Death, Transcript 1
A Relation of her Experience, both of ſome Conviction and Comfort received in the Priſon: Communicated to a certain Gentlewoman of the Town, with whom ſhe was very free, before and afterwards.
Taken word for word from her own Mouth.
THE firſt time Mr. Rogers came to ſee me; after much other Diſcourſe, he told me of the odiouſneſs of Sin; and that if ever I came to be ſenſible of it, I ſhould loath it, and not becauſe of my own puniſhment procured thereby, but becauſe of the Diſhonour done to God. Then after he was gone, I began to think that I never loathed Sin ſo as yet, and was in a dreadful Caſe indeed; to think what a wretched Condition I had brought my ſelf into, and had diſhonoured God: inſomuch that I could not Reſt, I was ſo dreadfully hurried; and Satan made me believe that it was impoſſible ſuch a Sinner, ſhould be Saved. And I could not Read, nor Sleep, nor have any Reſt night nor day. After a while God made me to think that it was Satans Temptation to keep me from Repentance: But if I could Repent and Believe in the Lord Jeſus Chriſt, I might find mercy, although I was ſuch a Sinner. And although I am ſuch a vile Sinner, I hope God has made me ſenſible of my ſins, he has made me to loath my ſelf, and truly to Repent for Sin. God has made me to ſee that there is nothing that I can do can ſave me, but that there is a ſufficiency in the Lord Jeſus Chriſt. And I do throw my ſelf at his Feet for mercy, and have hope from his promiſes. Let the wicked forſake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts, and let him Return to the Lord, for he will have mercy on him: and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon. And I do ſo far as I know my ſelf, Repent of my ſo great ſins againſt ſo good a God; for that which has been the delight of my Soul, I do now abominably hate… ▪ And again 'tis ſaid, He that confeſſeth and forſaketh his ſin, ſhall find mercy. I can truly ſay, I have confeſſed my Sins before God and man, and do deſire truly to Repent for them. Iſa. 1.18. Come now let us reaſon together ſaith the Lord, though your ſins be as ſcarlet, they ſhall be white as ſnow, though they be red like crimſon, they ſhall be as wool. I hope I have hated the evil of my ways; and do hope to have my Soul waſhed and cleanſed in the Blood of Jeſus Chriſt.
During her Impriſonment (which was more than eight months) ſhe was frequently viſited by Miniſters, and other Chriſtians of the Town and Neighbourhood, to whom ſhe gave little Encouragement for a conſiderable time, being very much reſerved, partly thro' natural temper, partly by power of Temptation as was judged; that ſhe could not open her mind or condition at all; nor make any other anſwer to Queſtions propounded, than yea or no: till after a while ſhe obtained more freedom of ſpirit, and liberty of ſpeech. Then would ſhe ſpeak of her ſins with aggravation, and expreſs ſorrow for them with great affection: related the diſtreſſing, and almoſt deſpairing thoughts of her mind in the time that ſhe kept ſilence; as that God who had left her to fall ſo dreadfully into ſin, would now leave her to an hard and impenitent heart, that ſhe ſhould be damned; found a great averſeneſs at firſt, againſt going to the Publick Aſſembly on Sabbath and Lecture-Dayes, (for which ſhe had liberty twice every week) leſt her hea…t ſhould be more hardned, and her Condemnation more heightned thereby. But it was not long before ſhe found a better fruit and effect of her attendance thereupon: She felt the power of the Word preached, inlightning, convincing, humbling and ſoftning of her heart. Alſo that the words ſpoken to her in private made deep and laſting impreſſions on her Soul: that ſhe began to delight in hearing the Word publick or private; and ſet her ſelf to ſearch the Scriptures diligently, out of which ſhe collected many Texts, that encouraged her to hope for mercy and pardon, as particularly theſe, Prov. 28.13. Iſa. 55.1.7. Mat. 11.28. and Iſa. 1.18. on theſe was her Meditation day & night; and though ſhe profeſſed not to reſt on theſe promiſes, yet was by them encouraged and drawn to come unto God through Jeſus Chriſt, and to hope in him according to his Word. And having once laid hold on that Hope ſet before her in the Goſpel; ſhe did not, would not, ever after let it go; and tho' ſhe could not ſo well expreſs the reaſons and grounds of her hope, as was deſired, yet would not by any means be beaten off from it: and tho' ſometim…s ſhe felt a …king fear come upon her, yet that did n…t …ong abide. But ſtill ſaid ſhe, my ſlopes prevail againſt my fears; at length all fear was in a manner caſt out, and ſhe was even filled with hope, comfort, and joy in believing: Spake very ſenſibly of the Nature of Faith, which ſaid ſhe, I never underſtood before, bu… … I …eel the power of it; 'tis quite … than moſt people take it … my ſ…lf did conceive of … time before have … … eſt thou to be Saved by Chriſt? whereas now I know, that I neither did believe, nor knew I what it was to believe. O Believing is a great and difficult work, 'tis the mighty work of God himſelf, that any do believe, This was after ſhe had heard a publick Diſcourſe on the Apoſtles words to the Jaylor, Acts 16.31. Having before heard thoſe words of our Saviour, Mat. 18.3. ſpoken to; and being afterwards asked what ſhe thought or experienced about Converſion, ſaid, I am ſure there is a great Change, I think a thorow Change wrought in my whole nature: I now ſee all things otherwiſe then I did before; Sin is become very odious, and Chriſt very precious to me; I ſ…e the folly and filthineſs of the ways of ſin, and in ſome meaſure am made to diſcern the Excellency of Gods ways, and do find mor… delight and pleaſure therein, then ever I did in my former courſes. Oh! I can truly ſay, I loath my ſelf for my ſins, I abhor my ſelf; and if I were to live a thouſand years in this world, it ſhould be in the hatred of all Evil. Again ſhe ſaid, I would not for all the world be among my ſinful Companions, and in the ſtate I then was: I find a thouſand times more comfort and delight in this Priſon alone, than ever I did with them. When News was carried to her, that her Life was likely to be prolonged near two months by the Courts Adjournment, it rais'd no ſudden joy in her, as was expected: and though ſhe could not but wonder at it her ſelf, yet gave this reaſon for it: I find (ſaid ſhe) a willingneſs in me to accept the puniſhment of my ſins, and a readineſs to glorify the Juſtice of God by ſuffering that Death I have deſerved, in hope of receiving his mercy to Eternal Life; but I ſubmit to his pleaſure. In the time of this Reprieval, ſhe had many opportunities of going to the private Meetings of Chriſtians in the Town, who ſpent whole days in Prayer with Faſting on her account; and though ſhe joyned not in any Conference with them, yet profeſt her delight in hearing them, that ſhe found much ſweetneſs in their ſociety, and deſired to be gathered with ſuch at Death.
When the time of her Trial came, tho' ſhe would have acknowledg…d plain matter of Fact, yet could not plead Guilty according to the Form of her Indictment; but being brought in Guilty according to Law and Evidence, of Wilful Murder committed by her, & thereupon being Condemned to Dy, was not at all ſurprized; but as ſhe before expected, ſo afterwards approved the Verdict and Sentence, that they were juſt and right. After Condemnation ſhe was much more free and enlarged in diſcourſe than before: and being often asked, how her Faith and Hope in God and Chriſt held out; ſhe would anſwer, without Doubting and Wavering; being askt whether ſhe was never aſſaulted with Temptations to Unbelief or Fear ſince her beginning to hope: Anſwers, yes at the firſt, but not lately; neither have I been troubled with terrifying Dreams or Fancies, as formerly I was: nor can I poſſeſs my ſelf with fearfulneſs when I endeavour it by thinking on the moſt awful circumſtances of my Condition and manner of Death which I am to ſuffer; but in the midſt of thoſe thoughts, Gods comforts delight my Soul, and I thi…k, that at ſuch times I …eel the g…eateſt incomes of joy and ſwee…neſs.