The Art of Rhetoric, Book 2 · Part 1 · Section 15
Sporte moued by tellinge olde tales.
IF there be any olde tale or straunge history wel & wittely applied to some mā liuing, al mē louelove to hear it of life. As if one wer called Arthur, some good felow that were well acquainted wyth kynge Arthures bok…, and the knightes of his rounde table, woulde wante no matter to make good sporte, and for a nede woulde dubbe him knyght of the rounde table, or els proue him to be one of his kynne, or …ls (whiche were muche) proue him to be Arthure hym selfe. And so likewise of other names, mery panions would make madde pastime.
Oftentimes the deformitieDeformitie of bodye moueth myrthe. of a mans bodye geueth ma… ter enoughe to be ryght merye, or els a picture in shape lyke an other man, will make some to laughe right hartely. One being greued with an other man, saide in his anger, I will set the oute in thy coloures, I will shewe what thou arte. The other beinge therwith muche chafed, shewe (quod he) what thou canste: with that he shewed him, (pointinge with his finger) a man with a bottell nose, blobbe cheaked, and as redde as a Bouchers bowle, euen as like the other manne, as anie one in all the worlde could be. I neede not to saye that he was angrye. An other good felowe beinge merelye disposed, called his acquaintaunce vntounto him & said: Come hither I saie, and I wil shewe thee as verye a lowte as euer thou sawest in all thy lyfe before, with that he offered him at his commynge a stele glasse to loke in. But surelye I thynke he loked awrye, for if I hadde bene in hys case, I woulde hauehave tolde him that I espied a muche greater lowte, before I sawe the glasse.
In augmentyngeAugmentyng or d…minishynge or diminishinge without all reason, we geue good cause of muche pastyme. As Diogenes seynge a pretye towne, hauinge a greate payre of Gates at the comminge in: Take hede quod he, you menne of this towne, lest your towne runne out of your gates. That was a marueylous bygge Gate I trow, or els a wonderfull little towne, where suche passage shoulde be made.
A Frier disposed to tell misteries, opened to the People that the soule of man was so little, that a leuen thousande might daunce vponupon the nayle of his thumbe. One marueylinge much at that, I praye you master Frier quod he, wher shall the piper stande then, when suche a number shall kepe so small a roume.
Mirthe is moued when vponupon a trifle or a worde spoken, an vnknowen matter and weightyeOpenynge a weyghtye … vnknowen …hynge affayre is opened. As if one shoulde finde fault with some mannes sumptuous buildinge, or other suche thinge: whiche hadde founde muche fa…oure at the same mans hande: an other myght saye, well sir, he that builded this house, saued your worship from hanginge when the time was. A nececessarie note for him thā kefullye to remembre the builder of that house, & not slaunderouslye to speake euil of him.
It is a pleasaunt dissembling,Dissemblyng… when we speake one thing merelye, and thyncke an other earnestlye, or elles when we prayse that which otherwise deserueth disprayse, to the shaming of those that are taken to be most honest.
As in speakinge of one that is well knowen to be nought, to saye emong all men that are sene to, there is one that lacketh his rewarde. He is the diligentiest felowe in hys callinge of all other, he hath traueyled in behalfe of his countrey, he hath watched daye and night to further his cōmune weale▪ and to aduaunce the dignitye therof, and shall he go emptye home? Who stode by it at suche a felde, who played the man and cryed, stoppe the thiefe, when suche a man was robbed? Who seeth good rule kept in suche a place? can anye here charge him with bawdrye? Whiche of you all dare saye or can say that euer you sawe him dro…ke, if then these be true, ought not suche to be sene to: and rewarded accordingelye? For praysinge the vnworthye, I remember once that our worthy Latimer did set out the deuyll for his diligence wonderfullie, and preferred him for that purpose before all the Bishoppes in England. And no doubte, the wicked be more busye and stirrynge, then the children of light be in their generation.
What talke you of suche a man (say the an other) there is an honest man ye maye be assured. For if a man had neade of one, he is ready at a pynche, his body sweates for honesty, if you come to him in a hotte sommers day, you shal se his honestye in such sort to reeke, that it woulde pitye any christian soule liuinge. He hath more honestye with him then he neades, and therfore bothe is able and will lende, where it pleaseth him best. Beware of him aboue all menne that e…uer you knewe. He hathe no felowe, there is none suche, I thinke he wil not liue longe▪ he is so honest a man, the more pitye that suche good felowes shoulde knowe what deathe meaneth. But it maketh no matter, when he is gone, all the worlde will speake of him, hys name shall neuer dye, he is so well knowen vniuersallye.
Thus we maye mockingelye speake well of him, when there is not a noughtyer felowe wythin all. Englande agayne, and euen as well sette out his noughtines this way, as thoughe we hadde in verye dede vttered all his noughty conditions plainelye, and without iestinge. Emonge al that euer were pleasaunte in this kinde of delite, Socrates beareth the name, and maye worthelye chalenge prayse. Sir Thomas More with vsus here in England▪ had an excellent gifte not onelyonly in this kinde, but also in all other pleasaunt delites, whose witte euē at this houre is a wonder to al the worlde, & shalbe vndoubtedly, euen vntounto the worldes ende. Unto this kinde of dissembling, is nexte adioyn…nge a maner of speache, when wee geue an honeste name to an euyll deede. As when I woulde call one accordingly that is of a noughtye beha…oure, to saye: Ah sirrha, you are a marchant in dede: Wher as I thinke a marchauntes name is honest. Some olde felowes whē they thinke one to be an heritique they will saye, he is a gospeller. Some newe felowes when they thinke one a Papist, they wil call him straight a catholique, & be euen with him at the landes ende. Contrariwise some will geue an …uil name to a good thinge: As a father louynge his Sonne tenderlye, and hauynge no cause to be greued with him, will sometimes saye to him: Come hither sir knaue, and the mother merelye beynge disposed, wyll saye to her swete Sonne: Ah you little horeson, wyll you serue me so. Where as I thyncke some womenne that ofte so saye, wil sweare vponupon a booke they are none suche, and almoste I hadde sayde, I dare sweare for some of theim my selfe, if God hadde not forbidden me to sweare at all.
This Kynde also is pretye, when we gather an other thinge by a mannes t…le, then he woulde …ladly we shoulde gather. When Liuius Sali…ator a Romayne capitaine hadde kepte the Castell of Taren…um losinge the towne to Anni…al his enemye,… and that Maximus therupō had layed siege to the same towne, and gotte it againe by the swerde: then Sali…ator whyche thus kepte the Castell, desiered him to remember, that throughe his meanes he gotte the towne, Why shoulde I not (quod he) thyncke so? for if you had neuer lost it, I had neuer gotte it.
To dissemble sometymes as thoughe wee vnderstode not what one meant, declareth an apte witte, …nd much deliteth such as heare it. Diogenes…. was asked on a time what wyne he loued beste to drincke. Marye (quod he) an other mannes wyne, meanynge that he loued that dryncke beste, that coste him leaste. The same Diogenes likewyse was asked what one shoulde geue hym to lette him hauehave a blowe at his heade. Marye a Helmet quod he.
One Octa…ius a Libian borne (as witnesseth) Macrobius sayde vntounto Tullie when he spake hys mynde vponupon a matter. Sir I heare you not, I praye you speake owder. No (quod Tullie)? that is maruaile to me, for as I do remember, your eares are well bored thorowe, meanynge that he was nayled vponupon a Pillarie, or …lles hadde holes made in his eares, whyche myght well serue (as Tullie iested) to receiue open ayre.
Whē Mettellus toke muster & required Cesar to be there, not abiding yt he should be absent, thoughe his eyes greued him, and said: What man do you se nothing at all? Yes marye quod Cesar, as euil as I se, I can se a lordship of yours the which was .iiii. or .v. miles from Rome) declaringe that (his building was ouer sumptuous, and so howge with…ll, (muche aboue his degree) that a blind man myght almost se it. Nowe in those dayes ouercostlye building was generally hated, because men sought by suche meanes to get fame & beare rule in the commune weale.
The like also is of one Nasica who when he came to the Poet Ennius, and askinge at the gates if Ennius were at home, the maide of the house, beinge so commaunded by her m…ster, made aunswere that he was not within. And when he perceyued that she so said… by her maisters commaundemente, he wente straight his waye, and saide on more.
Nowe shortelye after when Ennius…nnius pleasaunt answer to Nasica came to Nasica and called for him at the dore, Nasica cried out alowde & sayde, Sirrha, I am not at home? What manne (quod Ennius) I heare the speake. Do not I knowe thy voyce? Then (quod Nasica) Ah shamelesse man that thou arte, when I sought thee at thy home, I did beleue thy maide when she said thou wast not at home, and wilte not thou beleue me when I tel thee myne owne selfe that I am not at home?
It is a pleasaunte hearynge, when one is mocked… mā m…ed with the s…me he bryngeth with the same that he bryngeth. As when one. Q. Opimius hauinge an euill name for hys light behauoure had saide to a pleasaunte man Egilius that semed to be wanton of liuing, and yet was not so: Ah my swete darling Egilia, when wilt thou come to my house swete wenche, with thy rocke & thy spindle? I dare not in good faith (quod he,) mi mother hath forbidde me to come to anye suspected house where euil rule is kepte.
Those iestes are bitter whiche hauehave a hid vnderstanding in them, wherof also a man maye gather muche more then is spoken. A homelye felowe made his woful lamentation to Diogenes in most pitiful sorte, because his wife had hanged her selfe vponupon a Figge tree, hopinge to finde some comforte at his hande. But DiogenesDiogenes doggysh aunswe… in despyte of …omen. hearinge this straunge deede, For the louelove of God (quod he) geue me some slippes of that tree, that I might set them in some orcharde. The frute liked him well, and belyke he thought that such slippes woulde hauehave bene as good to dispatche noughtye womenne, as lime twigges are thought mete to catch wild birdes withal
An Archideacon, beyng nothinge so wise as he was welthy, nor yet so learned, as he was worshipfull, asked a yo…ge man once, whether he hadde a good witte, or no. Yes mary sir (quod he) your wytte is good inoughe if you kepe it still, and vse it not, for euerye thinge as you knowe is the worsse for the wearinge. Thou sayest euen truth (q…od he) for that is the matter that I neuer vsed preachyng… for it is no…hyng but a waistyng of wit…e, and a spen…yng of wynde. And …et if I woulde preache, I thynke I could do as wel as the best of them. Yea sir (ꝙ he) but yet I would ye should …o… proue is for feare of strainyng your selfe to muche: Why? Do…t thou feare that (ꝙ he?) nay thou maist be assured, I w…l neuer preache so long as I lyue, God beeyng my good Lorde. There are ouer many Heretiques, for good meanyng men to speake any thyng now a daies. You saie euen truth (ꝙ the young man) and so went forthe, but to tel al, I had neede to hauehave tyme of an other worlde, or at the lest to h…ue breathe of an other bodie.
An vnlearned Oratour made an Oratiō on a tyme, thynkyng that he had with his wel doyng deli…ed muche al m…n, & moued them to merciemercy & pitie, & therfore sittyng doune, he asked one Catulus if he had not moued the hearers to merciemercy. Yes marie (ꝙ he) & that to great merciemercy & pitie bothe, for I thynk there is none here so hard harted, but thought your oratiō very miserable, & therfore nedeful to be greatly pi…ied.
Churlishe aunsweres, lyke the hearers some tymes very well. When the father was cast in iudgement, the sonne seyng hym wepe: Why wepe you father? (ꝙ he) To whome his father aunswered: What? Shall I syng I praie the, seeyng by a lawe I am condempned to dye. Socrates lykewyse beeyng mo…ed of his wyfe because he shoulde dye an innocent and giltelesse in the lawe: Why for shame woman (ꝙ he) wilt thou hauehave me to dye giltie & deseruyng. When one had fal…e into a ditche, an other pitiyng his fall, asked hym, and said: Alas how got you into that pit? Why, Gods mother (ꝙ the other) doest thou aske me how I gotte in, nay tel me rather in the mischief how I shal gette out.
There is an other contrarie vntounto this kynd, when a man suffereth wrong, & geueth no sharpe answere at al. As when Cato was stroken of one that caried a chest (some saie a lōg …owle) when the other said, after he had hit hym: Take hede sir I pray you: why (ꝙ Cato) doest thou cary any thyng els.
Folie and lacke of naturall wit, or els wante of honestie geue good matter of myrthe often tymes. When Scipio beyng Pretor had appoincted vntounto a certaine Sicilian, one to be his lawyer that was of a good house, and had an euill witte, litle better than half a foole: I praie you (ꝙ the Sicilian to Scipio) appoint this lawier for myne aduersarie, and let me hauehave none at al hardely.
In speakyng against an euill man,…vishyng. & wishyng somewhat thereupon, a iest may seene delitefull. When an euill man had accused many persons, and none toke any harme by hym but rather were acquited from tyme to tyme, and taken the sooner for honest men: Now would to Christes passion (ꝙ a naughtie fellow) that he were myne accuser, for thē should I bee taken for an honest man also, through his accusacion, Demonides hauyng crooked feete, lost on a tyme bothe his shoone, wherupō he made his praier to God that his shoone might serue his feete that had stolne them away. A shrewde wishe for hym that had the shoone, and better neuer weare shoone, than steale them so dearely.
Thynges gathered by cōiectureConiectures. to seeme otherwise than they are, delite muche the eares being wel applied together. One was charged for robbyng a Churche, and almost euidently prou…d to be an offendour i… that behaulfe▪ the saied man to saue hymself harmelesse, reasoned thus: Why (ꝙ he) how should this be, I neuer robbed house, nor yet was euer faultie in any offence besides, how then shoulde I presume to robbe a Churche? I hauehave loued the Churche more than any other, & wil louers of the Churche robbe the Churche? I hauehave geuen to the Churche, howe happeneth that I am charged to take frō the Churche hauyng euer so good mind to church dignitie? assure your selues thei passed litle of the Churche, that would auenture to robbe the Churche. Thei are no Churche men, they are masterlesse men, or rather S. Niclas Clarkes, that lacke liuyng, and goyng in procession takes the Churche to be an Hospitall for waie fairers, or a praie for poore and nedie beggers: but I am not suche man.
Thynges wantyng,Thynges wantyng. make good pastyme beyng aptely vsed. Alacke, alacke, if suche a one had somewhat to take to, & were not past grace: he would doe well enough without all doubt. I warrant hym, he wantes nothyng saieth an other of a couetouse man but one thyng, he hath neuer enough.
Suche a man hath no fault, but one, and if that were amend…d, all were well: what is that ꝙ an other? In good (faith) he is nought.
To geue a familiar aduise in the waie of pastyme, deliteth muche the hearers.Familiare aduise geuyng. Whē an vnlerned lawyer had been hourese and almost lost his voice with ouerlong speakyng, one Granius gaue him counsel to drynke swete wine could, so sone as he came home. Why (ꝙ he) I shall lose my voice, if I do so. Marie (ꝙ he) and better do so, then vndo thy cliē … and lose his matter altogether.
But among all other kyndes of delite there is none that so muche comforteth and gladdeth the hearer,Thynges … ken contrarie to expcction. as a thyng spoken contrarie to therpectation of other. Augustus Emperour of Rome seeyng a handsome young man there, whiche was muche like vntounto hymselfe in contenaunce, asked hym if euer his mother was in Rome, as thoughe he had been his bastard. No forsouth (ꝙ he) but my father hath been here very oftē: with that themperour was abasshed, as though the emperours own mother had been an euil womā of her body
When an vnlearned Phisicion (as England lacketh none suche) had come to Pausanias a noble Ientleman, and asked him if he were not troubled muche with sicknes. No sir (ꝙ he) I am not troubled at al, I thancke God, because I vse not thy counsaill. Why doe ye accuse me (ꝙ the Phisicion) that neuer tryed me? Mary (ꝙ Pausanias) if I had ones tryed the, I shoulde neuer hauehave accused the▪ for then I had been deade, and in my graue many daies agone.
An English Phisiciō ridyng by the way, & seyng a great cōpany of men gatherd together, sent his mā to know what the matter was, whereupō his man vnderstandyng that one there was appointed to suffer for killyng a mā: came ridyng backe in al post haste, and cried to his master, long before he came at him: Get you hence sir, get you hēce for Gods louelove. What meanes thou (ꝙ his master). Mary (ꝙ the seruaunt) yonder man shal dye for killyng of one man, and you I dare saye, hauehave kilde a hundreth menne in your daies: Gette you hence thereore for Gods louelove, if you louelove your selfe. Examples bee innumerable that serue for this purpose.
A man may by hearyng a loude lye,A lye mocked with a lye. pre…ly mocke the lye by reportyng a greater lye. When one beyng of a lowe degre and his father of meane welthe, had vaunt…d muche of the good house that his father kepte, of two Be…fes spent wekelie, and halfe a score Tunne of wyne dronke in a yeare, an other good fellowe hearyng hym lye so shamefully: I deede (ꝙ he) Beefe is so plētiful at my master your fathers house that an Oxe in one daie is nothyng, and as for wyne, Beggers that come to the doore are serued by whole gallondes. And as I remēber your father hath a spryng of wyne in the middest of his Court, God continue his good house kepyng.
Oftentymes we may graunt to an other, the same that they wil not graunt to vsus.Grauntyng to o…her thesame, that they wil not graunt to vsus. When a base born felowe whose parentes were not honest, had charged Lelius that he did not liue ac…ordyng to his auncesters: yea, but thou doest liue (ꝙ Lelius) accordyng to thy elders.
One beeyng a ientlemen in byrthe, and an vnthrifte in condicions, called an other man in reproche begger & slaue.Better be born a begger, than dye a begger. In dede Sir (ꝙ the poore man) you are no begger borne, but I feare me ye wil dye one.
An other lykewyse called Diogenes varlet and caitif, to wh…me Diogenes aunswered in this wyse. In dede suche a one hauehave I been as thou now art, but suche a one as I now am, shalt thou neuer be.
SalustSalust. beeyng a ientleman borne, and a man of muche welth, and yet rather by birthe, noble: than by true dealyng honest: enuied muche the estimacion whiche Tullie had emong al men, and said to hym before his face: Thou art no ientleman borne, and therefore not meete to beare Office in this commune weale: In dede (ꝙ Tullie) my nobilitie begynnes in me, and thyne dothe ende in the. Meanyng thereby that though Salust were borne noble, yet he were lyke to dye wretched, whereas Tullie beeyng borne both poore, and base, was lyke to dye with honour, because of his vertue, wherein chefely consisteth nobili…ie.
There is a pleasauntPleasaunt di… sem…lyng in outwarde behauiour. kynde of di…semblyng when twoo meetes together, and the one cannot well abyde the other: and yet they both outwardely striue to vse pleasaunt behauiour, and to show muche courtesie: yea to cōtende on both partes, whiche should passe other in vsyng of faire wordes, and makyng liuely countenaunces: sekyng by dissemblyng, the one to deceiue the other.Checkyng a lyar with an open mocke.
When we see a notable lye vtterde, we checke the offendour openly with a pleasaunt mocke. As when one Uibius Curius did speake muche of his yeares and made hym selfe to be much yoūger then he was: (ꝙ Tullie) why than master Uibius as farre as I can gather by my reckenyng, when you and I declamed together last, you were not then borne by al likelyhoode, if that be true whiche you saie.
When Fabia Dolobella said to thesame Tullie that she was but thirtie yeres of age (as women by their good willes would neuer be olde) I thynke so (ꝙ Tullie) for I hauehave heard you saie no lesse, xx. yeres ago.
A Souldiour that thoug…t his estimacion stoude moste in the vertue of his hande gunne, made a marueilouse braggue of it, and said he was able to showte leauel a great deale farther than any one there would beleue hym to saye truth: wherpō he called for his man to beare witnesse of the same, and asked hym whether it were so, or no. In deede (ꝙ his man) you say truth, but then you muste remember Sir, you had the wynde with you when you shotte so farre. Belyke he thought, there woulde neuer come suche a wynde again.