The Drunkards Character, Section 35 – Section 38
§ 35
INdeed a course might be taken by the State to make them leave it,Three wayes to make them leave their swearing. though nothing shall ever be able to make them feare an oath, should they see never so many stroke dead while they are jesting with these edged tooles, as diverse have beene, I will onelyonly instance three examples.
A Serving man in Lincolneshire for every trifle used to sweare, Gods pretious blood, and would not be warned by his friends to leave it; at last he was visited with a grievous sicknesse, in which time he could not be perswaded to repent of it, but hearing the bell towle, in the very anguish of death he started up in his bed, and swore by the former oath, that bell towled for him; whereupon immediatly the blood, in abundance from all the joynts of his body, as it were in streames, did issue out most fearefully, from mouth, nosthrils, knees, heeles, and toes, withall other joynts, not one left free, and so died.
Earle Godwine wishing at the Kings table, that the bread hee eate might choake him, if he were guilty of Alp…red's death, whom he had before slaine; was presently choaked, and fell downe dead.
It was usuall with Iohn Peter, mentioned in the booke of Martyrs, to say, if it be not true, I pray God I may rot ere I dye, and God saying Amen to it, he rotted away indeede.
For what's the use they would make of Gods judgments in the like cases … Even the same that the Philistins of As… dod made of their fellowes destruction, when God so fearefully plagued them, for keeping and prophaning of his Arke, which was this: peradventure it is Gods hand that sm…t them (for so they reasoned, and so these would halfe believe) yet it may be, it is but a chance that hath happened unto them, 1 Sam. 6. 9. when yet they saw, that all which were guilty suffered in the judgement, and onelyonly they: so these would but halfe believe, if they should see the like judgements executed upon their fellowes.
The onelyonly way to make them leave their swearing is; let them have it upon their carkases, and then though the belly hath no eares, yet the back would feele.
Or let them for every oath bee injoyned and enforced to a months silence, as Tibert…s the Emperor condemned a great railer, to a whole yeares: yea, as he among the Indians (take it on Aelian's credit) that told a lye thrice, was condemned to perpetuall silence: so I am sure, it were happy for the Church, if these swearers were so silenced, except they would forbeare their swearing.
Or let their purses pay for it, and this would touch them to the quicke, this is a tryed remedy, the land hath had experience of it, when there was an act made by King Henry the fifth, and his Parliament, that if any Duke swore an oath, hee should pay forty shillings; a Barron, twenty shillings; a Knight or an Esquire, ten shillings; a Yeoman, three shillings foure pence; a Servant, whipt; and the same as well executed, as inacted, no man was once heard to sweare, or very rarely. And would not the like penalty now work the like effect … yes undoubtedly, for men stand more upon their silver, or upon their sides smarting, then upon their soules. Have you not heard how that Host answered his guests, when they could get no flesh at his house in Lent, yet might have it in other places … alasse! said he, we are bound, and they are but sworn; the tale lookes like mirth, but the meaning is in good earnest: too many feare an Obligation, more than Religion; and are more carefull of a Recognizance, then of their Conscience.
What most mens care is, touching spirituall evills, and eternall reward, is lively exprest by Salomon, because sentence against an evill worke is not executed speedily, therefore the heart of the children of men is fully set in them to do evill, Eccle. 8. 11.
Ignorant worldlings thinke because God strikes not, he minds not, Ps. 50. 21. but O foole, though hee come softly to Judgement, yet he commeth surely; and in the end, what hee wanted in swiftnesse, shall be supplyed in severenesse.
Yea, were that good statute lately enacted by our gracious King, and his Nobles, thorowly, strictly, and severely put in execution, without partiallity, we should finde another manner of reformation touching oaths, then now we see; be…ides the pore should be richly maintained, and none be in want but swearers, whose want also were the onelyonly way to make them rich, to recover their soules, and procure all blessings from God upon their persons and estates, so all should be gainers: whereas now though we have good laws provided, the matter is as well mended touching oaths, as it was once in Lyons touching Stewes, of which Hugo Card nalis said, that whereas Innocentius found foure at his comming thether, he had left them but one, indeed that reached from one end of the City to the other, urbs est jam tota lupanar; for wee have not lesse but more swearing since that prohibition, by reason that mans nature most lusteth after that which is most forbidden, and slights the fruite of that tree which is easily climbed: so that for want of due execution, because of oathes the Land doth mourne, Hos. 4. 3. and threatens to spue out her inhabitants because of drunkennesse. And so much of the drunkards swearing.
§ 36.
NOw when the pots for a while have stopt all their mouths,Their discourse and behaviour on the Alebe…h. (though every man had his share before) and they forgot what was formerly spoken; you shall have one, for very pure love, and want of other expression, weep in his fellowes bosome; another sit kissing of his companion, not without some short sentence nothing to the purpose; a third, setting his mouth on the racke with laughter; (wise were the man that could tell at what) a 4th swaggering and swearing because the wine was brought him no sooner; a fifth, (for I passe him that sits there in a corner, nodding, and slavering) falls down upon his marrowbones (in devotion to Bacchus) and up with the pot hand smooth, after which every one that is awake sings his song, seasoning the same with many a goodly belch; then one in stead of a harpe, takes a knife and a quart pot, with which he will make fine musick in his conceit; another, in his song commends his mistris, another, the goodnesse of the wine; another, being better skilled in prose than meeter, relates all the passages betwixt him and his wife at home, for wine descending, causeth words still to ascend; another▪ tells how many quarts, he, and so many more, dranke at such a ing; another, begins to argue of Religion, and matters of State; another brags of his lying with such a woman, into whose company hee could never yet bee admitted; another boasts how he jeered such a Puritan, (for the drink having bitten him, hee runnes like a mad Dog up and down, snapping at every body, and many a good man may say with David, I became a song of the drunkards) another, falls a riming all in Satyre against the rest that are absent, and will not drinke, (and perhaps steeps his jest in his own laughter) which being lik'd and laught at, they all fall a riming; then each one, in his order, must play the Poet out of the inspiration of Bacchus, only, (for Sibylla like) they never yeeld any Oracle, except they are first possest with a fury, and the Muses may goe hang for any roome they have here; their Library is a large roome, ranked ful of pots and canns of all sorts.
Now although the wisest of them cannot make two true verses in his mothers tougue in three houres; yea although they bee the veriest lack-latins, and the most unalphabeticall raggabashaes that ever lived, (for I never heard of above one good Poet they had, and hee was starved to death, for telling truth out of season) yet notwithstanding (for stand well they cannot) they will, one with a cole, another with a candle, fill all the walls and …eelings with Epithalamiums, Elegies, and Epitaphs; which done, are expounded to the rest of the company, if any be awake to heare it; your eares would blister to read them, though it would doe a deafe ma…s heart good to heare them, or a blind mans to see them.
§ 37.
ANd yet poore soules they thinke themselves wiser then Salomon, How wise the drunkard is in his … conceil.for being bribed with self-conceite, what can not they doe, what doe they not know, what will they not say▪ yea, it is a wrong to their reputation to be ignorant of any thing; and yet they know not this one thing, that they know nothing; as it is hard to tell whether pride or ignorance beares the greatest sway. It is incident to a weake mind to overvalue it selfe, the Gentiles professed themselves to bee wise even when they became fooles, Romans 1. 22. …e Prince of Tyrus would bee reputed wiser then Daniel, Ez…ch. 28. 3. when indeed he was of all fooles the greatest, v. 6 9. and S. Paul tels us, that they which never knew what wisdome meant, yet named themselves Philosophers, Col. 2. 8.
Yea, they hold all the world dunces besides themselves, and will sweare, they are shallow fellowes that doe not drinke sack. Tell them that Pythagoras drank nothing but water, that Demosthenes that great Orator never drank wine; they will say, it cannot be, it is impossible; for they have as high an esteeme of wine about making wise, as the Stoicks had of their doctrine about making holy, who were of opinion, that whosoever received the same, if in the morning hee were wicked, in the evening hee should become a very good man: and hence it is, that according to the custome of Duchmen, and ancient Persians, they never make bargaines, nor consult of any great matters, but in the midst of their cups, when halfe drunke.
Neither will any wonder at this their conceit,Of which 2. reasons. that considers these two things. First, what the nature of Wine is, for wine, as Plato wel observes, being immoderately taken, makes them which drinke it thinke themselves wise, and their discourse unanswerable, and so it is, by reason of their obstinacy; hereupon their speech is much, though little to the purpose, and what ever the question be, the truth is on their side, all is spoken in print that is spoken by them, though their phrase (the apparell of their minds) hath a rash outside, and fustian lynings; which would make them hold their peace, if they but heard themselves with my eares, as Xenocrates the Philosopher told one that was a great babler: yea, all the Drunkards Geese are Swanns, and all their vertues tenne foote long; as for faults, they have none, for poore soules they see neither their slips, nor wants.
Secondly, a Drunkard, with the sluggard in the Proverbs, is wiser in his owne co…ceit, then seven men that can render a reason, because, he speakes so much, and heares so little. They that talke so much to others, seldome speake with themselves enough; and then for want of acquaintance with their owne bosomes, they may well be mistaken, and present a foole to the people, while they thinke themselves wise.
Alasse! if they have once read but the Fayry Queene, the Arcadia, and Montaigne his essayes, (I dare not say the booke of statutes, or the Chronicles) or can but breake a jeast, as many of them are like Sarmantus, a gentleman of Rome, whowas famous only for his scoffing, then they conceit of themselves, as Menecrates the Physitian did, who (though not worthy to be Aesculapius his Apothecaries boy) would needs be Iupiter; and opinion you know is all in all, every thing wee light upon is as we apprehend it; opinion makes women faire, and men lovely; opinion makes men wise, valiant, rich, nay any thing.
§ 38
BUt are they so wise, because they thinke themselves so▪ The greatest Bowzers pr…ved the greatest Buzzards. … sect▪ 42.No, no more then Simon Magus was great, because he called himselfe a great man: for what ever they thinke, by the rule of Scripture every Drunkard is a foole, Pro. 20. 1. and experience shewes, that the greatest bowsers are the greatest Buzzards in the world, that they have most leaden conceits, dull understandings, drossie wits, grosse and muddy affections; for either they are of so meane breeding, that they are ignorant of any other entertainment; or of such slow conceit, as they are not company one for another, without excessive draughts to quicken them.
Or thirdly, so abundantly talkative, that they prove themselves fooles the other way; for even their much babling, is an argument sufficient to prove them fooles. What saith wise Salomon▪ a Fooles voi…e is knowne by a multitude of words, and babling Drunkards account it not wisdome to speake few things or words; yea, they can better aford you a sea of words, then a drop of wit; as marke whether their discourse be not more sound, then substance; winde, then matter.
Yea, tell me whether a talkative drunkard bee not an unbraced Drum, able to beate a wise man out of his wits, except he should stop his eares, or absent his person, when such intrude themselves into his company.
We reade that Horace was put into a sweat (almost into a feaver) by the accidentall detention of a bablers tongue.
But to goe on, ever where is least braine, saith Socrates, there is most tongue, and lowdest; even as a Brewers cart upon the stones makes most noyse, when his vessells are emptiest.
Indeed when a modest man gave thankes to God with a submisse and low voice, an impudent criticall gallant found fault with him, that hee said Grace no lowder; but he gave him a bitter reply, make me but a fo…e, and I shall speake as lowd as you, but that will marre the Grace quite.
A babling tongue sheweth great pride, and little knowledge; but how seldome is the tongue liberall, where the heart is full?
Spintharus gives this praise of Epaminondas, that he hardly ever met with one, that knew more then he, or spake lesse: profound knowledge sayes little, deepe rivers passe away in silence, but what a murmur and bubling, yea, sometimes what a roaring doe they make in the shallowes?
Yea, both the greatest knowers, and the greatest doers, are ever the least talkers. Sampson slew a Lyon, yet he made no words of it; whereas they that have busie tongues, have commonly lazie hands, which also proves that they have vaine hearts.
The lesse vertue, the greater report, who can wonder to finde a flood in the tongue, when the heart is empty?
Indeed when once a Rabbi little learned, and lesse modest, usurped all the discourse at table, one (not for want of ignorance) …uch admiring him, asked his friend in private, whether he did not take such a man for a great s…holler? but what was the answer? he may be learned quoth he, for ought I know, but I never heard learning make such a noyse. The full vessell gives you a soft answeare, but found liquor: so the knowing and sollid man, will either be silent, or his words shall be better then silence; whereas they that speake much, seldome speake well.