Early Piety Exemplified, Part 2
II. His PIETY.
Tho' a fine Carriage was the leaſt thing that ever he affected, yet a Good Nature made him dear to thoſe that were familiar with him. He was always very obliging and officious, and more ready to do, than others could be to ask a good turn at his hands: But he was above all happy, by being Early in pure Religion.
The Common Effects of ſuch a Piou… Education, as the Family in which he lived afforded unto him, were ſeen even in his Childhood; and ſecret Prayer became very betimes one of his Infant Exerciſes. He does in his MSs. particularly take notice of a Scripture Copy ſet for him when he learned to Write, as a thing that had much Efficacy on him; but when he was Twelve (or more) Years old, more powerful Convictions did the Spirit of God ſet home upon him than he had been uſed unto; ſome Records therefore I find in his Papers, with this Clauſe in the Head of the Account, Rejoyce O my Soul, for the Lord has dealt bountifully with thee. Now it was that he allowed his Pen to write theſe, among other Expreſſions of his Trouble about his Eſtate.
Feb. 19. 1682.
What ſhall I do? What ſhall I do to be ſav'd? Without a Chriſt I am undone, undone, undone for Evermore! O Lord, let me have Chriſt, tho' I lye in the Mire for ever! O for a Chriſt! O for a Chriſt! a Chriſt! Lord, Give me a Chriſt or I dye!
It was now another of his Regiſtred Meditations.
I have been in a Great Heſitancy, whether I ſhould chooſe Jeſus Chriſt, for my Prophet, Prieſt and King, with all his Inconveniencies, to take up my Croſs and follow him: Wherefore I do now take him as mine; my whole Chriſt, and my only Chriſt; and I am reſolved to ſeek him. All that I have ſhall be at his Service, and all my Members, and all my Powers, ſhall endeavour his Glory.
And yet again there were theſe Conſiderations in his Mind.
Had I not better ſeek the Lord Chriſt, while I have a Time of Proſperity and Peace, while he offers himſelf to me, ſaying, Come unto me, and I will ſave thee, and lay all thy Burdens upon me, and I will ſuſtain thee: Than in Affliction to cry, and not be heard? when he ſtretcheth forth his Hand and ſays, Believe on me and thou ſhalt be ſaved; and now to Day he offers himſelf, ſhall I refuſe, and ſay, Lord, To Morrow?
No ſurely. And theſe pathetical Groans then likewiſe got a Room in his Papers.
O that I had a Chriſt! O that I had Him who is the Delight of my Soul! Then, O then I ſhould be perfectly Bleſſed, and want no food that would make me ſo!
This is a Copy of the Paſſages then Recorded in this Young Believers Diary.
Thus did he now Labour to affect his own Soul with his own State, and leave things no more at peradventures between God and him. He read many ſavoury Books about Faith, and Repentance, and Converſion, and he Tranſcribed many Notes therefrom, not reſting ſatisfied within himſelf, until he had ſome experience of a true Regeneration. Among other workings of his Heart at this Age, his Papers have ſuch things as theſe.
Reaſons for my ſpeedy cloſing with Jeſus Chriſt.
Firſt, It's the Command of Jeſus Chriſt, that I ſhould come unto him.
Secondly, Jeſus Chriſt Invites me alſo in Matt. 11. 28. Come unto me.
Thirdly, He hath laid me under many Obligations, to turn unto him, in that he hath recovered me from Sickneſs ſo often, and now given me a curious Study.
Fourthly, In that I have vow'd unto the Lord, if he would do ſo and ſo for me, I would make a ſolemn Covenant with him, and endeavour to ſerve him.
And again elſewhere.
O that God would help me to ſeek Him while I am Young! O that he would give unto me His Grace! However, I will lay my ſelf down at his Feet. If he Save me, I ſhall be happy for ever; if he Damn me, I muſt Juſtifie him. O thou Son of God, have mercy on me! I know not what to ſay, but I will take thee at thy Word: Thou ſayſt, Come unto me; my Soul anſwers, Lord, at thy Command I will come.
He thus continued following hard after God, enjoying and anſwering many ſtriveings of his Holy Spirit until he was about Fourteen Years Old.
In this time he did not a little acquaint himſelf with profitable Godlineſs, being frequent and fervent in his Prayers to God upon all occaſions, and careful not only to hear Sermons, but alſo to conſider after them what Improvement he ſhould make of what he heard. Not only his Prayers, but his Praiſes too now took notice of even the ſmalleſt Affairs before him. I know not whether you can ſee any thing Childiſh, I am ſure I ſee ſomething ſerious, in a paſſage or two that I ſhall fetch out of his Diary, written when he was about Thirteen years old: On March 13. he wrote, This day I received of my Father, that famous Work, The Biblia Polyglotta, for which I deſire to praiſe the Name of God: Again on June 29 he wrote, This day my Brother gave me Schindlers Lexicon, a Book for which I had not only longed much, but alſo prayed unto God: Bleſſed be the Lords Name for it. The Thoughts of Death alſo now found a Lodging in his Heart, and he Rebuked himſelf becauſe he had been ſo much without them. Tho' at this Age for the moſt part, Perſons think of any thing, every thing more than of their dying day. And his writings diſcovered him to be pec…liarly affected with that Ancient Hiſtory (or Apologue) of him who after a diſſolute and ungodly Youth, going to repent in Age, heard that Voice from Heaven to him, Des illi Furfurem cui dediſti Farinam: The Devil had thy Flower, and thou ſhalt not bring thy Bran to me.
Self-Examination was alſo become one of his Employments; and once particularly in one of his Diaries, he does thus expreſs himſelf.
April 8. 1683.
This Morning I was much caſt down with the ſenſe of my Vileneſs. I Examin'd,
I. What Sins I had that were not Mortified: 1. My ſin of Pride. 2. My ſin of Ʋnthankfulneſs. 3. My not improving the means of Grace, as I ought to do.
II. What Graces I find need of. 1. Converting and Regenerating Grace. 2. Humiliation for my many Sins againſt ſuch a good God as the Lord is.
III. What Mercies I had received, for which I deſire to bleſs the Lords Name. 1. He hath given me to be born of Godly Parents. 2. I have always had the means of Grace lengthen'd out unto me. 3. The Lord hath graciouſly pleaſed to give me ſome anſwers of Prayer. 1. As to the lengthning out of my Health. 2. As to the Increaſe of my Library, What ſhall I render to the Lord for all his loving kindneſs towards me? I reſolved to Dedicate my ſelf wholly to God and his Service.
And he did accordingly.
This Year did not roll about, before he had in a manner very ſolemn entred in to Covenant with God. This weighty and awful thing was not raſhly done by him, or in a ſudden Flaſh and Pang of Devotion: He Thought, he Read, he Wrote, and he Prayed not a little before this Glorious Tranſaction between God and him, and upon Mature Deliberation, he judged it moſt adviſeable for him to make his Covenant with God as Explicit as Writing and Signing could render it; that ſo it might leave the more Impreſſion upon his Heart and Life, and be an Evidence likewiſe, which in Temptation or Deſertion he might have recourſe unto: Wherefore he ſet apart a Time for (I think) ſecret Faſting and Prayer before the Lord, and then behold how this Young Man counting it high time for him to be bound out unto ſome Service, took a courſe for it: He ſubſcribed an holy Covenant, of which this was the Matter, this the Form.
The Covenrnt between God and my Soul, renewed; confirmed, and ſigned, Nov. 22. 1683.
Whereas not only the Commands of God, [who hath often called upon me, by his Word Preached, to give up my ſelf, both Body and Soul, to be at his Diſpoſal, which calls by the publick Miniſtry, were enough to engage me unto this] but alſo the Chriſtian Religion which I profeſs, and my Baptiſm in which I took the Lord to be my God, and promiſed to Renounce the World, the Fleſh, and the Devil, and to dedicate my ſelf unto the Service, Work, and Will of God, do bind me hereunto; In that God is ſuch a God as deſerves this, yea infinitely more than this, at my hands; my Creator, the Fountain of my Being; my Preſerver, my Benefactor, my Lord, my Soveraign, my Judge; He in whoſe Hands my Life, my Breath, and all my concerns are; He that doth protect me from all Dangers, and ſupply me in all wants, ſupport me under all Burdens, and direct me in all ſtreights; He alone that can make me happy or miſerable; He alone that can ſave me or damn me; He alone that can give inward Peace and Joy, that is my Friend, my God; In that, Self-Dedication is the Creatures Advancement▪ theſe Firſt-fruits, if in Sincerity, putting upon me a Gloriouſneſs and Excellency.
In that Felicity hereafter depends upon my dedicating of my ſelf unto God now.
In that this is the higheſt piec… of Gratitude I am capable of expreſſing unto God, and I know no better way to Obey the Will of God, than firſt to give up my ſelf unto him.
And whereas the Mercies which the Lord hath been pleaſed graciouſly to beſtow upon me, are ſo many, that even bare Morality, doth ſhew me that I can never enough requite one that hath done ſo much for me, except by giving up my ſelf wholly to him.
[1669] Whereas God hath given me a Godly Father and Mother.
[1674] In that when I was like to dye, being twice ſick of a Feaver, God was pleaſed to bleſs means for my Recovery, and lengthen out the Thread of my Life▪
[1675] Whereas, when I by an Accident fell down, and had like to have been deprived of the uſe of my Tongue, God was in his good Providence graciouſly pleaſed to give me the uſe of it.
[1678] Whereas, when I was ſick of the Small-Pox, God was pleaſed to bleſs means for my Recovery. Whereas, then I made Promiſes unto God, that if he would give me my Health, I would endeavour to become a New Creature, and he hath done ſo for theſe five Years: And whereas God hath of late been beſtowing many and wonderful mercies upon me, What can I do leſs than give up my ſelf wholly to him?
Which now I do.
And, O Lord God, I beſeech thee to accept of thy Poor Prodigal, now proſtrating of himſelf before thee. I confeſs, O Lord, I have fallen from thee by my Iniquity, and am by nature a Son of Hell; but of thy Infinite Grace thou haſt promiſed Mercy to me in Chriſt, if I will but turn unto thee with all my Heart: Therefore upon the Call of thy Goſpel, I come in, and from the bottom of my Heart I renounce all thy Enemies; with whom I confeſs I have wickedly ſided againſt thee, firmly Covenanting with thee, not to allo… my ſelf in any known Sin, but co…ſcientiouſly to uſe all means which … know thou haſt preſcribed, for the u…ter deſtruction of all my Corruptions.
And whereas I have inordinately I out my Affections upon the World, here reſign my Heart unto thee th… made it; humbly Proteſting before t… Glorious Majeſty, that it is the fin… Reſolution of my Heart (and that I … unfeignedly deſire Grace from thee, th… when thou ſhalt call me thereunto, … may put in practice my Reſolution through thine Aſſiſtance, to forſake … that is dear unto me in the World, r…ther than to turn from thee to t… ways of ſin; and that I will watch again… all it's Temptations, whether of Proſperty or Adverſity, leſt they ſhould wit…draw my Heart from thee, beſeechi… thee to help me.
I renounce all my own Righteouſneſ… and acknowledge that of my ſelf I a… helpleſs and undone, and without Rig…teouſneſs.
And whereas, of thy bottomleſs Mercy, thou haſt offer'd to accept of … and to be reconciled to me, and … be my God, through Chriſt, if I woul… accept of thee, I do this day avouch thee to be the Lord my God. I do here take the Lord Jehovah, Father, Son, and Holy Ghoſt, for my portion and chief Good, and do give up my ſelf Body and Soul for thy Servant, promiſing to endeavour to ſerve thee in Righteouſneſs and Holineſs. I do here alſo on the bended knees of my Soul, accept of the Lord Jeſus Chriſt as the only and living Way, by which ſinners may have acceſs to thee, and do here joyn my ſelf in a Marriage-Covenant with him. O Lord Jeſus, I come to thee, hungry, poor, miſerable, blind, and naked, and a moſt loathſome Creature, a condemned Malefactor: Who am I, that I ſhould be Married unto the King of Glory!
I do accept of thee for my Head and Husband, and embrace thee in all thy Offices. I renounce my own Worthineſs, and do chooſe thee the Lord my Righteouſneſs. I do renounce my own Wiſdom, and do take thine for my Guide. I take thy Will for my Will, and thy Word for my Law. I do here willingly put my Neck under thy Yoke; I do ſubſcribe to all thy Laws as Holy, Juſt, and Good; and do promiſe to take them as the Rule of my Thoughts, Words, a… Actions; but becauſe I am ſubject … many failings, through frailty; I do he… proteſt, here before thee, that unallo…ed miſcarriages, contrary to the conſta… bent of my Heart, ſhall not diſan… this everlaſting Covenant.
Nathanael Mathe…
It may juſtly be taken for granted, th… ſuch a work as this, would have an infl…ence into his Converſation afterwards and ſo it had, producing in him, a Conve…ſation which became the Goſpel of Chriſt. H… kept waiting upon God, not only in t… Family, but alſo under the Miniſtry of t… that were near a-Kinn unto him; namely his Father and his Brother, whereby th… Grace thus begun in him was not a li…tle cheriſhed and promoted: And unt… all known ſins he now kept ſaying, as… find once in Short-hand written by him.
To my Luſts.
I have had Communion with you all th… while, but I dare not have ſo any longer Wherefore I renounce all Communion with y… any more; I will cleave to the God that made m…
But a Year or two after this, it was wit… him, as I have obſerved it is too commonly with ſuch as are Converted betimes unto God. An unhappy gradual Apoſtacy carried him aſide from thoſe degrees of ſeriouſneſs and intenſeneſs in divine things, which he had been uſed unto: 'Tis poſſible an entanglement in a Familiarity with ſome that were no better than they ſhould be, did abate of the good ſavour which had been upon him, and decoy him by inſenſible ſteps to ſome vanities (tho' not to any ſcandalous immoralities) that were diſadvantageous to him. For divers Months he ſeemed ſomewhat, yet not totally, much leſs finally, forſaken of that Wiſdom and Vertue which he had before been an example of; but the good Spirit of God will not let go his Intereſt in a Soul of which he hath taken a ſaving hold. This Young Man ſoon entertained juſt reſentments of his own declenſions, and it was impoſſible for the moſt Badger-tooth'd malice in the World to aggravate any of his Errors half ſo much as he did himſelf in his own Repentance for them. In the Year 1685. God viſited him with ſore Terrors and Horrors in his wounded Soul, the anguiſh whereof he thought intolerable; yet he made not his condition known to any Body all the while. He could ſay, My complaint is not to man, but he made it unto the Lord; This poor man cryed and the Lord heard, and delivered him out of his diſtreſſes. He arrived in time unto ſome ſettlement and renewal of his Peace with God: He confeſſed and bewailed his own ſins before the Lord, and declared his deteſtation of them, and applyed himſelf unto the Lord Jeſus Chriſt for Salvation from them all. Good terms being thus eſtabliſh't between the Almighty Lord and this Immortal Soul, he maintained, I think, a conſtant and an even Walk with God, until he dyed. I find now that Language in his MSS: Let me be as active a Servant of Christ, as I was of Satan heretofore. For more than the three laſt years of his Life, he lived at a ſtrange rate for Holineſs and Gravity▪ and retired Devotions. He read Mr. Scudders Chriſtians daily walk, and Dr. Owen of Spiritual Mindedneſs, and had a reſtleſs raging Agony in his Mind unti… the Methods of Religion adviſed by thoſ… worthy Men, were Exemplified in his own Behaviour. 'Tis a note in one o… his Diaries,
O my great unprofitableneſs under th… means of Grace! I have cauſe to bleſs God for ever for the Writings of that never enough to be admired and loved by me, Dr. Reynolds, and for the Light I have received thereby, concerning the ſinfulneſs of Sin; as alſo that excellent Book of him whom I ſhall always honour, Dr. Owen of Spiritual-mindedneſs, and Mr. Scudders Chriſtians daily Walk, by which three Books I have profited more than by any other (S. Scripturis exceptis) in the World.
He was at firſt ſurprized, at the meaſure of Spiritual-mindedneſs, without which that great Saint, Dr. Owen! apprehends the Life and Peace of Souls to labour under prejudice; and he thought a Mind ſwallowed up in ſuch Heavenly Frames and Works as were needful thereunto, almoſt wholly to be deſpair'd of; until (as himſelf a few hours before he dyed ſaid unto me) he deem'd he ſaw an Inſtance of ſuch a Walk with God, not very far from the place of his abode: To which purpoſe his reſerv'd Papers have a large Diſcourſe, of which this is in the Concluſion: There might be a greater Progreſs in Religion, than is commonly thought for. What have I Examples for, but to imitate them? Abraham is fam'd for believing ſo ſtrongly, when he had no Example before him: Let me try and ſee, whether I having ſuch opportunities may not arrive to as high a pitch in Chriſtianity, as any that I have known. He then in the ſtrength and thrô the Love of God ſet himſelf into a vvay of ſtrict, ſecret, laborious Devotion vvhereby thô none but God and He fill'd the Theatre, vvhichwhich he acted upon, he vvould be in the Fear of the Lord all the day long. He withdrew from the delight of this World, and gave himſelf up to an aſſiduous Contemplation of God and Chriſt, and a ſedulous endeavour after utmoſt conformity unto him: Thus … kept abounding in the Work of the Lord until three Years of wonderful Holineſs had ripened him for eternal Happineſs.
My Account of him will be an unfiniſhed Piece, unleſs all the enſuing ſtroke go to make it up. Theſe things he was Exemplary for.
Firſt, He was one that walked by RƲLE He was very Studious to learn the wa… of converſing with God in every Duty and there vvas a Rule which he attended ſtill unto.
In his private Papers, I find a wi… Collection of Rules, by which he gover…ed himſelf in the ſeveral Duties of Chr…ſtianity, and in all the Seaſons and Stations of his Life. He conſulted the beſt Authors for Inſtruction in the Affairs of practical Religion, and not into Paper only, but into Action to be tranſcribed what he moſt approved; in all which The Will of God was the bright Pole-Star by which he ſteer'd his Courſe.
The Reader ſhall enjoy (and O that he would follow) two of this Young Man's Directories: One of them was this.
I. O that I might lead a ſpiritual Life! Wherefore let me regulate my Life by the Word of God and by ſuch Scriptures as theſe.
1. For regulating my Thoughts, Jer. 4. 14. Iſa. 55. 7. Mal. 3. 17. Pſal. 104. 34. Phil. 4. 8. Prov. 23. 26. Deut. 15. 9. Eccleſ. 10. 20. Prov. 24. 9. Mat. 9. 4. Zech. 8. 17.
2. For regulating my Affections, Col. 3. 2, 5. Gal. 5. 24.
For my Delight, Pſal. 1. 2. Pſal. 37. 5. For my Joy, Phil. 4. 4. Pſal. 43. 4. My Deſire, Iſa. 26. 8, 9. Ezek. 7. 16. My Love, Mat. 22. 37. Pſal. 119. 97. My Hatred, Pſal. 97. 10. My Fear, Luk. 12. 4, 5. My Hope, Pſal. 39. 7. My Truſt, Pſal. 62. 8. Iſa. 26. 4.
3. For regulating my Speech, Eph. 4. 29. Col. 4. 6. Deut. 6. 6, 7. Pſal. 119. 46. Pſal. 71. 8, 24. Prov. 31. 26.
4. For regulating my Work, Tit. 3. 8. 2 Tim. 2. 12. 1 Tim. 5. 10. Titus 2. 14. Mat. 5. 47. 1 Tim. 6. 8. Rev. 3. 2. Rom. 13. 12. Act. 26. 20.
Another of them was form'd into an… Hymn, the ſinging of which might produce freſher and ſtronger Efforts of Sou… towards the thing that is good.
It ſhall be here inſerted.
Lord, vvhat ſhall I return unto
Him from vvhom all thy mercies flow?
(I.) To me to live, it Chriſt ſhall be
For all I do I'le do for Thee.
(II.) My Queſtion ſhall be oft beſide,
How thou may'ſt moſt be Glorifi'd?
(III.) I will not any Creature Love,
But in the love of Thee above.
(IV.) Thy Will I will embrace for mi…
And every management of thine
Shall pleaſe me. (V.) A Conformity
To Thee ſhall be my Aim and Eye.
(VI.) Ejaculations ſhall aſcend
Not ſeldom from me. (VII.) I'le attend
Occaſional Reflections, and
Turn all to Gold that comes to hand.
(VIII.) And in particular among
My Cares, I'le try to make my Tongue
A Tree of Life, by ſpeaking all
As be accountable who ſhall.
(IX.) But laſt, nay firſt of all, I will
Thy Son my Surety make, and ſtill
Implore him, that he would me bleſs
With ſtrength as well as Righteouſneſs.
Beſides theſe Rules which concerned his whole Walk, he Treaſur'd up many more, that referr'd to this and that ſtep in it; and it was the predominant care and watch of his Heart, not to tread awry: Thus one might ſee a skilful Chriſtian in him. And as he was deſirous to live by Precept, ſo he was to live by Promiſe too.
He fell into a particular conſideration, how to improve the Promiſes of God in all the Occaſions of life; which is indeed one of the moſt ſanctifying Exerciſes in the World.
It was a Propoſal vvhichwhich I find he mad unto himſelf.
Let me ſalute theſe Promiſes once a day.
1. For ſupplying the wants of th… day, Phil. 4. 19.
2. For Grovvth in Grace, Hoſ. 14. 5▪
3. For ſubduing my ſins, Mic. 7. 19▪
4. For ſucceſs in my undertakings Pſal. 1. 3.
5. For turning all the Events of th… day for good, Rom. 8. 28.
6. For Audience of my Prayers, Job▪ 14. 13, 14.
7. For ſtrength to manage all th… vvork of the day, Zech. 10. 12.
8. For direction in difficulty, Pſal 32. 8.
9. For Life Eternal, Luke 12. 31. Job▪ 3. 16.
Beſides theſe tvvo, Mat. 11. 28. an… Iſa. 44. 3.
Certainly that Man muſt quickly gro… another Enoch, vvho does thus Walk wi… God.
Secondly, He vvas one that lived … PRAYER. He vvas oft and long in th… Mount with God: It vvas his Cuſtom every day to enter into his Cloſet, and ſh… his door, and pray to his Father in ſecret. And I gueſs from ſome of his Writings, that he did thus no leſs than thrice a day, when he met with no Obſtruction in it: Nor did he Slubber over his Prayers vvith haſty Amputations, but vvreſtle in them for a good part of an hour together.
It vvas a moſt refreſhing Communion vvith God, vvhichwhich his Devotions brought him ſometimes unto. Thus in one of his Diaries.
Dec. 10.
I prayed earneſtly unto God,In the Margin he wrote, Remember this. earneſtly Petitioning that Jeſus Chriſt might be my compleat Redeemer. There vvas immediately ſomething that did as it were perſwade me it ſhould be ſo.
Again, Aug. 19.
My Thoughts vvere ſome little vvhile buſied about the condeſcention of Chriſt in taking of humane Nature on him; but for the moſt part in Ejaculations, and Acts of Faith on a crucified (ah! ſvveet Word) Jeſus. I ſaw I gained not much by thoſe: Wherefore I addre… ſed my ſelf to ſolemn Prayer, and ha… ſome Aſſurance in it.
Once more, Aug. 20.
I was much affected in Prayer, an… exerciſed (I hope) many Acts of Faith and Love, and Delight in God. I ſev…ral times was breaking off, but I was … it were conſtrain'd to go on in the Du… with much enlargement. Lord, anſ… me for the ſake of Chriſt.
Thus under the Fig-tree did our Lor… Jeſus often behold this Nathanael; yea unto Prayer he became ſo habituated, th… while others can Sleep in Prayer, he ſome times would pray in ſleep. He records … among his Experiences, that upon aſſault of imagined Temptations, when he has bee… aſleep, he has quickly been at Prayer; an… ſo cauſed the Phantaſms to leave annoy… ing of him.
And Extraordinary prayer was alſo wit… him not altogether extraordinary. Th… he were a Bottle that ſeemed incapabl… of holding it, yet this Wine agreed wit… him very well. As Young as he was, … knew the Myſtery of a Soul fatning … faſting, and thriving by hungring and thirsting after Righteouſneſs. He was very inquiſitive after the right way to manage a Day of Fasting and Prayer, and he would ſometimes keep ſuch a day. On ſuch a day it was his Cuſtom to make a very particular and penitent Confeſſion of all the Sins that he could perceive himſelf guilty of; and renew his Covenant with the Holy One of Iſrael; to this End, he had by him in writing a large Catalogue of things forbidden and required in the Commandments of God, which was the Glaſs in which he then viewed his wayes; and having found what Achans might procure trouble to him, he then fell to ſtoning of them. One may ſhape ſome conjecture at his Humiliations, by the Indignations with which he ſpoke, and wrote of the Vanities which his Childhood had. I came into the World (ſaith he in one of the Papers penn'd by him on a day of ſecret Faſting and Prayer, October the 17th 1685.)without the Image of the Holy God on my Soul; my Underſtanding, my Will, my Affections, and my whole Soul were altogether depraved, and wounded. When very Young I went aſtray from God, and my Mind was altogether taken with vanities and follies; ſuch as the remembrance of them doth greatly abaſe my Soul within me. Of the manifold Sins which then I was guilty of, none ſo ſticks upon me, as that being very young, I was whitling on the Sabbath-day; and for fear of being ſeen, I did it behind the door. A great Reproach of God! A Specimen of that Atheiſm that I brought into the World with me!
This was more than the more meagre and feeble ſort of Chriſtians, though much older than he, are us'd to do. But paulo majora! There was a Sublimer way of drawing near to God, which he vvas not willing to leave unattempted. He underſtood that ſecret days of Thanksgiving had not been unpractiſed by ſome vvhom he deſigned to imitate; and therefore he vvould make ſome Eſſays for ſuch an Intimate Fruition of God, and generous Devotion to him, as vvould fill ſuch days as theſe.
Hence this I find among the Records of his Soul:—
Reſolved, To ſet apart every two Months, a Day for ſolemn Examination and Meditation, to humble my ſelf; and every tvvo Months to keep a Day of private Thanksgiving.
But though his Prayers were chiefly in, yet they were not confined to his Cloſet. There vvere divers Private Praying Meetings of younger People in North-Boſton, vvhichwhich he viſited as often as he could; and one of thoſe might peculiarly be called His. Yea, it vvas his deſire, though vvith as little aim to be ſeen of men as could be, to ſupport all ſuch opportunities of Good among them, that vvere of the ſame age with him.
Wherefore I find this among the Notes in his Diary:
Queſt. What ſhall I do for God?
Anſ. It vvas ſuggeſted to me, to get ſome of my Acquaintance to ſpend ſome vvhile every Friday night in Prayer, for the Succeſs of the Work of Grace in New-England, eſpecially in Boſton, on the Souls of the Riſing Generation.
Let me propound this to ſome ſerious devout young Perſons.
Thus vvas his Prayer as it vvere his Breath, and thus he vvas always fetching of it, untll at laſt it expir'd in Praiſe, Praiſe for evermore.
Thirdly, He was one that Thought much of his GOD, and his END. There was a ſort of Heaven formed in the juſt Soul of this Young-man, by the Thoughts that were continually ſparkling there. He had an unpacifiable Diſſatisfaction at himſelf until good Thoughts were lodg'd in him, and vain ones were forced to gnaſh their teeth, and melt away: Nothing would content him, but the bringing of his Thoughts into a Subjection to the Lord Jeſus Chriſt. Wherefore he chew'd much on the excellent Sermon of Mr. Charnock, about Thoughts; which he wrote out not only with his hand, but in his heart, and made it the very Mould of his gracious Mind. There are none, but very Renew'd Souls, that are at great pains in a courſe of Meditation on the things of God. Yet this Young-man, like another Iſaac, vvas grovvn very expert at it, and frequent in it. It was his manner in the Morning to meditate very ſeriouſly and fixedly upon ſome Truth, or ſome Text, for a good part of an hour together. He had collected a good variety of Subjects and Scriptures to handle in thus communing with himſelf, and went over more than a little Divinity in this tranſcendent Exerciſe. Sometimes, when thus he ſeparated himſelf to intermeddle with all wiſdom, I find him committing his Thoughts, or ſome breviate of them, unto the durable cuſtody of his Papers; from vvhichwhich Memoirs I vvill produce but an Inſtance or tvvo of many.
Auguſt 16. 1685.
Med. about, The reaſon I have to love God; becauſe of what he has been to me, and what he is in himſelf. And I thought, Is not God the Beſt Good? Surely then he is worthy to be my Laſt End. Has he not been ſhewing many Mercies to me? and what! ſhall I not reſign up my ſelf to Live unto God, becauſe of his goodneſs to me? Much affected with the thoughts of theſe things: And, I hope, I cloſed with the Motion.
Again, October 1.
Meditated on that; If a Man does intend to be truly Religious, he muſt expect nothing but to ſave his Soul?
But how can this be true?
Muſt I loſe my Body altogether?
Muſt I be vvilling that the Ʋnion between my Body and Soul ſhould for evermore be looſed?
Muſt I be willing to be for ever without a Body? No, no.
All that the Lord requires of me, is, to have my Body for a few days or years (a few I ſay, for they cannot be many,) to be wholly at the ſervice of my Soul, and to be willing that the Ʋnion between thoſe two Mates, then ſhould be diſſolved; the Soul firſt taking its progreſs into everlaſting Bliſs; the Body being laid in the Duſt, to riſe at the Reſurrection, accompanying the Soul into its eternal Felicity.
My preſent Notion of this thing is this:
This Diſſolution of the Union between the Soul and Body, is but a Diſmiſſion of the Spirit into its happineſs, after a weariſom conflict here. And as long as it ſhall be beſt for me to be here, here I ſhall continue. Infinite Wiſdom is to be the Orderer of this; and it will be a grievous and ſhamefu… reflection thereupon, for me to ſay, It will be better for me to live, than to dye, at ſuch a time when I am called thereunto.
With my Body I muſt expect to loſe all the pleaſant Enjoyments of this World, Liberty, Library, Study, and Relations. But yet neither ſhall I loſe theſe. As for my Liberty, by True Religion, and by Dying for it too, when need requires, I ſhall gain the only Liberty, even from the body of ſin.
As for my Library, if I die for Chriſt, or in the Lord, I ſhall have no need of it. My Underſtanding ſhall be enough enlarged, and I ſhall not need to turn over Books for Learning. As for my Study (my Paradice) I ſhall have a better, a larger, and a more compleat than this.
As for my Relations, thoſe of them that are truly pious, I ſhall only go before them; and if there ſhould be any of them not pious, the longer I ſhould ſtay with them here (if they continue impenitent) it would but make my Grief more intolerable, to think vvhen I leave them, that I ſhall have no hopes to ſee them again for ever.
But this is not all neither.—
My Body muſt be uſed as the Souls Inſtrument; and here all that ſtrength and …aſe vvhichwhich I have, muſt be uſed for the Soul: And truly there is reaſon enough for it, that ſo there may be eternal happineſs for both together.
In Marriage, the Husband and Wife ſhould have the ſame deſign. Would it not be inhumane, for the one to have a deſign which tends to the ruine of the other? Juſt ſo my Soul and Body ſhould have the ſame deſign; and the Body being the more vile of the two, ſhould be ſubordinate to the Soul. And it is a neceſſary disjunction, either the Body, the ſtrength, and eaſe, and members of it, muſt be uſed for the good, or for the hurt of the Soul; there is no medium here.
Let me then herein make my Body uſeful to my Soul, in accompliſhing all the good-deſigns of it, which it is capable of being intereſted in.
Nor is there any thing elſe worth ſpeaking of that muſt be foregone, except health, and the momentaneouſneſs of all bodily Torments, will make them very tolerable.
My Reſolutions be, That I will not expect, by devoting my ſelf unto the Fear of God, to gain any thing as to my Body in this World.
That through the Grace of Chriſt, I will uſe the ſtrength, eaſe, health of my Body, yea my whole Body, in Subordination to my Soul, in the Service of the Lord Jeſus.
With ſuch Meditations as theſe, he kept mellowing of his own Soul, and preparing it for the ſtate wherein Faith is turned into Sight.
But there was yet a more delightful and ſurprizing way of Thinking, after which he did aſpire. He conſidered, that the whole Creation was full of God; and that there was not a Leaf of Graſs in the Field, which might not make an Obſerver to be ſenſible of the Lord. He apprehended that the idle Minutes of our Lives were many more than a ſhort liver ſhould allow: That the very Filings of Gold, and of Time, were exceeding precious; and, that there were little fragments of hours intervening between our more ſtated buſineſſes, wherein Thoughts of God might be no leſs pleaſant than frequent with us.
The Elegant and Excellent Meditations of Sir William Waller, had particularly affected him unto a commendable Emulation of them; and hence he did attempt to make even the more common and more trivial occurrents of humane Life, the occaſions of Great Thoughts within him. He would with the Chymiſtry of Occaſional Reflections, Diſtill ſublime Spirits from earthly Bodies; and from the view of mean things, fill his nobly imployed Mind with Leſſons and Prayers, which only the Father of Spirits was a Witneſs to.
Some of theſe his Occaſional Reflections I find in his private Papers; and one or two, for a taſte, I will beſpeak the Reader's acceptance of.
Jan. 8. A. M.
Being about to riſe, I felt the cold in a manner extraordinary; which inclin'd me to ſeek more warmth in my Bed before I roſe; but ſo extream was the cold, that this was not feaſible: Wherefore I reſolved to dreſs my ſelf without any more ado; and ſo going to the Fire in my Cloaths, I ſoon became warm enough.
Turn this, O my Soul, into an uſeful Meditation. There is a neceſſity of my riſing out of my Bed, the Bed of Security which I am under the power of, and to live unto Chriſt, and to walk in the Light.
In order hereunto, I muſt put on my poor Soul the Garments which are to be had from the Lord Jeſus. To awaken me out of my ſleep, and my ſecurity, I am to ſet before me the Sun, the Goſpel of the Sun of righteouſneſs doth inlighten my Mind, and tell me, that I was before muffled up in darkneſs; and that if I continued therein, I ſhould ſtarve and periſh. I am alſo taught, That when Men are convinced of their miſerable condition, they will rather endeavour to Eaſe, and comfort and cheriſh themſelves by ſomething in themſelves, than put on the ſpiritual Garments which the Lord Jeſus Chriſt has provided for them. An Evil to be by me avoided.
Again, another time.
Upon Water taken from the Fire, I ſaw a lukewarmneſs quickly ſeize; like the frame of Spirit, which many Pretenders to Religion have after a glorious and affectionate Profeſſion of it. Of this ſort were ſome among the Laodiceans of old; which is exceedingly diſpleaſing to the Lord Jeſus Chriſt: Whence it is that he ſaith, I will ſpew thee out of my mouth. Let me endeavour to beware of this hateful and odious frame of Spirit; and let the contrary thereto be my deſire, my endeavour.
Once more.
Among ſome Gentlemen that were ſitting in a Room illuminated with a Candle, one beginning to read unto us, there was another Candle brought unto him, for his aſſiſtance in it. Which afforded me ſuch a Meditation as this:
That thoſe who are to be Teachers of others, have need of as much light again as ordinary Chriſtians have. They, if any, need a double Portion of the Gifts that are in other Men; and the helps of Knowledge that other Perſons have, they much more ſhould be furniſh'd withal.
It was not becauſe they had better Eyes than him whoſe Office it was to Read, that they needed but one Candle, when he had two provided for him; but the Work incumbent on him, and expected from him was the occaſion of it.
But I deſign little more than a Confirmation with an Illuſtration of my Hiſtory, for which, a touch or two upon every Article will ſerve. I am now to add, That this Young Man had a Principal regard unto the Scriptures for the Subjects of his Meditations, and he was very expenſive of his Thoughts on the Book of God. He was daily digging in the ſacred Mines, and with delight he fetched thence Riches better than thoſe of both the India's; and he could ſay, O how I love thy Law! it is my Meditation every day!
Even in the time of his mortal Sickneſs, he was very angry at himſelf if he had not heard a Portion of the Bible read unto him from day to day.
Once when he was near his End, a good part of a day having paſs'd before he had enjoyed his Meal of Scripture; he ſaid unto his Siſter with ſome impatience, Alas! what an ungodly life do I lead! pray come and read my Bible to me; and read me the forty ninth Pſalm. Indeed he read the Scripture not curſorily, but very deliberately, and conſiderately; and as an effect of his doing ſo, he could give ſuch an account of the Difficulties in it, as the moſt not only of Chriſtians, but of Divines too, would judge an Attainment extraordinary. Not long before he dyed, he had read over all the large and great Annotations on the Bible, lately publiſhed by Mr. Pool, and ſome other Non-conformiſt Miniſters; but having diſpatched thoſe two noble Folios, he ſaid unto one that was intimate with him, Thus have I read the Bible, but I have now learnt a better way! And that way was this. He would oblige himſelf in reading to fetch a Note and a Prayer out of every Verſe in all the Bible; to dwell upon every verſe until it had afforded at leaſt one Obſervation, and one Ejaculation to him.
He imagined that an incredible deal both of Truth and Grace, would in this way make its impreſſion upon his Mind, (beſides what Exerciſe of Wit it muſt have call'd for) and ſo moſt certainly it would have done; but before he had made much Progreſs in it, the Chariots of God fetcht him away to that place in which a Jeſus is a Bible to the there perfect Spirits of the Righteous.
Such a thinking Perſon was he; and yet after ſo many kind of Thoughts in the day, he could not reſt a Night quietly, unleſs he compos'd himſelf for ſleeping by thinking a little more.
He knew that no better a Man than one of the Moral Heathens propounded a Nocturnal Self-Examination, as a part and cauſe of no little Wiſdom, and that much more a ſober Chriſtian ſhould endeavour to maintain a good underſtanding of himſelf, by ſuch Nightly Recollections. Wherefore before the Slumbers of the Evening, this Young Man would put three General Queſtions to himſelf, with divers particular ones that were ſubordinate thereunto. The Queſtions were,
Queſtion 1.
What has God's Mercy to me been this day?
Here he conſidered what favours God had newly ſmil'd upon his inward, or his outward man withal.
Queſtion 2.
What has my Carriage to God been this day?
Here he conſidered what frames, and words and works, and what ſnares and ſins he had newly been concerned with.
Queſtion 3.
If I dye this night, is my Immortal Spirit ſafe?
Of this he judged by his Cloſure wit… God, as his beſt good, and laſt end, and wit… Chriſt as his Prophet, and his Prieſt, an… his King, and by his Reſolution alway… to be a Witneſs for the Lord, and an En… my to every Sin: Thô ſometimes he would with a more large and long Attention Examine his own Hopes of Eternal Happineſs, for which purpoſe he had in writing by him, his Bundles of Marks and Signs, which teſtifie a Man to be born o… God. When he had thought on theſ… things, he was able to lay himſelf down … peace and ſleep; but this was a way to keep a Soul Awake.
I begin to ſuſpect that my Readers patience is almoſt expir'd; and therefore I ſhall cauſe the Remainder of this Narrative to omit where it cannot contract, what yet is well worthy to be the matter of it.
Fourthly, He was one that mortified and conquer'd the SINS which were a Vexation to him. There were ſome Sins which gave to this Young Man a more violent, and outragious diſturbance that he could without much paſſion bear… Theſe did he contrive and conflict much in his Oppoſitions to, and gave not over till he had a certain Proſpect of a Victory.
Of all the things which ever troubled him, I know not whether any were more grievous than the Blaſphemous Injections which like fiery venemous darts inflam'd ſometimes his very Soul within him.
It may be ſome Teſtimony of Sincerity, when Perſons are not a little afflicted for, as well as aſſaulted with, Blaſphemous Imaginations about God; which riſe within us in contradiction to all that Reverence of him, which we know not how to lay aſide.
This Perſon on his Death-bed complained to me, that Horrenda de Deo, Horrible Conceptions of God, buzzing about his mind, had been one of the bittereſt of all his Tryals: and I find his private Papers making ſad Lamentations over the miſeries of this annoyance. You ſhall read how he did encounter theſe Fiends, as one that was no Stranger to the Wars of the Lord.
Once in his Diary, he ſays;
Troubled exceedingly with Blaſphemons Suggeſtions, my Soul bleeds at the thoughts of them.
O that Chriſt would deliver me from them! they make my Life unpleaſant. I do believe that Satan never ſtruggled ſo hard to keep any one from Chriſt, as he has done to keep me!
From hence I learn, 1. My great Enmity to, 2. My great need of, the Lord Jeſus Chriſt.
At another time:
Troubled with Blaſphemous Thoughts, I learn from hence,
1. Seeing theſe would have me to entertain a low Eſteem of Chriſt and God,
I will endeavour to have a more high and eminent Eſteem of God and Chriſt.
2. Seeing theſe do ſo perplex me continually,
I learn, that I am unable of my ſelf to raiſe good Thoughts, much leſs to perform Good Acts of Obedience. I would be deeply humbled, that my Soul ſhould be thus defiled.
Seeing, I have often ſo much Experience and ſtirrings of Enmity in my Soul to God, I would be excited thereby more heartily to cleave unto him.
Once more,
I hope I have now got ſtrength over my Blaſphemous Thoughts, after this manner.
1. Humbling my ſelf under a ſenſe of my own vileneſs and wretchedneſs.
2. Praying earneſtly for the removal of the Enmity that is in my Soul to the things of God; eſpecially as to this matter.
Thus diſcreetly did he manage the Shield of Faith againſt thoſe barbed Arrows of Hell: Nor did his other Corruptions eſcape the Offenſive, as well as the Defenſive Weapons of his Soul.
Under the moſt furious of their Aſſaults, I find this to be one of his honourable Retreats.
For the Relief of my Soul under the Power of Corruption; Let me by Faith apply theſe Scriptures.
Firſt, Rom. 6. 14.
Secondly, Ezck. 36. 26.
Thirdly, Mic. 7. 19.
Fourthly, Zech. 13. 1.
Beſides Zech. 9. 12. Mat. 16. 18. John 12. 31. and Rom. 16. 20. and theſe Conſiderations:
Firſt, Chriſt is a compleat Redeemer, Heb. 7. 25. 1 John 1. 7. Heb. 9. 14.
Secondly, God's Infinite Power is engaged on my behalf, if I be in Covenant with him.
Thirdly, God will perfect Holineſs where he hath begun it.
In ſuch Engagements as theſe againſt his Inviſible Adverſaries he continued, untill he is now a Conquerour, and more than a Conquerour.
Fifthly, He was one that wiſely prepared for the CHANGES that were before him. It is a Remark in one of his Papers: I think it convenient for me to obſerve the Temptations, I am, …or ſhall be obnoxious to, and get ſuitable Remedies againſt them.
He ſeem'd indeed to have a ſtrange Preſage of what he was to meet withal, and O how he laid in that he might not be unprovided for it! A prudence rarely ſeen among the Children of Men, whoſe Miſery is great upon them becauſe they know not their Time.
There were eſpecially two Calamities which he had a fore-boding of, Diſmal Pain, and Early Death. As for his Pain, he was it ſeems to undergo exquiſite Anguiſhes, for many Months before his Diſſolution; but before ever it came upon him, how ſtrangely did he fortifie himſelf againſt it! He ſaid in his Diary ſome Years before he left the World,
Sept. 2.
I had not in the morning time enough for ſolemn Meditation: Great deadneſs and dulneſs was in my Heart, as to Spiritual Thoughts afterwards; the Reaſon was, becauſe I did not perform my ſolemn Meditation as I ſhould.
I had now apprehenſions that I muſt undergo ſore Tryals, and Conflicts, and great Afflictions.
Wherefore it did highly become me to get as great a meaſure of Grace, as the opportunities which I enjoy may afford, and therefore I purpoſe to be more ſerious in my Meditations, not omitting other Duties therewithal.
I ſee my Reſolutions muſt every day be renew'd, as to great diligence in my ſerving God.
And ſince I muſt expect great Afflictions, I muſt make it my daily work by ſolemn Meditation to go over the whole Body of Chriſtianity, and particularly to have daily Thoughts on the Condeſcention of Jeſus Chriſt: I muſt alſo endeavour to get a large meaſure of ſanctified knowledge; wherefore,
Firſt, There is need of Earneſt Prayer; and
Secondly, Of very holy walking.
Thirdly, Of entertaining the Truth with greateſt Affection; and
Fourthly, Looking on it as it is in Jeſus; and
Fifthly, Solemn Meditation; and
Sixthly, Much Reading; and
Seventhly, Living upon the Truths which I know, and Thankfulneſs for the Knowledge which I have already.
And at another time there was this written in his Diary.
This Morning I meditated about a part of Self-denial; Namely, the denyal of Bodily Health, and of eaſe from Torment.
My Reſolution was, that it was better to part herewithall, than to ſin. I hope there is a thorough purpoſe in my Heart to perform accordingly, when I ſhall be call'd thereunto.
I do feel the ſtirrings of ſelf in my ſelf this day: It would fain be in the Throne of God within me; but I am reſolved Chriſt ſhall be my King.
And as he thus put on the whole Armour of God, that he might be able to ſtand when he ſhould be tryed, ſo he found the benefit of it when he came into the Field. Few in the World ever bore ſuch Dolors with ſuch a ſilent and a quiet and compoſed Temper as he. Some that were intimate with him, would ſay, He was one of an Iron Patience, and they had rarely if ever ſeen ſuch a patient Patient. But his Death he ſeem'd all along moſt careful to be ready for.
In his Papers.
Meditations on the four laſt things, was a Title mentioning a Subject of his moſt ſolicitous Contemplations. Above three Years before his Tranſlation, his Diary hath ſuch a Note as this.
Speaking to Day ſomething concerning my Commencement, In the Margin he wrote, Deceived.I was ſtrangely ſurprized, and had many Thoughts, yea Perſwaſions, That I ſhould not live. He then—.
Reſt. What may be the Import hereof I cannot tell; yet I gather thus much: That it is incumbent on me without further delay, to make my Calling and Election ſure.
He hath alſo left behind him, ſome Meditations, tending to the Exerciſe of Repentance, and Faith, and Preparation for Death, as he hath himſelf intituled them; but the Reader by this time will eaſily pardon my forbearing the Communication of them.
Indeed, Preparation for Death, in one word, contains the ſubſtance of what he had been doing divers years before the King of Terrors took his Clay Houſe away.
And as he was deſirous to prepare for what Paſſive Obedience he might be put upon, ſo he was loath to have his Heart not well ordered or furniſhed, when active Obedience might be called for at his hands. Tho he never liv'd to preach any other than ſome private Sermons, yet he was not unthoughtful of the Time when publick ones might be expected from him. It may not be unuſeful for me to inſert one of his Meditations here; it runs in ſuch terms as theſe.
¶Whether I ſhould be a Miniſter?
I conſidered all Objections which Perſons might make againſt it, and anſwer'd them every one. But one Objection ſtartled me more than the reſt, to wit, Perſonal Ʋnfitneſs, from my Hebetude, or want of Invention. To which I anſwer'd, with minding that Promiſe in Exod. 3. 12. Certainly I will be with thee. And the beginning of ver. 18. They ſhall hearken to thy voice. And where God finds work, there he will give ſtrength. I likewiſe conſidered 1 Chron. 28. 10, 20. and Mat. 28. 19, 20. and Joſh. 1. 9. and Judg. 6. 12, 14.
And then I thought with my ſelf, That as for living in a remote part of the Countrey, I ſhould be willing thereunto, if ſo I might do Service for God, and bring Glory to his Name. And whilſt I was muſing on theſe things, I was melted into a frame, that I thought heretofore I ſhould never be in, namely, humble Submiſſion to the good Pleaſure of God, however he ſhould diſpoſe of me. I knew, that though I were Reproached for what meanneſs I ſhould this way be expoſed unto, there is an Anſwer in Rom. 1. 16. and in Mark 8. 38. and in Pſal. 31. 19. and in Prov. 16. 7. and in Pfal. 37. 5, 6. So were the Apoſtles, 1 Cor. 4. 3, 9. If I ſerve Chriſt, God will honour me, Joh. 12. 26.
Every one muſt own, that however ſuch things as theſe, in an old Man, may be below our Admiration; yet in a young Man, that out-lived not the Years which the Nodes of the Moon take to diſpatch a Revolution, they deſerve a Memory among them that may be Edified by ſuch Exemplary Pr…ctices. Indeed, he was himſelf Extreamly unſenſible of the leaſt worth or ſhine adorning of him; and in his whole Deportment he diſcovered a modeſt, an humble, and a deſerved mein; which might be reck…ned to bear little proportion with his other Accompliſhments, were it not that the more gracious Men are, the more humble they always are; and they are the Fulleſt and Richeſt Ears of Corn, which moſt hang down towards the Ground. But while he in a ſort wronged himſelf, to eſcape the bane and blame of Pride; it is a piece of pure Juſtice in the Survivers, to Embalm the Name of a Perſon thus deſirable, ſince he is gone thither where he has no Chaff to take fire at the ſparks of our Praiſes.
Sic oculos, ſic ille manus, ſic ora ferebat?
Such a young Man as this it is that the Church of God is now deprived of! What a Bleſſing might his Living have proved unto the World! But as the Long-liv'd▪ Patriarchs, before the Flood, have ſtill that Clauſe introduced of them, And he lyed; which Clauſe awakened and Converted a Perſon of Quality, who came in occaſionally while the Miniſter was reading the Fifth Chapter of Geneſis to the Congregation; ſo muſt I now ſay of the Short-liv'd Perſon, whom we have been paying out laſt Reſpect unto, He lived thus long in a little time, And he died.
Before I break off, I muſt relate,