The Golden Book of Christian Matrimony, Chapter 15
The. xv. Capter.
¶ How the louelove, faythfulnes, & dewty of maryed folkes, maye be kepte and increased.
HErein now ought not a maried mā to be satisfyed, that he knowethe what matrimontall louelove is, & how he shuld louelove hys spouse, but he must apply hymselfe to louelove her in dede, as y• Lord hath cōmaunded hym & not that only, but also endeuour hymselfe euer more and more, to kepe & increace the same louelove. For many there be that begynne well to louelove, but they endure not, & some ordre them selues after suche fasshiō in theyr lyuing, that they deserue rather to be hated, than loued. Therfore wyll I nowe speake a lytle hereof, how the louelove, faythfulnesse & dewty of maryed folk… maye be kept & increa ced. Fyrst, for asmuche as true louelove matrimoniall The worde of God and prayer.cōmeth of God, & is gyuen of God vntounto man, there are two speciall means (namely god des worde and the prayer of fayth) that do kepe … increace it. For if maryed folkes harkē ernest ly vntounto the worde of God, & read it, they learne dayly at it, such chynges, as augment comugall louelove. And yf they praye vntounto God withe a true fayth, that he wyll put awaye all suche thinges as maye mynysh the louelove betwene them, … helpe them vntounto it that maye increace the same, doubt lesse God shall heare them. Only let them giuegive them selues to cōtynuall prayer, and to the hearyng and readyng of Goddes worde.
Secondely. For asmuche as wedlocke m…keth One harte … wyll.of two persons one, for they two are one flesh, saythe the Lorde, therfore muste they be of one harte, wyll and mynde, and none to caste another in the tethe with hys faulte, orto pryde him of hys gyfte. Yf thy wife be not al togyther circumspecte and handsome, and God hath endewed the wyth wysdom and actiuite, than boast not thy selfe agaynste thy wyfe, but remember howe God hathe prouided the for her in maryage, to the intent that thou shouldest supple her imperfection, and that ye both doynge your best togyther, myghte be one perfecte bodye. If the wyfe be rytche, and the husbande poore, then let not the wyfe boast her rytches agaynste the husbande, One castuo… another in y• teth.but considre, that thorowe mariage, her goodes are become her husbandes also. For mariage is a mutuall felowshyp & partakyng of al thynges. The bodye lyke wyse is more of value than the goodes. Seynge, then that thy body is thy husbandes, muche more are thy goodes his. And thus must eueryevery one of you iudge in others giftes, yt what so euer the one spouse hathe more excellent then the other, the same, thorowe mari age, is his spouses aswell as his owne.
Thyrdly, it doth greatly increase louelove, whan …eruice and …wshyp.the one faythefully seruethe the other, whan in thynges concernyng mariage the one hideth no secretes nor priuities from the other, whā of all that euer they optayne or get, they hauehave but one comon purse togither, the one lockyng vppe nothyng from the other, whan the one is faythfull to the other in eatynge, drynckynge and all necessite, whan the one harkenneth to the other, & whan the one thyncketh no scorne of the other, & whan in matters concernynge the rule of the house, the one wyll be councelled and aduised by the tother. But muche discorde commeth of it, whan the one hateth and wyll not suffer them, whome the tother loueth and can not forsake, as namely a mans frend, father, mother, syster, bro ther, and such other lyke.
Fourthely, let the one learne euer to be obsequious Obsequiou… ….& seruiseable to ye other in al other thīges And this shall come to passe, yf ye one note what thyng the other can awaye wyth all, and what pleaseth him. And so from henceforth to meddle with the one and eschew the other. Some wiues are so frowarde, that whan theyr husbandes are mery, they are sadde: And contrary wyse, there be diuers men, that fyrst desyre to meddle wythe that thyng, whiche they perceaue y• theyr wyues Thynges … be eschewedcan not awaye wythal. Some nether canne nor wyl heare theyr infirmities more nor lesse. Som tyme whan the wyfe is sad and disquietted, then wyll the husbande hauehave to muche sporte and pastyme of her. And sometyme if the husbande be displeased, than the wyfe wyth spytefull wordes and wanton fashyons prouokethe hym to more anger. Some hadde rather hauehave theyr backe full of strypes, than to holde theyr tonges and forbeare a lytle. But where the vnderstondyng of obsequye and obedience is, then lette eueryevery one remember that the other hath the nature of mankynde in hym, and is tempted, lette the one lende to the other somewhat in temptacion, forbeare wythe hym, & gyue hym the place gentylly for a tyme. And thoughe thy spouse in hys displeasure do happen for to speake an vnkynde or vnientyl worde, yet thynke that it was not he, but wrath that spake it.
Fyfthly. There is no manner of thyng, that Humilite … gentylnes.more strongly kepethe and increasethe louelove matrimoniall, then doth curtesy, kyndenesse, playnnesse and gentylnesse in wordes, manners and dedes. But there be diuers marryed parsonnes, among whome is not foūd a good worde, but al way brawlyng, chidyng & discorde. And yet fyll they all the world wyth complayntes, what a mi serable lyfe they hauehave togyther. And they them selues neuerthelesse are gylty of theyr owne mis chefe. Let them leue theyr churlyshe fashons, and be frendely and louyng one to another, and then shall they come to rest. And if happely they can not excell in that behalfe, yet lette them shewe a good mynde and louynge wyll in theyr wordes and dedes, & so shall an honest vertuous spouse be contented therwythe. For euident it is, that many a man wolde fayne be endewed wyth humanite and gentlenes. And yet by the means of imperfeccion, not for any frowardnes, he canne not. One man also is of an heuyer nature than another.
Syrtely, it lykewyse heapeth and encreasethe They muste secretly ke…e no euell▪ myn des, but tell theyr grefe.louelove matrimoniall, whan the parties swell not one agaynst another, and whan eyther openeth to the other theyr grefe in due tyme, and wythe discresion. For the longer a displeasure or euell wyll reygnethe in secrete, the worsse wyll be the discord. The dyuell also sometyme maketh theyr hartes so hard & styffe, that at the last they both become croked vessels. Therfore (I saye) woulde I hauehave the due tyme obserued, bycause that there is some season in the which yf greues were shewed, it shuld make greater debate, as yf thou shuldest tell it thy husbande, when he is oute of pacience, or moued. And specially who so speaketh to a drōken man, talketh wyth hym that is not at home. Therfore Abigail perceauyng Naball her husbond to be dronken, wolde not speake her mynde vntounto hym vntyl the mornyng. i. Reg xxv. Thus ought eueryevery one to wayte his conue nient and due tyme.
Wyth discrecion, I saye, must it be done also for some shewe theyr grefes so vnmannerly, so spytefully, and so vncurteously, that they make nowe a greater discencion, than was afore. And yf the one, of a good faythfull meanyng, begyn to speake of the tother, the same shall not onelyonly take indignacion at hym wythout pacient hearyng oute of his tale, but also begynne to make spytefull rehersals agayne of the newe. Remember your selues well both of you, for if ye so continue in dissencion, brawlyng and chydyng the one wyth the other, truly ye can not hauehave Gods fauoure. For who so wyll be forgyuen of God, must and ought fyrst to be at one with his negh boure, and also to forgyue hym hys trespasse & faulte. Accordynge to the wordes of the Lorde. Math. v. vi. xviii. So sayth Paule. Ephe. iiii. Thoughe ye be angrye, yet synne not Lette not the Sonne go downe vponupon yourewrathe, neyther gyue place vntounto the backehyter. &c. Lette all bytternes, fearsnes & wrath, roaryng and cursed speakyng be put awaye from you. Be curteous one to another, and mercyfull, forgyuynge one another, euen as God for Christes sake hath for gyuen you.
Seuently chyldren begotten in wedlocke, are a very sure bonde of matrimoniall louelove. And Chyldren … gottē …n ma riagetherfore the Latinistes call them Pignora. Now is pignus as muche to saye, as a pledge, or gage or pawne. And the chyldren begotten in lawfull Pignus.marriage, are as a pledge and suerty of the louelove that can not be parted asunder. For howe canst thou at ony tyme be deuided from the marryed spouse, by whome thou haste chyldren: yf thou wylt saye. Take thou one, & I wyll take another yet hath ech of you in that one chylde, somthing which pertayneth to yourselfe. For certayne it is, that the chylde cometh of you both. God also bryngeth it so to passe, that somtyme the childrē looke lyke the father, sometyme lyke the mother, sometyme they hauehave the condicious and similitude of you both: And this God ordeyneth that the louelove maye be the greater in marryage. Nowe Mark thou wyf….when thou wyfe doste louelove those youre chyldren as thou shuldest, bryngest them well vp, arte diligent in lookyng to them, and canst take payne wyth them, then louest thou thy selfe in thy chyldren, and geueste hym also an occasion to louelove the better then he dyd, so that wyth the payne & trauayle that thou hast aboute the chyldren, he is pacyfyed: Lyke as it is in dede the dewetye of eueryevery maried man, not to be vnpaciente wythe his children, or churlish to his wyfe, which hath laboure and payne ynough all readye wyth the chyldren, al though her husband were of a gentle nature, and not doggishe.
And those wyfes, whych beynge made frutefull To brynge forth childrē is y• blessyng of god.of god, do bring forth manye chyldren, and hauehave all theyr dayes much greate payne, trauay le laboure and disquietnesse wythe them, maye not thynke (as some do) that they he more vnhay pye and infortunate, then those are that hauehave no chyldren at al. They shulde rather consydre, that to be frutefull, is in gods true eternal wor de, commended as a bl…ssynge of god, and that all such wyse and noble men as feared god hauehave euer estemed it for a singulare prosperyte, honoure and welth. Item that all holye & famous wemen of the olde testament, dyd mourne, complayne, and were ashamed of theyr vnfrutefullnesse. Upō a tyme there came a famous womā to Rome, to the noble Corne…ia Grachi, & shewed her hir treasure, as namelye hir precious Iewels, rynges and cheynes of golde, precyous Childrē are wemēs be… Iewels.stones, and ornamentes, and requyred Cornelia that she shoulde shewe her hyr Iewelles also. Then that noble Cornelia brought forthe hyr chyldren, shewed her them, and sayde, lo, thys is my worthy and precious treasure, that all my mynde standeth vntounto, yee the treasure that one ly reioyceth me, and is to me dearer then all the Iewels vponupon earth.
This dyd an Heithenish womā, What shul dest thou thē do, thou christē wife, whiche ough test by ryght to know, that god vseth y• to greate honoure, whā he causeth the to beare chyldren, which afterward may serue him and the whole countre, and maye come to be honeste folkes, & a perpetuall commendacion to the? The holy scripture also saieth euidently, that a wife is in the worke of God and seruethe hym, whan she bringeth forth chyldren, and gydeth them well. Therfore what so euer she there in dothe and suffreth, she must gladlye do it and suffre it for gods sake, & put her trust in god, that he whiche puttethe her to the payn and laboure, can also shew her both comforte and helpe, yee she may not doubte, but be certayned at goddes hand, ye Paynes takyng about chyldren: is the crosse of the wyues.what soeuer she faythfully and obedientlye suffereth and doth with the childrē in mariage it is no lesse good worke in the sight of god, then all mes geuyng, prayer, or mortifieng of the bodye. For that is hir crosse which the lord hath layed vponupon her to beare. Paul sayeth also. i. Timoth ii. The woman brought transgression into the worlde, but she shall recouer her honoure agayne by bearyng of chrildren, yf she contynue in ye fayth, in godly louelove, in the sanctifieng, and in nourtoure. This shulde Christē wiues remem bre in all their crosse, and to be glad, wyllynge, & of a good courage therin. And who hath shewed the O woman) all the grefes, anguysshes … troubles, all the paynes and miseries, that those wyfes hauehave which bring forth no chyldrē? It maye chaunce, that they hauehave more myserye and payne in another sort, then thou hast wt thy children. And that happely they hauehave here rest & good dayes, and yet fynne therin wythe pryde, deyntynesse, voluptuousnes, wantonnesse, ydel nesse, nycenesse, & such infirmities, so that here vponupon earth they get lytle honoure and worshyp therof, & must hauehave eternal payne in the world to come. This I say agaynst froward & wicked wifes, and not agaynst those that would be glad to take any payne & laboure so that they might hauehave chyldren and to lyue mekely, vertuouslye and honestlye.
The wemen also, whiche are maried vntounto such men as hauehave had children by their former Step chyldren & ster… mothers.wyues, must be ernestly exhorted, to shew them selues vntounto those motherles chyldren, no steppe… mothers frēdshyppe, but a ryght motherly faith ful kyndnesse. HaueHave cōpassiō (oh Christēwomā) vpō those yong innocēt orphās, whyche knowe not ner hauehave any cōforte ner helpe vponupon earthe, saue only the. Consydre, that god the lorde hathe ordeyned the (in steade of theyre owne mother) to be vntounto thē a right true mother, & requyre the the to louelove thē, & to do them good. Wo vntounto the yf thou do the poore motherles chyldren harme. Remēbre, that they are thyne owne husbandes naturall flessh & bloude, & that it is an vnnaturall Marke well ye Mothers in lawe.thing to hate them whych on thy husbands behalf pertayne partlye to thyne owne bodye, & are thyne owne: thynke vpō the worde of truth. With what measure ye meate, wythe the same shal it be measured to you agayne. What a great grefe wold it be to thine hert, yf thou knewest now that thine owne childrē whō thou bareste ī thy body, shulde (after thy death) hauehave a step mo ther, whiche wold be rough and churlyshe vntounto thē? Doutles those chyldrens mothers that deed is had in hir deth no lesse care for hir childrē.
Therfore as thou woldest hauehave thine owne children intreated (yf thou shouldeste now dy) so deale thou also with thē that were hers & thy hus bandes tegether. Or els loke verelye to hauehave of god the same measure that thou hast gyuen. Be sure also, that god will not heare the, whā thou prayest thy Pater noster, for as muche as thou wylte not heare the poore Orphans that cry vn to the. O dere mother. This I saye, because expe rience lea…eth, that by the reason of steppe chyl dren the louelove matrimoniall is not onelyonly …inyshed, but euen vtterly excluded. Neyther gendreth it vnite, whan a man intendynge to commend his fyrst wyfe, doth it ether out of mesure, or els fyrst of all whan he fyndeth faulte in hys newe wyfe. For such prayse doth she cō …ter to be made to her dishonoure a…d shame. Namely that her husbande in commendyng hys fyrst wyfe, dothe it to her reproche. I speake not this to the int…nt that a maryed man shulde speake euell of hys ho nest wyfe whiche is departed, but that eueryevery mā which is nowe maryed agayne, maye commend hys former wyfe in due season and wythe measure, yea & in suche a sorte, that hys present newe wy fe hauehave none occasion to thyncke, that it is done to her disprayse.
Eyghtly. The louelove matrimonial is excellētly Trouth and faythe must be kepte.well kepte and increaced thorowe nurtoure, clen lynesse, trouthe and faythe, yf they be stedfastly obserued togyther. Let the husband content hym only wyth hys wyfe, and so order hymselfe with wordes, manners and gestures, that the wyfe maye perceaue, that he holdethe hym onelyonly vntounto her. Let the wyfe kepe no lesse trouthe and fayth beyng honest and not shameles toward her husband. Agayne, let her gyue hym due beneuolēce, and be not contrary vntounto hym, nor brawle with hym. For suche frowardnesse gyueth ofte great occasion, and ministreth improiment to matrimony. Wh…rfore lette eueryevery one here remember the wordes of S. Paule. For the auoydynge of whordome, let eueryevery man hauehave his wyfe. There hath not the wyfe power of her owne body, but the husbande. Agayne, the husband hath not power of hys owne bodye, but the wyfe. &c. as we sayd afore in the tenth Chapter.
Let eueryevery woman also beware of misgouernauuce Clenlynesse.& sluttyshnesse in raymēt, yea in eueryevery thyng, that wythe vnclennesse she make not her selfe hated of her husbande. Lykewyse must they bothe beware of eueryevery thyng that prouokethe to aduoutry, or ministreth any vnfaythfull suspi cion. As it is to be droncken, to hauehave wanton or priuy communicaciō, to vse euell company and lyke pastyme to hauehave fellowshyp wyth lyght per Note thys well.sonnes, to resorte vntounto suspicious places, to stōd wyth suspicious folkes, to were wantonne rayment to be euer at lyght games, to renne to eueryevery daunce, to playe in eueryevery strete, to tary lytle at home, to be lesse content at home then any where, to murmour, chyde, and to sygh at home. et cetera.
An honest wyfe ought not behynde her husbandes backe to haunt ony euell company, to be Conuersaciōbācketted, nether to go ony where wythout her husbādes knowledge & leaue. Much lesse ought she to take vponupon her ony farre iourney. And if her husband be gone forth, or be not at home, let her holde her selfe as a wydowe and lyue quietly, & bryng no man into the house in the meane season, nether ronne oute: nor byd gestes, to the intēt that ther grow no euel name nor fame vn to her therthorow. Nether shulde the one to the other, boast or shewe of suspicious gyftes & presentes. Nether the husbande to commende other wiues afore hys owne or aboue his owne. Nether is it the wyues parte to excead in praysyng another womans husbande, lest the one suspecte the other. Thy wyfe must take the for fayrest, & Good …thy husbād must holde the for ye best fauoured.
And for asmuche as gelousy is a speciall euell Gelousy.disease, and a great noysome plage in wedlocke, therfore maryed persons must put it awaye, or at the leest, and asmuche as in thē lyeth tame it and suppresse it: And namely beware thou wyfe that thou impute not aduoutry vntounto thyne husband, because he sometyme hath spokē with ano ther woman, or looked at her. Agayne, thou husbande must not be so sore tempted, as to mysintreate, to blame or to smyte thy innocent wyfe, nether to laye vntounto her suche thynges as she neuer thought vponupon. Lykewyse thou husband may est not deny thy wyfe to make conuentent and honest chere wyth honest folkes. For though all Women and horses muste be wel gouer ned.olde wyse and prudent men would hauehave womē & horses kepte in good nourtour & gouernaūce, yet maye there be to mu…he done herein, as well as in other thynges. There is an old Prouerbe also. The bowe wyll breake, if it be to sore bent. Item, No thyng maye continue that is not borne vp. Therfore an honest marryed mā shulde forbyd his wyfe no conuenient honest myrthe, but gyue her leaue, to the intent that she maye afterward be the more wyllyng wyth the chyldren, and in other trauayle & paynes takynge…
It besemeth no discrete honest husbād, to com Boasting or pray…ynge.mend his wyfe to much before other men. Collatinus Tarquinius lost his noble wyfe Lucre tia, thorow his inordinate praysyug of her. Yet much lesse becommeth it the to be shamelesse in disclosynge the priuities of mariage, as many fylthy personnes vse to do. Lykewyse besimethe it no man to prouoke hys wyfe in bryngyng in naughty personnes, or in kepyng thē styll there in his house, nether to cause his wife to be spokē of. Yf Menelaus had kepte Paris without, he had saued Helena his wyfe. Neuerthelesse eueryevery honest wyfe muste faythfully and at all tymes kepe her honeste, thoughe her wycked husbande gyue her many prouocacions. Remembre all waye the sentence of Salomon. Whā a womā Honeste is … womās chefe treasure.leaseth her honeste, than hathe she lost her chefe treasure, nether hathe she any more, but is contempned & despysed, as the myre of the stretes.
Hereto seruethe it also, that the wyfe maye Behhueours wyth seruaū tes.not make her selfe to familiare, to frendly, or to pryuy wyth her seruaūtes or housholde folkes, leest they shoulde be bolde to talke, to ieaste, or without reuerence to behaue them selues withe her, as one seruynge mayde woulde do wythe another. Thou wylte saye: I canne not be so …oysterous nor shewe my selfe so terrible. Nowe go to, if thou wylte not be feared in the house as a dame, yet hold the so vntounto them, that they may stande in awe of the, that they be not to rashe and to bolde of the, but shewe the reuerence, beyng shamefast and well manered towarde the, as to the mother in the house. For thou oughtest A good lessō for wyues.with no man to be so familiare, so frendely, and so homely as wyth thy husband. Lykewyse also must menne behaue themselues vntounto theyr maydens in the house, and commyt all the rule and punyshmēt of them vntounto theyr wyues, and not to meddle wythe the seruauntes agaynste them, excerte the wyfe wolde deale vnreasonably and wylfully wyth theyr poore seruauntes. Cōtrary wyse, the wyfe must not take vpō her the rule or punyshment of the men seruauntes. For hereof commeth great vnite: Lyke as whā the husband medleth to muche with the women seruauntes, and the wyfe wyth the menseruaū tes, there ryseth great suspicion and discencion amonge marryed folkes.