Friendship, Text
D. Noble Lucaſia-Orinda.
TIs not without much regret as well as diſadvantage to my ſelf, that I diſobey any of your Commands. But you ought not therefore to quarrel at my Diſobedience: for when you require things impoſsible, as ingenious Diſcourſes from Men that have it not about them; you may be ſo mercifull as to allow your ſelf miſtaken in the merits of the Perſon whoſe obedience you exact, and do him ſo much right as to acknowledge and preſerve the Empire you ſtill have, by diſtinguiſhing between Impotency and Infidelity.
The aſſurance I have that you will not eaſily confound theſe two, had begot ſome hope in me that my ſilence on a ſubject you are ſo abſolutely Miſtreſſe of, Friendſhip, ſhould have a very candid Interpretation: but ſince you thunder out Excommunications againſt it, and in the onelyonly Names I reverence to ſuch a height as takes off all colour and thoughts of diſpute, Lucaſia and Orinda; I am reſolved to give you a Teſtimony of my Obſequiouſneſſe, though in it I muſt alſo of my Inability, which you might much more to my advantage perhaps, have concluded by my ſaying nothing.
How to begin I know not; and if I find it as difficult to end, I may poſsibly ſwell this into a bulk incongruous for a letter, and I am ſure aforehand it will neither have Method nor Solidity enough to deſerve the appellation of a Treatiſe, or Diſcourſe.
Some order I would willingly obſerve, without any confinement to ſtrict Philoſophicall Definitions of, and inquiries into it, or Hiſtoricall Deductions of its Origination, Riſe, and Growth, enumerated in ſeverall Examples, whereof we have little left beſides the Names.
But however he that were happy enough in his Proficiency in ſo bleſſed a Myſtery as Friendſhip, as to pen all it deſerved with all the accurateneſſe deſireable, might (as farre as I yet underſtand) comprehend all under theſe three heads, The Nature of it, The Cauſes of it, and the Benefit and Ʋſe of it. And theſe three I ſhall touch at.
Firſt, by the Nature of it I do not mean the Naturall Cauſes of it, for that were to confound the firſt member of my Diviſion with the ſecond. But by Nature here I mean Quality or Condition. And perhaps it is not prepoſterous to ſee firſt what kind of thing this Friendſhip is, before we ask whence it comes; for hereby thoſe who are not ſatisfied with the value and quality of it, may ſpare further queſtions concerning it as uſeleſſe and impertinent.
Some have been ſo prodigall in their Encomiums and deſcriptions of Love, that they have not been content to keep the other Paſsions at a juſt distance and ſubjection, but have quite ſwallowed them up: and by making the objects of every Paſsion lovely in the eyes of that Paſsion whereby they are purſued, have taken away the proper name of that Paſsion and anabaptiſed it Love. And thus the Extreams of a Paſsion which hardly avoid being vitious where the Paſsion it ſelf is virtuous, muſt carry the plauſible inſcription of Love, though Love it ſelf be thereby brought into Deteſtation. Ambition is hence ſtiled the Love of Honour, Covetouſneſſe the Love of Money. But it is not the name of Love can excuſe, much leſſe transform Vice into Virtue; for Love it ſelf is like the Planet Mercury, which hath no influence properly its own, but follows the predomination of thoſe other Planets with whom he is in Conjunction, and ſo is good with the good, bad with the bad: and juſt ſo is Love, vitious or virtuous according to its objects.
But reſerving to every Paſsion its due Name, and to Love its juſt Superiority, I ſhall believe I have done that and Friendſhip Right together, when I have ſaid, Love is the Crown and Perfection of all our Paſsions, Friendſhip of our Love. I bate not the higheſt pitch of Love, our Love to God, for Friendſhip crowns that too: which I ſhall not take much pains to prove, if Abrahams love of God and Gods of him be allowed of as high a degree as any others mentioned in Scripture; (and ſurely 'tis no prodigality to give ſo much to the Father of the faithfull.) 'Tis more then once that Abraham is ſtiled in Scripture the Friend of God. 2 Chron. 20.7. Iſa. 41.8. James 2.23.And we find one of the higheſt and conſtituent qualities and effects of Friendſhip expreſſed clearly by God in the preambulatory chapter to Sodoms deſtruction, to wit, Communication of ſecrets and counſels; Shall I (ſayes God) hide from Abraham the thing I am about to do? What followes we know, a poſitive Declaration of the doom of Sodom, and a conceſsion of all thoſe Conditions and Qualifications for the reverſing the Decree and preſervation of the place, Abraham could think fit to deſire.
But to come out of the clouds, and deſcend to the proper ſtage of Friendſhip, (and if you believe Guzman, the onelyonly true Friend) the Earth: I do not think the love of any Relation hath that Candour, Vigour, Complacency, and eminent Perfection, which is in the love of Friends. And the reaſon hereof (to my preſent apprehenſion) is, That in all other Relations, whether Naturall or Politick, our love is a Duty impoſed; in this a Duty too, but freely choſen at firſt, and made ſo by our ſelves. Now regularly, what ever we are bound to by a Law, we look on as an incroachment upon and abridgement of our freedome, and be the thing never ſo good we are oblig'd to, it alters not our conception of, and quarrel to the Obligation; and hence we qualifie our Obedience as much as we can, and think we have ſhaken off a yoke and piece of ſervitude, when we have found out a way to ſlacken our dependance on thoſe Relations: In this caſe we are all like Princes, who take it very unkindly to have their Counſellours and Confidents appointed them by their Father; and therefore, as they uſually do at their Fathers death, we count it the firſt part of our Royalty to advance ſome new Favourite, and the ſtranger the better we think, becauſe it gives the clearer teſtimony of our Abſoluteneſſe.
Notwithſtanding all which, it is a great happineſs, and rather to be wiſhed then found, that the Relations of Bloud (eſpecially the moſt capable ones) might twine and grow up into thoſe of Friendſhip; that where Nature hath made ſome Ties, we may adde others, and ſo twiſt a Cord into a ſtrength not eaſily broken. But to effect this there muſt be an Allyance or correſpondence of Souls and Humours, as well as bloud, and where they may be found, there is not any conſanguinity in an equall degree (as between Brothers and Siſters) which ought to hinder the ſtricter union of Friendſhip. And though Diverſity and (may be) Contrariety of Humour hinder ſo happy a progreſsion; yet this muſt not unravel the affection Nature knits 'twixt thoſe of ſuch affinity. There is a vaſt difference betwixt admiſsion of one into my deareſt thoughts, and excluſion of him from all: and before we have done with all the requiſites towards making a Friend, we ſhall certainly find it highly neceſſary He be not without naturall affection.
It is hardly worth the while to enquire why it is ſo rare to find a Friendſhip contracted 'twixt Relatives. But the wonder, if it be one, is taken off, if we conſider that their Souls are of as different makes as if their Perſons had no Relation. For either the Father does not beget the Soul of the Child; or if he does, ſince no man differs more from another then the ſame man at ſeverall times does from himſelf, the next child may be of as contrary a frame of ſpirit, as if he had been the iſſue of a stranger.
Now in Relations which have not that equality, as Father and Son, and the like, or Politick Relations, as King and Subject, the inequality and aw created thence quite deſtroyes poſsibility of Friendſhip; and this incapacity of the greateſt happineſſe here, is the ſharpeſt Thorn in a Kings Crown. Some one King may be there is of ſo extraordinary a Genius, as by unvailing much of his Majeſty, and deſcending to appear in an addreſſe and converſe more familiar & obliging, may arrive at the felicity of Friendſhip: but I muſt not name him, leſt Hiſtorians explode the Narration (as fabulous) and Politicians Him.
And 'tis ſo certain that Superiority, whether Naturall or acquired, forbids Friendſhip, that every place will give you examples of ſtricter Ʋnions 'twixt younger Brothers one with another, then any of them with the elder; eſpecially if the elder Brother hath a kind of adopted Paternity over the younger, and they depend wholly upon him.
If any Love may ſtand in competition with that of Friends, it is the Conjugall; and that, if any where, where the Marriage was purely the choice and congruity of the Perſons united, without the Byaſſe of other Intereſts which uſually bear a great ſway in that Union.
Now even here, unleſſe the Love proceed to a Friendſhip, it is ſhort of what it might come to, and of that Paſsion which the very Perſons have towards others, if ſo be they are really and indeed Friends to any. There be many can adore one as a Miſtreſſe, affect her for a Wife, and yet believe her not ſo proper for all the Relations of Friendſhip; More that while ſhe is a Mistreſſe believe her fit for all thoſe offices, and find themſelves afterwards deceived.
But to bring Marriage and Friendſhip into Competition, allowing onelyonly to Marriage the legal and ordinary Union, I think it will be paſt diſpute where the Tranſcendency lies, if we admit the moſt unqueſtionable Gradation that can be any where deſired. Take it as it lies in Deuteronomy, the 13. chapter, and about the 6. or 7. verſe: where God commanding enticers to Idolatry how near ſoever to be put to death, thus reckons them up; If thy brother the Son of thy Mother, or thy own Son, or Daughter, if the Wife of thy boſome, nay if thy Friend, which is as thine own ſoul, entice thee to Idolatry, &c. thou ſhalt not ſpare them. Higher then a Friend we cannot go. There be thoſe would ſacrifice their other Relations for the preſervation of this; but he that can be perſwaded not to ſpare this, needs little weaning from the reſt. It is not poſsible for me to go higher in evincing the excellency of Friendſhip in relation to all other Loves. Let us look a little nearer and more narrowly into its Nature and Qualities.
One I have already mentioned, its being Communicative: and this keeps Friendſhip in perpetuall Motion and Action, and ſo makes it more reſplendent. By this a private perſon is happier then his Prince, all his Actions and Counſels being ſubjected to a more ingenuous and free debate, and the reſult given more impartially, according to true Intereſt, not affections, and what is worſe, paraſiticall cockering of the humour.
Then Friendſhip hath an Ʋniting quality, it makes two as it were One, but ſo as the Communication is hereby increaſed: for who can doubt diſcloſing what troubles or perplexes him to one ſo much himſelf? 'tis but appealing from my diſtemper'd ſelf, to my ſelf compos'd; all the difference is for my advantage: and when my Pallat is down or my ſight vitiated by ſome ill-acquired Tincture, I have the advantage left of a Taſt and Sight uncorrupted, which reſtores me to as perfect a Judgement as if I were in my own Nature infallible.
Thirdly, Friendſhip is Secret: its communicativeneſſe extends no further then its Relation. And this is the very Prop and Support of all the comforts it is capable of imparting by virtue of its other Qualities. 'Tis the Harbour in which the weather-beaten friend is ſafe after all ſtorms. One cannot readily inſtance a greater incapacity of Friendſhip, then a Spongy Nature; one ready to ſuck in what ſecrets you pleaſe, but as ready to give them up to the firſt hand that calls for them. The Boy in Plutarch that having no where to hide a live Fox he had ſtole, but next his skin, and being purſued for the crime, choſe rather to have his Bowels gnaw'd out by it, then confeſſe the Theft, ſhould teach us a greater constancy of Nature.
He that betrayes the Secrets of his friend intruſted to him is doubly guilty, and by adding Fraud to his Violence, and breach of the greateſt truſt to his Robbery, has withall done execution upon himſelf too, and lives branded and infamous to that degree, that the Gallows, which his Deſperation of ſo much Mercy may in time make him find way to, ſhall be thought a Pardon.
Laſtly, Friendſhip is virtuous; for indeed nothing that is not ſo is or can be laſting. Nor can one long retain a good opinion of Perſons otherwiſe habited. It delights in nothing more then preſerving thoſe in the paths of virtue whoſe inclinations hearken to the worſe. And that very conſideration hath reſtrained many from courſes which, but for the intereſt and preſervation of their Friendſhip, they would have embraced to their Ruine.
I deny not but there may be ſome kind of Union betwixt Perſons of a Complexion very different from virtuous: but that is a Combination, not a Friendſhip; and though the Covenant be never ſo Solemn, will be like an Almanack out of Date, as ſoon as the precious Ends for which it was contracted are accompliſhed.
When I have ſaid Friendſhip is virtuous, I have given it its proper Title, but too comprehenſive to be inſtanced in particularly in the ſeverall Exerciſes of its virtue. And much of that Nature will fall under conſideration in deſcending to ſpeak of the Benefit and Ʋſe of Friendſhip, ſomewhat, in inquiring into the Cauſes of it, which I now am come to.
The Cauſes of Friendſhip are either ſuch as reſpect our deſire of Friendſhip in generall, or more particularly our contracting it with this or that Perſon rather then another; which may as properly be called the Occaſions of our Friendſhip. The firſt are Ʋniverſally Naturall, our common Nature and Principles of Humanity neceſſarily put us upon the acquiſition of Friends. There is an innate deſire in every man from the Principles of Self-preſervation, to make his party as ſtrong and conſiderable as he can, by ingaging ſome other to the protection of that Self which is ſo dear to him.
Again, Man being naturally a Sociable Creature, and a common outward formal Converſe being very empty and unſatisfactory to a communicative Spirit, eſpecially as the world commonly goes, when People watch like Wolves to make a Prey one of another; the Soul boils and grows impatient, till it find ſomewhat where it may more freely and ſafely dilate it ſelf, and that cannot be any where but in the Boſom of a Friend. The inhabitants of the Air and Deſarts, Birds and wild Beaſts are farre more innocent Auditours of our Complaints or Diſcourſes, then Man, unleſſe Friendſhip hath civilized him. And ſince our Paſsions muſt either have vent or they will burſt us, 'tis not onelyonly neceſſary to ſeek the onelyonly proper relief, a Friend, but very adviſable till we find one, to put Demoſthenes practice for the cure of his ſtammering afoot again, and like him Harangue it to the Woods.
In a word, the miſerable uncomfortable Solitude of being without a Friend, the incapacity of adviſing our ſelves or taking diſcreet Counſels, ſince He who teacheth himſelf hath alwayes a fool to his Maſter, the unrelievableneſſe of our bad condition, the unpleaſantneſſe of our beſt for want of a congratulating partner, are powerfull incentives of this Deſire of Friendſhip in all Men.
But then particular Friendſhips, and with one rather then another, are the reſults of particular Natures and Fancies; ſometimes, which are guided by a prevalent Humour to conſort with the Diſpoſition they chooſe; and other times perhaps are contracted not by particularity of choice, preferring the perſon choſen to all others, but by ſome accidentall occaſionall circumſtance offering that Perſon to an endearment, which our Naturall Deſire and indeed Neceſsitie of Friendſhip makes us eagerly embrace.
VVhat the Common Occaſions or Cauſes of contracting Friendſhips are, may be uſefull for our inquiry, eſpecially if we deſire to preſerve any of our concernes from too haſty and unadviſed contracts of that kind. This Caution is indeed as neceſſary and as much to the advantage of thoſe committed to our Care, as the very ſuperviſing their Marriages: A Croſſe and misfortune in the Election of a Friend as fatall as of a Wife. Therefore though Friendſhip it ſelf be virtuous, yet all Perſons of all ages and Tempers are no fit diſpoſers of themſelves; no more then in Marriage, which is virtuous and honourable, but yet does not preſerve all thoſe ſuch who enter into it.
The Conſtitutions of Men are various: ſome of a ſerene, free, tranſparent, open Genius from their Cradles, of a ſoft tender affectionate Nature, and if they follow the guidance of their own thoughts before they come to a Maturity of Judgement, are eaſily inſnared by thoſe of a more ſubtle and naturally diſſembling temper, and ſo may by ſuch as ſtudy onelyonly their ownadvantage, by a few fair words and lefthanded kindneſſes, in the dayes of their Credulity, be betrayed into an endearment, from which they expect the Name of Friend, when more truely that of Stalking-horſe fits better the uſe they are put to.
The Common Occaſions of beginning Friendſhips with particular Perſons, are either a long acquaintance, begun eſpecially in the Age of greateſt tenderneſſe and fondneſſe, but leaſt judgement; or when we come to underſtanding, a ſenſe of Gratitude where we are obliged highly upon ſlender or no merit; at leaſt not particularly applyed to the perſon obliging. The Naturall and Congeniall Return of Love is Love, it will not be barter'd for any thing elſe, nor admit any other thing in Exchange for it: and though it brings all things with it, as he that gives himſelf will ſurely deny nothing; yet it brings it ſelf, which is better then all, and without which all the reſt is nothing.
Now whoſoever deſires to grow into a Friendſhip with a particular Perſon, whom his own obſervation (as farre as a ſtranger can obſerve) and a generall Fame hath recommended to his thoughts, will quickly be ingenious enough to find wayes of expreſsing the Eſteem He hath, and Endearment He deſires: and if the Reſentment be anſwerable to Expectation, which it will be if there be any of that Common Ingenuity which a truely noble and friendly Nature is alwayes furniſhed with, here is a fair foundation laid whereon to build a firm and laſting Friendſhip.
But becauſe no Perſon credits Fame enough to take up Friendſhip on Truſt from her, though he may receive thence great praevious inclinations, and ſuch as may go very farre in blinding his Judgement when he hath greateſt Ʋſe of it; we may conſider that the firſt ordinary deſignation of the Perſon we affect, (where we have not been prepoſſeſſed with a Traditionall Merit in him) is from the Eyes; and 'tis the Eye too that where we have truſted much to Report, gives the firſt Teſtimony of our aſſent to its Veracity.
Every Motion, Paſsion, Affection, and Alteration of the Soul, is indeed firſt perceptible in the Eye, the motions whereof are much nimbler then of any other part; and I have known Bluſhes viſible in the Eyes of thoſe whoſe Bloud hath come much ſlower into their Face, and onelyonly time enough to teſtify that they were not deceived who read their Bluſhes in their Eyes before.
Nor is the Eye merely Declaratory of our choice, but inſtrumentall in it too. All men believe (or by their practice ſeem to believe) that from the Aſpect, Countenance, Meine, Aire, or Spiritous Reſultance (ariſing from the Compoſure of the Face) call it which you pleaſe, a ſhrewd Judgement is to be made of the Nature and Conditions: And the Principles of this Philoſophy are probably clear, if the Rules to reduce them into Practice were ſo. But however, we all allow our ſelves ſo well skill'd in this Phyſiognomy, that we venture to deſcant to our ſelves upon the Conditions of a whole Company, though merely Strangers to us, and ſhall preferre ſome and condemn others, right or wrong, becauſe Our (may be deceiving) Sight hath imprinted Characters in us to their favour or prejudice.
Two, though never ſo eſtranged to us, can hardly contend either in Fight or Play, but that we ſhall be factious in our wiſhes and fancies for the one rather then the other: and amidſt a throng of ſuch we never ſaw before, our Eye will fix on and mark out ſome one or other, as a more deſireable Object of Friendſhip then all there beſides.
VVhen we have gone thus farre, we cannot be ſo much wanting to our own ſatisfaction as not to experiment by innocent arts and applications whether we are deceived in our Judgement of that Perſon: and if we are, the comfort is the Errour is not fatal; for no Reflections of unkindneſſe, or rather eſtrangement from one for whom we have onelyonly harboured an extraordinary good opinion, without a progreſſe to mutuall endearments, will proceed to Heart-breakings and dyings for Love.
The firſt experimentall applications in order to this diſcovery are, Obſervation of the Inclinations of ſuch perſon, and practicall compliances with them as much as is poſsible, particular addreſſes of the Eyc and Diſcourſe to that perſon, unſatisfactorineſſe in other company where that may be had, and a greedy catching at Opportunities of doing Civilities of ſuch a Nature as flow not from Principles of mere Civility; all which if received as meant, will not be long without very ſenſible Returns, ſuch as our ſelves could wiſh.
But if the Eye be tinctured with ſelfiſhneſſe, and theſe common Organs of Election vitiated and indiſpoſed by ſome ſuch ill predominant humour, if either an extraordinary Moroſity of Nature, want of Naturall affection, Pride, and Self-conceitedneſse, or in a word any vitious and contrariant Habit to the Piety and Innocency of Friendſhip, makes our ſight perfectly uſeleſſe to the Settlement of our Judgement concerning the aptitude of any one to the Relation we are ſpeaking of, it is a very impertinent labour to deſigne other Rules for his guidance, ſince till thoſe impediments be remov'd and his Eye-ſight clear'd, he is incapable of being a Friend.
Now ſince Nature as well as Manners hath ſome contradictions to Friendſhip, and thoſe not ſo eaſily removeable neither, (for, by the way, though all men do naturally appetite Friendſhip, they are not capable of the perfection of it, and yet to ſatisfie their naturall neceſsities of it, they muſt have ſomewhat like, or inſtead of it) we have the more Reaſon to proceed leiſurely and with deliberation our ſelves in a thing of ſo great concernment as the chuſing a Friend, and retard the Election of thoſe of a more tender age (within our verge) who are not yet arrived at Diſcretion to make Judgement of their own Nature, much leſſe of anothers.
And though we could poſsibly afford them ſome help in deciphering the Nature of their Compeeres, that being as legible, to a conſidering and that-wayintelligent Perſon, in a ſmall Print, even Childhood, as a fairer Letter: Yet their Manners depending commonly upon imbibed Principles, and alwayes upon Cuſtome and Practice (whereby now and then they are ſwayed againſt their Principles) it cannot be ſafe to enter into ſo ſtrict an Ʋnion, which invovles them in the ſame courſes, till they have given Evidences of a life ſeaſoned with ſo much Religion and Morality together as will not in probability miſcarry.
'Tis true, our Younger yeares are not capable of the Seriouſneſſe and Solidities of Friendſhip; but notwithſtanding that they are very apt for the contracting Habituall Inclinations to the conſtant companions of our Converſe, and thoſe not ſo eaſily eradicated afterwards, when there appears juſt cauſe to wiſh they never had footing or Plantation.
Some are ſo ſevere, they will not allow the Bonds of Friendſhip to be entred into before thoſe of Matrimony: for this being the Criticall change (or if you will, beginning) of our life, and the Eſpouſall of new Intereſts, perhaps they may be ſuch as are prejudiciall to, or inconſiſtent with our former friendſhips; which will beget a ſtrange and bitter conflict in the Soul, wherein which Side ſoever gets the better, the Man is miſerable and unfortunate, and hath no cauſe to triumph for the Victory. For indeed in Civil warres of old, the Romans never allowed the Conquerour to ride in Triumph. Therefore the ſeverity is very ſafe and uſefull, eſpecially if exerciſed by one over himſelf: for ſo long he is free and happy, while his Paſsions are in his own Subjection and Awe, and no bodies elſe.
But then He who is arrived at this Empire over himſelf, is not ſo eaſily engaged in Marriage oppoſite to and deſtructive of his Friendſhip, and hath Prudence enough to reconcile thoſe ſeeming or (if reall) ill-grounded Oppoſitions. For it is the Diſeaſe and Corruption of our Natures that animates theſe contrary Intereſts, and ſeeks to give Feuds a greater duration then Amities. And yet we find this diſeaſe very catching.
For very ſeldome do we find Friendlineſſe deſcend in a Bloud. The next generations and deſcents may, for the freſhneſse of the Example, and Speech of People, keep in reaſonable good Intelligence; but at the ſecond or third deſcent they look upon themſelves like Coſin-Germans ſo many times removed: and as they by a popular errour believe themſelves incapable of Intermarriage, which in a nearer Degree they hold lawfull; ſo theſe are, or at leaſt commonly act in relation to the continuance of the old, or contracting of new Friendſhips.
Nay, what is more unpardonable then all this, you ſhall ſometimes ſee the ſurviving Friend wholly unconcern'd in the Relations of him deceaſed, at leaſt too-too-forgetfull of the precious Reliques of his Friend. But where that happens, it ſhews clearly, if either of them did love really, who loved beſt; a Controverſie (and the onelyonly one) irreconcileable 'twixt the Perſons themſelves while alive.
And would we had no Examples of this kind in our own obſervation. But the ſaddeſt one I ever met in return of the Nobleſt and deareſt Friendſhip, was that of David towards Mephiboſheth. A Pick-thank malicious Informer, upon no colour of truth, accuſes him to David: He, without further examination, gives this informer Ziba his Eſtate; and afterwards, though convinced of the Innocency of Mephiboſheth, would notwithſtanding onelyonly reſtore him half his Eſtate. Have I not ſaid it (ſayes David) Thou and Ziba divide the land? Yea (ſayes Mephiboſheth) Let him take it all, ſeeing my Lord the King is returned in peace. Surely Jonathans ſonne deſerved better uſage from David, if but for Jonathans ſake: and I am perſwaded, if the Scales had been turn'd, Jonathan would not have uſed a ſonne of Davids ſo: and therefore I ſhall never queſtion which of them two loved beſt; no more then I ſhall who wept most at their laſt parting, ſave that the Scripture is poſitive in this, that David exceeded, and Reaſon evinces that Jonathan did ſo in the clearneſſe of his Friendſhip.
On the other ſide, if we once conceive our ſelves injured, and thereupon entertain high Animoſities, we will take ſpeciall care to entail them, and moſt commonly do it with that advantage, that our Poſterity will preſerve this more precious part of their Inheritance to go in Succeſsion, though they leave nothing elſe of their eſtate; as if like Mordecay's, an affront (and that poſsibly of our own making or interpretation) were irreparable without the extinguiſhment not of the Perſon alone whence the Fire firſt kindled, but the very Eradication of his Name and Race: So much apter are we through the Depravation of Nature and Morality, rather to revenge ill turns, then acknowledge good ones.
Eminent examples of theſe hereditary Feuds there be in all Nations, eſpecially Forreigne; but ſo few of reall and ſolid friendſhip, that it will be the leſſe wonder to find Perſons that have ſpent many yeares in Travell, and amongſt ſuch as live rather by Rules of Policy then Honeſty, (though that be the beſt) and ſuch are the major part, ſeldome (if ever) contract more then ſuperficiall and formall Friendſhips: unleſſe it be with ſome continued partner of his Travels, whom the Circumſtances of mutuall kindneſſes and uniting dangers, have firmly endeared and knit together; or except it was entred into before his flying abroad, and kept alive there by a continued correſpondence.
The two uſuall Reſidences of thoſe who do not ſo much ride abroad, as inhabit, are France and Italy: in one of which the reigning Humour is Levity, in the other Jealouſie; either of which poſſeſsing a Soul makes it inhabitable by a clear and ſublime Friendſhip.
Now ſome Fathers are ſo over-politick, that though they know this, or rather, becauſe they know this, commend thoſe they deſigne for the Support of their Name to be Principled there, and are very glad to ſee them ſuck in and hug dark and pernicious Axiomes of Diſsimulation, and ſacrificing all to Intereſt. They pleaſe themſelves ſtrangely to find their hopefull Poſterity count a Good-natur'd Man and a Fool the ſame thing under various expreſssion; to ſay of Friendſhip as of Plain-dealing, that it is a Jewell, but who uſes it ſhall die a Beggar. A number there are of Maximes to this effect, which whether borrowed from Machiavil or Ignatius is not much materiall: but let not Friendſhip hear the worſe for theſe clamours, eſpecially ſince the ſame Perſons, and upon the ſame ſlender account ſay the ſelf-ſame things of Religion.
But as no body ever ſpoke againſt Religion but they that had none, and therefore endeavour to confute it by Votes rather then Arguments; ſo 'tis of Friendſhip too. But while men ſpeak againſt what they underſtand not, the greateſt Non-plus they can put their Auditours to is, to reſolve whether theſe Detractours have more Ignorance or Impudence.
A good wit that had leiſure enough, might without Force extend the Parallell 'twixt Religion and Friendſhip very farre. Certainly there is a very near reſemblance betwixt them: They grow and thrive beſt in the ſame ſoil: They have the ſame Enemies; the ſame weeds choke them.
We make a juſt account that all Vice is destructive of Friendſhip, for the Progreſsion of Vice is infinite, and the Multiplication like that of Hydra's heads, or the Covetous mans deſires, they have no bound nor Damm; and therefore if we could allow ſome one Vice compatible with this ſacred Amity, yet ere long that Vice would have got company, that Devil ſeven more, and they worſe then himſelf: For even the Devil loves not to be alone; and therefore the old Adage which ſayes the Solitary Man that loves to be alone is either a God or a Devil, is not to be literally ſtrain'd, for it was never meant farther then to ſhew ſuch Perſons are extraordinary, either good, or bad. And ſo by this Catenation of Vices, ſome one link of the chain would be found confeſſedly too heavy for Friendſhip to bear.
I do not ſay a Friend muſt not ſin, much leſſe cannot; that were to confeſſe there could be no Friendſhip here on Earth, for I am ſure there cannot be any Condition of man exempt from ſin. But there is a vaſt difference 'twixt a Sin and a Vice, at leaſt I would be underſtood ſo now. Every going leſſe then our Duty is a Sin: but by Vice I intend ſome choſen approved darling Habit of doing wickedly, which we indulge to our ſelves. And this, let it be of what kind you pleaſe, quite incapacitates the ſoul for Friendſhip, becauſe it hath ſeated this Vice in a higher Place and a dearer affection, then it reſerves for the Friend; and conſequently on a neceſsity of parting with one of the two, would ſhake hands with the Friend and retain the Vice.
'Twere extreamly tedious to run over all the Vices, and ſhew how they were particularly excluſory of Friendſhip, ſince their Priority in our affection (if there were no other) is evidence enough. But let us caſt our eyes upon two or three of them that have the mildeſt Names, & either for their Cuſtomarineſs in moſt places, or Connaturalneſſe with many Tempers, ſeem to claim a little more connivence or Indulgence; and when we have found theſe upon Triall to have no Right at all to Friendſhip, we conclude ſafely againſt all others which have onelyonly the ſame or (it may be) more weak Title.
I will inſtance in Luſt or Wantonneſſe, Drunkenneſſe, and Covetouſneſſe; which their favourers call A Trick of youth, Good-fellowſhip, and Thrift.
For the firſt; Did not the ſatisfying of Curius his Lust coſt him the lives of his deareſt and Sacramentally-combined Partners, while his proſtitute Fulvia ſucks from him the deep Secret of Catilines conſpiracy? And after ſo ſolemn a Conſignation of Secrecy 'twixt the Conſpiratours, can we believe he that would expoſe them, would if they had been the moſt dear Friends have been more continent? Nay did not Sampſon betray that Secret to Dalilah (after he had reaſon enough to gueſſe for what end ſhe was ſo inquiſitive) that coſt him his life? and can we imagine, He that could not continue his own friend, ſhould have conquered and withſtood the ſame Temptations for the Preſervation of another? And to leave examples, hath not the Apocrypha, (Canonicall enough in this particular) given us a large Muſter-Roll of the Forces of Women?
For Drunkenneſſe (give it as good words as they pleaſe) is it not a confeſſed betrayer of Secrets, and conſequently of Friendſhip? Did not Alexander in his drink ſtab one of moſt eſteem with him? Drunkenneſſe does the ſame thing every day, it kills the Friend though not the Man, deſtroyes the relation though not the Perſon: in a word, an habituall drunkard though he was once my Friend, cannot be ſo when he is drunk, becauſe he is no longer himſelf.
Thirdly, the Covetous man that makes money his God, will Sacrifice his deareſt friend Religiouſly to it. Tell him he hath dealt diſhonourably with his Friend, Hang honour (ſayes he) Give me twelve pence. Tell him he hath baſely ſold his Friend, he will reply, I got five hundred pound by it, and would I could ſell all the friends I have at that Rate. Theſe pithy Sentences are too true and Moderne. But what Fruits of Friendſhipp can be expected from the Root of all Evil?
That Religion then and Friendſhip have the ſame Enemies I take for granted, from the paſt inſtances and genuine Conſequences of them; and ſo have they the ſame Friends and Intereſts; They are like Hippocrates Twins, they live and die together. I need not ſtretch the Parallell any farther; This is more then enough to juſtifie Friendſhip againſt the loudeſt Calumny, and take off part of the wonder (if it be one) to find ſo loud clamouring againſt that and Religion.
But to give a clear account why the beſt things are uſed ſo ill, we are to conſider, That the greateſt part of the World are Strangers to Piety (not to ſay Enemies) and conſequently to Friendſhip. He that is an underminer of the Foundation muſt of neceſsity ruine the Superſtructure. Now Religion is the beſt Groundwork and Foundation imaginable, whereupon to build a dear and moſt firm Friendſhip: for how is it poſsible He ſhould not be admirable in the love and endearing of his friends, who hath learn'd of a Maſter that hath taught him to love his enemies?
But this is not all: 'Tis not the Open enemies of Friendſhip and Religion that have brought them into Queſtion and Contempt, but the pretended Profeſſours, through whoſe ſides they are wounded. It hath been the ill Logick of many ages, and we have had ſad Examples of it in this Nation, to transferre the Crimes of Perſons upon the function, place, office, and calling; from hence it is that all the Accuſations againſt Biſhops and Kings are urged to the abolition of Epiſcopacy and Monarchy. Now though this be a very irrationall way of argument, yet when made uſe of againſt Friendſhip and Religion it is farre more abſurd: For thoſe men upon whoſe account Epiſcopacy and Monarchy are condemned, are really Biſhops and Kings; but they through whoſe default Friendſhip and Religion are calumniated, are neither Religious nor Friends, but onelyonly Hypocriticall Pretenders.
At the beginning of our Combuſtions here, when the main Argument of all companies was the Lawfulneſſe or Ʋnlawfulneſſe of raiſing Arms against the King, I happened to be in company where a Graecian Patriarch of Conſtantinople urged ſeverely (as being moved with indignation at the example of Subjects taking Arms againſt their King) the Apology of Biſhop Jewel for the Church of England, wherein in the Name of the Church he teaches other Doctrine, which notwithſtanding this Forreigner could by no means be perſwaded to credit as a received profeſſed Proteſtant Doctrine, againſt ſuch a Cloud of witneſſes as were in Arms againſt it. The onelyonly anſwer a Proteſtant Divine gave him was, Thoſe you talk of in Arms are none of our Church, we diſclaim them. Truely the ſelf-ſame anſwer we may juſtly give concerning them whoſe Scandalous Courſes beſpatter things ſo Sacred as Religion and Friendſhip.
'Tis high time, as I take it, to put an end now to this tedious—what ſhall I call it? I have ſcribled much more then I promiſed, intended, or thought poſsible for me. You are too ingenious to object my promiſe of treating of the Benefits and Ʋſes of Friendſhip, as an obliging argument for my protraction of this, which muſt have more then tired you ere now: for you cannot but have collected all I can hint on that account, from what is already paſt your view. I would not willingly come to repetition of them, ſince it muſt of neceſsity be irksome to you, whoſe own obſervation hath collected more particulars of that kind then I have or can expreſſe. But yet upon the ſame ſcore all this might have been ſpared. For you want no knowledge of what Friendſhip is, nor any allurements to it. If I were to recapitulate all the Motives proper for perſwaſion of thoſe who yet underſtand not what this Friendſhip is, I ſhould be Voluminous. But yet ſince the Deſigne it ſelf of courting men into a good opinion of Friendſhip is in it ſelf ſo Noble, and people have ſo awkward Imaginations of it, that all the art of the moſt powerfull Pen is little enough to winne their attention, and reconcile them to their own true Intereſt, for Friendſhip is ſo, when it is rightly underſtood; I will offer ſomewhat as a Motive to our embracing it: which ſhall not be any painting or artificiall Dreſſe, but its own Native Beauty and Lustre; which will appear beſt in the inquiry into its Uſe and Benefit, that being the touchſtone which makes it paſſe for currant or not.
The Benefits, Advantages, and Comforts that flow from Friendſhip are as many, nay more then flow from Life it ſelf. Life is a burthen to many for want of a Friend; but a Friend was never, never can be a Burthen to any, and who thinks otherwiſe never knew what Friendſhip was.
I had almoſt ſaid a Man never lives, truely lives, till he has a Friend; and if I had, thoſe who are Friends would believe me, ſo improved a way of living is that of Friendſhip; thoſe who are not will, when they come to be ſo happy.
Friendſhip does the ſame thing to the whole Man that the Rationall Soul does to the imperfect Embryo: as that addes a higher and more ſublime life to what had onelyonly Vegetation and Senſe before, ſo does this to that.
There is not any Condition of our life that either does not receive, or at leaſt is not capable of receiving a vaſt Support and Comfort from Friendſhip. The ſaddeſt condition imaginable, when thy Patience as well as Strength fails thee, and thy Grief carries a weight with it able to ſink thee to the Centre of the Earth, and cruſh thee to Nothing, may be ſupported by the aſsiſtant Arm of a Friend. And the beſt Condition thou canſt fancy to thy ſelf here, unleſſe thou haſt friends, falls and dies and periſhes in a moment. For thy Gladneſſe, like the Shunamites oile, encreaſes ſtill and never ſtops, while thou haſt a Veſſel, a Friend, to poure it into. And is not this more then enough to recommend Friendſhip to us, to find it capable of abating our Grief, and increaſing our Joy?
Nor does the common Objection againſt Friends, of diſparity of Condition, invalidate this Benefit of Friendſhip: For that wealth and imaginary Honour wherein ſo many pride themſelves, are tranſitory, and may periſh; a Friend cannot, and therefore is farre the more conſiderable Treaſury: Nay the very wealth and honour it ſelf is hardly preſerved without a Friend. Now he that after that Pomp which made him deem all Perſons below his Friendſhip, ſhall fall into a Condition of Poverty as eminent in its kind as his former Splendour, and the more pointed at for that Splendour; hath nothing left in Art or Nature to make his Condition tolerable, and becomes inſufferably Ridiculous. Even his being humbled will ten to one be without either the pleaſure or rewards of Humility; for it is rare if it prove ſo to ſuch Spirits, ſo much difference is there 'twixt being humble and humbled, Humility and Humiliation.
I remember Aeſop tells us of an Aſse, that being overburthen'd with his Maſters Carriage, deſired a Horſe, his fellow-ſervant and led leer by him, to eaſe him by bearing a Part: but the Horſe was too proud, and ſo refuſed. What follows? The Aſſe dies under the Oppreſsion, and ſo the whole load devolves to the Horſes back. The Fable moralizes it ſelf. Many prepare heavy and inſupportable burthens for themſelves by being Brutiſh, unſociable, and uncommunicative.
I but (ſayes my politick Objectour) is this your Rhetorick and art of perſwaſion towards Friendſhip, to make men carry Burthens? This is not to make us Friends, but Porters. I anſwer, it is farre otherwiſe: For had the Horſe been the Aſſes friend, he had proved his own too, and by parting the load made it none; For Burthens, like Rivers, divided looſe their Name.
Friendſhip is very farre from being oppreſsive in any of its Offices; for that cannot be a Burthen which is neither thought ſo nor felt ſo: and were it poſsible for me to receive one from my Friend, his Caution to preſerve me from it would make my own needleſſe. I have known very ingenious arts practiſed by Friends in conferring (on one part) and declining (on the other) Civilities, which the receiving hand hath imagined oppreſsive to the giving: But that is rare. Yet where a Friendſhip doth grow ſo boundleſſe that it ſhall be thought to want limits, thoſe limits muſt be of thy Friends ſetting, not thy own.
I could (to ſave my ſelf more pains) very contentedly believe I have by this time (taking what's ſcattered in the former Pages into conſideration, together with this laſt ſupply) given conſiderations enough to render Friendſhip deſireable, without the addition of any more. But one more will neceſſarily fall into our Examination, by a ſhort inquiry into what may fit us for Friendſhip, as friendſhip is fit for us (unleſſe the fault be ours) and that is Religion, the having or wanting whereof is the main Hinge upon which our Friendſhip is turn'd.
All Souls are Equall; and unleſſe they have taken up ill & contrary Principles either from ill Education, or an unlucky Temper and compoſition of their reſpective Bodies, whoſe Temperament they follow, ſo would our Diſpoſitions be too all Equall and very like. But let the Aſsimilation hold in as many particulars as you can fancy, if they differ in Piety (not in degrees, but the whole) there is a diſsimilitude irreconcileable by Friendſhip.
I am told in Architecture that Lime and Timber are ſo unſociable, that the Beams of that Houſe which are laid in Morter will be by it corroded and burnt up, to the deſtruction of the Fabrick, and the worſe this morter is temper'd the ſooner. Now a Man without Piety and Religion is this untemper'd Morter, and will certainly eat out the heart of that Friendſhip you thought firmly built upon him.
If you deſire therefore to have a Friend, learn firſt to be Religious. 'Tis not any fantaſticall imaginary Greatneſſe and diſproportion of Condition can make the inferiour Perſon uſeleſſe as a Friend: You have heard of the Lion in the Fable that was delivered from the Net and Death by the little Mouſe; and no man differs ſo much from another; or if you can think they may, yet you have heard of a Poore Woman, who by her wiſedome delivered a great City from as great a danger. 'Tis onelyonly the want of Religion, which makes either us incapable of others Friendſhips, or them of ours: For this flatuous tumorous humour which makes us too bigge to be graſp'd by a Friend, and all other contrariant tempers to Friendſhip will be mortified by Religion.
I muſt not go on here, leſt I ſend a Homily inſtead of a Letter. All I ſhall adde is this; Let us all labour to get this neceſſary Foundation, Cement, and All of Religion, and then we are not onelyonly Excuſeable if we want Friends, but have this Comfort and Suppletory and Cordiall left us, when thoſe whom we choſe for friends have through their own Vanity and Impiety forſaken us, that God is, and while we be Religious, will be our Friend.
To that Almighty Friend, I recommend you, who have a Soul ſo exactly built up for an Eternall and Glorious Friendſhip, that I cannot want any of the happineſſes I have deſcribed here, and wiſh you (though the wiſh be needleſſe) eternally Partaker of, while I have the honour and advantage of being
Octob. 30. 1653. Your Friend (all Epithetes are needleſse and go leſſe) PALAEMON.
End of the text · George Wither, Friendship (1654)