Of Peace and Contentment of Mind, Book 2 · Chapter 15
CHAP. XV. Husband, Wife, Children, Kindred, Friends: Their price, their Loſſe.
IT may ſeeme that theſe ſhould have bin put among the goods of fortune. To which I might anſwer ſomewhat Stoically, that it is not altogether certaine whether they muſt be put among the goods or among the evills, for they may be either, as it falls out. But I rank them with neither, but among exteriour things, of which we muſt labour to get the right Opinion.
To that end we muſt alwayes conſider them two wayes, as they are good or bad, and as they are neare to us in blood, or bonds of duty. Neither muſt the ſecond relation hinder the firſt, ſo foreſtalling the mind with the relations of Huſband or Wife, Sonne or Brother, that one be incapable to make a right Judgement of their diſpoſition and capacity, and ſet a juſt price on them.
The onelyonly relation of Parents muſt ſpread a vaile of reverence betweene our eyes and their imperfections, that we may ſee nothing but good in them. There it is wiſedome to be ſomewhat deceived: Though it be not my theame to ſpeak of the duties to be rendred to our ſeveral relations, yet becauſe I ſeeke the contentment of mind, I cannot chuſe but ſay that of all civill and natural duties none is ſo contenting to him that payeth it, as the duty payd to Parents. Herein Epamimondas Judged his victories moſt fortunate unto him that he had obtained them in his Fathers life time who did much rejoyce at them.
To other relations we muſt alſo pay their proper duty. Of which wee muſt remember this general rule; That it is impoſſible to get content by them unleſſe we do our duty towards them. For that content muſt not be expected from them but from ourſelves. The content that one takes with a deare Wife, a good Brother, and a well choſen Friend, is more that which he giveth then that which he receiveth. It lyeth in the teſtimony of his conſcience that he hath rendred to them the true offices of love.
Without prejudice to thoſe duties, we may and ought impartially to conſider their inclinations and abilities, and what may be expected of them. In thoſe relations which come by choyce, as of a Husband Wife and friend, the judgement muſt precede the affection, to finde what is fit for us before we fixe upon it: But in relations of Kindred made by nature without us, the affection muſt go before and the judgement muſt follow; that we may know them ſo well, that though we love them, we truſt them proportionably to their honeſty and capacity, and no more.
In this point the vulgar ſort making many groſſe miſtaks. For it is an ordinary but an evill expreſſion, I would truſt him as mine owne Brother. Yet moſt knaves have Brothers, who ſhould do very unwiſely to truſt them. The ſtyle of Merchants ſelling their ware is more ingemous, when they promiſe to a Chapman to uſe him as if he were their Brother, for they would not ſcruple to cozen their Brother. And truly hence the word of cozening had its Origine, becauſe it is uſual to make uſe of the bond of Kindred to be truſted enough to deceive enough.
For counſel and converſation we much chooſe the wiſeſt and worthieſt rather then the neareſt in blood: But when there is occaſion to give, or need to ſeeke help; we muſt runne to the neereſt in blood rather then to the worthyeſt, if they be but honeſt. So much we muſt deferre to the choyce of Nature, that if there be any vertue in them, though but ſmall, we be neerer to them in affection then blood. Solomon ſaith that a Brother is borne for adverſity, Prov. 17.17. becauſe other friendſhips by differences, intervening of parties, intereſſes, and Opinions, are ſubject to coole and untie, but among Brethren thoſe differences are overcome by the ſtrength of nature; and in adverſity either good nature or feare of blame makes Brothers give real help to Brothers.
Wife and Children are the ſtrongeſt trials of a magnanimous ſpirit, for they make a mans heart tender, and in the pinches of adverſity make him deſcend to ungenerous ſhifts. He that hath none ſhal have leſſe delight & leſſe ſorrow.
Yet muſt we acknowledge that a mariage wel ſorted betweene two perſons of merit is of all worldly felicities the greateſt.
Of children expect noe good but the ſatiſfaction to have done them good, and to ſee them doe wel for them-ſelves. For in this relation the nature of beneficence is to deſcend, ſeldom to remount.
Nothing is more pretious among humane things, then a vertuous loving freind, kinne or no kinne. And if he be one ſtory above us in nobility and vertue, he is better then lower. Equality indeed is requiſit in friendſhip, but friend ſhip it ſelfe worketh that equality where it is not; And there is need of it, for it is impoſſible to find two friends in the world altogether equal in al reſpects.
The price of friendſhip is according to the price of the perſon, whom therefore we muſt ſtudy to know wel, that we may love no perſon above or under his right value. A reaſonable benevolence of a man of great merit is more obliging then the ardent affection of an Idiot; From the former you may receive inſtruction honour and content; From the ſecond importunity, and the diſgrace to be paired with a man of no worth: Such a friendſhip will end in a breach, and ſo in repentance.
Whether friendſhips be knit by nature or by choyce, that we may not expect of them a content beyond their nature, we muſt remember that our freinds are men, whoſe love may, and whoſe life muſt faile. The uſe of them we may have, not the poſſeſſion. The beſt and moſt powerfull freinds are weake reeds, which we muſt not leane upon with all our weight, leſt they breake in our hand, and we take a ſore fall. Thus ſaith the Lord, Curſed is the man that truſteth in man and maketh fleſh his arme Jer. 17.5. As this is a ſentence given by God againſt them that put their confidence in man, it is alſo a natural conſequence of the nature of the fault: For puting our confidence in man is going out of our ſelues: It is going out of God: It is making men Gods, for unto God only is that homage due of an abſolute and total confidence. Noe wonder that God thereby is moved to jealouſy.
To that evill, Pagan Philoſophers give a remedy little better then the diſeaſe, which is, To put confidence in ourſelves. This being a moſt erroneous Doctrine is nevertheleſſ halfe the way to the truth: for they had very well obſerved, that a wiſe wan muſt not depend from another but retire within himſelfe, where all the good and evill of a man lyeth. But while they enjoyne a man to retire within himſelfe they leave out the maine precept proper to a higher School then theirs, that a man ſhould ſeek God within himſelfe; and to find God in his breaſt, that he ſhould invite and then entertaine him there, by a pure ſervice, a ſincere love, & an entire cōfidence.
Many, by much good Kindred, & many Friends and relations, become leſſe vertuous and induſtrious; getting the ill habit of the Italian Signora's who walking in the ſtreets beare more upon the armes of their ſupporters on both ſides, then upon their owne legs. They have need to be ſent from home to learne to ſtand alone without a Nurſe to hold them. None can be owner of any meaſure of ſtedfaſtneſſe and content that makes all his ſupport and ſatisfaction to depend of his neighbours. That man hath more content in the world, who having confined his deſire to few things, troubleth alſo but few perſons; and is deſirous of Friends to do them, not to receive of them good offices, regarding their vertue more then their ſupport.
When we have got good Friends, we muſt be prepared to loſe them. Death ſeparateth Friends, and diſolveth Mariages. When that happens, wee muſt remember without trouble or amazement that thoſe perſons ſo deare to us were mortal, but indeed that ſhould have bin remembred before. A Philoſopher viſiting his neighbour who was weeping bitterly for the death of his Wife, left him preſently, ſaying aloud with great contempt, O great fool! did he not know before, that he had married a woman not a goddeſſe? After we have condemned that cruel incivility, yet muſt we acknowledge that it is a folly to lament for that which we knew before to be unavoydable. Yet after all reaſons, when love hath bin very deare, the ſeparation cannot but be very ſad. Teares may be permitted, not commanded to fall. And after the duty payd of a mournful Adieu to the beloved perſon, we muſt remember upon what terms and condition we hold of God that which wee love beſt, even to leave it at any time when God redemands it. And if beſides we have good ground to hope, that the perſon departed is received into peace and glory, we muſt praiſe God for it; which we can hardly do, as long as our obſtinate mourning repines againſt his will. Lamenting for thoſe that are well is ignorance, or envy, or ſelfe love. If we would not rejoyce when they were in affliction, why ſhould we afflict our ſelves when they are in joy?
It is ſome recompence for the death of our deare Friends, that our enemyes are mortal as well as they. A wiſe man will conſider his enemyes as rods in Gods hand, and minde the hand rather then the rod. To deſtroy our enemies when they are in our power is a childiſh folly, for ſo will Children burne their Mothers rod, as though there were no more rods in the world. Our enemies oftentimes do us more good then our friends, for the ſupport of our friends makes us careleſſe, but the oppoſition of our enemies makes us wary and induſtrious. They make us ſtrong and ſafe, for they make us flye to God.
In nothing wiſedome is more ſeene then in judging of an adverſary. A great ſerenity is requiſite, that feare make us not think him more dangerous then he is, and that pride make us not deſpiſe him, blinding our eyes not to ſee the good and evil that is in him, and what harme he may do us. It is a common and uſeful maxime for the conduct and tranquillity of mans life, that there are few great freinds, and no little enemyes.
When enemies are reconcileable, all things paſt muſt bee taken to the beſt by charitable interpretation. When there is no poſſibility of reconciliation, al things to come muſt be taken to the worſt; both to ſtrengthen us with reſolution within, and to encounter the evill without by prudence and vigorous wayes. In the reconcilement we muſt pardon freely, receive ill excuſes, and if there be an offence which cannot be excuſed, never mention it. The remedy of injuries is oblivion.
If an enemy can neither be mitigated by charity, nor overcome by ſtrength, nor avoyded by prudence, there remaineth ſtill unto the wiſe Chriſtian an intrenchment, out of which he cannot be forced, which is a good conſcience, and the peace of God in it. Theſe he muſt cheriſh and keep faſt, not onelyonly as his laſt intrenchment, but his onelyonly poſſeſſion, and the ſtrong hold only worth keeping: It is impregnable as long as faith and love are the Garriſon.