Knowledge and Practice, Part 2 · Chapter 11
CHAP. XI. Of the duties of Husband and Wife.
I Shall firſt ſpeak of the Duties common to both, and then more particularly of thoſe that belong to each of them ſeverally.
They owe to each other
Love.
Faithfulneſſe.
Helpfulneſſe.
I. Love. There ought to be a firm and inviolable love between them; grounded on Gods Ordinance and their own Covenant (and not meerly on natural or civil reſpects) and being ſo neerly united, and made one fleſh, they ſhould have but one heart. They ſhould have the greateſt tenderneſſe, and kindneſs for each other imaginable. If any unkindneſſe ſhould at any time happen to ariſe between them, they ſhould never ſleep in diſpleaſure; but both readily agree to a ſpeedy reconcilement: The Sun ſhould not go down on their wrath. Love muſt ſweeten all their ſpeeches, carriage, and actions towards each other. 'Tis love will make all the duties of a married life eaſie, and all the cumbers and croſses, tolerable. This love muſt for meaſure, exceed and ſurpaſſe their love to any other creature. There muſt be between them both the love of goodwill, deſiring heartily the welfare of each other, and the love of complacency, delighting in each other. Want of love between man and wife is no mean ſin.
II. Faithfulneſſe, and that of ſeveral ſorts.
1. That of the bed. They muſt keep themſelves pure & chaſt from all ſtrange embraces; and with the greateſt abhorrence deteſt any motion or temptation that way. They muſt not embrace the boſom of a ſtranger, Prov. 5.20. They muſt be conſtant to each other, and confident of each other. Jealouſie is the paſport of love.
2. They muſt keep each others ſecrets.
3. Conceal each others infirmities.
4. Be faithful to each other in the mannaging their worldly affairs.
5. If any difference ariſe, not let it take vext: for jars concealed are half reconciled; whereas if they be once divulged, 'tis a double labour to make up the breach, and ſtop the mouths of people abroad.
III. Helpfulneſſe. They are to be mutuall helpers each to other, both in ſpiritual and temporal things.
1. They ſhould endeavour to help one another on towards Heaven; to promote and encreaſe knowledge and Holineſs in each others ſouls; deſigning to meet together, and live together for ever in Heaven. They ſhould pray together and for each other, 1 Pet. 3.7. They ſhould faithfully, wiſely, and lovingly admoniſh one another of any failings they diſcern in each other. This is (of all other) the trueſt and most valuable love. Nay indeed, How can it be ſaid, they do love at all, if they can contentedly let each other run on in a courſe that will bring them to eternal miſery. True love is ſoul love: And if the love of Husband and Wife be thus grounded in Religion, and Piety, and a care of each others ſouls, it will make their lives a kind of Heaven upon earth. 'Twill prevent thoſe contentions, heart burnings and brawls ſo fatal to many Families. They will like Zachary and Elizabeth, labour to walk before the Lord blameleſſe: They will endeavour to plant Religion in their Family; and be examples of Piety, prudence and goodneſſe to thoſe among whom they live.
2. They are to be mutual helpers to each other in natural and civil reſpects. They are to comfort and cheriſh one another both in health and ſickneſſe, in proſperity and adverſity: They are to adviſe and aſſiſt each other in a right governing their Family, and in a prudent mannaging their eſtate and worldly affairs: And in a word, they are to endeavour to make their paſſage through this world as comfortable to each other as they can.
So much in general, for the duties common to both.
I now come to ſpeak more particularly of the duties belonging to each of them ſeverally. And firſt, of the duties of the Husband.
I. The first duty the Husband owes to his Wife, is love. How great this love ſhould be, the Apoſtle intimates by the ſimilitudes he uſes in this matter. The one of that Chriſt bears to his Church, Eph. 5.25. Husbands love your Wives, even as Christ alſo loved the Church, and gave himſelf for it. The other, of that a man bears to himſelf, v. 31. Let every one of you in particular, ſo love his wife even as himſelf. Now every one knows and feels how he loves himſelf. A mans love to himſelf, hath theſe properties.
1. 'Tis cordial, without diſſimulation. Many a man feigns love and friendſhip to others, but no body is inſincere and falſe in his love to himſelf: Such a love ſhould a man bear to his Wife. As Jonathans heart was knit to David, 1 Sam. 18.1. And he loved him as his own ſoul; ſo ought the Husband to love his Wife. The Apoſtle tels us, 1 Cor. 13.5. Charity is not eaſily provoked. True, fervent, cordial love is long ſuffering, and beareth with many infirmities and weakneſses, and covereth a multitude of offences, 1 Pet. 4.8.
2. 'Tis conſtant. 'Tis ſo natural, nothing can make it ceaſe: Though a man hath been handſom, and is by ſickneſſe become deformed; though he hath been healthy, and is become ſickly; though he hath been patient, and is now grown cholerick; yet he ſtill loves himſelf: So, no accidental change or defect ſhould leſſen a mans love to his Wife.
3. 'Tis very tender. How tenderly does a man treat himſelf when ſick? If he have a ſore eie, How careful is he of it? Such ought a mans affection be to his Wife; expreſſing it ſelf in a tender regard of her, in ſickneſſe, as well as health. The man ought to look upon his Wife as the tenderer part of himſelf, or (as the Apoſtle phraſes it) as the weaker veſſel, 1 Pet. 3.7. Which muſt not be a cauſe of contempt, but rather of reſpect and regard: And the more weak ſhe is in reſpect of any ſickneſſe, or the like, ſo much the more tender care ought he to have of her. No man ever hated his own fleſh, (ſaies the Apoſtle) but nouriſheth and cheriſheth it, Eph. 5.29. The Husband therefore muſt not do any thing that may be hurtful or grievous to his Wife, no more than he would cut and gaſh his own fleſh. For my part, I know no Law of God or man, that allows the Husband a power to beat his Wife: He is indeed to govern her; but he is to do it by wiſe, loving, amiable counſel, not by ſtripes. The civil Law is ſtrict againſt it, Cod. 5. And among Heathens, we read not of any, except ſuch as were mad or drunk, practiſing this unnatural cruelty. The Husband therefore ſhould mannage that authority and ſuperiority which God hath given him over his Wife, wiſely, mildly, amiably. He ſhould remember, all Government is ordained by God for the good of the whole, and not the pleaſure only of the Governour: Therefore all harſhneſſe and roughneſſe, and ſuch tyrannical carriage is utterly unallowable on the Husbands part towards his Wife.
4. 'Tis pure. Not for baſe and ſiniſter ends: He does not love himſelf becauſe he is a healthy man, a handſom man, a rich man; but 'tis purely himſelf (becauſe 'tis himſelf) that he loves. Such ought a mans love to his Wife to be; not only becauſe ſhe is fair, or rich, or young; but becauſe ſhe is his Wife. A man may look abroad in the world, and ſee others healthier, handſomer, richer, wittier than himſelf; yet (I hope) he does not thereupon fall in love with them, and ſlight and neglect himſelf: So a man is to love his wife purely for this reaſon, becauſe ſhe is his Wife. Though he is not bound to think her the beſt accompliſhed woman in the world, yet he is to love her, like her, delight in her more than any woman in the world.
So much for the first Duty the man owes to his Wife, Love, and the degree of it.
II. The next is Inſtruction. The Husband is to inſtruct the wife in the things that concern her everlaſting welfare, if ſhe be ignorant of them. Thus Paul bids the wives learn of their husbands at home, 1 Cor. 14.35. Which ſuppoſes the Husband is to teach her. This ſhould make men careful to get knowledge themſelves, that ſo they may perform this duty they owe to others.
III. Maintenance. He is to maintain her, provide for her, and allow her things convenient and fit according to his eſtate, and to let her partake with him in thoſe outward good things wherewith God hath bleſſed him: And as he is not by niggardize, to deny her what is fit for her, ſo neither muſt he by his unthriftineſſe waſt his goods, and ſo make himſelf unable to ſupport her; if God take him away before her, he is to provide for her comfortable ſubſiſtence (according to his ability) and not to beat her when he is dead (as one phraſes it) by leaving her an inſufficient and too ſhort an allowance.
I come now to ſpeak of the Duties of the Wife.
The Wife owes to her Husband,
I. Subjection, Eph. 5.22. Wives ſubmit your ſelves unto your own husbands as unto the Lord. Col 3.18. Wives ſubmit your ſelves unto your own husbands as it is fit in the Lord. 1 Pet. 3.1. Likewiſe ye wives be in ſubjection to your own husbands, &c. V. 5.—Being in ſubjection to their own husbands.
Beſides theſe Scripture-Commands there are ſeveral reaſons for it.
1. From the Creation.
1. The man was first created, 1 Tim. 2.13. Adam was first formed, then Eve.
2. The woman was made of the man, and not the man of the woman, 1 Cor. 11.8. For the man is not of the woman, but the woman of the man.
3. The woman was made for the man, not the man for the woman, Gen. 2.18. And the Lord God ſaid, it is not good that the man ſhould be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.
4. Nature it ſelf proclaims it in reſpect of the ſex; the female being inferiour to the male. Man is the Image and Glory of God, and the woman is the Glory of the man, 1 Cor. 11.7.
2. From the Tranſgreſſion. For the woman though the latter in Creation, yet was the former in tranſgreſſion, Gen. 3.6. And when the woman ſaw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleaſant to the eies, and a tree to be deſired, to make one wife, ſhe took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave alſo unto her husband with her, and he did eat, v. 12. And the man ſaid, the woman whom thou gaveſt to be with me, ſhe gave me of the tree, and I did eat, 1 Tim. 2.14. Adam was not deceived (i. e. firſt, and by Satan) but the woman being deceived, was in the tranſgreſſion: not only ſinning her ſelf, but drawing her husband into tranſgreſſion alſo.
3. From the titles of head and guide given to the husband in the Scriptures, which declare him to be the Superiour, 1 Cor. 11.3.—The head of the woman is the man, — Eph. 5.23. For the Husband is the head of the Wife, even as Chriſt is the head of the Church — Prov. 2.17. Which for ſaketh the guide of her youth, and forgetteth the Covenant of her God.
II. Reverence. Eph. 5.33. Let the wife ſee that ſhe reverence her husband. Reverence is a mixture of love and fear.
1. The wife muſt intirely love her husband, Tit. 2.4. And deſire to do him good and not hurt all the daies of her life, Prov. 31.12. Love muſt ſweeten her whole behaviour towards him. And this love muſt proceed from a due eſtimation of him, as her Head and Guide. Judgment 'tis the ſourſe and ſpring of affection. What the mind eſteems not, the heart affects not. That which we highly prize, we dearly value. And if the wife truly eſteem her husband, her carriage and behaviour towards him will be with all ſweetneſs, amiableneſſe, and due reſpect and regard.
2. She ought to fear (not with a ſervile, ſlaviſh, but a liberal, free, ingenuous fear; like that true Converts bear to God, ſpringing from love, and joyn'd with love) least ſhe give him any just occaſion of diſpleaſure and diſcontent, 1 Cor. 7.34.— The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that ſhe may be holy, both in body, and in Spirit; but ſhe that is married, careth for the world, how ſhe may pleaſe her husband.
III. Obedience, 1 Cor. 14.34. The Apoſtle tels us, women are commanded to be under obedience, as alſo ſaith the Law. What Law? Why, Gen. 3.16. Thy deſire ſhall be to thy husband, and he ſhall rule over thee. Alſo, Tit. 2.5. To be diſcreet, chaſt, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the Word of God be not blaſphemed. And in 1 Pet. 3.6. Sarah is propounded as their pattern, Even as Sarah obeyed Abraham, &c. B…t what kind of obedience is it the wife is to render to the Husband? The Apoſtle tels us, Col. 3.18. Wives ſubmit your ſelves to your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Which hints to us theſe two things,
1. It muſt be done in obedience to God; to the Commandment and the Ordinance of God. It muſt be a religious, conſcientious ſubmiſſion. A Heathen woman may do all the outward duties of a good wife, for her credit ſake, or peace at home, or from principles of natural honeſty. But a Chriſtian woman beſides theſe motives, ſhould do it out of Conſcience to Gods Command, out of a deſire to pleaſe God, and to approve her heart to him, as unto the Lord, as the Apoſtle ſpeaks, Eph. 5.22. Having a reſpect to the precept and enjoynment of Chriſt. This may take away that common Objection of ſome women, if my husband do not his duty to me, Why ſhould I do mine to him? His faultineſſe and neglect of his duty, will not excuſe thy non performance of thine. For thou owest this duty not only and principally to him, but to the Lord (who requires it of thee) whether thy husband do his or no. And further, the worſe the husband is, the more need there is for the wife to carry her ſelf with ſuch gentleneſſe and ſweetneſs towards him, as may be moſt like to win him; for ſo the Apoſtle adviſes, 1 Pet. 3.1. Likewiſe ye wives, be in ſubjection to your own husbands, that if any obey not the Word, they alſo may without the Word be won by the converſation of the wives.
The diſcreet kind & loving behaviour of the wife towards her husband (though a bad man) may be a great means to reclaim him; whereas the ill fruits of the wives unquietneſs are very notorious. How many are there, that to avoid the noiſe of a froward wife, have fallen to company keeping, and by that to drunkenneſſe, poverty, and a multitude of miſchiefs. Let all wives therefore be careful not to adminiſter ſuch a temptation.
2. It muſt be in the Lord; i. e. in all lawful commands: It muſt not extend to any thing that is against God. For otherwiſe, 'tis here, as in the caſe of other Superiours: God muſt be obeyed rather than man. If the Husband command a thing though not unlawful, yet very inconvenient and imprudent, let the Wife calmly and mildy ſhew him the inconveniencies thereof, and perſwade him to the contrary; but if ſhe cannot win him by fair intreaties, let her not finally refuſe to obey, nothing but the unlawfulneſſe of the command, being a ſufficient warrant for that.
And further, ſhe muſt manifeſt her obedience in two things.
1. In being willing to be admoniſhed of her husband in caſe of any failing (not returning a ſnappiſh anſwer again) but readily reforming what is amiſſe.
2. In being willing to be adviſed by him: Not but that ſhe may adviſe him in ſome caſes, and on ſome occaſions. For what a ſervant may do, much more may a wife do (as we find, 2 King. 5.3. 1 Sam. 16 15, 16.) but this muſt be done with wiſdom and diſcretion. The admonition muſt be given ſeaſonably, not as Phyſick in a fit. It muſt be done with that ſoftneſſe and mildneſs, that it may appear, 'tis love, and not anger that makes her to ſpeak.
4. And laſtly, She is to be a meet helper to him, both in ſpiritual and temporal concernments.
1. In the mannaging of domeſtical affairs, the houſe being her proper ſphear, Tit. 2.5. The Apoſtle ſaies, Wives ſhould be keepers at home: Not daughters of Dinah, but of Sarah. They muſt have a vigilant and watchful eye over the affairs of the Family. They must guide the houſe, as 'tis, 1 Tim 5.14. Every wiſe woman Solomon ſaies, Prov. 14 1. buildeth her houſe; but the fooliſh plucketh it down with her hands. Prov. 31 27. She looketh well to the waies of her houſhold, and eateth not the bread of Idleneſſe.
2. She muſt bear a part in all the croſſes and troubles that the Providence of God ſhall cast upon them.
3. She must be a chearer and comforter of him in health and ſickneſſe. What ſhall we think then of thoſe women, who in ſtead of being a comfort, are a continual diſquiet to their husbands? Like Eve, in ſtead of being helpers, prove tempters, and hinderers and drawers off from God and Godlineſſe. Certainly, there is no outward condition in this world, ſo comfortable, as the married, when things are carried between man and wife, with pietie, wiſdom, and love; and none more miſerable, where things are otherwiſe.
Gen. 2.18. And the Lord God ſaid. it is not good that the man ſhould be alone, I will make him an help meet for him.
V. 21. And the Lord God cauſed a deep ſleep to fall upon Adam, and he ſlept, and he took one of his ribs, and cloſed up the fleſh in ſtead thereof.
V. 22. And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made be a woman, & brought her unto the man.
V. 23. And Adam ſaid, this is now bone of my bones, and fleſh of my fleſh, ſhe ſhall be called woman, becauſe ſhe was taken out of man.
V. 24. Therefore ſhall a man leave his Father and his Mother, and ſhall cleave unto his wife, and they ſhall be one fleſh
Prov. 5.18. — Rejoyce with the wife of thy youth.
V. 19: Let her be as the loving Hind, and pleaſant Roe; let her breaſts ſatisfie thee at all times, and be thou raviſhed alwaies with her love.
Eph. 5.25. Husbands, love your wives, even as Chriſt alſo loved the Church, and gave himſelf for it.
V. 28. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies, he that loveth his wife, loveth himſelf.
V. 29. For no man ever yet hated his own fleſh, but nouriſheth and cheriſheth it, even as the Lord the Church.
V. 31. For this cauſe ſhall a man leave his Father and Mother, and ſhall be joyned unto his wife, and they two ſhall be one fleſh.
V. 33. Nevertheleſſe let every one of you in particular ſo love his wife, even as himſelf, and the wife ſee that ſhe reverence her husband.
Col. 3.19 Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.
1 Pet. 3.7. Likewiſe ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife as unto the weaker veſſel, and as being heirs together of the Grace of life, that your prayers be not hindred.
Eph. 5.22. Wives, ſubmit your ſelves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
V. 23. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Chriſt is the head of the Church, and he is the Saviour of the body.
V. 24. Therefore, as the Church is ſubject unto Chriſt, ſo let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
V. 33. Nevertheleſs, let every one of you in particular ſo love his wife even as himſelf, & the wife ſee that ſhe reverence her husband.
Col. 3.18. Wives, ſubmit your ſelves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.
1 Pet. 3.1. Likewiſe ye wives, be in ſubjection to your own husbands, that if any obey not the Word, they alſo may without the Word be won by the converſation of the wives,
V. 2. While they behold your chaſt converſation, coupled with fear.
V. 3. Whoſe adorning, let it not be that outward adorning, of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of Gold, or of putting on of apparel.
V. 4. But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the Ornament of a meek and quiet Spirit, which is in the ſight of God, of great price.
V. 5. For after this manner in the old time, the holy women alſo who truſted in God, adorned themſelves, being in ſubjection unto their own husbands.
V. 6. Even as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him Lord, whoſe daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.
1 Tim. 2.11. Let the woman learn in ſilence, with all ſubjection.
V. 12. But I ſuffer not a woman to teach, nor to uſurp authority over the man, but to be in ſilence.
V. 13. For Adam was firſt formed, then Eve.
V. 14. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived, was in the tranſgreſſion.
V. 15. Notwithſtanding ſhe ſhall be ſaved in childbearing, if ſhe continue in Faith, and Charity, and Holineſſe with ſobriety.
Tit. 2, 4. That they may teach the young women to be ſober, to love their husbands, to love their Children.
V. 5. To be diſcreet, chaſt, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the Word of God be not blaſphemed.
Prov. 19.14. Houſe and riches are the inheritance of Fathers; and a prudent wife is from the Lord.
Prov. 12.4. A vertuous woman is a Crown to her husband; but ſhe that maketh aſhamed is as rottenneſs in his bones.
Prov. 18.22. Whoſe findeth a wife, findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord.
Prov. 19.13. A fooliſh ſon is the calamity of his Father, and the contentions of a wife are a continual dropping.
Prov. 27.15. A continual dropping in a very rainy day, and a contentions woman are alike.
Prov. 21.9. It is better to dwell in a corner of the houſe top, than with a brawling woman in a wide houſe.
V. 19. It is better to dwell in the wilderneſſe, than with a contentious and an angry woman.
Prov. 31.10. Who can find a vertuous woman? for her price is far above Rubies.
V. 11. The heart of her husband doth ſafely truſt in her, ſo that he ſhall have no need of ſpoil.
V. 12. She will do him good, and not evil all the daies of her life.
V. 13. She ſeeketh wool and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.
V. 14. She is like the Merchants ſhips, ſhe bringeth her food from afar.
V. 15. She riſeth alſo while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her houſhold, and a portion to her maidens.
V. 16. She conſidereth a field, and buyeth it; with the fruit of her hands ſhe planteth a vineyard.
V. 17. She girdeth her loins with ſtrength, and ſtrengtheneth her arms.
V. 18. She perceiveth that her merchandiſe is good; her candle goeth not out by night.
V. 19. She layeth her hands to the ſpindle, and her hands hold the diſtaffe.
V. 20. She ſtretched out her hand to the poor, yea, ſhe reacheth forth her hands to the needy.
V. 21. She is not afraid of the ſnow for her houſhold, for all her houſhold are clothed with Scarlet
V. 22. She maketh her ſelf coverings of tapeſtry, her clothing is ſilk and purple.
V. 23. Her husband is known in the gates, when he ſitteth among the Elders of the Land.
V. 24. She maketh fine linnen, and ſelleth it, and delivereth girdles unto the Merchant.
V. 25. Strength and honour are her cloathing, and ſhe ſhall rejoyce in time to come.
V. 26. She openeth her mouth with wiſdom, and in her tongue is the Law of kindneſſe.
V. 27. She looketh well to the waies of her houſhold, and eateth not the bread of Idleneſſe.
V. 28. Her children ariſe up, and call her bleſsed, her husband alſo, and he praiſeth her.
V. 29. Many daughters have done vertuouſly, but thou excelleſt them all.
V. 30. Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman that feareth the Lord, ſhe ſhall be praiſed.
V. 31. Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her own works praiſe her in the gates.