The Arraignment of Lewd Women, Title page – To the reader 2
THE ARAIGNMENT OF LEVVD, IDLE, FROward, and vnconstant women: Or the vanitie of them, choose you whether.
With a Commendation of wise, vertuous and honest Women.
Pleasant for married Men, profitable for young Men, and hurtfull to none.
LONDON
Printed by George Purslowe for Thomas Archer, and are to be solde at his shop in Popes-head Pallace, neere the Royall Exchange. 1615.
NEITHER TO THE BEST, NOR yet to the worst; but to the common sort of WOMEN.
MVsing with my selfe being idle, and hauing little ease to passe the time withal; and I being in a great choller against some women, I mean more then one; And so in the ruffe of my fury, taking my pen in hand to beguile the time withall; indeed I might hauehave imployed my selfe to better vse, then in such an idle busines, and better it were to pocket vp a pelting iniury, then to intangle my selfe with such vermine: for this I know, that because women are women, therefore many of them will doe that in an howre, which they many times will repent all their whole life time after; yet for any iniury which I hauehave reccyued of thē, the more I consider of it, the lesse I esteem of the same. Yet perhaps some may say vntounto me, that I hauehave sought for honey, & caught the Bee by the tayle, or that I hauehave bin bit or stung with some of these waspes, otherwise I could neuer hauehave beene expert in bewraying their qualities, for the mother would neuer hauehave sought her daughter in the Ouen, but that shee was there her selfe. Indeed I must confesse, I hauehave been a traueller this thirty & odde yeeres, and many trauellers liue in disdaine of women; the reason is, for that their affections are so poysoned with the haynous euils of vnconstant women, which they happen to bee acquainted with in their trauels: for it doth so cloy their stomacks, that they censure bardly of women euer afterwards: wronged men will not be tongue-tyed: therefore if you doe ill, you must not thinke to heare well; for although the world bee bad, yet it is not come to that passe, that men should beare with all the bad conditions that are in some women.
I know I shall be bitten by many, because I touch many: but before I goe any further, let mee whisper one word in your eares, and that is this; whatsoeuer you thinke privately, I wish you to conceale it with silence, lest in starting up to find fault, you proue your selues guilty of these monstrous accusations, which are here following against some women: & those which spurne, if they feele themselues touched, proue themselues stark fooles in bewraying their galled backs to the world: for this booke toucheth no sort of women, but such as when they heare it, will goe about to reproue it: for although in some part of this booke, I trip at your heeles, yet I will stay you by the hand, so that you shall not fall further then you are willing; although I deale with you after the manner of a shrow, which cannot otherwise ease her curst heart but by her vnhappy tongue: If I be too earnest, beare with me a little, for my meaning is not to speake much of those that are good, & I shall speake too little of those that are naught; but yet I will not altogether condemn the bad; but hoping to better the good by the naughty examples of the bad: for there is no woman so good, but hath one idle part or other in her which may be amended; for the clearest Riuer that is, hath some durt in the bottome: Iewels are all precious, but yet they are not all of one price, nor all of one vertue: gold is not all of one picture, no more are women all of one disposition; women are all necessary euills, and yet not all giuen to wickednesse, and yet many so bad, that in my conceit, if I should speake the worst that I know by some women, I should make their eares glow that heare mee, and my tongue would blister to report it: but it is a great discredite for a man to be accounted for a scold, for scolding is the maner of shromes; therfore I had rather answere them with silence which find fault, then striue to win the Cucking-stoole frō them. Now me thinks I heare some curious Dames giuegive their rash iudgements, & say that I hauing no wit, descant vponupon womē which hauehave more wit then men. To answere you again, If I belie you, iudge me vnkind; but if I speake the truth I shall be the better belieued another time: and if I had wrote neuer so well, it is vnpossible to please all, and if neuer so ill, yet I shall please some. Let it bee well or ill, I looke for no prayse for my labor; I am weined from my mothers teat, and therfore neuer more to bee fed with her pap: wherefore say what you will, for I will follow my own vein in vnfolding eueryevery pleat, and shewing eueryevery wrinckle of a womans disposition, and yet I will not made so farre ouer the shooes, but that I may returne drie, nor so far in, but that I may easily escape out, and yet for all that, I must confesse my selfe to be in a fault, and that I hauehave offended you beyond satisfaction, for it is hard to giuegive a sufficient recompence for a slaunder; and yet here after, if by no meanes I cannot obtaine your fauour to be one of your Pulpit-men, yet you cannot deny me to be one of your Parish; and therefore if you please but to place me in the body of the Church hereafter, you shall find my deuotion so great towards you, as he that kneeleth at the Chancell dore: for I wrote this booke with my hand, but not with my heart.
Indeed, when I first began to write this booke, my wits were gone a wool-gathering, in so much that in a maner forgetting my selfe, and so in the rough of my fury, I vowed for euer to be an open enemy vntounto women; but when my fury was a little past, I began to consider the blasphemy of this infamous booke against your sects; I then tooke my pen, and cut him in twenty peeces, and had it not been for hurting my selfe, I would hauehave cut my own fingers which held my pen: and furthermore for penance, I do craue that my selfe may be a Iudge against my selfe; but yet assure your selues, of all euils I will choose the least; wherefore I choose rather to beare a fagot, then burn by the fagot; you may perceyue the wind is changed into another dore, and that I begin to be sea-sicke, and yet not past halfe a mile on the salt water, and that my mouth hath vttered that in my fury, which my heart neuer thought, and therefore I confesse that my tongue hath gone beyond my wits; for I do surmise, that the sauce which I hauehave made, is too sharpe for your dyet, and the flowers which I hauehave gathered, are too strong for your noses: but if I had brought little dogs from Iceland, or fine glasses from Venice, then I am sure that you would either hauehave wooed me to hauehave them, or wished to see them. But I will here conclude this first Epistle, praying you with patience to heare the rest: for if I offend you at the first, I will make you amends at the last: and so I leaue you to him, whose seate is in Heauen, and whose footestoole is the Earth.
Yours in the way of Honesty, Ioseph Swetnam.
To the Reader.
Reade it, if you please, and like as you list: neyther to the wisest Clarke, nor yet to the starkest Foole, but vntounto the ordinary sort of giddy-headed young men, I send this greeting.
IF you meane to see the Beare-bayting of womē, then trudge to this Beare-garden apace, and get in betimes, and view eueryevery roome where thou mayest best sit, for thy owne pleasure, profite, and hearts ease, & beare with my rudenes, if I chance to offend thee. But before I doe open this trunke full of torments against women, I thinke it were not amisse to resemble those which in old time did sacrifices to Hercules; for they vsed continually first to whip all their dogges out of their City; and I thinke it were not amisse to driue all the women out of my hearing, for doubt, lest this little sparke kindle into such a flame, and rayse so many stinging Hornets humming about my eares, that all the wit I hauehave will not quench the one, nor quiet the other: for I feare me that I hauehave set down more then they will like of, and yet a great deale lesse then they deserue: and for better proofe, I refer my selfe to the iudgement of men, which hauehave more experience then my selfe; for I esteem little of the malice of women, for men will be perswaded with reason, but women must be answered with silence; for I know women will barke more at me, then Cerberus the two-headed dog did at Hercules, when he came into Hell to fetch out the fayre Proserpina: and yet I charge them now but with a bulrush, in respect of a second booke, which is almost ready: I doe now but fret them with false fire, but my next charge shal be with weapons, and my larum with powder and shot: for then wee will goe vponupon these venemous Adders, Serpents and Snakes, and tread and trample them vnderunder our feet; for I hauehave known many stung with some of these Scorpions, and therefore I warne all men to beware the Scorpton. I knowe women will bite the lip at mee and censure hardly of mee, but I feare not the curst Cowe, for she commonly hath short horns; let them censure of me what they wil, for I meane not to make them my Iudges, and if they shoot their spite at me, they may hit themselues, and so I will smile at them, as at the foolish Fly which burneth her selfe in the candle. And so friend Reader, if thou hast any discretion at all, thou mayest take a happy example by these most lasciuious and crafty, whorish, theeuish, & knauish women, which were the cause of this my idle time spending; and yet I hauehave no warrant to make thee beleeue this which I write to be true, but yet the simple Bee gathereth honey where the venemous Spider doth her poyson. And so I will hinder thee no longer from that which insueth. But here I wil conclude, lest thou hast cause to say, that my Epistles are longer then my booke, a Booke I hope I may call it without any offence: for the Collyer cals his Horse a Horse, & the Kings great Steed is but a Horse.
If thou read but the beginning of a booke, thou canst giuegive no iudgement of that which insueth: therefore I say is the Frier, who in the midst of his Sermon said ofte, that the best was behind: And so, if thou reade it all ouer, thou shalt not be deluded, for the best is behind. I thinke I hauehave shot so neere the white that some wil account me for a good Archer: And so praying thee to looke to thy footing, that thou run not ouer thy shooes, and so be past recouery before my second booke come.
Thy friend, JOSEPH SVVETNAM.