The Sinfulness of Evil Thoughts, Treatise · Chapter 37
CHAP. XXXVII. Containing a Soliloquy, or the ſouls ſad meditation upon the Trouble of Evil thoughts.
SAve me O God for the waters come into my Pſal. 69. 1, 2. Pſal. 93. 3.ſoule, I ſink in deep mire, where there is no ſtanding? I am come into deep waters where the flouds overflow me. The flouds have lift up O Lord, the flouds of Beliall lift up their voice, they lift up their waves.
And this buſie heart of mine is like the raging ſea that cannot reſt, and Eſa. 57. 20.theſe reſtleſſe thoughts of mine are like the raging waves, foming out their own Jud. v. 13.ſhame.
My fight is not ſo dangerous with fleſh and blood abroad, as with principalities, and powers above, nor yet with them neither ſo dreadfull, as with the ſpiritual wickedneſſe in ſecret places within. The 2 Sam. 10. 9.battle is round about, behind and before that I am ſorebeſet: I fear and faint and ſee no place of ſafety; I cry but can not fly; I think to fly, but fall into the mouth of danger; I run from the roaring Lion and Am. 5. 19.a Bear aſſaults me; I haſt from him to find ſhelter in the houſe, and the ſerpent in the wall ſtings me; I eſc…pe the open pit and am taken in the hidden ſnare; Abroad the Eſa. 24. 18. Lam. 1. 20.ſword devoureth, within there is as death; I run with Lot from the Sodom of a prophane world, and think to find ſafety in the Gen. 19. 30, 31.Zoar of holy ordinances, but there am I in fear; I go to the cave of ſolitude, and there they that come out of my loines deflower me; I row and work, but the ſea outworks me; I ſleep and am not ſecure, a ſtorm awakes me, I perceive a Jonah is Jonah. 1. 13.within.
I cry unto thee, my throat is dried, Pſal. 69. 3. Pſal. 1. 43. 6. Pſal. 119. 82. Pſal. 144. 7. 11.I ſtretch out my hands to thee as the parched thirſty land. Mine eyes faile in waiting for thy ſalvation, ſaying, when wilt thou rid me and deliver me from the hands of ſtrange children, whoſe right hand is a right hand of falſhood? I cry out with thy Church of old, our perſecutors are ſwifter then the eagles Lam. 4. 19.of heaven, they purſue us upon the mountaines, and lay wait for us in the wilderneſſe. Oh that Jer. 9. 1.my head were waters, and that mine eyes were a fountain of teares, that I might weep day and night for the bruiſe of the daughter of Sion (my ſoul) whoſe whole head is ſick and heart faint, from the crown of the head to the ſo…e of the foot, there is no ſoundneſſe, but wounds and blaines and Eſa. 1. 6.putrifying ſores. Oh that I had a cottage in the wilderneſſe, that I might leave my Jer. 9. 2.habitation and go from an aſſembly of Treacherous ones. Or that I had wings like Pſal. 55. 6.a dove, that I might fly away and be at reſt; Oh that thou wouldeſt put out thy hand and take me into thy Ark, that I might be delivered from theſe windy ſtorms & tempeſts.
In the multitude of my many other ſins, my Thoughts, perplex my ſoul.
Aſhamed I am O Lord to ſpeak, and bluſh to think what an heart I have, an heart ſo dark, ſo dead, ſo vain and vile, ſo foul and filthy: A noiſome dunghill, a ſtinking ſepulchre, a loathſom dungeon, an infected Peſthouſe, a cage of filthy birds, a ſty of ſwine, a den of theeves. Like that great tree, this heart of mine is, wherein are branches enough for all fouls of the ayr to build their neſts, and under whoſe ſhade is ſhelter for all the beaſts of the earth. A very Tophet I may call it, becauſe a burying place it is of whatever good is; an Horma becauſe a place Jer. 7. 32. Num. 21. 3. Num. 11. 34. Gen. 14. 10. Hoſ. 4. 15.of execution to holy motions and deſire; a Kibroth-hattaavah, becauſe the grave of luſts; the vale of Siddim, becauſe ſo full of ſlimepits, yea a Beth-Aven, becauſe a houſe full of iniquity is in it.
Ah Lord what thoughts are there! what ſinfull thoughts! my good deſires few, faint, fading; I think and think not; I muſe and mind not; I like, but ſeek not; allow, but purſue not; I know but love not; I ſay but do not; I wiſh but will not; A will, or almoſt half a will I have, a power, and care, and compleat will I want.
But of ſinfull thoughts, how great the number! how foul the nature, how reſtleſſe their motion, rudely ruſhing in unſent for, proudly commanding entertainment, though not bid welcome, refuſing to quit their lodgings, if not by ſtrong hand excluded, though deſired to be gone.
The good thought how rarely is it ſeen in this Climat, as rare almoſt as an Angel in Sodom, whither once there came a couple, and when preſſed, and intreated to come in, had almoſt chuſe rather to lie in the ſtreets then come under this roof, but when once entred, how do the ſons of Sodom, young and old beſet the room, from every quarter, preſſing upon me with violence to have them out, no dores, bars, entreaties of mine can keep them out. Lord put out thy hand, draw in this heart, ſecure theſe heavenly gueſts, and ſtrike theſe ſons of Sodom with blindneſſe, or deadneſſe, that they may never find a door for entrance.
Oh! What cold entertainment doth a good thought find! it is either ript out of the womb, as Hazaell ript the children out of their mothers bellies, before it is ripe for birth, or caſt out as ſoon as born, as the males of Iſrael to be deſtroyed, or elſe perſecuted to death in infancy, as the children in Bethlehem, by that bloudy Herod, who ſought to ſlay thy Son, if it had been poſſible. Lord remember, they that ſeek my life, ſeek thine and thy Chriſts. But let what is of Chriſt be preſerved though all the reſt periſh. In Egypt, I read the more thy people were diminiſhed, the more they multiplied; oh that it might be ſo here with me, at leaſt let the Lord leave a ſeed, that I be not as Sodom, or made like unto Gomorrah.
I have too many other ſins to bewaile, of eye, ear, mouth, hand, foot, and the whole diſeaſed man; Totus pro corpore morbus. But as unhappy Saul had not it ſeemes hurt enough done him by the Philiſtines wounds, but he muſt haſten his 1 Sam. 31. 4.own death, by falling on his own ſword, ſo miſerable I, as if I had not enemies enow abroad, muſt contribute ſomewhat to my own ruine from my ſelf. Had I no other ſins, my thoughts alone would undo me, ſhould I waſh my ſelf with ſnow water, and Job 9. 30. 31.make my ſelf never ſo clean, Theſe garments would defile me. Oh of thee Lord, how few thoughts have I! And thoſe again how low, mean and ſorry! Of thy Son, Spirit and grace, how irreverent, confuſed, and unbecoming! Of thy Word and Works, how many queſtioning, diſliking, and gainſaying thoughts have I!
And my evil thoughts not tranſient and vaniſhing, as are my good, but fixed, deliberate and abiding; either ever remaining, or ever and anon returning. How ignorant, earthly, carnall is my heart, not ſavouring the things of God, but thoſe which are of Mat. 16. 23.men! how cold, looſe, dead is my ſpirit! all the wiſdome that is here below, is earthly, ſenſuall, or devilliſh. This heart of mine a Jam. 3. 15.garden to weeds, a grave to graces, a lake of Sodom, or dead ſea, wherein no holy motion breeds, or is long-lived. The earth puts forth her weeds at ſpring, forbeares in winter, my heart is winter all the year long to grace, a ſpring to weeds. The Aguiſh body hath his well day after an ill, I am followed with a Quotidian; that hath his hot fit after his cold, I have both together, a continuall cold fit to duty, and hot to ſin.
Lord when ſhall this Etna have done ſmoaking and ſparkling; when ſhall this filthy ſcum boile out; when ſhall theſe wells Ezek. 24. 6. 2 King. 3. 25. Ezek. 36. 25.be fild and ſtopped up. Oh when ſhall this heart be made clean! when! when ſhall it once be, and when ſhall the clean water promiſed, be poured out.
Deep calleth loud unto Deep, the deeps Pſal. 42. 7. Zech. 13. 1.of miſery to greater deepes of mercy. This ſecret fountain of ſin, to that open fountain of grace for ſin and uncleanneſſe.
Lord ſearch, and cleanſe this heart, and Pſal. 139. 23. Pſal. 19. 12. Pſal. 51. 10. Pſal. 17. 8.cleanſe me moſt from ſecret ſins.
A new, a right, a ſtable ſ…irit create in me O God, and keep thou this heart for me with all thy keeping, as thou wouldeſt keep the apple of thine eye. Woe is me that I muſt Pſal. 120. 5.ſtill dwell in Meſech, and my ſoul with them that hate peace. Oh bleſſed, thrice bleſſed Pſal. 23. 1, 2.he whoſe ſin is pardoned, and moſt bleſſed he in whoſe ſpirit there is no guile. Apply the Lev. 14. 6. 50. Lev. 14. 25. 28.warme blood of a dying Saviour, to remove my guilt, and the efficacy of a living ſpirit to purge out my guile, as the blood of the dead, and water with the living ſparrow, went both together to cleanſe the Leprous houſe, and as the blood of the lamb, and the anointing oile together, to cleanſe the Leprous perſon.
Oh when ſhall I have done trifling, dallying, roving, in my thoughts!
Oh when ſhall I have done doubting, diſputing, diſtruſting!
Oh when ſhall I have done, murmuring, repining, fretting!
Oh when ſhall I have done carking, caring, thought-taking!
Oh when ſhall my heart become compoſed, fixed, ſtabliſhed!
Oh when ſhall my thoughts begin to be ſerious, ſpirituall, ſanctified!
Oh when ſhall I begin to be conſiderate, circumſpect, heavenly!
Oh when ſhall I begin to love, chuſe, and obey thee!
When ſhall I follow on to know, acknowledge, and glorify thee as God!
When ſhall I ſee that happy day to delight, rejoyce and glory in thee!
When, when ſhall it be my ſtudy to ſeek God, contemplate God, converſe with God.
When, when ſhall it be my practice to ſleep and wake with God, to talk and walk with God, to injoy and joy in God!
Let natures works lead me by the hand to ſeek thee, let reaſon lift up my head to diſcern thee, let thy word raiſe up my heart yet higher to admire thee, and let thy ſpirit of grace elevate my ſoul yet higher to embrace thee, till Grace and Glory meet to make thee and my ſoul meet and be united.
OnelyOnly deny me not two things before I dy, Prov. 30. 7, 8. Pſal. 120. 3.remove from me vanity and lyes, deliver me O Lord from lying lips, and from a vain deceitfull heart.
Lord is folly ſo faſt bound up in the heart of a child that the rod muſt fetch it out, and Prov. 22. 15.is it bound up ſo much faſter in the heart of a man, that neither rod, nor word, nor ſmiles, nor blowes, nor mercies, nor judgements, can fetch it out? Thou haſt brayed me in a morter, yet doth not this folly depart from Prov. 27. 22.me.
Oh ſend out once thy light, and truth, thy grace and ſpirit, and let them lead me!Pſal. 43. 138.
Oh when wilt thou prepare, repair, and renew this heart!
Oh that thou wouldeſt ſoften, circumciſe, and ſubdue this heart!
Oh that thou wouldeſt purge, ſweep, and cleanſe this heart!
Oh that thou wouldeſt adorn, enrich, and furniſh this heart!
Oh that thou wouldeſt enlighten, enliven, and enlarge this heart!
Oh that thou wouldeſt abide in, inhabit, and keep this heart!
Oh that thou wouldeſt watchover, ſecure, and guard this heart!
Oh that thou wouldeſt open, ſhut, and lock this heart; ſhut out idle, unclean and vain thoughts; keep in holy, pure and chaſt thoughts; ſetting up the doors thereof, the locks thereof, and the bars thereof.Neh. 3. 6. 2 King. 2. 21.
Oh ſeaſon this ſpring, then ſhall not the waters be barren, nor dead. Mend this treaſure, then ſhall communication be wholſom, Mat. 12. 35.and converſation holy.
Give me Lord; What wilt thou give me?
Give me the heart to ask, give me the heart I ask for.
Give a ſoft, a tender, a ſound heart.
Give a rent, a broken, a contrite heart.
Give a mourning, a melt…ng, a fleſhy heart.
Give me Lord a believing, a loving, an obedient heart.
Give a humble, a meek, a contented heart.
Give a holy, a high, a heavenly heart.
Give Lord a faithfull, a thankfull, a chearfull heart.
Give a panting, a praying, a praiſing heart.
Give a free, a firm, a fixed, heart.
Give a willing, a wiſe, an underſtanding heart.
Give a pure, a perfect, a ſincere heart.
Give a new, a true, another heart, yea Lord that heart, that is according to thine own heart.
Lord take this heart for an Ark, and a Temple, and a ſacrifice, for God.
Lord make this heart the habitation, the ſanctuary, the mercy-ſeat of God.
Let it be thy Shiloh, thy Bethel, thy Penuel.
Let it be my Jehovah-j…rith, Jehovah Shammah, Jehovah Shalom.
Let it be thy fountain ſealed, thy engraven ſignet, thy garden encloſed.
But Alas! Alas! I muſt renew my griefes, mine habitation is in the midſt of deceit, my dwelling among briers and thornes, yea among ſcorpions is my abode, ſerpents and Cookatrices that will not be charmed. Were it an open enemy I had to do with, I would bear it, or ſeek to avoid him, or were it a ſuſpected friend I would be ſhy and wary of him and hide my ſelf: But it is thou my familiar (my ſelf) where ſhall I go out to fly, or go in to hide me? I have long looked for peace but behold trouble. W…e is me, my ſoul is wearied becauſe of murderers. Jer. 4. 13.And my life is a wearineſſe to me becauſe of theſe daughters of Heth to which I am married. They who repaired the gate of the fountain in Nehemiahs time, had a happy and honourable emploiment, but how unhappy mine, who am ſet to repaire this Dung-gate, and to ſet up the doors thereof, and the locks thereof, and the bars thereof!Neh. 3. 14, 15.
But is there no Balme in Gilead? Is there no Phyſitian there? Is there no Refiners fire, nor fullers ſope to be had or hoped for? Muſt I ſit down and ſay it is my burden, and I muſt bear it? The frogs Jer. 10. 19.were a ſore plague to the Egyptians which came into their Chambers and were upon their Tables. But theſe come into an Iſraelites heart, into my oratory, cloſet and bed: Thou didſt ſever then between the Iſraelites and Egyptians, ſever now between the Iſraelites and theſe frogs. They after two or three daies were removed, and ſhall theſe never? They had that plague of lice crawling on their bodies, yet at length removed, but I! unhappy I, have theſe on my ſpirit. They had botches on their backs, I a plague in my heart; they the peſtilence among their cattle, I among my firſtborn.
The woman with child travailes and hopes to caſt out her ſorrows, but muſt I ever travell, never be delivered of this dead child; This body of death. Ah ſinfull, baſe, proud heart! ah vain, looſe, idle heart! ah unconſtant, unſtable, uncertain heart! ah falfe, deceitfull, treacherous heart! ah ſickly, diſeaſed, faint heart! ah unclean, rebellious, ſtubborn heart! oh thou ſon of perverſe rebellion, doſt 1 Sam. 20. 30.thou not know that thou haſt choſen theſe companions to thy own deſtruction, and that thou ſhalt never be ſtabliſhed till theſe removed.
Ah! What ſhall I take to witneſſe for thee? What ſhall I liken to thee? and to what ſhall I equal thee? that I may bemoan or comfort thee. Thy breach is great like the Sea, Who can Lam. 2. 14.heal thee? Unſafe was the valley of Siddim, ſo full of ſlime-pits, for a place of battel; Gen. 14.there fell the Kings, and holy Lot among them captive. My habitation is among theſe ſlime-pits, wherewith I am alwaies bemired, too often foyled. Sad was holy Ezekiels lot, among Briers and Scorpions. Jeremies Ezek. 2. 6.caſe ſad in that mirie dungeon: Daniels in the Lions Den; the three childrens in the Dan. 6. Dan. 3. Jon. 2. Act. 12.fiery furnace; Jonahs in the whales belly; Peters, in the midſt of Iron chains, and more ſtern keepers; mine more ſad than they altogether.
Sad the Egyptians caſe, when the waters turned into blood; their vines ſmitten with hail, fruits conſumed with locuſts, land covered with frogs, their day turned into night, themſelves annoyed with flies, and lice, and frogs, and evil Angels. How many of theſe plagues are continually upon me? Miſerable Herod, who was eaten up with the vermin Act. 12.that iſſued out of his own body; more miſerable to have the ſoul tormented with thoſe vermin which are bred and ingendred there. Miſerable Sampſon, who was betrayed, bought and ſold into the hands of the Philiſtines, and there made to grind, or Jud. 16.make ſport to his inſulting enemies; my caſe no leſſe miſerable. Were we in this caſe ſold for ſlaves, or delivered to death, or to make ſport to men, well we might bear it, but to grind in Satans priſon houſe, and to make ſport for hell, who would not prefer death before it? muſt the Cedar vine & olive ſubmit to a bramble? And ſhall Athaliah Jud. 9. 2 King. 11. 1.quietly poſſeſſe the throne when ſhe hath deſtroyed the ſeed royal? Avenge me of theſe Midianites; Deliver me from mine enemies for they hate me with cruell hatred; Hold not thy peace O God of my praiſe? Why ſtandeſt thou ſo far off? Art thou a God that haſt pleaſure in wickedneſſe, or delight in the death of a ſinner? Shall I ſay with Peter, depart from me I am a Lu. 5. 8.ſinfull man O Lord? Or ſhall I ſay, Lord careſt thou not that I periſh? neither Lord; Mar. 4. 58. Mat. 8. 2.But if thou wilt, thou canſt make me clean. Say Lord, I will be thou clean, I ask no more; Thou art of purer eyes then to behold evil, and Hab. 1. 13.canſt not look on iniquity, why lookeſt thou then upon them that deal treacherouſly, and holdeſt thy tongue when the wicked devoureth the more righteous? Lord make this ſea go back, this Jordan ſtand ſtill; Let not the water floud drown me, neither let the pit ſhut her mouth upon me. Being invironed with theſe ſo many envious keepers as Peter was, and loaden with ſo many chaines, and deſlined to death by mine enemies, I cry the more importunately, Lord ſend thine Angel looſe theſe bonds, diſperſe theſe keepers, open the priſon doors, yea make this iron gate to open of it ſelf, that the ranſomed of the Lord may go forth with ſongs and everlaſting Eſa. 35. 10. Jon. 2. 4.joy upon his head. Out of the belly of hell do I cry unto thee, let my prayer come before thee. O Lord heare, O Lord forgive, O Lord hearken and do, defer not for Dan. 9. 17. 19.thin… own ſake O my God, cauſe thy face to ſhine on this ſanctuary (this ſoul) that is deſolate for the Lords ſake. Avenge me this once and help me this once, and let me dye with Jud. 16. 28.theſe uncircumciſed, with whom I have conflicted all my life, if I may not be ſo happy as to outlive them, and ſee them cut oſt; If I can not ſee the Egyptians deſtroyed in the wilderneſſe, but they ſtill purſue me, carry me through the red ſea of death that I may ſee them dead on the ſhore. Lord Ex. 14. 30. Joſh. 10. 6.ſlack not thine hand, to aſſiſt this poore Gibeonit… now in covenant with thee, who flies to thy protection againſt the numerous hoſt of the Canaanites round about, deliver me from mine enemies for they are ſtronger then I, and mo in number then the haires of my head.
Jacobs ſervice was hard with Laban which laſted twenty years, and he was deceived Gen. 31. 7.ten times by him, I have ſerved longer one who hath deceived me more then ten and ten times, and ſhall I not be ſet free? Thy people Iſrael were ſadly oppreſſed in Egypt, they ſighed by reaſon of their burdens, and their bondage, and thou ſenteſt a redeemer, But when ſhall the Redeemer come out of Sion? when will the Lord turn the captivity of his people? They were after carried into Babylon and they that took them captives held them faſt and refuſed to let them go; But ſtrong and faithfull was their Redeemer, Jer. 50. 33. 34.who did throughly plead their cauſe, and give reſt again to his land, and diſquieted the inhabitance of Babylon. And ſhall this captive exile dye in a pit: and ſhall his eyes faile in Eſa. 51. 14. Eſa. 38. 14.expecting ſalvation? I am oppreſſed, undertake for me. Well now I ſee what cauſe to cry out, Oh the depth of the riches of the Ro. 11. 33.wiſdome and knowledge of God! how unſearchable are his Judgments and his ways paſt finding out? Thy waies and thoughts are all to me myſterious.
I read, O Lord, that David was thrice anointed to one kingdome, ere he came to the full poſſeſſion of it, and muſt I be ſo too? He was firſt anointed by Samuel when a child, but for all that little like a 1 Sam. 16.kingdome followed, but perſecutions, hatred, exile, poverty, and miſery; The ſecond time in Hebron after the death of Saul, then ſomwhat indeed of a kingdome 2 Sam. 2. 3.(a divided kingdome) was given unto him, though maintained and kept with long and ſore wars; But a third happy anointing followed after the death of Iſhboſheth, when he had poſſeſſion given him of the whole kingdome which he held all his daies. Lord when thou hadſt firſt anointed me in thy eternall 2 Sam. 5. 3.decree of election, there was a deſignation indeed to a heavenly kingdome; but till the ſecond anointing comes in effectuall vocation, there is nothing like a King, or of one deſigned for heaven to be diſcerned; But then ſome ſmall part of the kingdome is ſettled upon us, A little grace ſet up in Gods throne (the heart) but oppoſed by much corruption; Lord haſten the third anointing in Jeruſalem, that the kingdome of old deſigned in election, entred into in vocation (though yet engaged in doubtfull wars) may be fully and quietly poſſeſt.
There was long war then between Saul 2 Sam. 3. 1.and David; But David grew ſtronger and ſtronger and out lived that war, and was ſettled in peace. But when I have done with Saul, I have an Abſalom coming out of my own bowels, and that rebellion ſcarcely quelled but another Sheba up, he blows a Trumpet, all make head, and I almoſt forſaken. 2 Sam. 20. 1.Oh muſt there be no diſcharge from this war? muſt it continue as that between Rehoboam Eccl. 8. 8. 1 King. 14. 30.and Jeroboam all our daies? There was a… time when Kings went out to war, and a ceſſation 2 Sam. 11. 1.time when David was at home, walking on his roof; muſt I neither expect a tryumph here, nor hope for peace, nor ſo much as look for a ceſſation? Thou doſt all in mercy and for the beſt I hope; we ſhould be in more danger on the roof then in the field. Thy will be done. The Canaanites were left to try thy Jud. 3. 1, 2.people and to learn them war, juſt and good; They would otherwiſe have been ſecure, and Deut. 7. 22.then the beaſts of the earth had riſen up againſt them: Better it is I muſt needs ſay to be exerciſed continually with theſe Canaanites, then to be deſtroyed for ever by the wild beaſts.
I read of the care of a mother towards the 2 Sam. 21. 10.carcaſſes of her children when dead, though they could take no more hurt; Rizpah the daughter of Aiah Sauls Concubine ſuffered neither the birds of the Aire to reſt on her two Sons by day (when executed and hanged on a tree) nor the beaſts of the field by night, even for a long time, from the beginning of barly harveſt, till water dropped upon them, out of heaven, and then were they taken down; and all that time ſhe took ſackcloth and ſpread it for her upon the rock; And have I no care of a living-dead-carrion-heart, and is there no help but the birds of the aire, and beaſts may come and reſt upon it day and night? Well I will ſpread ſackcloth for me upon this rock, till either water drop from heaven to ſoften and cleanſe this heart, or till it be (not taken down, but) taken up and tranſlated.
Collige oves, Areā munda, Templum que repurga; Cor renova, Satanam contere, Chriſte veni.
foreign
Rev. 21. 20.
FINIS.
End of the text · John Sheffeild, The Sinfulness of Evil Thoughts (1659)