Works of Joseph Hall, Character 21 – Character 23
Of the Ʋaine-glorious.
AL his humour riſes vp into the froth of oſtentation; which if it once ſettle, fals downe into a narrow roome. If the exceſſe be in the vnderſtanding part, all his wit is in print; the Preſſe hath left his head emptie; yea, not onelyonly what he had, but what he could borrow without leaue. If his glory be in his deuotion, he giues not an Almes but on record; and if he hauehave once done well, God heares of it often; for vponupon eueryevery vnkindneſſe hee is ready to vpbraid him with merits. Ouer and aboue his owne diſcharge, he hath ſome ſatisfactions to ſpare for the common treaſure. He can fulfill the Law with eaſe, and earne God with ſuperfluitie. If he hauehave beſtowed but a little ſumme in the glazing, pauing, parieting of Gods houſe, you ſhall finde it in the Church-window. Or if a more gallant humour poſſeſſe him, he weares all his land on his backe; and walking high, lookes ouer his left ſhoulder, to ſee if the point of his Rapier follow him with a Grace. He is proud of another mans horſe; and well mounted, thinkes eueryevery man wrongs him, that lookes not at him. A bare head in the ſtreet, doth him more good than a meales meat. Hee ſweares bigge at an Ordinary, and talkes of the Court with a ſharpe accent; neither vouchſafes to name any not honourable, nor thoſe without ſome tearme of familiaritie; and likes well to ſee the hearer looke vponupon him amazedly, as if he ſaid, How happy is this man that is ſo great with Great-Ones! VnderUnder pretence of ſeeking for a ſcroll of newes, he drawes out an handfull of letters indorſed with his owne ſtile, to the height: and halfe reading eueryevery title, paſſes ouer the latter part, with a murmur; not without ſignifying, what Lord ſent this, what great Lady the other; and for what ſutes; the laſt paper (as it happens) is his newes from his honorable friend in the French Court. In the midſt of dinner, his Lacquay comes ſweating in, with a ſealed note from his Creditor, who now threatens a ſpeedy arreſt, and whiſpers the ill newes in his Maſters eare, when he aloud names a Counceller of State, and profeſſes to know the emploiment. The ſame meſſenger he calls with an imperious nod; and after expoſtulation, where hee hath left his fellowes, in his eare ſends him for ſome new ſpur-leathers or ſtockings by this time footed; and when he is gone halfe the roome, recals him, and ſaith aloud, It is no matter, Let the greater bagge alone till I come; and yet againe calling him cloſer, whiſpers (ſo that all the table may heare) that if his crimſon ſute be ready againſt the day, the reſt need no haſte. He picks his teeth when his ſtomacke is empty, and calls for Pheſants at a common Inne. You ſhall finde him prizing the richeſt Iewels, and faireſt horſes, when his purſe yeelds not money enough for earneſt. He thruſts himſelfe into the preaſe, before ſome great Ladies; and loues to be ſeene neere the head of a great traine. His talke is how many Mourners hee furniſht with gownes at his Fathers funerals, how many meſſes, how rich his Coat is, and how ancient, how great his alliance: what challenges he hath made and anſwered; what exploits he did at Cales or Newport; and when he hath commended others buildings, furnitures, ſutes, compares them with his owne. When he hath vndertaken to be the Broker for ſome rich Diamond, he weares it; and pulling off his Gloue to ſtroke vp his haire, thinks no eye ſhould hauehave any other obiect. Entertaining his friend, hee chides his Cooke for no better cheere, and names the diſhes he meant, and wants. To conclude, he is euer on the Stage, and acts ſtill a glorious part abroad, when no man caries a baſer heart, no man is more ſordid and careleſſe at home. He is a Spaniſh Souldier on an Italian Theater; a Bladder full of wind, a skin full of words, a fooles wonder, and a wiſe mans foole.
Of the Preſumptuous.
PReſumption is nothing but hope out of his wits, an high houſe vponupon weak pillars. The preſumptuous man loues to attempt great things, onelyonly becauſe they are hard and rare: his actions are bold and venturous, and more full of hazard than vſe. He hoiſeth ſaile in a tempeſt, and ſaith, neuer any of his Anceſtors were drowned: he goes into an infected houſe, and ſaies, the plague dares not ſeize on noble bloud: he runnes on high battlements, gallops downe ſteepe hills, rides ouer narrow bridges, walkes on weake Ice, and neuer thinks, What if I fall? but, What if I runne ouer and fall not? He is a confident Alchymiſt, and braggeth, that the wombe of his Furnace hath conceiued a burden that will doe all the world good: which yet he deſires ſecretly borne, for feare of his owne bondage: in the meane time, his Glaſſe breakes; yet hee vponupon better luting laies wagers of the ſucceſſe, and promiſeth wedges before-hand to his friend. He ſaith, I will ſinne, and be ſorry, and eſcape; either God will not ſee, or not be angry, or not puniſh it; or remit the meaſure. If I doe well, he is iuſt to reward; if ill, he is mercifull to forgiue. Thus his praiſes wrong God no leſſe than his offence; and hurt himſelfe no leſſe than they wrong God. Any patterne is enough to encourage him: ſhew him the way where any foot hath trod, he dare follow, although he ſee no ſteps returning; what if a thouſand hauehave attempted, and miſcarried; if but one hauehave preuailed, it ſufficeth. He ſuggeſts to himſelfe falſe hopes of neuer too late; as if hee could command either Time or repentance: and dare defer the expectation of mercy, till betwixt the bridge and the water. GiueGive him but where to ſet his foot, and he will remoue the earth. He fore knowes the mutations of States, the euents of warre, the temper of the ſeaſons; either his old prophecy tels it him, or his ſtarres. Yea, he is no ſtranger to the Records of Gods ſecret counſell, but he turnes them ouer, and copies them out at pleaſure. I know not whether in all his enterpriſes he ſhew leſſe feare, or wiſdome: no man promiſes himſelfe more, no man more beleeues himſelfe. I will goe and ſell, and returne and purchaſe, and ſpend and leaue my ſonnes ſuch eſtates; all which if it ſucceed, he thanks himſelfe; if not, he blames not himſelfe. His purpoſes are meaſured, not by his ability, but his will, and his actions by his purpoſes. Laſtly, he is euer credulous in aſſent, raſh in vndertaking, peremptory in reſoluing, witleſſe in proceeding, and in his ending miſerable; which is neuer other, than either the laughter of the wiſe, or the pittie of fooles.
Of the Diſtruſtfull.
THE diſtruſtfull man hath his heart in his eies, or in his hand; nothing is ſure to him but what he ſees, what he handles. Hee is either very ſimple, or very falſe; and therefore beleeues not others, becauſe hee knowes how little himſelfe is worthy of beleefe. In ſpirituall things, either God muſt leaue a pawne with him, or ſeeke ſome other Creditor. All abſent things and vnuſuall, hauehave no other, but a conditionall entertainment: they are ſtrange, if true. If he ſee two neighbours whiſper in his preſence, he bids them ſpeake out, and charges them to ſay no more than they can iuſtifie. When he hath committed a meſſage to his ſeruant, he ſends a ſecond after him, to liſten how it is deliuered. He is his owne Secretarie, and of his owne counſell, for what he hath, for what he purpoſeth: and when he tels ouer his bags, looks thorow the key-hole, to ſee if he hauehave any hidden witneſſe, and askes aloud, Who is there? when no man heares him. He borrowes money when he needs not, for feare leſt others ſhould borrow of him. He is euer timerous, and cowardly; and askes eueryevery mans errand at the doore, ere he opens. After his firſt ſleepe, he ſtarts vp, and askes if the furtheſt gate were barred, and out of a fearefull ſweat calls vp his ſeruant, and bolts the doore after him; and then ſtudies whether it were better to lie ſtill and beleeue, or riſe and ſee. Neither is his heart fuller of feares, than his head full of ſtrange proiects, and farre-fetcht conſtructions: What meanes the State, thinke you, in ſuch an action, and whither tends this courſe? Learne …e (if you know not:) the waies of deepe policies are ſecret, and full of vnknowne windings; that is their act, this will be their iſſue: ſo caſting beyond the Moone, he makes wiſe and iuſt proceedings ſuſpected. In all his predictions, and imaginations, he euer lights vponupon the worſt; not what is moſt likely will fall out, but what is moſt ill. There is nothing that he takes not with the left hand: no text which his gloſſe corrupts not. Words, othes, parchments, ſeales, are but broken Reeds; theſe ſhall neuer deceiue him; he loues no paiments but reall. If but one in an age hauehave miſcarried by a rare caſualtie, he miſdoubts the ſame euent. If but a Tile falne from an high roofe, hauehave brained a paſſenger, or the breaking of a Coach-wheele hauehave indangered the burden, he ſweares he will keepe home, or take him to his horſe. He dares not come to Church, for feare of the crowd; not ſpare the Sabbaths labour, for feare of the want; nor come neere the Parliament houſe, becauſe it ſhould hauehave beene blowne vp. What might hauehave beene, affects him as much as what will be. Argue, vow, proteſt, ſweare; he heares thee, and beleeues himſelfe. He is a Scepticke, and dare hardly giuegive credit to his ſenſes, which he hath often arraigned of falſe intelligence. Hee ſo liues, as if hee thought all the world were theeues, and were not ſure whether himſelfe were one. He is vncharitable in his cenſures, vnquiet in his feares; bad enough alwaies, but in his owne opinion much worſe than he is.