A Spiritual Legacy, Account

A Spiritual Legacy · Account

p. 75A Brief Relation of the Firſt Converſion and (after that) of the whole Converſation of that precious Young Man Mr. John Draper, drawn out of his Experiences, Exerciſes, Examinations of Himſelf, and his Evidences for Heaven; all writ with his own hand in Characters, &c.

CHAP. I.

HAving diligently peruſed what a prodigious account he gives of himſelf with …is own Hand-writing, I could p. 76not but ſtand aſtoniſhed, that one ſo young, and a ſervant too, and who had ſo much buſineſs on Earth in his Maſters ſervice, ſhould redeem ſo much time to make Religion his buſineſs, in ſerving his great Maſter Chriſt, and in ſecuring Heaven for his Soul: Though it ſeems almoſt incredible, yet it is moſt certainly true, that he Mellowed much, and Ripened faſt for Abrahams Boſom, as appears by the Sequel.

This Holy Young Man may be a very eminent Patern of Piety to Old as well as Young Men, in a fourfold reſpect (1.) for his Experiences, (2.) for his Exerciſes, (3.) for his Self-Examinations, and (4.) for his Excellent Characters and Evidences of his Intereſt in a better World. All which I find very ſtrenuouſly ſtated in his own Hand-writing, though in Characters, yet by the p. 77help of a Key is made both legible and intelligible, and now publiſhed for publick good.

I. For his Experiences, they fall under a twofold head, the former relates to his firſt Converſion, and the latter to his whole Converſation: His Converſion (I underſtand) was effectually wrought (notwithſtanding his ſtrict and Religious Education and former convictions hereafter mentioned, &c.) by a Sermon preached from Matth. 5.25, 26. [Agree with thy Adverſary quickly while thou art in the way, &c.] About December the 8th. 1678. From whence He learned thoſe bleſſed truths following, and not only had them fixed upon his Heart, and ſealed upon his Soul, but alſo I find his own Soul fixed (in wax) upon them, to expreſs the great Veneration of them for their being ſo Raviſhing and p. 78Refreſhing (in the Hand of Chriſt) to his Spirit. The Great Truths that had an abiding work upon his heart when this Time of Love came upon him, were theſe;

I. That God and Man are at variance through ſin, they are at a diſtance.

II. 'Tis mans wiſdom to make his peace with God his Adverſary.

III. This muſt be done quickly, while Man is in his way, before he be brought to the Judges Houſe by death, &c.

IV. There is great danger in delaying or deferring this agreement, but ſinners ſhould take up with God before it be too late, &c.

V. That God hath an Action of Debt, for which to arreſt every ſinner, &c.

VI. This Debt of ſin is ſtrangely circumſtanced, (1.) 'tis an Hereditary, p. 79(2) an Ʋniverſal Debt; both every man is born in this Debt, and no man living is exempted from it. (3.) 'tis an increaſing and a growing debt, the longer it runs on in a mans life, &c. (4.) 'tis an infinite debt and therefore inſoluble; it cannot be paid &c. no finite creature can ever pay this infinite debt, to the infinite Creator. Thoſe bleſſed truths the Lord ſpake with a ſtrong hand (as Iſa. 8.11.) to this Young Mans heart, and made him conſider,

Firſt, That till this Agreement be made, my God is my Adverſary, and I had better have all the World my Enemy, the Maker of the World, who, if a friend can make my Enemies Friends, &c.

Secondly, I cannot ſtand it out with the great God, who will burn up thoſe bryars that ſet themſelves againſt him, Iſa. 27.4.

p. 80Thirdly, 'Tis no frivolous thing to be done or undone, but 'tis a matter of great moment; Eternal weal and woe hangs upon it, &c.

Fourthly, I muſt agree, &c. becauſe there is no other way in all the World to take up this prodigious debt but by agreement, &c.

Fifthly, It will not always be my priviledge to make an agreement; Time will not laſt always for taking up the Controverſy, for when Death comes, then it is to late, &c.

Sixthly, If my cauſe come before the Righteous Judge, I am ſure to be caſt, becauſe 'tis a bad cauſe, and that Judge will not be bribed with any thing in the day of Judgment.

Seventhly, It I be caſt in my cauſe, I ſhall be delivered up by the Judge to Gods Gaoler and Executioner, to wit, the Devil.

Eightly, If I be Delivered over to p. 81Gods officer of Juſtice, he will caſt me into Priſon, that is, Dragg me into hell.

Ninthly, If once I be caſt into the priſon of Hell; there muſt I lye, till I have paid the uttermoſt Farthing, which can never be done, I muſt be always paying the Debt, yet never have paid it.

By theſe Soul-awaking Conſiderations, the Lord help'd him (through his Grace) to conclude with himſelf, That it was the higheſt Wiſdom in the World to agree quickly with God his Adverſary (as he was a child of Wrath by nature, Eph. 2.3.) and it would be the moſt ſublime Folly for him any longer to deferr it, &c.

Hereupon the Lord having thus opened his Eyes, touch'd his Heart and broke down windows into his Dark Soul, upon further inquiry he p. 82learned, that this vaſt debt he was owing to Divine Juſtice (no leſs than Ten thouſand Talents, Mat. 18.24. which is no leſs than a Kings Ranſom) could never be compounded for: This juſt Judge will have either All or None, and till an Agreement be made, God is an angry Adverſaſary: And better I ſhould anger all the Witches in the World, and all the Devils in Hell, than anger the great God, I muſt agree with Him.

Then the inquiry was made how this might be done?

The anſwer was, there is ſomething lays on Gods part, and ſomething on yours: That on Gods part is (1.) to find an Arbitrator or Days-Man one more than a man, for what could a meer man do with an angry God? (2.) God found a Ranſom, a p. 83Surety to ſatisfy the debt with the Travel of his Soul. Job 33.24. Heb. 7.22. and Iſa. 53.11. (3.) God makes the Sinners Heart wil…ing to accept of this way of Agreement. Phil 2.13. That which …ays on mans part is two fold, (1.) …o let go ſin (not only in action but …n affection alſo) and (2.) to lay hold on Chriſt as one undone without Him: Thus came this bleſſed Soul to be broken off from the Wild Olive, Rom. 11.24. In his letting go and …aying down of ſin, as the greateſt evil, and by Grace became grafted …nto that Bleſſed and Bleeding Vine …he Lord Jeſus, John 15.1, 2. who ever after his happy grafting time, became a fruit bearing branch, have…ng juice and nouriſhment adminiſtred abundantly to him from the …ree of Life Jeſus Chriſt, as the ſequel will manifeſt in almoſt unparal…eld inſtances.

p. 84Thus far in ſhort, for his experiences in his firſt Converſion, now come we to treat more largely of his whole Converſation, ſome parts whereo… ſhall be reduced to the three following Heads, His Exerciſes: His Ex… minations of Himſelf, and his Evidences for Heaven which he attain… unto, &c.

CHAP. II.

NOW after his thorough a… ſound Converſion follows … holy Converſation, which appear… to be much in Heaven by his conve… ſing ſo much with God, and with … own heart, in his due preparatio… for, and true participation of th… greateſt of ordinances, the Lords S… per, p. 85as is manifeſt by thoſe experiences writ with his own hand upon that ſubject which with no ſmall trouble yet with great delight are here tranſcribed.

Now that he was bred and made a new creature by his effectual calling he found and felt a neceſſity that he muſt alſo be fed, ſo asks councel about the concern of his Soul, and learnt thoſe Divine Leſſons which He recorded.

As (1.) the Lords Supper is ſo called becauſe our Lord ordained it at his laſt Supper inſtead of the Paſſover.

(2.) 'tis the duty of Beleivers to receive it, elſe they do ſlight his Love, and diſobey his Command.

(3.) And to receive it often according to Chriſts command and the Apoſtles practice.

(4.) That being dull and doubting under my Spiritual wants (ſaith p. 86he) I muſt give all dilligence toprepare my Heart for ſo great a work: All are naturally unfit, God will come and veiw his gueſts, I have to do with the Son of God, &c.

(5.) This preparation muſt be made by a narrow ſearch of my own Heart concerning my Sins, my wants and my Graces, and by fervent and ſolemn prayer.

(6.) The Graces I muſt go to God and get from him are, Knowledge, Faith, Love, Repentance, and New Obedience.

(7.) I muſt have Knowledg, for without it the heart cannot be good, nor can I know my ſelf nor diſcern the Lords Body: I muſt know how man was created, and how he fell and I in him, how we are recovered by Chriſt, how renewed after the image of God in knowledg, &c. till then my underſtanding is dark p. 87and ignorant, my conſcience benummed, my affections out of order and ſet upon wrong objects, my memory brittle, my eyes full of adultry and my whole Frame out of Frame, the knowledg of thoſe things will help to break my heart that ſuch a filthy lump of Sin as I am, ſhould ſee and feel the arms of Chriſt imbracing me.

(8.) I muſt have Faith whereby I may hartily receive him as my Lord and Redeemer, and rely upon him alone both for ſafety and ſalvation: Without faith 'tis not poſſible to pleaſe God, and I may not diſpleaſe him at his own Table, when I go thither for the food of my Soul.

(9.) I muſt have repentance, becauſe I muſt judg my ſelf, that I be not judged: I muſt both mourn for ſin and turn from ſin, when I come to the Lords Table, &c.

p. 88(10.) I muſt have Love too, becauſe the Apoſtle ſaith [without Love all is nothing] 'tis uncomfortable to ſit down at the table of an enemy (whom we love not, and who loves not us) but 'tis dreadfull and dangerous to ſit down in our Enmity.

(11.) I muſt have new Obedience alſo, elſe I come in my rebellion, and for Some Siniſter end, not out of obedience. I muſt here renew my covenant with God, and be as ſerious as if I were to dye: Both in begging to be rid of that Sin which moſt diſturbs the peace of my Soul and to have that mercy which would do me moſt good in a Dying Hour, &c.

(12.) I muſt quicken and draw forth into act all theſe forenamed Habits of Grace when I come to the Lords Table, there meditating upon p. 89the great work of mans redemption, Gods ſeverity againſt ſin in the death of my Surety & Savior, the preciouſneſs of my Soul, that coſt ſuch a price and the priviledges purchaſed for me thereby, for which I muſt be thankful, &c.

Having thus ſolemnly prepared his Soul for this great and tremendous ordinance from July 22. 1681. to Auguſt the 7h. before he was yet twenty years old he ſat down the firſt time upon that day at the Lords Table:—Upon this firſt Sacrament, he received Auguſt the ſeventh, thus he writes, Before I ſat down, and at my firſt approach to the Table, ſomething of Fear and Trembling ſeized upon me, but ſoon after I had ſome Sweet Sights of my Dear Redeemer: I ſaw him by Faith, how he ſtood with his Arms wide open to receive me, and how he was Pierced, that p. 90the Blood came out of his Bleſſed and Bleeding Sides: I had then a clearer Sight of my God (through my Redeemer) and of his bleſſed Angels. This was raviſhing, and Oh how refreſhing; but could not get my heart Inflamed enough with Love to Chriſt. I laid open my Sins and beg'd the Pardon of them might be Sealed. I promiſed to live up to this Obligation, &c.

Concerning the Second Sacrament he Received Sept. 4. 1681. He gives this account. [I had not duely prepared my Heart for ſo great a work and Ordinanance, but bleſſed for ever, bleſſed be the Lord, who did not deal with me according to my unpreparedneſs, which if he had done, I had not been here, but been baniſhed from his preſence, and ſo been under the Death of Deaths. But he was pleaſed to give me a Sight of himſelf p. 91(which I eſteem above life) and likewiſe a Sight of God and Chriſts conferring about mans Redemption. I ſaw the Lord (as it were) ſaying, Come ye Holy Angels, behold man is fallen, ſee if ye can find a way for his recovery, which they could not, but Chriſt took upon him mans ſalvation: And I ſaw my ſelf (as it were) in Hell where I had for ever laid, but Chriſt came, and drew me out, then I embraced him as my Prophet, Prieſt and King, and became willing to forſake the World and all for Chriſt: O that I may do it more and more, and never have this frame worn off, but that while I am below with my Body, my Soul may be above with my God, &c.

The Third Sacrament was October 2d. 1681. on which he writes thus as the miniſter (in adminiſtring) was ſaying. So that you are unfeignedly p. 92willing to receive Chriſt, and whom nothing will ſatisfy but him, I bid come and welcome to take him, then were my thoughts fixed upon Chriſt, though they had been wandring two days before, and I had loſt my beloved, yet nothing could give me peace till I here found Him, and Sweet communion with Him, wherein I heard him ſay to my Soul, thy ſins (ſmal and great) are pardoned, and thy pardon is ſealed; I ſaw (as it were) his precious blood ſpurting out of his ſides into my heart. Oh my Soul ever for ever love this Lovely Lord, admire and adore him who hath ſealed thy pardon: Never ſin more, but walk ſuitably to all this &c.

The Fourth Sacrament was November 6. 1681 whereof he ſaith thus, I have longed for this ordinance, becauſe I had more than ordinary p. 93ſins (ſuch as pride that I had long groaned under) which made me long for the ſprinkling of my Dear Redeemers blood to waſh them away. I was alſo peſtered with paſſion (as well as pride) with unbelief, with wandring thoughts and ſome times with Blaſphemy (O curſed, curſed ſin, and O wicked wicked heart, once to think whether God was or no, when thou haſt had ſuch clear evidences of a Diety) theſe were my five deadly odious ſins, which I begg'd might be purged from me.

O that I may never ſee nor feel them more: At this Ordinance, I found relief, and feeling the Wine falling down lower and lower, I deſired it might carry of all my filth, ſo as to leave none remaining, and there did I reſolve (through grace) to leave thoſe five ſins, and never p. 94have any thing to do with them &c.

The Fifth Sacrament was December 4. 1681. wherein (ſaith he) I did again lay my ſins before the Lord fearing their return upon me, did deſire a meek and humble heart againſt my pride and paſſion; I did again reſign my ſelf to God, having broken Covenant with Him, and begging (with the Syrophaenician Woman) to touch the Hem of Chriſts garments, that I might be cleanſed from my iſſue of ſin, but could not at that inſtant get ſo nigh him but afterwards had I a clear repreſentation of Chriſts ſufferings in the Garden where he bore the wrath of God, ſweating drops of blood, through his cloths in a cold ſeaſon, ſo that he came as from Bozra, with died garments, then I ſaw the crown of thorns upon his head and his head p. 95beaten with the Soldiers iron-gloves which made the thorns wound his Holy Head in 72. places, ſo that the blood ran down upon his body, I ſaw alſo the heavy weight of the croſs laid upon Him, and how he was ſpit upon, reviled and derided; this bleſſed ſight prevented wandring thoughts, till the laſt prayer, though I did not deſerve the leaſt crumb of comfort for unpreparedneſs to ſo great a work, which, had God dealt out my deſert, would have been no leſs than Hell, &c.

The Sixth Sacrament he did partake of was January the firſt 1681/2. upon which he makes theſe remarks, I had been ſome days before more than ordinary in my preparation and prayer for a profitable receiving, and when I came to it, I was ſore afraid that I ſhould lay ſtreſs upon preparatory actings, therfore begged p. 96I of God that he would not deal with me accordingly, I laboured to act my requiſite graces.

As (1.) Repentance laying open before the Lord all my old year ſins to that New-years day and laboured to mourn for them more than formerly, eſpecially for my deadly deadly ſins, Spiritual pride, Paſſionateneſs, Wandring Thoughts in Holy Duties, unbeleif, worldlineſs &c. and I hope God gave there both pardon of them and power againſt them.

(2.) My thankfulneſs I actuated (as well as I could) for ſo rich a mercy, begging for it both hard and always.

(3.) My love, though I had much too little, experiencing the ſweet Kiſſes of Chriſts mouth, and Embraces of his love, I ſaw Chriſt on the Croſs Embracing me as vvell as I him, and ſaying to God [I have p. 97paid a Ranſom for him, this man is he, &c.] This was ſo ſweet, that I could embrace the ſtake or even go into hell, ſo I might thus enjoy him whom my Soul loved; and when I heard the Miniſter ſay, mourn for your ſins that murdred your Lord, I anſwered within my ſelf, How can the Children of the Bride mourn while the Bridegroom is with them? Twice did wandring thoughts offer themſelves but were (by grace) ſuppreſſed at the firſt riſing, having now obliged my underſtanding, will, memory, affections, conſcience, yea all to attend Gods ſervice: While thus fill'd with this enjoyment I longed to be in Heaven, and deſired that welcom, welcom friend death that I might ſing with the Holy Saints and Angels Hallelujahs to to the Lord: then ſaid I, O my Soul let nothing draw thy love from thy Lord: For the World, Friends, Relations, Pleaſures, Profits, all things p. 98put together, can never give ſuch joy to thee as thou haſt found from lovely, lovely Jeſus in this bleſſed ordinance, therefore lay not out thy love upon any thing beſides Him, who hath done and is doing great things, yea and will do greater for thee. Such was my warming warming loves at this Supper.

The Seventh Sacrament was February the 3. 1681/2. Upon which he remarks thus, [when I found my heart not fully fixed by my New years Day Sacrament, but notwithſtanding all my ſtriving I was yet troubled with diſtraction in duty, I longed for this ordinance very much and thought it long till it came that accounts might be made even between God and my poor Soul. I was dull for 2. or 3. Duties before and could not get my heart raiſed, whereby I ſaw that I deſerved nothing: though wandring thoughts preſſed upon me, yet were they cut ſhort 2 or 3 times, p. 99& I found relief from thoſe ſins I had laid open before the Lord in the foregoing Sacrament. I bewailed my breaking covenant, my diſtraction, my deadneſs and coldneſs in duty, &c. And at this Sacrament my Dear Redeemer met me & ſaid to me I have pardoned thoſe thy ſins at thy requeſt, this much affected and inlivened me in love to him, ſeeing him then as (it were) coming from Heaven to the Earth, and from Earth to the Croſs (ſhedding his precious blood for me) and from the Croſs into Glory; and (methought) Chriſt ſaid to me, go ſin theſe your ſins no more, which obliged me to a cloſe walking and to be more watchful than before; all this month the Lord kept me from pride, but alas my other ſins returned to foil me.

The Eighth Sacrament was March 5. 1681/2. Upon this he ſaith thus: I had more than ordinary communion p. 100with God before it, and have not had a ſweeter ſeaſon for a long time, which made me long till it came; in this ordinance, I ſaw my dear Redeemer (as it were) dead with a company of Holy Angels holding of Him and a great darkneſs over all the place, this was grief to my Soul, but preſently he that was dead I ſaw him alive again and comming into the midſt of us to ſee what we came for, I went to him and told him (methought) that my Soul loved him, and I was come to meet him for ſtrength againſt corruption, and by his help I could forſake the world and ſin (which I hated) to enjoy him, &c. then he told me, my pride ſhould not prevail againſt me this month, nor my other ſins but by own neglect. This was ſweet and refreſhing to my Soul, and this was the occaſion of the Devils great rage againſt me (as appears by my Diary March 14.) yet could p. 101he not prevail, but Chriſt kept his promiſe in keeping me from pride, &c.

Oh what cauſe have I to love the Lord Jeſus, whom I ſaw here again coming from Heaven to Earth, to the Croſs to the Grave and to Heaven again, and all this to ſave my Soul, here ſin was made more odious Chriſt more dear, and here I renewed my Covenant with God, &c.

The Ninth Sacrament was April the 2d. 1682. upon which he ſays thus, Some Time before this I was in a dull frame by the hurries of our Trade, at this time (as may be ſeen by my diary) little life could I find till the noon before that day, then had I the preſence of my Dear Lord in a lively manner and meaſure, after this wandring thoughts dulneſs and coldneſs (unſuitable to ſo ſweet a ſupper) ſeized upon me, but by running over again the ſame circumſtances of my Saviours ſufferings, eſpecially his Agony in the Garden and all p. 102for ſuch a wretch as me, I found relief, got hatred of my ſins, begged pardon of them: And not only ſo but got power againſt them; yet wandring thoughts 4 or 5 times did trouble me, but by Chriſts strengthening me I overcame them, and hoped to have my pardon ſealed; and to have power for the future for watching better againſt them and againſt my deadneſs and breaking my Covenant, &c. which made me long to quit the World whereupon it was anſwered me, I ſhould ſhortly be freed from all ſin, yet in this Sacrament I had the leaſt communion with God than in any before but ſtill much more, infinitely more than I deſerved, who (ſure I am) deſerves not the leaſt mercy.

The Tenth Sacrament was May 7. 1682. upon which he writes thus, I had not longing deſires after this Bleſſed Ordinance, having loſt much of my life I had in duty before through much hurries of our worldly affairs: This morning I wreſtled p. 103with God, but had not the light of his countenance which made me think of not going, yet conſidering that was not the way to be better I ventured, but found no life at firſt, yet a little after I felt ſome reaching after my Dear Redemer, this made me reſolve to walk more cloſely for the future, after this it pleaſed God to come in (out of his free love) and to give me a clear ſight of my ſweet Saviours going to his Croſs, and I following him and laying my ſelf down at his feet, when I could do nothing; Then had I plain viſions of my lovely Lords aſcenſions and his Angels looking upon him, whereat I found much goings out of my Soul, after him, yet wandring thoughts did trouble me for I had not brought my breaking Covenant, my Dulneſs and Deadneſs before the Lord, ſo as to be deeply humbled for them.

The Eleventh Sacrament was June 4, 1682. Ʋpon which he He remarks, p. 104thus, I having no time, was very bad in my preparations for this bleſſed Sacrament, ſo doubted whether I ſhould go to it, but fearing it might be the laſt I ſhould injoy in peace I then went, yet it prov'd the worſt I ever yet had, I hardly felt any movings of affections only a little mourning for my breach of Covenant, my coldneſs and deadneſs, &c. Had a little ſight of my Deareſt Redeemer, but O my miſery for not keeping my ingagement made in the foregoing Ordinance: whereby I feared the Holy Spirit was greived and ſinned away, O ſad ſad, lamentable, deplorable was my state when I had ſinned my God from me: My condition was wretched now and without more care it may yet be much worſe.

The Twelfth Sacrament was on July 2d. 1682. whereupon he notes thus, I was but little in preparation in order to my participation of this Holy Ordinance, yet much more than on the laſt; on Fryday morning before I had much p. 105of Gods preſence, but becauſe I had not taken a Catalogue of my ſins, and had broke my vows with God, 'tis juſt with him to hide his face from me, and O my deadly ſin got again too much advantage againſt me, yet praiſed be the free Grace of my God, I had his preſence in this Ordinance, and ſaw my Dear Redeemer going along bearing his heavy Croſs, and his ſuffering thereupon and when his ſide was pierced, (methought) I ſtood under, and his precious blood did drop down upon me; but ſtill I was too little grieved for ſin, and had 3. times wandrings which (through Grace) paſſed away, as the Wine went down I deſired my ſins might be purged away and renewed my reſolve of walking better, both before and in this Sacrament, deſigning to ſhelter my Soul in the holes of his bleſſed Side (that was …ierced) as the Dove doth in the holes of the Rock.

The Thirteenth Sacrament was Auguſt 6. 1682. On which he records p. 106thus: The hurries of the World had made menegligent before it, yet did I try my ſelf by my catalogue of ſins drawn up in February before, ſuch as pride (whereof I had a great deal) breach of Covenant (whereof I was greatly guilty) Wandrings, Dullneſs in Duty, &c. and then another great one the neglect of ſelf tryal after my vows & renewed Covenant to do it, after Sacraments, wherein I had found much ſweetneſs: I could not ſtill call my ſelf to a ſtrict account, nor actuate my repentance as becomes a worthy receiver though my ſins were many and great: At my firſt ſitting down, I had but little ſenſe of ſin, but after God ſhowed me ſomething of himſelf, then had I ſome ſorrow of Soul and ſomething of my dear Lord, but once God ſeemed to come out in fury towards me, yet (methought) I ſaw my Dear Redeemer ſtop it: Here again I lay under the Croſs to be waſhed from my ſins and did ſee (as before) Chriſt coming from Heaven to Earth, to hi… p. 107Croſs and to his Grave and from thence into Glory, this I viewed with a little (oh too little) life, then the Devil tempted me to make no new engagement of reformation, but the Lord helped me, and I harkned not to the Tempter. About 4. times wandrings came, but (through grace) they continued not, yet had I ſmal actings of love and outgoings of Soul after my God and my Dear Redeemer.

The Fourteenth Sacrament was September 3. 1682. On which he obſerves thus, I had but little of God, ſome time before this till Saturday night. Though I had been much in preparation, yet my God came not in till then, and indeed I ſaw much ſin in my beſt ſervices, ſo begged God would not deal with me as I deſerved, which would have been hell and destruction: But comming to partake I had great hopes of his preſence, ſo ſoon as I had pleaded with God my laſt years ingagement, then found I ſome revivings, p. 108and hearing the two great points of the Covenant (that God would be our God, & we ſhould be his people) opened, then did I reſign up my ſelf to God with a more than ordinary reſignation. My end in coming to this Ordinance was to ge… the partition wall (betwixt me & my God) caſt down which I hope was attained, my Pride and other ſins were pardoned, provided I did not run into them again; I clove cloſe to Chriſt and would not let him go without his bleſſing, which my dear Redeemer gave me, though Satan preſented many things to prevent me thereof: The Lord ſaid here to me I will he thy God, and my Soul ſaid, I do ingage to he one of thy People, leaving all that comes in competition with my ſweet Saviour, &c.

The Fifteenth Sacrament was October 5. 1682. he begins thus, Bleſſing, Praiſe, and Honour be aſcribed unto my God, and Redeemer, who hath neither forgotten nor forſaken me, though I did deſerve it and Gods p. 109wrath too, for my manifold ſins, whereof murmuring in ſome meaſure (I am afraid) is one, & ſeeking praiſe among men is another: Though ſenſe of ſin had too little been upon my heart this laſt month, yet now was it more than uſual, but leſs than my ſins required, I pleaded with God that he commanded me to believe, to this I had great comfort returned and after much ſtrugling the Lord aſſured me my ſins were pardoned; then had I ſuch repreſentations of my Redeemer as I had oft before, when Gods juſtice impleaded me for my ſins, my ſweet Saviour did then anſwer, I have dyed and ſatisfied for him, at this the Devil envyed, telling me all this was but a fable, and would have diverted me but (by grace) I overcame him: O how am I obliged to love God who hath given me ſmiles when I deſerved nothing but frowns, ſhall not I be more careful to pleaſe him, and more fearful to offend him (He ends as he began) Bleſſing, Praiſe, and Honour, be to my p. 110God and my Redeemer for ever, &c.

The Sixteenth Sacrament was November 5. 1682. on which he ſaid thus, I have broke my covenant with God for the laſt month, by falling into theſe ſins I ingaged and reſolved againſt before, dulneſs in duty and diſtraction returned upon me having not ſtriven ſo much againſt them as I ſhould, and having little communion with God my deadly ſin prevailed, wherefore nothing but fearful looking for of judgment was before me, being remiſs in my preparations yet God dealt not with me according to my deſerts, for then had I been ſet up as a monument of Divine Diſpleaſure among men: But before I ſat down I ſtrove to raiſe my repentance, yet could not mourn as my caſe required. I pleaded Gods promiſe, that his Son was ſent to ſave ſuch as I am, &c. I ran over Chriſts ſufferings in my mind particularly, and ſeated my Soul at the feet of my bleeding Saviour on the Croſs that his precious p. 111blood might cleanſe away all my loads of ſins, I did juſtify God in all his dealing with me, and his withdrawments from me, then did I receive Chriſt as my King, reſolving to forſake all for him and to follow him through all: ſome wandrings troubled me in Chriſts Wine-cellar but were ſoon cut off, &c.

As to the Sacrament in December, he acknowledges his Omiſſion of it, by his own Negligence and Folly.

The Seventeenth Sacrament was on January 7. 1681/3. where he writes thus; I did endeavour to prepare (yet but alittle, for this great Ordinance and could not for a long time get my affections inflamed (as formerly) with love to the Lord Jeſus, however I caſt my ſins at his feet, to be waſhed away that the difference might be taken up and God might reconciled to my poor Soul again, which (bleſſed be the Lord) was hopefully accompliſhed: I did bewail my fearfull breaking covenant, the return p. 112of my multitude of ſins, eſpecially my deadly ſin pride: I again viewed over diſtinctly the ſufferings of Chriſt, how he was ſcourged, &c. and all for poor me, this ſet me upon mourning, but I could not ſhed tears, yet complained of the hardneſs of my heart; and begg'd that Chriſts Precious Blood might both ſoften and cleanſe it, then (me thought) I ſaw Chriſt upon the Croſs ſtooping to me and giving me his hand, when he ſaw I could not get up my heart to him: Hereupon I claſped about my Dear Redeemer who had reconciled God to me, then I reſolved (in his ſtrength) never to fin in the like manner any more, and was angry with my ſelf for dealing ſo unkindly with ſo kind a Father, who had rather a ſinner ſhould repent than dye, God was loving to me who could, look for nothing but fury in the higheſt meaſure for my back-ſlidings; my heart would have wandred but (by Gods goodneſs) thoſe wandrings were taken ſhort: I here ſolemnly engaged to walk more p. 113cloſely with God for the future all my ſays, which if I did not, O how great will be my ſin, how vaſt will be my unworthineſs, beyond what my Tongue can expreſs.]

Upon the whole, As our Lord ſaid of the Good Centurion [I have not found ſo great faith no not in all Iſrael.] ſo …m I like to ſay of this gracious Young-Man, I have not found ſuch ſavoury Soul-experiences on record …o not in all England.

This will further more fully appear by the ſequel in his Exerciſes, Self Examinations and Evidences.

CHAP. III.

AFter his Experiences, come in the ſecond place his Exerciſes which are twofold, firſt concerning …iety, ſecondly concerning impiety, p. 114both before his effectual vocation and after it: Thoſe before he took with his own hand theſe memorials following.

(1.) About the year 1671. having read Jehoſephats life, I was a little ſtartled, and grew melancholick, that was the firſt time I had a mind to pray, and deſired another to joyn with me in it, but he told me that he could not pray without help of ſome form; no more (I ſaid) can I, but uſed a form in a ſpelling book, which I prayed often but very negligently, then going to Epſon, where I had a good maſter who prayed morning and evening with his family and religiouſly inſtructed us, which did bring me to pray without a form, yet could not d… it with ſeriouſneſs, tho' I was exhorted to it both by my maſter and by … miniſter that came oft thither. … this place I began to be willing to hea… the Word, though I little minde… p. 115what I heard, till I read the Pilgrims Progreſs, which made me again grow melancholick (the former being worn off) to the obſervation of others; then the good providence of God brought to my hands Mr. Baxters Call to the unconverted, which (through grace,) ſhewed me the neceſſity of my converſion; yet all this time never conſulted with any man about my ſins, but only confeſſed them to God, till I met with Mr. Hookers Soul preparation for Chriſt, which convinced me to adviſe with ſome Godly miniſter, hereupon I did addreſs to one though a ſtranger to him, ſaying, Sir, I cannot, I dare not any longer refrain, having ask'd my ſelf what fitneſs I had to dye, was anſwered, I was unfit till I had eas'd my heart to you, as followeth

(1.) When I was 7. years old, I tore my Bible, and caſt away my Catechiſm.

p. 116(2.) I have broke the Sabbath, by rambling abroad, playing at farthings with naughty boys and waſhing my ſelf in the fields when I ſhould have been at the Church, &c.

(3.) By excuſing my ſins with a lye, ſo added one ſin to another, for covering it.

(4.) Nor have I been free from Youthful Luſts, which young Timothy was bid to flee, but my corrupt Heart hath had workings after the Act, ſeveral times, yet hath been wonderfully prevented by the advice of my Godly Siſter, who laid before me Chriſts words, Mat. 5.28. whoever looks on a woman to luſt after her, &c. however, I am guilty of Heart-Adultry. yea,

(5.) I have, erred and laughed when I have heard the word preached with power, &c. Hereupon the Good Miniſter gave me grave council and comfort ſuitable to my penitent p. 117caſe and condition, yet notwithſtaning all this, I was not effectually called, nor througly converted, and made a new creature, until afterwards I heard that Sermon upon Mat. 5.25, 26. as the account above mentioned ſpecifieth.

But alas in my Apprentiſhip through the hurries of the World in our way of trading (eſpecially in May and June, &c.) I became negligent of my cloſe walking with God, not minding (as I might) to continue in his love, when God (my adverſary) was reconciled to me; I neglected Dayly, Self-examination, or did it only to halfe part, being dull and ſleepy through wearineſs with worldly work at night then my old corruptions got head again upon me, I broke my Covenant made at the agreement with my adverſary and I Apoſtatized from theſe ſweet thoughts I formerly had upon my God and Dear Redeemer, for which p. 118(had he not been gracious) I had been damned and rotting in Hell for ever. This conſideration made me exclaim againſt my ſelf ſaying, O ſilly Soul to heed a periſhing dying world before Heaven, ſuch ſadneſs and darkneſs ſeized on me at this time (when the things of the world, I found had been the ſubſtance of my thoughts and diſcourſe) that I knew not what to do, nor whither to go, at laſt I turned to the Lord and begged of him that he would not take the forfeiture, nor ſuffer me to run this ready way to utter deſtruction.

I cryed Lord, 'tis juſt with thee to hurle mein to hell and into the hotteſt place thereof, and never wait longer upon ſuch a cumber-ground as I am: but to thee my Dear Redeemer do I run for refuge, as one that am hungry and hardly beſtead, poor, blind, naked, wretched and miſerable, a loathſom wretch, unworthy to be called a ſervant, much leſs a p. 119Son, having ſo wickedly departed from my God, yet through thee will I venter again to my God, and by thy ſtrength I will better mind my future walkings: O my deareſt Redeemer I die without thee, O come in once again and let me feel once more what it is to have Chriſt dwelling in my Soul! O find a time of love wherein to diſperſe thoſe dark clouds and ſhine upon my Dead and Darkned Soul! O hath my night no day, 'tis an hell to me to be thruſt away from God, I know the cauſe is all at home, my ſin, my ſin, O let it be done away, then ſhould I recover the light of thy countenance as formerly, and in ſo doing I do ingage to amend my manners (depending on thy help) my hand is witneſs, John Draper. now to bind his Soul and Slippery heart to God the better in obſerving this new ingagement, he wrote down many profitable rules in his pocket book.

p. 120As (1.) In a day of humiliation I muſt lay all my ſins before the Lord and reſolve to forſake them.

(2.) I muſt look upon my ſin of Paſſion as a feaver in my mind, of Lust, as fire in my bones, of Pride as a fatal tympany in my Soul, of covetouſneſs as an inſatiable and unſufferable thirſt, and the ſin of Envy or Malice as rank poyſon in the heart.

(3.) If I would run ſo as to obtain I muſt caſt off all thoſe weights or ſins that do ſo eaſily beſet me.

(4.) I muſt reſolve to begin betimes the running of this race.

(5.) Nor muſt I loyter in the way.

(6.) Nor muſt I cumber my ſelf with the needleſs incumbrances of the World.

(7.) I muſt look to every part of my way with equal care and obſervation.

(8.) Nor muſt I ever think I p. 121have gone far enough till I have obtained the prize.

(9.) And the further I have run in this race, the more eager ſhould be to obtain the end.

(10.) I muſt alway think that I am upon the brink of eternity, and therefore ſhould give all diligence to make my calling and election ſure, working out my Salvation and making ſure work for a better world, before I go hence to be ſeen no more.

(11.) I muſt ever come to God as to a Soul-pittying, a Sin-pardoning, and a Prayer-hearing God.

(12.) I muſt be fervent in prayer, yet ſubmit to Gods Soveraign…y.

(13.) Occaſions of being too …ong alone, are to be avoided, ſo …s Strong Drink, and too full a Dyet.

(14.) I muſt be thinking oft Death Judgment, Hell and Hea…en, thoſe four laſt things

p. 122(15.) I muſt not ſtretch my Chriſtian liberty too far, for he that dare go ſo far as he thinks he may, goes ſometime farther than he ſhould, &c.

(16.) I muſt bridle my Tongue and not be too apt to ſpeak of things whereof I am not certain: And much more to the ſame purpoſe both for particular and general inſtruction too long to inſert here.

This Holy Young-Man put down in his pocket book alſo, how he had been Exerciſed with Temptations to Sin, as to Theft, Adultry, Playing at Cards, and prophaning the Sabbath, &c. as alſo with tryals to prevent temptations, inſtancing that in a laſh upon his eye with a Coach-whip, whereby the Lord healed him of hie luſtful Eye which had been too ful of Adultry, 2. Pet. 2.14.

p. 123CHAP. IV.

NOw come we to the Third Head, his Examinations of himſelf in the workings of his heart relating to his Communion with God, It was not enough to this good Soul to examine himſelf only when he was approaching to the Lords Table, on the Lords Day (as is before ſpecified) but he look'd upon it as his duty to do it every day, (both every Sabbath-day when there was no Sacrament, and every week day alſo) making it his continual daily task, as appears by his moſt Dilligent and Divine Diary. This neceſſary, but much neglected work of ſelf-tryal (I find) he began at the ſpring-time Aequinoctial upon the 10. of March 1681‥ O Holy and Happy Soul that had now his p. 124hard frozen heart thus kindly thawed by a look of love from the Son of Righteouſneſs, as Peters was by a Look from his Lord, Luke 22.61, 62 Hereby the Lord helped him to ſay with the Bridegroom in the Song. [The winter is past the rain is over and gone, The Flowers appear on the Earth, &c.] Cant. 2.10, 11, 12, 13.1 moſt bleſſed ſpring of Grace (better than that of Graſs) was now upon him, though I cannot give ſo diſtinct an account of his Diary as I would becauſe 'twas writ in obſcure Characters only with a black pencil (intended it ſeems ſolely for hi… own private uſe) yet with the be… key we could get it hath been opened, that ſuch precious treaſur… ſhould not be loſt, but communicated for the common good.

I begin here from the Manuſcrip… both as to the matter and as to the time as I can judge, upon what Sabbat… Day I heard a Sermon upon Peter p. 125going out and weeping bitterly after Chriſt had looked upon him. Saith he, I went to prayer that night and begged of God to give me Peters Repentanoe, and in the earneſtneſs of Spirit I fell flat upon the ground, before the Lord to begg it, Then I laid long till I had ſome comfort from my God, yet remained I dull and muddy till wedneſday night, and then had I ſome communion with my God again, even a new taſt of his firſt goodneſs and comfort in prayer. On Thurſday night did I meet him whom my Soul loveth again, which I found very uſeful to me, finding by woful experience that without Chriſts ſtrengthening me, I could do nothing ſpiritually, nor before the Sabbath enſuing nor in it, had I the ſweet communion with God I uſed to have before, but on Munday night I met my God having a pretty deal of time that evening, for Tueſday morning was p. 126not ſo good, nor could I raiſe my heart at night till it was very late, and then had I my former ſweetneſs, but much more upon wedneſday: the ſame I found upon the Sabbath following, and on Munday night and on the next night alſo, though everdul at the firſt yet inlarg'd after upon wedneſday night I pray'd twice ſucceſſively and found more than ordinary incomes: On Thurſday again I had inlargements but at the cloſe the Devil made me drowſy to cut ſhort my duty, &c. but on Friday my heart was kept better raiſed: On Saturday I begged of God to direct me how I might meet the bleſſing of the next Sabbath, which (through grace) I met with on that day, yet was troubled with wandrings in my evening duty: On Munday the preſence of God was with me and made my duty ſweet at night: On Tueſday I met with a precious opportunity for my Souls good: On Wedneſday p. 127I did not ſo well, which made me chide my Soul for no better requiting the Lords kindneſs On Thurſday morning I had Gods preſence & the ſame at night though troubled with wandrings: On Friday I had many outward mercyes, yet could improve aright neither Gods word of Grace nor his works of Mercy, On Saturday (having ſpare time from buſineſs) I ſought the Lord thrice for a larger ſight of the light of his Countenance when the Sabbath came, the Lord gave me an Anſwer of Peace, &c.

Thus might a large account of this gracious Young-Mans Self-Tryal and watchings over his own ways from Month to Month, all along but becauſe to do ſo diſtinctly from day to day would fill a volume, I muſt therefore wave it, and that not out of Judgment only, but out of neceſſity alſo, ſeeing the key that opened his Charactars, could not reach p. 128them all, neither in point of time, nor in point of matter, the judicious Reader may eaſily imagine that this defect will lame us in this work, yet though it coſt me unſpeakable trouble and pains, I ſhall follow my thread in this labyrinth.

I have already given an exact account how he examined himſelf upon every monthly Sacrament, from Auguſt 7. 1681. to Jan. 7. 1681/3. which was the laſt he did partake of, for not long after his Dear Redeemer (whom he had ſo oft admired and embraced in the Lords Supper upon Earth) called him home to Sup and Feaſt with him in Heaven.

As to his Self-Tryal at all other times between every one of thoſe Seventeen Sacraments, I ſhall proceed to relate, ſo far as my key will carry me.

The beſt computation I can make out of the many manuſcripts conſiſting of above thirty ſheets which p. 129I have to abridge and methodize, drawn out of his Diary, Pocket-book and Almanack, &c. He renews his ſelf-examining work again, upon March 17. 1681/2. being Fryday: how he ſpent all the time from the laſt March to this, ſave only relating to the Sacraments, we muſt be content to want it, for want of better helps, but upon that day he hath left upon record, he had wandring thoughts in duty, did little for the good of others, my ſins (ſaith he) lay but light, I mourned not for the ſins of the land, I looked not into my own heart, nor was I concern'd in holy ejaculations: The ſame he ſaith of himſelf in ſpending the 18 and March the 19. being the Sabbath, he remarks the ſame omiſſions, and not having a frame Suitable to the Day, yea in night-duty peſtered with wandrings: on March, 20. I aroſe from Table without drooping, being full glad to meet God there. p. 130March 21. had the former omiſſion and Heaven little in my ſight, 22d. day could not mourn for the ſins of the land: and the ſame frame was upon me, the 23. and 24. nor could I do better or look into my heart the 25 of March 1682. nor the ſix following Dayes of that month could he ſhake of thoſe omiſſions, April the firſt he brands himſelf with the ſame neglects: the ſecond day he adds to thoſe neglects, that wandring thoughts had eaten up the life of his duty, on the third the ſame complaint, on the fourth miſſed vain thoughts in a good meaſure, yet only through the ſtrenght o… Chriſt, but on fifth he adds, God our of ſight & Heaven out of mind, on the ſixth he makes the ſame moan, of ſeventh, my own ſins and the ſins of the land lay too light upon my heart, &c. eight, the ſame and that he had done nothing extraordinary for the Church in herday of diſtreſs. ninth p. 131the ſame yet had ſome good thoughts but troubled with wandrings, tenth the ſame and ſo the eleventh. adding, I have been this day tempted to pride; ſo the twelfth, thirteenth and fourteenth, are filled with the like complaints, and fifteenth he adds I have been ſpending this noon much too vainly, the ſixteenth (being the Sabbath) he bleſſed God that diſtraction had not dulled him in duty; 17th. had like to have fallen into paſſion but God diſappointed it, yet not much in Holy Ejaculations, &c. eighteenth, not up early had my former omiſſions and commiſſions, the ninteenth, twentyeth and twenty firſt, yea to the end of April, he arraigns himſelf as guilty of all thoſe aforeſaid Crimes, then May 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Complains of all thoſe evils, adding that hurreys of his trade at this time did provoke him more to paſſion, but ſometime God helped him to ſubdue it, &c. p. 132the 7. being Sabbath Day, ſin ſet too light, did not mourn for the ſins of the land, not enough in holy ejaculations, nor in looking into my own heart, nor ſeriouſly minding the Word of God, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13. the ſame, little life, much dullneſs, being wearyed with the hurries of the World, 14, frothy diſcourſe with ſome delight, O ſin ſin lay too light both mine own and the lands ſin, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19. the ſame Complaint, 20. neglecting to read Gods Word, 21, 22, 23. ſo on to the end of May, he cryes out I have done nothing for my ſelf nor the Church, I have not been my ſelf, hardly knowing what I did through the hurryes of the World, O the World, the World is a ſa… impediment to my Soul, God hath not been in my mind, Heaven out of my ſight, I have not mourned for my own ſins, nor thoſe of the land nor had holy ejaculations, &c. thus p. 133he ſaith particularly upon every day, adding thus I continued till the fourth of June being always wearyed with work and unfit for any good, O it hath been a ſad time for my Soul, thus likewiſe I neglected till the 17 of June, on which I renewed my covenant with God, yet 18, 19. the ſame neglects prevailed, only on the 20. I had ſome holy Ejaculations, but 21, 22. the ſame and 23. I prayed not over the Sermon as I ſhould have done and omitted all as before, 24 ſtill peſtred with former neglects, O ſad, ſad that I ſhould be thus carryed under Grace, thus he moans on 25, 26. and ſo on to the end of June, on every day I have done little for the Church, or for my Soul, have not read Gods word, ſin ſits too light, not mourn'd for my own ſin nor for the ſins of the land, Heaven hath been out of ſight and God out of mind, too little have I been in holy ejaculations, p. 134with wandrings not oft looking into my own heart, &c.

July 1682. from 1 to 10. he complains particularly upon each Day in the ſame word's [too much wandrings in Holy Duties, too little ſenſe of ſin upon my heart, I have not mourned enough for my own ſins nor for the ſins of the Land, not much in ejaculations, Heaven too much out of ſight, &c.] ſometimes adding [I neglected reading Gods Word, have done little for Gods Church have not minded my Soul nor Gods praiſe, &c.]

Then concludes, theſe ten days with this divine rapture. [O this deadly thing ſin hath not duely affected my heart, into what a ſad ſtate is my Soul fallen, O my God, I beſeech thee leave me not.] This ſame complaint concerning thoſe ſeveral omiſſions he carryeth on againſt himſelf quite through July, to the laſt day. Auguſt 1682. He makes p. 135the ſame moans of the ſame neglects all along the month upon the head of every day of the four weeks diſtinctly, yet ſometimes adding, God helped me on the 2 of Auguſt againſt my deadly ſin on the 6 day (being the Sabbath) I was leſs troubled with wandrings than I was the day after, on the 8 day I aroſe from Supper without dropping any ſavory word at the Table, on the 11. God kept me much from my ſin this day: On the 13. I had much of God in my night prayer, though the Devil told me I had not begged Gods preſence, My dear Lord helped me to repulſe him with eaſe: On the 16 out of order all the day, but at night God ſhone upon my Soul more than a long time before: but loſt all the two following days, being hurryed with caſting up our ſhop, going backward not forward: On 19. I felt my deadly ſin crawl apace towards my heart, which put me upon examination, p. 136the 20. day, and found it not in vain to caſt my burden upon the Lord, for I had thereby relief againſt my Pride &c. for which I have cryed mightily to the Lord my God after which I had ſweet communion with God, then the Tempter ſtrongly tempted me to neglect hearing and reading the Word, but putting up an ejaculation, I had ſtrength to overcome him again: after hearing a Sermon I went down into the Cellar to pray, where the Devil would affright me that ſomething would appear, which (through the help of my Dear Redeemer) I ſtoutly reſiſted and bid Satan defiance, then he objected againſt me my deadly ſin which I could not but own, yet could he not make me think ſo long upon it as to diſtract me in duty, which was the Devils deſign, but Oſubtil Serpent my Lords goodneſs ſtrengthned me to triumph over thee, and I had a comfortable p. 137ſeaſon: upon the 21 of Auguſt 1682. all my old neglects prevailed, and wandrings in my night prayer, but God heard my ejaculation, I got up early in the morning (which ſweet way I had much neglected through wearineſs with worldly work) to pray, wherein I found much of God, O my Soul love that lovely lovely, one thy Lord, who hath heard thee hath done, is doing great things for thee, and will do greater: On the 26. I neglected reading the Word, been too much about Worldly affairs which took me off from God, and I loſt my time in Duty, nor could I get up my thoughts to my God in my hurryes, yet on the Saturday following I recovered a bleſſed frame, O my Soul love and praiſe the Lord for ever.

September the 2. I was at a faſt for the fire of London, where I was not free of my aforeſaid omiſſions, yet waiting there all the day, at length p. 138had the ſweet preſence of God: On the 4. I had Heaven in my ſight and but little troubled with wandrings, yet too little looked I into my own heart; I ſat up late for Duty and God made it ſweet to me On the ſeventh he makes his old moan againſt himſelf ſaying, I feat my own ſelf righteouſneſs, the 10. God diſcovered my deadly ſin which cauſed his withdrawment from me; and that wiſhing to die to avoid miſery by God withdrawings, is but a pang of paſſion, The 15. old wandrings, &c. returned, I think my murmuring was the cauſe: I firſt read, Iſa. 65.22, 23, 24. from whence upon my ejaculation God ſpake comfort to me, ſo had after delight in duty. The 19, God diſcovered another ſin (my ſeeking the praiſes of men) that darkned his face from me. The 23. but little ſenſible how I had grieved away Gods good Spirit in morning prayer. p. 139The 25. had little ſenſe of Gods putting a vail over his Face toward me, which I bewailed little, the other days of this month I neglected (being out of town) to take an account of, only in the general, I obſerved that my deadly ſin prevailed moſt, while my Soul is moſt clouded.

October the 1ſt. my old Diſtractions. Diſturbed me running from the Cellar up to the cloſet, and from thence to the cellar again yet had (through Grace) a little of Gods preſence: The 2d. I was too raſh in ſpeaking a thing that was not ſo: The 3. I was unwilling to pray in the Cellar at night, yet made willing to go, I. found much of the preſence of him who had thus inclined me; The 4. I ſpoke not of God in company of others.

Yet with another Companion my God helped me to ſavoury Diſcourſe p. 140in prayer but then to Epſom, til the 14 day I was under dreadful deſertions which made me cry out woe is me, I have ſinned away my God, by my minding the World too much and my God too little, and by relying too much on my own ſtrength: on the 14. he renews his old complaints [Heaven out of ſight not mourned for the ſins of the land nor my own, &c.] Adding roſe from Table without any thing of God there: On the 15 not ſo much troubled as before with wandrings, yet ſin ſet too light, &c. the 16. and 17. the ſame, The 18. and 19. bad, the 20. not ſo bad, had at night God preſence and ſome ſence of ſin, which made me burſt out crying, how have I been hopping from Mountain to hill through Simplicity, forgetting my right reſting place, O that thoſe loſt minutes and hours, had been ſpent in the ſweeteſt converſe with my Dear Redeemer, but now (from p. 141this time) the Lord grant great Reformation in John Draper. The 23. of October 1682. (he ſaith) I have ſtrove this day to get to God, but could not, faſted and three times prayed, ſtill the face of God was hid from me. The 24. ſtill under Gods withdrawings, ſo on 25, 26, and 28, no better with me on the 29, 30, and 31, but wandrings in duty, no right mourning for ſin, dull dead and thoughts moſtly taken up with the World, very little of God in all that I do, ſo that I knew not what to do.

November the 1 could not gain Gods preſence, 2. the ſame, but not ſo bad in duty, 3, and 4. as bad, O ſad, ſad, ſad, but on 6. had much of Gods preſence, 8, 9, bad again, ſo 10. and 11. ſtill dull and cold, ſo 12. and 13. and endways in a ſad condition.

December. having been long out of town, half of the foregoing month p. 142till the fourth of this month and lived as without God, my mind taken up with the World; no longings after Gods preſence 'twas a good providence, I ſaw their worſhip at Windſor which did more eſtabliſh me.

This month the Lord taught me the deformity of all ſublunary things without God, now I ſee my folly, and oh that it may not be too late! I could weep night and day, for my great loſs of God; I am ſo perplex'd that I ſcarce know what to do with my ſelf, &c.

January 5. 1682. I was taken very Ill, ſo that thoſe about me, thought I was a dying, but God raiſed me up again, Oh that it might be to dye to Sin and and live to God.

The 7th. (which was his ſeventeenth and laſt Sacrament-Day) makes his former moans about wandrings, &c. Adding, I laid in Bed too long, when I ſhould have been upon my knees, yet had more Evidences p. 143that day than for along time before, after this, was taken with a Dizzineſs in my head, like to fall down ſtairs, about 8. had a great pain in my ſide and my fit came about ten, then from day to day, lay long in bed, had little of God ſometimes forgot how it was with me; not minding my inward man enough, by diſtempers of my outward On the 22. I conſidered what I ſhould do if God call me to ſufferings and thought Gods hand was not ſhortned to ſtrengthen me as he had done all the martyrs. On 25 my cough and pain in my left ſide grew upon me ſo unfitted me for Duty yet on 30. I prayed, and had a clear ſight of God and of my Chriſt, my Dear Redeemer, Bleſſed, for ever bleſſed be his holy name.

Leaſt any ponderous paſſage (out of his Diary) that might be profitable to poſterity ſhould be omitted which (through the broken account p. 144I have of his manuſcripts) cannot eaſily be avoided, I ſhall reduce the moſt remarkable of them to thoſe Remarks, or Heads following.

The Firſt Remark is, this gracious Young-Mans Diary doth plainly proclaim, that God made him live at the ſign of the Chequer, his life this laſt Year was ſtrangely chequered with the Black of Miſery, and with the White of Mercy, he was got into Canaan, a land of hills and valleys, now up and now down: One while mourning for Gods Abſence: and another while magnifying him for his preſence, &c.

The Second Remark, however God withdrew from him on the Week-day, yet did he moſtly enjoy leſt or more of God on the Sabbath as well as Sacrament Days, this I find in his own record, which was to beare up his head above water in his Conflicts.

The Third Remark is, he obſerves p. 145Gods tenderneſs towards him in never withdrawing too long from him, for though he found himſelf dull and dead in duty in the morning of the Sabbath, yet found he life and warmth at evening, &c.

Fourthly, When he was commanded to ſtay at home for keeping the houſe and ſhop (upon the Sabbath) from Sermon (he ſaith) God made that time of privacy a moſt ſweet time to him: When God denyes means, He ſupplies means.

Fifthly, He Remarks, how oft he was interrupted in his private duties, being called off from them as he was a ſervant to his Maſter, which the Envious one might have an hand in, as prayer is a charm and torment to him, when God is preſent, &c.

Sixthly, He notes that the low Cellar was his oratory or place of private prayer, where he ſpent many hours, without either fire or candle, p. 146in the night, and once had the door broke open to fetch ſome candles while he was in his Devotion, &c.

Seventhly, He obſerveth Gods dealings with his Soul from one Sabbath to another, and from one week day to another taking notice of all his omiſſions of good, and of all his commiſſions of evil, from Munday Morning to Saturday Night.

Eightly, This was not only his practice every Week, from the beginning to the end of the Year (as is above mentioned) but alſo every Day how it was with his Soul God ward Morning, Noon and Night, and what diſcourſe at meat time alſo.

Ninthly, So ſtrict was his Scrutiny and Self-Tryal, that he ſet down once the thoughts of having a God Ring, and another time thoughts o… getting ſome books, the Tempte… made uſe of to juſtle out his thought of God, &c.

Tenthly. So obſervant was he … p. 147all the workings of his own heart that he ſets down how that when, he was praying once in the dark Cellar without any light, the Tempter poſſeſſed him with fears that ſomething would appear to affright him, but God graciouſly ſtepped in, and ſaid to him, fear not thou Son of Abraham, &c. Gen. 15.1.

Eleventhly, He records the very Days, wherein he miſſed his taking an account of his own daily task of ſelf examination, and when he omitted the ſcattering of ſome ſavory diſcourſe becoming table-talk, at meat-times.

Twelfthly, He computes the very times.

Firſt. When mourning for ſin was made ſweet to his Soul.

Second. When he enjoyed Gods preſence in prayer both by himſelf and with others.

Third. How often God came to him when diſturbed in Duty, or p. 148diſappointed of it, being conſtrained thereby ſometimes to pour out his heart to God in the ſhop by day, and upon his bed by Night, in both which places he had ſweet warmings of Spirit.

Fourthly. How oft he made reſignation of his Soul to God (which was very frequent) as alſo how oft he renewed his Covenant with God eſpecially upon Sacrament Days which are the moſt Material Remarks (whereof I would not omit one out of choice) I could collect out of the many ſheets I had to peruſe in my oft reading them over.

And had not the ſame matter (ſo oft upon diſtinct occaſion repeated) been reduced by this method to thoſe few ſeveral Heads this tract might have ſwollen into a volume.

p. 149CHAP. V.

THE laſt ſubject of this Diſcourſe, is twofold.

Firſt. The Evidences He had for Heaven.

Second. The Characters that were given him by gracious and judicious witneſſings of others: As to the Firſt, I find ſeveral Evidences (writ with his own hand) and which gave ſweet encouragement to his Soul, that he was a choſen veſſel of mercy, and one to be filled as with Grace Here, ſo with Glory Hereafter.

Firſt. I know my Repentance (ſaith he) becauſe my ſenſe under ſin, as a burden, is heavier to my Soul, than all my afflictions are to my Body, I am aſhamed of my ſecret p. 150ſins (which no man ſeeth or knoweth) before the Lord who ſeeth and knoweth them and all other things, and I deſire to leave my darling ſin, and to leave all love to it, yea to loath it through my love I bear to my Lord and Dear Redeemer, whom I account dearer to me than any ſin, yea than all the World, &c.

Secondly. I know (ſaith he) that to have true faith, by Chriſt is more precious to me than all things in the World, I am willing to receive him into my heart as my Lord and King to Rule me, and my Faith works by Love ſo that I am grieved for his abſence, and rejoyce at his preſence, and I am willing to part with all for him, that he may be my all, and in all.

Thirdly. I find a delight to do Gods Will, ſometimes in praying to him, ſometimes in praiſing of him, ſometimes in hearing from him, and p. 151ſometimes in meditating upon him, and upon that Work of mans Redemption.

Fourthly. I feel my heart mourning moſt for that ſin, which moſt diſturbeth my peace, and moſt ſeparateth betwixt God and my Soul, and longing moſt for that mercy, that will do me moſt good in a dying hour, to wit not general, but ſpecial mercy, even mercy in Chriſt.

Fifthly. I can ſay that I love the Lord, for I hate that which grieves him, and that becauſe it grieves him; and I love thoſe that are moſt like him, yea the places and duties wherein I have found the Lord warming my heart, and cannot be content without him in any.

Sixthly. I can ſay I have a principle of life ſpiritual, for I find hungrings and thirſtings after an enjoyment of Chriſt, and find my Soul grieved, when he is diſhonoured, either by my ſelf or by others, and p. 152I love, long, and look for his laſt appearing and coming.

Seventhly. I highly value the Goſpel, that Word of Chriſt and Truth which bringeth good tidings, even Reconciliation and the Diſpenſation of the Grace of God which hath been hid ſome Thouſand of Years, and now is forfeited, yet graciouſly continued to us, though withdrawn from many Nations, I am thankful for it, labour to live like it, and to adorn it with my life daily.

Eightly. I know that matters are agreed with God (ſo that he is now no adverſary) becauſe I find an oneneſs with him, (1.) In mind, which is made correſpondent with the mind of God by this agreement; I can think the reproaches of Chriſt to be greater riches than the Treaſures of Aegrpt, Heb. 11.26. (2.) Oneneſs of Will, I can ſay (whether for life or Death) the will of the Lord be done, Acts. 21.14. Though there p. 153hath been much ado to bring my will into an agreement with God; and when I find not ſometimes an actual agreement, yet have I always an habitual agreement of my will with the will of God, (3.) Oneneſs of Affection, I love what God loves, and hate what God hates, Pſal. 119.70. Jer. 44.4. I hate ſin which God hates, ſo I love holineſs which God loves, (4.) Oneneſs of way: Can two walk together unleſs they be agreed? Amos 3.3. Pſal. 119.30. and 25▪ 5. and Iſa. 56.4, 5. (5.) Oneneſs of interest, Gods Intereſt is mine and my intereſt is Gods: I can ſay (in the Witneſſings of the Holy Ghoſt, Rom. 9.1.) that there is this fivefold Oneneſs betwixt God and me, ſo are agreed.

The Ninth Evidence for his Intereſt in Heaven was, his Holy Jealouſy over his own heart in all his holy undertakings, ever fearing that ſome by reſpect and not Gods glory was the p. 154motive that led him to holy duties, this he oft prayed againſt, and particularly cautions a gracious Young-Man (with whom he had agreed to carry on a Chriſtian Correſpondency, either in abſence by Letter, or in preſence by Conference) that herein they did not bring hurt inſtead of good to themſelves, by ſeeking our ſelves, and not him whoſe we are, &c. [We are not our own but Chriſts who pay'd dear for us, far more than we are worth, and we have covenanted to glorify him, not our ſelves, &c.] this Holy Jealouſy, is a bleſſed frame of Spirit.

Tenthly. His prizing an Union, and Communion with God, above the Confluence of all worldly comforts. This point he (in another letter to the Young-Man aforeſaid when in the Country by ſickneſs) much inſiſts upon, ſaying, while we enjoy Gods preſence, we have the Hidden Manna, and that joy which p. 155ſtrangers (to God) intermeddle not not with, all is nothing and worſe than nothing without it, 'tis Heaven upon Earth, and 'tis Heaven in the way to Heaven, thus David reckon'd One Day with God better than a thouſand without him, &c.

Eleventhly, O What carefulneſs, do I find in all his Manuſcripts as well as in his letters expreſſed to keep his accounts even betwixt God and his Soul, that right reckoning might keep them long friends in his Stewardſhip, which he deſired (himſelf and others) may give up with joy.

Twelfthly. His deſire to be diſſolved and to be with Chriſt, this he repeats often in all his papers earneſtly longing to be out of this tottering tabernacle and to be clothed upon with immortality and Glory, which deſire of his, God ſpeedily granted, finding him fully ripe for Heaven, before he was at age of 21. to lay claim to his portion here upon Earth.

p. 156CHAP. VI.

AFter theſe ſolid Soul-ſearching Evidences, which he found in himſelf, do follow the many fair Characters, that his intimate friends (yet without flattery) give of him recorded by others: The Firſt Character, was from a gracious Young-Man, (his Alter Ego) who writeth thus.

I was well acquainted with Mr. John Draper for ſome Years, and the more I knew him, the more I admired him as one of the choiceſt Saints that ever I knew or ever expect to know while I live: Among many other excellencyes I took notice of him for theſe following.

Firſt. For his Solemn and Frequent Dedications of himſelf to God, p. 157this he did from the pureſt flames of Divine Love, and from a clear viſion of the Beauty of holineſs, &c.

Secondly. For his frequent and ſilent Elevations of heart Heavenward, evidenced by the often lifting of his eyes upward, conjoyned with the ſweet ſmiles of his Countenance, when he thought none obſerved it, &c.

Thirdly. For his conſtant Retirements to hold communion with his God, which was ſo ſweet and ſatiſfactory to him that he would ſit up therein till one or two in the morning, as his own manuſcripts manifeſt, &c.

Fourthly, For his daily and diligent examination of himſelf by Mr. Allens and by Pythogera's Rules, taking ſpecial notice what mercyes he daily received, what were his omiſſions of good, and commiſſions of evil that his preſent Days practice might amend the foregoing days p. 158error, &c. Hereby he aſcended to be eminent, &c.

Fifthly. For his Victory over temptations, wherewith (though ſo ſtrict and one of the higheſt form in Chriſt's School) He was greatly exerciſed: I well know it coſt him much pains to conquer his conſtitution-ſin which through the Majeſty of God upon him (as he uſed to ſay) he prevailed over, and his other ſins at their firſt riſing, &c.

Sixthly. For his Admirable mortification, The Pleaſures, Treaſures, and Honours of the World were as Dung and Droſs to him, uſing all creature-comforts in a mortified manner, ſo that it was hard for his friends to draw him to any diverſions his weaned Soul diſliked unneceſſary viſits, &c.

Seventhly. For his delight in Holy Duties, O what time he ſpent in prayers and praiſes, he was unwearied, in thoſe Heavenly repaſts and p. 159Angelical imploys never contented with doing duty, till he found his God in Duty, and if diverted by buſineſs at any time from Duty, he was reſtleſs till he could come at it, and if he met not God therein (which was but ſeldom) he found the more of Gods preſence afterward in the next, &c.

Eighthly. For his Choice of, and Carriage among his Companions: As he was very careful with whom he did aſſociate, ſo his Speech was very ſavoury, among his aſſociates. O the many gracious diſcourſes, I have heard from his mouth, as once he ſaid this to my ſelf, [Let us be burning lights in the midst of a perverſe generation] and in all companies he would be very attentive to any good diſcourſe, and retain for practice what he judged fit, and his ſpeech was a powerful charm to others ever improving his Lords talent, &c.

p. 160Ninthly. For his Holy Zeal, earneſtly ſolliciting his aſſociates evermore to ſtedfaſtneſs in the Good old way (as he uſed to call it) having fervent love to Gods image where ever he ſaw it among differing perſwaſions.

Tenthly. For his great patience and Reſignation in his laſt ſickneſs, whereof I was an eye-witneſs and heard him ſay, that all this viſitation was to bring him nearer God, and that divine love ſweetned all his pains and bodily decays: Never did I hear God more thanked by any Man for the higheſt confluence of pleaſing providences, than was by him for his affliction; nay never did he magnify God more in his health, than now in his ſickneſs: To conclude, He was ſuch a careful Redeemer of precious time, that he did not only not do nothing, but alſo not do little, ſo that his diligence in Holy Duties was a preſage of his ſpeedy tranſlation p. 161into a better World, his haſty diſpatch of his Heavenly Work could not long want its reward.

The Second Character I find of him was from another aſſociate and familiar of his, who gives this deſcription of him.

Firſt. His natural temper was ſo ſweet, and his carriage ſo amicable, as if nature had opened her Treaſure to adorn him.

Secondly. Though this be all that ſome attain to, yet could not he be ſatisfyed with this as his portion, nor with his deſcent of Godly Good Parents, but he begged to be Heavenborn and to be eminent for Holineſs, ſeeing ineſtimable beauty in the ways of God.

Thirdly. I have admired to ſee him keep daily a ſenſible communion with God in the midſt of his Worldly affairs, being careful that all his actings had a tendency to Gods Honour.

p. 162Fourthly. When he heard vain diſcourſe from others, he would drive them out of it, and perſwade them to a love to the beſt things, if he could not prevail, he would leave them.

Fifthly. When in company with thoſe from whom he expected better diſcourſe, he was in pain while he met with it, telling them, ſhould all our diſcourſes be regiſtered, O how ſhould we be aſhamed, &c. hereby he ſhamed them out of impertinencies, while he would ſpirituallize temporal objects.

Sixthly, He was one that ſet an high value upon the ordinances of God, and was careful how he did approach to them, eſpecially the Lords Supper, Conferring with others for fitting himſelf and them for it, and every Sabbath He uſed to run over the Heads of Sermons (he heard) with me, &c.

Seventhly. He was much affected p. 163that his ſickneſs detained him from hearing, ſo that though his Phyſitian perſwaded him to keep in, yet would he venture, ſaying, he got no harm thereby.

Eigthly. He had an high eſtimation on the light of Gods Countenance, and if at any time he apprehended frowns He would give no ſleep to his eyes, &c. though he ſat till midnight till he recovered the ſmiles of Gods face again, daily caſting up his accounts with God.

Ninthly. He ſaid to me, when I ſee Work-men tremble when they come to caſt up their accounts for fear they are not right, I think how Sinners will tremble at the great day of Account.

Tenthly. He meditated much on Redemption, and crying O Eternity, Eternity, &c. Ariſe ye dead and come to judgment, ſtill ſounded in his ears, &c.

Which made him keep a Diary p. 164to obſerve how grace increaſed and ſin decreaſed, &c.

Laſtly. In a Word I want expreſſions, and am aſhamed I have learnt no more from ſo eminent a Patern of Piety through hopes of enjoying him longer and oftner. This made me neglect obſerving and remembring many ſweet expreſſions, which now I wiſh I had not done, &c.

The Third and moſt Perfect Character, I have from his own Gracious Siſter, who writes thus of him.

My Dear Brother Mr. John Draper, was born March, 26.1663. of Godly Parents though he was much bereaved of the benefit of their Education of him, they dying before he was 12. Years old, yet had they done their duty for him till then putting up many earneſt prayers to God in his behalf, which the Lord graciouſly anſwered in taking care of the fatherleſs after: in the Year 1675. he was put to a School-Maſter who p. 165was as careful for his Soul as for his Body, &c. In the Year 1678. He became an apprentice, where he ſerved his Maſter faithfully, being effectually called in the firſt Year of his time, and then reflecting upon himſelf for his former miſpending of time, and neglecting ſeaſons of grace: He now begins to make a better improvement of the Aſſemblies Catechiſm, which he had got by heart before he was 11. Year old, at home, and the Sermons he had writ abroad at School, now became he more ſweet to us all, I never ſaw him out of an Heavenly frame, but if he was not hearing ſomething of God, he would be ſpeaking ſomething from God, if at any time we deſired him to ſtay with us, he would anſwer my time is not my own, I muſt not neglect my Maſters buſineſs, much leſs Gods, to whom I muſt give an account of all my Thoutghs, Words and deeds, I have much p. 166Work to do and but little time to do it in, this ſhould aw our hearts from ſin and make us earneſt for pardoning & preventing mercy: O what need we have to ſtir up one another in ways of Godlineſs, for Heart-work is hard work, and we love the World more than God, He would oft bewail with tears to behold how the Youth generally prophaned the name of God and were unwearied in doing the Devils drudgery, whereas we (call'd Chriſtians) are ſoon weary with doing our Maſters will, whoſe Yoke is eaſy and his Burden light, adding, 'tis free grace that makes the difference betwixt us and thoſe Vain Youths. He expreſſed his fear of ſetting up for himſelf often, obſerving how many were Zealous while Apprentices, yet declined when became Masters, who being asked why they had loſt their firſt love, anſwered it was for want of time, to which he replyed it was more for want of p. 167love than of time, this he feared might be his own caſe if God prevented it not. Being asked if he were willing to ſuffer for God, he anſwered, if God call me to it he will quallifie me for it, but he thought God would not put that honour upon him: The time that others take for recreation, he ſpent in holy Duties, and the money others ſpend idelly he laid out either profitably or charitably. His ſickneſs began Jan. 23. 1682. which he bore with wonderful patience all along.

Ever deſiring God would compleat his work in and upon him, O how would he bleſs God that it fared well with his Soul, how ever it fared with his Body, and that God was never wanting to us, when we are not wanting to our ſelves, though ſome blamed him for being too bookiſh during his weakneſs, he anſwered, ſhould reading impair my health, I am ſure it refreſhes my p. 168Soul, and I wiſh you all to prize Communion with God, and to make your peace with God before the night come, had I now that work to do, I might expect frowns where (through my Dear Redemer) I have ſmiles upon me, which I cannot expreſs.

When in the greateſt extremity, He would ſay, what is all this, to that which Chriſt ſuffered for me, crying out, O the gentleneſs of God to me compared with Crhiſts ſorrows calling to hear the 14, 15, 16, and 17. Chapters of John, read to him when weakeſt he would lay ſmiling with his eyes and his hands lift up to Heaven, and a few days before he dyed he ſaid thus to me, Siſter I know you wiſh me well, I cannot be well here, therefore be willing to let me go, 'tis not long ſince God made you willing to leave me in a troubleſome World, and now will not you be willing to give me up to p. 169God: if a taſt of Heaven be ſo ſweet here, what is the full injoyment, let me go firſt, 'tis but a little time and we ſhall meet again, &c. I have forborn to mention my death (to the loſs of my ſelf and others) becauſe your ſpirit cannot bear it, O how am I comforted in the ſtock of prayers going for me, when I cannot now pray for my ſelf, eſpecially that Chriſt is interceding for me in Heaven: After this his ſpeech was ſcarce intelligible, yet underſtood he ſaid, [Lord thou knoweſt what I have done, and what I have left undone,] oft over, and all night ſpake with ſuch earneſtneſs as thinking he was underſtood, the next morning friends perſwaded me to withdraw as being no more uſeful to him, but hurtfull to my ſelf, and if he became more ſenſible it would grieve him to ſee me grieve, But after ſome hours abſence, returning to him, he took me by the hand p. 170to comfort me ſaying, with Arms ſpread, my God hath chained up Satan, which was an anſwer to that very requeſt, put up for him a little before. Thus when death (That King of terrours, and terrour of Kings) was unſtung, he ſubmitted to its ſtroke and changed his life for a better. Aug. 3. 1682.

He appointed the Text for his funeral Sermon to be Gen. 47.9. (as is related before) in the time of his Health, yet finding the ſentence of Death upon himſelf, &c.

He was born 1663. began his laſt ſickneſs on Jan. 23. and dyed when Auguſt was but 3. days old.

Thus

This Bleſſed Soul paſſed from Three to Three,

Handed by Three in one the Trinity,

From Womb to Tomb. Three threes compleats his race,

Turns all his griefs to everlaſting Peace.

p. 171The Next Character is that of a Miniſter who writes thus to him in his laſt ſickneſs, &c.

Shall I be ſorry to hear of your ſickneſs? I am, as it is an evil to Nature, but I rejoyce in hope that it will increaſe your Grace, not doubting but to ſuch a ſerious Chriſtian and Religious perſon as you have been, this Affliction will be the taking away of ſin, and this rod (with Aarons) will bloſſom with the Peaceable fruits of Righteouſneſs, your great knowledge in the myſtery of Salvation, and eminent proficiency in the School of Chriſt may well put a Superſedeas to any inſtructions from me, yet give me leave as a faithful Monitor to mind you of your duty of Patience, that you may be as eminent in that Grace in the time of your ſickneſs, as you were in other Graces in the time of your health. I know 'tis impoſſible for Nature to endure (without murmuring) the p. 172loſs of ſuch a mercy as health, but Grace can weigh theſe Conſiderations.

Firſt. Conſider who is the Author of your affliction, it ſprings not out of die duſt, nor comes by chance, but 'tis my Fathers hand that appoints the time, place, meaſure, and manner, ſo muſt not murmur.

Second. Conſider, though you be a Son of God, yet your ſin has deſerved Hell, and thither had you been caſt, had not your Dear Redeemer dyed for you: But ſeeing you are Delivered from wrath to come, and this is all your Hell you are like to have, to wit, this preſent chaſtiſement, therefore you may not murmur, &c.

Third. Conſider God never Afflicts willingly, but when need is, and for gracious ends, to ſubdue ſin and to ſtrengthen Grace, to wean from the World, and to make Heaven more deſirable, &c. (his bowels ſtill yearning while his rod is on our backs) p. 173if this be ſo, ſhould you not be patient.

Fourth. Meditate much on the joys of Heaven, and the happy reſt there prepared for you, which tranſcends our apprehenſions while we tabernacle in houſes of clay. O the Rivers of pleaſure, the Manſions of bliſs, the Regions of happineſs, the Crowns of life, the ſcepters of power, the Robes of Glory, and the thrones of honour, that are there prepared for the Lambs followers, no ſinning is there to provoke God, no ſuffering to moleſt us, no weeping eyes, ſighing breaſts, or complaining tongues are found there. No crying there [O my Head! my Head, and O my bowels be pained, &c.] But all reſt in the arms of love, and in the Boſom of Chriſt. O happy Souls that are now got thither, and ſince you will ſhortly be there, ſhould you not be ſubmiſſive to and rejoyce in the will of God: That he p. 174give you both an Happy and a Comfortable departure out of time into eternity is the prayer of, &c.

The laſt Character is that of mine own from my own perſonal knowledg of him, which, though it was not ſo much as was that of many others who were more converſant with him, yet was enough to give me a proſpect of his (almoſt) unparallel'd piety: I never converſed with a more mortifyed Young-Man from youthful vanitys, ſo ſerious in his deportments, ſo ſavoury in his diſcourſes with ſo grave an aſpect, and and ſo compoſed a countenance, as I ſeldom law in this our Engliſh Iſrael. He had ſo faithfully followed theſe following rules.

Firſt. Let not God find me in my bed when he looks for me on my knees.

Second. Nor wandring thoughts eat out the life of my Duty.

Third. Nor be ſlight in reading p. 175Gods Word, or hearing it preached, which I ſhould digeſt in my heart, and repeat in my life.

Fourth. I muſt redeem time.

Fifth. Deny my ſelf.

Sixth. Do more than others.

Seventh. Be careful of my company.

Eighth. Leave the Savour of Grace behind me in all companies.

Ninth. Be Holy in all my relations as a ſervant, &c.

Tenth. No ſin muſt ſit light.

Eleventh. Nor may I live in that which I know or fear to be a ſin.

Twelfth. 'Tis my duty to mourn for ſin, my own and others.

Thirteenth. To be much in Holy Ejaculations, having God oft in my mind, and Heaven oft in my ſight.

Fourteenth. To be oft looking into my own heart.

Fifteenth. To reſiſt the firſt riſings of ſin.

Sixteenth. To bridle my tongue.

p. 176Seventeenth. To feed in Gods fear at my meal times.

Eighteenth. To do all my ſecular and ſacred affairs for Gods glory, the good of others as well as my ſelf, &c. That he familliarizing his Soul with theſe and the like helps, and duely and daily weighing himſelf in the ballance of the Sanctuary, ſoon became a None ſuch, in Chriſtian attainments, ſo that the way of this Godly-wiſe Young-Man was above (as Prov. 15.24.) Raiſing the feet of his Soul to walk in a higher Region and above the heads of moſt other young-men: Sure I am his Converſaſion was in Heaven (as Phil. 3.20.) while his commoration was on Earth. the Rabbins ſay, that Cain's ſin was not dividing aright for God, for which fault (they ſuppoſe) God brought that brand (of going about everſighing and trembling, &c. but I may without vanity affirm, that if any young man learned to divide p. 167aright betwixt his General and particular calling, this Holy Young-man did, who ſeldom (or never) would ſuffer them to juſtle out one the other. As he would not give his Masters-time to Gods worſhip, ſo nor Gods time to his Maſters ſervice: I wiſh all apprentices would learn to write after ſo fair a copy, and to dreſs themſelves by ſo lovely a looking-glaſs, I know alſo how the Spirit of God reſted upon him in moſt eminent actings and emanations, and I ſtand admiring, not only at his moſt Evangelical Experiences, Exerciſes, Examinations, and Evidences above mentioned, but alſo at his moſt ſenſible and ſavoury letters not only writ with his own Mortal hand, but with a moſt Gracious Heart. In one of which I find how he obliged his Correſpondent (a Godly Young man) to Holineſs with theſe arguments.

First. We have covenanted not p. 178to allow our ſelves in any known ſin but to uſe all means for the death and deſtruction thereof.

Second. To forſake all that is dear to us in this world, rather than forſake God and his Goſpel.

Third. To watch over our own hearts againſt the temptations both of proſperity and adverſity leaſt we be drawn from God.

Fourth. To take the Laws of God for the rule of our thoughts, words and actions, ſquaring our whole life thereby.

Fifth. To neglect nothing we know to be our duty.

Sixth. To reſign up our ſelves to God and avouch him for our Lord.

Seventh. To own Jehovah as our portion, promiſing to ſerve him all our days.

Eight. To improve Chriſt as he is the new and living way for acceſs to the Father.

p. 179Ninth. To be marryed to Chriſt, accepting him for our Head and Huſband in all ſtates and times taking our lot as it falls, though ſufferings and death do accrue, we muſt renounce our own will and wiſdom, &c.

In another I find the Saints pedigree.

Firſt. What Chriſt is to us? He is Our Lord, 1. Cor. 1, 2. Our Friend, Cant. 5.16. Our fleſh and blood, Heb. 2.14. Our Brother, Ver. 17. Our Father, Iſa. 63.16. Our Husband Rom. 7.4. what we are to Chriſt? His Servants Rom. 6.22. His Friends, John. 15.14. His Kinſmen, Mark 3.21.35. His Brethren, John 7.3. His Sons. Gal. 3.26. His Spouſe, Siſter, Love and Dove, Cant. 4.9. The Church is one Vine, John 15. 1. One Seed, Gal. 3.16. One Temple, Eph. 2.16. One Body, Rom. 12.5. One Spirit, 1. Cor. 6.16. and one Christ, 1. Cor. p. 17012.12. and upon the ſurvey of this Pedigree, he Cryeth out, Lord what is man thou art thus mindful of him, making him (in ſome reſpects) Higher than Angels, Thou haſt crowned him with Glory and Honour, &c. Pſal. 8.

In another letter to his elder Siſter (writ about three a clock in the morning) he gives an high encomium of Godlineſs (to ſtrengthen her in love to the good ways of God) ſaying, 'tis the great work we have to mind in this lower World, therefore need we to meet helps to forward one another therein, 'tis not a ſmall thing, or a by-buſineſs to be forgotten, &c. 'tis the beſt riches that cannot be taken from us, as there are all good things in it, ſo there is no danger to looſe it, yet find I a proneneſs to be triffling and tampering with tranſitory vanities, while the true riches are neglected, O this Heart-work is Hard-work, and the p. 171way to Heaven is up the hill, but our Captain (if we follow him cloſe) will make it eaſy, helping us to hold on and to hold out to the end not only as living but alſo as lively Christians, not loitering in the way of ſin, but luſtily running our race, ſeating our ſelves under Gods eye: All lower perſons and things be changeable, Relations may be our friends to Day and they may be dead to morrow, or they may live, yet their love may die, and our delights to day may be our ſorrow and our horror to morrow, &c. but ſtill in Godlineſs we have an unchangable God, our thoughts of this muſt be bellows to blow up the flame of our deſires, and the ſpur to our dull affections.

In another Letter to his younger Siſter (which came alſo to my hand) O what a travelling ſpirit was upon him, that Chriſt may beformed in her, ſaying to her.

p. 182My hearts deſire and prayer … that you may be ſaved, con…der your ſad eſtate by nature, you are a ſlave of Satan, a ſtranger to God, and if you dye in that eſtate you are undone for ever. O that you may ſee in this your day the things that belong to your everlaſting peace, leaſt they be for ever hid from your eyes. For judgment will certainly find you, where death doth leave you, if you die in an unregenerate ſlate, you will be baniſhed from the preſence of God, and an eternity of horror and terrour is to be endured, &c. But if you make your calling and election ſure, then may you expect, nay you will have everlaſting bliſs. O think much on theſe things you have now time to make your peace, put it not off (if you love your Soul) no not till to morrow (as too many young perſons do thinking it ſoon enough yet and yet) but know, you may be dead before p. 183the morrow, pray therefore for conve…ing Grace and for power to caſt off ſin, eſpecially that which lays neareſt your heart, for if the heart-ſin be loved better than Chriſt 'twill undo you for ever, let but your Lord have your chiefeſt love and you will ſoon find more pleaſure in ways of holineſs than in all the ways of ſin.

In another letter to his kinſwoman, I find him very warm in his exhortations, ſaying.

Now is the time of ſtirring up one another to prepare for approaching evils, ſeeing the Cloud thickens and looks black over our head, we have need to have our rock ready to fly to and to have our evidences for Heaven cleared, to have our loins girt and our lamps burning, and to ſit looſe from thoſe lower things that ſeem now to be leaving us, O that ſweet word Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to us, for the end p. 174of this diſpenſation is to drive u… further off from ſin and nearer God. And O ſweet word, In the world ye ſhall have tribulation, but in Chriſt peace, who would not travel through a world of trouble, to find that peace in Chriſt.

This kinſwoman was ſo touched with his lines, that ſhe caſt in this character of him after his death, ſaying, God took him from me, becauſe I was unworthy of him, he told me, 'twas better to want time than to want an heart for doing good, he cryed oft (hearing the clock ſtrike) O Time, Time, I am ſo much nearer eternity, and O the Love of Chriſt that purchaſed an eternity of weal for me, is there any Love like Chriſts, &c.

In another I find theſe ſhort rules (comprized in Verſe) very uſeful to him when time would not permit him to make any uſe of larger helps.

p. 175Let not ſoft ſleep thy weary eyes invade

Before the ſame confine with the nights ſhade.

Thy thoughts retire, and make it their laſt task

Of the days deeds three queſtions thus to ask.

Wherein Have I tranſgreſſed this day? what good deed have I wrought,

And what have I forborn to do? which to have done I ought?

Or Thus.

What have I done amiſs this day? What well?

What Good have I omitted? Conſcience tell?

This Diſtich (as his who ſent him them intimates) comprehends all our thoughts words and deeds, and by pondering and improving them duely p. 186and daily, they both reaped great … nifit, &c.

In another I find that the method of correſpodency betwixt his Friend (a gracious young man) and himſelf was carryed on by a communication of Experiences or practical and profitable diſcourſes upon the joys of Heaven, the love of God in Chriſt, the ſecond coming of our Lord, the evil of ſin, &c. As to the firſt of thoſe points, (the joys of Heaven) their intercourſe maketh this mention.

The Glory (which we ought to have our Faith fixed on for our comfort) is called in Scripture compariſons: A Crown of life, of Righteouſneſs, and of Glory, an incorruptible inheritance, a reſt for the People of God, the recompence of reward, an Houſe not made with hands, an excellent place which the eye hath not ſeen, &c. The City of the Living God, the Heavenly Jeruſalem, the Holy kingdom, p. 187the Bleſſed hope and end of our holy race, the City whoſe builder and maker is God, the houſe not made with hands, the heavenly Country, the ſtrait Gate, &c. The contemplation of all theſe divne compariſons afforded ſtrong conſolation to Both their Souls, &c.

No leſs comfortable was their interchange of communion about the other point of Christs ſecond coming, which is likewiſe called in Scripture a Day of conſolation, and of corronation, an harveſt day a marriage day, and a day of admiration, wherein Chriſt will be admired of all his Saints at his Glorious appearance, though now we be diſpiſed by the world as our dear Redeemer (himſelf was) yet, this is our joy our redemption day draweth nigh, &c.

In another letter he hath this paſſage (I ſuppoſe) to ſome Miniſter, ſaying, Sir, though I be a ſtranger to p. 178you, yet cannot, nay dare not ho… any longer from ſpeaking to you; for asking my own heart whether I were fit to dye it was anſwered that could not be till accounts were cleared (concerning the ſins I groaned under) between God and my Soul, about this Sir, my preſent addreſs is for your profitable advice: Therefore I beſeech you ſearch me throughly to the very inwards of my heart, &c.

Many more ſuch ſavoury lines (all ſeaſoned with the ſalt of ſincerity and ſanctity, I might add out of ſeveral other of his Letters, which muſt be omitted to avoid prolixity.

To Conclude, upon the View of the whole, I muſt only add this though we have not his picture drawnin paint by ſome skilful limner for refreſhing the memory of Relations, p. 179and to prefix before this Book, yet it is limned to the life in black and white both by private Chriſtians, and publick Miniſters: He was (without flattery) a mirror of piety eſpecially in making ſo ſtrict a ſcrutiny over all his own ſteps, and taking ſo ſerious a proſpect over all his own works both upon Sabbath days and upon every week-day between them, that He might keep his heart with all diligence, Prov. 4.23. O how exact was he in Self-Examination, as well in civil and ſecular, as in ſacred affairs, I have been young, and now am old, yet never in all my acquaintance found I ſo much faithful Self-tryal which is indeed a moſt neceſſary, but alas a much neglected duty, and I am confident moſt Chriſtians are at a great loſt in their inner man by the omiſſion hereof, as to my own part, I am utterly p. 190aſhamed to behold my ſelf (now an old Miniſter of Forty Ye…rs ſtanding in the Miniſtry) ſo far out ſtripped by ſo Young a Man (not attaining the third part of my age) and ſo private a Chriſtian as an Apprentice; would to God, we could all (young and old, Miniſters and People) imitate this Pattern of piety, calling our faithleſs hearts to a faithfull account daily, and ever keeping upon our Watch-Tower, &c. This would be a bleſſed means to keep in the fear of God all the day, Prov. 23.17. to live much more in a little time, as he did from 1678. to 1683. to be neither aſhamed to live, nor afraid to dye, like him, who lived his little ſhort life with Chriſt in this lower world, and now reigneth with Chriſt in the upper and better world.

FINIS.

Th… I did dilligently correct every Sheet yet for want of ſome Reviſes, theſe faults with ſome others have eſcaped.

ERRATA.

In the Epiſtle page 5. line 18. dele 6 p. 6. l. 24. read got. p. 36. l. 18. to wit. tranſ. p. 49. l. 9. for third r. threefold. p. 63. l. 20. for Heaven r. haven. P. 77. 1. 21. for ſoul r. ſeal. p. 79. 1. 17. r. than. p. 108. 1. 6. r. get. p. 116. 1. 21. r. jeered, and 1. 24. r. that. p. 150. 1. 12. for to r. I. for by r. becauſe. p. 170. 1. 9. for 82. r. 83.

End of the text · Christopher Ness, A Spiritual Legacy (1684)