Of Domestical Duties, Treatise 5 · Section 16 – Section 27
§. 16. Of parents conſent to the mariage of their children.
II. That children ought to hauehave their parents conſent vntounto their mariage is without all queſtion euident. For
1. God himſelfe hath giuen vsus herein a patterne: He firſt brought the woman to the man (Gen. 2. 22.) whereby he would ſhew that he who gaue a being to the woman, had a right to diſpoſe her in mariage: which right parents now hauehave: for from them vnderunder God, children receiue their being. In this caſe parents ſtand in Gods roome, and are as it were Gods hand to ioyne their children in mariage.
2. God hath giuen expreſſe lawes concerning this point. To omit that generall morall law, Honour thy father and thy mother (which, as it is the ground of all other duties appertaining to children, ſo of this alſo) the authoritie and charge which God by his law (Deut. 7. 3) hath laid vponupon parents, to giuegive their daughters to husbands, and to take wiues for their ſonnes, hath the force of a law to binde children from taking wiues or husbands, without or againſt their parents conſent. This law was not proper to the Iewes only; but as a branch of the morall law it is preſſed vponupon Chriſtians, 1 Cor. 7. 36. 37.
To this may be added the iudiciall law (if it be to be accounted meerely iudiciall) of a parents power in giuing his daughter, or refuſing to giuegive her in mariage to him that had defloured her, Exo. 22. 17.
3. Anſwerable to the law hath beene the practiſe of Gods Saints recorded and approued in Scripture. Iſaak married the wife which his father prouided (Gen. 24. 67.) Iaakob both obeyed his father in going to Labans houſe for a wife (Gen. 28. 2.) and alſo when he came to Laban asked his daughter of him (Gen. 29. 18. &c.)
Though Sampſon ſaw a daughter of the Philiſtims which Non eſt virginalis pudoris eligere maritum: electionem mariti parentibus deferat. Ambr. de Patr. l. 1. c. 9.pleaſed him well, yet would he not marry her before he had his parents conſent, Iudg. 14. 2.
4. Theſe words of Thamar (2 Sam. 13. 13.) Speake vntounto the King (who was her father,) for he will not with-hold thee from me, ſhew that children were not wont to be married without conſent of parents: Which is further confirmed by this oath of the Iſraelites, There ſhall not any of vsus giuegive his daughter Legitimum non eſt coniugium niſi vxor petatur a parentibus. Euariſt. in epiſt. ad eccleſ. Affric.vntounto Beniamin to wife, Iudg. 21. 1.
5. aFilij ſine conſenſu parentum ritè & iure nubere nō poſſunt. Tertul. ad vxor. l. 2.The ancient fathers of the Church hauehave in their ages taught children this duty, and pronounced mariages of children without conſent of parents, to be vnlawfull.
6. The very bTempore creuit amor: tedae quo que iure coiſſent: Sed vetuere patres. Ouid. Metam. 4. Me parenti potius quàm amori obſequi oportet. Teren. in Hecyra. foreign. Eurip. in Androm.heathen hauehave obſerued the equity hereof. Though Shechem loued Dinah, and had defloured her, yet would he not mary her without the conſent of his and her father, Gen. 34, 3. &c. Iſmael had learned as much either by the inſtruction he had receiued out of Abrahams houſe, or elſe by the light of nature; for he ſtood to the choice which his mother made for him, Gen. 21. 21.
7. Though cConcil. Trid. decr. de reform. matr. c. 1.Papiſts in other caſes make the authority of parents to be of no effect, yet in this caſe they count it vtterly vnlawfull for children to marry without or againſt their parents conſent: and hauehave thereupon made Canons againſt it.
8. The dMatris voluntatem in tradenda filia omnibus natura praeponit. Auguſt. epiſt. 233.law of nature and nations, the ciuill and canon law, the common and ſtatute law of our Land, all manner of law is agreeable to Gods law in this point.
9. eCum ſponſus & ſponſa benedicendi ſunt a ſacerdote, offerantur eccleſiae a parentibus. Grat. 30. quaſt. 5. Cau.It hath beene a cuſtome in all Chriſtian Churches throughout all ages, for the parent, or ſome in the parents Quod ipſi Philoſophi mirati ſant, ſeruate virgines. Ambr. de patr. l. 1. c. 9.roome, to giuegive the Bride to the Bridegroome at the time of the mariage: whereby the parents conſent is openly manifeſted.
10. fEraſm. in colloq. de Matrim. Luth. in ſerm. de Matrim. Bucer. in Mat. 19. Calu. Inſtit. l. 4. c. 19. §. 37. Bez. de Diuort. Zanch. de Oper. Dei par. 3. l. 4. c. 1. Chemn. in Exam. part. 2. Brent. in Catec. Melanc. loc. de coniug. Perkins in Oecon. c. 6. alij….Many Diuines of good note and name hauehave iudged ſuch marriages as hauehave beene made ſimply without, or directly againſt parents conſent (eſpecially if parents hauehave iuſt cauſe of exception againſt thoſe mariages) to be of no force till the parent be brought to ratifie them: and in many Churches vponupon due examination of the matter, they vſe to account them as no mariages. Experience hath manifeſted the boldneſſe of many children in ſetting light by their parents conſent in thoſe places where mariages once conſummated are ratified, Hoc fieri debere & ciuilis & naturalis ratio ſuadet. Iuſtin. Inſtit. l. 1. tit. 10. Digeſt. l. 23. tit. 2and made indiſſoluble, though they hauehave beene made ſimply without or directly againſt parents conſent. Many children thinke, though it be vnlawfully done, yet being done it ſhall ſtand. Whereupon if they doubt of their parents conſent, they will caſt how to get their mariage conſummate, ſo as their parents may not know of it to hinder it before it is done: and after it is done, impudently reſolue to beare out as well as they can, the ſtorme of their parents diſpleaſure. To preuent ſuch contempt of the power of parents, and to eſtabliſh that authority which God hath giuen them ouer their children, mariages without or againſt parents conſent as aforeſaid, are in many Churches made voide.
§. 17. Of the equity of the point, and reaſons why children ſhould hauehave their parents conſent vntounto their marriage.
1. By mariage children are put from their parents: for The reaſons alleadged §.*Gen. 2. 24.Man muſt leaue his Father and Mother, and cleaue vntounto his wife. Is it not then great reaſon that they from whom children 12. may be applied to this particular.had their being, and by whom they hauehave beene maintained and trained vp till the time of their mariage, ſhould hauehave notice of that kind of leauing them, and conſent thereto?
2. A parents power by the marriage of his childe is paſſed ouer to the husband or wife of the childe. And ſhall ſuch a power be taken away without conſent of parent?
3. Children for the moſt part being heady and raſh for want of experience; and ſeeking more to ſatisfie their preſent carnall deſire, then to prouide a good laſting helpe for themſelues: but parents by the inſtinct of nature louing their children as well as children louelove themſelues, and hauing by much experience better vnderſtanding of a meete helpe, and better able to vſe their diſcerning gift in this caſe, becauſe it is not their owne caſe, and yet the caſe of one whom they louelove as themſelues, and to whom they wiſh as much good as to themſelues; is it not meete euen for the childs good, that in a matter of ſuch moment as mariage, the parent ſhould hauehave a ſtroake?
§. 18. Of a childs cariage in caſe a parent prouide an vnfit mate or none at all.
Queſt. What if parents vrge their children to marry ſuch Whether parents may force their children to marry, or no.as they can not affect and louelove: muſt children therein againſt their minde and liking yeeld obedience?
Anſw. If there be no iuſt exception againſt the partie commended, they ought with the vttermoſt of their power to endeauour See Treat. 6. §. 54.to bring their affection to the bent of their parents will: and as an helpe thereunto, be perſwaded that their parents are as carefull of their good as they themſelues are, and wiſer then themſelues: yea aboue all they ought to make inſtant prayer vntounto God (in whoſe hand mans heart is to turne it Prou. 21. 1.whither ſoeuer he will) that he would be pleaſed to alter the courſe of their affection, and to ſettle it on the party whom their parent hath choſen for them; if at leaſt they ſee no iuſt cauſe to the contrary. But if notwithſtanding all the meanes that they can vſe, they ſtill finde their heart altogether auerſe, they may in a reuerend manner entreat their parent to forbeare to preſſe that match, and to thinke of ſome other.
2. Queſt. What if the parent be negligent, and in due time prouide no fit match, may not the childe prouide one for himſelfe?
Anſw. A parents negligence is not a ſufficient pretext to make a child caſt off that ſubiection which he oweth to his parent. Yet I deny not but that a childe knowing where a fit match is to be had, may make knowne as much to his parent (as Sampſon did) and craue both his conſent and help thereunto. Iudg. 14. 2.And if his parent giuegive no eare to his humble ſuit, he may vſe the mediation of his kindred or other friends. Yea if neceſſity require that the childe be married, and his parent adde wilfulneſſe to negligence, and will not be moued at all, neither by the humble ſuit of his childe, nor by the earneſt ſolicitation of any friends, meanes may be made to the Magiſtrate (who is in Gods place ouer the parent as well as ouer Qui liberos iniuria prohibuerint ducere vx eres vel nubere, per praeſides cogantur in matrimonium collocare Di eſt. lib. 23. tit. 2. § 19.the childe, and ought to afford releefe vntounto the childe) and what the Magiſtrate doth in that caſe is as good a warrant to the childe as if the parent had done it.
The like meanes may be vſed if a parent be an Idolater, Hereticke, or Atheiſt, and will not yeeld that his childe be married to any but to one of his owne profeſſion and diſpoſition.
§. 19. Of the ſinne of Children in marrying without their parents conſent.
Contrary is the minde and practiſe of ſuch children as ouer lightly eſteeming their parents power, take matches of their owne choice: and that ſometimes priuily without giuing any notice at all to their parents: and ſometimes moſt rebelliouſly againſt their parents mind and charge: not much vnlike thoſe who in the old world are condemned for taking wiues of all that Gen. 6. 2.they choſe (which was one branch of that wickedneſſe for which the world was drowned) or rather like Eſau who tooke Gen. 26. 35.ſuch wiues as proued a griefe to his parents. What bleſſing can be expected to fall vponupon ſuch mariages? or rather what curſe may not be feared to follow them? Gods law is tranſgreſſed thereby: his Image in parents deſpiſed, that which is more proper to them then any goods; or fraudulently, or violently taken from them: their ſoules grieued thereat: and they See more miſchiefes following ſuch mariages, §. 21.oft prouoked to caſt off their children, and curſe their mariages. Now Gods curſe doth oft follow the iuſt curſe of a parent.
§. 20. Of obiections for childrens marrying without parents conſent, anſwered.
1. Obiect. Though Iaakob married one wife according to his parents direction, yet he married other three (at leaſt the two maides) without their conſent.
1. Anſw. Iaakobs example in marrying more wiues then one is not iuſtifiable.
2. Anſw. Iaakob had a generall conſent of his parents to Gen. 28. 2.take a wife of the daughters of Laban: if therefore his marying of two wiues had beene lawfull, neither this nor that daughter had beene taken without all conſent of his parents. As for the two maids of whom he had children, neither of them was his wife: for long after they had children they are called his maids, Gen. 32. 22.and diſtinguiſhed from his wiues.
2. Obiect. Seruants may mary without their maſters conſent: why then not children without their parents?
1. Anſw. *See Treat. 8. §. 17.It is not lawfull for ſeruants ſo to doe while the …ate of their couenant laſteth.
2. Anſw. Though the ſeruitude of a ſeruant be greater …hen of a childe, yet a parent hath in many reſpects a greater …ower ouer his childe, then a maſter ouer his ſeruant. The …ower which a maſter hath is by a mutuall couenant betwixt him and his ſeruant, and by the voluntary ſubiection of a ſer…ant vntounto his maſter. But the power of a parent is by the bond of nature, in that a childe hath his being from his parents. Be…ides, this ſubiection of a childe to his parents in caſe of marriage, is not for ſeruitude but *See the third reaſon in §. 17.for the good of the childe.
3. Obiect. Children marry for themſelues and not for their parents, why then ſhould parents conſent be ſo much ſtood vponupon?
1. Anſw. Though they marie not for their parents, yet they marie *See the ſecond reaſon in §. 17. Pſal. 127. 3.from their parents: by mariage they are freed from the power of their parents.
2. Anſw. Children are not their owne: they are the inheritance of the Lord: the Lord hath giuen them to parents as an inheritance: a childe therefore may no more marry for himſelfe without conſent of parents, then alienate his parents goods for himſelfe.
§. 21. Of ſtealing children from parents for mariage ſake.
To the *§. 19.forenamed ſinne, and to the vengeance thereof, doe they make themſelues acceſſary, who fraudulently allure, or violently take away children to marry them otherwiſe then their parents would. This is a worſe kinde of felony then ſtealing away the goods of a man. For children are much more properly a mans owne, then his goods: and dearer to him then any goods can be: yea and ſo much more highly to be eſteemed, by how much reaſonable creatures are to be preferred before ſenſeleſſe, and ſenſuall things. Our *Anno 4. & 5. Phil. & Mar. ſtat. 8.ſtatute law expreſly condemneth this, and impoſeth a ſeuere puniſhment on ſuch as ſhall offend therein. And iuſtly doe ſuch offenders deſerue to be ſeuerely puniſhed, both in regard of the heinouſneſſe of the ſinne, and alſo in regard of the many Miſchiefes ariſing from marriages without parents conſent.miſchiefes which follow thereon, as, Alienation of parents affection from their children, Diſinheriting heires, Enmity betwixt the friends of each party ſo married, Litigious ſuits in law, Ruine of families, and (if the perſonages, whoſe children are married without their parents conſent, be great and noble) Diſturbance of whole townes, cities, and nations. Inſtance the deſtruction of the Shechemites Gen. 34. *Cauſa mali tanti coniux. Virg. Aeneid. 6. Qui rapta longum cum coniuge bellum Attulit in patriam. Ouid. Met. l. 12. lege. Hor. Carm. l. 1. Od. 15.This is ſaid to hauehave beene the cauſe of the tenne yeares warre betwixt the Grecians and Troianes, and of the ruine of Troy.
§. 22. Of miniſters ſinne in marying children without parents conſent.
Such miniſters alſo as through Careleſneſſe, not taking due account of the parties whom they marie, whether they hauehave their parents conſent or no; or through bribery, being hired by reward, doe marie ſuch children as they know hauehave not their parents conſent; doe in an high degree make themſelues acceſſary to the *§. 19.forenamed ſinne. Their fact is as bad as the fact of the principals themſelues. Their ſolemnization of ſuch mariages emboldneth both the parties that are ſo maried, and alſo all the perſons that are preſent thereat. They highly diſhonour Gods holy ordinance, in that bearing the perſon of God they ſay of ſuch as God hath forbidden to be ſo ioyned together, Thoſe whom God hath ioyned together let no man put aſunder. If miniſters had not their hand in ſuch vnlawfull mariages, they could not be made: for our Church ratifieth no mariage but what is made by a miniſter. Wherefore ſome miniſter or other is guilty of this foule ſinne, whenſoeuer any childe is maried without conſent of parents. Well therefore doth our Church (to preuent this ſinne) expreſly forbid miniſters to marie any without parents conſent: and inflict a ſeuere cenſure on them that ſhall offend therein.
§. 23. Of childrens forbearing to diſpoſe any of their parents goods without conſent.
A third branch of the ſubiection of children in forbearing to doe any thing without their parents conſent, is about their parents goods.
That children though liuing in their parents houſe, ought not without their parents conſent to diſpoſe their goods, is euident by the extent of their obedience, in all things.
In that Iſaak was pleaſed to ſend Iaakob to Padan Aram without any great prouiſion, it ſeemeth that Iaakob made conſcience of taking any thing priuily, but went as his father ſent him aGen. 32. 10.with his ſtaffe. And the bGen. 31. 36.apology which he made to Laban his father in law concerning things taken away, ſheweth that he held it vnlawfull for children priuily to conuey …way their parents goods. What is my treſpaſſe? what is my ſinne? (ſaith he) what haſt thou found of all my houſhold-ſtuffe?
Doth he not hereby imply, that if Labans daughters had …aken away any of their fathers goods, it had beene a treſpaſſe …nd ſinne?
The Apoſtle ſaith of the heire (who of all the children may Reaſons. 1. Children vnderunder parents are as ſeruants.ſeeme to hauehave the greateſt right) that as long as he is a childe (that is, vnderunder the gouernment of his parents) he differeth nothing from a ſeruant, though he be Lord of all. If he differ not from a ſeruant, what right can he hauehave at his pleaſure Gal. 4. 1.to diſpoſe his parents goods? Hath a ſeruant any ſuch right?
It is very requiſite that children herein ſhould be tied to their parents conſent, both for the good of parents, and of children themſelues.
Of parents, that they may know what they hauehave, or hauehave 2. Good of parents.not, and accordingly order their expences. How can parents tell what they hauehave, if children priuily without their knowledge purloin and diſpoſe their goods?
Of children, that their lauiſh humor might by this meanes 3. Good of children.be reſtrained: (for youth is much prone beyond moderation to ſpend, if it hauehave wherewithall) and that their parents may the better lay vp for them.2 Cor. 12. 14.
§. 24. Of the ſinne of children in purloining and waſting their parents goods.
Contrary is both the opinion and practiſe of many It is a ſinne for children.children.
For opinion, many thinke and ſay, that whatſoeuer is their 1. To mutter at their parents allowance.parents, is theirs alſo: and thereupon being through the watchfull eie and prouident care of their parents reſtrained from ouerlauiſh ſpending, or from laying out any thing with their owne hands, they murmure againſt that reſtraint.
Knowledge and perſwaſion of their ſubiection in this caſe, would be a good meanes to ſuppreſſe that repining humour.
For practiſe,2. Priuily to purloine their parents goods. Gen. 31. 19. Who counſell children to conuey away parents goods are acceſſary to theft.
1. Some priuily take away and purloine what goods, money, wares or any thing elſe they can come by of their parents. This the holy Ghoſt accounteth plaine theft: for Rachel hauing priuily taken away her fathers idolls, the Scripture ſaith that ſhe ſtole them.
Hereunto doe they make themſelues acceſſary, who counſell and incourage children ſo to doe: as many buſibodies, and deceitfull perſons aduiſe daughters, when God hath taken away their mothers, to take away linnen, and other-like houſhold-ſtuffe from their father, pretending that their father may marie another wife, who will carrie all away: And vponupon like pretence alſo perſwade ſons when their fathers die, to conuey away what they can from their mother. But ſuch pretences are no ſufficient warrant vntounto children to deceiue their parents. It were better for children to be depriued of their parents goods, then to enioy them with ſuch deceit: for they will be like that bread which is ſweet to a man, and afterward his Pro. 20. 17.mouth is filled with grauell.
2. Others riotouſly ſpend their portion, like the prodigall 3. Waſtfully to ſpend. Luk. 15. 13.childe, and runne into debt, and ſo make their parents either to pay it, or to leaue them to the law. Many Schollers at the Vniuerſities, Gentlemen at Innes of Court, and ſuch children as are ſomewhat liberally trained vp in their parents, or other friends houſes, doe much offend herein. Little doth this exceſſe and riot differ from the forenamed kinde of theft: and ordinarily it bringeth as many miſchiefes as that doth.
3. Some alſo be ſo vngracious and vngratefull, that being 4. To defeat their parents of their goods cunningly.come to yeeres, and their parents growne old, ſeeke to defeat their parents of all they hauehave, and to bring their parents vnderunder them, to be ordered by them: labouring to get poſſeſſion of all before their parents be dead, or before they be willing to reſigne any ſuch right vntounto their children. Such were 2 Sam. 15. 10. &c.Abſolom, and Adoniah. How highly diſpleaſing ſuch practiſes are to God, the vengeance which fell vponupon the pates of 1 King. 1. 5. &c.thoſe two Brethren in euill, traiterous, and diſloyall children, doth ſhew.
All ſuch children as ſeeke after the forenamed, or any other like meanes to defraud their parents, doe very ill repay their parents care ouer them, and more like Barbarians, then Chriſtians, recompence euill for good: they oft bring pouerty and ignominy vponupon their parents and themſelues: they are worſe then other theeues, becauſe they are more deerely accounted of, and more freely truſted: yea they are a very bad example to ſeruants in the houſe, or ſubiects in the commonwealth.
§. 25. Of childrens contentedneſſe to be apparelled after their parents minde and liking.
IIII. A fourth branch of the foreſaid ſubiection of children is about their apparell, that it be no other, then may ſtand with their parents good liking. It is noted that Iſrael Gen. 37. 3.made Ioſeph a coat, doth not the particular mentioning of that circumſtance ſhew, that parents muſt hauehave the ordering of their childrens apparell? Which is alſo intimated in the reaſon giuen of Tamars garment of diuers colours, namely becauſe 2 Sam. 13. 18.with ſuch garments were the kings daughters, that were virgins, apparelled. And whereas Rebekah had the keeping of her Gen. 27. 15.ſonne Eſaus clothes, it appeareth that his clothes were to the minde of his parents: elſe he would hauehave hid them from them: for further confirmation whereof it is noted that his apparell was pleaſing to his father.
Contrary is the vaine-glorious humour of many children, Childrens ſin in apparelling themſelues to the griefe, and diſgrace of their parents.who to the griefe and diſcredit of their parents, apparell themſelues both againſt the minde, and alſo aboue the ability, and vnbeſeeming the place and calling of their parents. Among others, many miniſters children bring much diſcredit on their parents hereby. Let all ſuch proud Youths note how the Lord hath threatned to viſit euen Kings children that are clothed Zeph. 1. 8.with ſtrange apparell.
§. 26. Of childrens forbearing to binde themſelues to doe any thing againſt their parents conſent.
V. The fift and laſt branch wherewith I will exemplifie the forenamed ſubiection of children, ſhall be that which is expreſly noted in the law, namely a childes binding of it ſelfe by a vow.
The law giueth the parent power to diſanull his childes Num. 30. 4.vow. It is therefore a childes dutie to abſtaine from vowing without his parents conſent.
Contrary are ſuch vowes as Papiſts allure children to make, Vnlawfull vowes of children.namely, vowes of continencie, perpetuall virginitie, regular obedience, voluntarie pouertie, with the like.
Though by theſe they be not drawne to forſake their parents (which *§. 14.before we proued to be vtterly vnlawfull:) and though theſe in their nature were lawfull (which they are not, becauſe they are againſt Gods law and ordinance, and againſt Chriſtian libertie, and ſauour too rankly of Iudaiſme, yea of a worſe ſuperſtition,) yet without parents conſent might they not be made.
As vnlawfull are oaths, and other like meanes, whereby children binde themſelues to the performance of ſuch indifferent things, as their parents are not willing they ſhould doe. What doth this but bring a ſnare vponupon the conſciences of children, and cauſe a neceſſitie of breaking one of Gods commandements? either the third, in breaking their vow or oath; or the fift, in diſobeying their parents.
§. 27. Of childrens actiue obedience.
The affirmatiue and actiue part of a childs obedience, conſiſts in yeelding himſelfe pliable to his parents will; which muſt be added to the forenamed negatiue and paſſiue part of obedience in forbearing to doe things without conſent of parents, for manifeſtation of a true child-like affection and diſpoſition toward the parent. Paſſiue obedience may ariſe from meere fullenneſſe, and ſtoutneſſe of ſtomach. For there are many who will forbeare to doe this or that without conſent of parents, becauſe they are loth to aske their conſent: they had rather hauehave their owne wills croſt in the things they deſire, then be made ſubiect to their parents will. What doth this argue, but a ſtout ſtomach, and a diſdainfull heart? Beſides, to forbeare the doing of an vnlawfull thing, is but to abſtaine from euill. But it is required of Chriſtians aPſal. 34. 14.to doe that which is good, as well as to abſtaine from that which is euill. This is it which is commended in Iaakob: he did not only forbeare to take ſuch a wife as would be a griefe to his parents (wherein his bGen. 26. 34, 35.brother Eſau had offended) but alſo obeyed his parents in cGen. 28. 2. & 29. 18.taking ſuch a wife as they willed him to take.
This generall point we will exemplifie in foure particular inſtances, namely, in a childs obedience to his parents commandements, inſtructions, reproofes, corrections.