Letters in Two Parts, Part 1 · LETTER 56
To Mr THOMAS GARVEN. (56)
Reverend & Dear Brother.
GRace, mercy & peace be unto you: I am sorry that what joy & sorrow drew from my imprisoned pen in my love-fits, hath made you & many of God's children beleeve, that there is something in a broken reed the like of me, except that Christ's grace hath bought such a sold body, I know not what else any may think of me, or expect from me: my stock is less [my Lord knoweth I speak truth] then many beleeve: my empty sounds have promised too much: I would be glad to lie under Christ's feet, & keep & receive the off-fallings or the old pieces of any grace that fall from his sweet fingers to forlorn sinners: I lie often uncouth-like, looking in at the King's windowes: surely I am unworthy of a seat in the King's hall-floor: I but often look afar off, both feared and framed-like to that fairest face, fearing he bid me look away from him: my guiltiness riseth up upon me & I have no answer for it: I offered my tongue to Christ & my pains in his house, & what know I what it meaneth when Christ will not receive my poor propine: when love will not take, we expone, it will neither take nor give, borrow nor lend. Yet Christ hath another sea-compass he saileth by, then my short & raw thoughts: I leave his part of it to himself. I dare not expound his dealing as sorrow & misbelief often dictateth to me: I look often with bleared and blinde eyes to my Lords cross, & when I look to the wrong-side of his cross, I know I miss a step & slide: surely I see I have not legs of my own for carrying me to heaven, I must goe in at heavens gates borrowing strength from Christ. I am often thinking, Oh if he would but give me leave to love him, & if Christ would but open up his wares, & the infinite, infinite plyes & windings & corners of his soul-delighting-love, & let me see it back-side & fore-side, & give me leave but to stand beside it, like an hungry man beside meat, to get my fill of wondering as a preface to my fill of enjoying: but verily I think my foul eyes would defile his fair love to look to it: Either my hunger is over humble [if that may be said] or else I consider not what honour it is to get leave to love Christ. O that he would pity a prisoner, & let out a flood upon the dry ground! it is nothing to him to fill the like of me, one of his looks would doe me meekle world's good & him no ill. I know I am not at a point yet with Christ's love, I am not yet fitted for so much as I would have of it; my hope sitteth neighbour with meekle black hunger, & certainly I dow not but think, there is more of that love ordained for me, then I yet comprehend, & I know not the weight of the pension the King will give me; I shall be glad, if my hungry bill get leave to lie beside Christ waiting on an answer: now I would be full & rejoyce, if I got a poor man's almes of that sweetest love: but I confidently beleeve there is a bal made for Christ & me, & that we shall take our fill of love in it: & I often think, when my joy is run out & at the lowest ebbe, that I would seek no more but my rights past the King's great seal, & that these eyes of mine could see Christ's hand at the pen. If your Lord call you to suffering, be not dismayed; there shall be a new allowance of the King for you when ye come to it: One of the softest pillowes Christ hath, is laid under his witnesses head, though often they must set down their bare feet among thorns. He hath brought my poor soul to desire & wish, O that my ashes & the powder I shall be dissolved into, had well tuned tongues to praise him. Thus in haste, desiring your prayers & praises, I recommend you to my sweet, sweet Master, my honourable Lord of whom I hold all. Grace be with you.
Aberd. 1637. Yours in his sweet Lord Iesus, S. R.