Letters in Two Parts, Part 1 · LETTER 122
To ALEXANDER GORDON, Of Earlestown. (122)
Much honoured & worthy Sir.
GRace, Mercy & peace be unto you: I long to hear from you: I received few letters since I came hither: I am in need of a word: A dry plant would have some watering: My case betwixt Christ my Lord & me standeth between love & jealousie, faith & suspicion of his love: It is a marvel he keepeth house with me: I make many pleas with Christ, but he maketh as many agreements with me: I think his unchangeable love hath said, I defie thee to break me & change me: If Christ had such changeable & new thoughts of my salvation as I have of it, I think I should then be at a sad loss: He humoureth not a fool like me in my unbelief, but rebuketh me & …athereth kindness upon me: Christ is rather like the poor friend & needy prisoner [begging love] then I am: I cannot for shame get Christ said Nay of my whole love; for he will not want his errand for the seeking: God be thanked my bridegroom tireth not of wooing: Honour to him he is a wilfull suiter of my soul: But as love is his, pain is mine that I have nothing to give him: His count-book is full of my debts of mercy, kindness & free love towards me: Oh that I might read with watery eyes! O that he would give me the interest of interest to pay back! Or rather my soul's desire is, that he would comprize my person, soul & body, love, joy, [confidence, fear, sorrow & desire, & drive the Puynd, & let me be rouped, & sold to Christ, & taken home to my creditor's house & his fire-side. The Lord knoweth, if I could, I would sell my self without reversion to Christ. O sweet Lord Jesus make a market, & over-bid all my buyers! I dare swear there is a Mystery in Christ which I never saw: A mystery of love. O if he would lay by the lap of the covering that is over it, & let my griening soul see it! I would break the door & be in upon him, to get an wombfull of love; for I am an hungered & …amished soul. Oh Sir, if ye or any other would tell him, how sick my soul is, dying for want of a hearty draught of Christ's love. Oh if I could dote [if I may make use of that word in this case] as much upon himself as I doe upon his love: It is a pity that Christ himself, should not rather be my heart's choice then Christ's manifested love: It would satisfie me in some measure, if I had any bud to give for his love; shall I offer him my praises? Alas he is more then praises! I give it over to get him exalted according to his worth, which is above what can be known; yet all this time I am tēpting him to see if there be both love & anger in him against me. I am plucked from his flock [dear to me] & from feeding his lambs: I goe therefore in sackcloth as one who hath lost the wife of his youth: Grief & sorrow are suspicious & spue out against him the smoke of jealousies, & I say often, Shew me wherefore thou contendest with me? Tell me Lord, read the process against me: but I know I cannot answer his alleagance: I will lose the cause when it cometh to open pleading. Oh if I could force my heart to beleeve dreams to be dreams! Yet when Christ giveth my fears the lye & saith to me thou art a lyar, then I am glad. I resolve to hope to be quiet & to lie on the brink upon my side, till the water fall & the foord be ridable, & howbeit there be pain upon me in longing for deliverance, that I may speak of him in the great congregation; yet I think there is joy in that pain & on waiting: & I even rejoyce that he putteth me off for a time & shifteth me: Oh if I could waite on for all eternity, howbeit I should never get my soul's desire, sobeing he were glorified! I would wish my pain & my ministery could live long to serve him, for I know I am a clay vessel & made for his use. O if my very broken sheards could serve to glorifie him! I desire Christ's grace to be willingly content, that my hell [excepting his hatred & displeasure, which I put out of all play [for submission to this is not called for] were a preaching of his glory to men and Angels for ever & ever! When all is done what can I adde to him? or what can such a clay-shadow as I doe? I know he needeth not me: I have cause to be grieved and to melt away in tears [if I had grace to doe it, Lord grant it to me] to see my welbeloved's fair face spitted upon by dogs, to see lowns pulling the crown off my royall King's head, to see my harlot-mother & my sweet father agree so ill, that they are going to skail and give up house: My Lord's palace is now a nest of unclean birds. Oh if harlot, harlot Scotland would rue upon her provoked Lord; & pity her good husband, who is broken with her whorish heart! But these things are hid from her eyes. I have heard of late of your new trial by the Bishop of Galloway: Fear not clay & worm's meat: Let Truth & Christ get no wrong in your hand: it is your gain, if Christ be glorified, & your glory to be Christ's witness: I perswade you, your sufferings are Christ's advantage & victory; for he is pleased to reckon them so. Let me hear from you: Christ is but winning a clean Kirk out of the fire: He will win this play: He will not be in your common for any charges ye are at in his service: He is not poor to sit in your debt: He will repay an hundred fold more, it may be even in this life. The prayers & blessing of Christ's prisoner be with you.
Aberd. 1637. Your Brother in his sweet Lord. Iesus, S. R.