A Scripture-Map of the Wilderness of Sin, Treatise · Part 2 · Chapter 19
CHAP. XIX. Containes the ſecond ſort of bewildring darkneſſe, viz In converſion, whereof three kinds. 1. Such as relate to our ſelves. Foure particulars removed.
THe ſecond ſort of bewildring Darkneſſes,2d. Sort of darkneſs. In Converſion. are ſuch as attend the ſoule in, or unto Converſion. And theſe are a wilderneſſe of Gods own providing; not a wilderneſſe of ſinne, but a wilderneſſe wherein to afflict the ſoule for ſinne; as it is ſaid of that Wilderneſs wherein the Lord led Iſrael forty years, that it was to humble and to prove them, Deut. 8.2. And to do them good in their latter end, ver. 16. So when God intends to convert a ſoule, he brings it uſually, if not alwaies, firſt into a Wilderneſſe, but the deſigne of God is to humble it, and to prove it, and at length to doe it good. The firſt view that ſoules have of God, is as if his waies were a Wilderneſſe, a Land of darkneſſe, and it is the pleaſure of God it ſhould be ſo, Hoſ. 2.14. I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderneſſe, (that's a dark diſpenſation indeed) Oh! but then, ſaith God, I will ſpeak, comfortably to her. I will firſt bewilder her to humble her, and then at her latter end, I will do her good. Verily ſirs, if you will walke (as we all naturally doe) in the darke wilderneſſe of Soul-tranſgreſſion (though you be the deare Elect of God, yet) ſhall you walke in the darkſome wilderneſſe in Soul-affliction, and be as thoſe, Iſai. 50.10. Walking in darkneſſe, and ſeeing no light at all. As God tells Iſrael, Ezek. 20.34. &c. ſo will he deal with the ſoule that he brings home to himſelfe; I will bring you out of the people, and ver. 35. I will bring you into the wilderneſs of the people, and there will I plead with you face to face, and verſe 37. I will cauſe you to paſſe under the Rod, and bring you into the bond of the Covenant, and verſe 38. I will purge out the Rebels from among you. Theſe are the pure deſignes and aims of God, in bringing ſoules into ſuch a Darkneſſe, into ſuch a Wilderneſſe, namely, to gather them out of other Countries (i. e. from the world, and their vaine Converſation) to cauſe them to paſſe under the Rod, (that is, to humble them, and to bring them, as Iſrael in the Wilderneſſe, into a new bond of Covenant) and to purge out the Rebells, &c. that is, by making ſinne (the hearts rebellion) a bitterneſs to their ſoules, to give Corruption a Deaths-wound in their ſoules.) As God of old by bringing Iſrael into the Wilderneſſe, thereby firſt brought them out of Aegypt, and then humbled them to purpoſe there, and …ade them enter into Covenant, to be his people, and there he waſted the rebellious ones that were amongſt them: ſo uſefully (however irkſome) it was for Iſrael to be brought into that Wilderneſs; and verily ſo needfull is it, if not much more in all theſe reſpects, that God ſhould firſt lead a ſoul into this darkſome Wilderneſs, before he lead them into Canaan, or ſpeak comfortably unto them. Neither may a ſinner take this ill at the hands of God; for if he find a Convert perverting his way, he will make him know, that he wae againe in the Wilderneſs, by bringing him back by an Hedge of thornes, and by ſetting darkneſs in his paths, and fencing up his waie that he cannot paſs; therefore wonder not at the Thornes, Hoſ. 2.6, 7. or the Wilderneſs, verſe 14. OnelyOnly as you know how buſie Satan was to lead them (whileſt they were in that Wilderneſſe) into temptation; (ſo that it is called, The day of temptation in the wilderneſs, Heb. 3.8.) So verily will he be ſure exceedingly to endeavour to make this time of thy being led into the Wilderneſs of Gods owne providing, an houre of temptation unto thee, that ſo he may in ſinne bewilder thee; whilſt God deſignes by ſuch bewildring of thee, to lead thee out of the wilderneſs of ſinne.
I ſhall rank the bewildring-darkneſs of ſuch a day,Of theſe three kinds. under this Threefold Head: ſuch as reſpect our ſelves, ſuch as reſpect God, ſuch as reſpect the way of Reconcliation betwixt us and God. All which God (at leaſt) diſpoſeth for our good, though in them Satan purpoſeth our ruine.
Firſt, In the time of Converſion,1. Kind, ſuch as relate unto our ſelves. we are exceedingly ſubject to be bewildred with much darkneſs relating unto our ſelves, as to have exceeding darke thoughts of our ſelves,Of this kind are to paſſe darke ſentences upon our ſelves, to take up dark reſolves concerning and againſt our ſelves, and make darke reſolutions with our ſelves.
Firſt,1. Darke thoughts concerning, and of our ſelves. Soules in ſuch a time have dark thoughts of themſelves, and in them they are bewildred: before they were be wildred in ſinne, now they are bewildred in the ſence of ſinne, ſo that they cannot find any way out, no way but one, and that is Death, there they muſt die for it, they muſt fall in this Wilderneſſe. Memorable is that paſſage,The ſence of ſinne. Rom. 7.9. Sin revived, and I dyed: that is the ſence of ſinne; then it followes, verſe 11. For ſin taking occaſion by the Commandement deceived me, and by it ſlew me. When the terrours of the Law, joyne with the ſerious ſenſe of ſinne, and theſe ſurround the ſoul, this is the entangling killing wilderneſſe, the dark valley of the ſhadow of death. It deceived me; how is that? truly thus much I can ſay to it, from the experience that I have had of poore ſoules in ſuch a condition:Darkning us. that their ſenſe of their ſinne hath beene more then true, even greater in ſome reſpect then their ſinne. Conſult with Paul, who tells you here, that he was deceived, but doth not tell you wherein, 1 Tim. 1.15. Chriſt came to ſave ſinners (ſaith he) of whom I am chiefe. Why? how could that bee? Paul was before Converſion, a ſober, blameleſſe man, as touching the Law, Phil. 3.6. Zealous according to his light: if you urge his perſecuting of the Church, why? ſtill there are as great, if not much greater ſinners then he, for 1 Tim, 1.13. He did it ignorantly. Yet ſtill when the Law ſtirres up the ſence of ſinne, as encompaſſing poore Paul; this is that that kills him, that he is the chiefe of ſinners. Thus is it with our poore hearts: Oh! when we ſee the brightneſſe and glory of the Law of the Lord, how Holy, and juſt, and good it is, and how vile, and ſinfull, and abominable, our ſelves are: Oh! never was there any ſinne like ours, never any guilt like ours: What ſinne againſt ſuch meanes as I? againſt ſuch light as I? againſt ſuch mercies as I? againſt ſuch calls of Grace as I? Oh! never any one ſinned as I have done. Yes friend, thinke as bad of thy ſelfe as thou wilt, others as ſinfull as thou have gone before thee.
Now this is one bewildring darkneſſe… in the fence of ſinne, which may more humble then hurt you, I would many were allured into this wilderneſs this day.
But now comes Satan, as I ſaid before,Darkning that ſplendor of Gods mercy unto us. and his buſineſſe is to raiſe the darkſome fogges of thy ſelfe-condemning, and ſoul-bewildring thoughts; yet higher, ſo as not onelyonly to bedarken all that is within thee, but to cloud the face of mercy, and to obſcure the glory of Chriſts undertakings, by the black guilt of thy ſinnes. Here is a worſe deceiving by the ſenſe of ſin (through Satans temptation) and this makes the formes Wilderneſſe much more bewildring, and the poore loſt Creature ten thouſand times more at a loſs then it was before; when the ſoule comes to ſee its ſinnes greater, then any other ſinnes of the Children of men, Satan ſtriketh in, and takes advantage to make it account its ſinnes greater then any of Gods pardons; and this is a deceiving indeed unto ſlaying; and ſuch I believe was the dark bewildring ſence that Cain and Judas had of their ſinnes; take heed, take heed of this deceipt in your ſenſibleneſs of your ſinnes; and yet even in this dark wilderneſs, are many deare unto God for a ſeaſon left, and as it were, loſt till God come and ſpeake comfortably unto them.
I can give you two eminent inſtances both of mine owne knowledge:Inſtance. The one was when I was a little one; A rich man was walking, and there comes a poor Creature to him with death in his face, and begges of him ſome reliefe: the man was an hard man, and denyed; the poor wretch importunes, and through importunity prevailes thus farre; ſaith the rich man, come to my houſe to morrow, and I will give you ſomething: Oh! ſir, ſaith the poore one, I ſhall die before morning, if I have not ſomething to ſuccour me this night; yet could not the Rich man be then prevailed with: that very night the begger dyed, & was ſound dead the next morning: the Rich man laies this to hear (as I confeſs well he might) & was ſo terrified, that for much time not the leaſt comfort could be faſtned on him, but never was any guilt or ſinne like his; by night he was faine to have conſtant company, and Candles burning with him, and it would frequently cry out, That now the Devill was ready to ſeize on him: He was through providence brought unto a godly Miniſter where I was, and to whom I was related; I being little was left in the roome, when the Miniſter and he were together, Oh! it would have broken any heart that had the leaſt of tenderneſſe, to ſee the poore man, what paines he tooke to load himſelfe with miſery, and to obſtruct the way of mercy; and this was the upſhot of all, never was there ſuch a Murtherer as he, that obtained mercy. I remember (for the afflicted mans carriage made the diſcourſe take more impreſſion on me) the Miniſter inſtanced in Davids Murther, and aggravated it, what a man David was, of what profeſſion, under what mercies, &c. and what a man Uriah was, a godly man, a faithfull ſubject, a publique ſpirited man, &c. and what a murther it was: known, wilfull, deviſed, plotted, longed for, and pleaſing to David when accompliſhed; and yet I remember, would not that poore man bee perſwaded, but that his ſinne was farre greater then Davids, and ſo ſuch as God would not pardon, although at length it pleaſed God by that Miniſter, to faſten ſome comfort on him.
Inſtance.The other was mine owne experience, alſo not long ſince. Indeed the good woman deſired me for Caution unto others (concealing her) to take ſome occaſion to ſpeake of the thing. Her great ſinne, for which ſhee thought there was no mercy, no pardon was a lie; and on this manner ſhe was private at duty in a roome that was ſaid to be haunted (as the phraſe is) in the night, and there came by the Chamber doore, a man of the houſe that hearing ſome ſtirring there, asked her (it being very dark) whether ſhe was there or no, calling her by her name, ſhe being unwilling that hee ſhould know that ſhe uſed to be there, of the ſuddaine anſwered, that it was not ſhe; he urged her again and again, ſhe denyed: At length the man halfe affrighted, prayed her, as ever ſhe look'd for mercy from God, that ſhe would tell him if it were ſhe, and ſhee being much moved, and yet unwilling (through the ſtrength of the preſent temptation) to unſay what ſhe had ſpoken, denyed it yet again. I thus farre agreed with her, that it was indeed a very great ſinne, and deeply to be ſorrowed for; but her language was, that it was the greateſt ſinne that ever was committed, and that there could be no mercy for her, becauſe ſhe had denyed the mercies of the Lord. I inſtanced in Peters denial of Chriſt once, twice, thrice, till it came to curſing and ſwearing, and perfect diſowning of his Saviour, I know not the man; I aggravated it from Peters ſolemne profeſſion of Chriſt, his engagement not to deny him, &c. and yet notwithſtanding he obtained mercy. But for all I could ſay, I could not for the preſent perſwade the woman, but that her denyall was a farre greater ſinne then Peters; and though ſhe believed that there was mercy for him, and ſalvation for him, that declaredly denyed his Saviour; yet could I not perſwade her, that there was any mercy for her, who as ſhee thought, had more perfectly denyed mercy: Yet I believe the woman to be a good woman, ſomething of refreſhment ſhe had e're ſhe went away. This is the of ſinne, a bewildring darkneſs to ſuch a ſoule: aggravate your ſinnes as much as you will, onelyonly by their aggravation take heed of diminiſhing the freeneſs or fulneſs of Gods grace.
Secondly, Soules in ſuch a caſe,2. Paſs darke ſentences on our ſelves. loſe themſelves in the dark ſentences that they paſs upon themſelves. Paul tels you, that ſin by the Law ſlew him; that is, paſſed a ſentence of death upon him, according to that phraſe, 2 Cor. 1.9. Who received the ſentence of death in our ſelves. Poor ſoules will ſave God (as I may ſo ſay) a labour in the condemning of them, for they will condemne themſelves, and their ſentence ſhall be very dark, even as dark as death it ſelfe. Oh! never did any deſerve Hell more then my ſelfe, thither I am a going, and there I muſt receive a juſt recompence of reward. Let me go to Hell, ſaid one, for that is the fitteſt place for me.
Thirdly, They often in ſuch a ſeaſon, take up dark Reſolves concerning themſelves;3ly, Take up dark, reſolves concerning themſelves. they themſelves paſſed Sentence, and now they proceed to Execution. They ſay, they have deſerved Hell, and it muſt be ſo, they muſt go to Hell, there's no helpe for't; ſay what you can to comfort me, my ſinne will ſlay me; doe what you can for me, my ſinne will ſlay me. I have heard ſuch language, and now the ſoule's at an utter loſs: Oh! I ſhall verily die in my ſinnes, Jer. 15.18. My pain is perpetuall, and my wound incurable. Oh! if the terrours of the Lord were but for a day, or a year, I might better beare them, ſaith ſuch a ſoul; but they are perpetuall, eternall death is the wages of my ſinne, what ſhall I doe? Oh! if my wound were curable, though it be great and terrible! but I am without any expectation of recovery, paſt all hope. Thus poore ones in this darkſome wilderneſſe, do reſolve concerning themſelves.
4ly, Dark reſolutions with themſelves.4ly, From dark Reſolves concerning themſelves, they ſometimes paſs to darker reſolutions with themſelves. Their hearts language is not onelyonly I may be damned, and I muſt be damned, there's no other way; but even almoſt, I will be damned. There's no comfort for me, and I will take no comfort to me, Jer. 15.18. My pain is perpetuall, and my wound incurable, which refuſeth to be healed. Not onelyonly incurable (that is, that cannot be healed) but that refuſeth to be cured, (that is, that will not be healed) and verily, as for ſoules that have a long time ſaid,Note. that there is no mercy or comfort that belongs unto them, there is a kind of ſpirituall pride in the loweſt ebbe of very deſpaire, they have ſo long ſaid that they ſhall periſh, that when they begin through mercy to be better perſwaded, they are very loath to think that it ſhall be otherwiſe, and ſo refuſe to be healed: ſo Aſaph, Pſal. 77.2. My ſore ran in the night, and ceaſed not, my ſoul refuſed to be comforted. Oh! take heed of thruſting Gods precious Conſolations ſo often, or ſo long from you, as to get an habit of refuſing him; habits are hardly left, though there be never ſo great reaſon to diſſwade us from them. Sometimes poore ſoules in this darkſome wilderneſs, are ready to be of his minde and vote, who deſired that he might be in Hell, that he might know the worſt of his torment: yet God that allures into the wilderneſs, faſtens comfort oft-times upon ſuch a ſoul.
Theſe are bewildring-darkneſſes as to our ſelves.