Treatise of Moral and Intellectual Virtues, Treatise on ethics · Part 7
Of the Three Converſable VIRTUES, Comitas, Veritas, Urbanitas. Firſt,
Of COMITY, or AFFABILITY.
THE Virtues which adorn and recommend a Man in Converſation, and are therefore called by Ariſtotle foreign, are eſpecially Three, Comity, Veracity, Ʋrbanity: For Man by Nature is a Civil Creature and Sociable: And the practice of Virtue conſiſts in living ſutably to the Dictates of Reaſon and Nature;Man is by Nature a ſociable Creature. and this is the ſubſtance and main Deſign of all the Laws of Religion, to oblige mankind to behave themſelves in all their actions, as becometh Civil and Sociable Creatures: For God did at firſt make them ſo, otherwiſe they muſt have lived and died like Gladiators, and have unavoidably periſhed at one time or another by their own Swords; otherwiſe the Well-being of the World muſt be entirely attributed to the Wit of Man, and not to the Providence of God, if ſo be He had ſent his Creatures into it in ſuch a Condition, as ſhould oblige them to ſeek their own ruin and deſtruction: whereas all men have by the Divine Appointment a common Right and Title to Happineſs, which cannot be obtained without Society, nor Society ſubſiſt without mutual Aids of Love and Friendſhip: That therefore, which makes men acceptable and inoffenſive, in nothing troubleſom, and welcome to one another, is ſuch a quality, as doth ariſe from the conſtitution of Human Nature, and was intended for the common good of mankind; who without it would live poor and ſolitary, like Bats and Owls, or like Vermine, by robbing and filching from one another. One of theſe Qualities is that, which Ariſtotle for want of a better word calls foreign, and we define it to be a Virtue, which holds the middle place between Flattery and Moroſeneſs.
A Flatterer is one that commends every thing you do, whether it be good or bad; He is a fawning Sycophant, that will embrace and commend a Man at that time, in which He really hates him: A moroſe and ſour Perſon is one, who hardly approves any thing, but is blunt in his Expreſſions, and ſullen in his humour towards all mankind: He, who can carry himſelf evenly between theſe two Extremes; as that He can praiſe without ſuch Flattery, as calls a man Fool or Knave by Signs over his Shoulder, whilſt He hath him in his Arms, and can diſcommend, what is indeed to be miſliked without detraction or Satyre, He is the Man, whom we ſeek for.
FOR we are to eſteem Virtue, not as the People do men, only by the marks and Value Fortune has ſet upon them, never conſidering intrinſick Worth; Whereas the King's Stamp makes not the Mettal either better or heavier:The Virtue affability gives a grace to all our Actions. But the good Quality we now talk of is called by Dionyſius, Halicarnaſſeus, foreign, a Virtue, which gives grace a and luſtre to all our Actions, and the ſame judicious Author laments the want of it in M. Cariolanus, a Man otherwiſe of very Eminent Qualifications; But his being without this one Faculty expell'd him the City of Rome, made all his other Virtues unprofitable, and did caſt a Cloud upon the reſt of his Glories: For He thought, not to do wrong, was too mean a piece of goodneſs, to be accounted a Virtue; This foreign, Gentleneſs and Lovelineſs was a ſtranger to all his Actions, otherwiſe moſt Honourable; Whereas no Courteſie, no Affability in a man of great Accompliſhments, is as unnatural and undecent, as no Ceremony in Religion.
IN the whole courſe of our Lives no Virtue is of greater uſe, none deſerves more regard, than this eſpecially in common Converſation; wherein the occaſions of commending and reproving do often occur, and this Virtue teacheth us how to commend without Flattery and to reprove without Bitterneſs: Indeed to praiſe men in their own preſence is very ſeldom neceſſary; they can do it faſt enough of themſelves, and many can ſcarce forbear doing it, tho it be nauſeous to the Company, with whom they Converſe:Flattery is an odious thing. The leſs need therefore ſhall we have to ſpeak much of that, which we are like to have ſo litle uſe of; which wiſe and modeſt Men delight ſo little in: And what can be more irkſom, than to hear a Man flatter every thing, and every body alike! What more ridiculous, and ſhameful, than to ſee men bowing low, and hugging each other, whilſt they can hardly hold their ſolemn falſe Countenances! How grievous is it to behold men as ſhye of Plain-dealing, as a Cheat is of fair Play; they think, they ſhall never thrive, unleſs they practice all manner of plauſible Arts to compaſs their Deſigns; For let us obſerve at any time, what People do, when they meet together upon the Exchange or at the Court, they ſeem to put together many good Words to deceive or to ſignifie nothing.
Reproof is often neceſſary.WE muſt confeſs, occaſions of Reproof do often offer themſelves, and though they are neglected many times through a clowniſh Fear, or too much Reverence, which we have of our Company; yet Ways ought to be both ſtudied and found out, by which we may diſcharge as inoffenſively as we can, this very neceſſary Duty; And what better Example can we follow, than Latimer the Biſhop of Worceſter, who preſented King Henry VIII. with a New-years-Gift, and it was in a Box ſhut cloſe; the King breaking it up, found in a fair Handkerchief theſe words wrote in letters of Gold; Fornicatores & Adulteros judicabit Deus: a Fault this Prince was too guilty of, and He thanked the honeſt Biſhop for his Civility, in correcting him after ſo gentile a manner. But moſt men are to be blamed in this matter; For ſic objurgant quaſi oderint; they put no difference between Reproving and Upbraiding; Whereas Reproof ought to be adminiſtred like Phyſick; or as we are wont to deal with Children, when a Potion is given 'em to drink, we anoint the Cup with ſome pleaſant and palatable thing, to make the bitter draught go down: And St. Chryſoſtom diſcourſing of a ſick Perſon, who longed much for Wine, which was bad for his Diſtemper, Reports, that his Phyſitian uſed this Art to deceive him; He took a new Earthen Cup, heated it thorowly in the Fire, then he quench'd it in ſuch fragrant Wine, as the Patient deſired; Having done ſo, he fills it with Water and preſents it to the ſick Man; who ſmelling the fragrancy of the Cup, ere he was aware drank up the Water, and ſo eſcaped the Danger, which had enſued upon his drinking the Wine.
SUCH commendable Arts we muſt apply our ſelves to, when we adminiſter the bitter but neceſſary potion of reproof; as that Chirurgeon, who being to lay open a very corrupt Ulcer, and ſeeing his Patient afraid, hides his Launcet in a Spunge, wherewith, whilſt he gently touches and ſeems to foment the Sore, he unexpectedly Launces it, and ſaves his Patient.
Great care muſt be had, with whom we converſe.THIS Virtue, whoſe character we are now giving, will teach us a thouſand ſuch ways to deal with Mankind; in the uſe whereof, the thing mainly to be conſider'd is this, that we be eſpecially careful of what Perſons, we converſe withal; which are of Three ſorts, either our Betters, or our Equals, or our Inferiours.
IN Converſing with our Betters, we muſt beware of Sawcineſs, or of uſing our advantage if we have any; For it is a true Proverb, He that eats Pears with his Betters, muſt take heed how he chooſe the beſt. Rigomez de Selva, a great Courtier under Charles the 5th, being one Night at Cards with his Maſter, the Emperour likeing his Game, Swore, that Bout ſhould be his; the Courtier not willing to croſs him, notwithſtanding he had much the better hand, threw up his Cards and yielded: Some of the ſtanders by, perceiving this, ſmiled; which the Emperour taking notice of would needs know the cauſe without any excuſe; and being inform'd, what Rigomez had done rather than he would diſpleaſe him, took it well for the preſent, and afterwards gave him a juſt reward: So welcome are theſe Civilities to Perſons of the higheſt Quality and Honor.
Secondly, OUR behaviour amongſt our equals muſt be without all Imperiouſneſs; for Inſolence and Statelineſs are no ſigns of a well bred Man, but the Scandals of Converſation; and it being better to give too much Honor to any Perſon than too little; therefore it is better to carry our ſelves as inferiours to our equals, and equal to ſuch, as are not much our inferiours.
Thirdly, WE muſt ſo Converſe with our inferiours, as never to do any thing that may look like ſcorn; becauſe Man by Nature is moſt impatient of Contempt:Man naturally is muſt impatient of c…ntempt. For a Perſon of Note and Birth in Rome Sueing once for the Conſulſhip, took one of the Plebeians by the Hand, and finding it ſomewhat hardened by the reaſon of his daily labour, asked him merrily, whether he were uſed to go upon his Hands: The Man taking this for a Scoff and a Deriſion of him, complained to his Aſſociates, and did ſo far prevail, that the Patrician loſt the Conſulſhip for his unſeaſonable jeſt.
TO conclude, in our behaviour with all kind of Perſons, we muſt cut off thoſe Angles, and ſmooth all that roughneſs, which may give offence; and be cautious, that we fall not upon either of the extremes, baſe Submiſſion, or Surlineſs; for theſe are the Two Rocks, between which we muſt ſteer our Courſe, if we would adorn the Doctrine of Chriſt with a blameleſs Converſation. If we would keep up Friendſhip with our Brethren, which Friendſhip bears upon it a Character of the Divine Nature; becauſe it is ever doing good to Mankind,Affability without Friendſhip is nothing worth. and without which Affability is only Talk, but a tinkling Cymball: Nay without it the whole World is but a Wilderneſs, and Men are the Savage Beaſts in that Deſart: Now our Paſſions of all Kinds are moſt apt to ſwell and affect our Hearts; to eaſe and bring down theſe Swellings, is the principal Fruit of Friendſhip, which at the ſame time chears our Spirits, and quickens them alſo in Wiſdom and Virtue; it doubles Men's joys, and cuts their griefs into halfes; upon this account our moſt ſerious Religion commands us to be chearful and friendly, that we may be good company for our Neighbours; for hereby our words are made more gracious and acceptable, our conceits more quick and pleaſant, our countenances more ſmooth and obliging: A Temper thus Framed, may ſupport the Burden of Life very contentedly; which is not unfitly compar'd to a Journey; to perform it all alone is ſo uncomfortable, that we ſhould grow weary, as ſoon as we begin it, unleſs we were joined in friendſhip with our Fellow-Travellers, who will make it ſeem leſs tedious and burdenſome: What a comfort is this to humane Life! to walk with ſuch Companions, as ſhall aſſwage our cares with their wholſom Diſcourſes, diſpatch our Counſels with their ſage Opinions, and diſſipate our ſorrows with their innocent Mirth: Therefore Solomon hath told us, that two are better, than one; 1. In the Caſe of inward Weakneſs, if one fall, the other will lift up his Friend; 2. In the Caſe of Dulneſs, if one be cold and heavy, the other may communicate ſome heat to him; 3. In the Caſe of Worldly Troubles and violent Enemies, that may prevail againſt one, yet two, he ſaith, ſhall withſtand them: So in all private Caſes, the calling a Man's ſelf to a ſtrict account, is a Medicine ſometime too corroſive and ſharp; the reading Books of Morality is often very flat and dead; and the obſerving our faults in others, is frequently unproper for our caſe; but the beſt Receipt, both for the amending our Manners, and the managing our Buſineſs, is the Admonition of a Friend; eſpecially when he is one of real worth, having a Mind furniſhed with treaſures of divine Wiſdom, and a Heart full of the Love of God: For the Hope neither of gain, nor pleaſure, nor youthful affection, but the Love of Wiſdom, Goodneſs, and Sobriety muſt knit us together; we muſt be united by the admiration and eſteem of the ſame things; for ſince the Study of Virtue is not ſubject to thoſe changes of Fortune, that other things undergo, the benevolence of virtuous Men muſt needs be perpetual, and is not in danger to ſuffer that decay, which is wont to be the Fate of vulgar Friendſhip.