The Fathers Tears over his Daughters Remains, Letter 7 – Letter 8
Honoured Sir,
I Have been about Writing to you a great while, but thinking I could better Speak than write my Tho'ts caus'd me to delay. But not knowing how long it may be before I ſee you by reaſon of the Weather, and my preſent Indiſpoſition, I take this Opportunity to trouble you with my Fears and Doubts. I know of none in this World I can ſo well apply to for Comfort as your Self, and I doubt not but you are both able and willing to adviſe me how to behave under them.
This is the ſhort and broken Account of my Soul at preſent. Sometimes my Sins come preſſing on my Mind, and appear ſo black and numerous that I am quite amazed. I look all around, and ſee a World of Vanities, which can yield me no Comfort, much leſs any Help. Only in Chriſt is my Help found; O that I had Faith to lay hold on him, and Love to join my Soul to him! — The laſt Week I was in great Diſtreſs, I could not go to Chriſt, nor hope in him, nor pray to him, nor take any Comfort from any thing I heard, read or diſcours'd about. — I ſeem in a maze, that ſuch a Sinner as I, am ſpar'd from day to day; and admire at the Patience of God in giving me a ſpace for Repentance. O that he would give me Grace to repent!— Often in a Day I think what would become of me if I ſhould die? I think, if it were poſſible, I could open my very Breaſt, and tear the accurſed thing Sin out of it. But ſince I can't wholly take it out, or drive it out, I look to God for his Grace that I may more mortify and ſubdue it, and prevent it's reigning in me.— Sometimes I feel in a Tumult by reaſon of Blaſphemous Tho'ts crowding in upon me, and wicked, revengeful, quarrelſome Tho'ts riſing up in me. I find alſo raſh paſſionate Expreſſions ready to break thro' the doors of my Lips. Yet I bleſs God who has reſtrain'd me by his Grace from conſenting to the one, or uttering the other. I hope I can truly ſay, My Soul abhors them.— I often mourn the Loſs of that Time I have ſpent in reading uſeleſs Books, which I am ſenſible had been better improv'd in working out my Souls Salvation. I frequently take up that Lamentation, "How have I hated Inſtruction, &c.— I feel my Heart at times harder than an Adamant, at other times by reaſon of God's Terrors I am Diſtracted. The Things that once appear'd innocent Amuſements, now appear to be ſinful. It amazes me to think that one ſo Young as I, ſcarce Twenty Years Old, ſhould have heap'd up ſo much Sin and Guilt. I dare not ſtay away from the Houſe of God, but when I am there, my Heart is as the Way Side, and Stony Ground to the Seed …own.— I am very ſenſible, tho' it is my Duty to apply to you for Advice, that it is not in the Power of the deareſt and holieſt Relation in the World to afford me any more than their Pity, Prayers and Counſels. The Tho'ts of my Approaching every Day nearer to the Grave, in ſuch a Condition, adds to my Terror and Diſtreſs. O let not Death come upon me until God is in and thro' Chriſt reconciled unto me! But Amidſt all my Spiritual Troubles that Text has afforded me ſome Comfort,—Shall he bring to the Birth, and not cauſe to bring forth?
I can't but hope after all that God has begun a good Work in me; and will he not carry it on and finiſh it? I would hope that in his own Time he will deliver my Soul from all her Sins and Fears — I bleſs God I have not been without Supports and Conſolations from him in my dark Hours.— I have been much at a loſs about laying hold on and applying the Promiſes, and when I have been (ſearching my Bible to find out a Promiſe, that Scripture has come full in my Mind, What laſt thou to do to take my Covenant into thy Mouth?—But I have lately met with a Book *The Godly Man's Ark.of Mr. Calamy's that has greatly inſtructed and comforted me on that Head. —I know not what to think of my Self; ſometimes I fear I never had an Intereſt in Chriſt, but am an Hypocrite: At other times I think I am Sincere: I am ſure I deſire to be ſo—I am more mortify'd to the World ſince the Earthquake, and love is leſs. I deſire and pray I may be ſo wiſe as to lay up my Treaſure in Heaven where it will be ſure; and to have my Heart there alſo.—I commend my ſelf now, Honoured Sir, to your Bleſſing and Prayers, which I doubt not but I conſtantly have, and remain your Dutiful Daughter.—
Medford, Decemb. 6. 1727.
Her Father was ready and careful to Anſwer all her Letters, and to be ſure therefore could not let this want a ſpeedy Anſwer.—The Day he received it, he anſwer'd it in the following Words,
My Dear Child,
I Have your long and melancholy Letter, but ſcarce Time to read it; Mrs. H — calls in for a Minute. O how good is God in his Awakenings to you! He alſo will be your Comforter. He wounds and he heals. Why art thou caſt down O my Soul, and why art thou diſquieted within me? Hope thou in God for I ſhall yet praiſe him. My Soul grieves for you, and rejoyces in you, and I long▪ be with you. You are a thouſand times dearer to me than ever. The Devil envies and hates you, but God loves you, and will help and ſave you. Go to him, and keep with him, and his Grace in Chriſt Jeſus be with you. Rejoyce in the Lord always, and again I ſay rejoyce.
Your loving Father.— December. 8. 1727.
But there is a fuller and more particular Anſwer dated the next Day; which was a vaſt Comfort to her, and may ſo to ſome of my Readers under the like Circumſtances, for whoſe Benefit it is here inſerted; wherein her Father thus addreſſes her.