A Sons Patrimony and Daughters Portion, Part 1 · Chapter 3
CHAP. III.
Ch. 3 ſect. 1 This twofold employment lyeth in the order of nature and right reaſon: But the Lets which hinder this twofold duty, muſt firſt be removed. What theſe lets are, how much they hinder and block up our way to comfort, how we ſhall be prepared and armed againſt them.
THeſe two points, which take up the maine imployment of this ſeed-time, lie in the order of nature and right reaſon aNihil proderit dare praecepta niſi prius amoveris obſtantia praeceptis. Sen. Ep. 95., for we plough up the ground, and pluck up the weeds, before we caſt in the ſeeds; but before I ſhall come to them, I muſt firſt ſet down ſuch lets and hinderances which will croſſe the way very much in the performing this twofold duty.
Theſe lets are (all that I need mention) but two, fondneſſe, and fierceneſſe. They are two extreames, and being ſo, they muſt needs do much hurt; and yet ſo contrary though Nihil in vulgo medium. Tac. 1. ca. 7.they are each to other, and as much croſſing the chil…es good, and the parents comfort, as we need to imagine; yet are they very incident to parents; nay, many times, for ſo experience tels us, one and the ſame Parent is both ſometime too fond, then again too fierce; now all honey, as we ſay, anon all dirt; like ſome, whom I have known; who at one time have been ſo indulgent, that they could ſet the childe in the lappe (but that the childe was aſhamed) and then again ſo eager upon it, that they could trample it under feet.
It is not to be queſtioned but theſe extreames or faults (call them what we will) are to be found in Parents. I ſhall in the firſt place ſeverally and apart make cleare, what lets they are, and how much hindering the good of the childe; and then I ſhall ſet down ſome conſiderations, which may Ch. 3. ſect. 1.fortifie us againſt them; for we may all ſay we are very foreign. i. e. pro ſuo arbitrio non ſemper ſatis juſto. Piſc. Heb. 12. 10. Eſſayes 12. 62.weak this way, ready to dote upon our little image ſometimes, and then as ready to ſtrike it after our own pleaſure, not as reaſon, but as will carrieth us, not alwayes juſt: there being, as one noteth, in humane nature generally more of the fool then of the wiſe.
Touching fondneſſe, 1. How it ariſeth. 2. How it hurteth. 3. How we may be fortified againſt it.
1. The childe hath coſt the Parents deare; they ſee their image in it, and in it they look to live when they are gone; Dimidiata verba. M. Felix.and it makes them pretty ſport beſides. It hath delightfull geſtures, pretty antick poſtures; and the leſſe articulate words it hath (as Minutius phraſeth it) and perhaps, the Gaudemu… ſiquid licentius dixerint, & verbane Alex. &c. & riſ… & oſculo ex cipimus. l. 1. …ap. 2.more unhappy and licentious alſo, as Quintilian ſaith, the more delight and mirth it cauſeth. Whence elſe it comes I know not (but from corrupted nature it is, which too readily idolizeth the creature) that this childe is crept into the mother again, and lies ſo cloſe to the father, that his life is bound up in the childes life; if the childe leave the parent (as now, that it is lapt ſo cloſe it is like to do) the parent will die; ſuch is the ſtrength and impetuouſneſſe of affection, if we give ſcope and rains unto it. Like a childe ſet at liberty, ſo is affection ſet at liberty, it will ſhame us and trouble us both. For this fondneſſe is alwayes accompanied There is no heat of affection but is joyned with ſome idleneſſe of brain. A Spaniſh proverbe. Gravis eſt omnis diſciplina puero. Prud. Antè palatum quam os inſtituimus. Quint. l. 1. c. 2.with a ſtrange indulgence, which is againſt all fitting diſcipline; hereafter will be time enough, in the meane time, it ſhall have any thing elſe, what it will; it is at its own choice, and then we know what it will chuſe, that which will moſt hurt it ſelf in the end: ſo provident the childe is; ever careleſſe of to morrow, prodigall of the preſent. And yet it is commonly left to ſuch a ſelf-pleaſing humour, that it is ſenſible of every reſtraint, ſo that it goes neere to think its girdle and garters to be bonds and ſhackles. Its palate is better inſtructed alſo then its mouth, ſo that it can make better choice of diſhes then of words.
2. And now we may eaſily reade without the book, what hurt this fondnes doth, this ſtrange cockering of children. Ch. 3. ſect. 1.It is a ſtrange expreſſion I ſhall uſe, but the experience of twenty yeers tells me it is true, the devill doth not ſo much hurt (I know he will do as much hurt, as he is ſuffered to do, to the very utmoſt extent of his chain) but ſo much hurt he doth not to poore children, as doth this fond indulgence. It choaks their naturall parts, otherwiſe very good and hopefull, ſo that no more can reaſonably be exſpected Corporis cura mentem obruerunt. Quintil. l. 1. ca. 11.from them, then from a mariſh ground; we know what grows there. It undoes the family, Town and City. A fooliſh pity may we call it? rather a cruell pity; like yvie, it kils and makes barren the tree that it embraceth; or like the ape, it killeth the young, with hugging them; it lets the childe rather ſink under water, then it will hold it up by the haire of the head, for fear of hurting it. Indulgence is the very engine of the Devill, like that I have read of, made See Hiſt. of the world. B. 5. Ch. 4. Sect. 10. p. 532.onelyonly to torment poore creatures with thoſe very Arms which opened towards them, as it were for embracement. The experience of all ages tells us, that this indulgent cockering hath turned many children up the hill or the Cauſ. de cloq. li. 3. ca. 8.hedge, to beggery or worſe. And hence their complaints, the ſame now, as we reade they were in Cyprians dayes, aParentes noſtros ſenſimus parricidas. Illud grave quod in aeternitate jugulahit. Salv. ad eccl. li. 2. ω.Our Fathers and Mothers have proved our murtherers, ſoulmurtherers; worſe then they who murther the body, as Chryſoſt, ſaith uſefully in his 3. book of Monaſtick life, Chap. 4.
3. We have ſeen this ſtrange humour of cockring, what it is, and whence it groweth; what miſchief it cauſeth. Theſe conſiderations following may help and fortifie us againſt ſo deſtroying an evill. The firſt is:
1. Then parents take a ready way to rob themſelves of their children, when they idolize them, and dote upon them.
The heart ſhould be kept as a chaſte Virgin, eſpouſed to one husband. That ſhould lie cloſeſt there, which can ſatisfie; the creature cannot, there is a vanity upon it, no more then aſhes or the Eaſt-winde can ſatisfie the ſtomack: till the ſoul be pointed to God, as the needle to the North Pole, it is ſtill in a ſhaking trembling poſture, much like an inhabitant in Ch. 3. ſect. 1.the Land of Nod; ſtill as the waves of the ſea, in agitation, Gen. 4. 16. foreign. &c. Chryſ. Ibid. Agitatio & vexatio. Trem.toſſed between hope and fear, for being turned from God to the creature, it lies open as a faire mark, for every incomfortable accident to ſtrike it at the heart: for from thence the heart ſhall finde the ſoreſt griefes, where it placed its chiefeſt joy and contentment, being not placed where it ſhould be, in God; that, which we make our God beſides the true one, that will prove our tormentor; the heart and the creature do cloſe together too well, and agree they do as two friends, too inwardly, as if they could fill up and ſatisfie each other; whereas the better agreement there was, and the more compleate riviting of the one with the other, the more falling out and bitterneſſe there will be, when the parting day comes, which we muſt look will be quickly, if we ſet up the gift in our heart, inſtead of the giver; certainly if God loves us, He will hide from us this idoll, which we ſo much dote upon. He feeleth the pulſe of our affection, where it beateth moſt ſtrongly, and to what part the humour is carried moſt fully and eagerly, and there we ſhall certainly bleed; for, He can ſtrike us in the right v…i…e. If a Parent be inordinate in his affection, if his Ioſeph and his heart lie like a bundle cloſe wrapt up together, then it is very likely, that Ioſeph muſt leave his Father; that the Parent may learn to ſacrifice the childe in affection, which is the readieſt way to keep the childe: for commonly it fals out, that the Lord ſna…cheth away that comfort, which we made ſuch ſtore of, locking it up too cloſe.
Peter ſaw the glory of Chriſt in His transfiguration; It is Luk. 9. 33, 34.very obſerveable, that while Peter was ſpeaking of building Tabernacles (for ſome continuance) a cloud over ſhadowed them, and they feared. If God ſhew us that, which doth content and pleaſe us, we would preſently build Tabernacles upon theſe outward comforts: I meane, the heart would ſettle, and ſix upon them, it is ſo good being with theſe comforts; but now, while we are projecting and providing for this continuance, then commonly comes ſome cloud and over-ſhadows this comfort, and ſometimes then, Ch. 3. ſect. 1.when we are but ſpeaking and thinking of it, then the cloud comes, and then follow feares. In the ſtory of Ionah it is read, That the Lord God prepared a Gourd, that it might be a ſhadow over Ionahs head, and deliver him from his griefe. So Chap. 4 Ionah was exceeding glad of the gourd: Exceeding glad; marke that I pray you, and that which follows, But God prepared a Worme the very next morning, and it ſmote the gourd, that it withered. The Lord is graciouſly pleaſed to grant unto us ſome comforts here, whereby to ſweeten our ſorrows, and to refreſh us in our weary pilgrimage; But if we ſhall be exceeding glad of them, being but of the ſame nature and conſtitution as was Ionahs gourd, then look we to it; for then commonly the Lord is preparing a worme, which will quickly ſinite that gourd, ſo that it ſhall wither; and then, which is next to be conſidered,
† 2. We ſhall be troubled as much at the withering of out gourd, as we were joyed before in the having of it, which was Ionahs caſe; exceeding glad of our gourds, exceeding Quicquid mirabere, pones invitus. Hor. epiſt. lib. 1. 10.ſorrowfull and diſconſolate at the ſmiting and withering of the gourds: It ever follows by the rule of proportion bIpſe ut laetitie, ita maeroris immodicus egit. Tacit. Of Nero hury ing his beloved daughter, Auguſta. An. 15. Pſal. 30. 6, 7.. We are apt to thinke that our gourds do caſt a greater ſhadow, then indeed they do or can. And anſwerable is our delight in them, and our ſorrow for them, when they wither. Therefore we ſhould know, what ever our mountaine or gourd is, I meane, our comfort, in what kinde ſoever: it is Gods favour, His influence through it, that gives ſtrength unto it, and us comfort in it. And if He withdraw His favour, and reſtraine His influence (as doubtleſſe He will, if we are too confident of our ſetling, and firme ſtanding thereon, as if we could never be mooved) then trouble follows; and the more our trouble will be, the ſtronger our confidence was, and our contentment in the ſame. It is the greatneſſe of our affections, which cauſeth the ſharpneſſe of our afflictions: They that love too much, will alwaies grieve too much. aThe preſence of a comfort is not more comfortable then will be the abſence thereof grievous.If we ſuffer the childe (that is the creature we are now upon) to ſhoot too farre into our hearts; when the time of ſevering cometh, we part with ſo much of our hearts by that rent. Oh how good is it, and how great a foreign. Naz epiſt. 125.point of wiſedome, to carry the creature, as we do a looſe garment, apart and looſe from the heart, eaſily parted with! That when God calls for it (as He may with more libertie, then we may fetch our childe from nurſe, yet we take libertie there) we may willingly part with it, ſaying; here Lord, thou gaveſt it to me, Thou maiſt fetch it from me; Bleſſed be thy name in taking as in giving. The Heathen gives a Rule and it is of eaſie conſtruction. Love ſo, as thou maiſt hate. Amatanquam oſurus.That is, Love your friend ſo, that if hatred ſhould grow betwixt you, yet no hurt can follow: for you have not ſo unbreſted and opened your ſelf unto him, that he can hurt you. It is a good rule for a Parent; Love thy childe ſo, as one Amatanquam amiſſurus.that is parting with it. That is, love thy childe ſo, that if thou loſeſt it, yet thou doeſt not loſe thy treaſure, nor thy heart; Thou haſt not ſo opened thy ſelf towards it, nor is it laid up ſo cloſe: Then thou canſt be content with thy loſſe; and ſubmit to His mightie hand, That tooke it from thee. He was a wiſe Heathen, and one inſtruction from him comes double to a Chriſtian. I kiſſe my childe to day, and then I think it may M. Aur. An…. Med. lib. 11. 21. 30. p. 148.be dead to morrow. It is ominous, ſome will ſay; No, that remembrance keeps it looſe and apart from the heart, and the ſurer in our poſſeſſion; whereas the common conceits and opinions that our comforts ſhall not be taken from us, nor we moved, are, as one ſaith, the common lamiae or bug beares of the world, the cauſe of our trouble and ſorrow.
That we may not be carried by conceits and opinions; our deſire ſhould be the ſame that Agurs was, That God Prov. 30. Soules conflict, pag. 48.would remove from us vanitie and lyes; That is, from a vain and falſe apprehenſion, pitching upon things, that are vaine and lying, and promiſing that contentment to our ſelves from them, which they cannot yeeld. Confidence in vaine things makes a vaine heart, and fills it with ſorrow; for vexation ever follows vanitie, when vanitie is not apprehended to be where it is. This the ſecond conſideration; The third this.
3. That childe, whom we do inordinately ſet our hearts upon, doth ſeldome or never anſwer our wiſhed for expectations, no not in any meaſure. As the Parent hath widened and opened his heart towards it, in a largeneſſe of expectation and hope; ſo doth that childe commonly, contract, ſtraiten, and cloſe up it ſelf towards the Parent. God doth often ſtrike that childe, of whom we fondly conceive the greateſt hope, with the greateſt barrenneſſe; Cain proves lighter then vanity, and Abel a poſſeſſion.
I have obſerved (and much I have obſerved) when the parent hath careleſly neglected one childe, and, like the ape, hugged and fondly cockered another; I have obſerved too, that the hated childe proved fruitfull, and the fondling barren; and withall, that childe, which the parent did tender moſt, regarded the parent leaſt. God ever ſhortens our account, when we reckon without Him: and as He commonly blaſteth our bold and confident attempts; ſo doth He wither extraordinary hopes in earthly things, That we may open our mouthes wide towards Him, that can fill them. We may note the connexion we finde. Gen. 29. 30, 31. Iacob loved Rachel more then Leah: When the Lord ſaw that, He made Rachel barren. The more love the more barrenneſſe. To make differences betwixt childe and childe is not ſafe, aGen. 37. 3, 4. Accidebat invid… quod mal… pro … Ner… eſſ…. Tacit An. 4. 13.It cauſeth great differences; and to make fondlings of any, is a dangerous preſage; That this fondling is the childe, who will prove as a barren ſoile, like a parched heath, or a ſalt land. I could wiſh that were the worſt; It is commonly much worſe; for, which is the laſt conſideration,
4 It commonly falls out, That the childe we ſo doted up…, prov…s the heavie…t croſſe. That's th… hilde commonly, which, like a backe winde, haſtens the Parent to the pit; making him ſpeake in very bitterneſſe of ſoule: Why dyed it Job 3. 11.not from the wombe? &c. They, whoſe experience is but as yeſterday can tell us; That the bloudy knife (it is Mr. Boultons o…preſſion) of Parents unconſcionable and cruell Direct. p. 19, ….negligence in training up of their children religiouſly, doth ſtick full deepe in their ſouls; Nay, they can tell us more then ſo; even that theſe childrē ſo looſely train'd up, have cut their parents hearts with ſorrow, yea and their throats too, they have ſtuck the knife in their own parents bowels: ſuch bloudie and unnaturall acts might be inſtanced in and urged. I ſhall onelyonly relate three examples, two whereof fell under mine own obſervation; (I could relate two and twentie, ſo ordinary they are, as we in our way finde them) the third example is extraordinary and yeelds a ſad ſtory.
The firſt was the mothers onelyonly childe, therefore her darling, as fondly handled by her, and diſordered, as we need imagine. To ſchoole he came, that he might be out of the dirt. So the rod was ſpared, the mother had her deſire and expectation. The childe proved accordingly, not anſwerable to the mothers hope, but very anſwerable to her manner of breeding. About a yeere after, the childe angred the mother, and the mother ſtruck the childe; he runs to the fire, and up with the fire forke, and at the mother he makes, at leaſt he threatned. The mother haſtens to me, as much diſpleaſed with the childe, as ever before ſhe was pleaſed with it. It was well for the childe, for it made him ſtand in awe, though in no great feare of the mother. More depends on it, but I muſt not ſet it down; we have as much from it, as we need to make uſe of; The mother would not have her childe ſtruck with a rod, to let out his folly; the childe offers to ſtrike the mother with a fire forke. Such was the Retaliation, and ſo juſt.
2. Another there was, and the mother had the ſame humour; and much like was the iſſue at the firſt, but ſince, much worſe, for ſhe would have ſent this ſonne to the remoteſt Ilands; any where, ſo he were on ſhip-board (that would keep him in compaſſe, which a priſon did not) or out of her ſight. But of him no more, for he did not live out halfe his dayes, his intemperance kill'd him; and, they ſay, he dyed penitent. We have enough from this example alſo, whereof to make much uſe, which is this: That childe, the Parent ſo doteth upon; that he would not have it out of his ſight, nor willingly ſuffer the winde to blow on it, is the childe, that will be an eye-ſore, and the hearts griefe, unto whom the Parent is moſt likely to ſay, Stand out of my ſight, thou art a griefe unto me, the greateſt that can be thought of.
3. The third is as followeth, a ſhort relation, but full of bitterneſſe; as I finde it in Auſtin. Sermon 33. Where thus we reade. There was one Cyrillus, a man mightie both in word and work, but a very indulgent father. One ſon he had, and but one, Ad fratres in Eremo.and becauſe but one, he muſt have his will, ke muſt not feele the rod, he muſt not be croſſed. He might have what he would, and do with it what he liſted, he tooke his libertie, and more; More then an inch was given him, he tooke an ell, as Indulgent ſibi latiùs. Iuven.the manner of youth is; that will not ſatisfie, which the Parent allowes, though that may be too much. He might have money, and he might ſpend it how he liſted: Plautus tells us, we may more ſafely put a knife into a childes hand then money; And he that allowes the childe money, leaſt the childe be put to baſe ſhifts, will allow the Parent to ſtint the childe, and to call it to account, where and how it ſpent its allowance. But this childe gave no account either of his purſe or time, he might go forth and return when he pleaſed; ſuch libertie he had, and ſo left to himſelfe. We read on in the ſtory, That he brought his mother to ſhame. Prov. 24 1▪ 5.But thoſe words are too ſhort. We read more then ſo, even that the Divell did rule mightily in that childe of diſobedience, for thus we read. This childe came home drunke, and in the day time; he violently and ſhamefully abuſed his mother great with childe; he killed his father out right, and wounded two ſiſters mortally. Hereupon, ſo it is related, a great aſſembly was called: That all Parents hearing ſo ſad and weeping a Tragedy, might for ever, beware of this looſe and ſottiſh indulgence, which breeds the childes ruine and the Parents woe. Th…ſe are the conſiderations, and becauſe they are of ſuch importance, we will give the ſumme of them, which is this.
5. If our affections be too in ordinately ſet upon any earthly thing, it commonly cauſeth a loſſe of the thing ſo doted upon; if Ioſeph lye to cloſe to the Parent, Ioſeph ſhall be hid from the Parent.
2. Then the ſorrow will be as much in loſing, as the comfort was in poſſeſſing, in an even proportion.
3. Or if the childe be not hid; yet, comfort ſhall be hid; There will be barrenneſſe.
4. And then a croſſe follows, perhaps a curſe. We may make a recognition of what was laſt ſaid, in theſe words.
God provideth ſome Gourdes to refreſh us in our Pilgrimage: we muſt not be exceeding glad of them; That were to ſet up the Gift as an Idoll in the heart, and to ſhut forth the Giver: and if ſo then God prepares a worme, He withers the Gourd; and then that very root, which yeelded ſo much ſweet before, yeelds ſo much ſower after; for as our gladneſſe did exceed, ſo will our trouble be exceeding, when the thing, we tooke ſo much comfort in, is withered. Or if not ſo, then worſe then ſo, for that ſo indulged comfort proves commonly a croſſe; it is the very root of gall and bitterneſſe; the very ſtock, on which commonly the Lord doth graft the ſoreſt miſery, and ſharpeſt ſorrow.
Look we then to our affections, that they be not too exceeding and exorbitant: Remembring ſtill, That affections ſet at liberty, are like children left to themſelves, they will make us aſhamed, and worke our ſorrow. I conclude with Mr. Boltons words; if they be well conſidered, they will be as Banks to turn our affections back, and hold them in, that they do not over-flow their juſt bounds.
Our Righteous and holy God, when He ſees the current of His Direct. p. 216.creatures affections, to be carryed inordinately and prepoſterouſly from the Fountaine of living waters, upon broken ciſterns that can hold none; from the bottomleſſe treaſury of all ſweeteſt beauties, deareſt excellencies, amiable delights, upon painted ſhadows; from the Rock of eternitie, upon a ſtaffe of Reed, I meane, from the Creator, upon the creature; He wiſely and ſeaſonably in the equitie of His juſtice, and out of the jealouſie of His own Glory; Nay, it may be ſaid, in the ſweetneſſe of His mercy alſo, takes away that earthly Idoll, that, the occaſion of ſuch irregular affection removed, He may draw the heart, in which He principally Chap. 3 ſect. 2 takes pleaſure, to his own Glorious ſelfe, the onelyonly load-ſtarre of all ſanctified love, and boundleſſe Ocean of happineſſe and bliſſe.
So much to the firſt extreame, but too little to make it know a meaſure; The Lord teach us here, for to Him we looke, who can reſtore the yeers, that the Locuſts have eaten, Jocl 2. 25.the Canker-worme, and the Catterpillar; So can He alſo, all the harmes and loſſes, which we have cauſed to our children by our extreame folly, or bloudy negligence. Aſſuredly, theſe harmfull Beaſts, that Northern Army, do not ſo much Jocl 3. 20.hurt and prejudice the field, as our indulgence doth our harveſt of hopes, which yet we looke to reape from ours. The Lord pardon our iniquitie, and adde more grace.
The other extreame follows, hurtfull alſo, but not ſo hurtfull.
2 There is a fierceneſſe in our nature, as farre from knowing a meane as the other; for it is another extreame. Whence it ariſeth (for I follow the ſame method as in the other) needs not our enquiry; A fruit of corrupted nature it is, and a diſtemper thereof; and in diſtempers we neither know a meane, nor can diſtinguiſh of perſons. We fling about us in diſtempers, whether childe or ſervant is before us, all are one, while we are in the drunkenneſſe of paſſion. It is not to be doubted, but this diſtemper is to be found in Parents. And we may note, That they, who are moſt indulgent, are, if provoked, as they will ſoone be, moſt ſevere and violent in their correction, as if they had that abſolute and univerſall power over their children, which once the Parent had, and much power yet they have, all the craft is in the wiſe uſing of it. But they doe not uſe it well now in their paſſion, they will miſcall the childe ſtrangely, and ſtrike they know not where, and kick too; I ſet down, what mine own eyes and eares have told me. They do puniſh, perhaps, not Laudabat ſe non ſine cauſa, ſed ſine modo.without cauſe (as was ſaid of one in another caſe) but without all meaſure, as if they were not children but ſlaves. And then (as was ſaid in the other extreame) we may reade without booke, that no good can be done, but much hurt rather, while the Parent is ſo eager upon the childe, it is not then teachable, not counſellable, for, as was ſaid, feare betrayeth all its ſuccours; nor is the Parent in a fit caſe to teach or counſell it: for, what can be expected from a man in a frenſie; Anger is fitly called ſo. A Parent carryed in a paſſion, cannot mingle his corrections with inſtructions, and where that mixture is not, there is no Diſcipline; for that is true Diſcipline, when the childe ſmarts from the hand, and Sim ul ſunt haec duo conjungēda, Argutio & caſtigatio. Inutilis eſt caſtigatio. ubi verba ſilent, & verbera ſaeviunt: unde rectè vocatur caſtigalio, Diſciplina, quâ delinquens unà dolet, & diſcit. Bright on the Revelat. chap. 3. verſ. 19. p. 72. foreign. Not poſſible to put out fire, with fire, Chryſoſt. in Gen. 32. hom. 89.learnes from the tongue. We muſt firſt convince a childe of his fault, and then puniſh the ſame, if the fault deſerve it; Theſe two muſt ever goe together, correction, and inſtruction. Correction is to no purpoſe, where words are ſilent, and ſtripes outragious. Correction, is truly called Diſcipline, becauſe the dilinquent ſmarts and learnes, both together. This then is my concluſion, wherein I ſhall a little enlarge my ſelfe; That roughneſſe and fierceneſſe, doth not help in the rooting out of evill, though there it doth beſt; but much hurt it doth in the planting in of good; there it lets exceedingly. It furthers not in the unrooting of evill, but rather ſets the work back, and roots it more in; That is the firſt thing I ſhall make cleare.
1. Man is a noble creature and lord-like, of a good houſe (as we ſay) though falne into decay. But this remainder or relique, there is yet of his nobleneſſe; you may eaſily lead him, when you cannot drag him; you may perſwade, when you cannot force, and the more force, the leſſe good. Mildneſſe, and Meekneſſe, and ſweetneſſe in carriage, wins much, 1. Voluntas c…gi non vult, doceri expetit. A ſoft tongue breaketh the bone, Prov. 25. verſ. 12. & 15. to be obſerved both.even ſometimes with a crooked diſpoſition, when as roughneſſe hardneth; It is not the way to plucke down a ſtubborn heart, nor to fetch out a lye, though in theſe caſes, a Parent muſt be very active, and if he ſpares his childe, he kills it.
It is a great fault in parents, ſaith one, for fear of taking down of the childs ſpirits, not to take down its pride, and get victory over its affections, whereas a proud unbroken heart raiſeth us more trouble, then all the world beſide. And if it be not taken down betimes, it will be broken to pieces by great troubles in age. I ſhall conſider this evill, and ſome others in fit place; now in this place, I am removing that which hindreth.
The parent is bound to teach the childe how to bear the yoke from its youth. This duty the parent is engaged upon. Lam. 3. 27.But the parent muſt uſe a great deale of diſcretion in the putting on this yoke. The parent muſt not ſtand in a menacing poſture before the childe, as ready to ſtrike as to ſpeak, and giving diſcouraging words too. When we would back our Colt, or break a skittiſh Heifer to the yoke (the compariſon holds well) we do not hold the yoke in one hand, and a whip in the other; but we do before them, as we know the manner is, elſe there would be much ado, in putting on the yoke, and in breaking or backing the Colt; they would be both more wilde and leſſe ſerviceable: It is much ſo with children, if our carriage be not ordered with diſcretion before them, we may make them like thoſe beaſts more unruly, and, perhaps, all alike; or if they learn any thing by ſuch froward handling, it will be frowardneſſe.
When we would work upon a childe, our carriage before it ſhould be quiet, and as ſtill as might be, juſt in the ſame poſture, that a man ſtands in before the live mark, which he would hit; he doth not hoot and hollow when he takes his ayme, for then he would fright away the game by his rudeneſſe; but ſo he ſtands, as we well know the manner, like one who means to hit the mark. Our ayme is the good of the childe, we muſt look well to our deportment before it, elſe we may fright away our game. There are ſome natures (ſaith Clem. Alex.) like yron, hardly flexible, but by the fire, hammer and anvill, that is, as he expounds it, by reproofs, Paed. li. 2. c. 10. pag. 97.threats, blows: and all this may be done, and muſt, if done well, intermes of mildneſſe, and pleaſing accent, with force of reaſon rather then hardneſſe of blows, and if it might be in the ſpirit of meekneſſe; remembring ſtill Mr. Tindals Letter Martyr. pa. 987.words, As lowlineſſe of heart ſhall make you high with God, even ſo meekneſſe of words ſhall make you ſink into the hearts of men.
I have obſerved a childe more inſolent and ſtout under a rigorous and rough hand, but calmed after the heat was over on both ſides, with a milde & gentle perſwaſion, that workt; force and violence hardens, when as a loving and gentle perſwaſion wins upon the heart, thaws and melts the ſame. Harſhneſſe loſeth the heart, and alienates the affections; foreign. Chryſoſt Hom. 26. in 1. Cor. 11.but mildneſſe gaineth all. Proud fleſh (as experience tells us) is taken down by lenitives, the moſt gentle and ſoft applications: So the pride and roughneſſe of our nature is ſubdued by lenitives, and not by another roughneſſe, as the Father ſpeaketh elegantly.
We may note too, the more rigour the childe apprehends, and the more the rod is threatned, which is the onelyonly thing a childe feares, the more the childe will hide it ſelf; like that unwiſe man, who ſtanding at the entry of an unlawfull, but too much frequented place, and finding himſelf eyed by a friend, whom he would not ſhould ſee him there, ſhrunk in his head and in he went. If a man had no more wit, what expect we from a childe? He was aſhamed aNon ſum adeo aetatum imprudens, ut inſtandum teneris protinus acerbè p… tem. &c. Quint. Inſtit. l 1. cap 1.to be ſeen at the doore, he helpt himſelf well to go within the doores, then (as his friend ſaid) he was within indeed, and the further he was, ſo much the more within: ſo a childe will do, he will hide himſelf in the thicket, at leaſt he thinks ſo, further and further, if he apprehend much rigour: there is much wiſedome to be uſed here, and mercy alſo, and great reaſon there is to incline us to both, as we ſhall hear in due place. For the preſent, that which hath been ſaid may aſſure us, that fierceneſſe helps not in the unrooting of evill, it hinders much the implanting of good. There it hurts very much, which is the ſecond.
2. If ever mildneſſe, gentleneſſe, calmneſſe, and ſweetneſſe of carriage do good, and do become; then more eſpecially, when we would winne upon the affection, and ſink into the underſtanding; when we would lodge ſome precepts in the minde, draw the heart and ſet it right. Now while we are inſtructing, handle the childe freely and liberally, in a ſweet and milde way; ſpeak kindly to it we muſt now, and then we may have its heart for ever; if we be rough and harſh now, we fright away our game. The inſtruction which we inforce into the minde by a kinde of violence will not long continue there; but what is inſinuated and fairly induced with delight and pleaſure, will ſtick in the mind the longer. (Trem. Preface before Iob.) If Moſes be to inſtruct, he is commanded to ſpeak, not to ſmite: and it teacheth us, That a ſweet compellation and carriage wins much upon the heart; but we ſuppoſe we are dealing with children. It is a mad behaviour and no better, to ſuffer the hand to move as faſt as the tongue, and to ſtrike at the head too, the ſeat of underſtanding. The head is to our little worla, as man is to the great world, the verie abridgement or epitome of a man: ſpare the head of any place, elſe you may drive out that little, which is, and ſtop the entrace for coming in of more.
The Lord make all teachers underſtand this truth, and pardon our failings herein: and the Lord teach parents alſo, whoſe duty more peculiarly we are upon, to correct and inſtruct their children in all meekneſſe. That we may all learn, I will ſet down ſome conſiderations which may calm the parent, and take off from his haſtineſſe, (when he would unroot evill) a great enemy to that good he ows and doth really intend the childe.
3. I ſuppoſe now ſuch a parent, who hath beene fierce and eager upon the childe, ſtriking, flinging, kicking it, as the uſuall manner is, becauſe of its ſtomack towards the parent, which he will pluck down; and becauſe it ſtands in a lie, which he is reſolved to fetch ont; ſuch a Parent I ſuppoſe (for ſuch there are) and this I would have him conſider, it may make him wiſer againſt the next time. Firſt,
† 1. Who is that, upon whom he hath beſtowed ſo many hard blows both from hand and foot too? (I tell but my own obſervation) who is it he hath uſed ſo diſgracefully with ſuch contumelious words? It is no other, then the image and glory of God. A ſtrong conſideration to cauſe the 1. Cor. 11. 7.parent to carry himſelf comely and reverently before the childe, which he may do, and yet make the childe both to know and keep its diſtance, elſe it cannot know its dutie. A Parent cannot conceive the childs condition to be more Maxima d…betur pueris Reverentia. Iav. Major è longinquo Reverentia. Tacit. foreign; &c. de proſper. & Adver. Hom 5. ω.deplorable then was the Rich-mans in the Parable; yet (ſaith Chryſoſt. and he makes it very uſeful) Abraham called him Sonne; a compellation ſtill be fitting a Father; ſo alſo, words and actions well becoming that ſweet name; Jud. 9. α.and moſt likely to winne upon, and to convince the childe; whereas bitter and vilifying words become not, though we did contend with the Devill. a Kinde words make rough actions plauſible: The bitterneſſe of reprehenſion is anſwered with the pleaſingneſſe of compellations. Sonne, let that be the name; for ſo he is, though never ſo bad. And as a childe hath no greater argument to prevail with a Father, then by that very name of love: ſo, nor hath a parent any ſtronger argument, whereby to prevail with his childe, then by that very name of dutie; whether we reſpect his Father on earth, whoſe childe he is, or in heaven, whoſe image and impreſſe he beares, though now much defaced. This is the firſt.
†. 2. And it is his own image too (that's the ſecond conſideration) his very picture, even that childe, whom, in the rage and rore of his anger, he hath thrown and battered ſo. He is a mad man that will kick and throw about his picture, ſpecially if the picture doth fully and lively ſhew forth his proportion. This childe is the parents picture right, and never ſo fully the parents image as now, that it is in a ſtubborn fit. It is a certain truth, a parent never ſees his own revolting and ſtubborn heart more expreſſed to the life, then he may do in a ſtubborn childe; then he may ſee it, as plainly as face in water anſwers face: this is a weighty conſideration, if it be put home.
A Parent muſt conſider whence had the childe this, who put this in, which the parent would now, in all haſte, fetch out: Sinfull peremptory nature runnes in a bloud, it is foreign, 1. Pet. 1. 18.by tradition, the childe received it of the father. This the Parent muſt not forget, and then his carriage will not be ſuch, as may loſe the childes heart, and alienate his affections; ſuch an effect harſhneſſe and roughneſſe may work, it may make the childe think, that the parent hates his own fleſh aIn …mendando ne accrbus, &c q…idam ſic objurgant quaſi oderint: Quint. 2. 2..
3. Is the childe thus ſtiffe and ſtubborn, thus confirmed in evill? Doth it ſtand againſt all the parents knocks and threats, like a rock, immoveable? Conſider then he muſt, whence was that Rock hewen? The parent is the quarry or pit whence it was taken, and whence it contracted this Tanquam dura ſil…x, aut ſtet. Vi…g.rockineſſe. It cannot be too often conſidered, but it was the former conſideration; the parent muſt conſider this here, and it ſufficeth to calme and quiet him, to take off from his eagerneſſe, that the time was, when the childe was not ſo ſtiffe and ſo tough; it was tender like a twig, ſo as a twig, or the ſight of it would have moved and ſtirred it; but then the parent would not, it was too ſoon; the time was not yet, afterwards would be ſoon enough: Now if it be too late, he muſt thank himſelf; the parent might, but would not; he would now, but cannot bAegrè reprehendas, quod ſinis conſueſcere. Hieron ad Gaudent. de Pacat. l. 2. ep. 16. Difficulter eraditur, quod rudes animi perbiberunt. Ad Laetam. l. 2. ep. 15.. Through the parents fault and connivence it is, that the childe is become as ſtiffe as a ſtake, as unmoveable as a rock. If a parent can thus conſider of himſelf and his childe, his inſtructions will be more then his ſtripes; (ſo they ſhould be alwayes, and then they may ſave that labour & cQuò ſaepiùs monuerit, hoc rarius caſtigabit. Quint. l. 2. c. 2.pain) his teares will fall faſter then his hands; his paſſion will be turned into compaſſion, and his prayers before and after will exceed all, for this peremptory nature is a crookedneſſe, which man cannot make ſtraight. Oh how good and how comely is it for a parent to water his plants (by help of a metaphor I mean his children) not as one did thoſe in his garden, and as too many do thoſe in their houſe with wine, but, in imitation of the Prophet, with teares! I will water thee with my teares, O Hesbon. An Hortenſ. vino irrigavit. Macrob. Iſa. 16. 9.excellent water to make fruitfull, for a childe of many prayers and teares cannot periſh if we may beleeve the Fathers words to Aug. Mother. This may teach us, how to Aug. vita.carry our ſelves in the unrooting of evill. Other conſiderations there are which may inſtruct the parent, when he is implanting good. Parents commonly teach their children the book and the needle, at leaſt the beginnings in both. But they will ſay, They are the unfitteſt of many, for they have not the patience to heare the childe reade three words. So I have heard ſome ſay, and thoſe not of the worſt. The inconvenience here-from is great; therefore to cool their heat, and to arreſt their hands while they are inſtructing, let them take upon truſt theſe conſiderations till they can ſuggeſt better. The firſt is,
1 That the beginning in any kinde of learning ſeemes ſtrange and hard to all, young and old, but ſpecially to young folk; The Father muſt expect to ſee an aukwardneſſe, an unaptneſſe in the childe, at his firſt entrance. The Arcadia tels us (it is a pretty fiction) that a Prince, the better to mask himſelf that he might not be known, took upon him a Shepheards weed, and the Shepheards hook he takes into his hand alſo. The right Shepheard, who will hold his thumbe under his girdle, and, lying along upon the ground, will point you out this way with his legge, this Shepheard indeed, obſerving his inſtrument the hook nothing well managed, came to this Prince, whom he knew not, and gave him ſome directions touching the managing of his hook, but finding his inſtructions did not take, he went away in a fume, telling him, he was the aukwardeſt fellow at the hook that ever he met withall.
A ſhepheards hook was a ſtrange inſtrument in a Princes hand, he could have held a Scepter better, and with better grace, but there muſt be a time to learn the well managing of both. And a little time will not ſerve to learn this (foreign) foreign, Xenoph. l. 8. p. 613. Hom. Il. a De Cyri. Inſtit. l. 1. α.ſhepheard how to feed and govern men; that wilde cattell, the hardeſt to govern of any, ſaith Zenophon too. I remember here what is reported of that Ʋaliant and right noble King of Sweden, of freſh and bleeding memory, He was trained up for Government, being imployed by his Father, as a Secretary to the State, and a Commander in the Wars, when he was but 18. But I recall my ſelf to that I was ſpeaking.
Letters or a needle, to children are ſtranger things, then a Shepheards hook in a Princes hand; they wonder what they are, and what they muſt do with them; play with them they think, and ſo they may, and learn too; an eaſie way of learning, but very expedite. It is a rule of one, and that was an Irritande ad diſcendum infantiae gratia eburneas literarum formas in luſu… offerre, &c. Quint. l. 1. c. 1. Fiant literae vel buxea, vel eburneae, &c. ludat in eis ut & luſus ipſe e…uditi… ſit, & … Hi…r ad L…t…m. l. 2.ancient Teacher, Give children the letters of the Alphabet, fairly drawn or carved in Ivory, or any other ſolid or delectable matter, to play withall, that, by their ſports, thoſe forms might be imprinted in their memories, whereby we expreſſe all the notions of our minde in writing. And ſo Hier. counſelleth alſo.
What ever our cuſtomes are this way (they are none of the beſt) this we are taught by it, That we muſt make things as familiar to children as may be, and that we muſt draw them on with all pleaſingneſſe, I mean, in point of inſtruction. In learning any thing, they ſeem to pull, as it were, at a dead thing: It is a great point of wiſedome, in the Teacher to put ſome life into it, that the childe may ſee it ſtirre, and coming onward, elſe the work may ſeeme ſo hard to them, that they can better beare the ſmart of the Rod, then the labour of the work aSee Aug. de Civit. l. 21. c. 14 Id inprimis cavere oportebit, ne ſtudia amare nondum poteſt, oderit. Quint. 11.; then diſcouragements follow, ſuch as make them hate the book before they know it. A parent muſt be very gentle and patient, ſpecially when he is upon the beginnings of things, for they are hardeſt; it is the firſt conſideration.
2. He muſt conſider, that now the childe is entred, it muſt be taught the ſame thing, again and again, and yet again, for yet it is not learnt; The firſt impreſſions are weak bQuicquid incipit, rude eſt. Nemo non errat, niſi qui ſaepiſſimè non erravit. Rumpat ſaepe ſtamina, …t aliquando non rumpat. Hier. ad Gaud. d… Pacat. ep. 16. lib. 2., the leſſon is not firm, nor will it be kept without continuall repetition; and yet, the parent muſt have patience, a neceſſary virtue and well becoming the Teacher, and as much promoting the learner, whereunto this, I conceive, would be very conducible.
3. Let a Teacher conſider how unapt he findes himſelf to that Science he is newly entred upon: if a Teacher would learn ſomething he knows not whileſt he is teaching the childe, what himſelf knows, he would ſee his own unaptneſſe, and pardon the childes. As put caſe, while I teach the childe Greek, I my ſelf learnt Hebrew. Whileſt the mother Chap. 4 ſect. 1 teacheth her daughter her needle, ſhe puts her hand to the Diſtaffe (which ſhe never did before, though Ladies have and it hath become them. The eſſentials of huſwifery do well; but to the purpoſe.) A man would hardly think, how this would calme a Teacher; We forget quite what we did, and how unapt we were when we were children, learning ſomething now, would make it freſh again; though the difference is much, betwixt a man and a childe; and it muſt be conſidered. What we underſtand fully, we think a childe might underſtand more readily, and hence proceeds more haſtineſſe then is fitting, which ſhews the Teacher to be the verier childe.
4. Laſtly, let the Parent conſider how long he hath been a diſciple, and how little he hath learnt. It may be an Elephant, or ſome imitating creature may be taught more in one monethmonth, then he hath learnt in a whole yeer, in matters moſt neceſſary; this conſideration, if it be put home, would calme him ſure enough. And ſo much for the removing of the Lets.