The Mischiefs of Self-Ignorance, Part 28
Dir. 4. OBſerve then the workings and diſcoveries of the heart, and judge of its abundance, or habits by your words and deeds. Note what you were when you had opportunity to ſin, when the full cup of pleaſure was held out to you, when preferment was before you, when injurie or provoking words did blow the coal; If then ſin appeared, judge not that you are free, and that none of the roots are latent in your hearts; Or if you are ſure that ſuch diſpoſitions are hated, repented of and mortified, yet you may hence obſerve what diſeaſes of ſoul you ſhould chiefly ſtrive againſt, to keep them under, and prevent a new ſurprize or increaſe. It is uſual for ſuch licentiouſneſs, ſuch ſelf-ſeeking, ſuch ugly pride and paſſion to break forth upon ſome ſpecial temptations, which for many years together did never appear to the perſon that is guilty, or to any other, that it ſhould keep the beſt in fear and ſelf-ſuſpicion, and cauſe them to live inconſtant watchfulneſs, and to obſerve the bent and motions of their ſouls: and to make uſe afterward of ſuch diſcoveries as they have made to their coſt in time of tryal.
And it much concerneth all true Chriſtians, to keep in remembrance the exerciſe and diſcoveries of grace which formerly upon tryal did undoubtedly appear, and did convince them of the ſincerity which afterward they are apt again to queſtion. Will you not believe that there is a ſun in the firmament unleſs it always ſhine upon you? Or that it is hot unleſs it be always Summer? Will you not believe that a man can speak, unleſs he be always speaking? It is weakneſs and injurious raſhneſs in thoſe Chriſtians, that upon every damp that ſeizeth on their ſpirits, will venture to deny Gods former mercies, and ſay that they had never ſpecial grace, becauſe they feel it not at preſent: that they never prayed in ſincerity, becauſe ſome diſtemper at preſent diſcompoſeth or overwhelmeth them: that their former zeal and life was counterfeit, becauſe they are grown more cold and dull; that their former comforts were all but hypocritical deluſions, becauſe they are turned now to ſorrows: As much as to ſay, Becauſe I am now ſick, I was never well, nor ſo much as alive. O were it not for the tender compaſſions of our Father, and the ſure performance of our Lord and Comforter, and that our peace is more in his hand than our own (though more in our own than any others,) it could never be that a poor diſtempered imperfect ſoul, ſhould here have any conſtancie of peace; Conſidering the power of ſelf-love and partiality, on one ſide, and of grief and fear and other paſſions on the other; and how little a thing doth ſhake ſo moveable and weak a thing, and muddy and trouble a mind ſo eaſily diſturbed; and how hard it is again to quiet and compoſe a mind ſo troubled, and bring a grieved ſoul to reaſon, and make paſſion underſtand the truth, and to cauſe a weake afflicted ſoul to judge clean contrary to what they feel: all this conſidered, no wonder if the peace and comfort of many Chriſtians be yet but little and interrupted and uneven: and if there be much crying in a family that hath ſo many little ones, and much complaining where there are ſo many weak and poor: and many a groane where there is ſo much pain. To ſhew us the Sun at midnight; and convince us of Love while we feel the rod; and to give us the comfortable ſenſe of grace, while we have the uncomfortable ſenſe of the greatneſs of our ſin; to give us the joyful hopes of glory, in a troubled melancholy dejected State: all this is a work that requireth the ſpecial helpe of the Almighty, and exceeds the ſtrength of feeble worms. Let God give us never ſo full diſcoveries of his tendereſt Love and our own ſincerity, as if a voice from Heaven had witneſſed it unto us, we are queſtioning all if once we ſeem to feel the contrary, and are perplexed in the tumult of our thougths and paſſions, and bewildred and loſt in the errors of our own diſturbed minds. Though we have walkt with God, we are queſtioning whether indeed we ever knew him, as ſoon as he ſeemeth to hide his face. Though we have felt another life and ſpirit poſſeſs and actuate us than heretofore, and found that we love the things and perſons which once we loved not, and that we were quite falln out with that which was our former pleaſure, and that our ſouls broke off from their old delights, and hopes and ways, and reſolvedly did engage themſelves to God, and unfeignedly delivered up themſelves unto him; yet all is forgotten, or the convincing evidence of all forgotten, if the lively influences of heaven be but once ſo far withdrawn, as that our preſent ſtate is clouded and afflicted, and our former vigour and aſſurance is abated. And thus unthankfully we deny God the praiſe and acknowledgement of his mercies, longer than we are taſting them, or they are ſtill before us; All that he hath done for us is as nothing, and all the Love which he hath manifeſted to us is called hatred; and all the witneſſes that have put their hands to his Acts of Grace, are queſtioned; and his very ſeals denyed, and his earneſt miſinterpreted, as long as our darkened diſtempered ſouls are in a condition unfit for the apprehenſion of Mercy; and uſually when a diſeaſed or afflicted body doth draw the mind into too great a participation of the affliction. And thus as we are diſpoſed our ſelves, ſo we judge of our ſelves and of all our receivings, and al! Gods dealings with us: A ſoul in a cheerful lively frame, thinks well of all that God doth to him; and hath thoughts of Hope, and Peace, and Joy; as Health diſpoſeth the body to alacrity, and can make a man merry, that hath little elſe: Whereas a ſoul overwhelmed with cares, and fears, and griefs, and muddyed with ſinfull exceſſive thoughtfulneſs, and habituated in a diſeaſed ſickly frame, is afraid of every thing, and turneth matter of comfort into ſorrow, and is in daily pain by its own imaginations; like a man that hath a ſore, and is hurt with the thought that ſome body toucht it. When we feel our ſelves well, all goes well with us, and we put a good interpretation upon all things: And when we are out of order, we complain of every thing, and take pleaſure in nothing, and no one can content us, and all is taken in the worſer part; As the Poet ſaid, Laeta fere laetus cecini, cano triſtia triſtis.
You ſhall have a merry ſong from a merry heart, and a ſad ditty from a troubled grieved mind.
And thus while the diſcoveries both of ſin and grace, are at preſent overlookt, or afterwards forgotten, and almoſt all men judge of themſelves by preſent feeling, no wonder if few are well acquainted with themſelves.
But as the Word and the works of God muſt be taken together, if they be underſtood, and not a ſentence, part or parcel taken ſeparated from the reſt which muſt make up the ſenſe: ſo alſo the workings of God upon your ſouls muſt be taken altogether: and you muſt read them over from the firſt till now, and ſet all together, and not forget the letters, the part that went before, or elſe you will make no ſenſe of that which followeth. And I beſeech all weak and troubled Chriſtians to remember alſo that they are but children and Schollars in the ſchool of Chriſt: and therefore when they cannot ſet the ſeveral parts together, let them not overvalue their unexperienced underſtandings, but by the help of their skilful faithful Teachers, do that which of themſelves they cannot do: Enquire what your former mercies ſignifie: Open them to your guides, and tell them how God hath dealt with you from the beginning, and tell them how it is with you now: and deſire them to help you to perceive how one conduceth to the right underſtanding of the other. And be not of froward but of tractable ſubmiſſive minds; and thus your ſelf-acquaintance may be maintained, at leaſt to ſafety, and to ſome degree of peace, if not to the Joys, which you deſire, which God reſerveth for their proper ſeaſon.