Advice to a Friend, Part 10
X.
THIS puts me in mind to ſpeak a little of Good Company, as a ſingular means not only to chear and refreſh your ſpirits; but to quicken and improve your mind alſo, in wiſdome, or vertue. The joy of one Soul, is no joy, ſay the Hebrews in their common Proverb; which is much-what the ſame with that of the Greeks, One man, is no man. Good Company will help to divert our thoughts, and yet not let us ſpend our time unprofitably. It will make us chearful, and yet wiſe and ſerious: It will delight us, and do us no harm; but make us rather much better.
Some chearfulneſs, I confeſs, is ſuppoſed in a Mans ſpirit, to make him good Company for his Neighbours; for it renders his conceits quick and pleaſant, his words gracious and acceptable, and his very countenance ſmooth and obliging. But if ſome dulneſs at preſent make him not to be a good Companion for them, yet they may be the better company for him; and their chearfulneſs may ſerve to revive his ſpirits, and make him as brisk and well pleaſed as themſelves. For it is not more natural to us to yawn, when others do; than to be uncloudy in our countenances, when the Faces of others ſhine.
We can ſcarce refrain from ſighing, when we are entering upon a very long Journey, through ways in which there are many dangers, and which we have never gone before. But to perform it all alone is ſo uncomfortable, that we are apt to grow weary as ſoon as we have begun it: and therefore are mighty inclined to ſeek for ſome Fellow-travellers, to make it ſeem leſs tedious. Our very Horſes will go the better, when they travel together: And the Beaſt (as ſome Philoſophers call our Body) which we carry along with us, will not be ſo ſoon tired, if we let it have ſome to follow, and bear it company. Whether it be that the forwardneſs of others ſpurs us up to mend our pace, or whether it be that love to them makes us like them, I know not; but ſo it is, that they who have the goodneſs of others to help and incourage them, are wont to find themſelves better diſpoſed, than otherwiſe they ſhould have been, if they had lived alone.
It is Solomon's Obſervation, XIII. Prov. 20. that, He who walketh with wiſe men ſhall be wiſe; but a Company of Fools ſhall be the worſe for it. We have an example of the former part of it (ſaith R. Eliezer) in Lot; who by the pious Example of Abraham with whom he lived, became a good Man, imitating his works, and walking in his ſteps. For as Abraham, when he dwelt in Charran, was wont to exerciſe hoſpitality, and to receive ſtrangers: So did Lot when he dwelt in Sodom; whereby he had the happineſs to entertain Angels. As a Man (ſaith he) who goes into the Shop of one that ſells Spices, though he cheapen and buy nothing, yet receives a grateful odor, and carries away a refreſhment: So does he that converſes with the juſt, partake of their good manners, and carries away a ſweet remembrance of their works. Therefore, either ſociety, or death, is a common Proverbial wiſh among the ſame Hebrews. One cannot tell which is the greater deſert, as Nauſiclides was wont to ſpeak, (as Athenaeus tells us) a place where there is no ſpring, or where there are no good Neighbours. He muſt be more than a Man, whoſe ſpirits do not fail him, if he want this refreſhment. He will ſoon be gone to another World, if he have no ſociety in this. It is a thing ſo neceſſary, that company not ſo good as we would wiſh, proves, now and then, better than none at all; if it be but to make us more contented when we are alone, and the more to prize our ſolitary opportunities.
And if we cannot have the ſociety of many, yet we may find great uſe of one ſpecial Friend, if well choſen. Nay, it is the advice of the wiſe Son of Syrach, VI. Eccluſ. 6. Be in peace with many: nevertheleſs have but one counſellour of a thouſand. O how great a good is this, for a Man to meet with a well-prepared Heart; wherein to lay up his ſecrets, more ſafe than a Jewel in his Cabinet? whoſe conſcience and fidelity he ſhall ſtand in leſs fear of, than his own, whoſe diſcourſe ſhall lenifie his carefulneſs; whoſe Opinion ſhall diſpatch his Counſels; whoſe chearfulneſs ſhall diſſipate his ſorrow…; and whoſe very aſpect is delightful! This is a Jewel worth ones ſeeking; and he that hath him not is but half a Man. A man without a Friend is like the left hand without the right, as one of the Jewiſh Doctors ſpeaks. He is an imperfect Creature; and, according to this Man's Opinion, wants the better part of Himſelf. But howſoever we may take Solomon's word for it, that two are better than one. If we have the uſe of another Mans parts, time and labours; it is as if we had two Souls, and as many Bodies; and did ſee with four Eyes, and think with two underſtandings. He illuſtrates this in that place, IV. Eccleſ. 9, 10, &c. by putting three Caſes, (which may be eaſily applied to our ſpiritual concernments) wherein the benefit of a vertuous friendſhip plainly appears. Firſt, In the caſe of inward weakneſs he ſaith, if the one fall, the other will lift up his fellow. When we ſlip, a good Friend will ſupport us; or if we be down, he will preſently reſtore us to our ſelves again. Secondly, In caſe of dulneſs, if the one be cold, the other may communicate ſome heat to him. If any Perſon think himſelf ſo ſtrong, that he is not in danger to fall, yet the beſt grown man may feel ſome chilneſs, & ſpiritual numbneſs creep upon his Soul: for, alas! we are at a great diſtance from the Sun, in compare with thoſe who are above, and it is, as it were, a Winter with us, while we are here in this lower World. Now, how can one, ſaith he, be warm alone? But, if two lie together, then they have heat. As two Fire-ſticks will ſingly caſt no warmth, but let their Flame dye; whereas both together will make a good Fire in the Chimney: ſo will two Friends that lie cloſe to each others hearts, keep themſelves from that coldneſs, which ſeparated would ſeiſe upon them both. And, Thirdly, In the caſe of worldly troubles and violent enemies that outwardly aſſault them, though they may prevail againſt one, yet two, he ſaith, ſhall withſtand them. When we have a ſecond, we may venture to go into the Field: and by a double ſtrength we may take up the Bucklers, and hope to overcome, when we might juſtly doubt of our own ſingle valour.
But I cannot better repreſent the truth of all this, than in the words of Simplicius, In Epict. Cap. 37.an excellent Philoſopher; who hath briefly, but fully demonſtrated the many happy advantages of pure and hearty Friendſhip, in a diſcourſe to this effect.
There is a truth in what is commonly ſaid, that when a Man hath got a Friend, he hath no longer one, but two Souls and Bodies. And then who can doubt, but that they who are poſſeſſed of each others Perſons, will have a communion in their external goods? But what is this, in compare with that great light of truth, which ſhines in united Souls? and with that compleat vertue, which, ariſing out of what excels in each, and being brought, as it were, into one common ſtock, is countenanced by the Heavenly Powers, who ſhine upon it, becauſe of its perfection? They are ſafer than other Men in their Counſels; they are leſs apt to trip in their actions; which are corroborated both by Prudence, and by Power. Nay, ſuppoſe a Mans occaſions call him into a far Country; he is preſent, by his faithful Friend, to all the relations he leaves behind him at home. Nay, not only while he lives, but when he is dead and departed to another World; he is as ſecure of their happineſs, during the life of his Friend, as if he ſtill remained himſelf and converſed among them. And what is there more pleaſant than the ſight of a Friend? What more grateful, than to hear his voice, and to behold his worthy actions? And as for truſt and confidence, neither Kindred, nor alliance to great Perſons, nor Riches, nor any thing elſe can ſo much aſſure it, as generous friendſhip. And therefore Alexander was not ill adviſed, who pointed to his Friends, when ſome asked where was his Treaſures? There is no ſuch Inſtructor and Tutor, as a Friend. None can perſwade us with ſo much eaſe; nor can any Man reprove us with ſo little offence; nor do we fear to offend, and do amiſs, upon the account of any ones diſpleaſure, ſo much as his. When he is preſent, he improves our pleaſures, and augments our proſperity: And as for our cares, he very much lightens them, and eaſes us of their burden. And what is there that can teach us civility, and an obliging converſation, ſo much as he? Obſerve how willing, or rather glad we are, to yield him the precedence in all things. We readily paſs by his faults, and overlook his errors. We declare our mind to him ſimply, and without any diſguiſe. We are ſtudious how to requite his favours; and preſerve, at leaſt, a grateful remembrance of his good turns. And as for humanity, kindneſs, and good nature, there is none to whom we extend it with ſo much alacrity, as to a Friend. For whom we are not unwilling to expoſe our ſelves to any danger: in ſo much, that if there were an Army of Friends liſted, a few Perſons would conquer great Multitudes. And therefore if a Man exerciſe himſelf in theſe things diligently, towards ſuch a Perſon, and make them familiar and eaſie to him by means of this friendly ſympathy; without all doubt he will be diſpoſed, when occaſion requires, to do the ſame proportionably, and as far as is meet, unto all other Men. Behold, the benefit of Friendſhip: whoſe ſweet influences all the neighbourhood feels, and fares the better for it. For it is not unworthy of remark, that it is Friendſhip which is the beſt bond, and ties us faſteſt to natural Relations. Nothing but this can link us to them with a ſtrong affection, and make us truly forward in their ſervice. For whether they be Brethren and Siſters, or Parents and Children, or Huſband and Wife, if they be not Friends alſo, though they be obedient to good Precepts, and perform the duties of their natural Relations, they will not diſcharge them with a chearful will, and with gladneſs of heart. They may be conſtrained to ſerve each other, leſt they ſhould ſeem to neglect their duty: but it is not nearneſs of blood, nor any thing elſe, that will make them freely apply themſelves to it, as a good that they love, and on which they have ſet their delight. They muſt be beholden for this, to friendly affection, which alone can make theſe relations happy. Whoſe power is therefore ſo predominant, becauſe it is the daughter of the will, the fruit of a voluntary choice. This makes it excell all natural affections, as much as the rational and voluntary operations, tranſcend all the other motions in humane Nature.
But what's all this, though great and wonderful, to that which may be ſtill ſaid in its praiſe? We have ſpoken hitherto, but of an humane good: That which is the greateſt of all, and the moſt Divine thing in it, is not taken notice of; viz. the approaches it makes to the other World. For ſincere friendſhip contracting the Souls of two into one, is the moſt excellent indeavour of humane nature, after union and conjunction with God. The union of Souls, who are near of kin here, is the preparation for the Heavenly union: and it is impoſſible without this, to be a conſort of the better Beings. The ſenſe of which made the Pythagoraeans prefer friendſhip before all other good qualities, and to call it the bond and combination of all the vertues. For no Man that is unjuſt, or intemperate, or fearful or ignorant and fooliſh can be capable of it. But he that would be a Friend, muſt purge himſelf from all the brutal affections of the Soul; and then ſeek for his like. And when he hath found him, let him embrace that Perſon, as if he had met, according to the fable of Ariſtophanes, with the other half of himſelf.
But the difficulty, you will ſay, is in finding him. True; and it requires ſome judgement to make a right choice. We muſt deliberate of all things with our Friend, but firſt of our Friend himſelf. And therefore you muſt remember the advice of the Son of Syrach, VI. Ecclus. 7. If thou wouldeſt get a Friend, prove him firſt; and be not haſty to credit him. For though Friendſhip begin in converſation, where Men ſoon find a mutual liking of each others Perſons, Words and Actions; yet they cannot ſo ſoon diſcover that likeneſs of humour and diſpoſition, and that ſympathy in deſires, which hath the greateſt power to unite Souls. In ſo much that when by continuance of converſation and mutual liking and happy agreement in all things, they are made one; the ſtate of things is ſo altered, that as at the firſt the Perſon was liked for what he ſaid or did, now the ſpeeches and actions ſhall be liked, becauſe they are ſaid and done by that Perſon.
But I ſhall ſcarce ſay any thing new in this Argument, (of which you know where to find a larger diſcourſe) and therefore I ſhall only add this, which is ſutable to the buſineſs in hand. When you want ſuch an one, let him not be a Perſon that is ſad and melancholy, or that loves always to be complaining; for, though he be never ſo honeſt and faithful, he will prove but an heavy Companion. And on the contrary, one that is too merry and jocund, will be no leſs diſagreeing to a ſerious ſpirit; and be apt to offend more by his levity and imprudence, than he gives content by his liberty and mirth. The happy mixture of both theſe humours, which will ſerve for a remedy to each other, compounds that Perſon, after whom we enquire. Juſt as the Romans (it is obſerved by an ingenious Perſon) eſteemed beſt thoſe Tribunes, who teſtified moſt inclination to the Senate; and among the Senators thought thoſe the beſt, who favoured moſt the Peoples ſide: So it ſeems that the beſt of the pleaſant humours are thoſe that come neareſt to the melancholy; and the beſt of the melancholy, thoſe that approach neareſt to the pleaſant. For where there is this temperature, the firſt ſort will be more diſcreet and prudent; and the latter leſs auſtere and incompliant. And if ſuch a perſon have a quick ſenſe of Divine matters; and be of a pittiful and ſympathizing diſpoſition, free from envy, patient of labours, and temperate in his pleaſures; if he have done us good before he was asked, and when he had done it, keeps it as a ſecret, and ſpeaks not of it (which Ariſtotle obſerves, is a ſign he doth it for our ſake,L. 2. Rhetor. cap. 4. and for no other end) you may repoſe the greater confidence in him, as one that is both more able and more willing to do you ſervice.
And therefore when you have found ſuch an one, think you have found great riches, though you ſhould be never ſo poor. Great Riches, did I ſay? Rather the greateſt Treaſure in this World. For if a Man be more worth than all the World, (as our Saviour ſuppoſes, IX. Luk. 25.) then he is the moſt wealthy Perſon, who intirely poſſeſſes a worthy Man, that's like himſelf: And there is no way to acquire ſuch a poſſeſſion, but only this. For though a Slave or a Servant be ours, yet they are ſo but in part. The firſt gives us power over him out of fear, and the ſecond, for reward: But it is a power over their Bodies only, and not over the men. Becauſe neither fear of puniſhment will tye up a Slave from rebellious thoughts; nor hope of reward oblige a Servant, to a chearful obedience in his will. He only hath intirely gain'd a man, and ſo added to himſelf ſomething better, than any poſſeſſion in this World, who enjoys a Friend, and hath won an abſolute power over the heart and affection of another Perſon. This is a rich man indeed, eſpecially when the Perſon he enjoys is one of real worth; having a mind ſtored with the Treaſures of Divine wiſdom, and an heart full of the love of God. Otherways it muſt be confeſſed, a Man loſes by this gain, and hath the leſs by this acceſſion of ſeeming riches. It was an audacious fancy of Boccalin's, and an unjuſt eſtimate which he made, when (in his Ballance wherein he weighs all the States of Chriſtendom) he ſuppoſes England, which he throws into the Scales for a counterpois to France, to weigh the lighter upon the addition of Scotland to it. But if we conceive the like Ballance for our purpoſe, we ſhall find it too true, that he who contracts a Friendſhip with a prating Companion, or a Perſon of no inward worth and value, will feel himſelf the poorer and the weaker (when he comes to weigh what he hath got) for his pretended increaſe; and the annexing of a Friend, will be an heavineſs, and not a refreſhment to his mind.
Whoſo feareth the Lord, therefore, ſhall direct his friendſhip aright: (as the Son of Syrach ſpeaks, VI. Ecclus. 17.) for as he is, ſo ſhall his Neighbour (or Familiar) be alſo. God loves ever, as the ancient Greek ſaying was, to bring like to like. He will guide a good man in his choice, and lead him by the hand to one that is good. In whom he will make account he hath found ſuch a plentiful fortune, that he will not be content to forgo it, and take his portion in ſome other goods. For, you may truſt the ſame wiſe man, Nothing doth countervail a faithful Friend, and his excellency is unvaluable, v. 15. It is a great comfort to us, but to think that we have ſuch a treaſure: for we receive no ſmall benefit by him, even when he is only the companion of our thoughts, and is not otherwiſe preſent with us. And therefore, change not a Friend for any good by no means: neither a faithful Brother for the Gold of Ophir, VII. 18. Covet his company above all others; and do not think you can preſs too near him, or be too familiar with him. Love him exceedingly; and be not willing, on any occaſion to be divided from him. There can be no danger you ſhould claſh, by being ever together: For as one of the Hebrews excellently expreſſes it, A Needles eye is not too strait for two Friends; and all the World is not wide enough for two Enemies. And if you muſt live at a diſtance from him; be not jealous of him, nor ſuſpect his conſtancy. For ſolid love, whoſe root is vertue, can no more dye, than vertue it ſelf; as Eraſmus excellently ſpeaks, in a Letter of his to one of our Country-men. When covetouſneſs, ſaith he,Lib. 9. Epiſt. 12. makes Men Friends, their love and their gain muſt needs end together. And they whom pleaſure allures to friendſhip, will make an end of loving, when they are ſatiated with it. And laſtly, they who have a great kindneſs one for another out of a childiſh forwardneſs, or a juvenile heat, will forſake one another with the ſame levity, that they embraced. Our kindneſs relies on ſtronger Pillars; for it was neither hope of gain, nor pleaſure, nor youthful affection, but an honeſt love of wiſdome and our common ſtudies which joyned us together. For good men are linkt and chained to each other, by their admiration and eſteem of the ſame things. And ſince the ſtudy of vertue is not ſubject to thoſe alterations and changes of fortune that other things undergo: the benevolence of good men muſt needs be perpetual, and is not in danger to ſuffer that decay, which is wont to be the fate of vulgar friendſhip. But that it may be the better preſerved and maintained, it is neceſſary that Friends frequent the company and converſation of each other, as much as they can. For, as Themiſtius well notes, Exerciſe is all in all things: and mutual converſation, Orat. 3.or correſpondence is the exerciſe of friendſhip.
But it is time to make an end of this, which I have the longer continued for the reaſon now named; becauſe the writing of all this is a good exerciſe of my Friendſhip to you. Let me only caſt in this one Rule, at the bottom of it. It is good to obſerve when any chilneſs and heavineſs creeps upon you, from what quarter it comes. I mean, you muſt follow the ſtream backward to the Fountain, and inform your ſelf of the cauſe of the alteration. If it be too much company; then, as ſoon as you can, ſeek retirement, and betake your ſelf to private Meditation. If too much ſolitarineſs; then find out ſome agreeable company, or run to your Friend. If the change of weather, then wait, if there be no other relief, till it change again. If you know not what, then believe you ſhall find a remedy in Gods goodneſs, you know not how. And it may give you ſome pleaſure perhaps, when you are moſt indiſpoſed, as to think of your Friend, ſo to ſend up this ſhort Prayer to Heaven for him, and for all thoſe that heartily love you, and to hope that they alſo are making the ſame addreſs upon your account. I put them all together indiſtinctly; it is in your power, at any time, to make it as particular as you pleaſe.
A PRAYER.
THou art love, O God: and art to be infinitely loved above all things. Bleſſed be thy goodneſs, who wouldst have us dwell in love; that we may dwell in Thee, and Thou in us. Bleſſed be thy goodneſs, that I am capable of ſuch happineſs; eſpecially of loving ſo great a good as thy ſelf, who art the fountain of all other good, from whom comes every good and perfect gift. To thee I owe my Health, my Peace, my Plenty, my Wit, and all other Indowments, either of my body or of my mind. I am exceedingly indebted to Thee, for the inconceivable felicity which thou haſt put me in hope of in the other World; and that thou art pleaſed to let me begin it here, in the company and ſociety of good men, eſpecially in the love of kind and faithful Friends.
I thank thee again, O God, and can never thank thee enough, for this and all other thy gifts, wherewith thou haſt enriched me: Beſeeching thee that my love may grow more fervent, by the daily conſideration of thy love to us all; and that I may have grace to improve and make the beſt uſe of this bleſſing, to my further increaſe in Wiſdom and Goodneſs, which are the greateſt treaſures of all. O that I may feel my heart diſpoſed and enclined, by a particular love to ſome, to be kind and loveing to all other men; and eſpecially to love thee and our bleſſed Lord the more, my beſt and my eternal Friend.
Beſtow upon thoſe to whom I am united in friendly affection, all that I can deſire for my ſelf: An healthful body, a long life, a clear underſtanding, a ready apprehenſion, an exact prudence, a vertuous will, an unwearied diligence, a conſtant chearfulneſs, a ſweet and obliging behaviour, an uſeful converſation, and good ſucceſs in all their undertakings. Requite all their kindneſſes to me, in multitude of bleſſings; and above all with a ſenſe of thy Divine favour, and with the perpetual joy and comfort of the Holy Ghoſt.
O bleſſed Lord, hear all their own Prayers. Hear them for themſelves, and for me alſo. And stir us up all, to pray with greater ardency; with a more zealous affection to thy Honour, and each others good; and with a moſt inflamed deſire to be as like thee, as poſſibly we can. That after a conſtant and hearty friendſhip here in this World, we may have a comfortable departure out of it; and reſt in a joyful hope to meet together in the other life, and embrace in the boſome of our bleſſed Lord, Chriſt Jeſus.
Amen, Amen.