A Treatise of Family Instruction, Chapter 3 · Section 18
SECT. 18. Our Families muſt be kept from ſtrife, and preſerved in Love and Peace. The way how this may be done.
Direct. 18 CArry your ſelves peaceably, and endeavour to preſerve all the Members of your Family in Love and Peace amongſt themſelves, otherwiſe the Inſtructions that you give them will do them little good. Solomon (who was the wiſeſt of men) tells us, Prov. 11.29. He that troubleth his own Houſe ſhall inherit the Wind: That is, Firſt, All his Labours and Endeavours will be fruitleſs, and come to nothing: Wind is taken oft times for that which is unprofitable and fruitleſs: as, Job 15.2, 3. Eccleſ. 6.16. Iſa. 26.18. Secondly, He ſhall inherit the Wind; that is, he ſhall have an unruly diſordered Family: ſuch as he ſhall not be any way able to govern, or to keep in any good order: Who can rule or keep in order the Wind? John 3.8. The Wind bloweth where it liſteth: Where there is ſtrife and contention, there is confuſion; and inſtead of good, all manner of evil; Jam. 4.16. Where envying and ſtrife is, there is confuſion, and every evil work. The Lord hath promiſed to give his bleſſing, not to ſuch as live at variance, but to thoſe that live in love and peace: Pſal. 133, 1, 3. Behold how good and pleaſant it is for Brethren to live together in unity! — For there the Lord commanded the bleſſing, even life for evermore. The God of Love will dwell with thoſe that live in love and peace; 2 Cor. 13.11. Be of one mind, live in peace, and the God of love and peace ſhall be with you: 1 John 4.16. God is Love, and he that dwelleth in Love, dwelleth in God, and God in him. But ſuch as live in wrath and ſtrife, give place to and ſuffer the Devil to dwell in their hearts, Epheſ. 4.26, 27. Let not the Sun go down upon your wrath, neither give place to the Devil.
If you ask, What ſhould we do to prevent diſcord and contention, and to preſerve love and peace in our Families?
I anſwer:
1. Inſtruct them out of the word of God what a great evil it is to live in ſtrife and variance, that ſo they may fear this as well as other ſins. Hatred, Variance, Emulations, Wrath, Strife, are accounted amongſt the works of the Fleſh, and do as certainly exclude men from the Kingdom of Heaven, as Murder, Adultery, Idolatry, or any other ſins, Gal. 5.19, 20, 21. To ſow diſcord among Brethren, is reckoned up amongſt thoſe ſix things which the Lord hateth, and the ſeven things which are an abomination to him; Prov. 6.16, 19. Diſcord and ſtrife are contrary to Gods Nature, who is a God of Love and Peace, and contrary to the Doctrine of the Goſpel, Rom. 16.17.
2. Adviſe them to take heed of the occaſions and beginnings of ſtrife; and therefore when they feel any motions to ſtrife or wrath, ariſing in their hearts, let them ſtifle thoſe motions, before they break out into action; for wrath and ſtrife are more eaſily kept down, than appeaſed after they are ſtirred up: Prov. 17.14. The beginnings of ſtrife is as when one letteth out water: therefore leave off contention before it be medled with: Prov. 18.19. A Brother offended is harder to be won than a ſtrong City, and their Contentions are like the bars of a Caſtle.
3. Counſel them to be of an humble lowly ſpirit, to think and eſteem better of others than themſelves. This will prevent their contending one with another: Prov. 13.10. Only by pride cometh contention. Prov. 28.25. He that is of a proud heart ſtirreth up ſtrife: Phil. 2.3. Let nothing be done through ſtrife or vain glory: How ſhall we attain to this, to do nothing through ſtrife? The following words will reſolve you; But in lowlineſs of mind let each eſteem other better than themſelves.
4. Exhort them to abſtain from all provoking ſpeeches, Prov. 15.1. Grievous words ſtir up anger; and from all provoking carriages one towards another, as ſcorning each other: Prov. 22.10. Caſt out the ſcorner; and contention ſhall go out, yea ſtrife and reproach ſhall ceaſe. A froward carriage that alſo kindleth ſtrife. Prov. 15.18. A wrathful man ſtirreth up ſtrife, but he that is ſlow to anger appeaſeth ſtrife. Talebearing is another evil that occaſions much diſcord and contention: Prov. 26.20. Where no need is, there the fire goeth out; ſo where there is no Talebearer, the ſtrife ceaſeth. Thoſe perſons that do not learn to bridle their tongues, they will ſet the Famimilies where they live at variance among themſelves, and alſo with other Families, and not Families only, but kingdoms alſo; Jam. 3.6. The tongue is a fire. — A world of iniquity —and ſetteth on fire the courſe of Nature.
5. Teach them to bear one with another, let the ſtronger bear with the weak; and when any ones paſſion is ſtirred, let the other ſeek to appeaſe it by mild ſpeeches and gentle carriage. It is not good to anſwer paſſion with paſſion, that will blow up the fire to a greater flame. But if either the Husband or Wife be angry, or one Servant be angry with his fellow-Servant, the way to aſſwage anger is to ſpeak in a mild gentle manner to the perſon that is provoked; Prov. 15.1. A ſoft anſwer turneth away wrath, but grievous words ſtir up anger: Prov. 25.15. By long forbearing, a Prince is perſwaded, and a ſoft tongue breaketh the bone.
6. Admoniſh them to be of a ſelf-denying yielding ſpirit, and not to be ſtiff, and ſelf-willed, Eccl. 10.4. Yielding pacifieth great offences: By this means Abraham prevented the ſtrife that was like to have been between him and Lot, by receding from his own Right, and yielding to Lot, who was the younger, to make his choice which way be would go with his Flocks and Herds, Gen. 13.8, 9, 10.
7. When any ſtrife or contention doth ariſe, take up the difference that is between one party and another, and endeavour to reconcile each to other, and judge with equity and impartiality between him that doth, and him that ſuffereth the wrong. Thus Moſes, when he ſaw two Iſraelites ſtriving together, endeavoured to bring them to an agreement, Acts 7.26. This is a bleſſed work to make peace, and therefore though it be attended with ſome difficulties, we ſhould endeavour, as much as in us lieth, to make peace between ſuch as are at variance one with another, Matth. 5.9. Bleſſed are the Peace-makers, for they ſhall be called the Children of God.