Of Domestical Duties, Treatise 4 · Section 38 – Section 43
§. 38. Of well ordering reproofe in the manner thereof,
Like directions to thoſe which were giuen for the manner Manner of reprouing.of commanding muſt be obſerued in the manner of reprouing.
| Reproofes therefore muſt be | Rare. |
| Meeke. |
When reproofes are ſeldome vſed, not but vponupon vrgent and 1. Seldome.neceſſary occaſion, 1. It ſheweth that an husband taketh no delight in rebuking his wife, but is euen forced thereto. 2. It maketh his wife much more regard it. 3. It is like to worke a more perfect cure, for ſeldome and rare reproofes doe commonly peirce moſt deeply.
Contrary is continuall chiding, and finding fault with a Contrary, continuall chiding.wife for eueryevery thing amiſſe: if not only the wife her ſelfe, but a childe, or ſeruant, or any elſe in the houſe doe amiſſe, the wife ſhall be blamed for it. This is too common a fault in huſbands: whereby they much prouoke their wiues; yea and many times make them no more regard a reproofe then any other word. For as birds which alwaies abide in Belfries where much ringing is, are not a whit afrighted with their lowd ſound; ſo wiues who hauehave their eares from time to time filled with their husbands rebuke, by vſe are brought, nothing at all to be moued therewith.
2. That a reproofe muſt be giuen in meekneſſe is cleere by 2. Reproue mildly. Gal 6. 1.the Apoſtles generall precept of reſtoring one in the ſpirit of meekneſſe: for a right manner of reprouing is thereby particularly intended. Now of all with whom we hauehave to doe, no fitter obiect for meekneſſe then a wife, who in a more peculiar manner then any other is thine owne fleſh.
Meekneſſe hath reſpect both to ſecrecie of place, and to ſoftneſſe of words.
When an husband is alone with his wife, then is the fitteſt 3. Reproue in ſecret. Mat. 18. 15.ſeaſon for reproofe: thus will reproofe be anſwerable to Chriſts direction: tell him his fault betweene thee and him alone (ſaith Chriſt of a brother:) but no brother muſt be tendred more then a wife. Thus will it alſo ſoake better into her ſoule, when no conceit of diſhonour and diſcredit ſhall ariſe vp to hinder the worke of it: which conceits will be ready to ariſe when a reproofe is giuen in publike before others. Thus likewiſe will occaſion be taken away from children and ſeruants of deſpiſing her: which otherwiſe they would quickly take, …f before them ſhe ſhould be rebuked; gathering from thence, …hat ſhe is kept vnderunder as much as they: now becauſe ſhe is with him a ioynt gouernour of them, he ought by all meanes to maintaine her reputation before them.
1. Queſt. What if ſhe regard not a rebuke in ſecret?Direction for reprouing ſuch a wife as regardeth not a ſecret reproofe. Mat. 18. 15.
Anſw. He may follow Chriſts direction, Take one or two more, namely wiſe, graue, faithfull friends, if it may be, of her kindred, as her parents (if ſhe hauehave any liuing) or ſuch as are in courſe of nature next to parents (if they be not partiall on her ſide) and before them rebuke her: but by no meanes before any of the houſe vnderunder her gouernment.
2. Queſt. What if her fault be publicke, ſuch an one as Direction for reprouing a wife whoſe offence is publike.may be an ill example to them of the houſe, it being committed in their ſight, or brought ſome other way to their knowledge?
Anſw. Wiſely he muſt ſo manifeſt his diſlike of her fault, as he no way impaire her honour: he may therefore declare that ſuch a thing was not well done, and fore-warne his houſhold of committing the like; yea roundly threaten them that if any of them doe the like they ſhall dearely repent it; and if ſuch as are vnderunder correction offend therein, the more ſurely and ſeuerely correct them, euen becauſe they hauehave taken example. Thus ſhall he teſtifie a great good reſpect of his wife, and alſo a thorow diſlike and hatred of her ſinne.
2. A ſoft tongue (as Salomon noteth) breaketh the bones, 4. Reproue gently. Pro. 25. 15.that is, ſoftneth an hard heart, and beateth downe a ſtout ſtomacke. How will it then worke vponupon a ſoft heart, and gentle diſpoſition? If therefore an husband looke to doe good by reprouing his wife, his reproofe muſt be ſo ordered, as it may ſeeme to be rather a gentle admonition, then a ſharpe rebuke. He may and ought plainly to declare her fault vntounto her, but in milde and meeke tearmes, without reuiling, opprobrious and ignominious words.
Queſt. What if her fault be an heinous notorious ſinne?
Anſw. In an extraordinary caſe ſome ſharpneſſe may be A reproofe may be ſharpe not bitter. Gen. 30. 2. Iob 2. 10.vſed: as the reproofes of Iaakob, Iob, and Dauid doe ſhew, for they were eueryevery one of them ſharpe: but yet this ſharpneſſe muſt not be made bitter by any euill language. A womans wickedneſſe may not moue an husband to be froward, and 2 Sam. 6. 21, 22. Rebuke neuer to be giuen by a man in paſſion.outragious; but rather to be the more watchfull ouer himſelfe, that he containe himſelfe within the bounds of diſcretion and moderation. For which end it is meete that husbands lay it downe for a rule, neuer to rebuke their wiues when they are in paſſion. Paſſion raiſeth a darke miſt before the eies of reaſon; which, while it remaineth, keepeth reaſon from giuing any good direction. Yea paſſion is as a fire, and it ſo incenſeth a man, and diſtempereth him, that in his diſorder he can keepe no meane or meaſure. Howſoeuer a man be not able to rule himſelfe when paſſion is ſtirred vp, yet, if before hand while his eie is ſingle, and his whole body light, while he is in tune (as we Mat. 6. 22.ſpeake) and well tempered, he reſoluedly determine with himſelfe not to doe ſuch or ſuch a thing in his paſſion; that fore-going reſolution will be an eſpeciall means to make him forbeare doing that in paſſion, which if he ſhould doe, he could not in paſſion well order and moderate. For if once he begin to doe a thing in paſſion, the leaſt prouocation that can be, will be as bellowes to blow vp that fire into a flame.
In regard of the violence of paſſion (wherein women by Rebuke to be put off while a wife is in paſſion.reaſon of the weakneſſe of their iudgement are for the moſt part moſt violent) it is alſo the part of a wiſe man to forbeare this duty of reprouing his wife euen when ſhe is in paſſion. For as it is needfull that he ſhould be in caſe well to giuegive a reproofe, ſo as needfull it is that ſhe ſhould be in caſe well to take a rebuke. Paſſion both filleth and feſtereth ones heart. The heart then being full of paſſion, what roome is left for good aduice? will a man powre wine into a veſſell full of water, or ſtay, till all the water be dreaned out?
The heart alſo being ſo feſtered as it ſauoureth of nothing but paſſion, what good can then good aduice doe?
It is therefore an eſpeciall point of wiſdome, and ſheweth a good reſpect that a man beareth to his wife, yea it ſauoureth of much meekneſſe and moderation for an husband, well to weigh both his owne and his wiues temper when he reproueth her, and to forbeare doing it while either he or ſhe be in paſſion.
§. 39. Of vndiſcreet reproouing a wife.
Contrary is the indiſcretion of husbands who regard nor place, nor perſons, nor time, nor temper of themſelues or their wiues, nor any other circumſtance in reprouing, but like Saul (who at a table where a great feaſt was, in preſence of his Nobles and Captaines, when he was inraged with anger, with moſt virulent and bitter ſpeeches not rebuked onelyonly but reproached alſo his ſonne, and that with ſuch words as he ſpared not his owne wife; for in his paſſion he called his ſonne, ſonne 1 Sam. 20. 30.of the peruerſe rebellious woman:) like this fooliſh and furious Saul, I ſay, they take the moſt open place of the family before children, ſeruants, and whole houſe, to reproue their wiues; and that with ſuch bitter and diſgracefull termes, as either they prouoke their wiues to anſwer againe for maintaining (as they thinke) their owne credit and reputation, (thus Ionathan 1 Sam. 20. 32.was prouoked to anſwer his father againe:) or elſe giuegive them of the houſe that behold her thus trampled vnderunder foot, occaſion to ſet their feet alſo vponupon her.
Moſt husbands are forward enough to reproue, but few doe it in meekneſſe, and moderation. They cannot doe it but in company, nor without bitter words. Many in rebuking their wiues, ſticke not to vſe all the euill termes that they can thinke of, euen ſuch as tend not only to their wiues diſhonour, but alſo to their owne and their childrens infamy. The reaſon whereof is, becauſe they neuer rebuke but when they are in paſſion, and ſo ſcarſe know what they doe: whereby alſo they ſtirre vp paſſion in their wiues, and yet for all that refraine not any whit the more, but rather grow more violent: as when the heat of two fires meet together, the flame muſt needs be the greater. This being the prepoſterous practiſe of many husbands, is it any maruell that ordinarily ſo little good, and ſo much hurt is done by reprouing? Nay, would it not be a wonder, if any good, and no hurt ſhould be done thereby? This therefore though it be a duty, yet a dutie rarely and with great moderation to be vſed.
Thus farre of an husbands mildneſſe in his ſpeeches to his wife.
§. 40. Of an husbands *Treat. 3. §. 10.amiable countenance towards his wife.
An husbands cariage towards his wife muſt be anſwerable An husbands cariage muſt be milde.to his ſpeech, or elſe all the mildneſſe thereof will ſeeme but complementall.
A mans cariage compriſeth vnderunder it, his Countenance, Geſture, Actions: in all which muſt mildneſſe be ſeated.
1. His countenance in his wiues preſence, and towards his 1. A milde countenance.wife, muſt be compoſed to an amiable pleaſantneſſe. His authority ouer her, and eminencie aboue her, may not make him forget the neere coniunction and vnion betwixt them.
VnderUnder the face and countenance I compriſe head, brow, eies, lips and ſuch other parts which are, according as they are framed, ſignes of amiableneſſe, or diſcontentedneſſe. Now among, and aboue other parts of the body, the outward compoſition of the countenance doth ſooneſt and beſt declare the inward diſpoſition of the heart. By Eſaus pleaſant countenance Iaakob perceiued that he was pacified in his heart towards him, and thereupon ſaid, I hauehave ſeene thy face as though I had Gen. 33. 10.ſeene the face of God, that is, an amiable, gracious countenance. On this ground Dauid deſired God, to lift vp the light of his Pſal. 4. 6.countenance vponupon him, that thereby he might know the fauour and louelove of God towards him. On the other ſide by a frowning and lowring face, by hanging downe the head, putting out the lips, with the like, anger, malice, griefe, with other like affections of heart, are manifeſted: by Caines caſting downe Gen. 4. 6.of his countenance God diſcerned anger and enuy to be in his heart: by Labans countenance Iaakob obſerued that his affection Gen. 31. 2.was turned from him. A wife then beholding mildneſſe and amiableneſſe in her husbands face, beholds it as the face of God, and therein as in a looking glaſſe beholds the kindneſſe and louelove of his heart, and ſo hath her heart thereby the more firmely knit vntounto him, and is moued the more to reſpect him.
§. 41. Of husbands too great auſteritie.
Contrary is 1. A loftie proud countenance, as of an imperious Contrary. 1. A lofty brow.Lord ouer his vaſſals.
2. A grim ſterne countenance, as of a iudge ouer poore priſoners.2. A grim looke.
3. A lowring frowning countenance, as of a diſcontented 3. A frowning forehead.…reditor ouer a deſperate debtor.
4. A fierce fiery countenance, as of an angry King ouer a 4. A fiery eye.…biect that hath diſpleaſed him.
Theſe and ſuch like countenances as they manifeſt a proud, ſtout, furious diſcontented diſpoſition of heart, ſo they cannot but giuegive great diſcontent to a wife, yea and much affright her being but a weake veſſell, and alienate her heart and affection from him.
§. 42. Of an husbands familiar geſture with his wife.
II. An husbands geſture ought to be ſo familiar, and amiable 2. Mild geſlure.towards his wife, as others may diſcerne him to be her husband, and his wife may be prouoked to be familiar with him. They which this way are ready to ſhew themſelues kind and milde husbands, are prone to exceed and ſo to fall into an extreame on the right hand: for ſome are neuer well but when they hauehave their wiues in their laps, euer colling, kiſſing, and dallying with them, they care not in what company; thus they ſhew more lightneſſe, fondneſſe, and dotage, then true kindneſſe and louelove, which forgetteth not an husband-like grauity, ſobriety, modeſty and decency.
Some ſticke not to alledge Iſaacks ſporting with Rebeckah, to Obiect.countenance their laſciuiouſneſſe.Gen. 26. 8.
But they forget that what Iſaak did, was when he and his Anſw.wife were alone: he was ſeene through a window. Much greater liberty is granted to man and wife when they are alone, then in company. Beſides there are many other waies to ſhew kindneſſe and familiarity, then by lightneſſe and wantonneſſe.
§. 43. Of an husbands ſtrangeneſſe to his wife.
Contrary to the familiaritie I ſpeake of, is (as we ſpeake) ſtrangeneſſe, when an husband ſo carrieth himſelfe towards his wife as if ſhe were a ſtranger to him: if he come in cōpany where his wife is, of all other women he will not turne to her, nor take notice of her. This fault is ſo much the greater if ſuch a man be of a free pleaſant cariage, and vſe to be merry and familiar with other women. Though his mirth and familiarity be ſuch as is not vnbeſeeming a Chriſtian, yet his cariage being of another temper towards his wife, it may be a meanes to breed iealouſie in her. Many thinke outward kinde geſture towards wife to be fondneſſe, but if they knew what a meanes it is to ſtirre vp, increaſe, and preſerue louelove in a wiues heart to her husband, they would be otherwiſe minded.
§. 43. Of an husbands giuing fauours to his wife.
III. Actions are of all other the moſt reall demonſtrations of true kindneſſe, wherein an husband muſt not faile, as he would hauehave his kinde ſpeech, countenance, and geſture to be taken in the better part. Kindneſſe and mildneſſe in action conſiſteth in giuing fauours (as we ſpeake) vntounto his wife. This is expreſly noted in Elkanah, who eueryevery yeere gaue fauours to 1 Sam. 1. 4, 5.his wiues. Thus an husband as he teſtifieth his louelove to his wife, ſo he will much prouoke her to doe all duty to him. A ſmall gift, as an action of kindneſſe freely giuen, not vponupon any debt, but in teſtimony of louelove, doth more worke on the heart of her to whom it is giuen, then much more giuen vponupon contract, or for a worke done, whereby it may ſeeme to be deſerued.
In giuing fauours to a wife, an husband ought to be more bountifull and liberall, then to others, that ſo ſhe may ſee thereby he loues her aboue all; as it is noted that Elkanah gaue Annah a worthy portion, becauſe he loued her. And in giuing 1 Sam. 1. 4.fauours it is beſt to beſtow them with his owne hands, vnleſſe he be abſent from her.