Select Observations of Roman Emperors, Life 9
Aulus Vitellius.
HE was beyond measure tall; he had a red face,Familia honorata magis quam nobili. occasioned by swilling in wine,Eutropius. and a great fat paunch besides, & somewhat limped upon one leg, by a hurt formerly received.
He was stained with all manner of reprochable villanies; he was familiar with Caius for his love to Chariot-running, and with Claudius for his affection to Dice-play, but he was in greater favour with Nero for his wicked conditions likewise; for he attended and followed him as he did sing, not by compulsion, as many a good man, but selling his honour to nourish his Riot, and feed his belly, to which he enthralled himself.
He found some supplications that were exhibited unto Otho, by such as claimed reward for their good service in killing Galba, and gave command that they should be sought out and executed every one. A worthy and magnificent beginning, such as might give good hope of an excellent Prince, had he not managed all matters else according to his own natural disposition, and the course of his former life, rather than respecting the Majesty of an Emperor.
When he came into the field where a battel was fought, and some of his train loathed and abhorred the putrified corruption of the dead bodies, he stuck not to hearten and encourage them with this cursed speech, Optimè olere occisum hostem, & melius civem, That an enemy slain had a very good smell, but a Citizen far better.
[That was also a wicked speech of Charles the ninth of France, at the Parisian massacre, when beholding the dead carcasses, he said that the smell of a dead enemy was good.]
He banished from Rome and Italy all the judicial Astrologers called Mathematicians, because they had said, that his reign should not endure one year to an end.
Nulla re contemtiorem se fecit Vitellius, quam ignavia & luxuria. Boecleri Dissertatio Politica.
If he could have forborn his riotous living, or used any moderation therein,Prorsus si luxuriam temperaret, avaritiam non timeres. Tacit. l. 2. Hist. Homo profuridae gulae. covetousness was a crime in him not to be feared, but he was shamefully given to his belly without all order or measure; Epularum foeda & inexplebilis libido, saith Tacitus: for which purpose there were daily brought out of Rome and Italy, Sueton.Irritamenta Gulae, Ad vos deinde transeo, quorum profunda & insatiabilis gula, hinc maria scrutatur, hinc terras.all provocations of Gluttony. The high-waies from both the Seas sounded of nothing else but of Caterers, and Purveyors; the greatest men in the City were spent and consumed in providing of Cates for the banquets;Seneca Ep. 89. the Cities themselves were wasted.
The Soldiers grew worse, and degenerated from labour and vertue, partly by turning themselves to pleasures, and partly through the contemptibleness of the Commander.
He would eat four meals a day,5 Saith Eutropius. breakfast, Dinner, Supper, and Rere-banquet, or after Supper; being able to bear them all very well: he used to vomit *It was an ordinary practise among them.ordinarily. His manner was to send word that he would break his fast with one friend, dine with another, and all in one day;Epulas quas toto orbe conquirunt, nec concoquere dignantur. and every one of those refections when it stood them least, cost them 3235 l. sterling. But the most notorious and memorable supper above all other,Seneca. was that which his brother made for a welcome at his first coming to Rome;Suetonius calls it an Adventitious Supper. at which were served up at the Table before him two thousand several dishes of Fish, the most dainty and choicest that could be had,Eutropius. and seven thousand fowl.Sueton.
His meats were not touched in gross, but an eye only of this bird, or a tongue of that Fish were tasted, that the spoils of many might be taken at one meal. Phoenicopterus is a water fowl haunting lakes and fens, and the river Nilus, as Hesiod writeth. The feathers be of colour red, or purple, whereof it taketh the name, and the tongue is a most dainty and pleasant morsel.Yet himself surpassed this sumptuous feast at the dedication of the platter, which for its huge capacity he used to call the Target of Minerva. In this he blended together the Livers of Guilt-heads, the delicate brains of Pheasants and Peacocks, the tongues of Phoenicopters, the tender small guts of Sea-Lampires sent as far as from the Carpathian Sea, and the straights of Spain, by his Captains over Gallies.
For the making of this Charger there was a furnace built of purpose in the field. Mucianus (after the death of Vitellius) alluding to this monstrous platter,All gluttons to this day pass under his name. and ripping up his whole life, upbraided the memorial of him in these very terms, calling his excess that way, Patinarum paludes, Platters as broad as Pools or Ponds.
Nunquam ita ad curas intentus, ut voluptatis oblivisceretur. Tacitus l. 2. Hist.He was never so intentively addicted to serious affairs, that he would forget his pastimes.
In his Train all was disorderly and full of drunkenness,Apud Vitellium omnia indisposita, temulenta, pervigiliis ac Bacchanalibus, quam disciplinae & castris propiora. more like to Wakes and Feasts of Bacchus, than to a Camp where Discipline should be.
He was forward enough to put to death any man; he killed Noble men, and his School-fellows. He delivered Blaesus over to the Executioner to suffer death, but straightwaies called him back again;Tacit. l. 2. Hist. Iste mente crudelis, avarus que cum profusione. and when all that were by praised him for his Clemency, he commanded the said party to be killed before his face, saying withall, Velle se pascere oculos, Aurel. Vict.Audita est saevissima Vitellii vox, qui se pavisse oculos spectata inimici morte jactavit.that he would feed his eies with seeing his death. At the execution of another he caused two of his Sons to bear him company, because they presumed to entreat for their Fathers sake.
A Gentleman of Rome being haled away to take his death,Tacit. Hist. l. 3. he cryed aloud unto him, Sir, I have made you heir; then he compelled him to bring forth his writing-Tables concerning his last Will, and so soon as he read therein,Sueton. that a freed man of the Testators was nominated fellow-heir with him, he commanded both Master and man to be killed.
He was suspected also to have consented to his own Mothers death.
Impar curis gravioribus, saith Tacitus of him, he was unmeet to weild weighty affairs.
The Empire was conferred upon him by those that knew him not, and yet never man found so constant good will of his Soldiers by vertuous means, as he did with all his cowardly sloth.
Tanta torpedo invaserat animum, ut si Principem eum fuisse caeteri non meminissent, Tacit. l. 3. Hist.ipse oblivisceretur.
So great a sencelesness did possess his mind, that if other men had not remembred that he had been a Prince, (and therefore was not to look for security in a private estate) he himself would quickly have forgotten it.
Tacit. l. 2. Hist.A contumelia quàm à laude propius fuerit, post Vitellium eligi.
It was more a disgrace than a praise, to be chosen after Vitellius.
He used no other defences against the ruine which approched him, but only to keep out the memory and report of it with fortification of mirth and fottishness, that so he might be delivered from the pains of preserving himself. Praeterita, instantia, futura, pari oblivione dimiserat; mirum apud ipsum de bello silentium, prohibiti per civitatem sermones, &c. Tacit. Hist. lib. 3.Tacit. l. 3. Hist.
Ita formatae Principis aures, ut aspera quae utilia, nec quidquam nisi jucundum & laesurum acciperet.
The Princes ears were so framed, that he accounted all sharp that was wholsome, and liked of nothing but that which was presently pleasant, and afterwards hurtful.
Amicitias dum magnitudine munerum, Tacit. l. 3. Hist.non constantia morum continere putat, meruit magis quàm habuit.
He deserved rather than found faithful friends, because he sought them more by great gifts than vertuous behaviour.
Statim privatus Imperio, qui privatus semper fuit non Princeps.
Emanuelis Thesauri Caesares.
At the last he was slain in an ignominious manner, having many scornful indignities offered unto him both in deed and word;Suetonius. they drew his head backward by the bush of the hair (as condemned Malefactors are wont to be served) and a swords point was set under his chin,He was killed by Vespasians Soldiers upon the stairs Gemoniae, where he suffered Vespasians brother to be slain. to the end he might shew his face, and not hold it down while some pelted him with dung and dirty mire: others called him with open mouth, Incendiary or Firebrand, because he burnt the Capitol; and Patinarium or Platter-Knight, for his Gormandizing, and great Platter; and some of the common sort twitted him with the deformities of his body: being all mangled with many small strokes, he was killed in the end. Numerosis ictibus confossus interiit.
He was slain *Aurel. Vict.in the 57. year of his age, when he had reigned eight months and five daies, say |l. 5. of the wars of the Jews, c. 13.Iosephus, Tacitus. Suetonius. Eutropius.and †Chron.Eusebius; eight months and ten daies, saith *Lib. adversus IudaeosTertullian. |Hist. 2.27. Ipse abundè ratus si praesentibus frueretur, nec in longum consultans, novies mille sestertium paucissimis mensibus intervertisse creditur.Tacitus reporteth, that in those few months wherein he reigned, he had wasted nine hundred millions of Sesterces, which amounteth to seven millions thirty one thousand two hundred and fifty pounds sterling; and Iosephus *Octo menses ac dies quinque potitus Imperio, jugulatur in media Vrbe; quem si vivere diutius contigisset, ejus Luxuriae satis esse Imperium non potuisset. Joseph. de Bello Iudaico.thinketh if he had lived longer, the whole revenues of the Empire had not been sufficient to have maintained his Gluttony.