Advice to Parents and Children, Part 1
Parents Adviſed to their more Genearl and Particular Duties. And preſſed with Motives thereto.
The Duty of Parents to Children, is imply'd and concluded in the Fifth Commandment. It thus ſummarily expreſſed in the Weſtminſter Aſſemblies Larger Catechiſm. It is required of Superiors, according to that power they receive from God, and that relation wherein they ſtand, to love, pray for, and bleſs their Inferiors; to inſtruct, counſel, and admoniſh them; countenancing, commending, and rewarding ſuch as do well; diſcountenancing, reproving, and chaſtiſing ſuch as do ill; protecting and providing for them all things neceſſary for ſoul, and body; and by grave, wiſe, holy, and exemplary carriage, to procure Glory to God, honour to themſelves, and ſo to preſerve that Authority which God hath put upon them. I will tranſcribe no more of our many Summaries. But propoſe theſe particulars which I take to be comprehenſive. And ſuch that God will judge all the neglecters of; and not hold them guiltleſs, however full they be of excuſes. Knowing the Terror of the Lord, I thus inſtruct and perſwade every Chriſtian Parent,
1. Be Exemplary in Ʋniverſal Duty. Ill Example, is the rankeſt Poyſon in the World. Parents ill Example, is the worſt that Children can have. I know not what God hath forbid or required, if he forbids not ill, and requires not good Example. Good Example, for Duty foreſaid. Wouldſt be a good Parent? Thou canſt not, till thou doſt underſtandly, affectionately, and practically keep the Goſpel-Covenant. Owning the Engagement of thy Holy Baptiſm, renewing it at the Lords Supper, obſerving it in all thy ways towards God, other Men, and thy ſelf. You that do not this, ye bid your Children not to do it: In practice, ye bid 'em. And ye who bid them, not to do this, ye bid them (virtually) be Atheiſts and Devils and Rebels, to God and to your ſelves. As little as ye think of it, this ye do. God, and Godly Men, count you ſo to do. Parents, Parents, con ye well Job 22, 21, 22, 23. Job is adviſed to Acquaint himſelf with God, to receive and lay up God's Word in his Heart, to return unto the Almighty: (that is, to do all I have here foreſaid:) And for his encouragement he is then told, his relative Duties will come on with their Bleſſings. He ſhall be built up, that is, he ſhall have more Children. And he ſhall put away Iniquity far from his Tabernacles; that is, he ſhall be a good Father and Maſter, and remove the Iniquity of his Children and Servants; and promote Family-Godlineſs. Which, without that courſe preſcribed, he could not expect to do. Preceptive Teaching alone, is a little more than, a Cypher; 'tis practical Teaching is the Figure. The Language that God binds Parents and all Teachers to uſe, is this. Come with me, unto this and that Duty. Fly with me, from this and that Sin. Mourn with me, for this and that Omiſſion and Commiſſion ſinful. Delight with me, in this and that Holy Service. And be it written on all our Walls, They that are not Patterns to their Children be plagues to their Children. They who give them not good Example, give them nothing good; at leaſt, nothing like to do them good. For a grain of bad Example doth an hundred times more hurt, than a pound of good Counſel (ordinarily) doth good.
2. Be as full of prayer, as St. Auſtin's Mother. That Holy Creature got her Son and her Husband Converted by her Prayer. But not by ſlight and ſleepy Prayer. Think of this, Parents! As their greateſt Wickedneſs makes not Prayer hopeleſs, ſo your greateſt Sanctity makes not Prayer uſeleſs. Our Redeemer, whoſe Obedience is Meritorious, he himſelf asks, before God gives. Nor will God give, till in his Name ye ask. Ordinarily, he will not. But if ye ask not amiſs, ye can never miſs of what ye ask. And I will be allowed to ſay; Prayer for our Children is that Duty to them, without which we can diſcharge none. We muſt be joyned to God in the Covenant of Grace, before we can rightly Pray. And we muſt Pray, before we can expect to benefit our ſelves or our Children by any means poſſible. Gen. 17.18, 20. Abraham prayed for Iſhmael, and that warmly. And what ſays the Text? God ſaid, and as for Iſhmael I have heard thee, behold I have bleſſed him and will make him Fruitful, and will multiply him exceedingly: twelve Princes ſhall he beget, and I will make him a great Nation. David prayed hard for Solomon his Son. O Lord God of Abraham, Iſaac, and of Iſrael our Fathers, give to Solomon my Son a perfect heart to keep thy Commandments and thy Statutes 1 Chron. 22, 12, 1 Chron. 29, 18, 19. The ſeventy ſecond Pſalm is David's Prayer for his Solomon, Parents; Of all things be not niggardly of your prayers for your Children! Rather deny them Victuals and Drink. For many can give them both, that cannot put up prayers for them. And the ſame may be ſaid of the will as of the power of moſt. I know few do think it, but 'tis true, a ſtock of prayers is a richer Child portion, than a ſtock of broad Gold,
3. Be Catechizers through the whole compaſs of the words of Eternal Life. Suffer not thy Child to ſay, there is one Truth, or one Grace, or one Duty neceſſary to Salvation, that thou kneweſt but never taughteſt him. Who ever doubted, but if a Man had a blind Child, he was bound to uſe all the likely means he could come by, to recover it's ſight. I am very confident that Adam, Seth, Noah, and Sem, were, all, Catechiſers. From the Cradle, the Church was ſtill kept up by Catechiſing. Of Abraham, God ſpeaks plainly, Gen. 18. 19. For I know him, that he will command his Children and his houſehold after him, and they ſhall keep the way of the Lord, to do Juſtice and Judgment; that the Lord may bring upon Abraham that which he hath ſpoken of him. David and Bathſheba too Catechiſed Solomon ſoundly. 1 Kings 2.2, 3. I go the way of all the Earth: be thou ſtrong therefore, and ſhew thy ſelf a Man. And keep the charge of the Lord thy God, to walk in his ways, to keep his Statutes and his Commandments and his Judgments and his Teſtimonies, as it is written in the Law of Moſes, that thou mayeſt proſper in all that thou doeſt, and whitherſoever thou turneſt thy ſelf. 1 Chron. 28.9. And thou, Solomon my Son, know thou the God of thy Father, and ſerve him with a perfect heart, and with a willing mind: for the Lord ſearcheth all hearts, and underſtandeth all the imaginations of the thoughts: if thou ſeek him, he will be found of thee; but if thou forſake him, he will cast thee off for ever. Prov. 31.1. The words of King Lemuel, the propheſie that his mother taught him. Lois and Eunice are praiſed on this account. 2 Tim. 1.5, 3, 15. When I call to remembrance the unfeigned Faith that is in thee, which dwelt firſt in thy Grand-mother Lois, and thy Mother Eunice; and I am perſwaded that in thee alſo. And that from a Child thou haſt known the holy Scriptures, which are able to make thee wiſe unto Salvation, through Faith which is in Chriſt Jeſus. After the death of the Apostles, the Churches had Officers for the ſingle work of Catechiſing. Clemens, Origen, Cyril, ſucceſſively held that work at Alexandria. And truly Parents, you had need take it up your ſelves now. For you are your Childrens firſt Miniſters, as well as their Guides and Rulers. And an uncatechiſing Parent is a non-preaching Miniſter; which is ſo bad a Creature, that one hath ſaid, He thought Hell was pav'd with their Skuls. This forget not, I beſeech you; every prayer you make for your Children, that is not followed with your pains with them, is a very mocking of God and of them.
4. Be as kind as ever you can with good Conſcience. Never provoke 'em, or by unneceſſary hard looks, words, or acts, diſcourage them. Col. 3, 21. Epheſ. 6.4. God expreſly forbids you. But catch at every opportunity to encourage them to begin and go on to do well. This God commandeth you to do toward all, and eſpecially, your own Children, I trow. It was wickedly that Saul called his Son Jonathan, Son of the perverſe and wicked Woman; and more wickedly that he threw a Javelin at him: which cauſed him to riſe up in fierce anger, which was very contrary to the Reverence of a Parent. 1 Sam. 20.30, 33, 34. And as wicked were the blind man's cow-hearted Parents, who ſhrunk from his defence and left him to ſhift for himſelf, ſaying, he was of age, forſooth. Jo. 9.21. Praiſe worthily, Joaſh ſtood by his Son Gideon in the conteſt, Judg. 6.29, 30, 31, But in brief: the Holy Ghoſt ſuppoſeth good Fathers to brook what may be born in their Children. Mal. 3.17. As a Father ſpareth his Son. For Mothers, ſee Iſai. 66.13. As one whom his mother comforteth. Convince your Children, if it be poſſible, that you love them as the apple of your eyes. And do pray and labour to make ſweet their Time and Eternity. Ruling them but as God doth, drawing them with the Cords of a Man, the Bonds of Love. Shewing them by the likeneſs of your Government, that 'tis in God's ſtead that you do Rule over them. Even the God who is Love. And whoſe ſeverity is as rare as Thunder, while his Benignity is as common as the day Light. Flints will break upon Wool, that will not upon Iron. But,
5. Abhor David's kindneſs unto Adonijah. It is ſaid, That David had not diſpleaſed him at any time, in ſaying, why haſt thou done ſo? 1 Kings 1.6. This kindneſs is the bloodieſt Cruelty. God pronounceth ſuch Parents Haters of their Children. Prov. 13.24. He that ſpareth his rod, hateth his ſon; he carries it miſchievouſly towards his ſon, as tho' he did hate him. David found it ſo, when Adonijah was in Rebellion. Iſaac found it ſo, when his ſon Eſau, whom he had ſuffered to ſport out his time in Hunting, came to grieve his heart and his Wives. Gen. 25.27. Gen. 26.35. Eli found it ſo, when, for the indulged ſins of his coldly rebuked Children, he was ſentenced terribly by God, and his whole Family alſo. His Hophni and Phineahs being both doom'd to die in a day. 1 Sam. 2. Government, is a high Talent; Dominion maketh like unto God. Fooliſh fondneſs proſtitutes unto contempt. And expoſes to ſcorn any Governor, yea the God for whom he Governeth. A wickedneſs, that, I think, God never lets go unrevenged in this World it ſelf. A wickedneſs, that many at the Gallowes have ſaid, was the cauſe of their periſhing thereon. A wickedneſs, that ſlays more of the Children of the Nobility, Gentry and Commonalty, than any other appears to do. Parents, as you value your Childrens Souls, be ſure to abhor Tyranny on one hand, and Anarchy on the other. Be not ſo Cruel as to give them their wills in no thing, or to deny them their wills in any thing that is good. Nor ſo much more Cruel, as to give them their wills in every thing, or in any one ſinful thing. Prov. 29.15. The Rod and Reproof give Wiſdom, but a Child left to himſelf bringeth his Mother to ſhame. Apes be not the only Bruits that hug their Whelps to death. Be it remembred that I ſay: Bruitiſh is that Parent that ever corrects a Child but when 'tis neceſſary, or ever doth it not to the ſubduing of his Spirit when it is neceſſary. When it comes unto a conteſt, he that lets his Child outbrave him, doth ſhame himſelf, and (in a ſenſe) murder and damn his Child. Prov. 23.13, 14. If thou beateſt him with the rod he ſhall not dye. Thou ſhalt beat him with the rod, and ſhalt deliver his ſoul from Hell.
6. Lay out, and lay up for your Children. They have Bodies as well as Souls. God commits to you the care of both. And requires that, next to their Souls, you be of all things moſt kind to their Bodies. That you lay out upon them what is meet; for Comfort, and Ornament, as well as Neceſſity: Though abhorring ſuperfluity; into which extream moſt Parents do run. It is an odious ſight, when Children are Apparelled, Fed, and Lodged very poorly, though the Parents are all richly. It ſhews that the Parents are Monſters, and it tempts the Children to be Vipers. He that is greedy of gain, in this way as well as others, troubleth his houſe, Prov. 15.27. This unnatural vicious niggardice unto Children, makes a Waſps neſt of a Family. Laudable was Jeſſe's liberal care for his Sons: 1 Sam. 17.17. Jeſſe ſaid unto David his Son, take now for thy Brethren an Epha of this parched Corn, and theſe ten Loaves, and run to the Camp to thy Brethren. An Epha contained about ten Pottles, a ſufficient allowance for a days food.And carry theſe ten Cheeſes to their Captain, and look how thy Brethren fare, and take their pledge. Jacobs care for his Sons was alike lovely; Gen. 37.14. He ſaid to Joſeph, Go I pray thee, ſee whether it be well with thy Brethren. and well with their Flocks, and bring me word again. But whatever you lay out upon your Children, you are obliged alſo to lay up for them. 2 Cor. 12.14. Prodigals, that ſpend all their income, (unneceſſarily, I mean;) are horrid Felons. And rob their Children of their due. Parents ought to exerciſe together great Diligence, and great Frugality, with an eye to their Childrens needs. Their needs of charge to the ſetting of them in proper and comfortable Callings; and afterward to the diſpoſing of them in convenient Matches. In which a wiſe Man would take the moſt curious care, next to the Salvation of his Childs Soul. But it need not be ſaid, how little the greateſt care uſeth to do in either their Callings or Matches, without a provided ſtock of that which anſwers all things. Jacobs queſtion is therefore every faithful Parents: Gen. 30.30. And now when ſhall I provide for my own houſe? They Conſcientiouſly conſider, if they provide not for them, they are worſe than Infidels. 1 Tim. 5.8. Parents, lay to heart what I tell you: If our Children be without Callings, they be outlaws from Gods Kingdom. If they be in bad ones, they are in continual Temptations. If we lay not up what we (innocently) can for them, they are not like to have good ones. If through our Sloth, Prodigality, or Covetouſneſs, they do miſs of good ones, what an action have they againſt us? It would cut the heart of a gracious Parent to have his Children ſay, as Labans Daughters ſaid, Gen. 31.14, 15. Is there yet any portion for us in our Fathers houſe? Are we not counted of him ſtrangers? And hath he not quite devoured alſo our money. Neither are your Children, Angels. It is your duty to provide, ſeaſonably, for their diſpoſal in Marriage. Some delay it, looking after a Match more rich then yet offers: Others delay, as loth to part with ſo much of their Riches as is requiſite. But commonly you pay dear for your delays. Lot delayed to diſpoſe of his Daughters, and he deeply ſuffered for it. Gen. 19.30, 31, 32. Judah delayed; ſuffered for it, and confeſſed it, Gen. 38.26. Tamar (that played the Harlot) hath been more righteous then I, becauſe that I gave her not to Shelah my Son. Unto this delay of Parents muſt be aſcribed, the invincible Melancholly, the Distraction, the Debauchery, the temporal Ruin and Infamy of thouſands of Engliſh Children. Hiſtory tells us of many that have conſpired and got their Parents murdered, for croſſing them in their Matches. I would that Religious Parents could but look into the hearts of all the Children that they croſs herein, and ſee the reſentments of them. But I add this word only more; Forbidding to marry is a doctrine of Divels, among Papiſts; and ſeems to be a practice of Divels among many Proteſtants.
I proceed unto ſome more particular Counſels. Calculated for the greateſt number of Parents, who do need them. Thoſe, more rare ones, that do not, may overlook them. I exhort thoſe who are weak enough to want, and humble enough to accept theſe Lines, as followeth.
1. Ʋnderſtand and lament your Childrens ſin and miſery. Know and conſider what their natural unrenewed ſtate is. Till you do ſo, you will neither incline nor underſtand how to do your Duties. For you are without your Motive and your Rule. I often think and ſay; Original ſin muſt be more learned, before Parents duties be better practiced. Did you know your Children to be ſick, and know their diſeaſe too; I do perſwade my ſelf you would not ſo generally neglect their cure.
2. Begin their Education very early. The Twig greeneſt, bends eaſieſt. They that tame Lions, or convert very many Sinners, break them when they are very young. Stubbornneſs of will, ruines the World: But young Stomachs are moſt eaſie to be pulled down. Beſides, God is honoured by your hast to make your Child honour him. And moſt commonly he honoureth and bleſſeth that haſt. The ſooner you are doing, the more and better you are like to do.
3. Employ them conſtantly. Keep them out of Idleneſs, as you would out of the Fire, or out of the Thames. Hold them alwayes Muſing, Hearing, or Doing. Rather make them ſweep the Houſe, then ſtand idle in it. Find ſome good work or innocent for all their time, if ye would have them do good in a good manner at any time. Neither Children, nor Men, can refrain from evil, any longer then employed in good.
4. Keep them from bad Company. That is Pitch; and if we let them touch it, they muſt be defiled. Their Playfellows worſt words and wayes; get into the beſt of them, very ſoon. And your own, and their Maſters beſt words and blows will not ſo ſoon get them out. Who knows it not? Company is one of the moſt powerful means of Grace, or the contrary. It opens the doors of the Soul, more then any, unto Good or unto Evil.
5. Make them neither too Bold with you, nor too Fearful of you. Not too Bold; they be not Equals. Nor too Fearful; they be not your meer Servants neither. Familiarity will bring them to contemn you, and your Government. Fear will make them to hate both. Children be reaſonable Creatures, they love themſelves, and love thoſe that love them. You muſt give them ſuch freedom with you, as may ſpeak your love of them. For the ſenſe of that, will make it a pain to them to diſpleaſe you; and a pleaſure to gratifie you. But you muſt not give them ſuch a Liberty, as doth directly carry them to Licentiouſneſs. For alas, poor things, if you will make them as bold as Equals, they (before ever they are aware of it,) will make themſelves as bold as Superiours. In a word: You muſt neither make them too timorous to look upon you, not too audacious to be awed by a look of yours. Let them love to ſee you, and fear to let you ſee ought but what you like in them.
6. Let the doctrine of God and of his Covenant word, be firſt, and moſt taught them. The ſixteen things concerning God which I have Printed for your uſe, may be leiſurely dropped into very young Minds. So may my ſhort account of the Covenant of Grace. Till they are learnt, I know not what can be profitably learnt. And when they are, all Religion is more eaſily learnt. Early and frequently, and moſtly inculk upon them; How great and good God is, what a Covenant his Goſpel preſents, what an Engagement and Encouragement Holy Baptiſm is. Happy be the Scholars who are ſet to learn firſt things in the firſt place. Order gives Perſpicuity, and Perſpicuity makes Affection and Memory.
7. Speak of holy things in their Preſence, with the greateſt reverence poſſible. Poor Creatures, their honour of you is the higheſt they have. They take you for wiſer then all the World. They believe beſt and lovelieſt what they ſee you take to be ſo. And they will ſhrewdly gueſs by your Speech and Carriage, what it is you take for beſt, and what for worſt. Now a ſight of your prefering God and Covenant duty to him above all things; and a ſight of your hating and dreading ſin and Gods diſpleaſure more then Pain or Death; what doth it on them? Truly, more good for ought I know, then is done by all things elſe to be named. Yea, and their hearing you ſpeak of Holy things but as of Common; and their ſmelling out your low eſteem of them, is the greateſt bane of them that can be invented. If any thing more ſtrengthens their Original Corruption, 'tis ſomewhat that I have not yet underſtood.
8. Shew them by Words and Deeds your Love of beſt Miniſters and People, and your loathing of trifling Miniſters and vain People. By this will they be brought to love the one and loath the other, before they underſtand them. And be forengaged to Hearken to the beſt, and to be Deaf to the worſt. A benefit very great! And one whoſe influence is often ſeen to laſt throughout the Lives of Men and Women. As is alſo the power of the contrary. I mean; when the curſed example of Parents bringeth Children to mock at Gods Prophets and People; and to eſteem as the pleaſanteſt Company, ſuch as make a God of this World, and make but a jeaſt of Religion. And this before they know themſelves, who are the beſt and wiſeſt, and who the moſt miſerable people and fooliſh. Scarcely one of an hundred is ever reduced, from the fatal errour ſo early ſwallowed and blindly.
9 Make their Recreations to deſerve their name. I mean, to be ſuch only, as do indeed Recreate, and Whet, and Sharpen. Such as do make for Health of Body and for Chearfulneſs of Mind; and leave them more fit, and not leſs fit for Buſineſs, then they found them. One of our Holy Martyrs, repented his having played at Cheſs. Biſhop Ʋſher betimes left the uſe of Cards, as finding them an enſnaring Game. All I ſay is this; Games that do not exerciſe the Body, and do much ſtretch the ſinews of the Mind, and do exhauſt great ſumms of Time, theſe do bear the Superſcription of Satan. For in them, Play becomes a very work. And the Gameſter doth as a Mower, who ſhould ſpend all the day in whetting his Sithe.
10. Obſerve carefully each Childs peculiar Temper. The difference is very great. And the need to know it is great. For how ſhall you elſe ſuit your dealings unto it? You muſt never expect to obtain your end by unſuited means. If you are very rough with ſome Children, you frighten them not unto their duties but out of their wits. Others, will ſcarcely learn any thing unleſs they be taught like the men of Succoth, with briars and thorns. And only a middle way, with ſweetneſs and ſeverity immixed, will reach others. Beſides, as every Man, ſo every Child has ſome one or other ſupream ſin; that ſupports all the reſt; and being depoſed, the reſt would ſoon be mortified. Now the Childs temper being found, this King-ſin of his would not be long to ſeek. And this being well watched and reſiſted, great would be the hopes of the Childs deſired Salvation.
I conclude with a few Motives, or moving Conſiderations. Do but remember them, and neglect what is foreſaid if ye dare?
C. 1. Your Children are Gods Children by Creation and Redemption; and committed to your Tuition. O think what you would do for the Kings Child, if you had one of his to educate.
C. 2. Your Children are your ſelves. Very parts of your ſelves. And is it no ſhame for you that are Men and Chriſtians, to neglect or but ſlightly care for your ſelves.
C. 3. You are Baptized, and have had your Children Baptized, and at their Baptiſm you engaged to do all this. In your Baptiſm you were bound to do all I have named. You ſaw your. Children in their Baptiſm, bound to obey the whole Goſpel. And you then Promiſed to do all you could to help them to do it. Is all this very nothing?
C. 4. You have more Advantages to do all, then all the World beſide hath. You beſt love, and are beſt beloved by your Children. You are nigheſt to them. You have greateſt power over them.
C. 5. Your Honour, Pleaſure and Profit, is most concerned in your Childrens good. More then other Mens is. More than your own is in ought beſide, except your own Souls Salvation.
C. 6. You are they that have done your Children most hurt. You propagated or derived Adams ſin to them; through you they received the Infection: And by your own ſins, you make ſad work for them too. Who ſhould help to ſave them if not you?
C. 7. You know too, (do you not,) that 'tis by ill Education, next to Original Corruption, that the World is made ſuch a Hell as 'tis. And will you nevertheleſs give your Children no better Education?
Oh be not ſo unmerciful! You begat them not Beaſts; oh do not breed them as ſuch. Mercy, mercy, have mercy on the Souls that muſt be Bleſſed or Miſerable for ever. And whoſe Life or Death ſeems next to Gods own hand, in yours. Help, oh help poor Babes ſo weak. And do not ſtay, till your Help is nothing worth, or much leſs then now. To murder Souls and your own Childrens, is fitter work for Divels then for you. O lay not out Pounds for their Bodies, for every Peny you lay out for their Souls. O Pray, O Labour, O Wait, till God ſay to each of you, I will pour my Spirit upon thy Seed, and my Bleſſing upon thy Off-ſpring. They ſhall ſpring up as among the Graſs, as Willows by the water courſes. One ſhall ſay, I am the Lords; and another ſhall call himſelf by the name of Jacob; and another ſhall ſubſcribe with his hand unto the Lord, and ſirname himſelf by the name of Iſrael. Iſa. 44.3, 4, 5. Be it known to as many as will not thus do, they are notorious enemies of God, the Church, and the World, And of their rotting names their Children will be forced to ſpeak Lies, or Nothing, or Evil things. The Speeches, Laws, and Actions of many Heathens, (which I may not here repeat,) ſhall one day ſhame them. But I conclude with Prayer. O God turn the Hearts of Engliſh Fathers to the Children, and do not come and ſmite us with thy Curſe!