The Drunkards Character, Section 64 – Section 66
§ 64.
SEcondly,2. To drive away time. they drinke that they may drive away time; for every houre, seemes a day, and every day a monethmonth, to an idle person, which is not spent in a Tap-house; whereby with that Strumpet in the Proverbs, Chap. 7. Vers. 11. their feet can never abide in their owne howses, for you shall seldome finde a drunkard at home, when you need him; but lay your plot to seeke him in a Taverne (as whether next, but to all the Tavernes in the Town) or perhaps at a Play house, (for a Play-house, or so, onelyonly keeps him sober, and makes him an afternoone's man) and it stands upon a good foundation.
Yea, they seeme to have nailed their eares to the doores of a Taverne, and to have agreed with Sathan, Master it is good being here, let us build, &c. for be they never so long in a Taverne, they thinke not the time long; yea, they curse the Clock for hast, and are angry that they cannot with Ioshua, make the Sunne stand still, or keepe the Moone from going downe; not till they confound the Amorites, but till these Amorites work each others confusion: they wish that the day might bee corrupted, and that the night would take bribes, if it proves any way an impediment unto them; else there they live, nay, there they dye daily, as Chrysostome speakes.
As come to a mans house, and where is he? his wife knowes not; aske the servants, they know not; when will he bee at home? they cannot tell you; yes, they can, but they blush to speake; forsooth the matter is this, there is his house, but his dwelling is at the Ale-house, except all his money bee spent; and then if his wife will fetch him home with a Lanthorne, and his men with a Barrowe, hee comes with as much sense as Michol's image had; else Sunne and Moone goe over his head, till hee hath s…ept himselfe sober, and watcht himselfe drunke. For as if loosing their times were nothing, while they are in a drinking-schoole, they are bound by their Law of good fellowship (and would be so, were there no such Law) to bee powring in at their mouths, or whiffing out at their noses, one serving as a shooing horne to the other; for Tobacco being hot and dry, must have a qualifier of cold and moist from the pot; and that again being cold and moist, must have a qualifier of hot and dry from the Pipe; which makes them like ratsband Rats, drinke and vent, vent and drink, Sellengers-round, and the same againe.
To which purpose every one hath his purveyance at either elbow, a Jurden for his Urine, on the one side; and a Bowle for his vomit, on the other; that when with their excessive beszeling they have filled their skins, and are full gorged, they may empty themselves at pleasure; which they can doe, by only putting their finger to their throate; though some, without ever forcing themselves, will vomit, as if they were so many live Whales, spewing up the Ocean, which done they can drink againe afresh.
Yet to whet on their appetites the better, and because it is heynous to all supervisors of the Panchery, either not to goe out full bellied, or not to come in full handed; up comes a service of shooing-horns of all sorts; as Rashers on the coles, Red Herrings, a Gammon of Bacon, Caveary, Anchovise, and abundance of such pulle…s on; and then begins the full pots to go round about the Table, and the empty against the walles.
Neither is it possible the appetite of these Leeches should ever bee satisfied, seeing they have a hundred devices, naturall, artificial wickednesse, to make themselves still insatiable: to this end also they use Tobacco, that by drunkennesse they may both expell drunkennesse, and being glutted with wine, they drinke smok…, that by this variety, it may not grow teadious
Thus they spend their money, mispend their time, spend good houres in ill actions, and great blessings to bad purposes; wherby they are foure dayes in the week drunke, and the other three not sober; never considering that the divell is a fisher; sinne, his hooke; pleasure, his baite; fooles, his fish; nor weighing the danger they are in, making a recreation of misery, sporting themselves in their sinnes round about the pits brinke without feare, when as they are every howre ready to topple into hell, that bottomlesse gulfe of easeles and everlasting flames.
They desire most to passe away time, then which nothing (though few consider it) is more precious; yea, saith Seneca, there is nothing swifter, nothing sweeter then time. But did they know what treasure time offers to their poore soules, they would looke with a jealous eye upon the houre-glasse, and sigh at the dropping of every Sand. And surely they that seeke to mend the pace of time, spurre a free and fast enough running Horse; which they had more need to redeeme with double care, and labour, then seeke how to hurle it away, yea, hyre the divell and others to helpe them.
For my part, I had rather the company would passe away, then the time; except it bee such company, as may helpe me to redeeme the time. And while I live here, I will study so to use time, as that I may come to live, where time shall be no more: and doubtlesse, those that dare loose a day, are dangerously prodigall; those that dare mispend it, desperate.
§ 65.
OTher reasons and causes there bee of it,3. Cause is lust. though indeed there is no reason in it, as first, pride is one speciall cause, covetousnesse, another; cowardlinesse, a third; evill company, a fourth; &c. for they will by no meanes grant that they drinke for the love of drink, any more then the hunts man pursues the Hare, in cold, in heate, over mountaines, and dales, for love of her flesh; no, will these swilbowles say, yea, sweare, that is the basest thing in the world, they are Epicures indeed that will doe so, though they love it, as they should doe God, above all, above health, wealth, cred it, child, wife, life, heaven, salvation, all; calling for that, as the Pope once for his dish, even in despite of heaven; for is not their gullet their god? do they not sacrifice more to their god Belly, then those Babylonians did to their god Bell.
Alasse! they no more care for Wine, That they drinke not for love of drink is either false, or makes their sinne doublethen Esau did for his pottage, for which hee sold his birth-right; no more then Vgacc…o of Luca did for good cheare, who ventured his Dukedome rather then hee would loose a good supper; then Lysimachus did, who made away a whole Kingdome for drinke; then VVenceslaus, who after the same manner consumed his Empire; then Philoxenus and Melanthius did, who, that the drink might yeeld them the more pleasure in going down to their stomacks, wish, the one a Swans throat, the other a Cranes neck; then Tiberius, who▪ because hee loved wine above measure, was in derision called Biberius. For let them say, or sweare what they will, I will believe the Prophet Isaiah, who brings in the drunkard saying thus, Come, wee will bring wine, and we will fill our selves with strong drinke, and to morrow shall be as this day, and much more abundant, Isa. 56. 12. and Hanna, who calls drunkards the sons of Belial, 1 Sam. 1. 16. that is, all belly, and for the belly.
Yea, let some good fellow or other tell me, whether it would not make his teeth water, and his guts grumble; yea, whether in envie hee would not feed upon his owne heart, to see his companions drinke their healths round, while he sate by, only to see and heare them? and if so, confesse that you drink, not to please others, but your selves, as Canus played upon his Harpe; not for your friend's sake, but for the drink's sake; that you drink, not out of need, but lust; not for health, but for delight.
But we will accept of their owne confession, take them at their word, and see whether they mend not the matter as the Divell mended his damms legg, who instead of putting it into joynt, brake it quite in peeces: for I am much mistaken, if they doe not double their shame by so excusing their fault; for what more aggravates any …inne, then this, that men commit it (as I have shewed men usually sweare) only because it is sinne, and God forbid's it, having neither profit, nor pleasure, nor credit, nor nothing else to induce them to it? Surely the lesse provocation, the greater the offence; yea, greater the malice of the offender, and greater his dishonour that is offended: this is not only for a rich man to bee a thiefe and a lier; an old man, to be a fornicator; both which are abomination to the Lord; but it is all one, as if a chast man should force himself to commit a rape upon one whom hee cares not for, onelyonly to spite her Husband, or Parent; which sinne seemes to out-weigh any ransome.
§ 66.
AGaine, whereas I charge them with covetousnesse, 4 Cause covetousnesse.and tell them this is another cause, they will thinke I am madd. What, they covetous? who so generous, free, bountifull? yea, they hate a cove…ous hoggrubber with a perfect hatred; and yet none more cove…ous, for drunkards are not more ryotous in spending, then in gathering they are covetous: and what is it, any one of these melting prodigals will not practise, rather then let his port decline? yea, what lewdnesse, or basenesse will hee not put in practise, rather then want to satisfie his lusts?
Yea, aske them why they drinke, and keepe company so much? their most usuall answer is, alasse! I should have no worke, I should neither get, nor keep my customers, I should never else buy a good bargaine, &c. for it is admirable to think, and incredible to believe, how the divell blindes them in this particular, but I passe it, for an Angel from heaven shal not perswade them to the contrary, but that it is very profitable for them; though a stander by may plainly see, that they spend more in time, then in money; and more in money of times then they get by their drunken customer; as it is usuall with many Dutchmen, to spend the best part of three whole dayes and nights in the Taverne, to drive a bargain; neither wil they make any bargaine, untill they have sharpened their wits with the essence of good liquor; and then are they (as they thinke) crafty and politicke, that they will deceive any man that shall deale with them. I have heard one of them boast, he had gotten a thousand pounds this way; and his reason was, when he dranke most, he could bargaine best.
But when both the Buyer and Seller goe away with this conceit, that each have over-reach't the other, the Devill must needs delude one of them, and I am sure the Vintner will be paid for his wine. But, alasse! the Devill hath so besotted them, that they will beleeve him, even contrary to their owne knowledge: as it fares with Witches, who although they know the Devill to be the Father of lyes, yet will trust him. But for my part, I shall as soone beleeve that Adam spake Dutch in Paradise (according to Goropius Becanus his idle fancy) as beleeve thee the richer for thy drinking.