Letters in Two Parts, Part 1 · LETTER 145
To Mr JOHN FER GUSHILL. (145.)
Reverend & Dear Brother.
GRace, mercy & peace be to you: My longings & desires for a sight of the new builded tabernacle of Christ again in Scotland, that tabernacle that came down from heaven, hath now taken some l…fe again, when I see Christ making a mint to sow vengeance among his enemies. I care not, if this land be ripe for such a great wonderfull mercy; but I know he must doe, when ever it is done, without hire. I finde the grief of my silence & my f…ar to be holden at the door of Christ's house swelling upon me: & the truth is, were it not that I am dâted now & then with pieces of Christ's sweet love & comforts, I fear I should have made an ill browst of this honourable cross, that I know such a soft & sillyminded body as I am, is not worthy of: For I have little in me but softness & superlative & excessive apprehensions of fear & sadness & sorrow, & often God's terrors doe surround me, because Christ looketh not so favourably upon me, as a poor witness would have him: And I wonder how I have past a year & a quarter's imprisonment without shaming my sweet Lord, to whom I desire to be faithfull; & I think I shall die but even minting & aiming to serve & honour my Lord Jesus: Few know how toom & empty I am at home; but it is a part of Marriage-love & husband love, that my Lord Jesus goeth not to the streets with his chiding against me: It is but stoln & concealed anger that I finde & feel, & his glooms to me are kept under roof, that he will not have mine enemies hearing what is betwixt me & Christ: And beleeve me, I say the truth in Christ, the onelyonly gall and wormwood in my cup, & that which hath filled me with fear; hath been, lest my sins, that sun & moon & the Lord's children were never witness to, should have moved my Lord to strike me with dumb sabbaths: Lord pardon my soft & weak jealousies, if I be here in an error. My very dear Brother, I would have looked for more large & more particular letters from you, for my comfort in this; for your words before have strengthned me: I pray you, mend this: & be thankfull & pain…ull while ye have a piece or corner of the Lord's vineyard to dress. O would to God, I could have leave to follow you to break the clods! but I wish I could command my soul silence & wait upon the Lord. I am sure while Christ lives I am well enough friend-stead: I hope he will extend his Kindness & power for me; but God be thanked, it is not worse with me then a cross for Christ & his truth. I know he might have pitched upon many more choise & worthy witnesses, if he had pleased; …ut I seek no more [be what timber I will, suppose I were made of a piece of hell] then that my Lord in his infinite art, hew glory to his name & enlargement to Christ's Kingdom out of me. C… that I could attain to this, to desire that my part of Christ might be laid in pledge for the heightning of Christ's throne in Britain! Let my Lord redeem the pledge, or, if he please, let it sink & drown unredeemed: But what can I adde to him? Or what way can a smothered and born-down prisoner set out Christ in open market as a lovely & desireable Lord to many souls? I know he sieth to his own glory better then my ebbe thoughts can dream of, & that the vvheels & paces of this poor distempered Kirk are in his hands, & that things shall roll as Christ will have them: OnelyOnly, Lord tryst the matter so, as Christ may be made a housholder & Lord again in Scotland, and wet faces for his departure, may be dried at his sweet & much desired welcome-home. I see in all our trials, our Lord will not mix our wares & his grace over head through other; but he will have each man to know his own, that the like of me ma… say in my sufferings, This is Christ's grace, & this is but my course stuff, this is free grace & this is but nature and reason: We know what our legs would play us, if they should carry us through all our waters: and the least thing our Lord can have of us, is, to know we are grace's debters, or grace's dyvours, & that nature is of a base house & blood, & grace is better born & of… in & blood to Christ & of a better house. Oh that I were free of that Idol that they call my self, & that Christ were for myself, & my self a decourted cipher & a denied & forsworn thing! But that proud thing my self, will not play except it ride up side for side with Christ, or rather have place before him. O my self, another devil, as evil as the prince of devils, if thou could give Christ the way & take thine own room, which is to sit as low as nothing or corruption! O but we have much need to be ransomed & redeemed by Christ from that master-tyrant, that cruel & lawless Lord, our self! Nay, when I am seeking Christ & out of my self, I have the third part of a squint eye upon that vain, vain thing, my self, my self, & something of mine own: But I must hold here. I desire you to contribute your help, to see if I can be restored to my wasted & lost flock: I see not how it can be; except the Lords would procure me a liberty to preach; & they have reason: 1. Because the opposers & my adversaries have practised their new Canons upon me, whereof one is, That no deprived Minister preach under the pain of excommunication. 2. Because my opposing of these Canons was a special thing that incensed Sidserf against me. 3. Because I was indicially accused for my book against the Arminians, & commanded by the Chancellour to acknowledge I had done a fault in writing against Dr Iackson, a wicked Arminian. Pray for a room in the house to me. Grace, grace be, [as it is] your portion.
Aberd. 1637. Yours in his sweet Lord Iesus. S. R.