Account of a Late Debate at Lime, Letter
The Relation of one, lately Converted from Dreadful ERRORS: As it was given to a Miniſter of the Goſpel, by the Perſons own Mouth; and by him Communicated in a Letter to the Printer hereof: Which, by reaſon of its Aſſinity to the fore going DISPUTE, is added by way of APPENDIX thereto.
And is is as followeth, Viz.
IT is ſome Years ſince I firſt experienc'd ſomething by way of Conviction. I ſhould think it time to be Serious & Religious; and ſometimes I ſhould Pray to GOD that H… would help me to Repent & Reform; I wiſh'd I might be Chang'd & Converted, but I knew not what it was to be Converted. Sometimes I ſhou'd think I was not ſo bad as ſome others, and when I read the Scriptures, I tho't I could underſtand what GOD would have me to do; Yes, I not only thought that I knew Good & Evil, but I tho't it in … Power to chuſe the Go…d & refuſe the Evil; and in ſo doing I tho't I ſhould be Accepted: And when I found any want of Strength, I ſhould Pray to GOD to aſſiſt me, & I tho't He would be, as it were obliged to help me, and I ſhould be accepted & all would be well: And when I heard or read that we muſt depend on CHRIST for Salvation, I tho't it eaſie to Believe —. But true Faith in CHRIST, that was the thing I wanted; I was quite ignorant as to any Saving Knowledge of CHRIST, as I afterwards was made to ſee clearly. But I was firſt brought into great perplexity of Thoughts, about the right Way of Salvation; the full of which would take up many Hours, yea Days and Weeks to Relate, if I had retained it all in Memory. In ſhort, The occaſion of my Solicitude at firſt was my halting between two Opinions; being ignorant in the natural Darkneſs of my mind, & not confidering of what eternal weight & moment the matters of Religion are to our precious Souls; and of what ſad Conſequence my liſtening to new Opinions might be, I ſuffered my ſelf to be drawn away, inſenſibly, into Error: And I believe GOD was angry with me for my too great Neglect & Coldneſs about the Means of Salvation, that I was brought up under, & for my liſtning to new Doctrines; and therefore leſt me to ſtrong Perſwaſions that the Quakers were in the only right way to Heaven; becauſe they were a Separate People, and ſeem'd to be full of Love & Charity to one another, & to contem… the Vanities of the World, and to be very Zealous in their way.
The firſt Quaker I heard was one Jonathan Tyler, who came out of England, being mov'd thereto (as he profeſs'd) by the SPIRIT, that he might lead People in this Land out of their dark State, unto the true Light! I was much taken with the Sermons he Preach'd at ſeveral time… & places: He ſpake much againſt Sin, & ſet forth an holy Life as moſt Excelient, I tho't he was the holieſt & humbleft & moſt zealous man that ever I had ſeen or heard; and I never before was ſo Affected with any Means that ever I had been undex. I concluded the Quakers to be the beſt People in the world: I could not bear to hear any body ſpeak Uncharitably of them; A Perſon tho' never ſo mean, that had but the Name of a Quaker, I could not but have an high Opinion of; and I wiſh'd for nothing in the world more than to be like Them. I tho't they were far above the People of other Perſwaſions: I perceived by their own Confeſſions in Prayer, that other People were full of Sin; but theſe, I ignorantly thought, had none to Confeſs. I ſhould earneſtly Cry to GOD to give me ſuch a Spirit as they had. I thought I could have followed them to the farther end of the world; Yea, I was ſo ſatisfied and confident that they were the true People of GOD (eſpecially after I had heard many of them Preach, & had been much Converſant in the Houſe of one D. Z. a Quaker in Boſton) that I am well aſſured all the Arguments in the world could hardly ever have ſhaken my good Opinion of them. I deſired never to hear any other Miniſters, and ſhould have readily Profeſs'd my ſelf a Quaker (for their Habit and Language I could eaſily have Conformed unto, and the Shame of the world ſeem'd nothing to me) Only I had not yet attain'd (as I blindly tho't) to their degree of Light & Comfort & Holineſs & freedom from Sin; ſo that I tho't it would be Hypocriſie to own my ſelf one of them, till I had farther Humbled my ſelf & gotten the Victory over Sin.
But one thing ſeems Remarkable! While I was Waiting & earneſtly Seeking Day & Night for the Spirit & Light, which I tho't the Quakers had, GOD ſhould put it into my Heart, to beg earneſtly (altho' it was not from any Jealouſie of the Truth of their Principles, yet it was in my heart to Beſeech) of the LORD that He would be pleaſed so all, me with his own bleſſed SPIRIT and the true Light of life, that I might be indeed Converted, and have true Saving Grace; and not be deceived in a Caſe of ſuch infinite Weight. At l…ngth the SPIRIT of GOD came upon me, firſt by way of Conviction of Sin…; I ſaw my ſelf exceeding Vile and run of Sin, and I began to Queſtion whither the Quakers were not under Deluſions: Then again… I ſhould think they, were certainly in the Right way; and my tho'ts were, from day to day, & from week to week, drawn out ſo ſtrongly about theſe …angs, that … al… moſt h… …av…d of Senſe & Reaſon. Wh… I came a little … my ſelf. I tho't … could have given …uy… thing in the world, to have known what was right & what was wrong: But ſtill I was left to farther & greater Darkneſs & dreadful Temptations ſo … I began at length to Queſtion whither thereof were any right way of Salvation Yea. at laſt I was ſo wicked being quite over born with the Vin…nce of Temptation, as to Queſtion whither there were any GOD, or CHRIST, on Heaven or Hell; and ſo, whither I had any need to be concemed about Religion. And conſidering how much Pains I had taken to find the Narrow way, and how long & often & earneſtly. I Cry'd to Heaven for help in vain, as I tho't, I did almoſt wiſh that I might never more be concerned about my Spiritual Condition & a Future State, ſo as to diſquiet my ſelf about any Religion at all. And after a while I grew Careleſs & Unconcerned; but it was not long: before I paid Dear for my wicked blaſphemous Thoughts: Conviction returned again, and I was more Terrified thou ever. Oh! I tho't, there was not ſuch another wretched vile Sinner in the whole World: I thought of I had been left to commit Murder, & all the moſt a …minable Acts of Wickedneſs that the profaneſt. Wretches wallow in, it would all have been little to my Un…l of … Ath…ſtical Thoughts; For then, I tho'…, I night have gone to JESUS CHRIST and asked Pardon. And I believed there was Merit enough in CHRIST's Blood to waſh the moſt filthy Sinner in the World that could go to Him, not having … himſelf off: but as for me, I had denied CHRIST & all Religion, in my Tho'ts, & I could not for my life ſo much as ask for Pardon: On! I could not Have the free to go to CHRIST for Pardon & Mercy, whoſe very Being I had Queſtioned. Then I concluded that never any in the world was in my Condition. I tho't if I were but in the Condition of the … & moſt Abominable Sinner in the world, that could but go to CHRIST & aſk For giveneſs, there would be ſome hope; but for Me there was none. Now I ſaw clearly at times, that I had hearkened too much to Deluſions; and I could not after this, endure to hear any body ſpeak for the Quakers; and yet ſhould have Temptations, ſometimes, to think they might be right. But GOD was pleaſed to ſhew me further, that my whole Life was filled up with Sin; my Sins were ſet in Order before me, ſo as I never ſaw them before, nor could poſſibly (I think) by any Power leſs than Almighty.
And if I tho't at any time (becauſe my Life had been Blameleſs before men) that I had not Sinn'd & Fallen ſo as ſuch & ſuch had done; yet it was ſet home upon my Heart, that I had as much Guilt on my Conſcience, as if I had broken every one of the Commandments an Hundred times over My Sins in Tho't Word & Action, from my Childhood were in great Swarms bro't into my mind; but yet my Unbelief ſeem'd greater than all. I could not open my mind at all, and I tho't if I could there was no body could reach my Caſe. I was forced to ſay very often within my ſelf, I ſhall never be Saved. Then I ſhould have a little hope and caſe for a new Hours, which was a great Refreſhment to…m… but while I was a little quiet in my mind, the fea… Expectation of the inexpreſſible Hurries & Toſſings; that muſt quickly ſeiſe me again, diſturbed that little Peace I had, ſo that I was never at Reſt, Sometimes I ſhould think if I were driven into the moſt deſolate howling Wilderneſs, & encompaſſed with Lions Serpents & Dragons, all this would ſeem nothing to my diſmal Caſe. I was utterly Loſt in myſelf: And now all my high Tho'ts of Legal Righteouſneſs and Exact Blameleſs Living, was come to nothing. I ſaw plainly, that if a man could live like an Angel in all External Honeſty & Sobriety; Yea, and to be fill'd alſo with never ſo much Heat & Zeal …et without the inward ſaving Knowlege of CHRIST, it would nothing avail.
Oh! What would I now have given for one glimpſe of the Knowlege of CHRIST: but I fear'd I ſhould never obtain it. I was much diſcouraged from ſeeking; and at times I ſhould be more indifferent & deſire to be Unconcerned: But about the middle of the laſt Winter, I was at Meeting, & GOD was pleaſed to come with ſome power on my Heart in the Forenoon; but more abundantly in the Afternoon: Towards the cloſe of the Sermon, Chriſtleſs Sinners were urged very much to ſeek the LORD in good Earneſt; and to try for one Week what fervent Cries to Heaven might do: I went home with a Reſolution to try that Week, as GOD ſhould Enable me; for I had quite Deſpair'd in my ſelf, and ſometimes in GOD too. But now I was ſomething heartned to ſtrive to Enter in at the ſtrait Gate. But no ſooner was I ingag…d in this Work, but Satan was as buſie with his Temptations to Deſpair, as ever: Then I thought his Deſign was to drive me to Deſpair of my Salvation, that he might hinder me from working it out: For if I gave way to Careleſsneſs, he would not diſturb me; but if ev… I ſet about this Work, I was ſo hurried that I could have no Reſt. However, I deſired to hold on ſeeking, and on any Terms to get to Heaven at laſt tho' it ſhould be by the very gates of Hell. My Diſtreſs increaſed, & I could not reſt day nor night. CHRIST, I tho't would Reject me, for my numberleſs Sins, eſpecially for my Unbelief & Atheiſin, and hea… kning to Deluſions, in the neglect of the Word of GOD & Ordinances of CHRIST; more eſpecially the Seals of the Covenant Oh! the Light Undervaluing Tho'ts I uſed to have of Water Baptiſm, & the Supper of Bread & Wine: I cannot expreſs what a Trouble it was to me to think of theſe things: And On! to think of being Rejected by CHRIST at laſt, for my ſlighting Him & his precious Truths and Ordinances, was inexpreſſibly Dreadful to me. That Word came into my mind, & was more terrible than a Thouſand Deaths, Depart from Me, I know you not! Becauſe I did not know CHRIST, I feared he would not Acknowlege me. I was in ſuch Diſtreſs, that my very Fingers ends were ready to drop with Sweat, thro' the Agony of my ſpirit. I think, if I had been out in a Thouſand pieces, it would have been leſs terrible & painful to me. My heart was filled with dreadful Thoughts, not fit to be mentioned; and I …eared it would never be Otherwiſe. I ſearched the Scripture, to ſee if I could find any Example of any Pardoned Sinner, that had been ſo bad as my ſelf; and could find, as I tho't, not ſo much as One I now dreaded the thoughts of hearing any Inſtruction, that might cauſe me to E… from the ways of underſtanding. I thought that if any ſhould labour to make me Drink in ſuch Errors as I had been Poiſoned withal, they would be worſe Enemies to me than if they ſhould give me Ratsbane to Drink: My Soul Pollution ſeem…d worſe than any Diſeaſe; I mean, my being ſo deeply and long Infected with Quakeriſm: But I tho't, if there were any Perſon that could bring any Tydings o… Peace and Reſt in Chriſt for ſuch an one as I, it would be the greateſt Kindneſs and Friendſhip that could poſſibly be ſhown me. At length, not being able to Contain any longer, I ſent for Help; having ſome hopes of a Poſſibility of Relief. And when the Miniſter came, and (after hearing my Caſe as well as I wa… able to Expreſs it) had Incouraged, and Counſelled me and Prayed with and for me, it Pleaſed God to open a Door of Hope in Chriſt for me; yea to looſe my Bonds and knock off my Chains, and pour out a Spirit of Prayer upon me; that I could not but cry out aloud to the Lord Jeſus (whom I ſaw as it were, Read, to ſtretch out his Hand for my Salvation) that the waters might not overflow me, nor the floods ſwallow me up. And I was now made further to underſtand that at leaſt a great part of my Wicked Blaſphemous thoughts, were thrown into m… Mind by Satan, which I had thought before to be only from the Hearth Wickedneſs of my own Heart I came to ſee more of the Sub…ilty of Satan, and the Wiles of the Devil; my thirſty Soul dra…k in the Hopes of Mercy, and I Believed Chriſt could overcome and Chain up the Roaring Lion. I hope I did Truly tho' Weakly exerciſe Faith in Chriſt. I Thirſted, my Soul ſeemed to Breath, and Thirſt after more of the Knowledge of Jeſus Chriſt. I had further Comfort from Ezek 16. The beginning of the Chapter. Thou wast caſt out to the loathing of thy Perſon —. When I paſſed by thee, and ſaw thee Polluted in thine own Blood, I ſaid unto thee Live. and thy time was the time of Love. But eſpecially from the Concluſion of the Chapter, where the LORD ſays, (after he had, by many dreadful Aggravations ſet forth the Heinouſneſs of his Peoples Sins, and even Sworn by his Life (ver, 48) that Jeruſalem & her Daughters had exceeded Sodom and hers, in moſt abominable wickedneſs) Nevertheleſs I will eſtabliſh my Covenant with thee; and thou ſhall know that I am the Lord: that thou may'ſt remember & be confounded, & never open thy mouth any more becauſe of thy ſhame when I am pa…ified towards thee for all that thou haſt done …aith the Lord God. From divers other Scriptures I was further Enlightned, Comforted and Encouraged. The caſe was now ſtrangely altered with … thought I would not be in my former unbelieving, diſtreſſed, deſpairing Condition for the greateſt Treaſures in the World; yet I had not Setled Peace: I ſa… Chriſt but Darkly: there ſeemed to be ſomething wanting. I was much diſtreſſed, eſpecially at times, 'till after ſerious deliberation, I reſolved to ſeek CHRIST in his Ordinances: and deſiring the LORD to guide me, according to the Scriptures, & not having been Baptized, I deſired to ſearch the Scriptures, Concerning that Ordinance: but I quickly found that Satan had not left me: I had new Aſſaults; and I was dreadfully afraid I ſhould fall back again into thoſe Errors, which I had ſeen to be ſo dangerous: I trembled for fear they ſhould be ſet before me; I hardly dared ſometimes, to open my Bible, for fear leſt I ſhould miſ-underſtand the Scriptures; which (the Apoſtle ſays) the Ignorant and Unlearned do wreſt to their own Deſtruction I cry'd again to God in my diſtreſs, and he heard me, and from the Scriptures of Truth I was perſwaded that CHRIST would have his Diſciples Baptized with water; Eſpecially by ſuch plain Scriptures as theſe, Acts 8.36 37. And as they went on their way, they came to a certain water: and the Eunuch ſaid, See, here is water what doth hinder me to be baptized? And Philip ſaid If thou believest with all thine heart, thou mayst. So Acts 10. 47. Can any man forbid water, that theſe ſhould not be baptized which have received the Holy Ghoſt as well as we? And he Commanded them to be baptized in the Name of the LORD. ver. 48. And now the argument that had been uſed with me, over and over in vain, while I was blinded by Prejudice, deep Prejudice againſt this Ordinance, which I had drunk in from the Quakers Books, I ſay now it ſeemed quite another thing, namely, that CHRIST's Miniſters muſt act according to their Commiſſion: Their Commiſſion is (in Math. 28.19) Teach all nations, baptizing them—And lo I am with you to the End of the World: It was therefore to be a Rule to all that ſhould ſucceed them, in Teaching Men and Women their Duty, in after ages. Now the only Diſpute is, What baptiſm this is; the Apoſtles doubtleſs underſtood their Commiſſion, and without doubt would not Practiſe Contrary to their knowledge: yet we find them baptizing three thouſand at one time. Acts 2.41. and, in the forementioned places, we find it was water they baptized them with: therefore all that have Authority to teach, have Authority to baptize with water, otherwiſe the Apoſtles muſt needs act Contrary to their Commſſion: How plain did this ſeem to me, when my Eyes were opened. And the other Seal of the Covenant ſeemed as plain. Not but that I had many doubts before I was ſetled: But the light prevailed over my Darkneſs: & I thought how the Apoſtles ſaw but thro' a glaſs darkly: and CHRIST's words to Thomas relieved me, when I deſired to ſee things more clearly, Bleſſed are they who have not ſeen and yet have believed: I thought I muſt venture on the plain word of GOD, notwithſtanding Temptations to the Contrary and much carnal reaſoning in my heart againſt my Duty. And no ſooner was this purpoſe ſetled in my mind, that I would ſeek CHRIST in theſe ways of his Appointment, but I found peace and quietneſs; and was Confident I ſhould find and enjoy more of CHRIST in the Sacrament. Since I was Propounded, I have been more and more confirmed in the Truth. The laſt Sabbaths Doctrine, concerning Election, ſeemed the Sweeteſt Doctrine to me that ever I heard in my life. And yet I Wondred not that it ſeems ſo dark to many, not only Quakers but others; for it is above Natural light and … ſanctified reaſon. I thought, yea, I knew aſſuredly, if GOD would pleaſe to ſhine into the darkeſt hearts with Supernatural Light, it would quickly Satisfie them, that if there be no Election, there's no free Grace, nor certainty of Salvation. It ſeemed plain to me, that if this Foundation Stone be removed, the whole building of Religion muſt unavoidably fall to the ground. Since GOD has brought me ou… of Darkneſs into his Marvellous light, he has alſo ſtirred up in me a deep ſenſe of the ſad Eſtate of dark ſouls, let them be of what Religion they will; who have nothing but the light of Nature, and Reaſon, and External Revelation: And my Soul ſeems the more feelingly to pity them, becauſe I know they will take their own apprehenſions of things to be Right: And it ſeems as eaſy to perſwade a man that white is black, as to make us believe that our Legal apprehenſions of the way of acceptance with GOD, are quite wrong, 'till a new Light, from the Spirit of GOD, ſhines into our hearts: For want of which the Quakers ſeem (to me now) quite to invert the way of Salvation, while they ſeek to have a Righteouſneſs wrought within, that they may be accepted; whereas they ſhould firſt ſeek Acceptance in the Righteouſneſs which CHRIST himſelf wrought for ſinners, imputed, by Faith, to us, which Faith does not only Juſtifie us, but unite us to CHRIST; and ſo we receive Sanctifying grace, and righteouſneſs inherent, from him, to Juſtifie us, for that is done upon our firſt believing in him that Juſtifies the Ungodly; according to that of the Apoſtle Rom. 4.5.6. To him that worketh not, but believeth in him that Juſtifies the Ungodly, his Faith is counted for Righteouſneſs: Even as David alſo deſcribeth the bleſſedneſs of the man, to whom GOD Imput to Righteouſneſs without works.
But there was one time which I ſhould have mentioned before, if at all; After great d…kneſs, as I was alone in my Bed cham…er, Sigh… and Crying to GOD, with moſt A …eut deſires …r the Manifeſtations of his Love, which I thought I could not Live without is pleaſed the LORD to fill my Soul with ſuch Light and Joy, and inexpreſſible Sweetneſs, that …e…med to be in a new World: The Chamber where I was ſeemed like Heaven, I thought. Now, thought I, GOD has granted a …m deſire; yea a Thouſand tim… more than und my D…rk appre…ſions a little before, I could aſk … …ink I thought indeed before, by ſome glimpſes and little Taſts that I had, that the clear M…nifeſtations of CHRIST would be very Sweet and Joyful: But when I came to ſee GOD in CHRIST, and to drink my fill, as it were, at the Founta… of infinite Free Love, as it ſeemed to me; yea to be ſwallow'd up in an Ocean of Love. Now I …ound it to be another manner of thing than I imagined: And I muſt needs ſay, if I ſpeak the Truth, I can find no words to expreſs the Joy of the Holy Ghoſt: If an Angel from Heaven had told me, as ſuch a meſſenger did Dan…el, that I was beloved; or if CHRIST himſelf had appeared, and ſaid to me with his own mouth, as he did to Mary Thy Sins which be many are forgiven thee, I could not have been more ſure than at that time I was, that CHRIST my Beloved was mine, and I his: But it made me ſeem exceeding Vile in my own Eyes.
I thought not to have mentioned this flood of Joy, becauſe …t was follow'd with as low an Ebb, which made me Queſtion whither I had not been deluded or miſtaken; which was worſe than Death to me. O to looſe ſo rich a Treaſure of Joy unſpeakable, and full of Glory! I ſeemed like a perſon quite undone: And I thought that I could not live, unleſs I might recover a ſenſe of the Love of JESUS to my Soul, But the LORD ſupported me; and I was made to underſtand that I muſt live by Faith and not by Sight.
I deſire the Prayers of all GOD's People, that I may abide in the Truth; and that I may live an humble Life of admiration at the free and aſtoniſhing Grace of GOD, in bringing me back from the paths of the Deſtroyer: For, I am, Thro' Grace, deeply Senſible of my Extraordinary obligations to the LORD; but I ſee alſo my utter inſufficiency to Anſwer them in any Meaſure: Eternity will be time little enough to praiſe GOD for his free, free Grace to the very vileſt of Sinners I am ſure there is no Perſon in the World has more Cauſe to walk humbly with GOD and in the exerciſe of Charity and Com…aſſion towards others. Pray …ard for me that I may do ſo.
ALL that ſhall now be added, is, That this Relation ma… be taken for undoubted Truth; Deſi…ing that Others who may be unhappily led into Errors might be brought off There-from, and come to the Belies of the Truth.
AMEN.
Errata ſic Corrigenda.
PAGE 5. Line 8 for he read they. p. 7 l. 11. for ſtanders by, r. by ſtanders. p. 10 l. r. blot out each of p. 11. laſt line, for thereof, r. there fore p. 11. l. 5. & p. 12. l. … blot out A…g. p. 14. l. 5. for ver. 15. r. 1st & 5th and l. 19. for whom r. when. p 15. l. 19 for ver. 15.1. 1st & 5th. p. 23 l. 14 for did, r was p. 36. l. 13 blot out alſo. p 39, l. 1, blot out that p. 53, l. 12. for this, r. which. p 76. l. 10. r. And in other places, &c. p. 80 l. 23, read, Being in the Southem parts, &c. p. …8. l. 12. for Arguments, r. Argument. p. 101. lines 13 & 14. for their, r. hour p. 131 l 13. blot out and. p, 144. l. 29 for than r. that. p 140. l. 21. for who, r. we. p. 148 l. 10 for Powers, r. Power. p. 158 l. 8. for Head, read Heads
ADVERTISEMENT.
There is now in the Preſs, and will ſpeedily be Publiſh'd,
THE Mother's Catechiſm for the Young Child: Or, a Preparatory Help for the Young and the ignorant, in order to their eaſier underſ…a…ding the Aſlembly's Shorter Catechiſm.
End of the text · John Bulkley, Account of a Late Debate at Lime (1729)