Account of the Life of Whitefield, Autobiography

Account of the Life of Whitefield · Autobiography

Mr. WHITEFIELD'S Brief ACCOUNT of the Firſt Part OF HIS LIFE.

SECTION I.

From my Infancy, 'till my being for ſome Time at the Univerſity.

I WAS born in Glouceſter in the Month of December, 1714. My Father and Mother kept the Bell-Inn: The former died when I was two Years old, the latter is now alive; and has often told me, how ſhe endured fourteen Weeks Sickneſs after ſhe brought me into the World; but was uſed to ſay, even when I was an Infant, that ſhe expected more Comfort from me than any other of her Children. This, with the Circumſtance of my being born in an Inn, has been often of Service to me, in exciting me to make good my Mother's p. 2Expectations; and to follow the Example of my dear Saviour, who was born in a Stable, and laid in a Manger belonging to an Inn.

My very infant Years muſt neceſſarily not be mentioned: Yet I can remember ſuch early Stirrings of Corruption in my Heart, as abundantly convince me, that I was conceived and born in Sin; that in me dwelleth no good Thing by Nature; and, that if GOD had not freely prevented me by his Grace, I muſt have been forever baniſhed from his divine Preſence.

I can truly ſay, I was froward from my Mother's Womb: I was ſo brutiſh as to hate Inſtruction, and uſed purpoſely to ſhun all Opportunities of receiving it. I can date ſome very early Acts of Uncleanneſs. I ſoon gave pregnant Proofs of an impudent Temper. Lying, filthy Talking, and fooliſh Jeſting, I was much addicted to, even when very young. Sometimes I uſed to Curſe, if not Swear. Stealing from my Mother I thought no Theft at all, and therefore uſed to make no Scruple of Stealing Money out of her Pocket before ſhe was up; and have more than once ſpent Money I took in the Houſe in buying Fruits, Tarts, &c. to ſatisfy my ſenſual Appetite. I was never much given to Fighting; but that, I fear, rather proceeded p. 3from Cowardice, than a Principle of Meekneſs, or a good Temper. Numbers of Sabbaths have I broken; and generally uſed to behave myſelf very irreverently in GOD's Sanctuaries. Much Money have I ſpent in Plays, and in the common Entertainments of the Age. Cards, and Reading Romances were my Heart's Delight. Often have I joined with others in Playing roguiſh Tricks; but was generally, if not always, happily detected; for which I have often ſince, and do now, praiſe GOD.

It would be endleſs to recount the Sins and Offences of my younger Days; they are more in Number than the Hairs of my Head; my Heart would fail me at the Remembrance of them, was I not aſſured that my Redeemer liveth ever to make Interceſſion for me. However the young Man in the Goſpel might boaſt, that he had kept, yet (with Shame and Confuſion of Face) I confeſs, that all GOD's Commandments I have broken from my Youth. Whatever foreſeen Fitneſs others may boaſt of for Salvation (if I trace myſelf from my Cradle to my Manhood) I can ſee nothing in me but a Fitneſs to be damned. And, if GOD had not quickened me by his Free Spirit when dead in Treſpaſſes and Sins, and irreſiſtibly worked upon my Soul, I had now either been ſitting. p. 4in Darkneſs and in the Shadow of Death, or been condemned, as the due Reward of my Crimes, to be forever lifting up my Eyes i… Torments.

But, ſuch was the Free Grace of GOD to me, that tho' Corruption worked ſo ſtrongly in my Soul, and produced ſuch early and bitter Fruits; yet, I can recollect very early Movings of the Bleſſed Spirit upon my Heart, ſufficient to ſatisfy me that GOD loved me with an everlaſting Love, and ſeparated me (even from my Mother's Womb) for the Work to which he afterwards was pleaſed to call me.

I had early ſome Convictions of Sin; and once, I remember, when Perſons (as they frequently did) made it their Buſineſs to tantalize me, I immediately retired to my Room and kneeled down, and with many Tears, prayed over that Pſalm wherein David ſo often repeats theſe Words, But in the Name of the LORD will I deſtroy them. I was always fond of being a Clergyman; I uſed frequently to imitate the Miniſter's Reading Prayers, and to make little Sermons in little Books about as long as my Finger. Part of the Money I uſed to ſteal from my Parents, I gave to the Poor, and ſome Books I privately took from others (for which I have ſince returned Four-fold) I remember were Books of Devotion.

p. 5My Mother was very careful of my Education, put me out to two different Schools to board, and always kept me in my tender Years (for which I can never ſufficiently thank her) from intermeddling in the leaſt with publick Buſineſs.

About the tenth Year of my Age, it pleaſed GOD to permit my Mother to marry a ſecond Time. It proved what the World would call an unhappy Match, as to temporal Things; but GOD overruled it for Good. It ſet many of my Brethren upon thinking more than otherwiſe they would have done, and made an uncommon Impreſſion upon my own Heart in particular.

When I was about Twelve, I was placed at a School called St. Mary de Cryps, in Glouceſter, the laſt G…amma… School I ever went to. Having a good Elocution and Memory, I was remark'd for my making Speeches before the Corporation at their annual Viſitations: But I cannot ſay I felt any Drawings of GOD upon my Soul, for a Year or two, ſaving, that I laid out ſome of the Money, that was given me on one of the fore-mentioned Occaſions, in Buying Ken's Manual for Wincheſter Scholars, a Book that had much affected me, when my Brother uſed p. 6to read it in my Mother's Troubles, and which, for ſome Time after I bought it, was of great Benefit to my Soul.

During the Time of my being at School, I was very fond of Reading Plays; and have kept from School for Days together, to prepare myſelf for acting them. My Maſter, ſeeing how mine and my School-Fellows Vein run, compos'd Something of this Kind for us himſelf, and cauſed … to dreſs myſelf in Girl's Cloaths (which I had often done) to act a Part before the Corporation; a Thing which ha… and, I truſt, will ſtill cauſe me much Sorrow, even to the End of my Life.

For, though GOD brought Good afterwards, even out of this Evil, as it was a Means of ſtrengthening my Memory, and teaching me a proper Geſture in Speaking; yet, this Way of Training up Youth, has a natural Tendency to debauch the Mind, to raiſe ill Paſſions, and to ſtuff the Memory with Things as contrary to the Goſpel of JESUS CHRIST as Darkneſs to Light, Hell to Heaven: However, though the firſt Thing I had to repent of, was my Education in general; yet, I muſt always acknowledge, my particular Thanks are due to my Maſter, for the great Pains he took with me and the other Scholars, in teaching us to ſpeak and write correctly.

p. 7Before I was Fifteen, having, as I thought, made a ſufficient Progreſs in the Claſſicks, and ſecretly longing to be ſet at Liberty from the Confinement of a School, I one Day told my Mother, ſince her Circumſtances would not permit to give me an Univerſity Education, more Learning, I thought, would ſpoil me for a Tradeſman; and therefore I judg'd it beſt, not to learn Latin any longer. She at firſt refuſed to conſent; but my Corruption ſoon got the better of her good Nature. Hereupon, for ſome Time, I went to learn to write only. But my Mother's Circumſtances being much on the Decline, and I being tractable that Way, I from Time to Time, began to aſſiſt her occaſionally in the Publick Houſe, till at length, I put on my blue Apron and my Snuffers, waſh'd Mops, clean'd Rooms, and, in one Word, became a profeſſed and common Drawer for near a Year and an half.

But he, who was with David when he was following the Sheep big with young, was with me even here. For notwithſtanding I was thus employed in a common Inn, and had ſometimes the Care of the whole Houſe upon my Hands; yet I compoſed two or three Sermons, and … one of them, in particular, to my … Brother. One Time, I remember, p. 8I was much preſſed to Self-Examination, and found myſelf very unwilling, at firſt, to look into my Heart. And when a dear Youth (now with GOD) would often come intreating me, when ſerving at the Bar, to go to Oxon; my general Anſwer was, I wiſh I could.

And He, that has promiſed to fulfil the Deſires of them that fear him, was pleaſed to fulfil this Deſire his holy Spirit had put into my Heart.

When I had been employed above a Year in this ſervile Manner, my Mother was obliged to leave the Inn. My Brother, who had been bred up for the Buſineſs, married. All was made over to him. I being accuſtom'd to the Houſe, it was agreed on all Hands, that I ſhould continue there as an Aſſiſtant. But GOD's Thoughts were not as our Thoughts; by his good Providence it happened, that my Siſter-in-Law and I could by no Means agree; and at length the Reſentment grew to ſuch an Height, that my proud Heart would ſcarce ſuffer me to ſpeak to her for three Weeks together: But, notwithſtanding I was much to blame, yet I uſed to retire and weep, as Hagar did before the LORD, little thinking, that GOD, by this Means, was forcing me out of the Publick-Buſineſs, and p. 9calling me from drawing Wine for Drunkards, to draw Water out of the Wells of Salvation, for the Refreſhment of his ſpiritual Iſrael. After continuing a long Time under this Burden of Mind, I at length reſolved, thinking my Abſence would make all Things eaſy, to go away: Accordingly, by the Advice of my Brother, and Conſent of my Mother, I went to ſee my elder Brother, then ſettled at Briſtol.

And here GOD was pleaſed to give me great Foretaſtes of his Love, and filled me with ſuch unſpeakable Raptures in St. John's Church, that I was carried out even beyond myſelf. I felt great Hungrings and Thirſtings after the bleſſed Sacrament, and wrote many pious Letters to my Mother, telling her, I would never go into the publick Employ again. Kempis was my great Delight, and I was always impatient, till the Bell rung to call me to tread the Courts of the LORD'S Houſe: But, in the Midſt of theſe Illuminations, ſomething ſecretly whiſper'd, this would not laſt.

And indeed ſo it happened: For (Oh that I could write it in Tears of Blood!) when I left Briſtol (as I did in about two Months) and returned to Glouceſter, I changed my Devotion with my Place. p. 10Alas, all my Fervour went off! I had no Inclination to go to Church or draw nigh unto GOD. In ſhort, my Heart (tho' I had ſo lately taſted of his Love) was far from him.

However, I had ſo much Religion left, as to perſiſt in my Reſolution not to live in the Inn: And therefore my Mother gave me leave, tho' ſhe had but a little Income, to have a Bed upon the Ground, and live at her Houſe, till Providence ſhould point out a Place for me.

Having now, as I thought, Nothing to do, it was a proper Seaſon for Satan to tempt me. Much of my Time I ſpent in reading Plays, and in ſaunt'ring from Place to Place. I was careful to adorn my Body, but took little Pains to deck and beautify my Soul. Evil Communications, with my old School-Fellows, ſoon corrupted my good Manners. By ſeeing their evil Practices, a Senſe of the divine Preſence and paſt Convictions inſenſibly wore off my Mind; and I at length fell ſecretly into a Sin, for which O…a… died; the diſmal Effects of which I have felt and groaned under ever ſince.

But GOD, whoſe Gifts and Callings are without Repentance, would let Nothing pluck me out of his Hands, tho' I was continually oppoſing the Spi…i… … p. 11Grace. He ſaw me, with Pity and Compaſſion, when lying in my Blood. He paſſed by me; He ſaid unto me, LIVE; and even then gave me ſome Foreſight of his Providing for me.

One Morning, as I was reading a Play to my Siſter, ſaid I, Siſter, I believe GOD intends Something for me, which we know not of. As I have been diligent in Buſineſs, I believe many would gladly have me for an Apprentice; but every Way ſeems to be barr'd up, ſo that GOD, I think, will provide for me ſome Way or other.

How I came to ſay theſe Words, I know not. GOD afterwards ſhewed me they came from him; for, having lived thus with my Mother for a conſiderable time, a young Student, who was once a School-Fellow, and then a Servitor of Pembroke-College, Oxon, came to pay my Mother a Viſit. Among other Converſation he told her, how he had diſcharged all College Expences that Quarter, and received a Penny. Upon this, my Mother immediately cried out, That will do for me. Then turning to me, ſhe ſaid, Will you go to Oxford, George? Yes, I replied, with all my Heart. Whereupon, having the ſame Friends as this Student had, my Mother, without Delay, waited upon them. They promiſed their Intereſt p. 12to get me a Servitor's Place in the ſame College. She then applied to my old Maſter, who much approv'd of my coming to School again.

In about a Week I went and re-enter'd myſelf, and being grown pretty much in Stature, my Maſter addreſſed me thus, I ſee George, you are advanced in Stature, but your better Part muſt needs have gone backwards. This made me bluſh. He ſet me a proper Theme to tranſlate into Latin; and tho' I had made no Application to my Claſſicks for ſo long a Time, yet I had but one inconſiderable Fault in my Exerciſe. This, I believe, ſomewhat ſurprized my Maſter, and has afforded me Matter of Praiſe and Thanks ever ſince.

Being re-ſettled at School, I ſpared no Pains to go forward in my Book. GOD was pleaſed to give me his Bleſſing; and I learnt much faſter than ever I did before.

All this while I continued in ſecret Sin; and at length got acquainted with a Set of ſuch debauched, abandoned, atheiſtical Youths, that if GOD, by his free, unmerited, diſtinguiſhing Grace, had not delivered me out of their Hands, I ſhould, long ſince, have ſat in the Scorner's Chair, My Thoughts of Religion, inſenſibly grew more and more lax. I went to p. 13publick Service only to make Game and walk about. I took Pleaſure in their lewd Converſation. I began to reaſon, as they did; and to aſk, Why GOD had given me Paſſions, and not permitted me to gratify them? Not conſidering, that GOD did not, originally, give us theſe corrupt Paſſions; and that he had promiſed Help to withſtand them, if we would aſk it of him. In ſhort, I ſoon made a great Proficiency in the School of the Devil. I affected to look rakiſh, and was in a fair Way of being as infamous as the worſt of them.

But (Oh ſtupendous Love!) GOD even here ſtopped me, when running on in a full Career to Hell. For, juſt as I was upon the Brink of Ruin, he gave me ſuch a Diſtaſte of their Principles and Practices, that I diſcovered them to my Maſter, who ſoon put a Stop to their Proceedings.

Being thus delivered out of the Snares of the Devil, I began to be more and more ſerious; and felt GOD convicting and working upon my Soul in ſome ſmall Degree. One Day, as I was coming down Stairs, and overheard my Friends ſpeaking well of me, GOD ſo deeply convicted me of my Hypocriſy, that tho' I had formed frequent, but ineffectual Reſolutions p. 14before, yet I had then Power given me, over my ſecret and darling S…. Notwithſtanding, ſome time afterwards, being overtaken in Liquor (as I have been twice or thrice in my Life time) Satan gained his uſual Advantage over me again. An experimental Proof to my poor Soul, how that wicked One makes Uſe of Men as Machines, to work up to juſt what he pleaſes, when by Intemperance they have chaſed the Spirit of GOD from them.

Being now near the Seventeenth Year of my Age, I was reſolved to prepare myſelf for the Holy Sacrament; which I received on Chriſtmas-Day. I began now to be more and more watchful over my Thoughts, Words and Actions: I kept the following Lent, Faſting Wedneſdays and Fridays, thirty ſix Hours together. My Evenings (when I had done waiting upon my Mother) were generally ſpent in Acts of Devotion, reading Drelincourt upon Death, and other practical Books; and I conſtantly went to publick Worſhip twice a Day. Being now Upper Boy, … GOD's Help, I made ſome Reformation among my School-Fellows. Was … diligent in Reading and Learning the … ſicks, and in Studying my Greek Teſtament: But was not yet convinced of the p. 15abſolute Unlawfulneſs of Playing Cards, Reading and Seeing Plays; tho' I begun to have ſome Scruples about them.

Near this Time I dream'd, That I was to ſee GOD on Mount Sinai; but was afraid to meet him. This made a great Impreſſion upon me: A Gentlewoman to whom I told it, ſaid, George this is a Call from GOD.

Still I grew more ſerious after this Dream; but yet Hypocriſy crept into every Action. As once I affected to look more Rakiſh, I now ſtrove to appear more Grave than really I was. However, an uncommon Concern and Alteration were viſible in my Behaviour. I often uſed to find fault with the Lightneſs of others, and ſometimes took upon me to reprove my elder Brethren.

Not long after, as I was going one Night on an Errand for my Mother, an unaccountable, but very ſtrong Impreſſion was made upon my Heart, that I ſhould preach and print quickly. When I came home I innocently told my Mother what had befallen me: But ſhe (like Joſeph's Parents, when he told them his Dream) turning ſhort upon me, cried out, What does the Boy mean? Prithee hold thy Tongue; or ſomething to that Purpoſe. Since, GOD has ſhewn her from whom thoſe Impreſ… came.

p. 16For a Twelve-Month I went on in a Round of Duties, receiving the Sacrament monthly, Faſting frequently, attending conſtantly on publick Worſhip, and Praying often more than twice a Day in private. One of my Brothers uſed to tell me, he fear'd this would not hold long, and that I would forget all when I came to Oxford. This Caution did me much Service; it fet me upon Praying to GOD for Perſeverance: And, under GOD, the Preparation I made in the Country was an excellent Preſervative againſt thoſe manifold Temptations which beſet me at my firſt coming to that Seat of Learning.

Being near Eighteen, it was judged a proper Time for my going to the Univerſity. GOD had ſweetly prepared my Way. The Friends before applied to, recommended me to the Maſter of Pembroke-College; another Friend took up Ten Pounds upon Bond (which I have ſince paid) to defray the firſt Expences of Entering; and the Maſter (contrary to all Expectations) admitted me Servitor immediately.

Soon after my Admiſſion, I went to reſide (and found my being) at a Publick Houſe was of Service to me: For, all the Servitors being ſick at my firſt coming up, by my diligent and ſpeedy Attendance, I ingratiated myſelf into the Gentlemens p. 17Favour ſo far, that many, who had it in their own Power, choſe me to be their Servitor. This much leſſen'd my Expence: And, indeed, GOD was ſo good to me, that with the Profits of my Place, and ſome little Preſents made me by my kind Tutor, for almoſt the Three firſt Years, I did not put all my Relations together to above Eight Pounds Expence per Ann. And it has often grieved my Soul, to ſee ſo many young Men ſpending their Subſtance in extravagant Living, and thereby entirely unfitting themſelves for the Proſecution of their Studies.

I had not been long here, before I found the Benefit of the Foundation I had laid in the Country for a Holy Life. I was quickly ſolicited to join with ſeveral, who lay in the ſame Room, in their Exceſs of Riot. GOD, in anſwer to my Prayers, gave me Grace to withſtand them; and, once in particular, it being cold, my Thighs were ſo benumb'd by Sitting alone in my Study, becauſe I would not go out amongſt them, that I could ſcarce ſleep all Night. But I ſoon found the Benefit of not Yielding: For, when they perceived they could not prevail, they let me alone for a ſingular, comical Fellow.

All this while I was not fully ſatisfied of the Sin of Playing at Cards, and Reading of p. 18Plays, 'til GOD, upon a Faſt-Day, was pleaſed to convince me: For taking the Play called George Barnwell, to read a Paſſage out of it to a Friend, GOD ſtruck my Heart with ſuch Power, that I was obliged to lay it down; and, bleſſed be his Name, I have never read any ſuch Book ſince.

Before I went to the Univerſity, I met with Mr. Law's Serious Call to a devout Life; but had not then Money enough to purchaſe it. Soon after my coming up to the Univerſity, I ſeeing a ſmall Edition of it in a Friend's Hand, ſoon procured it. GOD worked powerfully upon my Soul, as he has ſince upon many others, by that and his other Treatiſe upon Chriſtian Perfection; for which I deſire to bleſs his Holy Name.

I now began to pray and ſing Pſalms thrice every Day, beſides Morning and Evening; to faſt every Friday; and to receive the Sacrament at a Pariſh-Church near our College, and at the Caſtle where the deſpiſed Methodiſts uſed to receive once a Month.

The young Men ſo called, were then much talked of at Oxford: I had heard of and loved them, before I came to the Univerſity … ſo ſtrenuouſly defended them, when … them … by the Students, … that I alſo, … be one of them.

p. 19For above a Twelvemonth, my Soul …ged to be acquainted with them, and … was ſtrongly preſſed to follow their good example, when I ſaw them go through a …diculing Crowd to receive the holy Eu…ariſt at St. Mary's. At length GOD …as pleaſed to open a Door. It happened … a poor Woman, in one of the Work…ouſes, had attempted to cut her Throat, it was happily prevented. I hearing of …is, and knowing that both of the Mr. Weſleys were famous for being ready … very good Work, ſent a poor aged Apple-Woman of our College, to inform Mr. Charles Weſley of it, charging her not t… …ſcover who ſent her. She went, but, contrary to my Orders, diſcovered my name. He having heard of my coming … the Caſtle and Pariſh-Church Sacrament, and having met with me walking …equently by myſelf, followed the Woman when ſhe was gone away, and ſent … Invitation to me, by her, to come and …akfaſt with him the next Morning.

I thankfully embraced the Opportunity: …, bleſſed be GOD, it was one of the … profitable Viſits I ever made in my …. My Soul, at that Time, was … for ſome ſpiritual Friends to lift up … Hands when they hung down, and to … my feeble Knees. He ſoon p. 20diſcovered it, and, like a wiſe Winner of Souls, made all his Diſcourſe tend that Way; and after he had put into my Hands Frank's Treatiſe againſt the Fear of Man, and a Book, entitled, The Country Parſon's Advice to his Pariſhioners, the laſt of which was wonderfully bleſſed to my Soul, I took my Leave.

In a ſhort Time after, he let me have another Book, entitled, The Life of GOD in the Soul of Man. And, tho' I had faſted, watched, and prayed, and received the Sacrament ſo long, yet I never knew what true Religion was, till GOD ſent me that excellent Treatiſe, by the Hands of my never to be forgotten Friend Mr. Charles Weſley.

At my firſt Reading it, I wondered what the Author meant by ſaying, That ſome falſly placed Religion in going to Church, doing Hurt to no one, being conſtant in the Duties of the Cloſet, and now and then reaching out their Hands to give Alms to their Neighbours. Alas! thought I, if this be not Religion, What is? GOD ſoon ſhewed me: For reading in a few Lines following, That TRUE Religion was an Union of the Soul with GOD, and CHRIST formed within us; a Ray of divine … broke in upon my Soul, and from that p. 21Moment, but not till then, did I know …at I muſt be a New-Creature.

Upon this, like the Woman, when CHRIST revealed himſelf to her at the Well, I had no Reſt in my Soul till I wrote Letters to my Relations, telling them there was ſuch a Thing as the New-Birth. I imagined they would gladly have received them; but alas! my Words …em'd to them as idle Tales, they tho't that I was going beſide myſelf; and by their Letters, confirm'd me in the Reſolution I had taken up, not to go down into the Country, but continue where I was, to carry on the good Work GOD had begun in my Soul.

From time to time Mr. Weſley permitted me to come unto him, and inſtructed …e as I was able to bear it. By Degrees …e introduced me to the Reſt of his Chriſtian Brethren. They built me up daily … the Knowledge and Fear of GOD; and taught me to endure Hardſhip, like; good Soldier of JESUS CHRIST.

I now began, like them, to live by …; and to pick up the very Fragments … Time, that not a Moment of it … be loſt. Whether I eat or drank, … whatſoever I did, I did all to the Glory … GOD. Like them, having no Week… … (altho' the Rubrick requires p. 22it) at our College, I received it even Sunday at Chriſt Church. I joined with them in keeping the Stations, by Faſting Wedneſdays and Fridays; and left no Means unuſed, which I thought would lead me nearer to JESUS CHRIST.

Regular Retirement Morning and Evening I found ſome Difficulty in ſubmitting to, but it ſoon grew profitable and delightful. As I grew ripe for ſuch Exerciſes, I was from time to time engaged to viſit the Sick and the Priſoners, and to read to poor People, till I made it a Cuſtom, as moſt of us did, to ſpend an Hour every Day in doing Acts of Charity.

The Courſe of my Studies I ſoon entirely changed: Whereas, before I was paſſed in ſtudying the dry Sciences, and books that went no farther than the Surface, I now reſolved to read only ſuch Books as enter'd into the Heart of Religion, and led me directly into an experimental Knowledge of JESUS CHRIST and him crucified.

The lively Oracles of GOD were my Soul's Delight. The Book of the divine Laws was ſeldom out of my … meditated therein Day and Night … ever ſince that, GOD has … proſperous, … Succeſs.

p. 23Much Good GOD enabled me to do to, as well as to receive from, the deſpiſed Methodiſts; and made me inſtrumental in converting One, who is lately come into the Church, and I truſt, will make a burning and a ſhining Light.

Several ſhort Fits of Illneſs was GOD pleaſed to viſit and try me with, after my firſt Acquaintance with Mr. Weſley. My new Convert was an Help-meet for me, in thoſe and in every other Circumſtance… And in Company with him and ſeveral other young Chriſtian Heroes, did I ſpend many ſweet and delightful Hours. Never did Perſons, I believe, ſtrive more earneſtly to enter in at the ſtrait …. They kept their Bodies under, even to an Extream. They were dead to the World, and willing to be counted as the … and Off-ſcouring of all Things, ſo … they might win CHRIST. Their Heart glowed with the Love of GOD; and they never proſpered ſo much in the inward Man, as when they had all Manner of Evil ſpoke againſt them falſly without.

Many came amongſt them for a while, who, in Time of Temptation, fell away. The Diſpleaſure of a Tutor or Head of a College the Changing of a Gown from …lower to a higher Degree; above all, … for the Praiſe of Men more than p. 24that which cometh from GOD, and a ſervile Fear of Contempt, cauſed Numbers that had put their Hands to the Plow, ſhamefully to look back. The World, not themſelves, gave them the Title of Methodiſts, I ſuppoſe, from their Cuſtom of regulating their Time, and planning the Buſineſs of the Day every Morning. Mr. John and Charles Weſley were the firſt that thus openly dared to confeſs CHRIST; and they, under GOD, were the ſpiritual Fathers of moſt of them. They had the Pleaſure of ſeeing the Work of the LORD proſper in their Hands, before they went to Georgia. Since their Return, the ſmall Grain of Muſtard-Seed has ſprung up apace; it has taken deep Root; it is growing into a great Tree: … long, I truſt, it will fill the Land; and Numbers of Souls will come from the Eaſt and from the Weſt, from the North and from the South, and lodge under the … of it.

But to return; whilſt I was thus comforted on every Side, by daily … with ſo many Chriſtian Friends, … was pleaſed to permit Satan to … Wheat; a general Account of … ſhall, by divine Aſſiſtance, … following Section.

p. 25SECTION II.

A Brief and Summary Account of my Temptations.

AT my firſt ſetting out, in Compaſſion to my Weakneſs, I grew in Favour both with GOD and Man; and uſed to be wrapped up with ſenſible Devotions, eſpecially at the bleſſed Sacrament. But when Religion ſunk from my Head into my Heart, and I was fully convinced my Soul muſt totally be renewed ere it could ſee GOD, I was viſited with outward and inward Trials.

The firſt Thing I was called to give up for GOD, was, what the World calls, my fine Reputation. I had no ſooner received the Sacrament publickly, on a Week Day, at St. Mary's, but I was ſet up … a Mark, for all the polite Students, that knew me, to ſhoot at. By this they knew I was commenced Methodiſt. For th… there is a Sacrament at the Beginning … Term, at which all, eſpecially …, are by Statute obliged to be …; yet ſo dreadfully has that once … City played the Harlot, that no …, but thoſe of that Way, … upon it.

p. 26Mr. Charles Weſley (whom I muſt always mention with the greateſt Deference and Reſpect) walked with me, in order to confirm me, from the Church even to the College. I confeſs, to my Shame, I would gladly have excuſed him. And the next Day, going to his Room, and one of … Fellows paſſing by, I was aſhamed to … to knock at his Door. But, bleſſed … GOD, this curſed Fear of Man … wore off. As I had imitated … in his Cowardice, ſo, by the divine Aſſiſtance, I followed him in his Courage. … confeſs'd the Methodiſts more and more publickly every Day. I walked openly with them, and rather choſe to endure contempt with thoſe deſpiſed People of …, than enjoy the Applauſe of almoſt … for a Seaſon.

Soon after this, I incurred the Diſplea… of the Maſter of the College, who … chid and once threat'ned to … me, if ever I viſited the Poor again. … ſurprized with his Treatment, and … by his Authority, I ſpake … with my Lips, and ſaid, if it diſpleaſed him, I would not. My Conſcience … pricked me for this ſinful Compliance. I immediately repented, viſited the Poor … firſt Opportunity; and told my Companions, if I was called to ſuffer … p. 27CHRIST'S Sake, I would do with my Tongue as Archbiſhop Granmer did with his Hands, make that burn firſt.

My Tutor, being a moderate Man, did not oppoſe me much; but thought, I believe, that I went a little too far. He lent me Books, gave me Money, viſited and furniſhed me with a Phyſician when ſick. In ſhort, he behaved, in all Reſpects, like a Father; and, I truſt, GOD will remember him for Good, in anſwer to thoſe many Prayers I have put up in his Behalf.

My Relations were quickly alarmed at the Alteration of my Behaviour, conceived ſtrong Prejudices againſt me, and for ſome Time counted my Life but Madneſs.

I daily underwent ſome Contempt at College. Some have thrown at me; others, by Degrees, took their Pay from me; and two Friends, who were, dear to me, grew ſhy of and forſook me, what they ſaw me reſolved to deny myſelf, take up my Croſs daily, and follow JESUS CHRIST: But our LORD, by his Spirit, ſoon convinced me, that I muſt not … after the Fleſh. And I ſoon found that Promiſe literally fulfilled, viz. That … Father or Mother, Brethren or … Houses or Lands, for CHRIST … Gospel, but what ſhall … p. 28an Hundred-Fold in this Life, with Perſecution, as well as Eternal-Life in the World to come.

Theſe, tho' little, were uſeful Tryals. They inured me to Contempt, leſſen'd Self-Love, and taught me to die daily. My inward Sufferings were of a more uncommon Nature. Satan ſeemed to have deſired me in particular, to ſift me as Wheat. GOD permitted him; for what Reaſon, I have ſeen already, viz. That his future Bleſſings might not prove my Ruin.

Ever ſince my firſt Awakenings to the divine Light, I felt a particular Hungring and Thirſting after the Humility of JESUS CHRIST. Night and Day I prayed to be Partaker of that Grace; imagining the Habit of Humility would be inſtantaneouſly infus'd into my Soul. But as Gideon taught the Men of Succoth by Thorns, ſo GOD (if I am yet in any Meaſure bleſſed with true Poverty of Spirit) taught it me by ſtrong Temptations.

I obſerved before, how I uſed to be favour'd with ſenſible Devotions. Thoſe Comforts were ſoon withdrawn, and an horrible Fearfulneſs and Dread permitted to overwhelm my Soul. One Morning, in particular, riſing from my Bed, I … an unuſual Oppreſſion and Weight upon my Breaſt, attended with inward Darkneſs. p. 29I applied to my Friend Mr. Charles Weſley. He adviſed me to keep upon my Watch, and referr'd me to a Chapter in Kempis.

In a ſhort Time I perceived this Load gradually increaſed, till it almoſt weighed me down; and as fully convinced me, that Satan had as real a Poſſeſſion given him of my Body, as he had over Job's. All Power of Meditating, or even Thinking, was taken from me. My Memory quite fail'd me. My whole Soul was barren and dry; and I could fancy myſelf to be like Nothing, ſo much as a Man locked up in Iron Armour.

Whenever I kneeled down, I felt great Heavings in my Body; and have often prayed under the Weight of them, till the Sweat came through me. At theſe Times Satan uſed to terrify me much, and threatned to puniſh me if I diſcovered his Wiles. It being my Buſineſs, as Servitor, in my Turn, to knock at the Gentlemen's Rooms by Ten at Night, to ſee who were in their Rooms, I thought the Devil would appear to me every Stair I went up; and he ſo troubled me when Play down to reſt, that for ſome Months I ſcarce ſlept above three Hours in a Night.

GOD only knows how many Evenings I have lain upon my Bed, groaning under the Weight I felt, and bidding Satan p. 30depart from me, in the Name of JESUS of Nazareth, Whole Days and Weeks have I ſpent in lying proſtrate on the Ground, and begging for Freedom from thoſe proud helliſh Thoughts, which uſed to croud in upon and diſtract my Soul. But GOD made Satan drive out Satan. For theſe Thoughts and Suggeſtions raiſed ſuch a Self-Abhorrence within me, that I never ceaſed wreſtling with GOD, till he bleſſed me with a Victory over them. Self-Love, Self Will, Pride and Envy, ſo buffeted me in their Turns, that I was reſolved either to die or conquer. I wanted to ſee Sin as it was; but feared, at the ſame Time, leſt the Sight of it ſhould terrify me to Death.

Whilſt my inward Man was thus exerciſed, my outward Man was not unemploy'd. I ſoon found what a Slave I had … to my ſenſual Appetite, and now reſolved to get the Maſtery over it, by the Help of JESUS CHRIST. Accordingly, … Degrees, I began to leave off eating …, Fruit, and ſuch like; and gave the … I uſually ſpent in that Way, to the Poor. I always choſe the worſt Sort … Food, tho' my Place furniſh'd me with variety. I faſted twice a Week. My Apparel was very mean. I thought … unbecoming a Penitent to have his … p. 31powder'd. I wore woollen Gloves, a patch'd Gown and dirty Shoes. And tho' I was then, in ſome Degree, convinced, that the Kingdom of GOD did not conſiſt in Meats and Drinks; yet I reſolutely perſiſted in theſe voluntary Acts of Self-Denial, becauſe I found them great Promoters of the ſpiritual life.

For many Months I went on in the State before deſcribed …, … yet purſuing, travelling alone in the Dark, hoping that the Star I … ſeen, would hereafter appear again. During this Seaſon I was very active; but … Pride creep in at the End of almoſt … Thought, Word and Action, and … with Caſtaniza's Spiritual Combat, in which he ſays, That he that was employed he mortifying his Will, was as well employed as tho' he was converting Indians, or Words to that Effect; Satan ſo impoſed upon my Underſtanding, that he perſwaded me to ſhut myſelf up in my Study, till I could do Good with a ſingle Eye; leſt in endeavouring to ſave others, as I did now I ſhould at laſt, by Pride and Self-Complacence, loſe myſelf.

… forward he transformed himſelf … Angel of Light; and worked ſo … upon my Underſtanding, that I … the good, and not the evil Spirit, p. 32ſuggeſted to me every Thing that I did.

His main Drift now, was to lead me into a State of Quietiſm. He generally plowed with GOD'S Heifer; and when the Holy Spirit put into my Heart good Thoughts or Convictions, he always drove them to Extremes. For Inſtance, being check'd, for having, out of Pride, put down in my Diary what I gave away, Satan tempted me to lay my Diary quite aſide. When Caſtaniza adviſed to talk but little, Satan ſaid I muſt not talk at all: So that I, who uſed to be moſt forward in exhorting my Companions, have ſat whole Nights without ſpeaking ſcarce any Thing. Again, when Caſtaniza told me about keeping up a ſilent Recollection to GOD, Satan told me, I muſt leave off all Forms, and not uſe my Voice in Prayer at all. The Time would fail me, was I to recount all the Inſtances, of this Kind, in which he has deceived me. But when … came to an Extremity, GOD always ſhewed me my Error, and by his Spirit pointed out a Way for me to eſcape.

The Devil alſo ſadly impoſed upon me in doing my College Exerciſe. Whenever I went to compoſe my Theme, my Head was like Braſs. I had not Power to write a Word, nor tell my Chriſtian… Friends of my Inability for ſo doing. Saturday p. 33being come (which is the Day the Students give up their Compoſitions) Satan (but, as I thought, the Holy Spirit) told me I muſt go down in the Hall, confeſs I could not make a Theme, and ſo publickly ſuffer for my Maſter's Sake. When the Bell rung to call us, I went to open the Door to go down Stairs; but feeling ſomething give me a violent inward Check, I retired into my Study, and continued inſtant in Prayer, waiting the Event. My Tutor fined me Half a Crown. The next Week Satan ſerved me ſo again. But having now got more Strength, and perceiving no inward Check, I went into the Hall. My Name being called, I ſtood up, and told my Tutor I could not make a Theme. I think he fined me a ſecond Time; but, knowing that I would not wilfully neglect my Exerciſe, he afterwards called me into the common Room, and kindly inquired whether any Misfortune had befallen me, or what was the Reaſon I could not make a Theme. I burſt into a Flood of …, aſſured him, it was not out of Contempt of Authority, and that I could not act otherwiſe; then, at length, he ſaid, he believed I could not. And when he left me, told a Friend (as he very well might) that he took me to be really mad. This p. 34Friend, hearing from my Tutor what had happen'd, came to me, urging the Command in Scripture, to be ſubject to the higher Powers. I anſwered, YES, but I have a new Revelation. So artfully did the Devil lead me Captive at his Will. By this was I experimentally convinced, that my Underſtanding was not my own.

Further, as I daily got Strength by continued, tho' almoſt ſilent Prayer, in my Study, my Temptations grew ſtronger, particularly for two or three Days before Deliverance came. Near five or ſix Weeks had I now ſpent in my Study, except when I was obliged to go out. During this Time, I was battling with my Corruptions, and did little elſe beſides … down by my Bed-ſide, under great Loads upon my Body, and unſpeakable Preſſure of Mind, offering up my Soul to GOD thro' CHRIST, to ſtamp what he pleaſed upon it. Satan began now to ſuggeſt to me that JESUS CHRIST went among the wild Beaſts when he was tempted, and that I ought to follow his Example. Whereupon, being willing to copy after JESUS CHRIST, after Supper I went into Chriſt-Church, walk'd near our College, and continued in ſilent Prayer, under one of the Trees, for near two Hours ſometimes lying flat upon … p. 35Face, ſometimes kneeling upon my Knees, all the while fearing Mr. John Weſley (who I knew was not far off reading the Holy Scripture to ſome young Gentlemen, at his Brother's Room) ſhould be deſtroyed with Pride. It being a very bluſterous, ſtormy Night, it gave me awful Thoughts of the Day of Judgment. I continued, I think, till Great Tom called me Home. And finding ſome Reluctance in the natural Man againſt ſtaying ſo long in the Cold, when I roſe off my Knees, I fell a Rubbing my Hands, and haſted to College, ſaying theſe Words, I am but a freſh Water Soldier.

The next Night I repeated the ſame Exerciſe, at the ſame Place; but Satan (as he always does) now overſhot, and thereby diſcovered himſelf; or rather, the Hour of Extremity being come, GOD was pleaſed to interpoſe.

By this Time I had left off keeping my Diary, uſing any Forms or ſcarce my Voice in Prayer, viſiting the Priſoners, &c. Nothing remained for me to leave (unleſs I forſook Publick Worſhip, which I believe I ſhould have done ſhortly) but my religious Friends. Satan now told me, that I muſt now even leave them for CHRIST'S Sake. This was a ſore Trial; but rather than not be CHRIST'S Diſciple p. 36I was reſolved to renounce them, tho' as dear to me as my own Soul. Accordingly, the next Day, being Wedneſday, whereon we kept one of our Weekly Faſts, inſtead of meeting with my Brethren, as uſual, I went out into the Fields, and prayed ſilently by myſelf. Our Evening Meeting I neglected alſo; and went not to Breakfaſt, according to Appointment, with Mr. Charles Weſly, the Day following. This, with many other concurring Circumſtances, made my honoured Friend, Mr. Charles Weſly, ſuſpect ſomething more th…n ordinary to be the Matter. He came to my Room, ſoon found out my Caſe, … me of my Danger, if I would not take Advice, and recommended me to … Brother, as more experienced in the … Life. GOD gave me (forever … be his holy Name) a teachable … I waited upon his Brother, with …, from that Time, I had the Honour … intimate. He adviſed me to … all my Externals, tho' not to … on them in the leaſt. From … line he gave me Directions, as … v…rtous and pitiable Caſes required; … at length, by his excellent Advice … Management of me, under GOD, I was delivered from theſe Wiles of Satan,—Praiſe the LORD, O my Soul, and … p. 37that is within me praiſe his holy Name!

During this, and all other Seaſons of Temptations, my Soul was inwardly ſupported with great Courage and Reſolution from above. Every Day GOD made me willing to renew the Combat; and tho' my Soul, when quite empty of GOD, was very prone to ſeek Satisfaction in the Creature; yet I was generally enabled to ſit in Silence, to wait for the Salvation of GOD; or to perſiſt in Prayer, till ſome Gleams of inward Comfort were given me from on High. Sometimes I fell into Senſuality.

Kempis (ſince tranſlated and publiſhed by Mr. John Weſly) Caſtaniza's Spiritual Combat, and the Greek Teſtament, which I prayed over, Verſe by Verſe, every Day, were great Means of carrying me on. At the Holy Sacrament, eſpecially before Trials, and juſt upon receiving the Elements, I have had Grace in an abundant and very perceptible Manner imparted to my Soul. An irrefragable … to me, againſt the Doctrine of that deteſtable Book, called, The plain Account … the Sacrament of the LORD's Supper, which ſinks that holy Ordinance into a bare Memorial. The Author without Repentance, ſhall bear his Puniſhment whoſoever he be.

p. 38To proceed, I had now taken up my Externals again. And tho' Satan, for ſome Weeks, had been bruiſing my Heel, GOD ſoon ſhewed me that I ſhould bruiſe his Head. A few Days after, as I was walking along, I met a poor Woman, whoſe Huſband was then in Bocardo, Oxford Town Goal, which I conſtantly viſited. Seeing her much diſcompos'd, I enquired the Cauſe: She told me, not being able to bear the Cries of her Children, ready to periſh for Hunger, and ſhe having nothing to relieve them, ſhe had been to drown herſelf, but was mercifully prevented; and ſaid, ſhe was coming to my Room to inform me of it. I gave her ſome immediate Relief, and deſired her to meet me at the Priſon with her Huſband in the Afternoon. She came, and GOD there apprehended them both by his Free Grace. She was powerfully quicken'd from above: And when I had done Reading, her Huſband came to me, like the Trembling Jaylor, and Graſping me hard, cried out, I am upon the Brink of Hell. From this Time forward both of them grew in Grace. GOD by his Providence ſoon delivered him from his Confinement: Tho' before … Offenders againſt GOD and one another … now they became Helps … for … other in the great Work of the… p. 39Salvation. They are both now living, and I truſt, will be my Joy and Crown of Rejoicing in the Day of our LORD JESUS.

Soon after this, the Holy Seaſon of Lent came on, which our Friends always kept very ſtrictly, Eating no Fleſh during the Six Weeks, except on Saturdays and Sundays; I abſtained frequently on Saturdays alſo, Eating nothing on that and other Days, except Sundays, but coarſe Bread and Sage Tea without Sugar. I conſtantly walk'd out in the cold Mornings till part of one of my Hands was quite black. This, with my continued Abſtinence and outward Conflicts, at length, ſo emaciated my inward Man, that at Paſſion Week, finding I could ſcarce creep up Stairs, I was obliged to inform my kind Tutor of my Condition, who immediately ſent for a Phyſician to me.

This cauſed no ſmall Triumph among the Collegians, who began to cry out, What is his Faſting come to now? But I rejoiced in this Reproach, knowing … tho' I had been imprudent and left much of my Fleſh, yet I had increaſed proportionably in the Spirit.

This Fit of Sickneſs continued upon me … above ſeven Weeks, and a glorious … it …. While … Phyſician … Purging my Body, … Spirit p. 40was purifying my Soul. All my groſs, and even my Heart Sins, were brought to my Remembrance, which I put down immediately, and confeſſed them before GOD Morning and Evening. Tho' weak, I often ſpent two Hours in my Evening Retirements, and Prayer over my Greek Teſtament, and Biſhop Hall's moſt excellent Contemplations, every Day that my Health would permit. About the End of ſeven Weeks, and after I had been Groaning under an unſpeakable Load both of Body and Soul for above a Twelvemonth, GOD was pleaſed to ſet me free in the following Manner: One Day perceiving an uncommon Drought and a noiſome Clammineſs in my Mouth, and uſing Things to allay my Thirſt, but in vain; … was ſuggeſted to me, that when JESUS CHRIST cried out I Thirſt, his Sufferings … over. Upon this, I threw …, the Bed, crying out, I Thirſt, I …: Soon after I perceived my … off, a Spirit of Mourning was taken … me, and I knew what it was truly to rejoice in the LORD. At firſt, after that, I could not avoid Singing Pſalms wherever I was; but my Joy gradually … more ſettled, and, bleſſed be GOD, … abode and … in my Soul (ſaving … few caſual …) ever ſince.

p. 41Thus were the Days of my Mourning ended. After a long Night of Deſertion and Temptation, the Star which I had ſeen at Diſtance before, began to appear again, and the Day-Star aroſe in my Heart. Now did GOD take full Poſſeſſion of my Soul; and, as I humbly hope, ſealed me to the Day of Redemption.

SECTION III.

From the Time of my firſt Leaving the Univerſity, to go to Glouceſter, till the Time of my Ordination.

AS faſt as I got Strength from the Sickneſs before-mentioned, my Tutor, Phyſician, and ſome others, were ſtill urging me to go into the Country; hoping thereby to divert me (as they thought) from my preſent too intenſe Application to Religion. I had for ſometime been aware of their Deſign, and wrote Letters, beſeeching my Mother, if ſhe valued my Soul, not to lay her Commands on me to come down. She was pleaſed to leave me to my Choice; but finding, at laſt, it was neceſſary for my Health, and many other providential Circumſtances pointing out my Way, after earneſt Prayer for Support, p. 42by the Advice of Friends, I left my ſweet. Retreat at Oxford, and went to Glouceſter, the Place of my Nativity.

GOD having now given me the Spirit of Adoption, my Friends were ſurpriſed to ſee me look and behave ſo chearful after the many Reports they had heard concerning me. However, I ſoon found myſelf to be a Sheep ſent forth amongſt Wolves in Sheep's Cloathing: For they immediately endeavour'd to diſſuade … (as they lately had a Friend that began with me) from ſuch a conſtant Uſe of the Means of Grace, eſpecially from weekly Abſtinence, and receiving the bleſſed Sacrament. But GOD enabled me to reſiſt them ſtedfaſtly in the Faith; and by keeping cloſe to him in Holy Ordinances, I was made to triumph over all.

… accuſtom'd, for a long Seaſon, … to live without ſpiritual Companions, and finding none that would join heartily with me, no not one, I watched unto Prayer all the Day long, beſeeching GOD … ſome religious Aſſociates in his … Way and Time.

… either … or make a Friend, had been my … and Practice for … the Houſe of … p. 43…merly had … Spectators, Pope's … trifling Books, … now might ſee in … might, under GOD, in … GOD … pleaſed … the … Effect. She received …. She wanted to be taught the Word of GOD more perfectly, and ſoon became a Feel for … Sake. Not long after, GOD made me inſtrumental to awaken … other young … who ſoon formed themſelves into …, and had quickly the … as we … them at Oxford. For they … live godly in … muſt ſuffer Perſecution.

My Mind being now more … and enlarged. I began to read the … Scriptures on my Knees, laying after all other Books, and praying over, … and Word. This proved …, and Drink … to my Soul. I … acquired freſh Light, Life, and … from above. I got more … knowledge from Reading the … one Month, then I could … me Writings in a … and it …, for …, every … p. 44the Man of GOD perfect, thoroughly furniſhed to every good WORD and WORK.

Before I returned from Glouceſter to Oxford, I ſpent three Weeks at Briſtol, where I went to ſee ſome Relations; but could not do them much good, becauſe of the Prejudices they had imbibed againſt me. I daily walked with GOD; and in viſiting an Aunt, then in an Alms-Houſe, GOD put in my Way a young Woman, who was hungring and thirſting after Righteouſneſs. She received the Word into an honeſt and good Heart, and ſince has proved a true Follower of JESUS CHRIST.—So good was God, even in thoſe early Days, not to leave me in any Place without a Witneſs.

According to his abundant Mercy, he alſo raiſed me up ſome temporal Supplies. … ſome time I had taken up the laudable Cuſtom of Profeſſor Frank, lately of Germany; and whenever I wanted any worldly Aſſiſtance, pleaded the Scripture Promiſes for the Things of this Life, as well … that which is to come, in the Name of … JESUS CHRIST. This is ſtill my …, and I never yet failed once of …. When I came from Oxford, on … of my Sickneſs, and other … and extraordinary Expences, I … twelve or thirteen Pounds; p. 45And when I was going to Briſtol my kind Hoſteſs (with whom I lodged at Glouceſter, and whoſe Huſband and Family I pray GOD eternally to bleſs) lent me half a Crown to bear my Charges on the Road. I was not diſheartned at the Lowneſs of my Circumſtances. I continued pleading the Promiſes in the Name of CHRIST; and ſoon after my coming to Briſtol received an Anſwer: For a Brother of mine coming from Sea, GOD inclined his Heart to give me four Guineas, and ſome Shirts. Likewiſe, when I returned to Glouceſter, as I did after I had continued a ſhort Time in Briſtol, thoſe I expected would aſſiſt me, did not; but Perſons I ſcarce ever ſpoke to, and who, I thought, were my Enemies, were raiſed up to furniſh me with Money; and thereby fulfilled that Promiſe, … firſt the Kingdom of GOD, and his Righteouſneſs, and all theſe Things ſhall be added unto you.

Oh what ſweet Communion did I daily carry on with GOD in Prayer after my … again to Glouceſter! How often … been carried out beyond myſelf, … Meditating, as Iſaac did, in the … How have I felt that CHRIST … me, and I in him! And, how did I daily walk in the Comforts of the … Ghoſt, and was edified! Not that I p. 46was always upon the Mount. Sometimes a Cloud would overſhadow me: But the Sun of Righteouſneſs quickly aroſe and diſpell'd it. I knew that it was JESUS that … himſelf unto my Soul.

I always obſerved, that as my inward Strength increaſed, ſo my outward Sphere of Action increaſed proportionably. In a ſhort … therefore, I began to read to … poor People twice or thrice a Week. … … viſited two other little Societies beſides my own, and almoſt every Day, been then and ſince, have found the Benefit of being tempted myſelf; becauſe that … taught me how to give proper Advice and Succour to thoſe that came to me … tempted.

…, as Buſineſs and Opportunity permitted, I generally viſited one or two ſick Perſons every Day: And tho' Silver and Gold I had little of my own; yet; in Imitation of my LORD'S Diſcipl…, who entreated in behalf of the fainting Multitude, I uſed to pray to him; and he … time to time inclined ſeveral that were rich in this World's Goods, to give … Money, ſo that I generally had a little Stock for the Poor in Hand. One of … Poor, whom I viſited in this Manner, … called effectually by GOD at the eleventh Hour. She was a Woman above … p. 47Years old; and I really believe died in the true Faith of our LORD JESUS CHRIST.

About this Time GOD was pleaſed to enlighten and bring me into the Knowledge of the Freeneſs of his Grace, and the Neceſſity of being juſtified, in his Sight, by FAITH alone. This was more extraordinary, becauſe our Friends at Oxon run into the Myſtick Scheme: And one of them (a dear Servant of our LORD) lately confeſſed he did not like me ſo well at my laſt coming to Oxford, as the reſt of his Brethren, becauſe I held Juſtification by Faith: And yet he obſerved I had more Succeſs. But, bleſſed be GOD, moſt of us now have been taught this Doctrine of GOD, and, I hope, ſhall be willing to die in the Defence of it. It is the good old … of the Church of England. It is what the Holy Martyrs in Queen Mary's Time ſealed with their Blood, and which, I pray GOD, if need be, that I and my Brethren, may ſeal with Ours.

Burkit's and Henry's Impositions were of admirable uſe to lead me into this and all other evangelical Truths. Many Months have I kneeled to ſtudy and pray over thoſe Books, as tho' I had been … at my Maſter's Feet. The Holy Spirit from time to time … into the knowledge p. 48of Divine Things; and I have been directed, by Watching, and Reading the Scriptures in this Manner, even in the minuteſt Circumſtances, as plainly as the Jews were, who conſulted the Urim and Thummim at the High Prieſt's Breaſt.

Allen's Alarm, Baxter's Call to the Unconverted, and Janeway's Life, when I read them at leiſure Hours, were much bleſſed to me. I bleſs GOD, the Partition Wall of Bigotry and Sectarianiſm was ſoon broken down out of my Heart. As ſoon as the Love of GOD was ſhed abroad in my Soul, I loved all, of whatever Denomination, that loved the LORD JESUS in Sincerity.

During my Stay here, GOD enabled me to give a publick Teſtimony of my Repentance for Seeing and Acting Plays. Hearing the Strolers were coming to Town, and knowing what an egregious Offender I had been, I wreſtled with GOD in Prayer to put me in a Way to manifeſt my Abhorrence of my former ill Conduct. In Anſwer to this. I was ſtirred up to … Mr. LAW'S excellent little Treaſure, entituled, The abſolute Unlawfulneſs of the Stage Entertainment. GOD gave me Favour in the Printer's Sight: At my Requeſt he put a little of it in the News for … Weeks ſucceſſively; and GOD was pleaſed to give it his Bleſſing.

p. 49Having been abſent for ſix Months from the Univerſity, I thought it time to think of moving thither; but before I came to a Reſolution, was convinced that the Hour for returning thither was not as yet come.

At my firſt coming to Glouceſter, being uſed to viſit the Priſoners at Oxford, I prayed moſt earneſtly that GOD would open a Door for me to viſit the Priſoners here alſo. Quickly after, I dream'd, That one of the Priſoners came to be inſtructed by me. The Dream was impreſſed much upon my Heart. In the Morning I went to the Door of the County Goal; I knocked, No-body came to open it; I thought the Hour was not yet come: I waited ſtill upon GOD in Prayer; and in ſome Months came a Letter from a Friend at Oxford, deſiring me to go to one Pebworth, who had broken out of Oxford Goal, and was retaken at Glouceſter. As ſoon as I had read this Letter, it was ſuggeſted to me, that my Prayer was now anſwered. Immediately I went to the Priſon, aſſuredly gathering that the LORD called me thither. I met with the Perſon, and finding him and ſome others willing to hear the Word of GOD (having gained leave of the Keeper and two Ordinaries) I conſtantly read to and prayed with them every Day I was in Town; I alſo begged Money for p. 50them … general, relieved one or two in particular, ordered Proviſions weekly to be diſtributed amongſt them, and put ſuch Books into their Hands as I judged moſt proper. I cannot ſay any one of the Priſoners was effectually wrought upon: However, much evil was prevented, many were convinced, and my own Soul much edifyed and ſtrengthned in the Love of GOD and Man.

Thus employed, I continued in my own City for three Months longer; deſpiſed indeed by many, but highly bleſſed and favoured by GOD. My Underſtanding was enlightened, my Will broke, and my Affections more and more … with a Zeal for CHRIST. … believe, were added to my Society, … ſhall be ſaved. Freſh Supplies came from unexpected Hands, to defray the … of the Univerſity, during my … … And at the End of about 9 … …turned thither, to the mutual … Comfort of me and my Friends, … was called to take upon me …; The particular Circumſtances of which I ſhall relate in the … lowing Chapter.

p. 51SECTION IV.

My Preparations for HOLY ORDERS.

FROM the Time I firſt enter'd at the Univerſity, eſpecially from the Time I knew what was true and undefiled Religion, I entertained high Thoughts of the Importance of the miniſterial Office; and was not ſolicitous what Place ſhould be prepared for me but how I ſhould, prepare myſelf for a Place.

That Saying of the Apoſtle, Not a Novice, leſt, being puffed up with Pride, he fall into the Condemnation of the Devil; And that firſt Queſtion of our excellent Ordination-Office, Do you truſt that you are inwardly moved by the HOLY GHOST to take upon you this Office and Adminiſtration, uſed to make me tremble, whenever I thought of entring into the Miniſtry. The Shyneſs that Moſes and ſome other Prophets expreſſed, when GOD ſent them out to act in a publick Capacity, I tho't … ſufficient Examples for me to learn … not to run before I was called. GOD knows my Heart, I never prayed more … againſt any Sin, than I did againſt entring into the Service of the p. 52Church ſo ſoon. Oftentimes have I been in an Agony in Prayer, when under Convictions of my Inſufficiency for ſo great a Work. With ſtrong Crying and Tears, in the Language of Moſes, I have cried out, LORD, I am a Youth of uncircumciſed Lips; LORD, ſend me not out into thy Vineyard yet. And ſometimes I had Reaſon to think, GOD was angry with me for reſiſting his Will. However, I reſolved to pray againſt it as long as I could. If GOD did not grant my Requeſt in keeping me out, I knew his Grace would be ſufficient to ſupport and ſtrengthen me, whenever he ſent me into the Miniſtry.

To my Prayers I added my Endeavours; and wrote Letters to my Friends at Oxford, beſeeching them to pray to GOD to diſappoint the Deſigns of my Country Friends, who were for my taking Orders as ſoon as poſſible. Their Anſwer was, Pray we the LORD of the Harveſt, to ſend THEE, and many more ſuch Labourers, into his Harveſt.

Another old and worthy Miniſter of JESUS, when I wrote to him about the Meaning of the Word Novice, anſwer… it meant a Novice in Grace and not … Years; and he was pleaſed to add, … Paul was at Glouceſter, he … Paul would ordain me. All … is did … p. 53ſatisfy me. I ſtill continued inſtant in Prayer againſt going into HOLY ORDERS, and was not thoroughly convinced it was the divine Will, till GOD, by his good Providence, brought me acquainted with the preſent Biſhop of Glouceſter.

Before I converſed with his Lordſhip, GOD was pleaſed to give me previous Notice of it. One Night, before I had the leaſt Proſpect of being called before the Biſhop, I dreamt, I was talking with him in his Palace, and that he gave me ſome Gold, which chinked in my Hands. Almoſt every Day after, this Dream would come into my Mind. Whenever I ſaw the Biſhop at Church, a ſtrong Perſuaſion would ariſe in my Mind, that I ſhould very ſhortly go to him. I always checked it, and prayed to GOD to preſerve … from over deſiring that Honour which cometh of Man. One Afternoon it … that the Biſhop took a ſolitary Walk, as I was told afterwards, to Lady Selwyn's, near Glouceſter, who, not long … had made me a Preſent of a Piec… … Gold. She, …, recommended … Biſhop. A few Days after, as … from the Cathedral Prayers, … of no ſuch Thing, one of the … after … and ſaid, the Biſhop p. 54deſired to ſpeak with me, I, forgetful, at that time, of my Dream, … turned back, conſidering within myſelf what I had done to deſerve his … Diſpleaſure. When I came to the Top of the Palace Stairs, the Biſhop … me by the Hand, told me He was … and begg'd me to wait a … put off his Habit, and he … me again. This gave …. Opportunity of praying … Aſſiſt…nce and adoring him … over me. At his … the Biſhop told me, he had heard of … Character, liked my Behaviour at Church; and after I told him my Age, … ſays he, I have declared … Three and … for … He then made … to buy … in my Hand, put me in … and … my Heart with … of God's Love.

…, this News … Man's Favour, … the Event of … I hid from the… … me hard, I was … liged p. 55to tell them, how the Biſhop, of his own Accord, had offer'd to give me HOLY ORDERS whenever I would. They (knowing how I had depended on the … His Lordſhip … made ſome Time ago, that he would … under Twenty-three) ſaid, … I then began to think ſo myſelf, … held out any longer, I ſhould … GOD. At length I came to … on, by GOD's Leave, to … myſelf for HOLY ORDERS the next … Days.

The only Thing … into what Part of … LORD's …. GOD had given me much Succeſs at Glouceſter; and, my Friends being deſirous … near them, I had ſome … GOD would ſettle me …. But when I came to Oxford, … urged ſeveral Reaſons for my … at the University, viz. … not long been gone abroad, … take Care of the … further urged, that God … Endeavours … p. 56known to me, ſome of them ſent to that great and good Man, the late Sir John Phillips, who was a great Encourager of the Oxford Methodiſts; and tho' he had never ſeen, but only heard of me, yet he ſent Word, he would allow me Thirty Pounds per Annum, if I would continue at the Univerſity. Upon this, finding the Care of the Priſoners would be no more than, under GOD, I could manage with Pleaſure; and knowing the Univerſity was the beſt Place to proſecute my Studies, I reſolved, GOD willing, to let Oxford have the Firſt-Fruits of my miniſterial Labours.

In the mean while (having before made ſome Obſervations upon the Thirty-nine Articles, and proved them by Scripture) I ſtrictly examined myſelf by the Qualifications required for a Miniſter, in Paul's Epiſtle to Timothy; and alſo every Queſtion that I knew was to be publickly aſked … at the Time of my Ordination. This … I drew out at large in Writing, and ſealed my Approbation of it every S…n…y at the bleſſed Sacrament. At length … Sunday being near at Hand, and having my Teſtimonial from the …, I went a Fortnight before-hand to … intending to compoſe ſome … and to give myſelf up … to Prayer. But GOD'S … p. 57are not as our Thoughts. When I came to Glouceſter, notwithſtanding I ſtrove and prayed for ſeveral Days, and had Matter enough in my Heart, yet I was ſo reſtrained, that I could not compoſe any Thing at all. I mentioned my Caſe to one Clergyman; he ſaid, I was an Enthuſiaſt. I wrote to another, who was experienced in the divine Life; he gave me ſome Reaſons why GOD might deal with me in that Manner, and withal promiſed me his Prayers. I joined with him in importunate Supplication, to know whether this Reſtraint was of GOD or the Devil. At laſt, reading Mr. Henry upon the Acts of the Apoſtles, this Paſſage was much preſſed upon my Heart, We aſſay'd to go into Bythynia, but the Spirit ſuffer'd us not. Looking a little farther, I found a Quotation out of Ezekiel, wherein GOD ſaid to that young Prophet, juſt after he had given him a divine and publick Commiſſion, Thou ſhalt be dumb, but when I ſpeak unto thee, then ſhalt thou ſpeak. This made me quite eaſy. The Remainder of the Fortnight I ſpent in reading the ſeveral Miſſions of the Prophets and Apoſtl…; and wreſtled with GOD to give me Grace to follow their good Examples.

About Three Days before Ordination, the Biſhop came to Town; the Evening p. 58after, I ſent his Lordſhip an Abſtract of my private Examination upon theſe two Queſtions, Do you truſt that you are inwardly …oved by the HOLY GHOST is take upon you this Office and Miniſtration? Are you called according to the Will of our LORD JESUS CHRIST and the Laws of this Realm?

The next Morning I waited on the Biſhop in Perſon. He received me with all Love; told me, He was glad I was come that he was ſatisfied with the Preparation, I had made, and with the Allowance given me by Sir John Philips. I had … ſelf, ſaid he, made Proviſion for you of two little Pariſhes; but ſince you chuſe to be … Oxford, I am very well pleaſed, I doubt … but you will do much good. Upon this, I took my leave, wondring at GOD's … towards … a Wretch, but … delighted, that in every …, he had made my Way into the Miniſtry ſo very plain before my ….

… I think was on Friday. The Day following I continued to ſpend …. In the Evening I retired to a Hill near the Town, … pray'd moſt fervently for about two Hours, in Behalf of myſelf and thoſe who were to be ordained with me.

p. 59On Sunday Morning I roſe early, and prayed over St. Paul's Epiſtle to Timothy, particularly that Precept, … no one deſpiſe thy …. When I went up to the Altar, I could think of Nothing but Samuel ſtanding before the LORD with a linnen Ephod. When the Biſhop laid his Hands upon my Head, my Heart was melted down, and I offer'd up my whole Spirit, Soul and Body to the Service of GOD's Sanctuary. I read the Goſpel, at the Biſhop's Command, with Power; and afterwards ſealed the good Confeſſion I had made before many Witneſſes, with CHRIST's moſt bleſſed Body.

Being reſtrained, as was before obſerved, I could not, tho' ſollicited thereto, preach in the Afternoon; but I read Prayers to the poor Priſoners, being willing to … the firſt Act of my miniſterial Office be an Act of Charity.

The next Morning, waiting upon GOD in Prayer, to know what he would have me to do, theſe Words, Speak out Paul, came with great Power upon my Heart. Immediately my Heart was enlarged: GOD ſpake to me by … Spirit; I was no longer dumb; I finiſhed a Sermon I had in Hand ſome time before; I began another, and preached, the Sunday following, to a very crowded Audience, with as much p. 60Freedom as tho' I had been a Preacher for ſome Years.

Oh the unſpeakable Benefit of Reading to the Poor, and exerciſing our Talents while Students at the Univerſity! Such previous Acts create excellent Habits, and make young Miniſters not aukward, but apt to teach. It is remarkable our LORD ſent out his Apoſtles on ſhort Miſſions, before they were ſo ſolemnly authorized at the Day of Pentecoſt. Would Tutors of our Univerſities follow his Example, and ſend out their Pupils to viſit the Sick and the Priſoners, to pray with, and read practical Books of Piety to the Poor, they would find ſuch Exerciſes of more Service to their Pupils and the Church of GOD, than all their private and publick Lectures put together.

But to come to a Concluſion. Thus GOD dealt with my Soul: And at the ſame Time he was not forgetful of my Body; for he inclined the Biſhop's Heart to give me Five Guineas more; and by this Time; Quarter's Allowance way due to me from Sir John Philips, b… which Sum put together, ſerved … well to defray the Expences of my Ordination, and taking my Batchelor's Degree, which was conferr'd upon me at … ford the Week after my being … p. 61being then Twenty-one … Seven Months old.

Theſe Changes from a Servitor to a Batchelor of Arts, from a common Drawer to a Clergyman, were great Temptations to think more highly of myſelf than I ought to think. Some were jealous over me, as I truſt they always will be, with a godly Jealouſy. Hereby GOD, who is rich in Mercy, forwarned me of my Danger, ſtirred up my Heart to pray againſt ſpiritual Pride, and kept me, as I hope he will unto the End, in ſome Meaſure humble.

Thus did GOD, through a Variety of unforeſeen Acts of Providence and Grace, train me up for, and at length introduced me into the Service of his Church. What has happened to me ſince that Time, eſpecially for theſe two laſt Years paſt, is too notorious to need a Repetition. However, as I find Freedom in myſelf, and Leiſure from my miniſterial Employ, hereafter (GOD willing) I ſhall relate ſome Dealings of GOD with my Soul, and how he led me (without any Foreſight of my own) into my preſent Way of Acting.

In the mean while, My dear Reader, whoever thou art, I pray GOD what I have now written may not prove a Savour of Death unto Death, but a Savour of Life p. 62… through Ignorance, Prejudice and Unbelief, when they read this, will contradict and blaſpheme. Be not thou of this Number. If thou art as yet unſpotted from the World, I pray GOD to keep thee ſo: For, believe me, Innocence is better than Repentance; And tho' Sin may afford thee ſome bruti… preſent Pleaſure, ye… the Remembrance of it afterwards is exceeding bitter. If thou art immerſed in Sin, as I was, take no Encouragement from me to continue in it on one Hand, nor deſpair of Mercy on the other: Let GOD's Goodneſs to me lead thee to Repentance. The ſame LORD is rich unto all that call upon him through Faith in CHRIST JESUS. And if through Grace I have done any Thing Praiſe-worthy, not unto me, not unto me, but unto GOD give all the Glory. If thou art awakened to a Senſe of the Divine Life, and art Hungering and Thirſting after the Righteouſneſs of JESUS CHRIST, and the Indwelling of his bleſſed Spirit in thy Heart, think it not abſolutely neceſſary to undergo all the Temptations that have befallen me. It is in the ſpiritual as it is in the natural Birth. Some feel more, others leſs; but all muſt experience ſome Pangs and Travails of Soul ere CHRIST JESUS be formed within them. If GOD … p. 63the Work of Converſion is effected in thy Heart, thou oughteſt to be exceeding Thankful; or if he ſhould lead thee thro' a larger Wilderneſs than I have paſſed through, thou needeſt not complain. The more thou art humbled now, the more thou ſhalt be exalted hereafter. One True of CHRIST in thy Heart will make amends for all. And if thou art one that has … the Powers of the Wor… to come, … already converted, I know thou … …joice and give Thanks for what … done for my Soul. To … all that peruſe theſe … deeply and as … and … been in … the …