Tears of Repentance, Confession 1 – Confession 5
The firſt which was called forth is named Totherſwamp, whoſe former Confeſſion read before the Elders, was as followeth:
BEfore I prayed unto God, the Engliſh, when I came unto their houſes, often ſaid unto me, Pray to God; but I having many friends who loved me, and I loved them, and they cared not for praying to God, and therefore I did not: But I thought in my heart, that if my friends ſhould die, and I live, I then would pray to God; ſoon after, God ſo wrought, that they did almoſt all die, few of them left; and then my heart feared, and I thought, that now I will pray unto God, and yet I was aſhamed to pray; and if I eat and did not pray, I was aſhamed of that alſo; ſo that I had a double ſhame upon me: Then you came unto us, and taught us, and ſaid unto us, Pray unto God; and after that, my heart grew ſtrong, and I was no more aſhamed to pray, but I did take up praying to God; yet at firſt I did not think of God, and eternal Life, but only that the Engliſh ſhould love me, and I loved them: But after I came to learn what ſin was, by the Commandements of God, and then I ſaw all my ſins, luſt, gaming, &c. (he named more.) You taught, That Chriſt knoweth all our hearts, and ſeeth what is in them, if humility, or anger, or evil thoughts, Chriſt ſeeth all that is in the heart; then my heart feared greatly, becauſe God was angry for all my ſins; yea, now my heart is full of evil thoughts, and my heart runs away from God, therefore my heart feareth and mourneth. Every day I ſee ſin in my heart; one man brought ſin into the World, and I am full of that ſin, and I break Gods Word every day. I ſee I deſerve not pardon, for the firſt mans ſinning; I can do no good, for I am like the Devil, nothing but evil thoughts, and words, and works. I have loſt all likeneſs to God, and goodneſs, and therefore every day I ſin againſt God, and I deſerve death and damnation: The firſt man brought ſin firſt, and I do every day ad to that ſin, more ſins; but Chriſt hath done for us all righteouſneſs, and died for us becauſe of our ſins, and Chriſt teacheth us, That if we caſt away our ſins, and truſt in Chriſt, then God will pardon all our ſins; this I beleeve Chriſt hath done, I can do no righteouſneſs, but Chriſt hath done it for me; this I beleeve, and therefore I do hope for pardon. When I firſt heard the Commandements, I then took up praying to God, and caſt off ſin. Again, When I heard, and underſtood Redemption by Chriſt, then I beleeved Jeſus Chriſt to take away my ſins: every Commandement taught me ſin, and my duty to God. When you ask me, Why do I love God? I anſwer, Becauſe he giveth me all outward bleſſings, as food, clothing, children, all gifts of ſtrength, ſpeech, hearing; eſpecially that he giveth us a Miniſter to teach us, and giveth us Government; and my heart feareth leſt Government ſhould reprove me: but the greateſt mercy of all is Chriſt, to give us pardon and life.
Totherſwamp The Confeſſion which he made on the Faſt day before the great Aſſembly, was as followeth:
I Confeſs in the preſence of the Lord, before I prayed, many were my ſins, not one good word did I ſpeak, not one good thought did I think, not one good action did I doe: I did act all ſins, and full was my heart of evil thoughts: when the Engliſh did tell me of God, I cared not for it. I thought it enough if they loved me: I had many friends that loved me, and I thought if they died, I would pray to God: and afterward it ſo came to paſs; then was my heart aſhamed, to pray I was aſhamed, & if I prayed not, I was aſhamed; a double ſhame was upon me: when God by you taught us, very much aſhamed was my heart; then you taught us that Chriſt knoweth all our harts: therefore truly he ſaw my thoughts, and I had thought, if my kindred ſhould die I would pray to God; therfore they dying, I muſt now pray to God: and therefore my heart feared, for I thought Chriſt knew my thoughts: then I heard you teach, The firſt man God made was named Adam, & God made a Covenant with him, Do and live, thou and thy Children; if thou do not thou muſt die, thou and thy Children; And we are Children of Adam poor ſinners, therefore we all have ſinned, for we have broke Gods Covenant, therefore evil is my heart therefore God is very angry with me, we ſin againſt him every day; but this great mercy God hath given us, he hath given us his only Son, and promiſeth, That whoſoever beleeveth in Chriſt ſhall be ſaved: for Chriſt hath dyed for us in our ſtead, for our ſins, and he hath done for us all the words of God, for I can do no good act, only Chriſt can, and only Chriſt hath done all for us; Chriſt have deſerved Pardon for us, and riſen again, he hath aſcended to God, and doth ever pray for us; therefore all Beleevers Souls ſhall goe to Heaven to Chriſt. But when I heard that word of Chriſt, Chriſt ſaid Repent and Beleeve, and Chriſt ſeeth who Repenteth, then I ſaid, dark and weak is my Soul, and I am one in darkneſs, I am a very ſinful man, and now I pray to Chriſt for life. Hearing you teach that Word that the Scribes and Phariſees ſaid Why do thy Diſciples break the Tradition of the Fathers? Chriſt anſwered, Why do ye make void the Commandements of God? Then my heart feared that I do ſo, when I teach the Indians, becauſe I cannot teach them right, and thereby make the word of God vain. Again, Chriſt ſaid If the blind lead the blind they will both fall into the ditch; Therfore I feared that I am one blind, and when I teach other Indians I ſhal cauſ them to fall into the ditch. This is the love of God to me, that he giveth me all mercy in this world, and for them al I am thankfull; but I confeſs I deſerve Hell; I cannot deliver my ſelf, but I give my Soul and my Fleſh to Chriſt and I truſt my ſoul with him for he is my Redeemer, and I deſire to call upon him while I live.
This was his Confeſſion which ended, Mr. Allin further demanded of him this Queſtion, How he found his heart, now in the matter of Repentance
His anſwer was; I am aſhamed of all my ſins, my heart is broken for them and melteth in me, I am angry with my ſelf for my ſins, and I pray to Chriſt to take away my ſins, and I deſire that they may be pardoned.
But it was deſired that further Queſtion might be forborn, leſt time would be wanting to here them all ſpeak.
Then Waban was called forth, whoſe Confeſſion was as followeth; no former confeſſion of his being read unto the Elders.
BEfore I heard of God, and before the Engliſh came into this Country, many evil things my heart did work, many thoughts I had in my heart; I wiſhed for riches, I wiſhed to be a witch, I wiſhed to be a Sachem; and many ſuch other evils were in my heart: Then when the Engliſh came, ſtill my heart did the ſame things; when the Engliſh taught me of God (I coming to their Houſes) I would go out of their doors, and many years I knew nothing; when the Engliſh taught me I was angry with them: But a little while agoe after the great ſikneſs, I conſidered what the Engliſh do, and I had ſome deſire to do as they do; and after that I began to work as they work; and then I wondered how the Engliſh come to be ſo ſtrong to labor; then I thought I ſhall quickly die, and I feared leſt I ſhould die before I prayed to God; then I thought, if I prayed to God in our Language, whether could God underſtand my prayers in our Language; therefore I did ask Mr. Jackson, and Mr. Mahu, If God underſtood prayers in our Language? They anſwered me, God doth underſtand all Languages in the World. But I do not know how to confeſs, and little do I know of Chriſt; I fear I ſhall not beleeve a great while, and very ſlowly; I do not know what grace is in my heart, there is but little good in me; but this I know, That Chriſt hath kept all Gods Commandements for us, and that Chriſt doth know all our hearts; and now I deſire to repent of all my ſins: I neither have done, nor can do the Commandements of the Lord, but I am aſhamed of all I do, and I do repent of all my ſins, even of all that I do know of: I deſire that I may be converted from all my ſins, and that I might beleeve in Chriſt, and I deſire him; I diſlike my ſins, yet I do not truly pray to God in my heart: no matter for good words, all is the true heart; and this day I do not ſo much deſire good words, as throughly to open my heart: I confeſs I can do nothing, but deſerve damnation; only Chriſt can help me and do for me. But I have nothing to ſay for my ſelf that is good; I judg that I am a ſinner, and cannot repent, but Chriſt hath deſerved pardon for us.
This Confeſſion being not ſo ſatisfactory as was deſired, Mr. Wilſon teſtified, that he ſpake theſe latter expreſſions with tears, which I obſerved not, becauſe I attended to writing; but I gave this teſtimony of him, That his converſation was without offence to the Engliſh, ſo far as I knew, and among the Indians, it was exemplar: his gift is not ſo much in expreſſing himſelf this way, but in other reſpects uſeful and eminent; it being demanded in what reſpect, I anſwered to this purpoſe, That his gift lay in Ruling, Judging of Caſes, wherein he is patient, conſtant, and prudent, inſomuch that he is much reſpected among them, for they have choſen him a Ruler of Fifty, and he Ruleth well according to his meaſure. It was further ſaid, they thought he had been a great drawer on to Religion; I replyed, ſo he was in his way, and did prevail with many; and ſo it reſted.
The next that was called, was William of Sudbury, his Indian Name is Nataôus; his former Confeſſion read before the Elders, was as followeth:
I Confeſs that before I prayed, I committed all manner of ſins, and ſerved many gods: when the Engliſh came firſt, I going to their Houſes, they ſpake to me of your God, but when I heard of God, my heart hated it; but when they ſaid the Devil was my god, I was angry, becauſe I was proud: when I came to their houſes I hated to hear of God, I loved luſt in my own houſe and not God, I loved to pray to many gods. Five years ago, I going to Engliſh houſes, and they ſpeaking of God, I did a little like of it, yet when I went again to my own houſe, I did all manner of ſins, and in my heart I did act all ſins, though I would not be ſeen by man. Then going to your houſe, I more desired to hear of God; and my heart ſaid, I will pray to God ſo long as I live: then I went to the Miniſter Mr. Browns houſe, and told him I would pray as long as I lived; but he ſaid I did not ſay it from my heart, and I beleeve it. When Wahan ſpake to me that I ſhould pray to God, I did ſo. But I had greatly ſinned againſt God, and had not beleeved the Word, but was proud: but then I was angry with my ſelf, and loathed my ſelf, and thought God will not forgive me my sins. For when I had been abroad in the woods I would be very angry, and would lye unto men, and I could not find the way how to be a good man: then I beleeved your teaching, That when good men die, the Angels carry their ſouls to God; but evil men dying, they go to Hell, and periſh for ever. I thought this a true ſaying, and I promiſed to God, to pray to God as long as I live. I had a little grief in my heart five years ago for my sins: but many were my prides; ſomtime I was angry with my ſelf, and pityed my ſelf; but I thought God would not pardon ſuch a proud heart as mine is: I beleeve that Chriſt would have me to forſake my anger; I beleeve that Chriſt hath redeemed us, and I am glad to hear thoſe words of God; and I deſire that I might do al the good waies of God, and that I might truly pray unto God: I do now want Graces, and theſe Chriſt only teacheth us, and only Chriſt hath wrought our redemption, and he procureth our pardon for all our sins; and I beleeve that when beleevers dy, Gods Angels carry them to Heaven: but I want faith to beleeve the Word of God, and to open my Eyes, and to help me to caſt away all sins; and Chriſt hath deſerved for me eternall life: I have deſerved nothing my ſelf; Chriſt hath deſerved all, and giveth me faith to beleeve it.
Willam of Sudbury: His Indian Name is NATAÔUS. The Confeſſion which he made on the faſt day before the great Aſſembly was as followeth.
BEfore I prayed to God, I commited all sins; and ſerving many gods. I much deſpiſed praying unto God, for I beleeved the Devil, and he did dayly teach me to sin, and I did them: ſomtimes hearing of God my heart did hate it, and went to my own houſe, becauſe I did love to commit all sin there. About Six years ago, a little I liked to hear of God, and yet I hated that which was good: hearing that Cutſhamoquin prayed, then I thought I will pray alſo: a year after, I heard of praying to God, and I went to Mr. Browns houſe and told him I will pray to God as long as live; he ſaid, I doubt of it, and bid me cut off my hair, and I did ſo preſently; and then I desired to be like God, and Jeſus Chriſt, and to call on him, but I found it very hard to beleeve; yet I thought, I wil pray as long as I live. Hearing that Word, That Chriſt dyed for us, was buried & roſe again, and hearing of that Word alſo, Seek peace & imbrace the Word: then I began to beleeve that Chriſt died for us, for sin; and I ſaw my heart very full of sin. And hearing that word, That Chriſt went to the Mount Olives, and aſcended, I beleeved and thought, Oh that God would pardon me; but I fear he will not, becauſe I have been ſo long time a sinner. Somtime I am angry with my ſelf, for my many Evil thoughts in my heart; and to this day I want grace, and cannot confeſs, becauſe I have been ſo great a sinner: and this day I confeſs, a little I pray, and that I can pray but a little and weakly. When I heard that word of God, That all from the rising to the ſetting Sun ſhall pray I firſt under ſtood it it not, and wondered how it ſhould be: after I ſaw that when they beleeve and obey God, then he will teach them to do right things, and God will teach us to do al things for God, ſleeping and waking to be with God. But ſtill do fooliſhly, and not according to my prayer: I cannot get pardon of my sins, for my sins are great in thought, word, and deed: and no man can caſt off his own sins, but that is the work of Chriſt only to work it in us; a man cannot make a right prayer but when Chriſt aſſiſteth him; then we ſhall do all things well. I beleeve that Chriſt is God, and the Son of God becauſe when he dyed, he roſe again, and he dyed for our ſins; and I beleeve he is in Heaven and ever prayeth for us, and ſendeth his goſpel unto us: and I am angry with my ſelf, becauſe I do not beleeve the word of God, and goſpel of Jeſus Chriſt.