The Arraignment of Lewd Women, Chapter 1
CHAP. I.
This first Chapter sheweth to what vse Women were made, it also sheweth that most of them degenerate from the vse they were framed vntounto, by leading a proud, lazy, and idle life, to the great hinderance of their poore Husbands.
MOses describeth a Woman thus: At the first beginning (saith hee) a woman was made to be a helper vntounto man, & so they are indeed: for she helpeth to spend and consume that which man painefully getteth. Hee also saith that they were made of the ribbe of a man, and that their froward nature sheweth; for a ribbe is a crooked thing, good for nothing else, and women are crooked by nature: for small occasion will cause them to be angry.
Againe, in a manner, shee was no sooner made, but straightway her mind was set vponupon mischiefe, for by her aspiring minde and wanton will, shee quickly procured mans fall, and therfore euer since they are and hauehave beene a woe vntounto man, and follow the line of their first leader.
For I pray you let vsus consider the times past, with the time present; first, that of Dauid and Salomon, if they had occasion so many hundred yeares agoe to exclaime so bitterly against women, for the one of them said, that it was better to be a doore-keeper, and better dwel in a den amongst Lyons, then to be in the house with a froward and wicked woman: and the other said, that the climing vp of a sandy hill to an aged man was nothing so wearisome, as to be troubled with a froward woman: and further he saith, that the malice of a beast is not like the malice of a wicked woman, nor that there is nothing more dangerous then a woman in her fury.
The Lion being bitten with hunger, the Beare being robbed of her young ones, the Viper being trod on, all these are nothing so terrible as the fury of a woman. A Bucke may be inclosed in a Parke, a bridle rules a horse, a Woolfe may be tied, a Tyger may be tamed: but a froward woman will neuer be tamed, no spur will make her goe, nor no bridle will hold her backe; for if a woman hold an opinion, no man can draw her from it: tell her of her fault, she will not beleeue that she is in any fault: giuegive her good counsell, but she will not take it; if you doe but looke after another woman, then she will be iealous, the more thou louest her, the more she will disdaine thee; and if thou threaten her, then she wil be angry; flatter her, and then she will be proud; and if thou forbeare her, it maketh her bold, and if thou chasten her, then she will turne to a Serpent; at a word, a woman will neuer forget an iniury, nor giuegive thanks for a good turne: what wise man then will exchange gould for drosse, pleasure for paine, a quiet life, for wrangling brawles, from the which the married men are neuer free?
Salomon saith, that women are like vntounto wine, for that they will make men drunke with their deuices.
Againe, in their louelove a woman is compared to a pommis-stone, for which way soeuer you turne a pommis stone, it is full of holes; euen so are womens hearts, for if louelove steale in at one hole, it steppeth out at another.
They are also compared vntounto a painted ship, which seemeth faire outwardly, & yet nothing but ballace within her; or as the Idolls in Spaine, which are brauely gilt outwardly, and yet nothing but lead within them; or like vntounto the Sea, which at some times is so calm, that a cockbote may safely endure her might, but anon againe with outrage she is so growne, that it ouerwhelmeth the tallest ship that is.
A froward woman is compared to the wind, and a still woman vntounto the Sunne: for the Sunne and the wind met a traueller vponupon the way, and they laid a wager, which of them should get his cloake from him first; then first the wind began boisterously to blow, but the more the wind did blow, the more the traueller wrapped and gathered his cloake about him; now when the wind had done what he could, and was neuer the neerer, then began the Sun gently to shine vponupon him, and he threw off, not onelyonly his cloake, but also his hat and ierkin: this morall sheweth, that a woman with high words can get nothing at the hands of her husband, neuer by froward meanes, but by gentle and faire meanes she may get his heart-bloud to doe her good.
As women are compared vntounto many things, euen so many, and many more troubles commeth galloping after the heeles of a woman, that young men beforehand doe not thinke of; for the world is not made all of ote-meale, nor all is not gold that glistereth, nor the way to Heauen is not strewed with rushes, no more is the cradle of ease in a womans lappe. If thou wert a Seruant or in bondage before, yet when thou doest marry, thy toile is neuer the neerer ended, for euen then and not before, thou doest change thy golden time for a drop of hony, which presently afterwards turneth to be as bitter as wormwood.
Yet there are many young men which cudgell their wits, and beate their braines, and spend all their time in the louelove of women, and if they get a smile or but a fauour at their Loues hand, they straight-way are so rauished with ioy, yea so much, that they thinke they hauehave gotten God by the hand, but within a while after they will finde that they hauehave but the Deuill by the foot. A man may generally speake of women, that for the most part thou shalt find them dissembling in their deeds, and in all their actions subtill and dangerous for men to deale withall: for their faces are lures, their beauties are baytes, their looks are netts, and their wordes charmes, and all to bring men to ruine.
There is an old saying goeth thus, that he which hath a faire wife, and a white horse, shall neuer be without troubles; for a woman that hath a faire face, it is euer matched with a cruell heart, and her heauenly lookes with hellish thoughts; their modest countenance with mercilesse mindes, for women can both smooth and sooth: they are so cunning in the art of flattery, as if they had bin bound prentice to the trade, they hauehave Sirens songs to allure thee, and Xerxes cunning to inchant thee: they beare two tongues in one mouth like Iudas, and two hearts in one brest like Magus; the one full of smiles, and the other full of frownes, and all to deceiue the simple and plaine meaning men, they can with the Satyre out of one mouth blow both hot and colde.
And what of all this? why nothing, but to tell thee that a woman is better lost then found, better forsaken then taken. Saint Paul saith, that they which marry, doe well, but he also saith, that they which marry not, doe better: and he no doubt was well aduised what he spake. Then, if thou be wise, keepe thy head out of the halter, and take heed before thou hauehave cause to curse thy hard pennyworth, or wish the Priest speechlesse which knit the knot.
The Philosophers which liued in the olde time, their opinions were so hard of marriage, that they neuer delighted therein, for one of them being asked why hee married not? he answered, that it was too soone; and afterwards when he was old, he was asked the same question; and he said then that it was too late: and further he said, that a married man hath but two good daies to bee looked for, that was the marriage day, and the day of his wiues death: for a woman will feed thee with hony, and poyson thee with gall. Diogenes was so dogged, that hee abhorred all women, and Augustus wished, that he had liued wifelesse, and died childlesse.
On a time one asked Socrates, whether he were better to marry, or to liue single? and he made answere; which soeuer thou doest, it will repent thee: for if thou marriest not, then thou wilt liue discontented, and dye without issue, and so perhaps a stranger shall possesse thy goods: and if thou doest marry, thou shalt hauehave continuall vexations, her dowry will be often cast in thy dish, if she doe bring wealth with her: againe, if she complaine, then her kinsfolke will bend the brows, and her mother wil speake her pleasure by thee: and if thou marriest onelyonly for faire lookes, yet thou maiest hap to goe without them, when thou lookest for them: and if thou marriest one that is fruitfull in bearing of children, then will thy care be the more increased; for little doth the father know what shall be the end of his children: and if shee be barren, thou wilt loath her; and if honest, thou wilt feare her death; and if vnhonest, thou wilt be weary of thy life: for when thou hast her, thou must support her in all her bad actions, and that will be such a perpetuall burden vntounto thee, that thou hadst euen as good draw water continually, to fill a bottomlesse tubbe.
A Gentleman on a time said to his friend, I can helpe you to a good marriage for your sonne: his friend made him this answer; My sonne (said he) shall stay till hee hauehave more wit; the Gentleman replied againe: saying, If you marry him not before hee hath wit, hee will neuer marry so long as he liueth.
For a married man is like vntounto one arrested, and I think that many a man would flie vp into Heauen, if this arrest of marriage kept them not backe. It is said of one named Domett as that hee buried three wiues, and yet neuer wet one handkercher, no not shed not so much as one teare: also Vlisses, he had a Dog which loued him well, and when that Dog died, he wept bitterly, but hee neuer shed one teare when his Wife died: wherefore if thou marriest without respect, but onelyonly for bare louelove, then thou wilt afterwards with sorrow say, that there is more belongs to house-keeping then foure bare legges in a bed. A man cannot liue with his hands in his bosome, nor buy meat in the market for honesty without money: where there is nothing but bare walls, it is a fit house to breed beggers into the world: yet there are many which thinke when they are married, that they may liue by louelove: but if wealth be wanting, hot louelove will soone be cold, and your hot desires will be soone quenched with the smoke of pouerty. To what end then should we liue in louelove, seeing it is a life more to be feared then death? for all thy mony wastes in toyes, and is spent in banqueting, and al thy time in sighes and sobbes, to thinke vponupon thy trouble and charge which commonly commeth with a wife: for commonly women are proud without profit, and that is a good purgation for thy purse; and when thy purse is light, then will thy heart be heauie.
The pride of a woman is like the dropsie; for as drinke increaseth the drouth of the one, euen so money enlargeth the pride of the other: thy purse must be alwaie open to feed their fancy, and so thy expences will be great, and yet perhaps thy gettings small: thy house must be stored with costly stuffe, and yet perhaps thy Seruants starued for lacke of meat: thou must discharge the Mercers book, and pay the Haberdashers man; for her Hat must continually be of the new fashion, & her Gowne of finer wool then the sheepe beareth any: she must likewise hauehave her Iewell-box furnished, especially if she be beautifull; for then commonly beauty and pride goeth together, and a beautifull woman is for the most part costly, and no good huswife; and if she be a good huswife, then no seruant will abide her fierce cruelty; and if shee be honest and chaste, then commonly she is iealous: a Kings crowne and a faire woman is desired of many.
But he that getteth either of them, liueth in great troubles and hazzard of his life: he that getteth a faire woman is like vntounto a Prisoner loaden with fetters of golde: for thou shalt not so oft kisse the sweet lippes of thy beautifull wife, as thou shalt bee driuen to fetch bitter sighes from thy sorrowful heart, in thinking of the charge which commeth by her for if thou deny her of such toyes as she stands not in neede of, and yet is desirous of them, then she will quickly shut thee out of the doores of her fauor, & deny thee her person, and shew her selfe as it were at a window playing vponupon thee, not with small shot, but with a cruell tongue shee will ring thee such a peale, that one would thinke the Deuill were come from Hell, saying, I might hauehave had those which would hauehave maintained me like a woman, whereas now I goe like no-body: but I will be maintained if thou wert hanged: with such like words she will vex thee, blubbering forth abundance of dissembling teares (for women doe teach their eies to weepe) for doe but crosse a woman, although it be neuer so little, shee will straightway put finger in the eye and cry: then presently many a foolish man will flatter her and intreat her to be quiet: but that marres all, for the more shee is intreated, shee will powre forth the more aboundance of deceitfull teares, and therefore no more to be pittied, then to see a Goose goe barefoote; for they hauehave teares at commaund, so hauehave they wordes at will, and oathes at pleasure; for they make as much account of an oath, as a Marchant doth, which will forsweare himselfe for the getting of a penny. I neuer yet knew woman that would deny to sweare in defence of her own honesty, and alwaies standing highly vponupon it, although she be ashamed to weare it in winter for catching of colde, nor in summer for heat, fearing lest it may melt away.
Many will say, this which I write is true, and yet they cannot beware of the Deuill, vntill they are plagued with his Dam; the little Lambe skips and leapes till the Fox come, but then he quiuers and shakes: the Beare daunces at the stake, till the Dogges be vponupon his backe: and some men neuer feare their money, vntill they come into the hands of theeues; euen so some will neuer bee warned, and therefore us not to be pittied if they be harmed: what are women, that make thee so greedily to gape after them? Indeed, some their faces are fairer and beautifuller then others, some againe stand highly vppon their fine foot and hand, or else all women are alike: Ione is as good as my Lady, according to the Countrey mans Prouerbe, who gaue a great summe of money to lye with a Lady, and going homewards, he made a greeuous mone for his money, and one being on the other side the hedge heard him say, that his Ione at home was as good as the Lady. But whether this bee true or no, my selfe I doe not know, but you hauehave it as I heard it.
If thou marriest a woman of euill report, her discredit will be a spotte in thy brow, thou canst not goe in the street with her without mocks, nor amongst thy neighbours without frumps, and commonly the fairest women are soonest intised to yeeld vntounto vanity: hee that hath a faire wife and a whetstone, eueryevery one will bee whetting thereon; and a Castle is hard to keepe when it is assaulted by many, and faire women are commonly catched at: hee that marrieth a faire woman, eueryevery one will wish his death to enioy her; and if thou be neuer so rich, and yet but a Clowne in condition, then will thy faire Wife hauehave her credit to please her fancy, for a Diamond hath not his grace but in gold, no more hath a faire woman her full commendations but in the ornament of her brauery, by which meanes there are diuers women, whose beauty hath brought their husbands into great pouerty and discredit by their pride and whooredome: a faire woman commonly will goe like a Peacocke, and her Husband must goe like a Woodcocke.
That great Giant Pamphimapho, who had Beares waiting vponupon him like Dogges, and he could make tame any wild beast, yet a wanton woman hee could neuer rule nor turne to his will.
Salomon was the wisest Prince that euer was, yet he lusted after so many women, that they made him quickly forsake his God which did alwaies guide his steppes, so long as he liued godly.
And was not Dauid the best beloued of God, and a mighty Prince? yet for the louelove of women he purchased the displeasure of his God Sampson was the strongest man that euer was; for eueryevery lock of his head was the strength of another man, yet by a woman he was ouercome; hee reuealed his strength, and payed his life for that folly. Did not Iesabel for her wicked lust cause her husbands blood to be giuen to dogs?
Iobs wife gaue her husband counsell to blaspheme God and to curse him.
Agamemnons wife for a small iniury that her husband did her, she first committed adultery, and afterwards consented to his death.
Also the wife of Hercules, she gaue her husband a poysoned shirt, which was no sooner on his backe, but did sticke so fast, that when hee would hauehave plucked it off, it tore the flesh with it.
If thou wilt auoyd these euils, thou must with Vlisses bind thy selfe to the mast of the ship, as hee did, or else it would hauehave cost him his life; for otherwise the Syrenian women would hauehave intised him into the Sea, if he had not so done.
It is wonderful to see the mad feates of women, for she will be now merry, then againe sad; now laugh, then weep; now sicke, then presently whole; all things which like not them, are naught: and if it be neuer so bad, if it like them, it is excellent: againe, it is death for women to bee denied the thing which they demand: and yet they will despise things giuen them vnasked.
When a woman wanteth any thing, shee will flatter and speake faire, not much vnlike the flattering Butcher, who gently claweth the Oxe, when hee intendeth to knock him on the head: but the thing being once obtained, and their desires gained, then they will begin to look bigge, and answere so stately, and speake so scornefully, that one would imagine they would neuer seeke help, nor craue comfort at thy hands any more. But a woman is compared vntounto a shippe, which being neuer so well rigged, yet one thing or other is to be amended: euen so giuegive a woman all that she can demaund to day, yet she will be out of reparations to morrow; and want one thing or other.
Women are called night Crowes, for that commonly in the night they will make request for such toyes as commeth in their heades in the day: for women know their time to worke their craft, for in the night they will worke a man like waxe, and draw him like as the Adamant doth the Iron, and hauing once brought him to the bent of their bowe, then she makes request for a Gowne of the new fashion stuffe: or for a Petticote of the finest stammell: or for a Hat of the newest fashion. Her husband being ouercome by her flattering speech, partly hee yeeldeth to her request, although it be a greefe to him for that he can hardly spare it out of his stocke, yet for quietnesse sake, he doth promise what she demaundeth, partly because he would sleepe quietly in his bed: againe eueryevery married man knowes this, that a woman will neuer bee quiet, if her mind be set vponupon a thing, til she hauehave it.
Now, if thou driue her off with delayes, then her forehead will be so full of frownes, as if shee threatned to make clubs trump, and thou neuer a blacke carde in thy hand: for except a woman hauehave what she will, say what she list, and goe where shee please, otherwise thy house will be so full of smoke, that thou canst not stay in it.
It is said, that an olde dog and a hungry flea byte sore; but in my minde, a froward woman biteth more sorer; and if thou go about to master a woman, in hope to bring her to humility; there is no way to make her good with stripes, except thou beat her to death: for doe what thou wilt, yet a froward woman in her frantick mood will pull, haule, swerue, scratch and teare all that stands in her way.
What wilt thou that I say more, oh thou poore married man? If women doe not feele the raine, yet heere is a showre comming which will wet them to the skinnes: A woman which is faire in shew, is foule in condition: shee is like vntounto a glow-worme, which is bright in the hedge, and blacke in the hand; in the greenest grasse lyethhid the greatest Serpents: painted pottes commonly hold deadly poyson: and in the cleerest water the vgliest Tode; and the fairest woman hath some filthines in her.
All is not gold that glistereth: a smiling countenance is no certaine testimoniall of a merry heart, nor costly garments of a rich purse: men doe not commend a Iudge, for that he weareth a Skarlet gowne, but for his iust dealing; no more are women to be esteemed of by the ornament of their brauery, but for their good behauiour; yet there is no riuer so cleere, but there is some durt in the bottome: But many a man in this land, we need not goe any further for examples, but heere wee may see many fooles in eueryevery place snared in womens nets, after a little familiarity and acquaintance with them: I thinke if they were numbred, the number would passe infinite, if it were possible, which for the louelove of wantons hauehave lost their voyages at Sea to their great hinderances, and many other hauehave neuer regarded the farre distance which they hauehave beene from their countrey and friends, vntill they had consumed their substance, and then being ashamed to returne home againe in such bad sort, I meane, by weeping crosse, and pennilesse bench, many of them rather choose to deserue Newgate, and so come to Tiburne, far contrary from the expectation of their friends and Parents, which had otherwise prouided for them, if they had had grace, or would hauehave beene ruled.