Faith and Experience, Part
Pſalm. 34. 8. Taſte and ſee how good the Lord is.
Pſalm. 66. 16. Come and I will tell you what God hath done for my ſoule.
I ſhall ſpeake nothing but what God hath done in me, and for me.
THe firſt worke that God ever wrought in my ſoule was a worke of conviction. He convinced my ſoul of the ſin of Sabboth-breaking. I found much oppoſition to that worke, and it was ſome ſpace of time before I could get ſtrength againſt that ſinne: but ever and anon I was given up to the ſinne againe, which was (yet) a burthen to my ſoule. I had no Obſerve Gods firſt worke in converſion.ſtrength againſt it for the preſent, till at length the Lord was pleaſed to diſcover another ſtrength than that I had from my ſelfe, which was the ſtrength of Ieſus Chriſt, to overcome this corruption. A ſight Conviction.of ſinne without a ſight of Chriſt Note.is not ſaving of it ſelf. But a ſight of ſin wrought by God, God leaving not the worke till hee hath ſhewne the ſoule the ſight of Chriſt. That I conceive is a ſaving work.
One time me thought my fancy in the night preſented to me ſinne in a lump, with a ſight of that Chriſt which afterwards I ſaw more perfectly. It was thus: me Conviction.thought I ſaw ſin ſet out in a market upon a ſtall. The commodity was vended to none but it brought ſhame and confuſion of face to thoſe that ſet it forth to Sale; and me thought I ſaw likewiſe Chriſt comming, & owning the owner of the commodity, which in time I ſaw he fully did in me; and it was a refreſhing for the preſent to my ſpirit that I ſaw he would do it for me, though he came not preſently.
The next thing I apprehended according to the truth of the word was, that A Christ was come, to doe ſuch things as are declared in the word. This I no ſooner apprehended, Illumination.but I was ſet upon with temptations; To queſtion whether there was a Chriſt or no, &c. Satan wrought Secretly and Subtilly. I being ignorant of his myſteries, was for a certaine time given up to Sathans ſubtilty.the temptation. But as Satan wrought ſecretly and ſubtilly, ſo God wrought inviſibly and mightily, to the ſuppreſſing of him. For aſſoon as God delivered me out of the temptation, I diſcovered a Chriſt, fully according as he is revealed in the word to be the Chriſt, the ſon of God, my Saviour; then I could ſee my great deliverance out of the temptation, and not till then, then I ſaw that if God had deliverd me finally up to the temptation, I had denyed God, and his Chriſt, and his word, and whatſoever he is neceſſary to be known by.
The next thing after I apprehended a Chriſt come, was how he ſhould be made knowne to his people to be their Ieſus, which in time by the miniſtry of the word God was pleaſed to make known unto me, viz. that God gave Chriſt, to dwell in the hearts of his people, by grace, and then my ſoule began to be panged with the deſires of that grace of Regeneration. I no ſooner had a deſire of grace, but I fell to queſtion the truth of Satans ſubtilty.Grace, where the Devill was ſubtill as in any temptation, but the Lord by his mighty power overcame him for me, where the wiſedome of God appeared to me in Gods goodneſſe. Note, wher it was ſhe met with God.the time as well as in the ſtrait. I attended much upon hearing the word, by which God anſwered all my doubts, and repelled Satans temptations: Then Satan tempted me to doubt of the truth of Gods word. I ſaid Bleſſed be God! if that word be truth; and no ſooner was I from under the noiſe of the preacher, but I was as full of doubting as before. God took me out of that condition, by putting me into another trouble, which was Satans ſubtilty (by Gods permiſſion) for my good. The Devill implyed Inſtruments to taint my ſoule with monſtrous, and groſſe errours. But God of his infinite mercy would not ſuffer me to ſpeak againſt the truth (with thoſe Inſtruments of Satan) though I could not plead for it. The Errours inſinuated were theſe. 1 That there is free will Obſerve her ſanctified judgment of ſome of our new Truths.in man to doe good. 2 That there is no Electtion. 3 That none are irreconcilably loſt. 4 That Chriſt was not come in the fleſh. 5 That moſt of the Scriptures were to be underſtood in an allegory. Theſe opinions they were very diligent to draw my ſoule to; I being weake in my ſelfe had fallen from the truth had it not beene for the power of God and his rich condeſcention to me. I told the parties if I did not give them arguments in one week, that then I would not ſpeake againſt, but for, that which they held; and then the Lord ſet me abundantly to ſtudy the divine Scriptures, which through ignorance or miſunderſtanding, I thought ſome thing in the word was for them, and ſomething againſt them, while I thought to attaine it only by reading; but when I ſaw it was too hard, then the Lord was pleaſed to help mee by meditation Obſerve the right way to profit by reading.and prayer, and ſtrong cryes, and then, and not till then, did I know what it was to pray out of an apprehenſion of wants. I A right frame of ſpirit in ſeeking direction.tooke the truth, and errour, with an equall hand, neither cleaving in my affections to the one, nor to the other, till God was pleaſed to reveale it to me; but I deſired God to ſhew me which was the truth, and he did accordingly. Thoſe Scriptures I apprehended made againſt the truth, he ſhewed me they made for the truth. Now when the Lord had revealed himſelfe in this to me, I was earneſt with God that I might not only know theſe truths, but I might be able to hold out theſe truths ſo as to ſtop the mouths of gainſayers: 2 dayes after Gods revealing himſelfe, theſe parties came, and God gave me to ſpeak that they were not able to anſwer, and at that time God gave me a promiſe Joh. 1. 50. Ieſus anſwered Joh. 1. 50.and ſaid unto him, becauſe I ſaid unto thee I ſaw thee under the figtree, beleeveſt thou? thou ſhalt ſee greater A particular promiſe applyed generally.things then theſe; with which my Soule ſtood a little amazed what ſhould be the greater things that ſhould be revealed? I found then, that they ſhould be theſe truths made known by experience to my Soule. I went away rejoying in hope to obtaine it; from this work of God I concluded that there was a work of grace begun, which he would carry on to perfection. The next thing I thought upon, was to ſet downe to account the loſſe it would coſt me to hold out theſe truths to the utmoſt, which was the loſſe of the favour of friends, diſingagment to creatures, but there was an ingagement to God, which made me reſolute to ſtick to the truth, whatſoever it coſt, in the ſtrength of God: and then I ſaw a neceſſity of walking more cloſe Her Progreſſe in Piety.with God, in the wayes of his worſhip, ſeeking to him for ſtrength, in every eſtate and condition what ever he put me into; whether ſpirituall or temporall. When Satan ſaw that I indeavored to be holy and ſtrict, he ſet before me a patterne of perfection, by his ſhewing of me perfection; I by the ſtrength of Gods grace had ſuch a ſight of imperfection, that I was Satans policy.loſt in my owne apprehenſion, and concluded, that there was no grace becauſe there was ſo much imperfection, and then God was pleaſed for to make me apprehend that Jeſus Chriſt muſt come, and take away the imperfections of our duties, the defilement of ſinne as well as the guilt, which he did by revealing thoſe promiſes which he cauſed me to reſt upon in that 2 Cor. 5. 21. for 2 Cor. 5. 21.he had made him to be ſinne for us who knew no ſinne, that we might be made the righteouſneſſe of God in him. Mat. 1. 21. He ſhall ſave his Mat. 1. 21.people from their ſins, which I beleeved ſhould be done for the future, though they were not done for the preſent; ſo that I ſaw Chriſt to be of uſe, to clenſe me, Sanctification ſeene before Juſtification.before I ſaw him Iuſtifying my perſon, which was a great refreſhment to my Spirit; then I began to make uſe of thoſe weapons that the Apoſtle ſpeaks of, which are not carnall but mighty through God for the pulling downe ſtrong holds, &c. and the Lord did give me much ſweetneſſe by communion with himſelfe, ſo that I could goe to him more The ſpirit of Adoption.freely then to any creature under heaven, and the more communion I had with him the more ſtrength I had againſt temptation and corruption: I found it to be The benefit of frequent prayer.the moſt excellent means under heaven, the more frequent the more familiar with God; and now I began in ſome meaſure to apprehended what a temptation was, in a time of temptation, which was halfe a deliverance out of it: this through the mercy of God in Chriſt Jeſus I found by experience, in prayer, and about prayer. I found firſt the ſubtilty of Satans temptations, wherein I found him Sathans malice againſt the worke of prayer.to be as great hinderer of that work of prayer as of any other; if he cannot keep from it, he will afflict and diſcourage in it; and notwithſtanding all this, I was by Satan put upon it to queſtion my Condition againe, but God gave me a word at the ſame time to ſtay my Soule upon, it was Gods token to know Paul by, behold he prayes, from which words I ſaw God took ſpecial notice of thoſe that praid and waited upon him; and when the Devill ſaw me bent upon prayer, then he put me upon prayer, which in time I ſaw was his work, and in time it proved greatly to the Devils diſadvantage, and much for my incouragement. I found by experience that he is like an Ape imitating what ever good God does in the Soule: and there is need of much of God to diſcern his policy in this particular; he hath counterfeit grace as well as God hath true grace; and he hath evill Ioy, as God hath Soule-refreſhing, reviving and ſweet conſolation, he will have ſcriptures as well as God, only his are to diſcourage from duties, and Gods to incourage; all the wayes of Satan are evill, and all the Note.wayes of God are exceeding good, and his paths are very pleaſant. When Satan ſaw he could not defile my ſoule by one temptation, he ſets upon me by another, and with manifold temptations all at once. So that he put my Soule into a darke miſt by his temptations, and I walked ſadly for ſome Dayes together, to the wonderment of my friends that were about me. I could not expreſſe my ſelfe in any thing becauſe my temptations and tumults in my ſpirit were ſo high in many things, but the Lord at that time did much stay and refreſh my ſpirit with the word Iſay. 50. 10. whereby Iſa. 50. 10.I ſaw that my condition at that time was no other, then was incident to Gods owne people, and ſo the Lord carried me on from one condition to another in ſtraights, and revealed no more to me for the preſent then this, that my condition was ſuch as was incident to the Saints. The next thing I ſaw was that Ieſus More Illumination.Chriſt was the Iuſtifier of his people, and that Iuſtification was conveyed to the ſoule in a way of beleeving: and then my Soule ſaid, oh! that I could beleeve on him that Iuſtifies the ungodly. The more underſtanding I had of God in that way, the more I ſaw of mine owne filthineſſe: I ſaw filthineſſe in the holy things of God, as performed by me, ſo that I found that word of the Apoſtle good That in me (that is in my fleſh) dwells no good thing, but to will is (by the Rom. 7.grace of God) preſent with me, but how to doe good I found not; which (through the grace of God) wrought in my Soule a reſtleſſe deſire after a Chriſt in a way of beleeving, that ſo I might fetch ſtrength from Chriſt, for the ſubduing of every corruption, that I might know whether I were in a ſtate of Iuſtification; this I found, that the more Satan tempted me, that his temptations were as a weapon put into my hand to fight againſt himſelfe withall; through the mighty operation of God, his ſtrength was made knowne in my weakneſſe. Still Faith hard.God put into my Soule ſuch a reſtleſſe diſpoſition that I could not be ſatisfied without Chriſt, ſo that I ſaid within my ſelfe, give me a Chriſt or I dy: and the diſpoſition to beleeving I found very difficult and hard, when God ſet me upon it; a work too hard for me, without the power of an Omnipotent God; which The way of obtaining it.made me the more eagarly to perſue it, at the hands of him who was able to give it; God (when his ſet time was come) wrought every diſpoſition in me ſutable to the grace that hee was about to convey to my Soule; and then I ſaw nothing in any thing either in heaven or earth that could doe me good but the revealing Ieſus Chriſt to my Soule. Duties would not juſtify, no; inherent grace was no Iuſtification in it ſelfe, though a fruit of Iuſtification yet no cauſe of it. Ieſus Chriſt was the all in all both for Sanctification 2 Cor. 3. laſt.and Iuſtification; and there I ſaw a way to make uſe of Chriſt by way of Iuſtification; I ſaw more fully then before that all my righteouſneſſe was imperfect, but in Chriſt it was compleate: when the love of God was thus diſcovered to my Soule, then it did conſtraine me to work out of a higher principle then before; I thought with my ſelfe, were there no hell to puniſh, nor Heaven to reward, yet there was comfort enough in God, and in the refreſhments A Goſpell-ſpirit.of his ſpirit to carry me on in a way of obedience to his gracious, and holy Law and Commands; and then though I had matter enough within my ſelfe, to condemne my ſelf by reaſon that grace which in me was weak, my fleſh being full of all imperfections, yet I knew all was made up in Chriſts perfection. I made uſe of the Law for a rule to walk by, not expecting Her opinion of the Law, and of thoſe that reject it.to fullfill it; So that the law muſt have Dominion over a man (for a rule) as long as he liveth: who ſo caſts the Law of God behind his back, ſurely hath not partaken ſo far as I can conjecture of the ſaving grace of God; and this I ſaw, that Chriſt came not to deſtroy the law, but to fullfill it; Chriſt is the end of the law to every one that beleeveth; we are not to throw it by, as of no uſe, but in what we fall ſhort, to make uſe of him, that is of Chriſt to make it up: the more I made uſe of the Law, the more I ſaw that it was holy, juſt, and good. For wee ſhould not walke as doe others (as men without a rule;) there is infinite cauſe, that we ſhould look to our Lords Commandement, as Chriſt kept the Commands when hee was upon earth, ſo doubtleſſe he would have his people keep them; when we have ſuch a bleſſed Mediator to ſtand up in the gap if in any thing the Chriſtians engagement to keep the Law.law condemns us, he ſteps in, and undertakes for us, he gave full ſatisfaction for the condemning power of it; but hath left the practical part of it for us to make uſe of. I was troubled with in my ſelf, if at any time I thought any thought, A watchfull and zealous frame of Spirit.or did any deed, contrary to the command of God; yea how hath my Soule been grieved becauſe other men kept not the law of God?
I found the actings of God in me and toward me, I prayed in another manner then before, that Her ſenſe of God.when I askt any thing for my ſelfe or others, agreeable to Gods will, eſpecially in ſtraights, I found a holy boldneſſe and confidence that God would anſwer, and he did anſwer abundantly beyond what I can expreſſe, not becauſe of my requeſt, but becauſe Ieſus Chriſt Her experience of Gods hearing her prayer, and her right conſtruction and uſe of it.interceded; he took my broken, and imperfect requeſts, & ſhattered expreſsions, and preſented them blameleſſe before God; not becauſe I prayed, but becauſe he delighted to ſhew mercy; and ſo ingaged and incouraged me to wait upon him, in his ſervice.
My ſoule can teſtify, I have had as much from God, in the way of that ordinance, as any: I have been filled as full of conſolation, by God in that ordinance, A rare experience.as my ſoule could poſſibly attaine unto; I never wanted any thing for my ſelfe, or others, but I went to God for; there was none greater in heaven, or earth, I could reſort unto; I find him to be a fountaine never drawne dry; oh! that none would goe to the Ciſterne when there is ſo much in the Fountain! To looke at Ciſternes The uſe of Ciſternes.as they are in themſelves, they are nothing, but they may be made uſe of to Gods glory; when uſed by God, and lookt at through God the Fountaine, whatever is done by the creature God doth (but by a ſecondary meanes;) So that it is in, and from the Lord, that we have all that we injoy; and when God brought me to the bed of affliction, then he was pleaſed to make a report a new of all that he had done for my ſoule, which made my heart to burne within me in love to God, and Sweet apprehenſions.with deſire to make known to others how good the Lord was to my ſoule; all his dealings with mee to ſoule and body I apprehend are in much love; ſo that the place I found experimentally true, Rom. 8. 28. Gods gracious Rom. 8. 28.diſpenſation in fitting me for affliction was exceeding great; ſo that I may ſay with Job that nothing came upon me but the thing I feared. God was pleaſed to tell mee what he was about to doe, and that in a way of anſwer to prayer. I could conclude as confidently that affliction ſhould come, as if it had been upon me already; and God gave me a ſtrong reſolution to abide his pleaſure whatever it was: And after ſome time of prayer he gave a promiſe ſutable to the condition he was about to bring upon me, the promiſe was, happy is the man whom thou correcteſt, &c. And he hath taught me four things neceſſary Four things ſutable to an afflicted condition.and ſutable to every afflicted condition whatever. The firſt is to eye the hand of God in the affliction; for the ſeeing the hand of God made mee ſilent in his preſence, and made me willing to ſubmit to him. The ſecond thing was, that he ſhewed me his face and preſence, which is better than life. Thirdly, He brought off my will to ſubmit to him, as to a father, from many ſpeciall places of divine writ. Fourthly, He made me more than in an ordinary way to Gods gracious dealing with her in relation to Affliction. 4 Ends of Affliction apprehended by her.drawe nigh to God, to know why hee did contend with mee; one end was for ſin; ſin hath a being, though not a reigning power in me, for which cauſe I have cauſe to lay low. A ſecond end was for exerciſe of faith and patience and other graces. A third end was that I might have liberty to take occaſion to make a report to others what God hath done for my ſoule, that by this meanes, I might bring ſome honour to God. A fourth end was, that I might be ſet upon that evangelicall worke of ſetting forth the high prayſes of God; which work though I could do it to the utmoſt here, yet its nothing to what ſhall be in heaven: And therefore I deſire to bleſſe God that there is an eternity to praiſe him in. In my affliction God hath verified many places of Scriptures which I ſee to be experimentally true that I did not ſee before; ſo that I am conſtrained to ſay oft, and againe, What am I? and what is my fathers houſe? that the Lord ſhould bring me hitherto? and with David, Lord what is man that thou art mindfull of him, or the ſonne of man that thou ſhouldeſt viſit him. Another Mercy in judgment.thing I have obſerved in my affliction, that God hath wonderfully chayned up Satan in this affliction. He was never let looſe upon me but twice in all my affliction: he came forth often like a lion, but in a chaine, roaring for his prey; but God ſtopt his mouth, that he could get no dominion over me. Thoſe two times he was let looſe, The firſt time was about my ſpirituall condition: he would have troubled me with three things, as he did Chriſt by queries; Firſt how I knew that I was a child of God, And ſecondly how I could make out my interest in Christ, whether it it was fancy or deluſion or whether reall: Next thirdly he would have Her ſtrēgth againſt Sathan.perſwaded me that I laye under the guilt of ſome ſinne, that was not pardoned; my anſwer was to the firſt, I knew I was a child of God, by his Word & Works God made it out to me: to the ſecond I anſwered, that God had aſſured me of an intereſt in Chriſt, by a promiſe of the ſpirit, bearing witneſſe with abundance of of conſolation that I was his ſpouſe: thy maker is thine huſband &c. To the third I anſwered, God pardoned all ſinnes in reſpect of himſelfe at once. I only did lye under the guilt of ſome ſins, but God came in abundantly with a promiſe that God acquitted me from all. And ſo Satans objection was fully anſwered; and I abundandly delivered. Another temptation was about the time of Gods taking away my neare relation which was a ſiſter of mine, he took an advantage by the weakneſſe of my body oftentimes to trouble me with many thoughts of her death, and the manner of it, (both ſleeping and waking) and I was in ſome queſtion about her eternall condition: at firſt I thought it was rather ſome peece of Nature than any temptation; but as ſoone as I ſaw it was a temptation, I ſet my ſelfe to ſeek God againſt it; And I had this anſwer from God, after a few thoughts, in ſeeking, that the Lord would rebuke the devourer for my bodies ſake; and from this ſcripture that the God of Satan would bruiſe Satan under my feet ſhortly: and for my ſiſters condition, and the manner of her death, God gave this word, Is thy eye evill becauſe mine is good? ſhall I not doe with mine owne what I will; aye (ſaid my ſoul) if ſhe were his, I could be the better perſwaded to give her up to God; then God told me, he lookt not as man lookt; but if there were any work of God he would owne his owne work, but however he cauſed me to leave her Her ſtooping to Gods ſoveraigntyto his prerogative royall who judgeth righteous Iudgement.
I ſaw a neceſſity of frequenting the beſt meanes: once in ſpeciall I ſaw abundance from God, to Her care to honour her Parents in what ſhe might, with ſecurity to her conſcience.incourage me in that way: my Father and Mother commanded me to goe one way to hear, and I was put upon it, to goe another way, for which they were very fierce and violent, the Lord was pleaſed to put me upon it, to inquire what I ſhould doe in this particular, and while I was thinking, the fifth commandement came into my thoughts, honour your Father and Mother, &c. Then I began to Thinke what honour was due to them, being deſirous to give them that honour that I was commanded; if they commanded with God, I was ready and willing to obey them, with cherefulneſſe: but ſeeing they commanded contrary to God, I ſaw the command of God greater than their command: and I went to the word, and God met me there, in ſuch a way that he gave me incouragement to goe through oppoſition and difficulty in time to come, whatever I ſhould meet withall (though they were ſtripes) I was willing to give my back to the ſmiters, rather than to give up my conſcience to be racked; the oppoſition of the creature is not much when Gods makes it eaſy. This & other experiences I have had of Gods power and goodneſſe, in a way Her reſoluteneſſe for God.where I met with oppoſition: So that its good to be reſolute for God; though you may loſe ſome favour with the creature, yet yee ſhall be double gayners if you may injoy the favour of God: the light of his countenance is better than life. The next thing I ſaw was, that there was a faith which was according to ſight, like that of Thomas, He beleeved becauſe he ſaw: and another faith beyond ſight, which was to beleeve upon the ſight of the actings of grace plentifully upon my ſoule. When God withdrew the ſence of his love, ſo that I did not injoy the dayly incomes of Gods love, I was conſtrained to live upon the immutability Strong Faith.and unchangableneſſe of God. Notwitwſtanding the great mercy and favour of God formerly convayed, I was conſtrained with David to cry out, Reſtore A deſertion.to me the joy of thy ſalvation; and then I apprehended that Chriſt was abſent, at which time I lived ſolitary, and in the Darke. I lookt Her carriage in it.upon Chriſt as a husband, but yet as a husband going a Journey, and hid behind a curtaine, ſo that my ſoule was as the ſpouſe reſtleſſe in looking out to inquire after him: but in time he ſent many love letters to me which were theſe,
To you that feare my name, ſhall the Sunne of righteouſneſſe ariſe with healing in his wings: Though I did not feare him perfectly and as I ought, yet I had ſome deſires to ſerve him in truth. And another was, Hee that ſhall come, will come, and will not ſtay; yet ſometime by reaſon of his abſence I wondred what my temper was, and ſaid, what is God about to teach me? oh that I knew his mind! and I would doe it; oh that I knew what my preſent condition were! and in time God graciouſly came in with this ſcripture, and perſwaded me with Gal. 2. 20.Paul, that the life I now lived was by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himſelfe 2 Cor. 13.for me. And that his grace was ſufficient Her recovery out of her deſertion.for me: and at laſt I ſaw him (behind the curtaines) I ſaw him but could not injoy him: at laſt I found him whom my ſoule loved.
God hath not ſet me a preſident, in reſpect of my bodily affliction, but he hath cauſed me not to repine againſt him, if he make me a preſident to others; ſo I may be ſerviceable and be made inſtrumentall for the good of any poore ſoule, my ſoule is ſatisfied, Her ſweet Goſpell-ſpirit in her ſad Affliction.and I am abundantly willing to ſubmit, ſo God may be glorified, and any poore ſoule edified: it is ſatisfaction enough to me, ſo I may be an inſtrument in Gods hand for any ſpirituall good. The paths of God are pleaſant paths, I could wiſh it were more and more my meat and drink to doe the will of my father. I feare more that too much impatience ſhould break forth for an earneſt deſire for heaven, than any thing: for I found ſome deceit in my heart, in that particular, break out once, And I have cauſe to feare there is more of the fire, if the Lord doe not quench it. I being once in my owne apprehenſion, and in the ſight of many beholders at the point of death, not expecting to live many dayes, I apprehended God ſending Her impatience of ſtaying here.forth two meſſengers, the one was the grim ſerjeant Death with a commiſſion from God to areſt the body: I apprehended that the reſt of the body ſhould but ſet the ſoule at liberty. The other meſſenger ſent from God was the Angell of God with a commiſſion from God to carry the ſoule to the place of Iuſt men made perfect, ſo that I was perſwaded to bid adue to all creature-ingagements, onelyonly I was to work while it was called to day, the works of God, for the night was at hand when I ſhould no more work with the Saints on earth. It was ſuch a refreſhment to my ſoule, that my time was at hand, that I was glad to be uncloathed that I might be cloathed upon. So that I could ſay, oh death where is thy ſting? oh hell where is thy victory.
I was taken up much 2 or 3 Her care to dye to the Lord.dayes in the work of exhortation of friends that came to viſit me; then the Lord ſent a meſſenger of his who made a new report again of my Fathers houſe, which was much illuſtrated to me by an inſtrument of his. I could not but expreſſe to them who came to viſit me what great things were to be injoyed in my fathers houſe, & ſaid, oh! that they might come to me: and to the Inſtrument I ſaid; if God had ſent him to make a report of theſe things to my eares, I bid him ſpeake on: for I was willing to heare what God would ſpeake to me by him. I was much converſant in the meditation of theſe things for twenty four houres or there about: but before I was out of heaven in my thoughts, I felt a thorue in my fleſh, Satan buffeting of me, arguing thus againſt Gods proceedings, by reaſon of the diſpenſation of God changing my bodily condition, promiſing me ſome continuance in the Land of the living for a ſeaſon: here I found the rebellion of the fleſh with the oppoſition of Satan to quarell againſt God, being unwilling to abide in the fleſh, notwithſtanding God ſaw it was better for me to be in the body for a time. I deſire whatever A ſweet frame of ſpirit.ſeem good to God may not ſeeme grievous to me. I had no quiet nor reſt in my ſoul till I ſaw this diſtemper (my unwillingnes to ſubmit to the wil of God) wrought out, and for that the Lord made me to ſeeke him earneſtly, and he was found in the day of my affliction; I ſaid within my ſelf, what good would my life doe me; if God did not take away the evill of ſin? my affliction was nothing, but my ſin was my affliction; and the Lord harkned and heard, and took away my ſin, & then I found my affliction nothing; though greater than formerly, yet Affliction eaſie.as eaſie as ever: then the Lord put me upon it to conſider, why he delaid his coming, in that way wherin I apprehended he was about to Come, & I apprehended theſe to be the ends. Firſt, To let me ſee the evill Her holy interpretation of Gods dealings towards her.of my heart, what I was in my ſelfe, refractory & rebellious; & another end was, that I might ſee the worke of Gods grace in the hearts of ſome, and be inſtrumentall to doe ſome thing for their good (if God pleaſed to incline me) for the helping forward of that work of his: for I apprehend I ſhall work no more for the Saints after this life; though Ieſus Chriſt worke for the Saints in Heaven, as well as when he was on earth, yet the Saints work for the Saints only in this life. The other end was (as I apprehend) that I might live to take care for a Child; and to engage ſome honeſt man to take him; which is partly effected. Another end (I apprehend) was that I might take notice of the anſwer of the prayers of others.
Againe, having been taken up in my thoughts more than ordinary in and about the differences of the times among the Saints, in theſe late yeares, in, and about ſome Circumſtances about Religion, as I apprehend; and I Her opinion concerning the differences of the preſent time.was perſwaded that the circumſtance was nothing, in compariſon of the ſubſtance: ſome ſaid this was the way, and ſome ſaid that was the way: ſome were for a ſeparated Church, others for a mixt Church. Firſt this I was perſwaded, that Ieſus Chriſt was the only way to ſalvation, by a worke of grace in the hearts of his people. But I apprehending that the ſociety of Gods people was very uſefull, and that thoſe of the Independent ſociety, as they are called, did make an improvement of the ſociety of the Saints, more than thoſe that were out of that way did for the preſent; It made me to have ſome inclination to that way, and thereupon to apply my ſelfe to God for his direction in it what to doe; then I ſaw that the Independent ſociety went into their way in and by a covenant, which I could not ſee any ground for: whereupon I deſired their grounds, but found little or no ſatisfaction. Their ſcriptures were Exod. 19. 6. Ezek. 16. 6, 7, 8. Jer. 50. 5. Acts 5. 13. Eph. 4. 3. Be Exod. 19. 6. Ezek. 16. 6, 7, 8. Jer. 50. 5. Acts 5. 13. Epeſ. 4. 3.knit together in love, which ſay they, implies a covenant: but I could not ſee by their light, but did apprehend that that ſcripture was directed to the Saints in generall, and not to Congregations in particular: then they ſaid they preſt not their covenant as abſolutely Her opinion concerning entring into Church-fellowſhip by a Covenant.neceſſary, but left it as a voluntary act; then I began to think whether a voluntary vow were lawfull to be taken in matters of Religion, which I find lawfull in ſcripture; as David did vow againſt his ſin; and its put upon record in ſcripture, that if we vow to God we muſt not deferr to pay it: then I began to think that the ſociety of Gods people was vſefull; and if it could not be injoyed Note.without covenanting, its juſt with God to give us up to covenanting for the hardneſſe of our hearts, who would not willingly do it without this. And I conceive that David could not come up to duty as he would till he came to covenanting; but I began to think wheher this covenant ſo much preſt was my duty, viz. to joyne in a way of Covenant for the injoyment of the ſociety of the Saints; and after ſeeking of God, he gave me this place. If thou doeſt not vow thou doeſt not Her determination upon it.ſin; and it ſatisfied me that I might injoy the ſociety with the Saints out of the way, and therefore ſaw no neceſſity of ingaging my ſelfe in the way.
And he alſo gave me theſe places to ſatisfie me further, be ye followers of me as I am of Chriſt, That is, in this, that I deſire to know nothing but Ieſus Chriſt, and him crucified, and this Scripture, this is eternall life, to know God, and Ieſus Chriſt, whom thou haſt ſent, and this of the Apoſtle, Brethren have fellowſhip with us, for truly we have fellowſhip with the Father and the Son the Lord Ieſus Chriſt. Then I could not but break forth into bleſſing of God, that I have had much fellowſhip with the ſonne the Lord Ieſus, and as much as God hath ſeene good for me with the Saints: ſo that I have cauſe to bleſſe God, and to truſt in God who hath given me ſociety with the Saints, out of the way, as much as in the way: ſo that that which God gives is not in reference to the way; but to his owne love: I ſee nothing in the way, but what hath been injoyed out of the way: and therefore not to be ſo much lifted up, as it hath been and is by ſome.
I pray God that while others ingage themſelves by covenant, to watch over ſo many ſoules in a congregation (which is a great work) they be not to negligent in watching over themſelves.
FINIS.