The Art of Divine Meditation, Part 2

The Art of Divine Meditation · Part 2

p. 72Inſtances OF Solemn, Occaſionall MEDITATION.

Meditation 1

ALas my God I am in a ſad condition, mine afflictions grow daily upon me, and that which is mine unſupportable miſery, my corruptions, grow faſter upon me then my affliction; What before made me weep will not now make me ſigh; The heavy burthen of a great abomination p. 73doth not lie upon me ſo much as before I was oppreſſed with a vain thought in my praiers: Alas Lord, alas, I am undone, alas my corruptions have almoſt made me love them, and make me weary of duties, and careleſſe of graces, My joys are gone, and my ſorrows are gone that were ſutable to thy Word, and now my joys are but the laughter of fools, and my ſorrows are carnall, ſenſuall, and more of hell in them then of heaven, and as now I can ſcarce tell my ſorrows, ſo have I ſcarce any ſorrow to tell; I have ſate down and wept to conſider the great decays of holineſſe in me, but now I can ſee my God going from me, and whenas now he is even out of ſight, mine eyes are as dry as my heart is hard; Alas Lord if thou wilt not return, thou p. 74wilt loſe a poor ſoul that hath loved thee, and is ſomewhat troubled; Now poor ſad ſoul that it is ſo wicked as it is.

Meditat. II.

Lord, thou ſeeſt the ſtrange diſtempered temper of mine heart and ſpirit, ah bleſſed God I ſhould take more comfort if I ſhould ſee my heart-bloud running forth before mine eye, then to ſee mine eyes ſo dry and my heart ſo hard, I have worn out almoſt all motives to holineſſe, they now take no impreſſion in me which before were too ſtrong for me to bear, they raviſht me which now do not move me: I ſcarce ever go to prayer but I have enough and too many ſpirituall complaints to employ it to expreſs; p. 75If every day I had not juſt cauſe to bewail a continued decay of grace, I might have ſome reſpit of my griefs: But what ſhall I now do? When every day ſhall bear witneſſe againſt me, and every night my ſin ſhall go to bed with me, and lie in my boſome, and riſe in the morning more ſtrong then at night: Ah when my former holy life ſhall be more terrible then others wicked lives; When my former prayers ſhall be like the gall of Aſpes unto me, when thoſe duties which ſhould be my comfort are my terrour: Alas what can my poor ſoul do? when my preſent ſins and my paſt duties which of them are the heavieſt burthen unto me, I do not know, what ſhall I do? When I conſider theſe things, then the thoughts of the affliction that lies p. 76upon me makes me weep a tear or two, and my vain heart, my deceitfull heart, would perſwade me that I weep for my ſins: Thoſe in deſertion are in a bleſſed condition to me, they are ſad and I am miſerable; I am guilty of that which their conſciences do but accuſe them of: Alas, have I loſt my communion with God? my ſweet communion, and the power I had to prevail with him for any mercy almoſt that I praied for? now I can pray, and pray, and pray, and go away without a bleſſing, I can almoſt be content to be wicked, Thou knoweſt mine heart or elſe my tears would deceive thee as well as me: If they are worldly thoughts that have eſtranged me from thee, thou knoweſt how to cure me; If mine utter impoveriſhings will cure me, let me be p. 77as poor as Job; If thou waſt not ſuch a Phyſician as thou art I was paſt thy cure.

Meditat. III.

Lord, I am come now to pour out my ſoul before thee, and my tears into thy boſome, to tell thee the ſad thoughts and ſorrows of my heart; Ah my God, In this bitterneſſe of my ſoul, and with tears in mine eyes, and pride in my heart, and ſenceleſneſſe upon my ſpirit, I ſpeak theſe things: Ah Lord, thou haſt ſcourged me with ſcorpions, for my ſins do encreaſe as well as my afflictions, theſe afflictions to me are ſcorpions, to me they have poiſon in them, and at once I am ſcourged and ſtung with them, a ſad eaſe it is when my puniſhment p. 78is heavier then I can bear, and yet notwithſtanding I go from the preſence of God too, and that more and more. My tears dry up in mine eyes, and my love goes out of my heart as ſoon as kindled; When the Candle of the Lord ſhined upon my Tabernacle in my firſt converſion, when the fire of thy love was kindled in my heart, I have had ſome diſcourſes of devotion, that I was not able to bear the raviſhment that the remembrance and meditation of them brought to my ſoul, now almoſt as full of ſadneſſe as then of joy: after thoſe times, as thoſe after the Floud, My joys and the acts and workings of my grace grew very ſhort-lived in compariſon of what they were before; Then they were Methuſalems for age, and Sampſons p. 79for ſtrength to what they are now; Before though I fell ſpiritually ſick, and my ſtrength and comfort was gone, yet I was ſenſible of my weakneſſe, it was a pain and a grief unto me that I could not walk into the delightful garden of the Spouſe, and to the ſweet bed of his Spices; I could weep for want of tears; if not, I could mourn for want of ſorrow, but now like a man that hath groaned and ſtrugled ſo long that he can ſtruggle no longer, but grown ſenceleſſe, can hardly be perceived to breathe or live; If the ſweeteſt muſick ſhould be plaid by him, or the deareſt friend in the world ſhould come and ask him with tears in his eyes, Dear Husband, or Dear Wife, how do you? the poor ſick one doth not ſo much as open the eye to ſee p. 80who it is that ſpeaks, or if open them, they being preſently heavy with death, fall down again, and he dies; So is it with my poor ſoul ſometimes, I can hear my Saviour as it were ſaying unto me (for ſometimes methinks I ſee him about my ſick ſoul,) Ah poor Soul how doſt thou do? Is my Joſeph yet living? But alas, Lord, thou knoweſt I have ſcarce ſtrength or life to lift up mine eye to thee, Lord, Can theſe bones live? Can theſe dry eyes weep? Can this frozen heart be enflamed?

Meditat. IV.

Lord, I am aſhamed to conſider what I know of thee, when I think what I do for thee: Ah my God, the cares of the world lie heavy upon me, Reſolutions p. 81though never ſo ſtrong are too weak to overcome my corruptions; Alas, I can ſcarce ſay any more then I have ſaid in the confeſſing and bewailing my ſad ſpirituall condition, though I have ſaid nothing to what I ſhould ſay, Have I not told thee Lord, with tears in mine eyes, and with a ſad heart, that I found my corruptions get ground of me? my prayers, my tears, my reſolutions, and ſome endeavours do reſiſt but cannot overcome them, theſe keep them from prevailing ſo ſoon but not from prevailing; I humbly confeſſe or deſire ſo to do that I may complain to thee, but I ſhould adde to mine abominations exceedingly if I ſhould complain of thee; Mine heart doth almoſt tempt me to it, when I conſider what I was and what I p. 82am, It is as a Talent of Lead upon my Soul, yet ſince by my preaching thou art glorified, and thy people edified more then if I ſhould ſpend all my time in private Meditation, I am willing to ſubmit, only I do humbly beſeech thee with tears in mine eyes, that though I have leſſe time to ſpend in ſuch private duties, yet that my poor ſoul may not loſe her love to them, and though I perform fewer duties, I may not perform them worſe then I did when I performed more.

Meditat. V.

I do much wonder at my ſelf and at many, nay ſomewhat at all Chriſtians upon daies of humiliation, but moſt at my ſelf to hear the tongue of a poor Chriſtian p. 83confeſſing, and his eyes weeping for his ſins, and ſpeaking of them with ſuch expreſſions and ſuch ſighs that one would think Surely this Chriſtian keeps a ſtrict Communion with God, ſurely he would not ſin for a world, ſurely God is in all this mans thoughts: and yet ſtay but whileſt he hath done his praier, and you finde in him ſuch ſtrong thoughts, words, and actions, that are almoſt incredible, looſe and idle words, and vain thoughts, I but too often experience makes it even paſt hope it ſhould be otherwiſe with me: If any Town that was ſtraitly beſieged with cruel enemies, ſhould ſend for aid to ſuch or ſuch, and when they came they ſhould ſend out moſt of the Town to joyn with the enemy againſt thoſe that came to help them, What we would ſay of p. 84ſuch people, Lord, juſt thus are we, We have a world of corruptions and temptations, ſin, and hell, and Satan, all beſet us, all beſet us, and violently aſſault us, we pray for the help of God againſt them day after day, We ſend our prayers to Heaven for aſſiſtance, Well, God doth ſend his holy Spirit to help this poor ſoul, In the Miniſtery of the Word tels us what we ſhould do to overcome theſe enemies, and ſends many motions of the Spirit to bring into our ſouls grace to ſtrengthen us; We will not do what he adviſeth us to do, nay, but we take part with our corruptions, and reſiſt and fight againſt the power of the world to come; Oh thy patience is not to be underſtood, I am weary to think before I go to prayer, how little fruit I expect p. 85from them; I pray, and pray, and weep, and reade, and hear, and ſigh, and confeſſe theſe as well as other of my ſins, and yet as a Ship in the Sea they do divide my corruptions for the preſent, but they preſently return to their former courſe; Lord, do not the bowels of thy compaſſion yern within thee to ſee me thy poor Servant in ſuch a miſerable condition as I am in? Doſt thou not ſee how ſin and corruption do as it were lie gnawing upon me, and eating up my very fleſh, and deſtroying my ſoul, and I have neither hand nor foot to move againſt them? Lord, who is it that muſt make me hate corruption, is it not thy Spirit? Who muſt overcome my reſiſting of thy Spirit, is it not thy Spirit? Lord, I do not know in the world what to p. 86do, to leave off ſtriving were not only to deſpair of thy goodneſſe becauſe thou doſt not help as much and when I will, and beſides if I cannot get ground, nay, though notwithſtanding I loſe ground, yet doubtleſſe I ſhall not go ſo ſwiftly down ſtream as if I ſtrove not at all: if I muſt be forſaken by thee to all Eternity, yet Lord, let me not while I live ſo fall that I ſhould be a ſcandal to Religion; Alas, Is it come to this O my ſoul, that I muſt ſay, If God will forſake me for ever.

Meditat. VI.

In the moſt ſerious addreſſes of my ſoul to take hold upon God, I finde an unhappy frozenneſſe benumme the beſt of my devotions, and thereby I ſhew either p. 87that I am extremely ignorant of thee Lord, or what is worſe, ſenſeleſſe of thee; The truth is I may juſtly tremble when I come to keep any day of humiliation in thy ſight, not only becauſe of the deſperate ſins I am gulity of, but ſpecially becauſe ſuch duties do work little or nothing upon me, and this is ſure enough, that thoſe Ordinances that do not foften, do harden; I am in a great ſtraight, my Conſcience drives me upon duties, and I dare not omit them, and yet my heart is ſo hard and filthy that they do not purifie me, So I am more defiled then before: Ah my God, thou knoweſt what afflictions are bitter and ſtrong enough to purge theſe corruptions; Lord, ſend them, and though I am ſo vile that I do not now fervently and earneſtly enough p. 88deſire to be cured, but yet Lord I know my want of deſires of Reformation is one of my greateſt corruptions, I deſire to be cured of that, or at leaſt Lord, thy fatherly goodneſſe I hope will take care to cure me of that, and Lord, this I know, that when thou ſhalt ſend any ſuch affliction upon me, I ſhall it is too likely murmure and be weary of the chaſtiſement of the Lord; It may be I ſhall pray for the taking off of that corraſive before it hath eaten away that deadneſſe of heart and other corruptions that now lie upon me, yet Lord do not yeeld to ſuch praiers, go on with thy cure, and if I be impatient cure that corruption alſo, and every other corruption that ſhall appear in the time of cure of any corruption: we ſhall bleſſe thee p. 89one day for not hearing and not granting ſuch praiers as ſhall be for our ſpirituall harm: Lord, Death is very bitter unto me, ſurely it would not be ſo bitter if there were no root of bitterneſſe in me; If I kept a ſtricter communion with thee in this world, I ſhould long for a full communion with thee in heaven for ever.

Meditat. VII.

Since our dear Lord Jeſus Chriſt hath loved me and given himſelf for me, oh that my heart was raviſht with his love, oh that he was the beloved of my ſoul, and that I were ſick of his love who died for the love of me; Oh that I could not be ſtaied but with his flaggons; This my Jeſus the chiefeſt of ten thouſand hath told me, p. 90that he that ſaw thee, ſaw the Father, whereby I underſtand that thou art juſt as he was, as pitifull, as gracious, as willing to forgive, as ſweet and as eaſie to be entreated as my good Saviour; and in all the things and paſſages that thy Word hath made known to us of him, I reade not of one of all that came to him, not one poor ſoul that ever beg'd any grace or any pardon, nor never did any come to be healed of any bodily diſeaſe in vain; Lord, thou art as he was, Lord Jeſus thou art as thou waſt, thy being in heaven makes thee not leſſe like thy Father, or thy ſelf; Bleſſed God, I do beſeech thee, I do beſeech thee to give me to give me thy poor hard-hearted Servant a ſoft heart; Lord Jeſus I beſeech thee (thou ſeeſt mine hard my poor heart deſire as p. 91imperfectly as coldly) to make Interceſſion for me, me, for whom thou haſt paid a dear price, as one that hath been ſo long from his Friend, that he can hardly call to remembrance what countenance he hath, So I, poor I, that cannot chuſe but pity the ſad condition of mine own heart, which though it doth not unceſſantly and importunately deſire grace as it ſhould, yet methinks it is a ſad thing to ſee it in ſuch a careleſſe temper, I am ſuch a ſtranger to thee that I have much a do to make one thought of thy ſweet love and excellencies that may affect my heart, and bring the ſweet apprehenſions of thee to remembrance. Thy tender mercies and former reliſhes of thy goodneſs are to me like the ſhadow of death, they are as Chriſt walking upon the waters, p. 92they terrifie me; Lord let me weep thee to me again; Oh my God I am undone, undone, undone a poor undone creature; Thoſe in deſertion are in a thouſand times better condition then I am, they want the comforts, but then indeed they have the graces of the Spirit, but is not my poor ſoul that wants both in a ſad condition, that can ſit down and fall aſleep when I ſhould ſeek my Saviour? I have a ſoul of ſuch a temper as makes me wonder at my ſelf, as in the Spring, and ſometimes there will come a cloud that will ſeem to overſpread the Heavens, and yet on the ſudden all will be blown over, and the day ſo fair that there will not be a cloud to be ſeen; So am I, ſometimes my heart is full of ſorrow, and mine eyes full of tears, and p. 93yet upon the ſuddain my heart loſeth that ſweet ſad temper, and all is blown over, and not a cloud appears, and theſe clouds of grief are not diſperſed with the comforts and joys of thy Spirit, but with worldly buſineſſe or company; when I do grieve for my ſins, carnal grief bears a ſhare in it, and carnal joy aboliſheth it.

Meditat. VIII.

To confeſſe my ſinnes without any ſenſe of them, without any hatred of them, to pray for grace, and not to be ſenſible of the neceſſity or excellency of it, to come to thine Ordinances without reaping any good from them, to think and meditate of thee, and neither admire nor love thee, nor long and delight to be in thy company, p. 94to what purpoſe are theſe things? thou deſireſt of us our hearts, and not our works, words, or thoughts, without that: Ah my Lord and my God, ſhall all be in vain, and wilt thou caſt me off for ever? Doſt thou hate my ſoul, and am I an abomination unto thee? Muſt I be ſhut out for ever, and never enjoy the ſweetneſſe of thy preſence? Thou wilt not O my God, thou wilt not, thou canſt not O my God, thou canſt not, for thou haſt made a Covenant with me, and I claim that Covenant, for I have not any thing in the world beſides thy Covenant in the Lord Jeſus Chriſt, that I can ſo much as have the leaſt hope that will do me any good: If the Lord Jeſus Chriſt did not ſit at thy right hand to make Interceſſion for me, my ſins p. 95continually, daily, hourly clamoring againſt me, and accuſing of me, muſt needs prevail againſt me. Alas my heart is far from that ſpiritual frame that thou requireſt, for the miſeries that ſinne brings are more troubleſome and heavy to me then the filthineſs that is in ſinne; Thy bleſſings are more lovely in our eyes then thy ſelf; Every duty hardens me in my formality; Lord, thou art the Father of mercies, oh have mercy upon me, for my caſe is not the common caſe of thy people, but few, few of many may be found whoſe ſoul is like my poor ſoul, for where is there any that can ſay ſo, and yet be ſo little affected as I am?

Meditat. IX.

Mine hopes are falſe, and my p. 96fears are true, the deadlieſt poyſons do not make me ſick, nor the excellenteſt cordials do not comfort me; I am not ſick of ſinne, nor doth the Sacrament of the body and bloud of Chriſt fill me with joy, nay, rather doth it not fill me with griefs and fears? If my ſears and griefs were not carnall, would they were more, but my carnall joys eat out my ſpirituall grief, and my joys alſo: I am as it were like Abſalom, I hang between heaven and earth, I would fain have heaven, and yet would not part with earth: Oh my Lord Jeſus Chriſt, art thou of no more excellency in mine eyes? Doth thy love to me raiſe up no more love in me then to ſtand deliberating what to do, when thou ſtandeſt with ſtretched out arms to receive me to thy boſome? Canſt p. 97thou love one that loves thee ſo little as I do? Thou didſt love me when I loved thee not at all: Why ſitteſt thou ſo ſad O my ſoul? Go caſt thy ſelf into the armes and boſome of the Lord Jeſus Chriſt, there lie and hear the beatings of his heart toward thee, and it may be thou maiſt be warmed with the heat of his love; Chriſt pours out the boyling ſtreams of his heart-bloud upon thy poor ſoul, for his heart boyled in love towards thee, and can thine heart ſtill be frozen? Oh Infidelity thou art the poyſon of my ſoul, thou with thy cold blaſts haſt frozen mine heart, and keepſt it ſo; Lord give me faith, or elſe all thy mercies are in vain, Thy love is and hath been too great for me to beleeve: Lord, thou that loveſt me ſo much as to p. 98give me Chriſt, oh love me ſo much as to give me faith to beleeve it; There remains in mine heart no more then the firſt ſpark of thy love, and the firſt principle of grace that thou didſt put into my ſoul when thou didſt regenerate me; All the flames are gone out that were once kindled in me; All the fruit, and leaves, and boughs are ſtript from me, there are all things to do beſide bare regeneration, I am as an arm cut off, ſo that it hangs only by a little skin, a ſlender thread; Lord, this is my hope, that my corruptions and Satan that have quenched theſe flames that I have had, ſhall never be able to quench this ſpark; But alas that is a poor comfort, that this is all my comfort, that I ſhall not loſe heaven, though it be a thouſand times too great a p. 99comfort for ſuch a wretched ſinner as I am, to have: Is it nothing to loſe all my comforts, all my duties, all my ſweet communion with thee, or at leaſt only ſo much of theſe remains as to keep me from being utterly caſt off; For one that had fared deliciouſly every day to come to have no more bread then to keep life and ſoul together, though he dies not, yet he hath a miſerable life: Thus, thus, and far worſe it is with me.

Meditat. X.

If I ſtood clear before thee O my God, of thoſe many ſins, of ſenceleſneſſe under judgements, fruitleſneſſe under Ordinances, miſpending of time, want of watchfulneſſe of mien own waies, and for the appearing of the Lord p. 100Jeſus Chriſt; Only my ſinnes of unkindeneſſe to the Lord Jeſus Chriſt, were enough to cauſe thee to take away thy mercies from me; I have heard and read the great myſtery of my Redemption, of his being ſcourged, and crowned, and nailed, of his bleeding and dying for me, of his great love, and ſuch things, that if a Friend of this world had done or ſuffered the thouſandth part ſo much, his memory would have been precious.

Meditat. XI.

Ah my dear God, thou haſt been my God, and therefore thou art my God, how little can my ſoul know by any thing that I now either do or feel? I am fain to fetch evidences and ſigns from actions p. 101done many years ſince: My Praiers and other holy duties were matter of more joy when I did them then now, they have terrour in them; Now I think I do them not as heretofore: I have been aſſiſted by thy grace, oh my loſt joys and my loſt duties, where I ſhall finde you I know not, the joys I had formerly, and the great zeal of mine heart made me pray, but now not out of feeling and zeal, but for zeal and joy, and I go from praier with a ſad heart and an hard heart; My praiers come neither from my heart nor reach to my heart: Oh my Lord Jeſus Chriſt where are thy motions and the joys of thy Spirit to work thine own work in me? why do I walk in this valley of tears not only without comfort but without grace, I do even ſtand aſtoniſht p. 102at my ſelf to ſee the vaſt difference between my ſelf now and when I was thine; When the Candle of the Almighty ſhone upon my ſoul, and the Spirit of my God dwelt in me, then ſorrow and weeping flew away: Alas! I now have ſcarce any thing left me but carnal tears, and one great cauſe of my grief and part of my miſery is, that I can weep no more, ſometimes indeed tears ſtand in mine eyes when I conſider theſe things; Lord give me faith, O give me faith, I feel a deal of Atheiſm in mine heart; Mine heart is ſo full of corruption, of all kinde, and all degrees, that I can feel no bottome of this ſtinking ditch; Mine Imaginations is divers times a through-fare for Satans blaſphemous thoughts, which my ſoul abhors, I may even ſit p. 103down and ſpend the remainder of my wicked life in weeping, and wailing, and wringing of my hands, and tearing off the hairs of my head; My ſad ſoul may ſay to my God, Art thou quite gone from me, have all my hopes of thee been as dreams and empty ſhadows unto me, and haſt thou ſhown me ſo much of heaven, and wilt thou make hell more terrible and bitter to me? Shall thy ſweet mercies be turned into the gall of Aſpes to me, not only to be bitter but deadly? I have cauſe, I have cauſe Lord, to mingle my drink with my tears, to water my couch with weeping: Thou art too great a God to be dallied withall, and what do I elſe? As our deareſt Friends, though we never ſo much delighted in their company while they were living, yet we are afraid p. 104to be alone with them, they are a terronr to us after the ſouls have left their earthly Tabernacles; So my praiers while they were living praiers were a great comfort to my poor ſoul, but now my praiers are without life, and my ſupplications are dead, they are a terrour to me, they look gaſhly upon me and I upon them.

Meditat. XII.

My dear God, thouart not moved with words, if we had the tongue of Men and Angels, if we could ſpeak as never man ſpake, if our hearts meant no more then they do, what would our vain words do? I am ever weary of my life becauſe of my corruptions, I can go no where nor do any thing, but my corruptions follow me, p. 105and tire me even out of my patience: O that I could weep over my ſoul, and weep over my praiers to ſee how dead they are, which way to turn I know not, I have praied a thouſand times for another heart, and yet mine heart is as hard as a ſtone, and ſo full of hypocriſie, that there is a world of hypocriſie in my confeſſions of hypocriſie: Lord, ſhall I caſt away my confidence, and lay down my weapons, and put off mine armour, becauſe my corruptions are ſo ſtrong and impetuous, and deaden my very ſoul? But alas what am I weary of? not of my ſinnes, but of the accuſations of my conſcience that will not let me alone; Bleſſed be thy Name that I am troubled that I do not live holily, and yet I will ſtrive to live holily; Lord, mine heart is ertangled in p. 106the ſnares of the world; Bleſſed Saviour, thou which haſt overcome the world deliver me from the cares and love of the world: Alas! what good do my tears do me? Doſt thou bottle up ſuch tears, ſuch puddle water in thy bottles? Let the bowels of thy compaſſion yern within the towards my poor ſoul: It is full of ſin, but my ſinne is my ſorrow, though my ſorrow it ſelf is ſinful, if thou ſtandeſt as a ſtranger to me I muſt give over my ſelf for loſt, then I may ſay, farewell praiers; better to ſay, farewell, then to adde to my former ſins a greater guilt by defiling my praiers that are as the Chariots to carry out my ſoul into the boſome of God; What am I to ſtand againſt corruption or temptations? I am no more able to overcome, p. 107nay, to reſiſt them, then to remove Mountains: I have ſinned away my comforts, and ſinned away my joys, and ſinned away mine hopes, and even my God, if thy mercies be not greater, and what remains for my poor ſoul to do, but to ſit down in ſorrow, and even to mourn until my ſoul be heavy unto death? It had been better for me that I had not been one to ſhew the way to others; Nay but oh my God, that is beſt for me that thou haſt done for me; Bleſſed God do but make me thine

Meditat. XIII.

Alas Oh my ſoul may not I juſtly ſpend the remainder of my daies in ſighing, to perceive my good God, from whoſe ſweet p. 108preſence I have in former times had ſo much grace and comfort, to be ſuch a ſtranger now to men, and what is worſe, mine heart ſo ſenſeleſſe of his abſence! The time hath been when myheart hath almoſt bled within me to think what a miſerable condition I ſhould be in, if ever it ſhould come to paſſe that it ſhould be thus; Lord why doſt thou abſent thy ſelf from my poor ſoul, if I were in a deſertion of comforts I were in a farre better condition, but to be in a deſertion of graces and not to be troubled, is a ſad condition; Me thinks I ſee my ſtock of grace grow weaker and weaker, and more and more to languiſh, as one that is dying the pulſe grows weaker and weaker, until at laſt it be no moee: O Lord what to ſay I do not know, p. 109alas! I cannot but call, and cry, and pray, Lord if ever thou wilt take pity upon a poor miſerable ſpeechleſſe ſinner; Lord, If thou wilt that I may overcome, Lord, I cannot get mine heart to be content to be damned, and indeed ſince then I muſt eternally be ſeparated from thee, I do not deſire to get mine heart to be content, but to ſtruggle againſt it as long as I am able.

Meditat. XIV.

To have Satan and corruption come and beſet me as ſoon as I awake, and to follow me all the day long, and to go to bed with me, and to keep me waking, to have no reſpite, is a ſad condition: When I ſhould awake with my God, my good God, who kept p. 110me, and watched over me whilſt I ſlept, to have Satan ſtand ready, and hold his temptations before mine eyes which way ſoever I look, and to prevail ſo far with me, as at laſt to make me ſcarce to hate the ſin he tempts me to, I feel in my ſpiritual part an utter abhorring of the ſinne, I would give ten thouſand worlds rather then commit the ſinne, and yet I have much ado to refrain; alas, can my ſecure ſoul live?

Meditat. XV.

I am in ſuch a wretched temper as to be willing to offend my God, and when I go about to grieve, ſorrow is far from me; nay, the grief which ſometimes I feel, is not ſtrong enough to conquer the temptation, when tears ſtand p. 111in mine eyes to conſider the miſerable condition of my ſoul in being ſo prone to ſin, the temptation encreaſeth; To hear one of thy ſervants groaning under thy hand, and then to ſtand parlying with temptation, and not rather be afraid that the ſame affliction, &c. Lord, I am in thy hand, for affliction lay what thou wilt upon me, I muſt bear it, and I would bear it patiently; nay Lord though this temptation be ſuch an unwelcome gueſt, and I am too weary of it, yet ſo thou wilt give me grace to overcome my impatience, I am content Lord as much as I can; but alas my God to have Satan my companion in ſtead of my God, I hope will never be pleaſing to me.

p. 112Meditat. XVI.

Lord, what my vain heart thinks of thee it matters not, except it be to diſcover the wretchedneſſe of it, thou haſt more glorious creatures to praiſe thee, my praiſes and my thoughts of thee are ſo low and ſo unworthy of thee, that thou mighteſt forbid me as thou didſt the devils to confeſſe thee, or to ſay any thing of thee: My dear God, if a world would buy it for one ſuch ſight of thee as might ſo raviſh my ſoul, that I might never more ſee any beauty, or taſte any ſweetneſſe in any thing but in thee, that I might ſee thee with open face, that I might be transformed into thine image from glory to glory: Lord, thou art ſtill beyond me, the higher my p. 113thoughts are of thee the more thou art beyond me and above me; When my thoughts are beſt my thoughts are loſt in the meditation of thee, as the ſtone that is thrown into the calm Sea, makes greater and greater circles, but can never reach the ſhoar: Lord, I am content I may be loſt in my ſelf ſo I may finde thee; Lord, though there were none but thou and I in the world, I had enough, nay, though there were none but thou and I in heaven, I had enough; Though I have nothing to ſay to thee but what I have ſaid a thouſand times, Thou art my God, my Saviour, my all, thou art he whom my ſoul loveth, yet though I have nothing elſe to ſay, nor can ſay there is any new relliſh, yet I delight to be alone with thee, nay, though thou ſaiſt nothing p. 114to my poor ſoul but what I have heard from thee, yet let me ſtill be in thy company, I had rather weep and mourn for mine offending thee, then enjoy all delights in the world; Thoſe ſalt waters are more precious then their wine.

Meditat. XVII.

Lord, I beſeech thee to order all mine affairs by thy wiſedom, thou knoweſt what afflictions are needfull for me; I mnrmure oftentimes when thou afflicteſt me, although I have again and again deſired thee to direct all things that belong unto me: but bleſſed God let not my murmurings ſo provoke thee as to leave me to mine own ſelf; Give me not what I deſire but what I want, my p. 115judgement in judging what is good or bad for me is little worth, for many times I have judged ſuch a thing to be for my hurt, yet it hath proved much for my good, and ſo on the contrary, but then I have by experience found it evidently for my good, when I have yeelded my ſelf wholly to be guided by thee, all things Lord make me know my ſelf; I am a poor creature with tears in mine eyes, and hypocriſie in my heart.

Meditat. XVIII.

Lord, It fares with me as it ſares with one that hath been a long time from his friend, he hath many things to tell him of, ſeverall particulars that befell him ſince their laſt being together, ſo Lord p. 116I have been a ſtranger to thee, and I have much to ſay to thee, much have I ſuffered from mine own corruptions, and little have I done; I have a heart will let me do nothing for thee; Lord, I am but a childe, pardon my bablings; I have none to make my complaint to, no not one; Thou haſt cauſed me to live in Meſech, and to have mine habitation in the Tents of Kedar, and if thou Lord wilt ſupply the want of thoſe Chriſtian friends I am now deprived of, Lord, my heart is ſo deceitfull that I have much ado to know whether I ever was or am yet thine; I know Lord how I have ſpent daies, ſometimes whole weeks together in prayer, and meditation, and reading devotionary Books to prepare my ſelf for the Communion, p. 117and yet then I had groſſe failings, for there was a world of covetouſneſſe in me, and thirſting after humane learning exceedingly, and little prizing the knowledge of Chriſt in my Sermons, I did little aim at thy glory, but to preach my ſelf; Now in theſe things I finde ſome healings, but my duties are fewer, and now there is far more wanting in compariſon of what I ſhould be, then was then, of what I am now; Nay Lord, thou only knoweſt I ſhall be a gainer, but alas! If I now I am alone ſhall have no more fire of thy love then I had when I lived in the midſt of glowing coals of devotion, how can I but go out now ſince I had much ado to burn then? When I think of ſerving thee then my heart is ſo perverſe as to put in a carnall p. 118motive, and ſaith, If thou doſt ſo, then God will bleſſe thee in ſuch or ſuch a temporall bleſſing, and my heart cloſeth with that motive.

Meditat. XIX.

O my God, as thou art my Father, ſo let me know that thy love to me being known by me, may put wheels to my obedience, that now goes ſo heavily, and that it may make mine obedience more pure that now is ſo full of inſufficiency: I am fain to be glad almoſt of any motive to make me ſerve thee, but yet it is my burthen that fear ſhould make me do that which love ſhould make me do, for beſides that ſuch obedience is painfull, that which is worſe it is impure alſo: Alas, I am a ſtranger too much unto thee, and in being p. 119ſo, an enemy to my ſelf; Lord this is the firſt day I have given thee this long while, it doth appear that it is ſo by the poor and weak duties I perform; My poor ſoul is like a poor deſolate Widdow that hath loſt her dear Husband, every one tramples on her, and oppreſſeth her.

Meditat. XX.

Lord, where are thoſe ſweet embraces and manifeſtations of thy love, that thou haſt beſtowed on me in former times? When I have gone unto the treaſury of thy mercies, and fetched any mercy from thence that I wanted: Thou haſt given unto my praiers my dear Brother, who went forth a blaſphemer, or at leaſt a common ſwearer, and came home, I p. 120ſeeking thee for him a convert, after thou gaveſt me his life and the life of my Mother, and indeed Lord, what was it but I had of thee? thou didſt almoſt miraculouſly reſtore one of my Siſters to comfort: But now when I cry and ſhout thou ſhutteſt out my praiers, and art almoſt as if I had never any acquaintance with thee: Lord, I know that the fault is mine own, Indeed Lord I then was ſcarce ever from thee, or out of thy thoughts: For were I but as I have been, ſo often kept daies of humbling before thee; It could not be that my duties ſhould be ſuch as they are, but Lord thou ſeeſt the tears theſe thoughts cauſe me to ſhed, they are thine, do thou encreaſe them, but take away this dulneſſe and deadneſſe of heart that is the juſt reaſon p. 121why I ſhed them, and if thou ſhalt once purifie and inflame mine heart by faith and love, I ſhall ſhed more tears for my wandring thoughts in praier, then now I do for all the abominations I am guilty of; Alas Lord, the ordinary daies of thy Saints are farre more holy then the daies I ſet apart for ſpeciall ſervice of thee; And their thoughts in the midſt of their worldly buſineſſes, are more devout and zealous then my thoughts in my prayers, were alwaies with thee; I ſcarce did any thing though almoſt of never ſo ſmall moment, but the reaſon why I did it this or that way, was becauſe it was ſome way or other more for thy glory: Lord, It is not thy fault, for thou doſt wait to ſhew mercy, whether my wretched heart will conſent to it or p. 122no: This I do ſet down as an infallible trurh, and let all the world give thee the glory of it, All thy waies are holy, juſt, and good, and thou doſt ſtretch out thine arms to embrace us, it is our fault that we do not run into thy boſome, the infidelity and other corruptions that are in our boſomes make us think that thou art not willing to receive us, and ſo we not coming we want that experimentall knowledge of thee that would (if we had it) make us not ſo timorous of comng to thee as we are.

Meditat. XXI.

Before I begin to write, I know I have more cauſe to write in bloud or tears then in ink; Can a Mother forget her childe? It is not, Can a childe forget the Mother? p. 123nor is it Can a Mother her childe if the childe forget her? or Can there be any caſe wherein the Mother can forget her childe? Lord, do thoo awaken mine heart for it is aſleep; Lord, do thou raiſe mine heart for it is dead; Do thou thaw mine heart for it is frozen; Lord, thou art that celeſtial fire that enflames all thine Angels with love, I have no way but to come before thy preſence in hope that at the laſt I ſhall be thawed if not inflamed, thou wilt not put out the ſmoaking ſnuffe of a candle, I am ſuch an one enlightned and enflamed, though now I ſend forth nothing but an unſavoury ſtanch; What, ſhall I ſtand imperfect as I am thus ſpeaking, what I may and what I have to ſay to my God, Lord, thou haſt commanded in thy Word that if an p. 124adulterer defile a woman, and ſhe cry not out, then ſhe ſhall be put to death; Lord, infidelity, hypocriſie, and vain-glory, are come to undoe me, to defile my ſoul, and they have almoſt perſwaded my ſoul not to cry out: to be raviſht is a great affliction, but to embrace the adulterer is an abomination: If I cry to men for ſuccour, if I go to Ordinances, alas the adulterer is a ſtrong man, he hath locked the doors of my ſoul, and none can break them open but thou only: Lord, doe not ſtand knocking at the door of my heart, for the ſtrong man will not, and I am kept ſo faſt by my corruptions, I cannot come to let thee in; Lord, break open the doors, and come in to help me before I am utterly undone, as it was with the Levites Concubine, p. 125ſo will it be with my poor ſoul, corruption and corruption, and ſin after ſin, will ſo abuſe her, that ſhe will be at laſt dead: Alas! methinks I look upon my poor ſoul as one looks upon a Ship toſſed among rocks in the Seas, one ſees it, and pities it, but knows not how to help it; there comes a wave, and carries it with violence among the midſt of the rocks, and makes it reel and ſtagger like a drunken man, and then all in the Ship are fain to pump and toil to ſave their lives, at laſt it is daſht in peeces, and all fain to get upon broke peeces of the Ship to ſwim to the ſhore, if it may be: my ſoul is even labouring for life; Lord, what wilt thou do, wilt thou be as a man aſtoniſht, and as a mighty man that cannot help? then I am undone, then I may ſay p. 126if thou wilt not, then farewell all my duties, farewell all my graces, and all my comforts which I have had in the dear embraces of my God: Ah muſt I not pray but with my tongue? Muſt I have no more comforts but what poor creatures can give me? Lord, if I muſt periſh let me periſh in thy way, let me convert many unto thee; Though I know my damnation ſhall be greater if I periſh for living ſo contrary to mine own doctrine: Lord I am a poor miſerable man and a more miſerable Chriſtian, thou art I cannot poſſibly imagine what, but I hope Lord I ſhall know; theſe daies of ignorance and ſin will not alwaies laſt, when my change comes I ſhall no more ſin and repent, and repent and ſin, as I do now: Oh my corruptions I hope one day p. 127I ſhall leave you all in the grave behinde me; The day is coming, when while I am praiſing God you ſhall not come and lie as a talent of lead upon my ſoul; and hinder my flight, come Lord Jeſus, come quickly, Come while my ſoul is filled with joy to think of thy coming; O my God, thou art enough for me, enough, enough, my ſoul can hold no more; Lord I am afraid of the joys ſometimes I have to think of thee, tears for my ſinnes are fitter for me then tears of joy, yet I dare not refuſe them, nay, I cannot if I would, they are ſo ſweet, ſo ſweet; Heaven is but a greater meaſure of them; Lord, thou art enough enough for them that love thee.

p. 128Meditat. XXII.

To ſee a dead man arraied with all the richeſt clothes, ſtill there is more horrour to behold him then delight; So my poor Soul looks gaſhly in all the duties I perform, I have a cold and dead ſoul for all them, and more terrour there is in the deadneſſe then there is comfort in the multitude of them, this I know by experience that one looks upon hell upon whatſoever one looks but up-Chriſt, yet Chriſt is not ſweet unto me, my dear Saviour, to whom I was ſo dear: Lord Jeſus give me a heart that may feel thy ſweetneſſe, I am convinced that thou art ſo, but my poor heart hath not enough taſted the ſweetneſſe of this Truth, that all things p. 129are droſs and dung in compariſon of Chriſt; Lord, here is mine eſtate, mine health, mine life, my liberty, and all that I have, and had I more I would freely give all, give but ſuch a heart as I deſire, and the ſame will I conſecrate unto thee in ſpirituall affections all my daies, now I think thus with my ſelf, When I was moſt deſirous of and addicted to humane learning, it was wonderfull delightfull to me to be inſtructed in ſome new truth, or to have ſome difficult queſtion clearly reſolved; To reade the Mathematicks was wonderfull delightfull, becauſe they prove ſuch ſtrange things, then I have recourſe to the Word of God, and by that I am aſſured that all the treaſures of wiſedom and knowledge are hid in Chriſt, and in his Goſpel, then p. 130further I have recourſe to the experience of the people of God in the Word of God, and in particular to Paul, who being a learned man, yet accounted all things as droſſe and dung in compariſon of Chriſt; I have alſo recourſe to the experience of ſeverall godly Perſons I know, of the abundant ſweetneſſe in Chriſt: I have recourſe to that ſmall experience I have had of the ſweetneſſe and excellency of the knowledge of Chriſt, therefore Lord though I have nott at this preſent the powerful and raviſhing feelings of Chriſts excellency, yet aſſuring my ſelf all theſe waies whereby I fully do aſſent to that truth, that It is life eternal to know thee and Jeſus Chriſt; I do beſeech thee O Lord to give me a fuller knowledge of thee in Chriſt; I p. 131beſeech thee, I beſeech thee Let not mine undervaluing of this knowledge cauſe thee to deny it, I ſhall more value it if I had more of it: Lord, I know if thou ſhouldeſt look in me and my life, to ſee what thou canſt finde to hinder the granting of this Requeſt, thou maiſt finde enough; nay, I that know my ſelf not ſo well as thou doſt, know enough and enough, nay, I know nothing to move thee in my ſelf, except ſomething I have had from thee, thoſe things I have ſo abuſed that I know they may be ſwift witneſſes againſt me: b…t Lord, if thou ſhouldſt give me this knowledge of them, I might doe great things for thee; Lord hear me: Alas Lord my deſires to know Chriſt do even die, while I am praying to know him; Alas Lord p. 132ſuch an heart as I have is fit for none but thee, for none in the world can tell what to do with it but thou only; It is paſt the skill of all in heaven and earth but thee, it is not in the power of Ordinances and duties if thou ſhould not ſet in.

I would pity the ſoul of my greateſt Enemy if I ſhould ſee it in ſuch continual ſtorms and troubles as are in mine, there are new corruptions appear, ſuch as I may term them nothing ſo fitly as ſparks of the fire of hell, to have ones heart riſe againſt God, when the continual deſire of ones ſoul and prayer is that one might be inflamed with the love of God; Lord, while I am working my heart to a ſerious thought of thee, endeavouring to have mine heart full of admiration of thee and affiance in thee, before I pray unto p. 133thee, that if it may be my praiers may be as an arrow-drawn up to the head, but when I go about to pray and ſend up my Petitions, my thoughts of thy glory and goodneſſe ſlack, and it fares with me oh my Soul as ſometimes it doth with one that is tying knots, when one hath pulled the firſt very hard, yet it ſlacks before one can tye the ſecond; If I kept but a ſtrict communion with thee, and did as thou deſireſt (Lord why ſhouldeſt thou deſire) us alwaies to be with thee, how ſhould we be acquainted with thee farre more then we are, and if we knew thee more how ſhould we love thee more; and if we loved thee more how ſhould we know thee more? for thou revealeſt thy ſelf to them that love thee; Alas O my Soul, why p. 134ſhould not we alwaies be with God, ſince he gives us leave; how gracious art thou to invite ſuch ſinners as we are to come to thee! For thee to waſh our ſouls clean with the immaculate bloud of the Lord Jeſus Chriſt; Alas Lord I am mine own enemy, nay, I ſee it and know it, and it cannot be otherwiſe: Lord, I am ſo tired out with my corruptions, that I am even weary of my life, and almoſt weary of my duties; Lord even at this preſent, how when my ſoul was ſo troubled that mine eyes were ready to weep, there comes a thought of a poor worldly buſineſſe into my ſoul, and my thoughts and ſorrows for heavenly matters are gone.

p. 135Meditat. XXIII.

O my God, how coldly without love, how doubtingly without faith do I call thee my God! Lord how careleſſe am I in thy ſervice? how very careleſſe? how long Lord, holy and true, ſhall I be thus laden with corruptions? Nay, which is my greateſt miſery, I am not but very little ſenſible of my own vileneſſe, that makes me that I do not hunger after righteouſneſſe. Bleſſed Lord, I do humbly proſtrate my ſoul before thee, and do with all the weak power of my ſoul importune thee by all the merits of my dear Saviour pray thee to look upon me in mercy: When the poor wounded man that went from Jeruſalem to Jeriche, lay half dead, p. 136and ſpeechleſſe in the way, though he was not ſenſible of his own miſery, yet the good Samaritan was; though his tongue did not, could not call for pity, yet his wounds opened their mouths wide and ſpake aloud to the Samaritan, Though his eyes ſhed no tears, yet his very heart wept bloud at his wounds, and mov'd compaſſion. Like to that poor wounded man am I, ſo weak, ſo ſick, that I am ſcarce ſenſible of mine own deſperate condition; Lord, though my heart be not full of love, it is full of wounds; Lord, thou knoweſt my miſeries, I humbly beſeech thee to pity me, not according to my praiers but according to my wants. Lord, that I do not deſire to ſerve thee, that I do not hunger nor thirſt after righteouſneſſe, it is the greateſt miſery that I have.

p. 137Meditat. XXIV.

Oh how terrible is the thought of death to me, it is not ſo much for want of faith as holineſſe, and indeed I finde that I can never with comfort think on death, but when I have liv'd very holily before, for what will faith in that caſe help me, without holineſſe? for faith without holineſs is not faith but preſumption: Oh how ſweet! how dear! how excellent a thing is holineſſe? Oh how full of peace and joy is my ſoul when I am full of that? and yet Lord how careleſſe am I of thy ſervice? how many times in the day when I might think of thee without any hindrance of my ſtudies, do I chooſe rather to think of vanity? O wean my ſoul O p. 138God from every thing that is not thee. Fill my heart with thy ſelf, dwell in me my dear God, Why do I call thee dear? When I prefer every trifle before thee, O moſt glorious Lord God, whom ten thouſand worlds cannot ſufficiently praiſe nor love, which art thy ſelf, and canſt not be more, nor canſt be leſſe; how eaſie Lord is it for thee to change my heart, mine heart of ſtone for an heart of fleſh; Lord, as long as I have this heart of ſtone, there is no hope that I ſhould ſerve thee with any cheerfulneſſe, or any conſtancy, Lord, hear my praier.

Meditat. XXV.

O bleſſed God, If the way of thy providence be ſuch, that thou wilt not give ſo much grace as to p. 139make me, through the abundance of it, almoſt whether I will or no, to ſerve thee, yet to whom thou doſt give ſo much grace as to deſire more grace, O let not this deſire which is of thy own infuſing be in vain, if there be any thing in the whole world that I deſire more then thy grace, then let me want grace to deſire it any more; Lord, if the reaſon why thou denieſt my praier be, becauſe I do not deſire as I ought, I humbly beſeech thee to grant that I may ask aright; alas my afflictions lie heavier on me then ever they did, and I am more wicked or at leaſt leſſe holy then ever ſince my converſion I was; how little am I affected with any thing that belongs to thy ſervice, nor yet doth it affect me that I am not affected: Lord, if there were p. 140any in heaven or in earth that could help me beſides thee, then conſidering my manifold ſinnes, I ſhould; I but Lord I would not, thy mercies are ſo great, go to any other: Now Lord, now is the time to have mercy upon me; I am like the man that went from Jeruſalem to Jericho, wounded, naked, and half dead, I cannot call for help, O let my wounds move thee to compaſſion; If I cold bewail my ſinful miſery with tears of repentance, I know thou wouldeſt deliver me, but I cannot weep, nay hardly mourn; Oh faint, faint is my grief, and cold is my love; What wilt thou do Lord with one that ſcarcely from his heart deſires to ſerve thee: alas, what canſt thou do for me more or leſſe then to make me deſire to ſerve thee! Accept I muſt, or for p. 141ever be loſt; What a low degree of goodneſſe am I come unto? a Soul full of ſadneſſe, and empty of goodneſſe; To morrow Lord I am to receive thee into my ſoul, thee my bleſſed Saviour, Lord, thou knoweſt I did not uſe to have a heart ſo empty of goodneſſe, when I expected thee to come next day.

Meditat. XXVI.

Lord, now I do reſolve to ſerve thee, and in this particular eſpecially; I will not ſpeak evil of any man what injury ſoever he both me; Now I will ſo watch over my words that I will not offend with my tongue; and that by degrees I may attain ſome perfection herein, I here vow every week between this and the next communion p. 142to keep one day ſo ſtrictly, that I will not, during that day, ſpeak ſo much as one idle word that day, if I do I will give to the poor Lord, how excellent is thy ſervice? ſo pure, ſo ſweet; O that there were ſuch a heart in me that I might for ever ſerve thee.

Meditat. XXVII.

When I reade the ſtory of the Martyrs, I do wiſh that I had lived in thoſe daies that I might alſo die as they did, or methinks I could now willingly lay down my life rather then yeeld to the abominable Idolatry, and ſuperſtitions of the Sea of Rome; but when I ſearch and try my heart, I much fear that the reaſon of this my deſire is, becauſe I think it eaſier to lay down my life for Chriſts p. 143ſake, then for his ſake to overcome my corruptions; for it being but one act, though it hath more pain, yet being but of ſmall continuance, it is leſſe trouble, then all my life long to fight againſt ſin; and thus I do ill even in my beſt wiſhes, in divers reſpects; for I choſe Martyrdome, not becauſe thereby I might more honour God, but that I might the ſooner and eaſier come to heaven; And again, that I think I might content my ſelf though I did not ſo much hate corruption, If I died a Martyr all would be well; whereas Though I give my body to be burnt, and have not charity, it would profit me nothing, and to love God it is impoſſible for him that doth not hate ſinne, and fight againſt his corruptions; Alas O my ſoul, how weary are p. 144we of our ſpiritual fight, and we would fain finde ſome other way to heaven then by the continuance of it; O that I were dead to the world and lived to God, how vain is the world? yet while we know ſomething better we ſhall not think ſo; We talk much of the vanity of the world, but who beleeves that the world is vanity and vexation of ſpirit? Or who is ſenſible of this truth? Or if he were ſenſible of it, and ſometimes affected with it, yet it ſoon vaniſheth, and we do not live accordingly; How much eaſier is it to ſpeak like an Angel then live like a Saint!

Meditat. XXVIII.

Lord that thou wouldſt do it for me, take my ſoul and my body, p. 145what ſhall I do with them any longer? I govern them ſo ill, and indeed am ſo unable to govern them that they govern me; Lord, if thou ſhalt condemn me at the laſt day, I do now juſtifie thee, and teſtifie to all the world that thou art juſt, though then (if ſuch a time ſhall come) I ſhall blaſpheme thee; My dear God, I have yet a ſpark of thy love, I will not leave that ſmall hold of thee for ten thouſand worlds; I know Lord there is no dallying with thee: What if I ſpoke with the tongue, and writ with the pen of men and Angels? it is nothing; Lord take a poor ſoul at his word, Lord I am thine, and do now give my ſelf and ten thouſand worlds if I had them to thee; yet when thou doſt take from me ſome poor part of my eſtate, I murmure; p. 145Alas, I have a poor weak heart.

Meditat. XXIX.

Lord my knowledge of thee is but ſmall, and that which is is but little ſpirituall or experimentall; To know thee by what others write and ſay of thee, is ſweet to them that can ſet their ſeal to it from their own experience; Lord what is it that hath kept me ſo long from thee, or kept thee ſo long from me? I know I have been wanting to thee and to my ſelf; Lord take my heart, I have too much love for any beſides thee; though I have too little for thee: Oh how ſweet are the thoughts of thee, and would be ſweeter, if I thought oftner, and longer, and more attentively of thee: Alas, I am almoſt grown p. 146out of acquaintance with thee; I do not perceive my corruptions in any thing more then in this, that though to think of thee be a thing ſo eaſie and ſo profitable, yet I think ſo ſeldome: My dear God, deliver me from the buſineſſe of the world; Suits of Law and ſuch things they undoe me, they take up my thoughts that I cannot be rid of them; I feel upon me the curſe which thou threatneſt upon the people of Iſrael, If they would not ſerve thee with joy, they ſhould ſerve ſtrangers with a great deal of hardſhip: I was well while I was with thee, then I had my Songs in the night, now my daies are turned into the ſhadow of death: Lord, draw me, draw me, make the cords of thy love ſtronger, or rather then I ſhould periſh make the cords of thine afflictions p. 148ſtronger, and if I murmure ſcourge me while I leave murmuring; How true do I finde that ſaying, He that injures forgives not; My wickedneſſe I have committed againſt thee makes me not able to beleeve almoſt that thou art or canſt be reconciled unto me: When I ſhould do more for thee and leſſe againſt thee, I ſhall eaſilier beleeve thy loves, or rather when thy ſpirit ſhall ſhed abroad thy love in my heart; I ſhall know thou loveſt me, I ſigh and mourn, and weep over my poor ſoul, but cannot help it: Dear Lord, Let my tears prevail with thee; Pity, Pity, have Pity upon a poor languiſhing ſoul that is even gaſping out its laſt breath; It grieves me to ſee what a ſad condition I am in, I am not yet in hell, and by thy mercy I may p. 149never come thither, but I am running headlong thither; Wo is me that I am conſtrained to live in Meſech, and to have my habitation in the Tents of Kedar.

Meditat. XXX.

Lord, I pray for mercies, and when I have them, to ſee the unſuitableneſſe of my ſpirit to them, and mine unthankfulneſſe for them, brings more ſadneſſe upon me then to want them; All the things I begged of thee for temporall mercies, both in carrying me forth and bringing me home, and concerning my buſineſſe I went about, not finding things in ſuch a ſad condition at home, yet my heart is the ſame ſtill, as hard, and as ſtony, not willing to yeeld it ſelf and all up to thee, as if I p. 149were more able to order matters then thou. Now my heart is ſubject to murmure that it is ſo hard when it ſhould mourn: Lord, thou haſt done enough to juſtifie thy love and thy tender compaſſions to me, if thou ſhouldeſt never do more, and not only thy juſtice could not be blamed, but not thy mercy: My dear God, let me not die in thine arms of love, except I muſt die, and then let me die in thine arms.

Meditat. XXXI.

Accept of my poor praiers, and when at the laſt day, when the ſecrets of all hearts ſhall be known, the hypocriſie and coldneſs of my deſires ſhall be known, and thy goodneſſe ſhall be admired in hearing ſuch praiers as mine p. 150are: For the light of thy countenance to ſhine upon, and the breathings of thy Spirit to blow upon a garden of Spices, is not ſo much for the advancement of thy free-grace, as for thee to ſhine upon, and thy Spirit to breathe upon ſuch a dunghill as I am, that ſends forth ſuch noiſome ſavours as I do: Lord, if thou wilt be my God I have a body and a ſoul, I will give thee them; 'Tis true, they are thine already, but alas, if I had any thing to give that were not thine, I would; but I have not.

Meditat. XXXII.

Lord, I wait to ſee the day of my ſalvation, and the hour when thou wilt ſhew me thy loves, and when I ſhall lie in thy boſome and p. 152arms, and hear the beatings of thy heart in love, and the ſoundings of thy bowels towards me, and know thine everlaſting thoughts of love to me, when thou ſhalt ſeal the pardon of my ſinnes to me, and make me reade the counterpain of the Covenant of love between thee and me, which thou reſerveſt in heaven, and is fair and not blotted as mine is, and when ſhall the day of the love and joys of my eſpouſals return, and my thoughts be ſwallowed up in love; Lord, why ſhouldſt thou withhold thy love, the manifeſtations of thy love: Can thy love love to be concealed from thy Beloved? I will wait for the diſcoveries of thy love, I am loth to do any thing before thou comeſt whom my ſoul loveth, for fear thou ſhouldeſt come when I p. 153am not looking for thee, and thou eſcapeſt me. I look every praier to ſee thee come leaping on the mountains and skipping upon the hils as a Row or an Hinde; But I ſee thee not, why doſt thou put a ſpark of love into my heart; If thou wilt leave me, why didſt thou caſt thy mantle upon me, and when I follow after thee, ſay, what haſt thou done? thy loves are better then wine, ſweeter then honey, even more to be deſired then life it ſelf; Lord, if the ſmall ſparks and reliſhes of thy love be ſo ſweet to me, what will the feeding on this heavenly manna be? If a drop of thy love be ſo ſweet, what will the overflowings be? If thy ſmiles bring ſo much joy, what will thy embraces do? Lord, I long till I am undone with thy love; All my carnall and worldly p. 153joys undone. Lord, it is not my unworthineſſe that ſhould hinder me, nor will hinder thee from beſtowing; Lord help my unbelief; Well Lord, if I muſt walk in darkneſſe and ſee no light, yet give me thy grace that I may ſtay my ſelf upon thee my God; my life is but ſhort, and when the hour of my departure ſhall come, then I ſhall enjoy him whom my ſoul loveth, and know as I am known; then I ſhall forget the ſorrows, pains, and throws of my travell, for the joy that ſhall be revealed. My Bride ſaith come, and the Spirit ſaith Come, Come Lord Jeſus, Come quickly.

p. 154Meditat. XXXIII.

I wait for the appearing of the Lord Jeſus Chriſt, if thy love be as fire in ſtraw, or ſuch like matter, lie ſmoaking, and makes ones eyes weep while one ſtrives to finde the fire; At laſt it being able to hold no longer breaks forth into a great flame; and the longer it is before it diſcovers it ſelf, the greater is the flame and light, when they do break forth: Lord, whileſt I am looking for thy love, thou makeſt me weary, let the length of thy ſtay be made up by the fulneſſe of thy preſence, and greatneſſe of thy manifeſtations when thou comeſt; I ſeek thee in my praiers, and I ſay, O where art thou whom my ſoul loveth, and yet thou ſendeſt me away p. 156weeping and mourning: I ſeek on my bed, when I awake in the night, but I finde thee not; I ſpeak with thoſe which have found thee, and they tell me, nay, I know it by thy Word, that thou art near to every ſoul that ſeeks thee; and when a poor ſoul cries thou wilt anſwer it, then I multiply my praiers, and call lowder, and yet my praiers are as the winde that paſſeth away, and returns no more; O my Lord and my God, thy love was ſtrong enough to make thee ſuffer, and thou didſt die that thou mighteſt make known and commend thy love unto the Sonnes of men, and now thou haſt done all this to manifeſt thy love, and wilt thou hide it from me? Creature-love hath wrought ſtrange things in me, I have never been weary of their p. 157diſcourſes and humane learning, how hath it made me raviſht with ſome learned ſaying! and if thou wouldeſt diſcover thy love, and ſhed that abroad in my heart, certainly it would work wonders! For the Creatures flames of love are but as a blaze that ſtraw makes, but is ſoon out, it hath not ſubſtance enough to nouriſh and maintain what it begets; For Creature-Excellencies are not ſtrong enough to keep up the delight we take in them, but thou Lord art love, and thou art ſuch a treaſure of excellencies that the poor ſoul makes new diſcoveries of thoſe treaſures every day. To all Eternity thou art enough to keep alive and in full ſtrength all the love, and joys, and praiſes of Saints and Angels. Lord, thou art enough to anſwer thine own love, p. 157but what am I that I ſhould ſpeak of thee? thou art ſo glorious that I am afraid to ſpeak of thee!

Meditat. XXXIV.

Lord I call, and thou doſt not anſwer, I am even tired out if thou doſt not ſupport, I ſink under the burthen, I long and look to ſee thy beauty, but I cannot behold nor perceive one glimpſe: that thou art excellent, I ſee by the eye of faith, but thine excellencies do not affect me: All my praiers are turned into this, Lord ſhew me Chriſt, and ſhew me him whom my ſoul loveth, for I have heard of him, and the fame of his excellencies have come unto me, yet mine eyes have not ſeen him; I think with my ſelf, Surely Chriſt manifeſting himſelf, and to be p. 158filled with all the fulneſſe of God, and to have a converſation in heaven, muſt needs ſignifie more then ever I have experienced in my ſelf; For ſuch poor things as I have found wrought in my ſoul cannot fill up thoſe expreſſions. Then I hear of thoſe whoſe lives are ſpiritual and Chriſt-like, not glorious in outward mortifications; Thou art blameleſſe that way ſpeaking of ſuch things which God hath wrought for them and in them, which I have not found, but are the very ſame things which are in my view, and I follow after to attain but cannot: Then from their relation of the Lords dealings with them, I perceive that God did humble them more before he did diſcover himſelf unto them then ever he hath as yet humbled me, ſo that I finde p. 160no reſt day nor night in my ſpirit, and yet though I am thus reſtleſſe in ſeeking after ſomething which I cannot know what it is I ſeek for, I cannot diſcern any true, ſincere, conſtant love to Chriſt. He neither lets me know that he loves me, nor that I love him, ſo that I ſtand amazed, and know not what to do, and ſtill by the help of God I will not ceaſe to cry and call upon him for whom my ſoul I doubt not but would love, if he diſcover his beauties and love unto me, and work them on my heart: I ſeek for one, who I cannot tell who he is before I finde him, then I ſhall know and ſhall tell to all who he is, and ſet forth his excellencies, though they ſhal as little underſtand me as I do them who declare the things that God hath wrought for them:

p. 161Meditat. XXXV.

There is not ſuch an one in the world as I am that I know, Publicans and harlots, I juſtifie them; I, in the midſt of means, of Ordinances and mercies, in the midſt of the flames of love, nay, when thou laiedſt on me that affliction that is now freſh bleeding in mine eyes, or rather deſpiſed and forgotten, I ſhould have learnt obedience by things I ſuffered, and I have done as if I were to learn to ſinne by them; Thou haſt chaſtiſed me with rods, and I have put the ſting of ſinne into them, and have made them ſcorpions; Thou ſendeſt them for Antidotes, and I have turned them into poyſon; Lord, teach me what it is wherein thou art ſo offended, to leave me p. 161thus: Lord, I beleeve thou haſt pardoned me, but ſmall is my comfort, when thou pardoneſt ſinne, but ſubdueſt it not.

Meditat. XXXVI.

Lord, I do ſo evidently finde my ſelf unable to judge of truths, or to reſiſt temptations, that I almoſt, nay altogether lie at the mercy of every temptation, and to be carried about with the winde of every vain doctrine, if thou doſt not ſtand by me, what ſhould I tell thee the ſecret puddle of my heart? I am weary of the ſtench and filthineſſe of it; there is not a prayer but they meet me at it, and lie as a talent of lead upon me; If mine heart were all on fire with thy love, theſe things could not be: I ſometimes have p. 162thoughts riſing in my heart that are wicked, proud, and fooliſh thoughts; I begin to be offended, that I begging for the manifeſtations of thy love, yet have them not; but thoſe thoughts no ſooner begin to ariſe, but I conſider What am I that thou ſhouldeſt give me thy loves, and how can I expect the manifeſtations of thy love, when I will not give thee my loves, but let them run waſte upon the creature? How many times do I chooſe to do any thing rather then ſpend my time in Meditation and Prayer, nay to do nothing and be idle; For although thou loveſt us firſt, yet thou doſt not uſually diſcover thy thoughts of love to a ſoul, before ſhe hath made over her love and her felf unto thee; then I think thou canſt by the power of thy p. 164Spirit bring in my heart, my ſoul, and my love, and that uſually ere thou doſt raviſh the ſoul with the diſcoveries of thy love: this I know, and let all the world know it, that whatſoever wicked thoughts ariſe in my weak heart, which I cannot anſwer, I know that all thy waies are holy, juſt, and good; Lord, what ſhall I give for the ſheddings abroad of love in my heart? that which ſhould be given for it, were it at the utmoſt parts of the world, I could fetch it thence, But Lord, the price of it is already paid, 'tis near unto thee, even at thy right hand, O thou moſt High, he hath paid for this mercy by his bloud long ago; and my praiers thou requireſt, not as a price: Lord, fill me with theſe ſpiritual ſupplications, that I may give thee no reſt, nor p. 165take any reſt my ſelf until I have found him whom my ſoul loveth; Come Lord Jeſus, come quickly.

Meditat. XXXVII.

O Lord beat me and drive me with ſtorms and tempeſts, I am come unto thee like the Prodigall Son, for all but that which moſt of all I ſhould have, a ſpiritual ſorrow, ragged, and tatter'd, and undone; My ſins and miſery are like his, not my ſorrow; For me to ſee my ſelf languiſhing, my graces daily grow weaker, my love colder, and even almoſt to be ſpeechleſſe in praier; Alas, the ſorrow that I have is rather bewailing my miſery then my ſinne; I know not what it is Lord but thou doſt; Sure I am my condition is ſad and I am ſad, and my p. 165ſadneſſe is all the poor remains of comfort that I have; and yet I no ſooner begin to take any comfort in my grief, but I perceive ſo much hypocriſie in my grief that the poor ſpark of comfort that I have is put out; Alas, tears of bloud were fitter for me then dry eyes; O Lord, muſt every trifle ſteal away my heart from thee; Thine excellencies are too high for me, Wiſedome is too high for fools, O that thou wouldſt take me out of mine own hands, and deliver me from my ſelf, and howſoever my heart is not importunate enough now; I ſhall thank and praiſe thee to all Eternity if thou wilt make me thine; Thou haſt done as much to draw me with the cords of love, even to wonder: Lord, do thou ſnatch me as a firebrand out of the fire, p. 166if thou ſhouldſt ſtay till I am willing without thy making me ſo, I am loſt: For I ſhall never part with theſe painted vanities, for all the glory in heaven, except thou giveſt me the eye of faith to ſee it, and a ſpiritual palat to relliſh it.

Meditat. XXXVIII.

O Lord, wilt thou let a poor ſinner lie gaſping out his laſt breath at thy feet, and die in thine arms, I have abundance of love for the world, O that thou hadſt it all: I am ſure I am not, nor ſhall never be at quiet, until thou haſt it, nor would I ſleep until I am in thine arms of love; My deareſt God, how comes it to paſſe that my heart cannot give it ſelf to whom it will? Had I a p. 168thouſand worlds I would give all for thee, that I might be thine; O my ſoul, why ſhould we ſtand conſulting and contriving what to do? God is ten thouſand times more then all things; Why ſhould we weight a Talent of Lead and a Feather together to ſee which is heavieſt: O Lord, my ſoul hath choſen thee long ago, I have abundance of experience of the truths of thoſe things which I have beleeved: I am thine, and thou art my God; Thou haſt choſen me, and I have choſen thee; If I ſhould be ſo vain at any time as to leave thee, thou art the ſame, and thy choice fails not; Thou Lord which madſt me choſe thee, whileſt I had no experience of thy love, wilt make me continue my choice. Lord, that any one ſhould chooſe hell before p. 169thee; It makes thee not to be leſſe glorious; Lord, muſt my blaſphemies praiſe thee; I finde ſo much hell in my heart, that it is not troubled in any proportionable meaſure that there is ſo much hell in it; When I ſet apart an hour for Meditation and praier, then I keep my heart ſomewhat cloſe; but at other times, I am little careful to improve what I reade or heart to enflame my heart; I had better not ſet an hour apart, and give thee all the day by thinking alwaies of thee; Lord, I do now acknowledge, for then I ſhall not, but if thou ſhouldeſt leave me, I ſhould be too much given to blaſpheme thee; Nay bleſſed God, let that never be, Lord, it ſhall never be; When I conſider the deſperate hypocriſie of my heart, I may every p. 170morning expect that thou ſhouldſt give me up to a reprobate ſenſe, to commit ſinne with greedineſſe; When I think of theſe things, I pour out my ſoul within me: to think with my ſelf, I ſhall loſe my eſtate, a little troubles me, to think I ſhall loſe ſuch a friend, it affects me more, but to think I ſhall loſe my God and become an Apoſtate, that's a hell unto me; I have begged of thee as for my life that thou wouldſt not leave me, and now I beg, O forſake me not utterly; To have ſuch a heart that will neither inflame my words nor be inflamed by them, is that which hath not been ſo; Lord, except thou wilt follow one, that will not ſtay when thou calleſt, and overtake one that runs from thee when thou followeſt I am, loſt: Well though I am ſure my froward p. 171and careleſſe carriage will juſtifie thy juſtice if thou condemn me, and magnifie thy mercy if thou ſaveſt me.

Meditat. XXXIX.

Lord, this day is thine own, and by being thine is more mine; I muſt now burn without coals about me; The time hath been when if I had been cold and dull; the Society, expreſſions, and examples of others in daies ſet apart to thee, would have enflamed me; Now the company I have is water and ſnow; Woe is me that I am constrained to have mine habitation in the Tents of Kedar, and yet Lord thou art never wanting; Thou ſendeſt forth thy beams of light and heat, if I bring not clouds over mine own head; I p. 172may have enough light from thee; Lord, when will theſe daies of ſin be ended, and the time of refreſhing from the preſence of the Lord come? I come into thy preſence, but when I am come, I am ſilent and deaf, neither able to ſpeak to thee, nor hear the ſweet whiſperings of thy Spirit; O that I had a heart to give my ſelf unto thee, or that thou wouldeſt take theſe poor longings of my ſoul for a gift, and thereupon take poſſeſſion of my ſoul; My daies of leaping for joy to think of thee are gone, and now my daies of ſorrow to ſee mine own vileneſſe are come; My tears are now my meat and drink, O that I had more of them ſo they were more ſpirituall; I am a poor creature but thou art the rich God; My poor heart why doſt thou not ſpeak? p. 173art thou ſilent? what ſaiſt thou? Is not God a good God? what relliſh or ſweetneſſe is there in theſe words, if thou doſt not ſet to thy ſeal; Lord, to thy glory though not to my comfort be it ſpoken, Thou haſt been a good God to me, but I have no comfort from this truth, if I never relliſh it; yet if mine heart will be ſo wicked as not to acknowledge it, yet my hand ſhall write that which ſhall witneſſe for my God againſt my ſelf; Thou art good, patient, and mercifull unto me, enough to make earth and heaven to wonder at thy goodneſſe, and my vileneſſe: ah my God, my God, muſt my words go beyond my thoughts of love to thee? Lord, thou art enough for heaven, enough for thy ſelf, and art thou not enough for me? Try O my p. 174Soul, try, thou wilt never truſt before thou knoweſt this by experience, thou knoweſt abundantly that the creature hath told thee It is not in me, this thou knoweſt by experience, and by faith thou knoweſt it is in God; Well then, lay all thy weight and ſtrength upon him and none upon the creature; Hold upon him with both hands, or elſe thou wilt attribute the greateſt failing unto God; For as he that ſtands upon never ſo ſtrong a place, if he lean againſt a rotten wall he ſhall fall, and one that is aſleep, when he fals will not know whether fail'd him, and ſo if we do but leave to our own wiſedom, we ſhall haply think that God fails; Lord, I wait, I long for thine appearance; Thou art enough Lord, I know not what to ſay, I am undone p. 175without thee; Lord, I hear the poor fly, oh how it flies up and down; Now it is warmed and revived with the warmth of the Sunne; yeſterday it lay ſtill as dead; ſurely Lord, if thou wilt ſhine upon my ſoul, I ſhould be active and chearfull in thy ſervice; No marvell heaven is ſo full of thy praiſes, when thou communicateſt thy ſelf ſo fully to them; the crumbs that fall from thy Table are too much for me, theſe temporal bleſſings are more then I can challenge, yet Lord I cannot be content with them, give me thy ſelf, and it ſufficeth, for all is nothing and ſnares without thee.

p. 176Meditat. XL.

Alas my God, pride and deſpair divide my life when I finde any thing I do in ſome manner as I ſhould, I begin to be puft up, and think, that I do more then ſome others of Gods people, and when I look upon my failings, theſe thoughts begin to ariſe. It is in vain, I ſhall never overcome ſuch corruptions, my ſins do me more harm by diſcouraging me then in the commiſſion.

Meditat. XLI.

Lord, There is no peace until thou haſt all our love; while our heart is divided between the world and thee, we can have no quiet, natural Conſcience draws p. 177one way, and natural corruptions another way; It is our ignorance that makes us think that there is not enough in thee to ſatisfie all our deſires, and to ſupply our want, which makes us joyn the creature with thee; When Lord, when ſhall all my thoughts be of thee? I am weary of being thus divided; Lord, if I can diſpoſe of my ſelf, I give my ſelf wholly to thee; O refuſe not that gift which thou haſt ſo often deſired, thou haſt ſaid, give me thy hearr, Lord mine heart longs whileſt thou haſt it; If thou ſaiſt that I do not give my ſelf freely and wholly enough, alas, nor never ſhall until thou take my heart, and diſcovereſt the ſecrets of thy love unto me, when thou doſt that I ſhall runne after thee; Lord, here's my poor ſoul, it lies at thy ſeet, groveling and p. 178gaſping for life; the creature hath left me, and I have left the creature, and would not that it ſhould have any more of my love, but it ſtill wooes me, and follows me for my love, unleſſe thou overcomeſt theſe ſtrong corruptions, I ſhall never be at quiet.

Meditat. XLII.

Sometimes my heart begins to be fil'd with joy, ſo that I am ready to cry out, Thou art mine exceeding joy, and then I conſider what I ſhall do, for I am afraid that my joy is falſe; When I conſider how I came by it, whether my praiers have been more fervent and frequent of late, or my repentance more profound, in the midſt of this conſideration, I can hardly ſay but think with my p. 179ſelf, Why ſhould I delay or refrain my enjoyment of God? and am ready to ſay within my ſelf, The falſe joys in God are better then the true joys of the world; theſe joys are too ſweet to let go; Lord Jeſus when thou kiſſeſt me with the kiſſes of thy mouth; I will kiſſe the Sonne leſt he be angry; Lord, thou art too good for me, if I may ſay ſo, how could I ever expect that thou ſhouldeſt come near me more? The poor love I have makes me ſay a thouſand worlds and a thouſand heavens for my God; the ſmall beams of the light of thy countenance are ſo ſweet; Lord, if thou wouldſt but continue the joys thou ſometimes affordeſt, I had enough, I need not the comforrs of the world to make it up, nor fear that the afflictions of the world though one p. 180need continuall ſupplies of comforts to ſupport one, yet they could not ſpend them.

Meditat. XLIII.

I will go to God, ſaith David, he is mine exceeding joy, a ſweet ſaying, O that there were ſuch a heart in me, yet I have an unenflamed heart, a frozen heart, if I leave all things and my ſelf, I ſhould finde thee, but theſe poor joys of the world quench the joys of the Spirit, I ſhut out the glorious beams of thy heat and light, and light up the candles of the creatures, which have neither heat nor light in compariſon of thine; When I go about to rejoyce in thee, my ſins come and tell me that they muſt be mourned for firſt; Any thing, Lord, any p. 181thing, ſo I may do what is pleaſing in thy ſight; I am willing to ſtay for my joys while thou art pleaſed to give them; Only I beſeech and deſire theſe three things of thee. 1. That I may not want grace though I want joys. 2. That I may not go about to make up the want of thy joys with carnall joys, let me not kindle a fire, and walk and rejoyce in the light and ſparks of what I have kindled, &c. 3. That though thou haſt kindled joy, yet that I may have ſorrows that are ſpirituall: Lord, how abundantly good art thou to them that love thee! I lie under the weight of thy love and thy joy; When I come hungry and thirſty to thee, to be ſatisfied with thy joy to the utmoſt; I ie now as a Ship upon the ſhoar, while the Tide of thy joys come and lift me up, p. 182and carry me into the Ocean of thy goodneſſe; When Mary Magdalene ſtood weeping at the Sepulchre, thou didſt call her by her name, and ſhe forgot all her ſorrows, ſhe left her tears, the Sepulchre, and the Angel, and cried out Rabboni, My heart makes me beleeve that I would give the whole world to ſee Jeſus Chriſt, for I think if I could ſee him I ſhould lie down at his feet, and beg his grace, and he would not deny me; This is part of my weakneſſe and want of faith, for he hears my praiers as fully, and is as willing to grant them now he is in heaven, as if he were on earth; Lord Jeſus thou that never didſt deny any poor ſoul that came to thee for grace and pardon, thou never ſendeſt them empty away, but granteſt their requeſt, Have p. 183mercy upon me O Lord, my need and wants are as many and as great as any of them all; and if my ſenſe of my miſery be not ſo great, my miſery is ſo much the greater.

Meditat. XLIV.

Lord I perceive that ſpiritual ſorrows and ſpiritual joys are wholly thy work, for my ſins are as many, as great, and of as deep a dye as any in the world that is not the ſin againſt the holy Ghoſt, and I am fully and ſenſibly convinced of it that they are ſo, and yet I am as ſenceleſſe as if my condition were quite hopeleſſe; for were it not ſo, could I poſſibly be ſo ſeared as I am? Thou haſt ſaid, I will take away the ſtony heart, Lord, if thou wilt work, who or p. 184what can hinder? My corruptions and my ſins have and do harden my heart by having and committing them, Nor will they ſoften it by conſidering them; What hinders thee from taking away the infidelity and ſtonineſſe of my heart? If that hardneſſe and infidelity doth, why that is the thing to be cured: If I were not ſick I need not a Phyſician: Lord, I ſay not this to juſtifie my ſelf, for it is thou of thy free grace that muſt juſtifie me, for I am loſt: And ſo for joys and comforts, though I reade and hear of the comforts that thou poureſt out on others, I am not moved, nay, thoſe very Stories and ſayings which have formerly inflamed me, now are as ſparks falling into the Sea, warms not at all: alas, when I ſhall meet thee at the laſt day, thy p. 185mercies they ſhall teſtifie againſt me, when they ſhall witneſſe my ſlieghtings of them, my fruitleſneſſe under them and unthankfulneſſe for them; What can I ſay, Alas, my poor ſoul, we are undone, but that day is not come yet, one hour more, the Lord it may be will give me, Come Lord Jeſus, Come quickly, Come into my poor ſoul, for I am afraid to meet thee at the Tribunal of thy judgement: If thou wert on the earth methinks I could go with confidence to thee that thou wouldeſt hear me, but now thou art in heaven I cannot; Bleſſed are they who have not ſeen and yet beleeve: Lord, I have received double for all my ſinnes, in reſpect of any profit or pleaſure I have had by them: I have had full meaſure, preſt down, and running over, but alas, my p. 186vexation of ſpirit is more gall then all the pleaſure that I have had that have been worldly, the loſſe and want of the diſcoveries of thy love cannot be recompenſed with all that the world hath, thy loves are better then wine, indeed in reſpect of the offence to thee, every prayer deſerves hell.

Meditat. XLV.

Lord, I am as afraid of comforts as of terrours, for when I have comforts I am ſubject to pride my ſelf in them, and in ſtead of having ſweet thoughts of thee, have high thoughts of my ſelf; Afflictions breed ſorrow, and comforts pride; Sorrow is better then pride, My preaching is my temptation, and my accuſer; If I preach not the ſtricteſt waies of p. 187God, my negligence condemns me, and if I do my Sermons condemn me; For my life is hell, I am afraid of publiſhing ſomething I have by the help of thy Spirit written, leſt my life ſhould do more harm by ſcandal, then the writings ſhould do good by directing to holineſſe, and yet ſometimes I think that if I publiſh and own ſuch writings they would be a ſtrong engagement to live more holily; But I have ſomething againſt that alſo, for that Motive would in ſhort time loſe its ſtrength; Such waxen wings would melt and let me fall to my former waies, and that holineſſe which is born up with ſuch carnal motives is a poor thing; Lord, how am I diſtracted and torn in peeces with theſe thoughts; Nay Lord, if thou wilt have me go p. 188with theſe burthens on my ſoul, do whatever ſeems good in thine eyes; If I may but drudge in thy houſe, though I lie among the pots, yet to be a skullion in thy houſe is better then to ſit at the Table of Princes; Lord, I am undone except thou work a miracle of mercy, yet if I am undone, it may before thou giveſt me over and diſcovereſt me to the world, thou wilt let me do ſomething more that may glorifie thee, and edifie the people, nay, it may be thou maiſt ſuffer me as long as I live to do much of which thou maiſt have glory; Lord, if my heart be not upright, yet O that my actions and my Preachings may be ſuch, that men ſeeing and hearing them may be ſtirred up to glorifie thee, by doing thoſe things ſincerely, which I it may p. 189be do out of hypocriſie, I am ſure too much hypocriſie; Lord, I have begged for ſuch a heart as may not deceive me, nor diſhonour thee, O my God, What ſhall I do? Nay Lord, what wilt thou do? I am undone unleſs thou doſt work mightily above all I can ſpeak or think, according to that mighty power wherewith thou didſt raiſe the Lord from the dead; O that I might be ſo raiſed that I might return no more to corruption.

Meditat. XLVI.

By this I know and am ſenſible, It is not for any man to live by his own ſtrength, by my knowing how impoſſible it is for a ſick man to recover without thee: If a living man cannot ſpeak, how can a condemned man live without p. 190thee? If living bones cannot move, how can dry bones live? Lord, thou meeteſt me not at duties, thou ſpeakeſt not to me there, thou ſpeakeſt to me in mercies, and I anſwer not; in judgements, and I carry my ſelf as a ſleepy man that is unwilling to be awaked; What wilt thou do with me Lord, when I will neither ſpeak to thee nor anſwer thee when thou ſpeakeſt! O the weakneſſe of my graces, and the power of thy mercies; Thoſe ſinnes I have had a minde to commit, thou haſt taken from me the opportunity to commit; It is a comfort to me that I had not opportunity, but it would be a greater comfort not to have a minde.