News from Hell, Petition
A true Coppie of the Petition which was by the Lords presented unto the KING at York, September the 12. 1640.
To the Kings most Excellent Majesty.
THe humble Petition of your Majesties most loyall subjects, whose names are here under subscribed, in the behalfe of themselves, and divers others.
Most gracious Soveraigne,
The sense of that duty we owe to Gods sacred Majesty, and our nearest affection to the good and welfare of this your Realm of England, have moved us in all humility, to beseech your Royall Majesty, to give us leave to offer to your Princely wisdom, the apprehension which we & others your faithful subjects have conceived, of the great distemper and danger now threatning this Church and State, & your Royall person, and of the fittest means to remove and prevent the same. The evils and dangers whereof your Majesty may be pleased to take notice of, are these.
That your Majesties sacred person is exposed to hazard & danger, in this present expedition against the Scottish Army, and that by occasion of this warre, your Majesties revenues are much wasted, your subjects burthened with cote and conduct mony, billiting of souldiers, and other military charges, and divers rapines & disorders (committed,) in severall parts of this your Realm, by the souldiers raised for that service, and the whole Realme full of feares and discontentments.
The sundry innovations in matters of Religion, the oath of Canons lately imposed upon the Clergy, and others of your Majesties subjects, the great increase of Popery, and imploying of Popish Recusants, and others ill affected unto Religion, are established in places of power & trust; especially in commanding of men & armes, both in the field, & in sundry other Counties of this your Realm, which by the lawes, they are not permitted to have any armes in their owne houses, The great mischiefe that may fall upon this Kingdom, if the intention which hath beene credibly reported of the bringing in of Irish and forraigne forces, should take effect; The heavy charge of Merchants, to the great discouragement of trade; The multitude of Monopolies and other Patents, whereby the commodities and manufactures of this Kingdome are much burthened, to the great and universall grievances of your people, the great griefe of your subjects, with the long intermission of Parliaments, and the late and former dissolving of such as have beene called, without the happy effects, which otherwise they might have produced; for remedy whereof, and prevention of the danger that may ensue to your Royall person, & the whole state, They do in all humility & faithfulnesse beseech your Majesty, that you will be pleased to summon a Parliament in some short and convenient time, whereby the causes of these and other great grievances, which your people suffer under, may be taken away, & the Authors & Counsellors of them may be brought to such legall tryal, & condigne punishment, as the nature of their offences shall require, and that the present warre may be composed by your Majesties wisdom without bloudshed, in such a manner as may conduce to the honour of your Majesties person & safety, the cōfort of your people, & uniting of both the Realmes against the common enemies of the reformed religion, & your Majesties petitioners shall &c.
The names of such Earles and Barons as subscribed this Petition. viz. Earles: Bedford, Hartford, Essex, Mougrave, Warwicke, Bullingbrooke, Rutland, Lincolne, Exeter. Vicounts: Lord Say and Seale, Mandifield, Brooke, Harford, North, Willowby, Savell, Wharton, Lovelace, Saint John.
Articles of agreement, made, concluded, and done this 28. of September, in the yeare of grace, 1641. and of the world, 5662. by and between the high and mighty Prince Lucifer, King of Sticks and Phlegeton, the holy and most superstitious Primate of the Roman Church, the Cardinals, Bishops, Jesuites, Priests, and Semenaries, (of the one party) and Judge Bribery, Lawyer Corruption, Atturney Contention, Solicitor Sedition, Justice Connivence, Jaylor Oppression, and State Negligence, (of the other party) in manner and forme following.
Imprimis,
IT is this day mutually agreed, by and betweene the severall parties above-named, That there shal be a league offensive, and defensive, concluded, and confirmed by both parties, at or before Holy-roode day, next ensuing the date hereof. Item, That whereas there hath beene lately by the subtill practises of some Parliamentary reformists, a discord & dissension raised between the State Ecclesiastick, & the state of the Inns of Court, wherby there hath hapned no small prejudice unto the ecclesiastick state, the likes whereof is to be doubted, may also fall upon the state of the Innes of Court, and so consequently upon the Crown and dignity of our Soveraigne Lord King Lucifer. It is therefore mutually agreed, that all former controverfies and contentions betweene both parties shall cease, and that all unity, peace, and concord, shall be imbraced on either side, according to the expressions in the precedent Article, to the honour of our Soveraigne Lord King Lucifer, his crowne and dignity.
Item, It is agreed that the said state of the Inns of Court, and the state Ecclesiastick afore-said, shall joyntly & severally use the uttermost of their strength, power, and policy, to resist and suppresse all such proceedings of this present Parliament, which shall any way tend to the Reformation and suppression of Oppression, Extortion, Bribery, Contention, & Tradition; And that they shall and will, with all their might, power, and policie, endeavour and strive to broach, advance, and maintaine, all the said severall impieties again, to the honour of our Soveraigne Lord King Lucifer, his crowne and dignity.
Item, It is agreed by & betweene our Soveraigne Lord King Lucifer, and the whole state Ecclesiastick, of the one part, and Judge Bribery; That forthwith upon the dissolution of this present Parliament, He the said Judge Bribery, is then again to put in practise the taking of bribes, passing of false judgment, and maintaining his false & corrupt sentences and decrees, to be things sacred and infallible; oppressing the innocent by close imprisonment; and also favouring all Jesuites, Priests, and Semenaries, if any of them happen by the Instruments of Justice to be laid hold on; animating and instructing all Atturnies, Soliciters, and Clarks, for and to the sowing of strife and contention amongst the people of the land, to the honour of our Soveraigne Lord King Lucifer, his crowne and dignity.
Item, It is agreed by & betweene our Soveraigne Lord King Lucifer, & Lawyer Corruption: that he the said Lawyer Corruption, shall notwithstanding any powerfull Parliamentary reformation, still persist in taking fees, both of plaintife and defendant, nor shall ever bring any honest cause to its period, untill he hath (in fees) devoured the whole substance both of plaintife and defendant, neither shall he the said Lawyer Corruption ever at any time give any true and prevalent advice to any his clyents, but shall delude and delay them, untill hee hath draynd them as afore-said, to the utter ruine of them, their wives and children, to the honour of our Soveraigne Lord King Lucifer, and the propagation of his Crowne and dignity. To their owne present, rich impiety, and assured successefull perdition.
Item, It is agreed and concluded, by and betweene our Soveraigne Lord King Lucifer, and Atturny Contention; That he the said Atturny Contention, shall and will, at all times, in all places, and upon all occasions, use his best diligence to sow debate, strife, variance, & contention amongst the people of the land without exception of persons; yea, he shall not omit to set the father against the son, and the son against the father, as also one brother against the other, to the utter ruine of their estates, houses, and families, to that end he shall dispose of himselfe and all his imphes, into all the quarters and severall corners of the Kingdom; neither shall there be any market-towne or place of habitation, but hee shall seat himselfe there, to the intent and purpose afore-said, to the honour of our Soveraigne Lord King Lucifer, his Crown and dignity, and to the advancement of the said science of iniquity.
Item, It is agreed by, & between our Soveraigne Lord King Lucifer, and Solicitor Sedition, That he the said Solicitor Sedition, shall & will at all times use his best endeavour to stir up, animate, and encourage all people, of what condition, degree, & profession soever, unto … in the law, and that he the said Solicitor Sedition, shall & will prove faithfull unto all Lawyers and Atturnies, and shall & will be slow in the prosecution of any mans cause whatsoever, & spin out the thred thereof unto its full length, especially in the Courts of equity, by multiplicity of (begging orders) and by not omitting to have this clause inserted into every of his orders; viz. (unlesse cause be shewed to the contrary at the next court day by the defendant) as also by falsifying of orders through the corrupting of registers, and corrupting of counsell in an honest cause, by deceiving his clyents through false and unjust bils of charges, by brybing the Judges of the severall Courts, and the masters of the Chancery, richly, to the honour of our Soveraigne Lord King Lucifer, his Crowne and dignity, and the eternall damnation of Solicitor Sedition.
Item, It is agreed & concluded in Perpetuum, between our Soveraigne Lord King Lucifer, & Jaylor Oppression, that whereas through the rigour of the law, many poore Christian soules are committed unto his keeping and safe custody for sundry causes, & sometimes for no just cause at all: He the said Jaylor Oppression, shall & will, by himself, his clarks & servants, be void of all mercy & compassion towards them; and shall and will, as much as in him lyeth, endeavour to worke the utter ruine of the estates and lives of all such as shall be committed to his custody, and to that end, he the said Jaylor Oppression, shall nor will not bee slacke in giving bribes, otherwise stiled new-yeares-gifts yearly unto all the Judges of the Courts of Justice, for, and towards the better incouragement and animation of them, to the commitment of all such to prison, as are, or shall be brought before them on the least occasion; and that he the said Jaylor Oppression shal be ever ready to yeeld his daily attendance on the Judges in their Courts, thereby to stir them up to be mindfull of him to that effect: & lastly it is agreed & concluded, that he the said JaylorOppression, shal & will by himselfe & his servants, set such snares & gins for all those committed to his custody, that they being once intrapped within his prison doors, shall never find the way out, during the continuance of their lives, or of their estates at the least, to the honour of our Soveraigne Lord King Lucifer, his Crowne and dignity, and to the eternall perdition of Jaylor Oppression.
Item, It is agreed by and between our Soveraigne Lord King Lucifer, and Justice Connivence, that he the said Justice Connivence, shall not nor will have any regard or respect to the justnes of any poore mans cause, nor shall ever incline his eare to any his just complaints, but shall & will ever connive and bear with the oppressor, defrauder, & deceiver; and that he the said Justice Connivence, shall and will ever preferre the value of a Goose, a Pig, a Capon, a brace of Partridges, a good fat Sheep, a Bore at Christmas, or a letter from a friend, written in favour of Sir Oppressor, Mr. Defrauder, and Dick Deceiver, far before Justice it selfe, or the justnesse of any honest mans cause whatsoever; nor that hee the said Justice Connivence shall ever execute Justice in any poore mans cause, but on the contrary, he shall oppresse them, and have his Mittimus ready written by his Clark. M' double fees for the speedy commitment of them to prison; neither shall hee ever incline his eare to heare their just complaints against the severall golden persons of worship afore-said, to the honour of our Soveraigne Lord King Lucifer, his Crowne and dignity, and the benefit of Jaylor Oppression.
Item, It is agreed by and between our Soveragine Lord King Lucifer, and state Negligence, that he the said state Negligence, shall ever preferre his own peace and present benefit, before the welfare and future prosperity of his King and country, & also that he the said state negligence shall not at any time, take notice of any the Illegal proceedings in any the Courts of Justice, nor shall addict himself or ever endeavour to suppresse nor prevent by any good or wholsome lawes the practise of tyranny, oppression, in justice, extortion, bribery, contention, idolatry, and the like. But shall and will soly addict himself to the pastimes, of hunting, hauking, gaming, whoring, & the utter rejection of the present and future benefit and welfare of his native countrey, to the honour of our Soveraigne Lord King Lucifer, the prosperity of his Religious Vicegerent, and the peace and tranquillity of all his servants the Jesuites, Priests, Seminaries, and the Roman Catholicks of England. In witnesse of the truth of these presents, and of every particular contained in the same, the parties above named have hereunto set their hands and seales, the day aforesaid, and in the 5662 yeere of the raigne of our most damnable Soveraigne Lord, King Lucifer. Etcetera.
Signed, sealed, and delivered in the presence of us. William Laud, Bishop. Isoprise Crauly, Judge. Bribing Long, Justice. Corrupt Fountaine, Lawyer. Jumping Jumper, Atturney. Johnson in Graine, Jaylor. Robert Kilfart, Solicitor. And Rudine …, Notarius publicus.