Serious Reflections on Time and Eternity, Tract · Chapter 26
XXVI. Confeſſion of Sin, Humiliation, and Repentance muſt follow upon Self-Examination. Advice concerning Repentance of ſome particular Backſliding. The great Perplexity and Diſtreſs of a Penitent Sinner repreſented, as a Caution againſt returning to Folly.
THat we may turn unto the Lord, is the end of ſearching and trying our Ways. Lord! I have been ſearching my Heart, and conſidering my ways, but can find little or no good; neither can I diſcover all that is evil in both. But I find enough to make my own Heart condemn me, and Thou, who art greater than my Heart, and knoweſt all things, maiſt much more condemn me. I am altogether unclean, polluted, and abominable.
If I go about to enumerate the Sins of my Thoughts, Words, and Actions, in all the periods of my Life hitherto; if I conſider my Omiſſions of Duty, and dayly Crimes by actual Commiſſion; if I reflect upon my Sins according to their reſpective Object, as either againſt Thee, O God, and againſt my Neighbour, and againſt my own Soul or Body; and compare my Heart and Life with thy ſtrict and holy Law, and think in how many Inſtances I have tranſgreſt every of thy Righteous Commandments: I find they are more than the hairs on my head, they cannot be number'd. Who can tell how oft he hath offended? Many of my ſins make little Impreſſion on my Memory, (I obſerve them not, I remember them not): but this hinders not, but they may make deep Impreſſion on my Conſcience, which will one day be awake, and ſet them in order before me; and they are all written in thy Book of Remembrance, in order to my final Judgment. All my ſins are before thee: but thou requireſt my humble Confeſſion of them, in order to Repentance; and as a part thereof, that I freely acknowledg their hainous aggravations to ſhame, and humble my ſelf the more before thee, whom I have offended and provok'd.
How long did I ſerve divers Luſts and Pleaſures, with the neglect and forgetfulneſs of God? How ſad a proſpect may I take of the far greateſt part of my Life paſt? Eſpecially of my younger years, which have been trifl'd away in vanity and folly? And ſince I have known the way of Truth, how ſhamefully have I prevaricated with God? I am confounded to conſider, how often I have deſpiſed the Commandment, and rebelled againſt the Light; againſt the Principles of Education, and the checks of Conſcience, frequent warnings from God, and reproofs from Others; contrary to my Profeſſion, and Experience, contrary to the obligation of peculiar Mercies, ſolemn Promiſes, Reſolutions, and Engagements, and a nearer Relation to God than many others; Which ſins have more diſhonor'd my Lord, diſcredited his H. Goſpel, gratifi'd the Devil ſcandaliz'd the world, and ſtrengthen'd the hands of the ungodly, than the ſins of others. And alas! How much of my precious Time is thus gone, which if duely improv'd, would now afford me comfort to review.
How much Guilt have I contracted every Year, particularly in this laſt? I now begin another, which will ſoon be gone as that which was concluded yeſterday. And ſhall I only advance in Age, to increaſe the number of my ſins, and heighten my Account againſt the Day of Reckoning? In Temporal and Civil Affairs Day unto Day uttereth knowledg, ond Night unto Night teacheth Wiſdom. We are Taught by Experience many uſeful Leſſons which we ſhould not elſe have learnt; to reform many Errors and miſtakes, to correct many raſh and fooliſh Actions and Speeches, &c. And ſhall I not learn wiſdom by the Experience of another year, in what concerns my greateſt, my Eternal Intereſt? Shall not the reflection on my paſt ſins prevent my Commiſſion of the like? Eſpecially conſidering how my ſins are aggravated by every Mercy I have received; by every Affliction I have undergone; every awakening Sermon I have heard; every motion of God's Spirit, and every check of my own Conſcience that I have reſiſted; every offer of his Grace; every warning of his Providence; every invitation and call of his Word; every purpoſe to Repent, and every reſolution I have made to forſake ſin: The greater knowledg I have had of my danger, the longer time I have deliberated about it; the oftner I have confeſs'd my ſin, and been ſorry for it; every reproof I have had from others, and every promiſe I have made my ſelf, doth aggravate and encreaſe my Guilt.
How many Years hath God vouchſafed me to work out my Salvation? but how little have I done towards it? Had I died this laſt year, how unprepar'd muſt I have made my Appearance before his Tribunal? What opportunities of doing and receiving good have I let ſlip? Have I not made it more my buſineſs to ſeem Religious, than really to be ſo? How much of the Patience of God have I abus'd? refuſing his calls to Repentance, reſiſting the ſtrivings of his Spirit, ſmothering my Convictions, and turning the Grace of God into wantonneſs? Inſtead of returning gratitude for all his Love, I have repeated my Tranſgreſſions after Forgiveneſs: and gone in a circle of Repenting and Sinning, even to this day. Lord, I am aſham'd, and lay my ſelf in the duſt before thee. To me belongs nothing but ſhame and confuſion of Face. If God ſhould condemn and puniſh me as a Rebel, and a Traytor, and give me the Portion of Hypocrites, I cannot but own his Juſtice; even in Hell I muſt do it, with my flaming Tongue and Breath.
O Spare me for thy mercies ſake! Enter not into Judgment with thy ſervant, for in thy ſight ſhall no fleſh living be juſtified: if Thou lay Judgment to the Line, and Equity to the Plummet. Give me Repentance unto life, never to be repented of, never to be retracted again. Bring me to the Blood of Jeſus, which cleanſeth from all ſin. Behold the ſighings of a contrite Spirit: For I acknowledg my Tranſgreſſions unto thee, againſt whom I have ſinned: O Lord, forgive the Iniquity of my Sin. I am unworthy to lift up my Hands and Eyes towards Heaven, unworthy to be called thy Son, or thy Servant: I am vile in mine own eyes, becauſe I have made my ſelf vile in thine. For this I am troubled, and mourn, and my Soul is grieved within me.
O thou Heavenly Phyſician of Souls! from thy Pity alone I expect my cure. I am miſerable and undone without thy Compaſſion; and expect no relief but from the Treaſure of thy Grace. I muſt periſh, and ſink under the burden of Sin, if thy merciful hand do not ſave me, and lift me up. I am intangled and inſnar'd by the Devil and my Luſts, and without thy Succour can never hope to get free. O Lord forgive my Sin, and heal my Soul: Deliver and ſave me for thy Mercies ſake.
May I not yet hope in thy Mercy? Thou haſt mercifully born with me hitherto: thou calleſt me to repent; thou commandeſt me to return, and promiſeſt to forgive thoſe Sins which are confeſſed and forſaken: O do not caſt me out of thy Sight and Preſence, now I deſire from the bottom of my Heart to return to thee! I abhor my ſelf in duſt and aſhes, for my paſt Iniquities. But alas! ſuch is the hardneſs of my Impenitent Heart, that I am even aſham'd of my humbleſt Repentance: how much more may God deſpiſe and reject it? But haſt thou not given thy Bleſſed Son to dye for Sinners? and exalted him to this very end, to be a Prince and a Saviour, to give Repentance, and Remiſſion of Sins? And by the word of thy Grace, thou beſeecheſt all, (even the Greateſt Sinners) to accept of mercy; and art more willing to pardon, than we can be to Repent. 'Tis thy Delight and Glory, agreeable to thy Nature, and declared Name, as a God gracious, and merciful, ſlow to Anger; and of great Kindneſs, forgiving Iniquity, Tranſgreſſion, and Sin. O Pardon mine Iniquity for it is great; and receive an humble Penitent, who implores thy Grace, according to the Tenor of thy new Covenant, flying to the arms of thy Mercy, through the merits of Jeſus Chriſt, who is able to ſave to the uttermoſt all that come unto God by him.
Lord, hear my Prayer, and let not the mixture of my weakneſſes and unworthineſs turn it into Sin: but graciouſly vouchſafe to look upon a returning Prodigal; and cauſe me to hear the voice of Joy and Gladneſs, that my ſorrowful Heart may be comforted, and my life be directed to thy Praiſe. Lead me into the path of life, that I may no longer err from the way of thy Commandments: Teach me to do thy Will, O God, and write thy Law upon my Heart, that I may never more return to Folly. I am convinc't of the Evil of Sin, of thy Right to govern me, of the Equity and Juſtice of thy Law, of the ſweetneſs and rewards of keeping thy precepts: O ſanctifie my Heart, and make me Sound in thy Statutes, that I may hate every falſe way, and be devoted to thy Fear, the remainder of my Life.
If there be any particular Luſt, or Wickedneſs, which through the power of Temtation, and the deceitfulneſs of Sin you have fallen into; that hath waſted Conſcience, and rob'd you of your Peace, and provok't God to write bitter things againſt you; be ſure to humble your ſelf without delay in an eſpecial manner for that Backſliding: Confeſs it freely, with its aggravations. Conſider whether it was not after ſome ſpecial manifeſtation of God's Love, after ſome ſpecial warning, ſome ſtrong Conviction, under or ſoon after ſome great Affliction from God, or ſome more than ordinary kindneſs of his Providence, &c. And impreſs ſuch Thoughts, to humble your ſelf the lower, ſearch into the grounds and cauſes of ſuch Apoſtacy, ſuch as the abatement of your Watchfulneſs, the neglect of ſerious cloſet Devotion, making bold with Temptation, too great compliance with vain Company, venturing too far in lawful or indifferent Things, toò much Confidence in your own Wiſdom, Strength, and ſtedfaſtneſs, not fearing ſufficiently the Approaches and Beginnings of Sin, or avoiding the fuel, incentives, and occaſions of it, &c. Palliate and diſguiſe nothing, that may make your ſin exceeding ſinful, leſt by ſome little Art of the Devil, you deceive your ſelf by an half-Repentance; and the Evil Spirit, you think to be caſt out, return again with ſeven worſe than himſelf, and ſo your latter end be worſe than your Beginning. For if the ſin be not truly hated, but only cover'd over with penitential Aſhes, it will quickly flame out again, when it meets with combuſtible matter, and a ſtrong blaſt of Temptation.
But if you are griev'd to the very Heart, and abhor the Sin, and reſolve to quit it, you need not doubt of God's readineſs to receive you to Mercy. His Spirit is yet ſtriving with you, if you are willing to Repent, and return to God. He ſought you, and call'd you to return, when you were wandring as a loſt ſheep in the broad way; and can you think, he will not be found of you, if you ſeek him with your whole Heart? Therefore renew your Repentance, and beg more earneſtly a Spirit of Humility, Holy Fear, and Watchfulneſs: And every morning implore Divine ſuccours againſt that Sin, and all Temptations to it. (Which, as much as poſſible, you muſt avoid.) Conſtant and fervent Prayer, after Repentance, muſt be your refuge, and your Remedy. If you let fall your hands, this Amalek will prevail again: As ſoon and as far as you fail in the conſtancy, and fervency of that Duty, your Sin will get ſtrength, and ſucceſsfully attempt you another Time. But by this practiſe, God may turn Evil to work for Good, make you gain by your loſs, ſtand the faſter by your Falls, and become ſtronger by the diſcovery of your weakneſs, and ſo be better eſtabliſht for the future.
But take heed that you pervert not the Grace of God, and encourage your ſelf to ſin again by the ſuppoſition, that if you ſhould Fall, 'tis but to Repent, and renew your Reſolutions, and all will be well. This is a ſubtle Artifice of Satan, but ſuch methinks, as ſhould take with none, who have ever known by Experience, what it is to Repent. Who have felt the burden of Sin to be heavier than a Millſtone; than Luke 23. c. 30. 17. c. 2.the weight of a Mountain. Who have taſted, how evil and bitter a thing it is, to depart from God. Who have loathed and abhorr'd themſelves, with deep Remorſe, and Sorrow, and Anguiſh of Spirit: wiſhing with all their Hearts, that they had not ſinn'd; and if it were in their power would give all the world to retrieve it; and would rather dye than commit that Folly again, they then repented of. Let thoſe who have not their own Experience to confirm this, read over (and conſider the caſe of David, when he wrote) the Penitential Pſalms. How many like him have roar'd and cried out under the ſenſe of ſin, of ſtings and furies in their Conſcience, of the poiſon'd Arrows in their Souls, and his Terrors ſurrounding them whereever they went: from the ſenſe of ſins Malignity, the apprehenſions of God's Anger, and the conſequent Fears of his Wrath. Serious Repentance after great Tranſgreſſions is another Thing than moſt imagine it. When their aggravated Sins ſhall beſet them behind, and before, be placed in order before their eyes, and ſet in array againſt them. 'Tis always a work of Difficulty as well as Importance, to crucifie corrupt affections, to tear a beloved Luſt from the Heart, with ſelf-indignation to abhor and caſt away what before you lov'd and delighted in. How did David's Sin ſtare him in the Face? it is continually with me, it is ever before me, ſaith He. It haunted him like a Spectre, or like Belſhazzar's handwriting on the wall, it ſtill appear'd before him in ſome horrid ſhape.
However Sin may ſmile in its firſt addreſs, and beſpeak us in flattering language, and promiſe Pleaſure, and Profit, and great Advantages and Satisfaction; theſe are but fair Appearances; This is but the outſide of the Cup, and the colour of the Liquor: it will prove Gall and Wormwood, and a mixture of deadly Poiſon, if ever God ſet it home upon the Conſcience, and awaken us to a true ſenſe of it. And the Continuance of dayly Repentance for Sin, which all Chriſtians are called to, is no ſuch eaſy matter neither. Conſtant ſelf-abaſement and Humiliation before God, from a ſenſe of his Majeſty and Holineſs, and of our many Sins, and pollution thereby: The imperfection of our beſt duties continually to be bewailed; inordinate affections to be ſtill mortified; always reſiſting and oppoſing Sin, in its Root and and Branches; conflicting againſt the whole Intereſt of the Fleſh, the World, and the Devil; ſeeking after more Holineſs; to be deriv'd unto us by the Grace of Chriſt, to be wrought in us by his Spirit, and maintain'd by his Power; and making dayly applications to the Fountain of all Grace, for ſpiritual ſtrength, to continue our warfare againſt Sin, in all Inſtances of outward duty, and inward Actings of Grace, even as long as we live; all this is included in it. Due Apprehenſions concerning Repentance, as ſo comprehenſive and difficult a Duty, would teach us to beware of Sin.