Of Domestical Duties, Treatise 6 · Section 52 – Section 63
§. 52. Of the extremes contrary to a parents lawfull care in prouiding fit callings for his children.1. Extreme in the defect.
The extreme in the defect contrary to a parents prouident care in prouiding a fit calling, is, a careleſſe neglect of children after they are well educated, a leauing them to ſhift for themſelues. *Imitari noli crudelitatem earum auium quibus vngues adunciſunt: hi cùm ſuos ſenſerint foetus volandi iom poteſtatem conſequutos eſſe, alis eos verberantes ac impingentes nidis pellunt, nullam que prorſus erga illos extruſos curam d…inceps adhibent. Baſil. Hexam. hom. 8.It is noted of the rauenous fowles that hauehave ſharpe talents, that ſo ſoone as they perceiue their young ones to be able to fly, they will flap and beat them with their wings, and driue them out of their neſts, and after that take no further care of them. We may not be like ſuch cruell birds: reaſon …nd religion teacheth vsus otherwiſe. Good education is a good duty, but not a parents whole duty: the ſtay which is here made, may make all the former care and paines to be of little …ſe.
Obiect. This is to be left to Gods prouidence.
Anſw. Meanes rightly vſed are ſubordinate to Gods prouidence, and by them doth God manifeſt his prouidence and bring his counſell to paſſe: to neglect meanes is to thwart and croſſe the diuine prouidence. It is therefore well done to rely on Gods prouidence: but ill done to neglect the meanes of effecting it. Gods bleſſing is beſt diſcerned in the vſe of meanes.
The extreme in the exceſſe is a prepoſterous greedineſſe in 2. Extreme in exceſſe.parents to bring their children to a calling. This is manifeſted two waies.
1. When they care not how fit their children be for the 1. Vnfit caling.place, ſo it be a place of gaine and honour. Experience ſheweth that this is the bane of Church and commonwealth. Hereby it falleth out in the politique body, as it would in a naturall body; if the hand ſhould take vponupon it to ſee, or the leg to heare, or the foot to taſte, what could from thence be expected but ruine to the body? Tradeſ-men oft vndoe themſelues, their families and friends, by vndertaking ſuch trades as they hauehave no skill in, or whereof they are not crafts-maſters. The more excellent the calling is, the more miſchiefe is done by this greedy prepoſterouſneſſe. This extreme is ſo much worſe then the former, as it is worſe to doe much hurt, then no good.
2. When they make no conſcience of the meanes which 2. Vndue entrance.they vſe to bring their children into callings: but by vnlawfull meanes purchaſe their deſires: as, by Simony to procure an eccleſiaſticall function (whence oft followeth alſo periury) or by bribery to procure an office.
Theſe indirect meanes take away difference betwixt fitneſſe and vnfitneſſe of perſons: for the vnfitteſt that be may by money purchaſe a place. Beſides, though children be neuer ſo … for theſe callings, yet there is little hope of any bleſſing from God, when the firſt entrance is without him: yea againſt his will and word. Who can thinke that God hath placed ſuch a… one in his place? if God hauehave not placed him, with what faith can he ſeeke a bleſſing? with what hope can he expect a blessing? Much terror is by this meanes brought to many men conſcience: and they are oft in a great ſtrait, not knowing whether it be fitteſt for them to retaine, or relinquiſh the… What is to be done after one is vnlawfully ſetled in a fit calling.place.
But by the way to reſolue that doubt, if one that hath vnlawfully entred be fit for the performance of his place, it then ſafeſt for him to ſeeke pardon for the former offence, and reconciliation with God, and vponupon true and vnfained repentance to hold the place (if at leaſt the law vnderunder which he liueth eſtabliſh him therein) and be ſo much the more faithfull in the diſcharge of the duties thereof.
§. 53. Of parents care in prouiding fit mariages for their children.
God hath further laid a charge vponupon parents to prouide mariages Date operam vt cùm ad adultā aetatem filij peruenerint matrimenio iungantur. Conſtit. Apoſt. l. 4. c. 11. lege Chryſ. in 1. Tim. hom. 9.for their children: for thus ſaith the Prophet in the name of the Lord vntounto parents, bIer. 29. 6.Take wiues to your ſonnes, and giuegive your daughters to husbands: and thus the Apoſtle, c1 Cor. 7. 36.If any man thinke that he behaueth himſelfe vncomely toward his virgin, if ſhe paſſe the floure of her age, and need ſo require, let them marry. This direction was giuen in times of perſecution, when by reaſon of the preſent neceſſity it was better not to marry: if then a parent ought to be carefull (need requiring) to prouide a mariage for his daughter, much more ought he in times of peace. Holy parents commended by the Holy Ghoſt hauehave beene carefull in performing this duty, as dGen. 24. 4.Abraham, e& 28. 2.Iſaak, fRut. 3. 1.Naomi, and others: yea gGen. 21. 21.Hagar had learned this duty in Abrahams houſe. But the perfect patterne (which ſurpaſſeth all other examples) is of h& 2. 18.God himſelfe, who prouided a fit match for his iLuke 3. 38. Reaſons.ſonne Adam.
1. Children may not marry without conſent of parents, (as was *Treat. 5. §. 16, 17.before ſhewed) Parents therefore muſt be carefull in time to prouide for them.
2. Parents are to children in Gods place: they muſt therefore take vponupon them this care of God.
3. Mariage is the meanes which the Lord hath ſanctified to preſerue our bodies chaſte and vndefiled: as parents therefore deſire to keepe their children from vncleanneſſe and pollution, they muſt take care that this meanes be vſed. Not only holy Apoſtles, but alſo *Liberos qui voluptatibus nimis ſunt dediti dabis operam vt coniugio aſtringas: vinculum enim hoc eſt tutiſſimum inventutis. Plut. de Inſtit. lib.heathen Philoſophers, and that by the light of nature, hauehave found this to be the fitteſt courſe.
4. This alſo is a meanes as to kGen. 1. 28.increaſe the commonwealth, and lMal. 2. 15.preſerue an holy ſeed, and to erect new families, ſo to continue parents owne houſes and name.
§. 54. Direction to parents in prouiding mariages.
Two cautions are to be obſerued of parents in prouiding mariages for their children.
1. That the match which they prouide be meet: ſo ſaid God when he was about to prouide a match for Adam, I will Gen. 2. 18.make him an helpe meet for him. Therefore *See Treat. 2. Part. 1. §. 9, 10 &c.the match prouided muſt not be too neere of kin, of a contrary religion, of too vnequall an age, of too great diſparity in eſtate. Theſe things will hinder louelove, and cauſe diſdaine and hatred of one another.
2. Though the match may ſeeme meet in the parents eie, yet he may not force his childe thereto. Could a fitter match hauehave beene found out for Rebekah then Iſaak? yet Rebekahs friends gGen. 24. 57. What to be done if children like not ſuch a match as parents thinke meet. Non cogitur filius-familias vxorem ducere. Digeſt. l. 23. c. 2. §. 21.asked her conſent. I denie not but parents may vſe all manner of faire meanes to moue their children to yeeld to that which they ſee good for them: but if they cannot moue them to yeeld, to referre the matter to God, and not againſt their childrens minds to force them. When God had made a moſt meet match for Adam, he brought her to the man: namely to ſee how he would like her. For the neereſt bond of all is betwixt man and wife; a man muſt leaue father and mother, and Gen. 2. 22. Sacra in hoc negotio parentibus authoritas eſſe debet: ſed tenenda eſt media ratio, vt ſponte ac mutuo conſenſu inter ſe contrahant partes. Cal. in Gen. 24. verſ. 57.cleaue vntounto his wife; man and wife muſt alwaies liue together: great reaſon therefore that at the firſt ioyning them together there be a mutuall liking of one another, leſt euer after there be a perpetuall diſlike: and though the authority of parents ought in this caſe to be inuiolable, yet a middle courſe is ſo to be held, as the parties may willingly with a mutuall conſent ioyne themſelues together.
§. 55. Of the extremes contrary to parents care in prouiding fit mariages for their children.
The extreme in the defect is, when parents careleſly let their children paſſe the floure of their age: and neuer conſider whether need require that they ſhould mary or no. Their children may ſit long enough before they ſeeke out a match for them, vnleſſe it be brought to them: and when one is offered though it be neuer ſo fit, yet except they may make an aduantage thereof to themſelues, they will hardly yeeld to it. Thus they make their children to ſeeke out mariages for themſelues, and without their conſent to make them vp: or elſe to liue in diſcontent, Si filij innupti feruore aetatis in conſuetudinem ſornicandi inciderint, vos parentes in die iudicij rationem deo eſtis reddituri. Conſtit. Apoſt. l. 4. c. 11.if not in vncleanneſſe. By the careleſneſſe of parents in this reſpect are children oft made a prey to the deuill: whereof at the day of iudgement parents ſhall giuegive an account to God.
The extreme in the exceſſe is, *See Treat. 2. Part. 1. §. 2.when parents through a couetous deſire to get great and rich matches for their children, marie them before they be of yeares of diſcretion to like or diſlike, to know what is meet or vnmeet; or able to performe euen the eſſentiall duties of mariages: ſeldome doe ſuch vnlawfull mariages proſper.
In a like exceſſe doe they offend who for outward aduantages match their children to ſuch as by nature are vnfit for mariage, to ideots, to *See Treat. 2. Part. 1. §. 11, 12.idolaters, to profane perſons, or they care not to whom. And if their children like not theſe matches, they will doe to the vttermoſt of their power what they can to force them thereunto. Many miſchiefes ordinarily fall out vponupon ſuch mariages, as vtter diſlike betwixt husband and wife, continuall complaining one of another, inquiring after diuorce, or any other ſeparation, wiſhing, yea practiſing one anothers death. To all theſe miſchiefes doe parents, the cauſe thereof, make themſelues acceſſary.
§. 56. Of parents prouiding a ſtocke for callings and mariages of their children.
An eſpeciall outward meanes whereby parents may be the better inabled to prouide fit callings and mariages for their children, is, before hand to lay vp ſome ſtocke, or competent portion for their children. This is compriſed vnderunder that generall prouiſion, whereof he that is careleſſe is counted by the Apoſtle b1 Tim. 5. 8.worſe then an inſidell: but more expreſly is it noted in theſe words, c2 Cor. 12. 14.Parents ought to lay vp for their children: and commended in dGen. 25. 5, 6.Abrahams example.
While children are vnderunder their parents they hauehave no meanes to lay vp for themſelues: for all their ſeruice is for their parents. But in regard of the times wherein we liue, it is needfull for ſetting vp in a good calling, and for obtaining a fit match, that children hauehave ſome ſtocke and portion. It lieth therefore vponupon the parents, and their duty it is to prouide it.
Obiect. Chriſt forbiddeth to lay vp treaſures on earth.Ma…. 6 19. expounded.
Anſw. If the ſcope of that place be rightly marked, it will appeare that Chriſt there forbiddeth not ſimply the thing it ſelfe, but
1. The minde of him that layeth vp: namely when it is filled full of carking, and diſtruſtfull thoughts: fearing that in the time to come he ſhall not hauehave ſufficient. To this purpoſe doth Chriſt propound Gods prouidence ouer fowles and Verſ. 26, 28.lillies.
2. The manner of laying vp, when temporall things are preferred before ſpirituall and heauenly: therefore he addeth this precept, but lay vp treaſures in heauen, &c.Uerſ. 20.
3. The meaſure, when men neuer thinke they hauehave laid vp enough: but ſcrape what they can come by iuſtly or vniuſtly; and ſpare more then needs, euen things neceſſary, from themſelues and others, to make a great ſtocke and portion for their children. The word of *foreign. Direction for laying vp portions.treaſuring vp (which Chriſt there vſeth) implieth an immoderate meaſure.
Among other needfull cautions for parents to be obſerued in laying vp for their children, theſe three are eſpecially to be noted.
1. That iuſtly they come by that which they lay vp: and lay nothing towards a childs portion which is any way vniuſtly gotten; for the treaſures of wickedneſſe profit nothing: they may Pro. 10. 2.proue a fire to conſume parents themſelues, their children, their houſe, and whole poſterity.
2. That they couet not too much to make their children rich, and for that purpoſe liue meanly and baſely themſelues, yea and depriue themſelues of many neceſſaries. An egregious Eccl. 5. 12.point of folly is this, which Solomon hath much taxed.
3. That all needfull duties of charity to the poore, and of iuſtice to the Church and common-wealth be performed, and pretext of laying vp for children hinder none of theſe.
§. 57. Of the extremes contrary to a parents prouiding portions for his children.
The extremes contrary to the forenamed dutie are theſe:
1. When parents liue at the vttermoſt extent of their eſtate, and from time to time ſpend all their reuenues or all their gaines, and ſo are ſcarce able to make euen at quarter day, or yeares end. What ſtocke or portion can they lay vp for children?
2. When parents liue aboue their eſtate, and ſpend riotouſly their ordinary gaines, or reuenues, and for other neceſſary affaires are forced to runne into debt. Many are ſo farre from helping their children in this kinde, as they are maine hinderance vntounto them, vrging their eldeſt ſonne eſpecially who is their heire, to be bound for them, and ſo lay ſuch a burden on his backe, as (to vſe the common phraſe) they make it cracke againe.
3. When parents hauehave enough for themſelues and their children, and yet ſo couetouſly dote vponupon their wealth, as they will not beſtow a groat to helpe them in calling and mariage, but ſay they keepe all for them. What a wretched and fooliſh diſpoſition is this, that they ſhould ſtill lay vp more and more for their children, and yet refuſe to beſtow any part thereof vponupon them in their greateſt need, when it might redound to their greateſt benefit? God oft meeteth with ſuch couetous miſers, and croſſeth their purpoſes, by making ſtrangers to enioy that which they greedily hoorded vp.
§. 58. Of parents last ſpeech to their children.
The laſt dutie which parents owe to their children, is, when they ceaſe to be parents: that is, when they are going out of this world. Their dutie at that time in generall is to doe what lieth in them, that it may goe well with their children after their departure. Both *See §. 6.the reaſons which are oft vrged by the Holy Ghoſt, to ſtir vp parents to yeeld obedience to God, taken from extent of Gods bleſſing (in this kinde of phraſe, bPro. 20. 7.Bleſſed ſhall their children be after them) and Gods cDeut. 5. 29.promiſes made to that purpoſe doe proue as much.
For the better performing of this dutie, three generall points, tending both to the temporall, and alſo to the ſpirituall good of children, are to be obſerued: and two particular points moſt tending to their temporall eſtate.
The three generals are theſe.
1. Good direction.
2. Faithfull prayer.
3. A wiſe choiſe of ſome friends to be as parents to them.
1. Parents on their deathbed to leaue good leſſons to their children.For direction. When parents obſerue their time to draw neere, they ought to commend ſome wiſe and wholſome precepts vntounto their children, the better to direct them in their Chriſtian courſe. So did dGen. 28. 2, 4.Iſaak, and e& 49. 1. &c.Iaakob.
Ob. Theſe Patriarchs had an extraordinarie ſpirit of prophecying, & by vertue thereof foretold their children things to come.
Anſw. *See Treat. 5. §. 9.They ſuſtained a double perſon: one of a prophet, another of a father: as prophets, they had an extraordinarie ſpirit; as parents, they performed ordinarie dutie: by their extraordinarie ſpirit, they foretold things to come: the ordinarie dutie which they performed, was to direct their children how to carrie themſelues in thoſe times to come. For their propheſies were not only predictions, but alſo inſtructions, to direct and teach them what to doe. What they did by an extraordinarie ſpirit in extraordinarie things, we muſt doe in ordinarie duties by the ordinarie ſpirit of vnderſtanding and wiſdome which the Lord giueth vsus. But the direction which dGen. 28. 2. &c.Iſaak gaue to Iaakob, when he ſent him to Laban, was no extraordinarie propheſie: nor that which e1 Chro 28. 9.Dauid, when he was old, gaue to Solomon: and againe, f1 King. 2. 2, 3, &c.when he lay on his death-bed. Now theſe things are thus written for our imitation. And great reaſon there is to imitate thoſe holy men in theſe things. For
1. The words of a dying parent are commonly moſt regarded: his laſt words doe make a deepe impreſſion (gGen. 50. 16. this doe the brethren of Ioſeph preſſe vponupon him.) If euer therefore there be a time ſeaſonable for a parent to giuegive good inſtructions to his children, then is the time when parents are cleane departing from their children.
2. Thus ſhall a parent manifeſt his true affection, and earneſt deſire of his childrens good: for now they cannot thinke that he ſeeketh his owne eaſe, and profit, more then their good: as at other times ſome will be ready to ſay of their parents inſtructions and admonitions, Our parents know what is good for themſelues.
That the laſt words of parents may be the more ſeaſonably and Direction.profitably deliuered to their children, they muſt note, on the one ſide, what euils their children are moſt prone vntounto, what temptations they are moſt aſſaulted withall, what ſnares they are moſt like to fall into; and on the other ſide, what vertues and graces are moſt needfull for them, and wherein they faile moſt, and accordingly they muſt order and frame their laſt words. Note for a patterne herein bGen. 28, 2, &c.Iſaaks counſell to Iaakob, when he ſent him to Laban, and thought he ſhould neuer ſee him againe: and c1 King. 2. 2, 3.Dauids to his ſonne Solomon.
§. 59. Of Parents laſt bleſſing to their children.
II. Concerning the prayers of parents for their children, I noted it *§. 4.before to be a generall dutie neuer to be omitted: yet here in particular I mention it againe, becauſe a parents bleſſing conſiſteth therein eſpecially: and then is the moſt proper time for parents to beſtow a bleſſing on their children, as bGen. 28. 3.Iſaak, c& 48. 15.Iaakob, d1 Chro. 29. 19.Dauid, and others did. Let parents therefore as they commend their owne ſoules into Gods hand, ſo commend their children vntounto Gods grace and bleſſing. Gods prouidence is a good inheritance: many children doe thereby exceedingly proſper, though they hauehave but ſmall outward meanes; whereas others that hauehave great meanes vſed for their good, come to ruine; Gods curſe following them. Now no ſuch meanes can be thought of to procure Gods bleſſing, or to with-hold his curſe, as the faithfull prayers of parents for their children; eſpecially when parents are leauing their children, and going to God.
§. 60. Of parents care to commend their children to ſome faithfull friends.
III. The third generall point of making choiſe of ſome faithfull friends to commend their children vntounto, is eſpecially in behalfe of ſuch as are not of ſufficient age and diſcretion to looke to themſelues, or to thoſe weightie affaires which belong vntounto them. The friends, which in this caſe are made choiſe of, ought to be ſuch as the parents themſelues by good experience hauehave found to be honeſt, wiſe, faithfull, and louing to them and theirs; whom parents are to ſet in their owne place for the good of their children. This meanes did Dauid vſe when he was old in the behalfe 1 Chro. 22. 17. & 28. 21.of his ſonne Solomon. Many children hauehave found much helpe thereby. Such may make a good ſupply of the departure of parents. Theſe are ſo much the more needfull, by how much the more vnſtable, and vnbridled youth is; and by how much the leſſe able children are to helpe and guide themſelues.
§. 61. Of parents neglect of their children for the time to come.
Contrary to a parents prouidence for the good of his children after his departure, is the careleſneſſe of parents for the time to come. They thinke the world is gone with them when they are gone, and therefore they will take no thought for the future times that ſhall be after them; as if it were enough for eueryevery one to looke to his owne time. There may ſeeme to be more ſelfe-louelove in ſuch parents then louelove of their children, in that their care determineth with their owne time, and extendeth not it ſelfe to the time and continuance of their children. Hence is it, that not a word of direction and exhortation commeth out of their mouths to their children when they are departing, no bleſſing that they will leaue behinde them, no friends ſhall be deputed by them, to be as parents to their children. Let God prouide, ſay they. But where there is a referring of matters to Gods prouidence, without the vſe of thoſe meanes which God hath warranted and commended by his word, there can be little hope that God ſhould take care of that which is ſo commended to him. Such men doe not in faith depend vponupon Gods prouidence, but make the very name thereof a pretext to caſt off that care, which God as a bounden dutie requireth of them. As there is little louelove of their children in ſuch parents, ſo there is leſſe zeale of Gods glory: for a parents care of his childrens welfare, eſpecially of their continuing to feare and ſerue the Lord after their owne departure out of this world, is an eſpeciall meanes of preſeruing Gods feare in the world, and propagating it from age to age: ſo as this neglect is a greater fault then many are aware of.
§. 62. Of parents making a Will before they die.
The two particular things to be obſerued by parents for manifeſtation of their prouident care ouer their children for the time to come, euen after their departure, eſpecially in regard of their temporall eſtate, are theſe,
1. That they make a will.
2. That they leaue their eſtates to their children.
1. It hath beene an ancient commendable practiſe both among A Will to be made.Gods people, and others alſo, that hauehave beene guided with common ciuilitie, when they who hauehave any eſtate, waxe old, or ſicke, and hauehave any occaſion of expecting death offered vntounto them, to make their laſt Will and teſtament. This is ſet forth in the old Teſtament vnderunder this phraſe (Put thy houſe in order.) A dutie it is expreſly b2 King. 20. 1.commanded by God: and that not without good reaſon. For
1. A parents Will is an eſpeciall meanes to ſettle peace among children after his departure, and to make them content with that allowance which he hath ſet out vntounto them, becauſe by the Will they know it was their fathers pleaſure they ſhould hauehave ſuch and ſuch a portion. If controuerſies ſhould ariſe, yet a Will is a meanes for the law ſpeedily to determine the ſame without any tedious and chargeable ſuits: for the Apoſtle taketh it for a ruled caſe, that no man diſanulleth or addeth any thing to a mans' teſtament.Gal. 3. 15.
2. After a parent hath made his Will, he may the more quietly ſettle himſelfe for heauenly contemplations, and preparations to death: and thinke of ſuch good inſtructions as are moſt fit to giuegive as his farewell to his children: and the more willingly expect the moment of his diſſolution: and the more patiently ſubmit himſelfe to the very ſtroke of death.
In performing this dutie, a man muſt both obſerue a fit time, Direction.and alſo take good aduice. The fit time is while his vnderſtanding is good, and his memorie perfect: ſo as he may call to minde his debts, what he oweth, and what is owing to him: as alſo what goods he hath to beſtow, and with diſcretion and wiſdome order his eſtate. And becauſe through the cauils which many vnconſcionable lawyers and others are like to make, his true meaning may be peruerted, it is meet to hauehave the aduice of ſuch as can in diſtinct words and phraſes ſo expreſſe his meaning, as they ſhall be free from exception. Matters of weight are wiſely to be managed.
§. 63. Of neglecting to make a Will.
Contrary is the daily practiſe of too many parents who are not willing to make any will at all: or elſe on vaine hope that they may liue longer, and when they are ſicke, vponupon conceit that they may recouer, or at leaſt longer continue to enioy the vſe of their vnderſtanding and memory, put off the making of their Will till it be too late: and ſo die without Will, or make ſuch a Will as miniſtreth more matter of ſute, then if they had no Will at all; either becauſe doubt is made whether he that made it had his vnderſtanding and memory or no: or becauſe his Will is ſo abrupt and ambiguous, as his meaning cannot be knowne. The miſchiefes that follow theſe neglects, Inconuenience of dying without a Will.are many. As
1. Diſcredit to the partie deceaſed.
2. Contentions among his ſuruiuing children.
3. Waſting a great part, if not his whole eſtate, in ſuits of law.
4. Defeating many creditors of their due debt.
The reaſon which maketh many to put off the making of their Will is a fooliſh conceit, that if a mans Will be once made, then he muſt needs die out of hand. But what ground hauehave men for any ſuch conceit? If ſicknes grow vponupon a man, ſo long as his Will is vnmade his minde is vnſetled, his minde being vnſetled, the phyſicke that is miniſtred to him cannot ſo kindly worke; ſo as his death may be the more haſtened for not making a Will. Beſides, if his ſpeech faile before his vnderſtanding, the thought that then he ſhall die without a Will may ſo perplex him, as his departure will be very vnquiet and troubleſome.