Letters in Two Parts, Part 1 · LETTER 52
To JOHN STUART Provest of Ayr. [52.]
Much honoured & Dearest in Christ.
GRace, mercy & peace from God our father & from our Lord Jesus Christ be upon you: I expected the comfort of a letter to a prisoner from you ere now. I am here, Sir, putting off a part of my inch of time, & when I awake first in the morning [which is alwayes with great heaviness & sadness] this question is brought to my minde, Am I serving God or not? Not that I doubt of the truth of this honourable cause wherein I am engaged, [I dare venture in to eternity & before my judge that I now suffer for the truth: because that I cannot endure that my Master who is a free-born King, should pay tribute to any of the shields or pot-sheards of the earth: Oh that I could hold the crown upon my Princely King's head with my sinfull arm, howbeit it should be stroke from me in that service from the shoulder blade] but my closed mouth, my dumb Sabbaths, the memory of my communion with Christ, in many fair, fair dayes in Anwoth [whereas now my master gotteth no service of my tongue as then] hath almost broken my faith in two halves; yet in my deepest apprehensions of his anger, I see thorow a cloud that I am wrong, & he in love to my soul hath taken up the controversie betwixt faith & apprehensions, and a decret is past on Christ's side of it, & I subscribe the decret: The Lord is equal in his wayes, but my guiltiness often overmastereth my beleeving, I have not been well known, for except as to open out-breakings I want nothing of what Judas & Cain had; onelyonly he hath been pleased to prevent me in mercy & to cast me into a fever of love for himself, & his absence maketh my fever most painfull, & beside, he hath visited my soul & watered it with his comforts, but yet I have not what I would, the want of reall and felt possession is my onelyonly death, I know Christ pitieth me in this. The great men my friends that did for me, are dried up like winter brooks of water: All say, no dealing for that man, …is best will be, to be gone out of the Kingdom: so I see they tire of me, but beleeve me I am most gladly content that Christ breaketh all my idols in pieces: it hath put a new edge upon my blunted love to Christ, I see he is Jealouse of my love, & will have all to himself. In a word these six things are my burden. 1. I am not in the vineyard as others are, it may be because Christ thinketh me a withered tree not worthy it's room, but God forbid. 2. Woe, woe, woe is coming upon my harlot-mother this Apostat-kirk, the time is coming when we shall wish for doves wings to flee and hide us, Oh for the desolation of this land. 3. I see my dear master Christ going his alone [as it were] mourning in sackeloth, his fainting friends fear that King Jesus shall lose the field, but he must carry the day. 4. My guiltiness and the sins of my youth are come up against me, and they would come in the plea in my sufferings, as deserving causes in God's justice; but I pray God for Christ's sake he never give them that room, woe's me that I cannot get my Royall, dreadfull, mighty & glorious Prince of the Kings of the earth set on high. Sir, ye may help me & pity me in this, and bow your knee & blesse his name, & desire others to doe it, that he hath been pleased in my sufferings to make Atheists, Papists, & enemies about me, say, It is like God is with this prisoner. Let hell & the powers of hell [I care not] be let loose against me to doe their worst, so being Christ & my Father, & his Father be magnified in my sufferings. 6. Christ's love hath pained me, for howbeit his presence hath shamed me and drowned me in debt, yet he often goeth away when my love to him is burning, he seemeth to look like a proud wooer who will not look upon a poor match who is dying of love, I will not say he is lordly, but I know he is wise in hiding himself from a childe & a fool, who maketh an idol & a God of one of Christ's kisses, which is Idolatry: I fear I adore his comforts more then himself, and that I love the apples of life better then the tree of life. Sir write to me. Commend me to your wife, mercy be her portion. Grace be with you.
Aberd. 1637 Yours in his dearest Lord Iesus, S. R.