Micro-Cosmography, Part 39 – Part 51
41. A plausible Man.
IS one that would faine run an eeuen path in the world, and iutt against no man. His endeuour is not to offend, and his ayme the generall opinion. His conuersation is a kind of continued Complement, and his life a practise of manners. The relation hee beares to others, a kind of fashionable respect, not friendship, but friendlines, which is equall to all and … and his kindnesses seldome exceed courtesies. Hee loues not deeper mutualities, because hee would not take sides, nor hazard himselfe on displeasures, which he principally auoids. At your first acquaintance with him he is exceeding kind and friendly, and at your twentieth meeting after but friendly still. He has an excellent command ouer his patience and tongue, especially the last, which hee accommodates alwayes to the times and persons, and speakes seldome what is sincere, but what is ciuill. He is one that vses al companies, drinkes all healths, and is reasonable coole in all Religions. He can listen to a foolish discourse with an applausiue attention, and conceale his Laughter at Non-sense. Silly men much honour and esteeme him, because by his faire reasoning with them as with men of vnderstanding, he puts them into an erroneous opinion of them selues, and makes them forwarder heereafter to their owne discouerie. He is one rather well thought on then belou'd, and that louelove hee ha's is more of whole companies together then any one in particular. Men gratifie him notwithstanding with a good report, and what euer vices he ha's besides, yet hauing no enemies, he is sure to be an honest fellow.
42. The Worlds wise Man.
IS an able and sufficient wicked man, it is a proofe of his sufficiency that hee is not called wicked, but wise. A man wholy determin'd in himselfe and his owne ends, and his instruments herein any thing that will doe it. His friends are a part of his engines, and as they serue this worke, vs'd or laid by. Indeed hee knowes not this thing of friend, but if hee giuegive you the name, it is a signe he ha's a plot on you. Neuer more actiue in his businesses, then when they are mixt with some harme to others: and tis his best play in this Game to strike off and lie in the place. Sucsessfull commonly in these vndertakings, because he passes smoothly those rubs which others stumble at, as Conscience and the like: and gratulates himselfe much in this aduantage: Oathes and falshood he counts the neerest way, and loues not by any meanes to goe about. Hee has many fine quips at this folly of plaine dealing, but his tush is greatest at Religion, yet hee vses this too, and Vertue, and good Words, but is lesse dangerously a Diuel then a Saint. He ascribes all honestie to an vnpractis'dnesse in the World: and Conscience a thing meerely for Children. Hee scornes all that are so silly to trust him, and onelyonly not scornes his enemie; especially if as bad as himselfe: He feares him as a man well arm'd, and prouided, but sets boldly on good natures, as the most vanquishable. One that seriously admires those worst Princes, as Sforza, Borgia, and Richard the Third: and cals matters of deepe villany things of difficultie. To whom murders are but resolute Acts, and Treason a businesse of great consequence. One whom two or three Countries make vp to this compleatnesse, and he ha's traueld for the purpose. His deepest indearment is a communication of mischiefe, and then onelyonly you hauehave him fast. His conclusion is commonly one of these two, either a Great Man, or hang'd.
43. A Bowle Alley.
IS the place where there are three things throwne away beside Bowls, to wit, time, money and curses, and the last ten for one. The best Sport in it is the Gamesters, and he enioyes it that lookes on and bets not. It is the Schoole of wrangling, and worse then the Schooles, for men will cauill heere for an haires breadth, and make a stirre where a straw would end the controuersie. No Anticke, screwes mens bodies into such strange flexures, and you would think them senslesse, to speak sense to to their Bowle, and put their trust in intreaties for a good cast. The Betters are the factious noise of the Alley, or the gamesters beadsmen that pray for them. They are somewhat like those that are cheated by great Men, for they lose their mony & must say nothing. It is the best discouery of humors, especially in the losers, where you hauehave fine variety of impatience, whilst some fret, some raile, some sweare, and others more ridiculously comfort themselues with Philosophy. To giuegive you the Morall of it; It is the Em…leme of the world, or the worlds ambition: where most are short, or ouer, or wide or wrong-Byas'r, and some few iustle in to the Mistris Fortune. And it is here as in the Court, where the nearest are most spighted, and all blowes aym'd at the Toucher.
44. A Surgeon.
IS one that has some businesse about his Building or little house of man, whereof Nature is as it were the Tyler, and hee the Playsterer. It is ofter out of reparations, then an old Parsonage, and then he is set on worke to patch it againe. Hee deales most with broken Commodities, as a broken Head, or a mangled face, and his gaines are very ill got, for he liues by the hurts of the Common-wealth. He differs from a Physitian as a sore do's from a disease, or the sicke from those that are not whole, the one distempers you within, the other blisters you without. He complaines of the decay of Valour in these daies, and sighes for that slashing Age of Sword and Buckler; and thinkes the Law against Duels, was made meerly to wound his Vocation. Hee had beene long since vndone, if the charitie of the Stewes had not relieued him, from whom he ha's his Tribute as duely as the Pope, or a wind-fall sometimes from a Tauerne, if a quart Pot hit right. The rarenesse of his custome maks him pittilesse when it comes: and he holds a Patient longer then our Courts a Cause. Hee tels you what danger you had beene in if he had staide but a minute longer, and though it bee but a prickt finger, hee makes of it much matter. He is a reareasonable cleanely man, considering the Scabs hee ha's to deale with, & your finest Ladies now and then are beholding to him for their best dressings. Hee curses old Gentlewomen, and their charity that maks his Trade their Almes: but his enuie is neuer stir'd so much as when Gentlemen goe ouer to sight vponupon Calice Sands, whome hee wishes drown'd ere they come there, rather then the French shall get his Custome.
45. A Shee-precise. Hypocrite.
IS one in whom good Women suffer, and hauehave their truth mis-interpreted by her folly.
She is one, she knows not what her selfe if you aske her, but shee is indeed one that ha's taken a toy at the fashion of Religion, and is enamour'd of the Newfangle. See is a Nonconformist in a close Stomacher and Ruffe of Geneua Print, and her puritie consists much in her Linnen. Shee ha's heard of the Rag of Rome, and thinkes it a very sluttish Religion, and rayles at the Whore of Babylon for a very naughty Woman. Shee ha's left her Virginity as a Relique of Popery, and marries in her Tribe without a Ring. Her deuotion at the Church is much in the turning vp of her eye, and turning downe the lease in her Booke when shee heares nam'd Chapter and Verse. When she comes home, shee commends the Sermon for the Scripture, and two houres. She loues Preaching better then Praying, and of Preachers Lecturers, and thinkes the Weeke-dayes Exercise farre more edifying then the Sundaies. Her oftest Gossippings are Sabaoth-dayes iourneyes, where (though an enemy to Superstition) shee will goe in Pilgrimage fiue mile to a silenc'd Minister, when there is a better Sermon in her owne Parish. Shee doubts of the Virgin Marie's Saluation, and dare not Saint her, but knowes her own place in heauen as perfectly, as the Pew shee ha's a key to. Shee is so taken vp with Faith, shee ha's no roome for Charity, and vnderstands no good Workes, but what are wrought on the Sampler. She accounts nothing Vices but Superstition, and an Oath, and thinkes Adultery a lesse sinne, then to sweare by my Truely. Shee rayles at other Women by the names of Iezabel and Dalilah: and calls her owne daughters Rebecka and Abigail, and not Anne but Hannah. She suffers them not to learne on the Virginalls, because of their affinity with the Organs, but is reconcil'd to the Bells for the Chymes sake, since they were reform'd to the tune of a Psalme. She ouer flowes so with the Bible, that she spils it vponupon eueryevery occasion, and wil not Cudgell her Maides without Scripture. It is a question whether shee is more troubled with the Diuell or the Diuell with her: shee is alwayes challenging and daring him, and her weapons are Spels no lesse potent then different, as being the sage Sentences of some of her owne Sectaries. No thing angers her so much as that Woemen cannot Preach, and in this point onelyonly thinkes the Brownist erroneous: but what shee cannot at the Church, shee do's at the Table, where she prattles more then any against sense, and Antichrist, till a Capon wing silence her. Shee expounds the Priests of Baal Reading Ministers, and thinkes the Saluation of that Parish as desperate as the Turkes. Shee is a maine derider to her capacitie of those that are not her Preachers, and censures all Sermons but bad ones. If her Husband be a Tradsman, shee helpes him to Customers, how soeuer to good cheere, and they are a most faithfull couple at these meetings, for they neuer faile. Her Conscience is like others Lust neuer satisfied, and you might better answere Scotus then her Scruples. Shee is one that thinkes shee performes all her duty to God in hearing, and shewes the fruits of it in talking. Shee is more fiery against the May-pole then her Husband, and thinkes he might doe a Phinehas his act to break the pate of the Fiddler. She is an euerlasting Argument; but I am weary of her.
46. A Contemplatiue Man.
IS a Scholler in this great Vniuersity the World; and the same his Booke and Study. Hee cloysters not his Meditations in the narrow darknesse of a Roome, but sends them abroad with his Eyes, and his Braine trauels with his Feete. He looks vponupon Man from a high Tower, and sees him trulyer at this distance in his Infirmities and poorenesse. He scornes to mixe himselfe in mens actions; as he would to act vponupon a Stage; but sits aloft on the Scaffold a censuring Spectator. Nature admits him as a partaker of her Sports, and asks his approbation as it were of her owne Workes, and variety. Hee comes not in Company, because hee would not be solitary, but findes Discourse enough with himselfe, and his owne thoughts are his excellent play-fellowes. He lookes not vponupon a thing as a yawning Stranger at nouelties; but his search is more mysterious and inward, and hee spels Heauen out of earth. He knits his obseruations together, and makes a Ladder of them all to climbe to God. He is free from vice, because he has no occasion to imploy it, and is aboue those ends that make men wicked. He ha's learnt all can heere be taught him, and comes now to Heauen to see more.
47. An Aturney.
HIs Ancient beginning was a blue coat, since a liuery, and his hatching vnderunder a Lawer; whence though but pen-feather'd, hee hath now nested for himselfe, and with his horded pence purchast an Office. Two Deskes, and a quire of Pader set him vp, where he now sits in state for all commers. We can-call him no great Anthor, yet he writes very much, and with the infamy of the Court is maintain'd in his libels. Hee ha's some smatch of a Scholler, and yet vses Latine very hardly, and le…t it should accuse him, cuts it off in the midst, and will not let it speake, out. He is contrary to great men, maintained by his followers, that is his poore country Clients, that worship him more then their Landlord, and be there neuer such churles, he lookes for their curtesie. He first racks them soundly himselfe, and then deliuers them to the Lawier for execution. His looks are very solicitous importing much hast and dispatch, he is neuer without his hanfull of businesse, that is, of paper. His skin becomes at last as dry as his parchment and his face as intricate as the most winding cause. He talkes Statutes as fiercely, as if he had mooted seuen yeers in the Inns of Court; when all his skill is stucke in his girdle, or in his office window. Strife and wrangling hauehave made him rich, and he is thankfull to his benefactor, and nourishes it. If he liue in a Country village, he makes all his neighbours good Subiects; for there shall be nothing done but what there is law for. His businesse giues him not leaue to thinke of his conscience, and when the time, or terme of his life is going out, for Doomes-day he is secure; for he hopes he has a tricke to reuerse iudgement.
48. A Scepticke in Religion.
IS one that hangs in the ballance with all sorts of opinions, whereof not one but stirres him and none swayes him. A man guiltier of credulity then he is taken to bee; for it is out of his beleefe of eueryevery thing, that hee fully beleeues nothing. Each Religion scarres him from it's contrary: none perswades him to it selfe. Hee would be wholy a Christian, but that he is something of an Atheist, and wholy an Atheist, but that hee is partly a Christian; and a perfect Heretick, but that there are so many to distract him. He finds reason in all opinions, truth in none: indeed the least reason perplexes him, and the best will not satisfie him. He is at most a confus'd and wild Christian, not specializ'd, by any forme, but capable of all. He vses the Lands Religion, because it is next him, yet he sees not why hee may not take the other, but he chuses …his, not as better, but because there is not a pin to choose. He finds doubts and sernples better then resolues them, and is alwayes too hard for himselfe. His Learning is too much for his brayne; and his iudgment too little for his learning, and his oueropinion of both spoyls all Pity it was his mischance of being a Scholler; for it do's only distract and irregulate him & the world by him. He hammers much in generall vponupon our opinions vncertainety, and the possibility of erring makes him not venture on what is true. He is troubled at this naturalnesse of Religion to Countries, that Protestantisme should bee borne so in England and Popery abroad, and that fortune and the Starres should so much share in it. He likes not this connexion of the Common-weale, and Diuinity, and feares it may be an Arch-practice of State. In our differences with Rome he is strangely vnfix't, and a new man eueryevery new day, as his last discourse-books Meditations transport him. Hee could like the gray haires of Poperie, did not some dotages there stagger him; hee would come to vsus sooner, but our new name affrights him. He is taken with their Miracles but doubts an imposture; hee conceiues of our Doctrine better; but it seemes too empty and naked. He cannot driue into his fancy the circumscription of Truth to our corner, and is as hardly perswaded to thinke their old Legends true. He approues wel of our Faith, and more of their workes, and is sometimes much affected at the zeale of Amsterdam. His conscience interposes it selfe betwixt Duellers, and whillst it would part both, is by both wounded. He will somtimes propend much to vsus vponupon the reading a good Writer, and at Bellarmine recoyles as farre backe againe; and the Fathers iustle him from one side to another Now Sosinaas and Vorstius afr…sh torture him, and he agrees with none worse then himselfe. He puts his foot into Heresies tenderly as a Cat in the water, and pulls it out againe, and still something vnanswer'd delayes him yet he beares away some parcell of each, and you may sooner picke all Religions out of him then one, He cannot thinke so many wise men should be in error, nor so many honest men out of the way and his wounder is dubled, when he sees these oppose one annother. He hates authority as the Tyrant of reason, and you cannot anger him worse then with a Fathers dixit, and yet that many are not perswaded with reason, shall authorize his doubt. In summe, his whole life is a question, and his saluation a greater, which death onelyonly concludes, and then he is resolu'd.
47. A Partiall Man.
IS the opposite extreame to a Defamer, for the one speakes ill falsly, and the other well, and both slander the Truth. He is one that is still weighing men in the Scale of Comparisons, and puts his affection in the one ballance, and that swayes. His friend alwayes shall doe best, and you shall rarely heare good of his enemy. Hee considers first the man, and then the thing, and restraines all merit to what they deserue of him. Commendations hee esteemes not the debt of Worth, but the requitall of kindnesse: and if you aske his reason, shewes his Interest, and tels you how much he is beholding to that Man. Hee is one that ties his iudgement to the Wheele of Fortune, and they determine giddily both alike. He preferres England before other Countries, because he was borne there, and Oxford before other Vniuersities, because hee was brought vp there, and the best Scholler there, is one of his owne Colledge and the best Schooler there is one of his friends. Hee is a great fauourer of great persons, and his argument is still that which should bee Antecedent, as he is in high place, therefore vertuous, he is prefer'd, therefore worthy. Neuer aske his opinion, for you shall heare but his faction, and he is indifferent in nothing but Conscience. Men esteeme him for this a zealous affectionate, but they mistake him many times, for hee does it but to bee esteemed so. Of all men hee is worst to write an Historie, for hee will praise a Seianus or Tiberius, and for some pettie respect of his all posteritie shall bee cosen'd.
50. A Trumpeter.
IS the Elephant with the great Trunke, for hee eates nothing but what comes through this way. His Profession is not so worthy as to occasion insolence, and yet no man so much puft vp. His face is as Brazen as his Trumpet, and (which is worse) as a Fidlers, from whom hee differeth onelyonly in this, that his impudence is dearer. The Sea of Drinke, and much wind make a Storme perpetually in his Cheeks, and his looke is like his noyse, blustering and tempestuous. Hee wa's whilome the sound of Warre, but now of Peace; yet as terrible as euer, for wheresoere hee comes they are sure to pay for't. He is the common attendant of glittering folkes, whether in the Court or Stage, where he is alwaies the Prologues Prologue. He is somewhat in the nature of a Hogshed shrillest when he is empty; when his belly is full hee is quiet enough. No man proues life more to bee a blast, or himselfe a bubble, and he is like a counterfeit Bankrupt, thriues best when he is blowne vp.
50. A vulgar-spirited Man.
IS one of the heard of World. One that followes meerely the common crye, and makes it louder by one. A man that loues none but who are publikely affected, and he will not be wiser then the rest of the Towne. That neuer ownes a friend after an ill name, or some generall imputation though he knowes it most vnworthy. That opposes to reason, Thus men say, and thus most doe, and thus the world goes, and thinkes this enough to poyse the other. That worships men in place, and those onelyonly, and thinkes all a great man speakes Oracles. Much taken with my Lords I…st, and repeats you it all to a sillable. One that iustifies nothing out of fashion, nor any opinion out of the applauded way. That thinkes certainly all Spaniards and Iesuites very villaines, and is still cursing the Pope and Spynola. One that thinkes the grauest Cassocke the best Scholler: and the best Clothes the finest man. That is taken onelyonly with broad and obscoene wit, and hisses any thing too deepe for him. That cries Chaucer for his Money aboue all our English Poets, because the voice ha's gone so, and hee ha's read none. That is much rauisht with such a Noble-mans courtesie, and would venture his life for him, because he put off his Hat. One that is formost still to kisse the Kings hand, and cries God blesse his Maiestie loudest. That rayles on all men condemn'd and out of fauour, and the first that sayes away with the Traytors: yet struck with much ruth at Executions, and for pittie to see a man die, could kill the Hang-man. That comes to London to see it, and the pretty things in it, and the chiefe cause of his iourney the Beares: That measures the happinesse of the Kingdome, by the cheapnesse of corne; and conceiues no harme of State, but il trading. Within this compasse too, come those that are too much wedg'd into the world, and hauehave no lifting thoughts aboue those things that call to thriue, to doe well, and Preferment onelyonly the grace of God. That ayme all Studies at this marke, & shew you poore Schollers as an example to take heed by. That thinke the Prison and want, a Iudgement for some sin, and neuer like well hereafter of a Iayle-bird. That know no other Content but wealth, brauery, and the Towne-Pleasures; that thinke all else but idle speculation, and the Philosophers, mad-men: In short, men that are carried away with all outwardnesses, shews, appearances, the streame, the people; for there is no man of worth but has a piece of singularity, and scornes something.
32. A Herald.
IS the spawne, or indeed but the resultancie of Nobility, and to the making of him went not a Generation, but a Genealogie. His Trade is Honour, and hee sells it, and giues Armes himselfe, though hee be no Gentleman. His bribes are like those of a corrupt Iudge, for they are the prices of blood. He seemes very rich in discourse, for he tels you of whole fields of gold and siluer, Or & Argent, worth much in French, but in English nothing. He is a great diuer in the streames or issues of Gentrie, and not a by-Channell of bastard escapes him, yet he dos with them like some shamelesse Queane, fathers more children on them, then euer they begot. His Trafficks is a kind of Pedlery ware, Scutchions, and Pennons and little Daggers, and Lyons, such as Children esteeme and Gentlemen: but his peni-worths are rampant, for you may buy three whole Brawns cheaper, then three Boars heads of him painted. Hee was somtimes the terrible Coat of Mars, but is now for more mercifull Battels in the Tilt-yard, where whosoeuer is victorious, the spoiles are his. Hee is an Art in England, but in Wales Nature, where they are borne with Heraldry in their mouthes, and each Name is a Pedegree.
52. A Plodding Student.
IS a kind of Alchymist or, Persecurer of Nature, that would change the dull lead of his Brain into finer mettle with successe, many times as vnprosperous, or at least not quitting the cost, to wit, of his owne Oyle and Candles. He ha's a strange forc't appetite to Learning, and to atchieue it brings nothing but patience and a body. His Studie is not great but continuall, and consists much in the sitting vp till after Midnight in a Rug-gowne, and a Night-cap to the vanquishing perhaps of some sixe lines: yet what hee ha's, he ha's perfect, for he reads it so long to vnderstand it, till he gets it without Booke. Hee may with much industry make a breach into Logicke, and ariue at some ability in an Argument: but for politer Studies hee dare not skirmish with them, and for Poetry accounts it impregnable. His Inuention is no more then the finding out of his Papers, and his few gleanings there, and his disposition of them is as iust as the Book-binders, a setting or glewing of them together. Hee is a great discomforter of young Students, by telling them what trauell it ha's cost him, and how often his braine turn'd at Philosophy, and makes others feare Studying as a cause of Duncery. Hee is a man much giuen to Apothegms which serue him for wit, and seldome breakes any Iest, but which belong'd to some Lacedemonian or Romane in Lycosthenes. He is like a dull Cariers horse, that will go a whole weeke together but neuer out of a foot-pace: and hee that sets forth on the Saturday shall ouertake him.