Exposition of Colossians, Sermons · Chapter 3 · Verse 19
VER. 19. Huſbands louelove your wiues, and bee not bitter vntounto them.
In this verſe the Apoſtle ſets before vsus the duty of huſbands towards their wiues, namely this, that husbands ought to louelove their wiues, which is ſet downe by way of exhortation, and that indefinitely, husbands whatſoeuer yee bee, louelove your wiues, and this exhortation is further amplified by a diſſwaſion from the contrarie, that husbands ſhould not bee vnlouing or vnkinde to their wiues, which is expreſſed vnderunder a compariſon, the Apoſtle comparing the vnkindneſſe of the huſband towardes his wife, to bitter things, he ſaith, be not bitter vntounto them (Husbands louelove your wiues) that is, carry in your hearts a kind and louing affection towards them, and ſhew it foorth both in word and deed,Interpretation. (and be not bitter vntounto them) that is, be not to your wiues as bitter things are to the taſte, be not vnpleaſant and harſh in your behauiour towards them, vſe no hard and rigorous dealing to your wiues, either in word or deed, take heede your louelove turne not into gall and bitterneſſe towards them.
Now firſt, let it be heere obſerued of vsus that our Apoſtle hauing taught wiues in the former verſe, to ſubmit themſelues to their husbands, and now comming in this verſe to ſpeake to husbands, hee ſpeakes not to them as it may ſeeme, hee ought to hauehave ſpoken; for hauing ſaid, Wiues ſubmit your ſelues to your husbands, it may ſeeme hee ſhould heere hauehave ſaide, as moſt anſwerable and correſpondent to his former ſpeech, Husbands rule ouer your wiues, and exerciſe your authoritie ouer them; for rule and ſubiection are correlatiues and correſpondent one to another, not ſubiection and louelove; yet the Apoſtle thus ſpeakes not, but hee being guided by the Spirit of God ſpeakes thus; Husbands louelove your wiues, and bee not bitter vntounto them. Hee thought it more fitte to teach huſbands their duty, then to put them in minde of their power, and to let them vnderſtand how to vſe their power ouer their wiues well, and as they ought, then to ſtirre them vp to the exerciſe of it, hee knowing husbands ready enough to vſe their power and authority ouer their wiues, thought it more meete to informe them how to vſe it aright, and in holy manner, then to ſtirre them vp Doct. 1 to the vſe of it.
Heereby plainely teaching vsus thus much.
That husbands are eſpecially to looke that they vſe their power and authoritie ouer their wiues well, and in a right manner,Husbands are eſpecially to bee carefull to vſe their power & authority ouer t…eir wiues well and in a right manner. they are to bee moſt carefull for this, that the rule and gouernement of their wiues put into their handes, bee vſed as it ought to bee; its lawfull indeed, for husbands to rule and gouerne their wiues put in ſubiection vntounto them, but the practiſe of that rule and gouernement muſt bee ſeaſoned with louelove and ſweetneſſe.
And hence it is that howſoeuer by implication, its cleare from many places of Scripture, that the husband hath power and authority giuen him ouer his wife, and he may vſe it; yet, we neuer finde it directly ſaid, husbands rule ouer your wiues, or husbands exerciſe authority ouer your wiues, but we finde it often ſaid, husbands louelove your wiues, and giuegive honour to them as to the weaker veſſels; thereby teaching, and vrging the manner of husbands rule and gouernment, and therefore husbands are eſpecially to looke to that, and the reaſon of it is manifeſt, (namelie) this.
Reaſon It is the hardeſt thing that can bee, for a man to carry himſelfe wel, and as he ought, in any place of eminency, or in any degree of preferment and ſuperiority, ſuch is the corruption of our nature, that if a man bee aduanced and preferred aboue others, in any place or degree, his heart is commonly lift vp in him, and exalted aboue meaſure, and he cannot vſe his preferment, but with tyranny and domineering ouer ſuch as are vnderunder him: let a man bee preferd, and ſet in any place of gouernment, though but ouer his owne wife, his owne children, his owne ſeruants, yea but ouer bruit beaſts, as to be but a ſheepe keeper, and without the ſanctifyng grace of Gods Spirit, he will diſcouer the bitterneſſe of his heart, hee will exerciſe rigour and tyranny ouer them; and therefore husbands are eſpecially to looke to this, that their preferrement and ſuperiority ouer their wiues, be rightly vſed, they are to labour to hauehave their harts ſanctified by the ſpirit of Chriſt, that they may vſe the power and authority ouer their wiues, that is put into their hands, in holy manner as it ought to be vſed.
Vſe. And this ſerues to reproue ſuch husbands as vſe rigour and tyranny in the rule and gouernment of their wiues;Reprofe of ſuch husbands as vſe rigour and tyranny in the gouernment of their wiues. happily ſome may take occaſion thorow their owne corruption, vponupon that doctrine, touching the ſubiection of wiues, to play the tyrants ouer their wiues, and becauſe wiues are to ſubiect themſelues to their husbands, and are to yeeld them reuerence and obedience; heereupon they may happily thinke, that they may tyrannize ouer their wiues, and carry themſelues as Lions in their owne houſes: but let them know, whoſoeuer they bee, that thinke they may ſo doe, they diſcouer their owne weakeneſſe, and their want of right vnderſtanding and iudgement, and they ſauour the doctrine of the Apoſtle to death, and not to life. And now learne, whoſoeuer thou art, that howſoeuer thy wife is to ſubiect her ſelfe to thy rule and gouernement, yet thou maiſt not thereupon take occaſion to domineere and tyrannize ouer her; no, no, thou muſt eſpecially looke to this, that thy ſuperiority and dominion ouer thy wife be rightly vſed, laborur thou to hauehave thine heart ſanctified in thy preferrement aboue thy wife, that it may be vſed in holy manner, euen in louelove, and that it may be void of all rigour and bitterneſſe, and if it bee not ſo vſed, aſſuredly, without repentance, that preferrement of thine ſhall one day ſtand in iudgement againſt thee, and ſhall arggauate and increaſe thy condemnation.
I come to the duty it ſelfe heere vrged by the Apoſtle,The order obſerued in handling the duty of huſbands, which is the ſecond doct. (namely) this, that husbands are to louelove their wiues.
Touching this duty, I will ſhew.
1 Firſt, what this louelove that ought to bee in the huſband is.
2 Secondly, wherein it conſiſteth.
3 Thirdly, the extent of it touching the perſons.
4 And fourthly, the meaſure and condition of it.
And then after theſe things laid a little nearer to our ſelues, I will vſe ſome motiues to ſtirre vp to the practiſe of this dutie.
Firſt, therefore know wee, that this louelove is, a chaſte affection in the heart of the husband,What the louelove of the husbād to his wife is. whereby hee is ſo vnited and knit to his wife, as hee doth reſt contented with her, and ſpeakes her good by all good meanes, without ſubiection, in, and for the Lord; I ſay, a chaſte affection; to diſtinguiſh it from vnchaſt louelove, and wanton luſt; for the louelove of the husband to his wife muſt be, as the louelove of Chriſt to his Church, Epheſ. 5 25. And Chriſt his louelove to his Church is moſt chaſte; that which is added, that this louelove doth ſo vnite the husband to his wife, as hee doth reſt contented with her, and ſeekes her good by all good meanes; wee ſhall ſhew that, in expreſſing wherein it conſiſteth, but that this muſt be without ſubiection its cleare, in that the husband is the wiues head, Epheſ. 5.23. and that it muſt bee in the Lord, and for the Lord, (that is) ſo as may ſtand with the feare of God in obedience to his particular Commandement, binding euerie man to louelove his wife in ſpeciall manner, wee cannot doubt of that.
The louelove of the husband to his wife ſtands in louelove to her body and louelove to her ſoule.I come therefore to the ſecond thing, (namely) to ſhew wherein this louelove conſiſteth: and forth at there be two eſſentiall parts of the wife, her body, and her ſoule, the huſbands louelove conſiſts in them both, and for the husbands louelove to the body of his wife, that conſiſts in two things, in contentation and preſeruation.
The husband muſt content himſelfe with the louelove of his owne wife onelyonly: we finde that particularly commanded, Prou. 5.18.19. Let thy fountaine be bleſſed, and reioice with the wife of thy youth. Verſe 19. Let her bee as the louing Hinde, and pleaſant Roe, let her breaſts ſatisfie thee at all times, and delight in her louelove continually.
And ſecondly, the husband muſt preferre the bodie of his wife, by cheeriſhing, gouerning, and defending of her, and theſe three are ſo conioined, and linked one within another, as they are not to bee ſundered; for to cheeriſh and not to gouerne, is fooliſh cockering; to gouerne, and not to cheeriſh, is auſterity; to cheeriſh, and gouerne, and not to defend, is to make the wife no better then a ſlaue, nay, worſe then a bruit beaſt, for men will cheeriſh, order, and they will alſo defend, and ſhelter their ſheepe, and oxen, from iniurie of weather, and ſhall then any of theſe things be denied to the wife? No, no, men are to nouriſh and cheriſh their wiues, as their owne fleſh, Epheſ. 5.29. They muſt (as they are able) prouide meate, drinke, apparell, and all things needfull for them, and prouiſion being made, they muſt ſo order and diſpoſe all things, as there be no exceſſe in any thing, and they muſt alſo ſhield them, as much as they can, from all iniurie and wrong, both at home, and abroad.
Now, for the husbands louelove to the ſoule of his wife that ſtands eſpecially in two things.
The firſt is, that which we are taught, 1 Pet. 3.7. That he dwell with his wife as a man of knowledge: the husband being the wiues head ought to be more eminent, and to appeare aboue her in wiſdome, iudgement, and diſcretion, and the feare of God, and according to his height and meaſure in thoſe good things, to bend downe, and to apply himſelfe, either to implant the ſame, or to increaſe them, being already implanted in his wife. Husbands ſometimes complaine that their wiues are vnruly, and carrie not themſelues as they ought towards them, when indeed, the fault is from themſelues, becauſe they ſhould dwell with them, as men of wiſdome, and knowledge, and doe not; its as if the head which hath the guiding of the body, ſhould leade it thorow briers, and thornes, and cauſe it to bee ſcratched, and then complaine that the armes, or legges, did ake, or ſmart; for the husband is the wiues head, and ſhould wiſely lead her, and goe in and out before her.
The ſecond thing wherein ſtands the husbands louelove to the ſoule of his wife is compriſed vnderunder a generall duty, Philip. 2.2. the husband is to carrie an equall minde towards his wife, and that is, eſpecially in bearing with her frailties and infirmities, as with her haſtineſſe, or ſlowneſſe, her importunity, and ſuch like; The Apoſtle Peter in the place before cited, ſaith, Let the husband giuegive honour vntounto the woman as vntounto the weaker veſſell; let him intreat her with mildneſſe, and gentleneſſe, bearing with her naturall weakeneſſe and infimities, and if ſhee fall by occaſion into any fault (except Adulterie, which is the bane of wedlocke) let him labour by all kinde and gentle meanes, to reclaime her, conſidering himſelfe, as the Apoſtle ſaith, Gal. 6.1. that he alſo may bee tempted, and fall into the like ſinne.
The dutie of louelove in the husband to the wife reacheth to all husbands.For the third thing, the extent of this duty touching the perſons whom it concernes, that is implied in the firſt words of this verſe (Husbands.) In that the Apoſtle ſaith indefinitely, Husbands louelove your wiues, not bounding the duty on husbands of this or that order, or condition; he would hauehave vsus vnderſtand that this duty is alſo generall, and reacheth to all husbands, hie and low, rich and poore, none excepted, though the husband bee a King, or the greateſt man in the earth, if hee bee an husband hee muſt carrie in his heart a chaſte affection toward his wife, hee muſt louelove both her body and ſoule, content himſelfe with her louelove onelyonly, cheeriſh, gouerne, and defend her, dwell with her as a man of knowledge, and beare with her naturall frailties, and infirmities.
The husband muſt louelove his wife as much as himſelfe, & with as hearty and true louelove as he loues himſelfe.Now for the meaſure of the husbands louelove, the fourth thing I propounded to ſpeake of, that is taught by the Apoſtle, Epheſ. 5.33. Let eueryevery one louelove his wife, euen as himſelfe: the husband muſt louelove his wife as much as himſelfe, and with as hearty and true louelove, as hee doth himſelfe, hee need not ſeeke farre for a patterne of the louelove he is to beare to his wife, or a fit example for his imitation; let him but looke into his owne heart, and there hee ſhall find louelove to himſelfe drawne out in liuely red letters, euen in his owne blood, and that is the patterne accor-to which hee muſt proportion his louelove to his wife; the husband muſt conſider what good, he in his heart wiſheth to his owne bodie and ſoule, and what harme hee laboureth to auoide, and the ſame good muſt hee heartilie wiſh to the ſoule and body of his wife, and the ſame harme muſt he labour to keepe from her; as it is abominable to hauehave two meaſures in one ſhop, one to buie, with a greater, and another, to ſell withall, and that a leſſe, Prou. 20.10. So is it for a man to hauehave two meaſures of louelove in his breaſt, one a greater, by which hee loues himſelfe, and another a leſſe, by which he loues his wife, there muſt bee the ſame true meaſure and condition of louelove, in the heart of the husband, both towards himſelfe, and towards his wife.
Now to lay theſe things a little neerer to our ſelues, Ʋſe. if husbands try and examine themſelues by theſe things deliuered, where is the man that can cleare himſelfe, and truely ſay, hee hath not failed in his dutie towards his wife?Particular examination of husbands touching their dutie to their wiues, and their failings in that reſpect diſcouered. No doubt, euen they that make conſcience of their duty, and endeauour moſt of all to performe it, muſt needs confeſſe, that in ſome thing or other they hauehave failed, but not to ſpeake of them that faile of infirmity, and againſt their purpoſe; are there not ſome who hauehave, and daily doe faile groſſely, and pleaſe themſelues in their ſinfull failing and declining from their dutie towards their wiues? The number of ſuch is too great in the world. Are there not ſome who carry in their hearts not only a wanton and brutiſh luſt towards their wiues, which continues but for a time, and afterwards turnes as Ammons louelove did, 2. Sam. 13.15. into extreame hatred. Are not ſome, who content not themſelues with the louelove of their owne wiues, but follow after ſtrange fleſh, and delight to embrace the boſome of a ſtranger? Is it not too manifeſt that there bee ſome husbands ſo farre from cheeriſhing their wiues, and prouiding things needfull for them, as whatſoeuer they get, they ſpend in vaine, and vnthrifty company, in the Ale-houſe, or the like place, and let wife and children ſtarue at home. And alas, how many husbands bee there, that dwell not with their wiues as men of knowledge, are not able to gouerne their wiues with any good diſcretion, but are fooliſh heads, and cannot goe wiſely in and out before them? How many, againe, be there, that cannot beare with the frailties of their wiues, but if the wife bee haſty, the huſband is as hot; if ſhee be raſh, he is as heady, and intemperate? And many other waies doe husbands faile in their duties towards their wiues. Well, husbands muſt be humled for their failings paſt, and learne now to make conſcience of their duty; carry in thine heart a chaſte affection towards thy wife, content thy ſelfe with her louelove, cheeriſh, gouerne, and defend her, as much as thou art able,3. Motiues to perſwade husbands to performe their duty to their wiues. dwell with her as a man of knowledge, beare with her naturall fraileties, and infirmities, and let thy louelove bee as much, and as hearty towards thy wife, as towards thy ſelfe.
And to helpe thee forward in this duty, conſider,
Firſt, that thy wife is thine owne ſelfe, Mat. 19.5. and in louing her, thou loueſt thy ſelfe, Epheſ. 2.25.
And ſecondly, conſider that as the Lord would hauehave the neare vnion of Chriſt and his Church ſet before vsus in the coniunction of man and wife in marriage; ſo hee would hauehave the louelove of Chriſt to his Church, to bee repreſented in the louelove of the husband to his wife; and therefore if the husband louelove not his wife, it is, as much as in him is, to denie that Chriſt loues his Church, and the thought of that is blaſphemous.
And further, conſider that thy wife is committed to thee in truſt, by her parents and friends; yea, ſhee hath committed her ſelfe to thee, as a partner with thee, in weale and woe; yea, the Lord hath committed her to thee in truſt, for her good, and hath giuen thee power to gouerne her, and thou muſt one day, ſtand before him to giuegive an account how thou haſt carried thy ſelfe towards her.
If then thou beare any louelove to thy ſelfe, if thou wouldeſt not (as much as in thee is) denie that Chriſt loues his Church, and ſo ſhew that Chriſt his louelove hath not yet warmed thine heart, and if thou wouldeſt not be found vnfaithfull to the Lord, who hath committed thy wife to thee for her good, and is able and will (without repentance) puniſh thy breach of truſt in hell fire, then be thou ſtirred vp in the feare of God to louelove thy wife as thy ſelfe, looke what good thou doeſt wiſh in thine heart to thy ſelfe, wiſh the ſame to thy wife, dwell with her as a man of knowledge; frame thy ſelfe to beare with her naturall infirmities, and knowe withall thus much, that louelove in the husband and feare in the wife, are the ſinewes of a well ordered houſe, and they make a ſweet hamonie, if louelove and feare harbour vnderunder one roofe and lodge in one bed, they make a bleſſed conſent, and good agreement, and if louelove bee wanting in the husband, bitterneſſe is the wiues portion, as the Apoſtle heere ſaith, and if feare bee wanting in the wife, it were better for the husband to dwell in a corner of the houſe toppe, then with ſuch a woman in a wide houſe, Prou. 21.19. therefore let both husband and wife make conſcience of their duties one to another.
There is one thing further to bee obſerued in this verſe.
We may obſerue, that the Apoſtle makes louelove in the husband to his wife, and vnkind, hard, & rigorous dealing with her, oppoſite and contrary one to another, yea, as Doct. 3 contrarie as ſweet and bitter, he ſaith, husbands louelove your wiues,Vnkinde and hard dealing with the wife, either in word or deed, cannot ſtand with that louelove that ought to be in the husband to his wife. and be not bitter vntounto them.
Whence it is cleare, that vnkinde and hard dealing with the wife, either in word or deede, cannot ſtand with that louelove the Holy Ghoſt heere requires of husbands, bitterneſſe and ſweeteneſſe can neuer meete together in one and the ſame ſubiect, no more can hard dealing and louelove bee found in one and the ſame husband, if the husband bee rigorus and bitter to his wife, hee is voyd of that louelove and ſweetneſſe that ought to be in him, and therefore it cannot bee, Vſe. that there is any dramme of true louelove to the wife in that husband, who is violent and monſtrous in his dealing with her, who doth beate and bunch his wife,Reproofe of ſuch husbands as are violent in their dealing with their wiues, and doe beate and bunch them. and with extreame violence miſ-vſe her, that manner of dealing cannot ſtand with louelove to the wife, the husband that ſo deales with his wife is a monſter amongſt men, and fitter to liue in Bedlem then in a ciuill ſociety: for indeede it is the part of a madde man to ſtrike his owne fleſh, as hee doth who ſtrikes his owne wife.
Object. Oh but ſay ſome, what if the wife be extreamely out of order, and no other meanes will breake her ſtout ſtomacke and bring her into order?
I anſwer Anſw. thee:
Haſt thou vſed all other good meanes, ſeruing to that purpoſe? haſt thou admoniſhed her, ſharpely reprooued her, as Iob did his wife, Iob 2 10. yet ſo as thy admonition and reprofe hath been without bitternes and paſſion, and with a mercifull heart towards her, and ſo as ſhee might perceiue thou ſoughteſt her good, and not to eaſe thy ſelfe on her? haſt thou ſo done? commonly this obiection comes from men that neuer vſe any other good meanes, but onelyonly in their violent paſſion of anger (which is a madneſſe for the time) or in their drunken fit ſtrike their wiues vponupon the leaſt occaſion, yea, ſometimes without any occſion at all, but bee it ſo, thou haſt vſed all other meanes, yet thou mayſt iuſtly doubt, whether ſtriking of thy wife, be a lawfull & good meanes or no, thou findeſt no expreſſe warrant for it in the booke of God, as thou doeſt for ſmiting thy childe with the rodde, Prouerbs 23.14. and in many other places, and for buffetting of thy ſeruant, 1. Peter 2.20. but for ſtriking of thy wifeNo warrant in Scripture for ſtriking of the wife. thou haſt no ſuch expreſſe warrant in the word of God, but grant this, that a man may ſtrike his wife, as hee may cut and launce his owne fleſh in the time of ſome great extreamity, when no other meanes will ſerue, hee hath a ſore on his arme or legge, that of neceſſity muſt bee cut and launced, and a man in this caſe may cut or launce his owne fleſh, yet bee thou as hardly drawen to ſtrike thy wife, as a man in that eaſe would bee to cut or launce his owne fleſh, euen in the greateſt extremity will a man hardly bee drawen to cut or launce his owne fleſh, not one amongſt ten thouſand can finde in his heart to doe it himſelfe, and with his owne hand, hee will hardly ſuffer another to doe it, it will grinde and greeue him to ſuffer it to bee done by another, bee thou as hardly drawen to ſtrike thy wife, nay rather forbeare to doe it▪ becauſe thou canſt not finde that as a meanes ſanctified of God, to worke any good vponupon thy wife; and let all husbands that are bitter to their wiues in this kinde, and in their paſſion do ſtrike them, know, that they beare no true louelove to their wiues, they are monſters amongſt men, yea, they are odious in the ſight both of God and men.