Self Employment in Secret, Part 2
THE WORKINGS OF MY HEART IN MY AFFLICTION. Aug. the 5th. 1680.
THe Will of God in laying this affliction upon me, I unfeignedly approve as Holy, Just, and Good; And I am unfeignedly willing to bear the Affliction, as it is an Evil laid upon me by his Will, till the time come, in which he thinks fit to remove it. I watch and pray and strive that I may not give way to a repining thought against his holy Hand. In this point thē Spirit is willing, but the Flesh is weak. My mind doth really consent to Gods dispensation and to my submission, and being most agreeable to his wise and gracious Government, and most conducing to my Salvation. But my sensitive part, and my mind also as it is in part unrenewed, weak and sinful doth greatly reluctate, so that I am put hard to it, and I must say, I am willing, Lord help my unwillingness. I have not observed in the several dayes that a thought of direct or positive discontentment or vexatious commotion of mind hath been admitted by me, nevertheless I see to my grief, that I fall exceeding short of that quietness, contentation, and cheerfulness in my condition, and of that sreeness of Self Resignation to Gods Will, that I desire, and his goodness calls for.
I wrestle with God by importunate prayer, that this thorn in the flesh might depart from me; that this distemper might be removed, or so mitigated, that I might be in some comfortable ease, and get a more cheerful freedom in doing my duty. Yet I would not wrest this relief out of his hands unseasonably, and without his good Will, and his Blessing. I would wait his time, and desire to have▪ it with his love and favour, and with a saving benefit. And so my earnest desire thereof is limited with submission to his holy Will. Yet I find that this submission is no easy matter, but that I must take pains with my own heart, and that it is God, who must work my heart to it, and keep under the flesh, which is alwaies ready to rebel. It is hard to be willing to bear my wearisom condition. And O how weak is my heart, and ready to sink, if it be not upheld by a strength above my own! O let His Grace be sufficient for me, and let His Power be made perfect in my weakness!
I feel my self bettered in the inner man by this chastening. It hath furthered Mortification and Self-denyal, and done much to the breaking of the heart of Pride, and to bring me on towards that more perfect Self-Examination, for which I labour. It hath much deadned the World to me, and my desire to the World. It makes me know in earnest the Emptiness of all creatures, and how great my concern is in God. It drives me close to him, and makes me to fetch all my comforts from him. I see of how little value all outward contentments are; and not only in my present afflicted state, but if I were at ease and in full prosperity. The sense of this benefit to my soul is the great means of bringing my Will to that weak degree of submission to God's Will, to which I have atatined.
O that I could live more by Faith in this trying affliction. I indeavour to impress upon my Soul those arguments, which the Scripture affords for Patience and Long-suffering with joyfulness. But this will not do the work, unless the Spirit of Faith and Patience be given from him, from whom comes down every good and perfect gift. I pray, I cry to my Father, that he would give me the Holy Spirit according to his Gracious promise, that I might shew forth the Power of his grace, and that I might not dishonour him, nor discourage his Children, nor reproach Religion by my weakness. And in my bearing of it well, my Reputation is nothing regarded by me in comparison of the honour of Christ. Him I desire to Gloryfy both in my obedience and patience.
I do not love God the less because of his correcting hand upon me. As my necessities drive me, so His Love draws me, and my Love brings me to him. I look to him as my Father. And shall I not honour my Father, and give him reverence, when I am chastned of him? The Lord is my Portion saith my Soul, therefore will I hope in him. I will wait for the Lord, who hideth his face, I will look after him; He retaineth not his Anger for ever, because he delighteth in Mercy. Therefore he will turn again, and have compassion upon me. If he kill me I will put my trust in him: for he will not cast me off for ever, if I cleave to him with Faith unseigned, but even through Death it self will he save me. He will bring me forth to the Light, and I shall behold his Righteousness. When I say, what shall I do in case of such or such troublesome or dangerous consequents, my heart answers, be not careful, God will provide, I will leave it to him.
Besides a Natural desire of ease and rest, the sense of the temptation which I am liable in this condition, makes me importunate to be delivered from it. I feellingly know the weakness of my own heart, and I am not ignorant of the Devil's malice and subtilty, and how he will make the fiercest assaults, where I am weakest. Whereupon I tremble in my self for fear of being tempted, and shaken and greatly amazed. And upon this ground respecting my Souls safety, I judg an humble and patient importunity with God for the removing or moderating of my distemper, to be my Duty. Yet to keep me from being over solicitous and anxious in this thing, I consider that God doth govern and limit all our temptations, and will not suffer us to be tempted above what we are able, but will with the temptation open a way for us to escape. Nevertheless I find, that I do much offend by too great a vehemence of desire to be delivered from this grievous burden without due submission; also by too much disquietness and dejection, when after some expectation of a benefit by that means, I perceive that my hope thereof is like to be frustrated. The Lord help me to carry it better, and as I ought to do, and keep my mind in its right frame.
My business under this Affliction is to be careful about my own part, and to leave God's part to his care. My part is to do my duty, and to get the benefit of the Affliction, but to remove it is God's part. Let me perform what belongs to me, and what belongs to God, he will certainly perform in his own time and way. The Sum of my duty is Graciously to comply with the dispensation and to behave my self suitably to it, and to please and honour God under it. Accordingly in this I Labour, and in this way I seek for comfort. And first I justify God and judg my self. God exercises his own holiness and justice in this Castigation. His justice and holiness I approve, and accept the punishment of mine Iniquity, and exercise an hatred of the Sin, for which I now smart. I will bear the indignation of the Lord, because I have sinned against him, and I repent with a self-abhorrence; And I lye in the dust at his feet, and wait on him, untill that he have Mercy upon me, and I am glad to receive Mercy upon his terms.
I have fled for refuge to lay hold on the hope that is set before me. I do most heartily take God for my portion, and I had rather Live the divine Life in Conformity to him and Fellowship with him, here in the firstfruits of the Spirit, and hereafter in the fulness of Glory, than live in the fulness of the delights and Contentments, that belong to the Natural Life upon earth in a way of Sin, and allienation from the Life of God. I do most heartily take Christ according to the offer of the Gospel, not only to be justified from my Sins and delivered from the wrath to come by his merits; but also to be Sanctified by his Word and Spirit, and to be governed by his Laws, and to be brought by him unto the aforesaid fellowship with God. And my Life and practice in the main Bent and ordinary course thereof is according to this choice, in a daily walking not by sight and sense, but by faith; not after the flesh, but after the Spirit, in setting my heart not on earthly, but on heavenly things. I cast off vain desires and hopes, and my expectations of good are from God according to the tenor of his promises. When I walk in darkness, and see no light of outward comfort, humane helps, and visible means, I will trust in the Name of the Lord, and stay my self upon my God. I strive with my own spirit to subdue it to the will of God; And in whatsoever I am tempted to be most impatient, therein I labour most for patience. My great care is that I may not sin against my God in any kind, and more especially that I may not sin by a rebellious impatience under his correcting hand. In this present distress I look upon my self, as being upon my Tryal, and therefore I look more diligently, to my behaviour in it. Now a price is put into my hand for the proof of my sincerity, and I labour accordingly to make good proof of it. I am willing to serve God in pain and patience, else I were unworthy of so good a Master. I am willing to be conformable to Christ in suffering, else I were unworthy of him. But here I must say again, the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak; Lord help my unwillingness. I am called to deny all the pleasures of sence and to mind them no more; and I am heartily willing of it. I am called to declare to others by the exercise of Faith and Patience the Righteonsness of the Lord, and his tender Mercies, and great Faithfulness, and that he alone▪ is Alsufficent. O that the power of his grace may be thus magnified in me! This is the fruit of the Afflictions, that I look after; And in this will I labour more and more. And through the help of Divine Grace I will not doubt of a good Issue, while I am found in the Way of Duty. To them, who by Patient Continuance in Well-doing seek for Glory and Honour and Immortality, God, who cannot lye, hath promised to give Eternal Life.
I am desirous to be delivered from this Affliction (if it be the Will of the Lord) upon this account, that I might have a more notable proof of my freer choosing of God for my Portion, when I am not thus driven to Him, as now, because I can go no where else for Comfort; also of my freer turning from the World, even then when I am capable of injoying it. To have such a proof of these things in my self, I should take for a great Advantage, and be greatly Thankful. Nevertheless, for the quieting of my Mind, I consider that my present Afflicted State doth better secure me from Temptations, which might draw my Heart from God to the Love of the World; in which respect, Prosperity is far more Dangerous than Adversity. Moreover, my present State gives me Advantage for a higher proof of the Grace that is in me, and of the Power of Divine Aid, upholding me in a Life of Faith and Patience, by which I Live upon God alone, when Worldly Comfort fails me, and by which I am enabled to overcome things Grievous to Nature, and to get above, not only the Pleasures, but the sharp Pains of Sense, and to Live, and endure with little natural, or bodily Rest. Also, it gives me the advantage of exercising a resolved, willing Self-Resignation to God in this Dispensation, which is harsh to Flesh and Blood, and a resting in Hope, when there is no present appearance of help, and a waiting, and looking for the Lord, who hides his Face, and a cleaving to him▪ by constant Love, though he doth fore Bruise me. If I continue in the exercise of these Graces, they will give me a Good Proof, that the Heavenly Nature is in me, and will make way for great Assurance towards God, and full Consolation in Christ Jesus. And yet further, I trust that I have long before this distress, chosen God for my Portion, and drawn off my Heart from the flattering Vanities of this World. And I know, that in this Distress, I do not come to Him constrainedly, or meerly as driven. For I delight to draw nigh to Him, to pour out my Heart before Him in Prayer and Meditation. My Meditation of Him is Sweet to my Soul, and I do not Love to be Diverted from it. And when my Distemper is any whit more easy, it Works unto a Rejoycing in Him. And it is for enlargement of Heart towards Him, that I chiefly desire bodily Ease and Rest.
Hear my Cry O God, Attend unto my Prayer. I will Cry unto Thee, when my Heart is overwhelmed: Lead me to the Rock that is higher than I.
God the infinite Goodness and Love, will not cast off a poor Soul that lies at his Feet, and cryes for the Help of his Grace, when it is ready to sink under the Burden, and is willing to have Mercy upon his Terms.
Therefore, I will still cry to Him, and look for Him, and lean upon Him, & will not depart from Him by an Evil Heart of Unbelief. This I resolve in his Strength. Lord Strengthen me unto the perfect Work of Patience.
Lord, I heartily consent that Thou shouldest use me as Thou pleasest, so Thou use me, as one of those that Love thy Name. Disposal is an effect of Propriety, but it is alwayes a regular, and a loving Disposal of the Subjects of his Government. O! Deal favourably with thy Servant. Thou Knowest my Frame, Remenber that I am but Dust.
The Lord will Perfect that which concerneth me: Thy Mercy O Lord Endureth for Ever. Forsake not the Works of thine own Hands. O Lord, without Thee I can do nothing. Therefore I must Beg, and Thou wilt give Grace sufficient, without which I cannot Subsist. For therein is the Life of my Spirit.
For Ever, O Lord, Thy Word is settled in Heaven.
Pitty me O Lord, as a Father Pittyeth his Children.
Comfort me O Lord, as one whom his Mother Comforteth.
The Lord will wait, that He may be Gracious unto you: For the Lord is a God of Judgment; Blessed are all they, that wait for Him.
Can I be in a better Hand? As my professed Judgment is concerning Gods Proceeding, so let me stand Affected towards it.