Letters in Two Parts, Part 1 · LETTER 205
To the Lady CULROSS. (205)
MADAM.
GRace, mercy & peace be to you: I am much refreshed with your letter, now at length come to me. I finde my Lord Jesus cometh not in that precise way that I lay wait for him, he hath a gate of his own: O how high are his wayes above my wayes! I see but little of him: It is best not to offer to learn him a lesson, but to give him absolutely his own will in coming, going, ebbing, flowing & in the manner of his gracious working. I want nothing but a back burthe… of Christ's love: I would goe through hell & the thick of the damned Devils to have a hearty feast of Christ's love, for he hath fettered me with his love, & run away & left me a chained man. Woe is me that I was so loose, rash, vain & graceless in my unbeleeving thoughts of Christ's love: But what can a soul under a non-entry [when my rights were wod-set and lost] doe else, but make a false libel against Christ's love? I know your self, Madam, and many moe will be witnesses against me, if I repent not of my unbelief; for I have been seeking the Pope's wares, some hire for grace within my self: I have not learned as I should doe, to put my stock & all my treasure in Christ's hand, but I would have a stock of mine own, & ere I was aware, I was taking hire to be the Law's advocate, to seek Justification by works: I forgot that grace is the onelyonly garland that is worn in heaven upon the heads of the glorified. And now I half rejoyce that I have sickness for Christ to work upon: since I must have wounds, well's my soul I have a day's work for my Physician Christ: I hope to give Christ his own calling, it setteth him full well to cure diseases. My ebbings are very low & the tide is far out when my Beloved goeth away; & then I cry, Oh cruelty! to put out the poor man's one eye & that, that was my joy next to Christ, to preach my welbeloved, then I make a noise about Christ's house, looking uncouth-like in at his window & casting my love & my desires over the wall, till God send better. I am often content my bill lie in heaven, till the day of my departure, providing I had assurance that mercy shall be written on the back of it: I would not care for on-waiting, but when I draw in a tired arm & empty hand withall, it is much to me; to keep my thoughts in order; but I will not get a gate for Christ's love: When I have done all I can I would fain yeeld to his stream, & row with Christ & not against him. But while I live, I see, that Christ's Kingdom in me will not be peaceable, so many thoughts in me rise up against his honour & kingly power. Surely I have not expressed all his sweet kindness to me, I spare to doe it lest I …e deemed to seek my self; but his breath hath sinelled of the powder of the merchants & of the King's spikenard. I think I conceive new thoughts of heaven, because the Carde & the Mappe of Haven that he letteth me now see, is so fair, & so sweet: I am sure we are niggards & sparing bodies in seeking: I verily judge, we know not how much may be had in this life, there is yet something beyond all we see, that seeking would light upon. O that my lovesickness would put me to a business, when all the world are sound sleeping, to cry & knock! But the truth is, since I came hither, I have been wondering, that after my importunity to have my fill of Christ's love, I have not gotten a reall sign, but have come from him crying, hunger, hunger. I think Christ letteth me see meat in my extremity of hunger, & giveth me none of it: When I am near the apple he draweth back his hand & goeth away, to cause me follow: And again when I am within an arm-length to the apple he maketh a now break to the gate, & I have him to seek of new: He seemeth not to pity my dwining & my swooning for his love. I dare sometimes put my hunger over to him to be judged, if I would not buy him with a thousand years in the hottest furnace in hell, sobeing I might enjoy him: But my hunger is fed with want & absence: I hunger & I have not, but my comfort is to lie & wait on, & to put my poor soul & my sufferings in Christ's hand: Let him make any thing out of me, sobeing he be glorified in my salvation, for I know I am made for him: O that my Lord may win his own gracious end in me! I will not be at ease, while I but stand so far aback: O if I were near him & with him, that this poor soul might be satisfied with himself! Your son in law W. G. is now truly honoured for his Lord and Master's cause: when the Lord is fanning Zion, it is a good token that he is a true branch of the vine, that the Lord beginneth first to dress him: He is strong in his …r… as he hath written to me, and his wife is his encourager, which should make you rejoyce. For your son, who is your grief, your Lord waited on you and me till we were …ipe and brought us in: It is your part to pray & wait upon him; When he i… ripe he will b… spoken for, who can command our Lord's wind to blow? I know it shall be your good in the latter end: That is one of your waters to heaven, ye could not goe about it, there are the fewer behinde. I remember you & him & yours, as I am able: But alas, I am beleeved to be something, & I am nothing but an emptie reed: Wants are my best riches, because I have these supp…ed by Christ, Remember my dearest love to your brother: I know he pleadeth with his harlot-mother for her Apostasie. I know also ye are kinde to my worthy Lady Kenmure. a woman beloved of the Lord, who hath been very mindfull of my bonds: The Lord give her to finde mercy & her childe in the day of Christ. Great men are dry and cold in doing for me, the tinckling of chains for Christ, affrighteth them; but let my Lord break all my idols, I will yet bless him. I am obliged to my Lord Lor…: I wish him mercy. Remember my bonds with praises, and pray for me that my Lord my leaven the North by my bands & sufferings. Grace be with you.
Aberd. July 9. 1637, Yours …his s swe Lord Iesus, S. R.