Spiritual Experiences of Sundry Believers, Part 2 · Section 40 – Section 42
40 Experiences of J. S.
IT hath been so with me, that sometimes my spirits have been much cast down, and that the burthen of my sins is great upon me, having lived carelesly in many great sins committing them with greedinesse; yea, many times knowne sins presumingly: Yet hath God sometimes toucht my heart with remembrance and sorrow, in the sense of them, which afterwards againe, forgetting all good resolutions I have behaved my self perfidiously to God, and the innumerable account so terrifies me, even to despaire: But having learned that God is good and gracious, and beleeving that he who hath commanded us to forgive seventy times our brother offending, will also pardon them that faithfully seek him▪
In my course of sinning I have continued hitherto without that due contrition for them, nor in the midst of great sins, have I been able to seeke God, but rather in the forgetting them could sometimes pray, yet but with small fervency and no repentance, as I ought, which is a continual daily trouble to me, and cause that I cannot look up as I ought.
In this my said most sad condition, I cannot see any helpe but in Christ Jesus: I see I am in a lost condition without Christ, and I goe pressed downe by my sinnes; and it grieves me, but not sufficiently, that the troubles and cumbrings of the world doe too much put these things out of my mind, and I could wish that I could live with lesse troubles about the things of the world, that I might more mind the things of God.
And it is a great trouble to me that my heart is so dead and dull, and that I have not more knowledge of Gods commandements, which I have cast behind me. And I doe much pray to the Lord to touch my spirit, and then I know I shall be inlightned: The greatest part of my wickednesse is the least part that I can confesse:
And my dead and dull heart hath not so quickened me as I could have wished; But I have had some comfort in flying to some promises, As Christ saith, Come unto me all yee that are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest; take my yoake upon you and learne of mee, for I am meeke and lowly in heart, and yee shall finde rest to your soules; I have desired to take up the yoake of Christ, for my sins are a burden, and so great a wound to me, that they are putrified, and one soare putrifies another; And crying for help, I am a poor languishing soul lying as quite dead, gasping for life. I would I could weep that I cannot weep. But I take comfort in the Apostles words, who saith, Jesus Christ came into the world to save sinners, of which hee saith, he is chiefe.
God said, walke before me, and be upright, and I will be thy God All-sufficient.
And my comfort of hope in Jesus Christ is, from these things wrought by his spirit in me.
1 It is my desire faithfully to serve the Lord, for he is gracious, and an infinite glorious God.
2 I desire that the Lord will take away my sins, and that the new birth may bee formed in me, that I may become obedient to his spirit, and not unto the flesh.
3 I desire the Lord to give me faith and true repentance for all my sins, and it is my confidence that God can clear up to me, and I desire from my soule, that he will say to me, thy sins are forgiven thee.
4 My love to God is such that I could give my body to be burnt, and my flesh to be massacred, were it for Gods sake, and I desire to draw near unto God, he hath been neare unto me: O that I could remember and be mindfull of his mercies! I desire to lay aside all to injoy God.
5 My resolutions (through grace) are chiefly to seek God above all things, and desire to serve him with my whole heart in all his commands.
6 I am a fiend of perfidiousnes, because of former backslidings after weake resolvings.
7 My resolutions are through grace, that the Lord shall be my God, and to serve him to the uttermost I can, as he shall inable me, begging his Divine grace and strength therein.
8 My hope of salvation is only in Gods free grace in Jesus Christ.
9 I have found comfort from the ministry of Mr. Walker your pastor, and see such walking by this Church according to the rule of Gods word, that I doe much desire to bee a member with you; and the rather because I lived in a place where is much ignorance and prophanenesse, that so I may partake of your prayers, and fellowship, to the comfort of my soule, and building mee up through grace in Jesus Christ.
J. S. August 22. 1652.
41. Experiences of E. P.
THat the trouble for sin hath been the greatest trouble I have had, that I have been so great a sinner against so good a God; That I have deserved all shame, misery and torment that can be inflicted on mee for my sins, and had despaired had I not hope in Gods mercies, that my heart hath been much hardened that I have not so grieved as I should, and I desire the Lord to soften my heart, that I may mourne for my sins more then I have done; and I have been much troubled that I have been no more humbled for my sins, and that my condition would be sad if the Lord did not change my heart: but my hope is in God who giveth grace to all that he saveth; and I have, from the consideration of my outward crosses, been the more sensible of my sins, knowing that I have deserved many greater afflictions, and I hope that the Lord will give me in a larger portion of his grace, and make me an humble penitent.
And I have found comfort in severall sweet promises, as that the Lord saith, Call upon me in the day of trouble, and I will hear thee, and thou shalt glorifie mee; And Christ saith, Come unto mee all yee that are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest; And therefore I doe call upon God, and wait on him, beleeving that he will heare mee, and that Jesus Christ will give mee rest, and Christ saith, Whosoever shall forsake Father, or Mother, or Wife, or Relation for his sake and the Gospels, shall receive of him much more. And God hath wrought in my heart a resolution to forsake all for Christ and the Gospell, and relye on God alone.
And I have these sweet seals from God, of my interest in Christ.
1 That my heart is willing and ready to obey Gods commandements in all things, so far as a poor sinner can.
2 That I do rely wholly upon Gods mercy, and put my trust and confidence in him, and in him alone.
3 That the love of God hath wrought in my heart a love to him, and a desire to Jesus Christ, and to know God in him.
4 That I have a love to the word and duties, and I desire nothing more then to find Christ in duties, and I find a joy and comfort in duties, and I wish to dwell with Gods people all the daies of my life.
5 That I hope for salvation by saith in Jesus Christ, and by him alone.
E. P. Septemb. 17. 1652.
42. Experiences of G. S.
THat I have had a great desire to serve Jesus Christ, and to serve God in truth as neare as I can, but I have had many occasions to keep me back, and I do see that not to go forward is to goe backward; that I have a great burden upon my conscience for sin, & have bin much cast down, and I see by the troubles that are upon mee that the Lord doth humble me, and that I am resolved to make or renew my repentance, and flye to God whose mercy is above all; and I see that I am a great sinner, I have ever had a great desire to serve Jesus Christ, but I see I cannot doe it as I ought, but my soule longs after Jesus Christ, and without him I cannot live, that I have bin many times much troubled in conscience, but have found comfort from the word, in hearing the word preached. That I once received a very great comfort, a year since, in hearing a private conference amongst Christians, since which I have bin mueh affected with private meetings, & desired to walk with a Church.
That I have received much comfort from severall promises, as that Christ saith, Come to me all ye that are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest; also he saith, whatsoever yee shall aske the Father in my name I will give it you. And againe that he saith, I will never leave thee nor forsake thee. And this promise I have much stuck to, and found much comfort in. Also he hath promised, Aske and yee shall have, seeke, and yee shall find, knock and it shall be opened to you. And the Lord saith, If the sinner returne unto me, I will have mercy upon him.
And God hath further wrought upon my heart, so that
1 I see that I have much neglected my duty to God, and have just cause to fear that God will be angry with me; But I hope in his mercy.
2 That I love God.
3 That I love Gods word, and his Servants, as my life, and to heare the people of God derided and scorned is a great trouble to me, and a very sore griefe to my spirit.
4 That I had rather live with bread and water to bee with Christ, then to injoy the Kingdomes of the world.
5 That I grieve and can weep to consider of those wayes that I have taken contrary to the word of God, for I know God will honour those that honour him, and despise those that despise him.
6 That my resolutions are (the Lord inabling mee, with his grace and strength) to serve God constantly for the time to come.
7 I have had very great comforts in hearing of the word, and in my greatest afflictions have found such comfort with the people of God in duties, that I desire the sincere milke of the word, that I may grow thereby.
8 That I desire to walk with this Church, because I beleeve they be such as God ownes, who saith, that where two or three are gathered together in his name, he is in the midst of them.
9 That I am confident, if I should dye, that I shal be found in Jesus Christ, who hath satisfied the justice of God.
10 That I desire to grow up in the grace of God, more and more, to perfection in Christ.
G. S. Septemb. 24. 1652.