The Theater of the Popes Monarchy, Part 7
Of the Popes Consistorie Courtes, with the abuses thereof.
Stuperius.
HE hath courtes of diuers and sundrie kindes, the seuerall abuses whereof, if I should particularly intreat of, I should rather want time then matter. And therefore I will speake but only a worde or two concerning his consistorie court, the warehouse of al his horrible fraud, cosonage & deceite. In this court,The discriptiō of the Popes consistorie court. for money, croked things ar made straight, rough, smoth, truth, falshoode, falshood truth, light darknesse, darknesse light, as pleaseth the master of the fees. Heere golde striketh the stroke, siluer wayes downe the ballance, and friendship, bribes, and giftes carrie the palme of victorie away. Heere such marriages as Gods word knitteth together, are dissolued and broken: and such mariages as Gods worde doth separate are vnited together. In this baudie Courte are such filthie matters handeled,Baudy matters handled in the popes consistory court. as chaste eares would blush once to heare spoken of, continent sober minds would shame once to thinke of, and shamefast lippes would bashe to vtter or speake of. And yet wyll these Romish Doctours (Doctours of bawdrie) laughe at them tyll they chynke agayne.Doctors of baudry. Out of thys Consistorie Courte of Faculties the Quauemyre of all abhomination there bee graunted licences too marrie with whome,What thinges be graunted foorth of this consistorie court of the pope. where, and when thou wylte, for money, although it be thy own sister, and at any time of the yeere, as well at times prohibited,Fruites of the popes courte. as not prohibited, licences to eate flesh in lent, or any tyme els, licences to stand with thy cap vponupon thy head in the Church, at time of highe masse, licences to mary as many wiues as thou wilt, licences to commit whoredome, adulterie, and incest at thy pleasure, to keepe whores, & harlots besides thy wife, licences to cōmit Sodomitrie & buggery, licences to rob, to steale, too murther, to slap, & kill, to sweare, & blaspheme the sacred name of god: licences to hauehave as many benefices as thou canst get, licences to discontinue frō thy Benefices. And to conclude, there is no deed so haynous, no fact so pernitious, nor any crime so infamous, but for money thou maist hauehave a licēce in this court safely to commit it, & not only to cōmit it, but also to liue, and continue in it. Finally, in this court mayest thou hauehave a licence,All thinges in the popes courts to be had for money a tolleration, a quallification, & dispensation for any thing, & when thou hast doone, for money thou shalt hauehave a fayre absolution graunted thee vnderunder hand and seale manuel, to be discharged & set free à culpa & poena, Poena & culpathat is, both from the Faulte or Sinne committed, and also from the punishment or guilte, due for the same. Therefore what needest thou to care what thou doest? For if thou hast money enough,The pope for money wyll thruste thee into heauen whether thou wilt or no. feare not, thou shalt not onelyonly hauehave absolution, and pardon for all thy sinnes, but also in the end shalte bee chruste intoo heauen whether thou wilt or not. Such force hath money in this court.
Phile.
Bee there many officers in this cou…te?
Stupe.
Yea a great many: but because I will not bee tedious, I wyl speake but of one onelyonly: namely the officiall. This Officiall (I may tell you) is no small foole in this court,The official, & hys office. but euen such a fellow as ruleth all wyth a beck. Hym must you please (I hadde welnigh sayde grease) wyth money, bribes, and gyftes: if at least you euer meane too hauehave good of your Suite: hee onelyonly is the yolke of the egge (as they say) or as it were the ryght hand of the Bishoppe. By hym the Byshoppe casteth foorthe his flashing thunderboltes of citations,The thunderboltes of the romish bishop. suspensiōs, excommunications, and the like, whē no cause requireth it, agaynst better men then himselfe. But howsoeuer it falleth out, if thou bee once cited to appeare in this courte, I warne thee (aboue all thinges) to carry argent enough with thee,Money will serue thy turne dout thou not. and then I warraunt thee, thou shalt speed better then if the matter were such, that all lawes were on thy side. Then needest thou … care,Quid non pecunia potest. whether thy matter bee right or wrong, all is one for that if thou haste money enough. And thus much concerning the Popes consistorie courte, the officers, and abuses of the same.
Philemon.
I hauehave hearde talke of certaine Popysh Cha…ons, I pray you what bee they?