, as one who albeit ſhe be weake, is neuertheles a profitable veſſel for him, as God himſelfe in the creation of the woman hath pronounced,1. Pet. 3.7. Gen. 2.18. ſaying. I will make him a helper. Moreouer let him louelove and honor her, as one whom notwithanding the frailty of her ſex, God hath ſo honored & Ieſus Chriſt ſo loued, that being together with man redeemed with his bloud, ſhe is together with her husband coheyre of life euerlaſting. A Chriſtal glaſſe is a precious & profitable veſſel, yet brittle: euen ſo is the maried woman. For albeit ſhe be brittle, yet is ſhe profitable to her husband, & precious in the ſight of God, as a child of God & member of Chriſt. As therefore a man doth more carefully take heede of breaking ſuch a glaſſe, thē ſome earthen or tinne veſſel, the one being more baſe & the other more ſtrong: ſo ſhould the husband hauehave ſuch regard of the frailty of his wife, that he may beare with her, & entreate her with gentlenes & diſcretion, that he may vſe her as a precious & profitable veſſel, to his comfort & ioy. And in as much as praier is an excellent ſeruice that God requireth of vsus, & the redy meanes to purchace his bleſſings, let the husband diſcreetly beare with his wife,1. Pet. 3.7. leaſt otherwiſe through their ſtrife and contention their praiers, as S. Peter ſaith, might be letted and interrupted.
4 Yet muſt we not ſay, but the husband both may, and ought to tel his wife of her infirmities, that ſhe may amend: But here we are to enter into cōſideration of ſundry points. Firſt he is eſpecially to proue her offences againſt God: As when Rachell ſaid vntounto Iacob, GiueGive me children, or els I die: He reproued her of importunitie,Gen. 30.1. ſaying, Am I in Gods ſtead, who hath withholden from thee the fruit of thy womb? Alſo when Iobs wife ſaid to her husband:Iob. 2.…. Doeſt thou abide in thy integritie? Curſe God and die, hee wiſely reproued ſuch a wicked ſpeech, ſaying: Thou ſpeakeſt as an vnwiſe womā. What? ſhall we receiue good at the hand of God, & not receiue euil? Secondly, that it be with gentlenes & teſtimonie of good wil, as Helcana delt with his wife Anna, whē ſhe mourned becauſe ſhe had no children.1. Sam. 1. And indeed it is meet that the husband ſhould reproue his wife louingly, rather by perſwaſion then by force. For as in a great ſtormie winde a man lappeth his cloke about him & holdeth it faſt for feare of looſing: but when the winde is downe and the wether calme, he letteth it hang eaſily▪ ſo when husbands will as it were perforce wreſt awaie their wiues infirnities, manye of them will obſtinately reſiſt, yet cōtrariwiſe by ſweete words & louing exhortations they might be wonne voluntarily to forſake them. Thirdly, the husband muſt ſeeke diligently to remoue the ſtone wherat his wife ſtumbleth & taketh occaſion of grief. So when Sarah was moued againſt Abraham, becauſe of Agar, & obiected vntounto him, albeit wrōgfully,Gen. 16. that he was the cauſe that ſhe contemned her, bearing with his wife, he remoued the cauſe of the contention, in ſuffering her to turne Agar out of doores. He muſt alſo take heed that himſelf be not taynted with the ſame vice which hee reproueth in his wife, leaſt ſhee ſtoppe his mouth with the reproch of the ſame fault: But rather by giuing her example by the contrarie vertue, let her be induced to imitate him. In reprouing the wife, the husband muſt alwaies vſe ſuch diſcretion, that ſhe bee not brought into contempt: and therefore it ſhould neuer bee doone in the preſence of more then themſelues. For as it is meere follie for a husband to praiſe and commend his wife in companie: ſo is it as daungerous to checke and reproue her before witneſſe. For indeede thereof it commeth that women, being not able to beare that diſgrace, will replie, and ſo prouoke ſtrife and diſſention in open preſence, which will redound to great reproch and offence. And therefore doth Cleobulus of Lyndie, one of the wiſemen of Greece, deliuer theſe two precepts to the married man: Firſt, that he flatter not his wife: Secondly, that hee reproue her not before ſtraungers. And Marcus Aurelius vſeth three, ſaying: A wiſe husband, and one that ſeeketh to liue in quiet with his wife, muſt obſerue theſe three rules: Often to admoniſh: Seeldome to reproue, and neuer to ſmite her: Let the husband alſo remember the ſayinges of a heathen, who ſpeaking of the infirmities of the woman, very aptly ſaith, That they muſt bee either taken away, or borne withall. Hee that can take them quite away, maketh the woman farre more commodious and fit for his purpoſe: and hee that can beare with them, maketh himſelfe better and more vertuous.
5 The husband is alſo to vnderſtand, that as God created the woman, not of the head, and ſo equall in authoritie with her husband, ſo alſo he created her not of Adams foote, that ſhee ſhould bee troden downe and deſpiſed, but hee tooke her out of the ribbe, that ſhee might walke ioyntly with him vnderunder the conduct and gouernment of her head. And in that reſpect the husband is not to commaund his wife in manner as the maſter his ſeruaunt, but as the ſoule doth the body, as being conioyned in like affection and good will. For as the ſoule in gouerning the bodie, tendeth to the benefite and commoditie of the ſame, ſo ought the dominion & commaundement of the husband ouer his wife, to tend to reioyce and content her.
6 To conclude. As God hath teſtified his ſingular goodnes vntounto man in creating him an helper to aſsiſt him: ſo let him conſider in how many ſortes ſhee is to him a helper to paſſe ouer this lyfe in bleſſedneſſe. And let this dayly ſeeking of ſuch a benefite, receyued at the hand of God, induce him to render thankes, and to diſpoſe himſelfe to vſe it well to his owne comfort and ſaluation, and not to abuſe it to the deſtruction both of himſelf and his wife. But if hee chaunceth (as many do) vponupon troubles & afflictions in marriage, let him remember that the ſame doo proceed, not properly from marriage, but from the corruptions of the parties marryed, and for his parte let him ſtudie to amend his infirmities and faults, by amendement of lyfe, and withall, praie to God to grant the like grace vntounto his wiſe: to the ende, that the more they recouer the image of God, the more feeling they maye hauehave of the felicitie of marryage, which Adam and Eue had inioyed, had they continued as they were created, in the image of God.