Select Observations of Roman Emperors 2, Part 1 · Emperor 9
Choyce Observations OF AVLVS VITELLIVS.
HE was beyond measure tall;Famili… ̄ bonorat… magis quam nobili. he had a red face,Eutropius. occasioned by swilling in wine, and a great fat paunch besides, and somewhat limped upon one legge, by a hurt formerly received.
He was stained with all manner of reprochable villanies; he was familiar with Caius for his love to Chariot-running, and with Claudius for his affection to Dice-play, but he was in greater favour with Nero for his wicked conditions likewise; for he attended and followed him as he did sing, not by compulsion, as many a good man, but selling his honour to nourish his Riot, and feed his belly, to which he enthralled himself.
He found some supplications that were exhibited unto Otho, by such as claimed reward for their good service in killing Galba, and gave command that they should be sought out and executed every one. A worthy and magnificent beginning, such as might give good hope of an excellent Prince, had hee not managed all matters else according to his own naturall disposition, and the course of his former life, rather then respecting the Majesty of an Emperour.
When hee came into the Fields where a Battel was fought, and some of his train loathed and abhorred the putrified corruption of the dead bodies, he stuck not to hearten and encourage them with this cursed speech, Optimè olere occisum hostem, & meliùs civem, That an enemy slain had a very good smell, but a Citizen far better.
[That was also a wicked speech of Charles the ninth of France, at the Parisian massacre, when beholding the dead carcasses, he said, that the smell of a dead enemy was good.]
He banished from Rome and Italy all the judiciall Astrologers called Mathematicians, because they had said, that his reigne should not endure one year to an end.
If he could have forborn his riotous living,Prorsus si luxuriam temperaret, avaritiam non timeres. or used any moderation therein,Tacit. l. 2. Hist. covetousnesse was a crime in him not to be feared, but he was shamefully given to his belly without all order or measure; Epularum foeda & inexplebilis libido, Homo profundae gulae.saith Tacitus; for which purpose there were daily brought out of Rome and Italy, Sueton.Irritamenta Gulae, Ad vos deinde transeo, quorum profunda & insatiabilis gula, hinc Maria scrutatur, hinc terras.all provocations of Gluttony. The high-waies from both the Seas sounded of nothing else but of Caterers, and Purveyours; the greatest men in the City were spent and consumed in providing of Cates for the banquets;Seneca Epist. 89. the Cities themselves were wasted.
The Souldiers grew worse, and degenerated from labour and vertue, partly by turning themselves to pleasures, and partly through the contemptiblenesse of the commander.
He would eat four meales a day,… Saith Eutropius. Breakfast, Dinner, Supper, and Rere-banquet, or after Supper, being able to bear them all very well, he used to vomit*It was an ordinary practise among thē. Epul…s qu…s toto orbe conqui…unt nec concoquer… dignantur. so ordinarily. His manner was to send word that hee would break his fast with one friend,Seneca. dine with another, and all in one day; and every one of those refections when it stood them least, cost 3235. l. sterling. But the most notorious and memorable supper above all other, was that which his brother made for a welcome at his first coming to Rome; Suetonius calls it an Adventitious Supper.at which were served up at the Table before him two thousand severall Dishes of Fish,Eutropius. the most dainty and choycest that could be had,Sueto. and seven thousand fowl.
Yet himself surpassed this sumptuous feast at the dedication of the platter,His meates were not touched in grosse, but an eye only of this bird, or a tongue of that Fish were tasted, that the spoiles of many might be taken at one meal. Phaenicopterus is a water fowl haunting lakes and fennes, and the … Nilus, as Hesi…dus writeth. The feathers be of colour red, or purple, where…of it taketh the name, & the tongue is a most dainty & pleasant morsell▪ which for its huge capacity he used to call the Target of Minerva. In this he blended together the Livers of Guilt-heads, the delicate braines of Pheasants and Peacocks, the tongues of Phoenicopters, the tender small guts of Sea-Lampries sent as far as from the Carpa…thian Sea, and the straights of Spain, by his Captaines over Gallies.
For the making of this charger there was a furnace built of purpose in the field. Mucianus (after the death of Vitellius) alluding to this monstrous platter, and ripping up his whole life, upbraided the memoriall of him in these very termes, calling his excesse that way, Patinarum paludes, Platters as broad as Pooles or Ponds.
Nunquam ita ad curas intentus, Tacitus l. 2. Hist.ut voluptatis oblivisceretur. He was never so intentively addicted to serious affaires, that he would forget his Pastimes.
In his Traine all was disorderly and full of drunkennesse,Apud Vitellium omnia indisposita, temulenta, pervigiliis ac Bacchanal… bus, quam discipline & castris propiora. more like to Wakes and Feasts of Bacchus, then to a Camp, where Discipline should be.
He was forward enough to put to death any man; he killed Noble men, and his School-fellowes. He delivered Blaesus over to the executioner to suffer death,Tacit. l. 2. but straightwaies called him back again;Hist. Iste mente crudelis avarusque cum profusione. and when all that were by praised him for his Clemency, he commanded the said party to be killed before his face,Aurel. Vict. saying withall, Velle se pascere oculos, Audita est saevissima V… tellii vox, quâ se pavisse oculos spectata inimici morte jactavit.that he would feed his eyes with seeing his death.Tacit. Hist. l. 3. At the execution of another he caused two of his Sonnes to bear him company, because they presumed to intreat for their Fathers sake.
A Gentleman of Rome being haled away to take his death, he cryed aloud unto him, Sir, I have made you my heire; then he compelled him to bring forth his writing. Tables concerning his last Will,Sueton. and so soon as he read therein, that a freed man of the Testators was nominated fellow-heir with him, he commanded both Master and Man to be killed.
He was suspected also to have consented to his own Mothers death.
Impar curis gravioribus, saith Tacitus of him, he was unmeet to weild weighty affaires.
The Empire was conferred upon him by those which knew him not, and yet never man found so constant good will of his Souldiers by vertuous meanes, as he did with all his cowardly sloth.
Tanta torpedo invaserat animum,Tacit. l. 3. Hist. ut si Principem eum fuisse caeteri non meminissent, ipse oblivisceretur.
So great a sencelesnesse did possesse his mind, that if other men had not remembred that he had been a Prince, (and therefore was not to look for security in a private estate) he himself would quickly have forgotten it.
A contumelia quàm à laude propius fuerit,Tacit. l▪ 2. Hist. pos… Vitellium eligi.
It was more a disgrace then a praise to be chosen after Vitellius.
He used no other defences against the ruine which approched him, but onelyonly to keep out the memory and report of it with fortification of mirth and sottishnesse, that so he might be delivered from the paines of preserving himself. Praeterita, instantia, futura, pari oblivione dimiserat, mirum apud ipsum de bello silentium, prohibiti per civitatem sermones, &c. Tacit. Hist. lib. 3.
Ita formatae Principis aures,Tacit. l. 3. Hist. ut aspera quae utilia, nec quidquam nisi jucundum & laesurum acciperet.
The Princes eares were so framed, that he accounted all sharp that was wholsome, and liked of nothing but that which was presently pleasant, and afterwards hurtfull.
Amicitias dum magnitudine munerum,Tacit. l. 3. Hist. non constantiá morum continere putat, meruit magis quàm habuit.
He deserved rather then found faithfull friends, because he sought them more by great gifts then vertuous behaviour.
At the last he was slain in an ignominious manner, having many scornfull indignities offered unto him both in deed and word;Suetonius. they drew his head backward by the bush of the hair (as condemned Malefactors are wont to be served) and a swords point was set under his chin,He was killed by Vespasians souldiers upon the staires Gemoniae, where hee suffered Vespasians brother to be slain. to the end he might shew his face, and not hold it down while some pelted him with dung and dirty mire; others called him with open mouth, Incendiary or Firebrand, because hee burnt the Capitol; and Patmarium or Platter-Knight, for his Gormandizing, and great Platter; and some of the common sort twitted him with the deformities of his body: being all mangled with many small strokes, he was killed in the end. Numerosis ictibus confossus interiit.
He was slain*Aurel. Vict. in the 57. year of his age,Tacitus. Suetonius. Eutrop. when he had reigned eight moneths and five dayes, say*l. 5. of the wars of the …ewes, c. 13. Josephus, and*Chron. Eusebius; eight moneths and ten dayes saith*Lib. adversus Iudaeos. Tertullian. *Hist. 2. 27. Ipse abunde ratus si praesentibus frueretur, nec in longum consultans, novies mille sestertium paucissimis mensibus intervertisse creditur.Tacitus reporteth, that in those few moneths wherein he reigned, he had wasted nine hundred millions of Sesterces, which amounteth to seven Millions, thirty one thousand two hundred and fifty pounds sterling; and Josephus *Octo menses ac dies quinque potitus Imperio, jugulatur in m… dia Vrbe; quem si vivere diutius contigisset, ejus Luxuriae satis esse Imperum non potuisset. Joseph. de Bello Iudaies.thinketh if he had lived longer, the whole Revenues of the Empire had not been sufficient to have maintained his Gluttony.