Works of Joseph Hall, Character 20
Of the Couetous.
HE is a ſeruant to himſelfe, yea to his ſeruant; and doth baſe homage to that which ſhould be the worſt drudge. A liueleſſe peece of earth is his maſter, yea his God, which he ſhrines in his coffer, and to which he ſacrifices his heart. EueryEvery face of his coine is a new image, which he adores with the higheſt veneration; yet takes vponupon him to be Protector of that he worſhippeth: which he feares to keepe, and abhorres to loſe: not daring to truſt either any other god, or his owne. Like a true Chymiſt he turnes eueryevery thing into Siluer, both what hee ſhould eat, and what he ſhould weare; and that he keeps to looke on, not to vſe. When he returnes from his field, he askes, not without much rage, what became of the looſe cruſt in his cup-bord, and who hath rioted among his Leekes. He neuer eats good meale, but on his neighbours trencher; and there he makes amends to his complaining ſtomacke for his former and future faſts. He bids his neighbours to dinner, and when they hauehave done, ſends in a trencher for the ſhot. Once in a yeere perhaps, he giues himſelfe leaue to feaſt, and for the time thinks no man more lauiſh; wherein he liſts not to fetch his diſhes from farre; nor will be beholden to the ſhambles, his owne prouiſion ſhall furniſh his boord with an inſenſible coſt, and when his gueſts are parted, talkes how much eueryevery man deuoured, and how many cups were emptied, and feeds his family with the mouldy remnants a monethmonth after. If his ſeruant breake but an earthen diſh for want of light, he abates it out of his quarters wages. Hee chips his bread, and ſends it backe to exchange for ſtaler. He lets money, and ſells Time for a price; and will not be importuned either to preuent or deferre his day; and in the meane time looks for ſecret gratuities, beſides the maine intereſt which he ſels and returnes into the ſtocke. He breeds of Money to the third generation; neither hath it ſooner any being, than he ſets it to beget more. In all things he affects ſecrecy and propriety: he grudgeth his neighbour the water of his Well: and next to ſtealing, hee hates borrowing. In his ſhort and vnquiet ſleepes he dreames of theeues, and runs to the doore, and names more men than he hath. The leaſt ſheafe he euer culls out for Tithe; and to rob God, holds it the beſt paſtime, the cleereſt gaine. This man cries out aboue others, of the prodigalitie of our times, and tells of the thrift of our fore-fathers: How that great Prince thought himſelfe royally attired, when he beſtowed thirteene ſhillings and foure pence on halfe a ſute. How one wedding gowne ſerued our Grandmothers, till they exchanged it for a winding ſheet; and praiſes plainneſſe, not for leſſe ſin, but for leſſe coſt. For himſelfe he is ſtill knowne by his fore-fathers coat, which hee meanes with his bleſſing, to bequeath to the many deſcents of his heires. He neither would be poore, nor be accounted rich. No man complaines ſo much of want, to auoid a Subſidie; no man is ſo importunate in begging, ſo cruell in exaction; and when he moſt complaines of want, he feares that which he complaines to hauehave. No way is indirect to wealth; whether of fraud or violence. Gaine is his godlineſſe; which if conſcience goe about to preiudice, and grow troubleſome by exclaiming againſt, he is condemned for a common Barretor. Like another Ahab, he is ſicke of the next field, and thinkes he is ill ſeated, while hee dwels by neighbours. Shortly, his neighbours doe not much more hate him, than he himſelfe. He cares not (for no great aduantage) to loſe his friend, pine his body, damne his ſoule; and would diſpatch himſelfe when corne falls, but that he is loth to caſt away money on a cord.