Of Domestical Duties, Treatise 4 · Section 11 – Section 17
§. 11. Of husbands *Treat. 3. §. 7. V. Husbands muſt intirely delight in their wiues.intire affection to their wiues.
An husbands affection to his wife muſt be anſwerable to his opinion of her: he ought therefore to delight in his wife intirely, that is, ſo to delight in her as wholly and only delighting in her: In this reſpect the Prophets wife is called the aEzec. 24. 16. foreigndeſire, or delight, or pleaſure of his eyes: that wherein he moſt of all delighted, and therefore by a propriety ſo called.
Such delight did Iſaak take in his wife as it droue out a contrary ſtrong paſſion, namely the griefe which he tooke for the departure of his mother: for it is noted that he bGen. 24. 67.loued her, and was comforted after his mothers death.
This kinde of affection the wiſe-man doth elegantly ſet forth in theſe words, Reioyce with the wife of thy youth: Let her Pro. 5. 18, 19. expounded.be as the louing Hinde, and pleaſant Roe, and be thou rauiſht alwaies with her louelove. Here note both the metaphors, and alſo the hyperbole which are vſed to ſet forth an husbands delight in his wife. In the metaphors againe note both the creatures whereunto a wife is reſembled, and alſo the attributes giuen to them. The creatures are two, an Hind and a Roe, which are the females of an Hart and a Roe-Bucke: now it is noted of the Hart and Roe-Bucke, that of all other beaſts they are moſt inamored (as I may ſo ſpeake) with their mates, and euen mad againe in their heat and deſire after them.
Theſe metaphors hath Salomon vſed to ſet forth that vnfained and earneſt, intire and ardent affection which an husband ought to beare vntounto his wife: which being taken in a good ſenſe, and rightly applied, ſo as they exceed not the bonds of chriſtian modeſty and decency, are very fit, and pertinent to the purpoſe: if we ſtretch them beyond modeſty, we wrong the pen-man of them, or rather the Holy Ghoſt that directed him, and propound a pernicious patterne vntounto husbands.
The attributes giuen to the forenamed creatures much amplifie the point: the former is termed a louing Hind, the latter foreign Col. 1. 13. foreign.a pleaſant Roe, word for word an Hind of Loues, a Roe of fauour, that is, exceedingly loued and fauoured: (for to ſet forth the extent of Gods louelove vntounto his Sonne, Chriſt is called the ſonne of his louelove:)
Theſe compariſons applied to a wife, doe liuely ſet forth that delight which an husband ought to take in her, and yet is it much further amplified by the hyperbole vſed in this phraſe, be thou rauiſht with her louelove, word for word erre thou in her louelove, foreignby which no ſinfull error, or dotage is meant, but a lawfull earneſt affection: implying two things eſpecially: Firſt ſo far to exceed, as to make a man ouerſee ſome ſuch blemiſhes in his wife, as others would ſoone eſpie and miſlike: or elſe to count them no blemiſhes, delighting in her neuer a whit the leſſe for them. For example, if a man hauehave a wife, not very beautifull, or proper, but hauing ſome deformity in her body, ſome imperfection in her ſpeech, ſight, geſture, or any part of her body, yet ſo to affect her, and delight in her, as if ſhe were the faireſt, and eueryevery way moſt compleat woman in the world. Secondly, ſo highly to eſteeme, ſo ardently to affect, ſo tenderly to reſpect her, as others may thinke him euen to doat on her. An husbands affection to his wife cannot be too great if it kept within the bonds of honeſty, ſobriety and comelineſſe. The wiues affection ought to be as great to her husband, yet becauſe of the husbands place of authority, he muſt eſpecially take all occaſions to manifeſt this his inward affection. Read the Song of Songs, and in it you ſhall obſerue ſuch affection manifeſted by Chriſt to his Spouſe, as would make one thinke he did (with reuerence in an holy manner to vſe the phraſe) euen erre in his louelove and doat on her. A good patterne and preſident for husbands. For nothing is more louely them a Nihil viro vxore bona amabilius. Hier. in Ezec. 24.good wife.
§. 12. Of the Stoicall diſpoſition of huſbands to their wiues.
Contrary is the diſpoſition of ſuch husbands as hauehave no heat, or heart of affection in them: but Stoick-like delight no more in their owne wiues then in any other women, nor account them any dearer then others. A diſpoſition no way warranted by the word. The faithfull Saints of God before mentioned, as alſo many other like to them, were no Stoicks, without all affection: nor did they thinke it a matter vnbeſeeming them after a peculiar manner to delight in their wiues (witneſſe Iſaacks ſporting with his wife) for this is a priuiledge which appertaineth Gen. 26. 8.to the eſtate of mariage. But that I be not miſtaken herein, let it be noted that the affection whereof I ſpeake is not a carnall, ſenſuall, beaſtly affection, but ſuch an one as may ſtand with Chriſtian grauitie and ſo briety: hauing relation to the ſoule of a mans wife as well as to her body, grounded both on the neere coniunction of mariage, and alſo on the inward qualities of his wife.
Thus farre of an husbands inward reſpect of his wife. It followeth to ſpeake of his outward cariage towards her.
§. 13. Of an husbands *Treat. 3. §. 10.kinde acceptance of ſuch things as his wife doth.
S. Peter giueth a generall rule for an husbands outward cariage to his wife, which is, that he dwell with her according to knowledge, that is, as a man able to order his cariage wiſely to his owne honour and his wiues good, that ſo ſhe may hauehave iuſt cauſe to bleſſe God that euer ſhe was ioyned to ſuch an huſband.
Out of this generall theſe two branches ſprout forth.
1. That an husband giuegive no iuſt offence to his wife.
2. That wiſely he order that offence which is giuen by her.
To auoid giuing of offence he muſt hauehave reſpect,
1. To that which ſhe doth as duty to him.
2. To that which he doth as duty to her.
In regard of the former two things are requiſite:
1. That he kindly accept what ſhe is willing and able to doe.
2. That he wiſely commend and reward what ſhe doth well.
Thus hauing for orders ſake laid downe theſe heads, I will diſtinctly handle the ſeuerall points.
The firſt particular wherein an husband ſheweth himſelfe VI. Husbands muſt kindly accept eueryevery good duty of his wife. Gen. 21. 8.to be a man of knowledge in walking before his wife, is by a kinde and reſpectiue acceptation of eueryevery good duty which his wife performeth. Abraham in teſtimony of his good acceptance of Sarahs pains in nurſing her childe, made a great feaſt when the childe was weined: and Elkanah on a like reſpect gaue liberty 1 Sam. 1. 23.to his wife to doe what ſeemed her beſt.
A great incouragement muſt this needs be vntounto wiues to be ſubiect vntounto their husbands in all things, when they obſerue no part of their ſubiection to be careleſly neglected, but rather graciouſly accepted: it quickens the ſpirit of a wife to thinke that her care and pains in pleaſing her husband ſhall not be in vaine.
§. 14. Of husbands ſleighting and reiecting their wiues goodneſſe.
Contrary is their practiſe who thinking all which a wife Contrary, 1. To take no notice of their wiues goodneſſe.doth to be but her duty, take little or no notice thereof; or if they cannot but take notice of it, yet lightly regard it, and ſleightly paſſe it ouer. This oftentimes maketh a wife euen repent the good ſhe hath done, as Dauid repented the ſeruice 2. Sleightly to paſſe it ouer. 1 Sam. 25. 21.which he had done for Nabal. The truth is that wiues ought rather to looke vntounto God for his acceptation then vntounto their husbands: and though their husbands will take no notice, or not regard what good thing they doe, yet for conſcience ſake, and for the Lords ſake to doe their duty: But yet notwithſtanding conſidering our weakneſſe and backwardneſſe vntounto eueryevery duty, it can not be denied but that an husbands ſleight regarding of his wiues goodneſſe is an occaſion to make her weary thereof: and that he doth as much as in him lieth to make her repent thereof.
But what may we ſay of ſuch as ſcornfully reiect their wiues 3. Scornfully to reiect it.duty, yea like them the worſe for making conſcience thereof, and ſo (cleane contrary to the rule of chriſtianitie) ouercome goodneſſe with euill? Surely they ſhew a very diabolicall ſpirit Rom. 12. 21.to be in them: and cannot but miniſter much griefe, and offence to their wiues, and make that which they doe to be very irkſome and tedious. Fathers ought not to prouoke their Epheſ. 6. 4.children, much leſſe husbands their wiues.
§. 15. Of husbands *Treat. 3. §. 11. 55.courteous accepting their wiues reuerend cariage.
For the better conceiuing of this ſo needfull a point I will How a mans good acceptance of his wiues duty is manifeſted.ſomewhat more particularly and diſtinctly applie the ſame to the ſeuerall duties of a wife: which were drawne to two heads
| Reuerence. |
| Obedience. |
For the firſt, if a wife manifeſt her dutifull reſpect of her 1. By anſwering reuerence with courteſie. Depone aſperitatem morum cum tibi ſedula vxor occurrit, &c. Ambr. Hexaem. lib. 5. cap. 7.husband by any reuerend behauiour, geſture, or ſpeech, he ought to meet her (as we ſay) in the middeſt of the way, and manifeſt his gratious acceptance thereof by ſome like courteous behauiour, geſture, and ſpeech, being ſeemely, not fooliſh.
Obiect. Thus ſhall an husband abaſe himſelfe, and diſgrace his place.
Anſw. The courteſie which I ſpeake of as it commeth from a ſuperiour, being a meere voluntary matter and a token Courteſie may ſtand with ſuperiority.of kindneſſe and fauour, is no abaſement of himſelfe, but an aduancement of his inferiour: a great grace to her, no diſgrace to him. Abram was counted of the Hittits a Prince of Gen. 23. 6, 7.God, yet in communing with them he bowed vntounto them. It is noted as a commendable thing in Eſau, that though at that time he was his brothers ſuperiour (at leaſt he tooke himſelfe ſo to be) yet obſeruing how Iaakob reuerenced him, bowing ſeuen times to the ground, he ranne to meet him, and embraced Gen. 33. 3, 4.him, and fell on his necke. Moſt pertinent to the point is the example of King Ahaſhveroſh, who beholding Eſthers reuerend Eſth. 5. 2.ſtanding before him, held out his Scepter vntounto her, which in a King is great courteſie.
But to put the matter out of all queſtion, let the example of Chriſt noted in Salomons ſong be obſerued, and we ſhall finde his courteſie eueryevery way anſwering the reuerence of his Spouſe.
§. 15. Of husbands too great loftineſſe.
Contrary is a loftie carriage of husbands to their wiues, who ouerlooke all reuerence ſhewed by wiues, no more reſpecting their wiues in this caſe, then children or ſeruants: or then Kings doe reſpect the reuerence of their ſubiects.
Oft hauehave I noted that there is a great difference betwixt a wife and all other inferiours, in which reſpect all euidences of reuerence ſhould much better be reſpected; yet we know that Kings and Queenes will put out their hands to be kiſſed by their ſubiects when they kneele before them, which is a token of courteſie: how much more ought husbands to ſhew courteſie? Vnworthy they are to be reuerenced of their wiues, who too Lord-like ouerlooke them.
§. 16. Of husbands *Treat. 3. §. 15.ready yeelding to their wiues humble ſuits.
Againe, it being a token of reuerence in a wife humbly to 2. By granting her humble requeſt.make knowne her deſire to her husband, he ought to ſhew ſo much courteſie as readily to grant her deſire: this courteſie the forenamed aEſt. 5. 3.Ahaſhueroſh afforded to Eſther: b1 King. 1. 28. &c.Dauid to Bathſheba: cGen. 28. 1.Iſaak to Rebekah: d& 16. 6.Abraham to Sarah, and many other husbands to their wiues. e& 21. 10. 11.Abraham ſhewed herein ſuch reſpect to his wife, that though the thing which ſhe deſired were grieuous to him, yet he yeelded to his wife.
Obiect. God firſt commanded him ſo to doe.
Anſw. This addeth the more force vntounto the argument, ſhewing that it is Gods expreſſe will, that an husband ſhould ſhew this kinde of courteſie to his wife. Much more ought a man to doe at his wiues requeſt then at any others, whether friend, childe, or parent: yea much more free, forward and cheerefull ought he to ſhew himſelfe in granting his wiues requeſt then any others: prouided notwithſtanding that her deſire be of that which may lawfully be granted: to yeeld in things vnlawfull is to loſe his authoritie, as was ſhewed *§. 5.before.
§. 17. Of husbands harſhneſſe to their wiues.
Contrary is the harſhneſſe of their diſpoſition who yeeld to their wiues requeſt as an hard-milch-cow letteth downe her milke, not without much adoe: whereby the grace of all their yeelding is taken away. There can be no courteſie in yeelding, when it is againſt their minde and will forced from them: their wiues muſt aske, and intreat againe and againe, yea be forced to vſe the mediation of others to perſwade their huſbands to yeeld to their requeſt before they will yeeld, if at all they yeeld. What is this but to proclaime to all the world that there is no affection in them to their wiues? If a wiues breath be ſtrange to her husband, aſſuredly his heart is firſt ſtrange to her: which is the readie way to make him ſet his heart on ſtrange women.