Of Domestical Duties, Treatise 4 · Section 18 – Section 34
§. 18. Of husbands *Treat. 3. § 38, 39, &c. & §. 43 44, &c.forbearing to exact all that they may.
As a wiues reuerence ſo alſo her obedience muſt be anſwered with her husbands courteſie. In teſtimony whereof, An huſband 3. By accepting what ſhe is willing to doe.muſt be ready to accept that wherein his wife ſheweth her ſelfe willing to obey him. He ought to be ſparing in exacting too much of her: in this caſe he ought ſo to frame his cariage towards her, as that obedience which ſhe performeth, may rather come from her owne voluntary diſpoſition, from a free conſcience to God-wards, euen becauſe God hath placed her in a place of ſubiection, and from a wiue-like louelove, then from any exaction on her husbands part, and as it were by force.
Husbands ought not to exact of their wiues, whatſoeuer 4. By forbearing to exact too much.wiues ought to yeeld vntounto if it be exacted. They muſt obſerue what is lawfull, needfull, conuenient, expedient, fit for their wiues to doe, yea and what they are moſt willing to doe before they be too peremptorie in exacting it. For example.
1. Though the wife ought to goe with her husband, and 5. By ſuffering her to dwell where it is meeteſt for her.dwell where he thinkes meet, yet ought not he (vnleſſe by vertue of ſome vrgent calling he be forced thereto) remoue her from place to place, and carrie her from that place where ſhe is well ſetled without her good liking. aGen. 31. 4, &c.Iaakob conſulted with his wiues, and made try all of their willingneſſe, before he carried them from their fathers houſe.
2. Though ſhe ought cheerefully to entertaine what gueſts 6. By forbearing to tire her with gueſts.he bringeth into the houſe, yet ought not he to be grieuous and burdenſome therein vntounto her: the greateſt care and pains for entertaining gueſts lyeth on the wife: ſhe ought therefore to be tendred therein.
If he obſerue her conſcionable and wiſe, well able to manage 7. By ſuffering her to manage the affaires of the houſe.and order matters about houſe, yet loth to doe any thing without his conſent, he ought to be ready and free in yeelding his conſent, and ſatisfying her deſire, as b1 Sam. 1. 23., Elkanah: and if ſhe be baſhfull and backward in asking conſent, he ought voluntarily of himſelfe to offer it: yea and to giuegive her a generall conſent to order and diſpoſe matters as in her wiſdome ſhe ſeeth meet, as the ſaid Elkanah did: (Doe (ſaith he to his wife) what ſeemeth thee good:) and cPro. 31. 11.the husband of that good houſewife which Salomon deſcribeth.
A generall conſent is eſpecially requiſite for ordering of houſhold affaires: for it is a charge laid vponupon wiues to d1 Tim. 5. 14. foreign.guide the houſe: whereby it appeareth that the buſineſſes of the houſe appertaine, and are moſt proper to the wife: in which reſpect ſhe is called the *Materfamilias.houſ-wife: ſo as therein husbands ought to referre matters to their ordering, and not reſtraine them in eueryevery particular matter from doing any thing without a ſpeciall licence and direction. To exemplifie this in What things are to be put to the wiues diſpoſing.ſome particulars, it appertaineth in peculiar to a wife,
1. To ePro. 31. 21, 22.order the decking and trimming of the houſe.
2. To fUerſ. 15.diſpoſe the ordinary prouiſion for the family.
3. To gGen. 16. 6.rule and gouerne maid ſeruants.
4. To h1 Tim. 5. 10. Tit 2 4.bring vp children while they are young, with the like. Theſe therefore ought he with a generall conſent to referre to her diſcretion: with limitation only of theſe two 2 King. 4. 19.cautions.
1. That ſhe hauehave in ſome meaſure ſufficient diſcretion, Cautions about referring matters of the houſe to the wiues ordering.wit, and wiſdome, and be not too ignorant, fooliſh, ſimple, lauiſh, &c.
2. That he hauehave a generall ouerſight in all, and ſo interpoſe his authority as he ſuffer nothing that is vnlawfull or vnſeemly to be done by his wife about houſe, children, ſeruants, or other things: for
1. The generall charge of all lieth principally vponupon him.
2. He ſhall giuegive an account vntounto God for all things that are amiſſe in his houſe.
3. The blame of all will alſo before men lie vponupon him.
But thoſe two cautions prouided, he ought together with his generall conſent iPro. 31. 11.put truſt in his wife, (as kGen. 39. 6. Difference betwixt the truſt put in a wife, and in others.Potiphar did in Ioſeph) making herein a difference betwixt a wife, and all others whether children of yeeres, friends, or ſeruants whom he imployeth in his affaires. Them in eueryevery particular he may direct for matter and manner, and take a ſtrait account of them for expences laid out, or other things done: becauſe what they doe is wholly and only for another. To his wife (who is a ioynt parent of his children, and gouernour of his houſe, to whoſe good the husbands wealth redoundeth, and in that reſpect doth for her ſelfe that which ſhe doth for her husband) greater liberty, and licence muſt be giuen.
§. 19. Of husbands too much ſtrictneſſe towards their wiues.
Contrary is the rigour and auſteritie of many husbands, who ſtand vponupon the vttermoſt ſtep of their authoritie, and yeeld no more to a wife then to any other inferiour. Such are they
1. Who are neuer contented or ſatisfied with any dutie the In what things an husband manifeſteth too much ſtrictneſſe.wife performeth, but euer are exacting more and more.
2. Who care not how grieuous and burdenſome they are to their wiues: grieuous by bringing ſuch gueſts into the houſe as they know cannot be welcome to them: burdenſome by tu frequent, and vnſeaſonable inuiting of gueſts, or impoſing other like extraordinary buſineſſes, ouer and aboue the ordinary affaires of the houſe. Too frequent impoſing of ſuch things, cannot but breed much weariſomneſſe. Vnſeaſonable (as when the wife is weake by ſickneſſe, childe-bearing, giuing ſucke or other like meanes, and ſo not able to giuegive that contentment which otherwiſe ſhe would) cannot but much diſquiet her, and giuegive her great offence.
3. Who hold their wiues vnderunder as if they were children or ſeruants, reſtraining them from doing any thing without their knowledge and particular expreſſe conſent.
4. Who are ouer buſie in prying into eueryevery buſineſſe of the houſe, and will hauehave their hand in all. Beſides that ſuch huſbands afford no opportunity to their wiues of giuing proofe of that vnderſtanding, wit, wiſdome, care, and other gifts which God hath endowed them withall, they take away that maine end for which a wife was giuen a man, namely, to be a… helpe. Such husbands cannot but neglect other more weighty Gen. 2. 18.matters, which more properly belong vntounto them. For obſerue it and you ſhall finde, that ſuch husbands as are moſt buſie about the priuate affaires of the houſe appertaining to their wiues, are moſt negligent of ſuch affaires as appertaine vntounto themſelues: they thinke they walke in integrity, but yet are they not iuſt nor wiſe therein: for the iuſt man walketh in HIS integrity, Pro. 20. 7. & 14. 8.and the wiſdome of the prudent is to vnderſtand HIS way: (i.) that integrity which appertaineth to his owne peculiar place; and his owne way: but eueryevery foole will be medling, namely, with things not belonging to his place.& 20. 3.
5. Who are ouer ſuſpicious of their wiues, and thereupon ouer ſtrickt in taking account of them. S. Paul calleth ſurmizes 1 Tim. 6. 4.euill, and that not without iuſt cauſe: for euill they are in their nature, and euill in their effects, being occaſions of many miſchiefes: but in none ſo euill as in husbands ouer their wiues. If a wiues fidelity (to whoſe good the welfare of the family, and increaſe of the ſtocke redoundeth as well as to the huſbands) be without iuſt cauſe ſuſpected, who ſhall be truſted? It is the ouerthrow of many families, that ſeruants are truſted, and not wiues.
Thus farre of an husbands kinde acceptance of that which his wife is willing and able to doe.
§. 20. Of Husbands encouraging their wiues in good things.
The louelove which an husband oweth to his wife, further re…uireth Husbands muſt commend and reward good things in their wiues.that he wiſely commend and reward what ſhe hath well …one. That which the Apoſtle faith of the Magiſtrates authority, may fitly be applied to an husbands in relation to his wife, Doe that which is good, and thou ſhalt hauehave praiſe of the ſame. It is expreſly noted in the deſcription of a good husband, a Rom. 13. 3.…hat he praiſeth his wife: and in that he ſaith, cVerſ. 31.GiueGive her of the b Prou. 31. 28, 29.…uit of her hands, it is implied alſo that he rewardeth her.
This is an vndoubted euidence of his good acceptance of …er duty, and a further incouragement to ſtir her vp to goe on and continue in well doing. Yea this is alſo an euidence of his by and delight both in her perſon, and alſo in her well doing. … there be no delight in ones perſon, well doing will rather ſtir vp enuy then ioy: and they that enuy a mans well doing, will neuer commend, or reward him for it.
In an husbands commending of his wife this caueat muſt be put: that he ſo order his commendation as it ſauour not of flattery, or dotage: nor yet *Lege apud T. Liv. Dec. 1. l. 1. quid inde evenit, quòd regij iuuenes ſuam quis que vxorem miris modis laudare.ſtir vp luſt or enuy in others.
§. 21. Of husbands vngratefull diſcouraging their wiues.
Contrary is an vngratefull, if not enuious diſpoſition of ſuch Quisque ſuam laudot, ſtudijs certamina creſcunt. Ouid. Faſt. lib. 2.husbands, as paſſing by many good things ordinarily and vſually eueryevery day done by their wiues without any approbation, commendation or remuneration, are ready to diſpraiſe the leaſt ſlip, or neglect in them; and that in ſuch generall termes as if they neuer did any thing well, ſo as their wiues may well complaine and ſay as it is in the prouerbe,
Oft did I well, and that heare I neuer:
Once did I ill, and that heare I euer.
Yet ſuch will be ready to praiſe other mens wiues, and vp braid their owne wiues with the examples of thoſe other, when their owne doe farre excell them in all kinde of goodneſſe. What doth this ſhew but that either they take no notice of their own wiues goodneſſe, or elſe by reaſon of the commonneſſe thereof little regard it? If their wiues hauehave not the more grace in them, this diſpoſition is enough not only to diſcourage them from doing any good duty, but alſo to breed iealouſie in them, and to alienate their hearts from them.
§. 22. Of an husbands *Treat. 3. §. 10.mildneſſe.
Hitherto of that reſpect which an husband is to hauehave of that duty which his wife performeth to him.
For auoiding iuſt offence, an husband muſt further hauehave good reſpect to that which as duty he doth to his wife. As kindly he muſt accept duty at his wiues hands, ſo mildly he muſt performe that Oportet virum praecſſe vxori oblectando, & indulgendo. Plut. praec. Connub.duty which he oweth to her.
This mildneſſe is an eſpeciall fruit, and euidence of louelove, and a notable meanes to take away all offence that otherwiſe might be taken from many things which he doth. Sugar and Hony are not more pleaſant to the tongue, then mildneſſe to the heart; it cauſeth ſuch things as otherwiſe are irkſome and grieuous to the ſoule, to be well taken and applied, euen as bitter pils dipt in ſweet ſyrrop, or rolled vp in the ſoft pap of an apple, are ſoone ſwallowed downe and well digeſted. If an husband deſire to be accounted a ſeruant of the Lord he muſt learne this leſſon: For the ſeruant of the Lord muſt be gentle to all men. If any other ſeruant of the Lord, much more huſbands: 2 Tim. 2. 24.if to all men, moſt of all to their wiues: and that in many reſpects.
1. Becauſe of the neere vnion betwixt man and wife.
2. Becauſe of the ioynt authority ſhe hath with him ouer others: that herein he may be a preſident and example to her.
3. Becauſe of her weakneſſe: glaſſes are tenderly handled: a ſmall knocke ſoone breakes them.
§. 23. Of husbands bitterneſſe.
Contrary is bitterneſſe, a vice expreſly forbidden, and that in particular to husbands. A vice that cannot ſtand with an huſband-like louelove: whereupon the Apoſtle commanding the one forbiddeth the other, LoueLove (ſaith he) and be not bitter. Nothing Col. 3 19.more turneth the edge of his authority, peruerteth the vſe of his gouernment, prouoketh the ſtomacke of his wife, maketh his words and deeds leſſe regarded, then bitterneſſe. It is as gall and wormwood mixed with ſweet and wholeſome meats, which cauſeth that they cannot be well digeſted, but with violence are ſpit out againe ſo ſoone as euer they be taſted. Men in authority are much prone hereunto: and therefore O husbands be ſo much the more watchfull againſt it, louelove your wiues and be not bitter vntounto them.
§. 24. Of the *Treat. 3. §. 13. 14. Wherein a husbands mildneſſe is manifeſted.Titles which an husband giueth to his wife.
| The forenamed mildeneſſe of an huſband muſt be manifeſted in his | Speech, |
| Cariage. |
For ſo far as reuerence extends it ſelfe in the duties of wiues, muſt mildneſſe be extended in the duties of husbands.
Whether an husbands ſpeech be to his wife before her face, or of her *Of his ſpeech about her behinde her backe, See Treat. 2. Part. 2. §. 36. The ſpeech of husbands to their wiues ſweetned with mildneſſe.behinde her backe, it muſt be ſweetned with mildneſſe.
1. For his ſpeech to her, 1. The titles wherewith he calleth her. 2. The inſtructions which he giueth her. 3. The commandements which he layeth vponupon her. 4. The reproofes wherewith he checketh her, muſt all be mixed with mildneſſe.
Among other titles, the moſt ordinary and vſuall title (wife) 1. Mild and kinde titles.is a milde and kinde title, and leaſt offenſiue of all other: if an husband giuegive any other title to his wife, it muſt be ſuch an one as manifeſteth kindneſſe, familiaritie, louelove, and delight. Such are all the titles which Chriſt giueth to the Church, as Spouſe, LoueLove, Doue, with the like. I doe not deny but that in the Song of Salomon, and in other places of Scripture many titles are giuen and ſpeeches vſed by Chriſt to the Church which are not meet to be vſed by husbands to their wiues, becauſe they are metaphoricall, and hyperbolicall: but yet in them all we may obſerue tokens of amiableneſſe, kindneſſe, and mildneſſe, which is the end for which I hauehave alledged his example.
But contrary are ſuch titles as on the one ſide ſet the wife Contrary, vnſeemely titles.in too high a place ouer her husband, as Lady, Miſtreſſe, Dame, Mother, &c. And on the other ſide ſet her in too meane a rancke, as woman, wench, &c. And their Chriſtian names contracted, as Sal, Mal, Beſſe, Nan. &c. and names of kindred, as Siſter, and Coſen: and, opprobrious names, as ſtut, drab, queant; and names more befitting beaſts then wiues, as Cole, Browne, Muggle, &c.
Obiect. Theſe are titles of mildneſſe, kindneſſe, and much familiarity: for husbands call their wiues by theſe names, not when they are angry with them and diſpleaſed, but ordinarily, and vſually, euen when they are beſt pleaſed.
Anſw. The mildneſſe and familiarity which is required of an husband muſt be ſuch as may ſtand with his authority and place of eminency (as ſome of thoſe names doe not,) and with that neere coniunction which is betwixt man and wife about all others (as other doe not,) and with Chriſtian grauity and diſcretion (as other doe not.) Chriſtians therefore muſt take heed that by their practiſe they iuſtifie not corrupt cuſtomes.
§. 25. Of an husbands manner of inſtructing his wife.
2. To inſtruction the Apoſtle expreſly annexeth meekneſſe, Inſtruction to be giuen with meekneſſe.Inſtruct (ſaith he) with meekeneſſe, thoſe that oppoſe themſelues. If miniſters muſt vſe meekeneſſe when they inſtruct their people, much more husbands when they inſtruct their wiues: if 2 Tim. 2. 25. foreign.in caſe of oppoſition meekeneſſe muſt not be laid aſide, then in no caſe, at no time.
In this caſe to manifeſt meekeneſſe, let theſe rules be obſerued.Directions to inſtruct with meekeneſſe.
1. Note the vnderſtanding and capacity of thy wife, and accordingly fit thine inſtructions: if ſhe be of meane capacity, giuegive precept vponupon precept, line vponupon line, here a little and there a little: a little at once oft giuen (namely eueryevery day ſomething) will ariſe in time to a great meaſure, and ſo ariſe, as, together with knowledge of the thing taught, louelove of the perſon that teacheth will increaſe.
2. Inſtruct her in priuate betwixt thy ſelfe and her, that ſo her ignorance may not be blazed forth: priuate actions paſſing betwixt man and wife are tokens of much kindneſſe and familiarity.
3. In the family ſo inſtruct children and ſeruants when ſhe is preſent, as ſhe may learne knowledge thereby: there can be no more meeke and gentle manner of inſtructing, then by one to inſtruct another.
4. Together with thy precepts mixe ſweet and pithy perſwaſions, Contrary, harſhneſſe.which are teſtimonies of great louelove.
Contrary is an harſh and rough manner of inſtructing, when husbands goe about to thruſt into their wiues heads, as it were by violence, deepe myſteries which they are not able to conceiue, and yet if they conceiue not, they will be angry with them, and in anger giuegive them euill language, and proclaime their ignorance before children, ſeruants, and ſtrangers. This harſhneſſe is ordinarily ſo fruitleſſe, and withall ſo exaſperateth a womans ſpirit, as I thinke he were better cleane omit the duty then doe it after ſuch a manner.
§. 26. Of an husbands manner of *Treat. 3. §. 43, 51, 52. 63, 64. &c. Commandements to be ordered with mildneſſe.commanding his wife any thing.
3. The commandements which an husband giueth to his wife, whether they be affirmatiue (bidding her to doe ſomething) or negatiue (forbidding her to doe this or that) muſt all be ſeaſoned with mildneſſe. For which end reſpect muſt be had to the matter and manner of his commandements.
In regard of the matter the things which he commandeth What things he may command his wife.his wife to doe, muſt be
1. Such as are indeed lawfull and honeſt.
2. Such as ſhe is perſwaded to be ſo.
3. Such as beſeeme her place.
4. Such as are of weight and moment.
And on the contrary, the things which he forbiddeth muſt be
1. Such as are indeed vnlawfull to be done.What things he may forbid his wife.
2. Such as he can euidently proue vntounto her to be vnlawfull.
3. Such as are vnbeſeeming her place.
4. Such as will hauehave ſome euill and miſchieuous effect if they be done.
1. To command a thing vnlawfull, or forbid a thing which ought to be done, is to bring his owne authority into oppoſition with Gods: in which caſe he bringeth his wife into this ſtrait, either to reiect Gods commandement or his. How then can ſhe thinke that her husband loueth her, when he bringeth her into ſuch ſnares and ſtraits, that ſhe muſt needs fall into the gulfe of Gods diſpleaſure, or knocke againſt the rocke of her husbands offence? Mildneſſe is farre from ſuch commandements.
2. The like may be ſaid of ſuch things as to a wiues conſcience Such things as a wife maketh doubt of, not to be preſſed vponupon her.ſeeme to be ſinnefull, if they be enioyned to her; or her bounden duty, if they be forbidden: eſpecially if ſhe hauehave any ground for her conſcience out of Gods word. The conſcience is ſubiect to God alone: if it be forced it will be a fearefull horror, and a very hell in that party whoſe conſcience is forced: She that doubteth is condemned if ſhe doe that whereof Rom. 14. 23.ſhe maketh doubt.
1. Obiect. In doubtfull matters the commanding power Of what doubtfull things the commanding power of a gouernour may be a warrant.of a gouernour is ſufficient warrant and ground to reſolue the conſcience of them that are vnderunder authority.
Anſw. 1. In things meerely doubtfull concerning which the partie in ſubiection hath not warrant out of Gods word one way or other, it may be ſo. But when the conſcience doth not doubt and hang in ſuſpence, but is out of ſome ground taken from Gods word perſwaded that that which is commanded is vnlawfull, or that which is forbidden is a bounden dutie, then to doe this, or to leaue that vndone, is to the party ſo perſwaded a ſinne: and this is the doubting (whereof the Apoſtle ſpeaketh) that condemneth a man. In this caſe to vrge a wife to doe this, or not to doe that, is to vrge her to ſinne: which a milde ſpirit and louing heart will not doe.
2. Though the husbands command be ſufficient warrant to the wife, and if he peremptorily preſſe her to this or that, ſhe ought to yeeld, yet the louelove and mildneſſe required of an husband ſhould make him ſo to tender her as to remit ſomething of his power, and when he ſeeth her conſcience troubled about his command, to releeue her conſcience by for bearing to preſſe that which ſeemeth ſo burthenſome to her. A husband may ſinne in preſſing that too much vponupon his wife, which ſhe vponupon his preſſing may without ſinne yeeld vntounto.
§. 27. Of an husbands *Treat. 4. §. 66.wiſe carriage when his wife is erroneeuſly ſcrupulous.
2. Obiect. What if an husband vponupon his knowledge obſerue his wife to be erroneouſly ſcrupulous, and to miſinterpret and miſapply the word of God which ſhe maketh the ground of her ſcruple?
Anſw. He muſt firſt labour to reſolue her conſcience by a plaine diſcouery of her error; which is a true and a great token of louelove: if notwithſtanding all that he can doe in that kinde ſhe cannot be brought to yeeld to that which he would hauehave, then he muſt carefully obſerue theſe two things.
1. Whether her refuſing to yeeld, be an obſtinacy, or weakeneſſe.
2. Whether it be about a ſleight or weighty matter.
By the reaſons which ſhe rendreth, and her manner of preſſing How a wiues refuſing to yeeld may be diſcerned to be on obſtinacy or weakeneſſe.them, he may diſcerne whether weakeneſſe or obſtinacy make her ſtand out againſt him: if the reaſon which ſhe reſteth on taken from Gods word be doubtfull, and to one that hath not a good ſound iudgement, and a ſharpe diſcerning wit, it may appeare to make ſomething for her, it is to be preſuppoſed that there is more weakeneſſe then ſtoutneſſe in her. But if ſhe can render no good reaſon, but only take eueryevery ſhew that any way ſeemeth to incline to her words, and peremptorily holdeth the concluſion, and ſtifly ſtandeth on her owne reſolution, though the vanity of her pretences be euidently diſcouered to her, ſo as ſhe hath not any thing further to obiect; or if ſhe render no reaſon at all but her owne thought, conceit and will, and yet refuſeth to yeeld, ſurely obſtinacy poſſeſſeth her heart. In caſe of obſtinacy it is very expedient that an husband ſtand vponupon his power to maintaine his authority, and by the beſt wiſdome he can (vſing only ſuch meanes as are lawfull) bring her to yeeld from her ſtoutneſſe to that which he requireth: eſpecially if the matter be weighty: as in caſe a religious man hauehave been maried to a Popiſh wife, and ſhe by no reaſon will be moued to forbeare going to Maſſe, or yeeld to goe to the preaching of the Goſpell. But if through weakeneſſe ſhe cannot be perſwaded of the lawfulneſſe of that her husband requireth, and the matter required be of no great conſequence, nor the weakeneſſe of her conſcience cauſe any great error, an husband ought ſo farre to manifeſt his mildneſſe as to forbeare to preſſe her conſcience.
§. 28. Of an husbands *Treat. 3. §. 43, 44. &c.forbearing to preſſe things vnbeſeeming a wiues place.
3. Things vnbeſeeming the place of a wife are diſhonourable vntounto her: for an husband to vrge his wife by ſtrict charge to doe them, implieth more rigorouſneſſe then mildneſſe. Had the ſpirit of that ſtout Monarch Ahaſhueroſh beene more milde towards his wife, he would not hauehave ſo farre preſſed his wife vntounto ſo vnſeemly a thing as he did, namely, to come before all his Princes and people to make ſhew of her beautie. It is true indeed (as we ſhewed *Treat. 3. §. 28.before) that ſhe offended in refuſing to yeeld thereunto, he peremptorily requiring it; but that offence on her part doth not juſtifie his fact, and free him from all blame: it is noted, that he was merry with wine, when he gaue that commandement, Eſt. 1. 10.whereby is intimated, that his practiſe was more beſeeming a drunken, then a ſober man: ſuch is their practiſe who exact of their wiues to doe ſuch buſineſſes as beſeeme maid-ſeruants rather then wiues, or ſtrumpets rather then honeſt women; as to goe to tauernes, ale-houſes, play-houſes, and ſuch places where light companions be.
§. 29. Of an husbands preſſing his authoritie in weighty matters.
4. To vſe a mans authoritie about weightie matters, matters of moment, maketh it to hauehave ſuch weight in it, as it will much better be regarded: for thus a wife will either be brought to yeeld vntounto that which is commanded, or to condemne her ſelfe for not yeelding: yea thus a wife may ſee, that it is not his owne will ſo much which maketh him to vſe his authoritie in commanding, as the neceſſitie of the thing it ſelfe, which redoundeth eſpecially to her good that doth it: for the performance of a dutie is for the moſt part moſt aduantageable to the partie that performeth it, ſo as hereby an husband ſheweth louelove to his wife in preſſing that which he preſſeth.
This token of louelove that it may the better appeare, it is behouefull Reaſons of preſſing a cō mandement to be rendred.that an husband adde to his commandement iuſt & weightie reaſons, that thereby his wife may the better diſcerne the meetneſſe, lawfulneſſe, expediencie, and neceſſitie of the things commanded. We know that all the things which God commandeth are weightie and neceſſarie: yea his will (being the very rule, and ground of all goodneſſe) maketh things abſolutely neceſſarie, yet vntounto his commandements he vſeth to adde weightie reaſons; ſhewing on the one ſide the benefit and bleſſedneſſe that will come to ſuch as obey his commandements; and on the other ſide, the miſchiefe and miſerie that will fall on their pates who refuſe to obey; whereby he ſheweth the great good reſpect which he beareth to vsus, and the earneſt deſire he hath of our good. Thus may an husband euen in his commandements ſhew much louelove and kindneſſe.
§. 30. Of husbands too great pride in commanding.
Contrary is the peremptorie pride of husbands, when they will hauehave their owne will done: it booteth not whether the thing commanded be lawfull or vnlawfull, whether their wiues conſciences can yeeld vntounto it or no, whether it ſtand with the honour of their places or no, and whether it be weightie or light; their will it is it ſhould be done, and done it ſhall be, there is all the reaſon they will giuegive. Some thinke it a glory to command what they liſt; and thinke that there is no proofe of their authoritie, and of their wiues ſubiection, but in ſuch things as vponupon their own will, without any further ground or reaſon, they command. If ſuch husbands meet with confronts; if though they command much, they finde not anſwerable performance; they may thanke themſelues, who runne the ready courſe to hauehave their authoritie contemned and euen troden vnderunder foot.
§. 31. Of husbands rare and milde vſing their commanding power.
Reſpect muſt be had by husbands to the manner of vſing their authoritie in commanding as well as to the matter.
In regard of the manner his commandements muſt be
1. Rare, not too frequent.
2. By way of intreating, not too peremptorie.
Authoritie is like a ſword, which with ouer much vſing will 1. Commanding muſt be rare.be blunted, and ſo faile to doe that ſeruice which otherwiſe it might when there is moſt need. A wiſe, graue, peaceable man, may alwayes hauehave his ſword in readineſſe, and that alſo very bright, keene, and ſharpe: but he will not be very ready to plucke it out of his ſcabberd; he rather keepeth it for a time of need, when it ſhould ſtand him in moſt ſteed. Such husbands therefore as are too frequent in their commands, ſhew themſelues nor graue, nor wiſe, nor louers of peace.
As the vſe of an husbands authoritie in commanding muſt be 2. Commanding muſt be by way of intreating. Philem. 9.rare, ſo when there is occaſion to vſe it, it muſt be with ſuch mildneſſe and moderation tempered, ſo as (according to Saint Pauls example) though he hauehave power to command that which is conuenient, yet for loues ſake he rather intreat it. Note how mildly Abram frameth his ſpeech to his wife, Say I pray thee Gen. 12. 13.(ſaith he) thou art my ſister. Though the thing he required fauoured of too much weakneſſe, yet his manner of requiring it was well beſeeming a kinde husband.
§. 32. Of husbands inſolencie and peremptorineſſe.
Contrary is the inſolencie of many, who cannot ſpeake to their wiues, but in commanding-wiſe. Their authoritie is like a ſwaggerers ſword, which cannot long reſt in the ſheath, but vponupon eueryevery ſmall occaſion is drawne forth. This frequent vſe of commanding, maketh their commandements nought regarded. The like may be ſaid of them who are too peremptorie in commanding: there muſt be no ſaying of nay, to that which they ſay: vponupon command they will hauehave their minde done, and no other way: no perſwaſion, no intreatie ſhall be vſed: they will rather not at all hauehave their will done, then not vponupon abſolute command: nay they will not ſuffer others, in caſe of any refuſall, to intreat, or perſwade, but will try what abſolutely they can doe by authoritie. Thus as by trying to bend ſteele how farre it will goe, it oft breaketh; ſo by putting their authoritie to the vttermoſt triall, they oft loſe all their authoritie: in which caſe the mends (as we ſpeake) is in their owne hands.
§. 33. Of an husbands *Treat. 3. §. 47. Husbands ought to reproue.reprouing his wife.
4. The authoritie and charge which God hath giuen to an husband ouer his wife, doe require that as good and iuſt occaſion is offered, he ſhould reproue her: for this is an eſpeciall meanes to draw her from thoſe ſinnes, wherein otherwiſe ſhee might liue and lie, yea and die alſo; and ſo liue, lie, and die vnderunder Gods wrath: out of which miſerie and wretchedneſſe to free a wife, is as great a token of louelove, as to pull her out of the water when ſhe is in danger of drowning, or out of the fire when ſhe is in danger of burning. Solomon thus ſtileth reproofes, aPro. 15. 31.reproofes of life, and expreſly noteth b& 6. 23.reproofes to be the way of life, a meanes to breed and preſerue ſpirituall life, and to bring one vntounto eternall life, and ſo to eſcape death and damnation. In theſe reſpects rebukes are called a pretious balme, or excellent oyle, which may heale a wound, but make none: it cPſal. 141. 5. See the fruits of reproofe, Treat. 3. §. 47.breaketh not the head, as the Pſalmiſt ſpeaketh. VponUpon this ground, no doubt, it is noted of many good husbands, who were without all queſtion, louing, kinde, meeke, and milde husbands, that they reproued their wiues: as dGen. 30. 2.Iaakob, eIob 2. 10.Iob, f2 Sam. 6. 21, 22.Dauid, and others.
§. 34. Of neglecting reproofe.
Contrary is a ſeruile and timorous minde of many husbands, who are loth to offend, and (as they thinke) to prouoke their wiues; and thereupon chuſe rather to let them continue in ſinne, then tell them of it. Wherein they both diſhonour their place, and the image of God, which by vertue of their place they carry, and alſo in effect and in truth hate their wiues; which the Law implieth, where it ſaith, Thou ſhalt not hate thy brother in thine heart, Leuit. 19. 17.but ſhalt plainly rebuke thy neighbour, and not ſuffer ſinne vponupon him.